Not Going Out (2006) s10e01 Episode Script


1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
Right, we're at 4,000 feet.
So, just like we did in training, I'll attach the clip like this, you'll jump, and your chute opens automatically.
Any questions? What time's the drinks trolley coming round? What if the cord gets pulled too hard and it comes off? It won't.
It might.
I did that with the bathroom light once.
OK, I'll let you know when we're ready to rock.
I am so excited! Have you ever done this before, Lee? Er, I did one of those tandem sky dives.
Was it all OK? Yeah, but the bicycle was a write-off! He's never done a skydive before, Mum.
None of us have.
Not true.
I made a number of jumps during my army days.
In the Catering Corps?! I think you're mixing the words up - "jumps" and "soups".
Quite an experience, I can tell you! Everyone staring at each other in nervous silence, without so much as a cup of tea to take your mind off things.
Then, without warning, you're shoved out the door.
Sounds like the last time we visited your house, Geoffrey! Your first time as well, then, Frank? Sure is.
Oh, come on, Frank.
You're forgetting that time you were ejected from the easyJet flight to Glasgow! You all right, Mum? Not really! It seemed like a fun idea when Toby first suggested it, but .
now we're so high up, I'm having second thoughts.
Well, if you're feeling nervous, just think of all the money we're raising for the hospital.
Everybody's done a great job.
Even Anna's been very supportive.
What do you mean, "even Anna"?! Oh, sorry, darling, I didn't mean to Trust me, I'd never pass up the opportunity of seeing you fall out of an aeroplane! You seem very relaxed about this, Lee.
I can't wait.
It's one of these things you've got to do before you die.
Just hopefully not immediately before you die! OK, I need everyone to listen up.
I'm afraid we've got a problem.
What problem? What's gone wrong? It's absolutely nothing to worry about, but I've somehow managed to make a real cock-up.
Please accept my sincere apologies, but I've only noted six parachutes for seven people.
You mean one of us has got to jump without a parachute? Obviously, it doesn't mean that.
Don't put him off if he's keen! I'm sorry to say that one of you can't do the jump.
Well, whose parachute are you missing? Er Let's see.
Remind me, which one of you is Wendy? Me! Right, we've definitely got yours.
And, let's see, we've got, er Toby's.
We've got Lucy's.
We've got Frank's.
Er We've got Geoffrey's.
Oh, get on with it, Simon Cowell, and just announce the loser! Lee, yours is missing.
How? Mistakes happen, I'm afraid.
Not the words you want to hear from a parachute company! Didn't they teach you how to count in Australia? No, because I'm from New Zealand.
Same thing.
Well, they're next to each other, but they're not the same thing.
What, you mean a bit like the numbers six and seven?! Look, of course, we'll arrange for you to come back at a later date, free of charge, Lee.
But the charity event is today.
Yeah, the local press photographers are down there waiting for us, and I promised the kids I'd be in the paper.
You'll just have to go to back to Plan A, and rob a Post Office! Sorry.
Oh, Lee, it must be really disappointing for you.
There is another option.
What? Well, it's clear I'm not exactly keen - why not take my parachute? Absolutely not.
Why?! Because I don't want your day spoiled.
Spoiled?! I'm terrified! And that's the reason you should jump.
My commanding officer always used to say, "When you have a fear, you need to deal with it ".
" Same reason I showed up to Lee and Lucy's wedding.
But I don't want to jump! Look, I do feel somewhat responsible, as the organiser, so .
probably, it should be me that misses out.
Oh, don't be so bloody obliging, Toby, my God! You'd give up your place in our bed, if someone asked you politely! Toby, please That wasn't a genuine offer.
Look, I don't care about jumping, either way.
I'll happily miss out.
No, no, no, no.
I'm too much of a gentleman to see a lady disappointed.
Lee, take my parachute.
It's OK, Frank, I'm not disappointed.
I just want Lee to get his turn.
He can have mine.
Honestly, I insist.
Well, here's a rich display of humbuggery! You what? It's obvious.
You're all terrified.
In fact, Wendy's the bravest one among you.
At least she has the courage to admit to her fears.
Now, would anyone else like to offer to stay behind? No, I thought not.
So, that's settled.
Lee, you can take my parachute.
You're as scared as the rest of us.
Not so.
I overcame any misgivings I might have had one night in a military transport aircraft over Belize.
Nobody wants to know how you popped your cherry! I was part of a special operations team.
Officially, we didn't exist.
Oh, here we go, a load of nonsense about pervert operations! Covert! He could tell us, but then he'd have to kill us! I might just tell Frank! I'm merely saying that I'm the only one here with nothing to prove.
Believe me, Frank, if ever we find ourselves doing a sponsored benefit fraud, I'll be sure to defer to your experience.
Looks like Lee and I are the only ones looking forward to this.
Well, I'm happy to admit I'm nervous, so I would like to give Lee my parachute.
No, I would.
No, I offered first.
I think you'll find I did.
No, I did! Don't start bickering with each other! There's only one person to blame for this.
We wouldn't be in this situation if Dame Edna was doing his job properly! I'm a Kiwi! I don't care if you're a watermelon, mate! You have ruined our day out! Look, I've said I'm sorry, guys.
How hard can it be? You count the parachutes, you take them off that blue rack, you load them onto the plane.
Job done.
How did you know they were on a blue rack? What? You just said the packs were stored on a blue rack.
That's back at base, behind a door marked "Private".
You shouldn't have been in there.
So, what were you doing in a private area? I'm not telling you.
Why not? It's private.
It's quite clear what he was doing in there.
He was hiding his parachute.
Suddenly, that display of bravado makes perfect sense.
He was looking forward to the jump because he knew he wouldn't have to do it.
Is that right, Lee? Oh Of course it bloody is! Have you seen how high up these planes go?! I'd rather jump out of a birthday cake at Wormwood Scrubs dressed as Marilyn Monroe! Anyway, what's done is done.
I haven't got a parachute, so I can't jump.
At school, if you forgot your kit, they made you do it in your underpants! I don't think any of us want to see Lee's underpants at the moment! It's a pretty shabby trick to pull, Lee.
Well .
I had my reasons.
What reasons? I'll show you.
To get Caffe Nero loyalty stamps?! Think of the kids.
It's all well and good ONE of their parents jumping out of an aeroplane.
For both me and Lucy to risk our lives, I couldn't be that selfish.
That's actually a very good point.
We can't risk us both jumping.
That would be totally irresponsible.
I'm staying on the plane.
Hang on Well, I'm the engine room of the parenting machine.
They need me more.
And what am I? The light entertainment.
This is ridiculous! People hardly ever die from skydiving.
That's because people hardly ever go skydiving! The only fatalities that ever occur are usually premeditated murders, when one person deliberately interferes with someone else's parachute.
Anyway, it's not up for grabs.
I'm staying on the plane because it's my parachute that's missing.
No, it's A parachute that's missing.
It's not one-size-fits-all, you know.
These parachutes are individually calibrated to each person's weight.
Actually Let's assume I'm right, and not now listen to what this man says! He is, after all, from the land of ball tampering.
That's Australia.
And the parachutes are not weight-specific at all.
You can totally swap them round.
I mean, they're basically all the same.
You know, like Kiwis and Aussies! So, there we have it.
Whatever else happens, Lee is going to jump.
In fact, I propose he goes first.
No chance! None of us have to actually jump if we don't want to.
Yes, you do.
This is for a children's hospital ward.
The press are waiting for us on the ground.
Think of the shame.
What if I get injured? Very, very unlikely.
Isn't that right? Well, the injury rate is one in every 2,000 jumps You see? .
and I've personally overseen more than 1,950 without incident.
Anyway, put your pack on, Lee.
Get ready to rock! Hang on, it's not fair! Why do I have to go first?! It's quite simple, Lee - you cheated, and you were found out.
Now you have to face the consequences.
Just imagine you're stepping out of your front door.
And falling into a 10,000-foot hole! Look lively, Lee! Yeah, just get on with it! Oh, yeah, you're all siding with Geoffrey now he's bullying me, but what if I do jump? Then what? You all want the safe seat, but he's going to start turning on all of you lot next! He'll probably start with you first, Dad.
Is that right? Yes, I should think so! See? And then the rest of you, one by one, until he's the last one left on the plane, and he doesn't have to jump! Nonsense, I'm the only one happy to jump! Don't listen to him! I suppose it does make sense to actually discuss which one of us stays behind.
Perhaps we should each take it in turns to explain why we should be the one who doesn't jump.
Good idea.
Me first.
Guys, we've only got so much time.
Don't worry, I'll be very, very brief.
When I was seven years old Bloody hell! .
there was a fruit tree in our garden.
I don't remember that.
The fruit tree, or my childhood?! Nothing ever grew on this tree.
And then, one day, I noticed a solitary piece of fruit very high up.
So, I climbed that tree to get it.
When I got to the top, I got stuck.
Obviously, I called for help, but nobody came.
In the end, I had no choice but to jump.
I wasn't injured Shame, I was starting to enjoy this story! .
but I've been terrified of heights ever since.
Well, that doesn't excuse your behaviour today, but it does explain it.
Anyone else? Well, since you ask, when I was a child, a friend of my mother's died in a plane crash.
I didn't think it had affected me and yet, being here today, somehow, the memories have come flooding back.
But your tree story was very moving as well, Lee.
I want to change it.
You can't.
My turn.
It was a stormy winter's evening .
and I was helping to airlift some orphans from a burning building This is ridiculous! Am I the only person on this plane who intends to jump?! Ooh, be my guest! Oh, no, after you! Oh, no, no, Geoffrey, after you! Oh, no, Lee, I insist! Oh, for God's sake, stop it! If the only way to stay behind is to squabble like a child, then I'd rather jump! We're supposed to be raising money for very sick kiddies.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Is she all right?! The chute's open, she's drifting down like a feather.
Textbook! I've never been more proud of her.
Oh, come on, guys.
Wendy's right.
We shouldn't be squabbling like this.
Especially when it's for sickly children who need our help.
Go for it, Lucy! Me?! Well, do you want to make me feel proud? I don't know.
Do you want to make me feel resentful? Look, it's obvious who should be risking their life next - Toby.
Why? Just because the event was my idea, and I organised all the press coverage? Well, I was thinking more in terms of general expendability, but those are good reasons, too.
Anna's right.
We wouldn't be here in the first place if it wasn't for Toby.
He should definitely jump next.
I agree.
I see.
Clearly, the mob has chosen its victim.
Oh, and for the record, I think the person who gets to stay behind should be Anna.
Oh, let me guess, because I can fly out of the plane on my broomstick? No, I just think you should get the safe seat.
I pressurised you into doing this, and I'm sorry.
I just want you to enjoy your day .
because I love you.
That was so beautiful! It certainly was.
I don't know when I've heard such noble, romantic words .
or when I will again.
So, who's next? This is becoming very Lord Of The Flies.
I suppose that makes you Gandalf! So, come on, who IS next? Me.
But Toby just said he wanted you to stay safe.
I know, and he also said he loved me, the manipulative bastard! If he does this and I don't, he's got the high ground over me for the next ten years.
With any luck, I'll break my ankle, then he'll know what guilt feels like! And then there were four.
Well, three and a bit! OK, guys, we're on a roll! Who's next? Look, this is ridiculous, whittling down the group one by one.
We should just make a decision.
The person who gets to stay.
How do we do that? We all want to stay.
Not so.
I'm happy to jump once I've seen Lee do the same.
Therefore, I nominate that Lucy gets to stay behind.
Assuming you three nominate yourselves, that gives Lucy the largest vote, so she's safe.
Are you panicking there, Frank, or just struggling with the maths? Lucy's not necessarily safe, because if Lee votes to save me, that means I've got two votes as well.
I'm not voting for you.
I tell you what, I'll vote for you if you vote for me.
Do you need a pen and paper to work out why that won't work?! So, Lucy has a landslide victory.
No, she hasn't.
I demand my rights! I think the rights of cowardly gnomes have yet to be ratified by the Geneva Convention.
Watch your mouth, sunshine, or we'll take this outside! You know what I mean.
I vote for Lucy as well.
What are you doing? I might be scared, but I'm not a total coward.
If Toby can jump to save Anna, then I can do the same to save Lucy.
Thanks, Lee.
It's three against one, Dad.
Let's try something else.
One potato, two potato Stop it! It's only you trying to save their skin now.
Why do I always have to be the bad guy? My guess is genetics.
So, that's decided, then, is it? I get to stay behind, I get the free pass? That's right.
And we all agree on that, do we? Of course.
I suppose.
In that case What are you doing? I'm taking my free pass, and I'm giving it to Lee.
What?! What?! What?! I knew you were terrified from the start, ever since we signed up for all of this.
Did you? Lee, you've been waking up at night in a cold sweat.
Last night, he fell out of bed yanking on the drawstring of his pyjama bottoms, screaming about the ripcord not working.
And you still gave me your free pass, even though you were so scared, you hid your parachute.
I suppose that was pretty brave of me.
Yes, tales of true bravery often start with night terror and damp pyjamas.
So now, I'm returning the favour, and giving you your free pass back.
See you on the ground, Lee.
Yeah, don't mind us! Ignore Frank.
Keep hugging him, Lucy.
You can let go when you hit a tree.
Geronimo! Chute's opened nicely.
Well, gentlemen, who's next? Good question.
Maybe you should jump together.
You could hold hands, if you like.
I'm going nowhere till I've seen you jump.
Oh, I'm sorry, Geoffrey, did you not just hear what Lucy said? Yes, I did.
She said "Geronimo," then jumped from the plane, which means she's no longer here to protect your cowardly hide! That's not right, that's not what was agreed.
I don't care.
Lucy had no right to give you that free pass, so now it's up for grabs again.
Well, guys, whose turn is it? I vote for Lee.
Well, I vote for Geoffrey.
Frank, it looks like you have the casting vote.
Er Allow me to explain the logic of it, Frank.
Lee wants to avoid jumping, I do not.
Therefore, if you vote to eject Lee, you effectively guarantee yourself a safe seat.
Oh, yeah! Mmm.
Don't listen to him, Dad.
Why not? He's making sense.
I know, that's why I don't want you to listen to him.
You know what to do, Frank.
He's playing mind games with you, Dad.
If I jump, he will turn on you.
At least if you're up against me, you stand a chance.
Blood's thicker than water, but I'm thicker than Geoffrey.
Well, gentlemen? All right .
I've decided.
Yes? I'M jumping.
Are you sure? Don't talk him out of it! What's changed your mind? Well, it was something Lee said about me not being there to help him down from that tree.
I remember that day, Lee, and I've always regretted it.
This won't change the past, but maybe it'll make me feel better about myself.
Very admirable, Frank.
Thanks, Dad.
Here goes nothing! Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's in the flask? Oh, just a little bit of tonic water, and a load of gin.
How much have you had? Oh, just a nip, to steady me nerves.
Plus the one I had before we took off.
And one or two while you were doing that training session this morning.
Actually, it were three or four.
You've heard of Dutch courage? Well, I'm filling me clogs! Well, sorry, there's no question of you jumping out of this plane now.
Oh, isn't there? Oh, what a shame! Frank, you bloody idiot! Any fool can work out that you're not allowed to drink! Any fool DID work it out! He had no intention of jumping.
That story about remembering me up the tree is a load of crap! You don't know that.
Yes, I do, because I made up the bloody tree story in the first place! This is truly sickening! Well, the important thing is, I can't jump, so you two are going to have to.
Packs on, you two.
Well, I can't jump, not after all that cocaine I snorted this morning.
He didn't snort any cocaine.
Ha-ha! Of course not.
Not in my condition.
Did I tell you I was pregnant? Think of the sick kiddies.
Oof! Oh, God! Well, you win, Geoffrey.
It looks like we're both jumping.
Geoffrey? I can't.
Why not? Hang on - are you scared? Of course I'm scared.
Who wouldn't be scared? Jumping out of a tin box, 10,000 feet up, attached to a tent on strings that's been prepped by Crocodile Bloody Dundee?! I'm from New Zealand! But you said you'd done loads of jumps in the army.
Well, I may have embellished slightly.
That elite team of mine that didn't exist Yes? It didn't exist.
I made it up, so you wouldn't think that I was frightened! Was you actually in the army at all? Of course I was, until I gotdischarged.
Well, why were you discharged? Because I wouldn't jump out of a plane, all right?! I did the basic parachute training, and then, when my turn came, I simply froze and refused to jump.
They threw me out .
of the army, not the plane.
If you were so frightened, why did you agree with all this in the first place? Well, peer pressure, same as you.
Yeah, but at least I had a plan to get out of it.
Oh, so did I.
I was going to wait until last, and then .
slip the instructor £20 to pretend there was a problem with my parachute.
But then you pulled your stunt of hiding a parachute, and a chance to stay behind became available, so I thought I might as well take that instead.
It seemed It seemed more dignified.
So why did you give Lucy the free pass to stay behind? Because I knew she wouldn't take it.
She's far too brave.
Oh, you're clever.
Yeah, perhaps too clever.
Perhaps I should have gone along with your tactic of living my entire life as an unthinking alcoholic, I'd have been home and dry! Well, not dry.
Sorry to hurry you up, guys, but it is conventional to jump before the plane has actually landed.
Yeah, come on, you guys.
I'm getting deep vein thrombosis sat over here.
Put your packs on, I'll be back in a mo.
He's gone.
Frank, come on.
Not got much time.
Put the pack on! You heard the man.
I can't, I've been drinking.
How does alcohol impair your ability to fall out of a doorway? If anything, it improves it! No chance.
Look, Frank, you've seen how easy it is to attach that strap.
Put the parachute on.
You can do it! Don't look him in the eyes, Dad.
LOUD HISSING What the hell was that?! Guys, I need to tell you something, and I really need you not to panic.
Well, that ship sailed a long time ago, mate! The fact is, we've run into a slight problem with the plane.
A bird got caught in the engine, and we're struggling to keep control.
Do you mean we're going to crash?! Well, of course we're not going to We're going to crash! OK.
Now might be time to panic! Agh! Agh! Get off, Frank, you can't have it, you're drunk! You said being drunk didn't matter, I could still jump! You're perfectly welcome to jump, just not with a parachute! Come on, Dad, it's a well-known fact that drunks never hurt themselves when they fall.
They do if it's out of an aeroplane! Give it Agh! Agh! Argh! Agh! I thought you were too scared to jump! I decided to face up to my fear.
I'm the youngest person here.
No offence, but what have you got to look forward to? Good luck, chaps! And don't forget, head between knees on the crash landing.
Well, that was a waste of a good parachute, because if I live to see Dad again, I'm going to kill him! Take that off, it's mine! No, it's not.
Yours is 10,000 feet down there, in a private room, on a blue rack.
Oof! Argh! What am I doing? I don't know.
What ARE you doing? You were right.
You've got far more to live for than I have.
Yeah, two more stamps for a free latte.
I'm not just giving you a parachute, I'm giving Lucy her husband, and I'm giving my grandchildren their father.
Tell Wendy I love her, and don't tell anyone I was scared.
I'll tell them the truth, Geoffrey.
You've been a hero.
Just jump out of the bloody aeroplane, will you?! And, Lee, promise me one thing.
If you can .
try and take out Frank's parachute on your way down.
As if you even needed to ask! HE GASPS Argh! It's all right, Keith, he's jumped! What's going on? I thought we were going to crash.
Yeah, and I thought you lot were never going to jump.
God, the amount of encouragement it takes sometimes! So, you mean .
the engine didn't fail? Of course not.
What kind of bargain-basement operation do you think I'm running? I'm not Australian! But I thought you didn't want anyone to jump who'd been drinking.
Yeah, that bit wasn't supposed to happen.
The man's clearly got a death wish.
Well, I wish him every success with it! So .
I'm not going to die, and I don't have to jump.
And you still get to be the hero of the hour.
Oh, I think I can make it last a lot longer than that! Did it work? Like a dream, mate.
Well done.
So why is there one person still here, then? We're missing a parachute.
That's the whole reason this palaver started in the first place.
Because you're missing a chute? You should have told me.
I've got a spare one under me seat.
Or "down under," as you Aussies say.
Good God! # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.