Not Safe For Work (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

Without our dearest Danielle, one of you will have to present to the minister.
I think Katherine should do it.
Master's voice -- the minister.
What is it with you and married women? Oh, sorry, inappropriate.
We're just work colleagues now, aren't we? THEY MOAN Oh, thank goodness! OK, no, no, I thought you were going to fire me or something.
- Why does everyone think you're a Muslim, Danny? - They had a big push, yeah, for, like, minorities to go on all the management training shit.
Stop! Nose bleed.
- And I trust you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I am the most senior person here.
- No, I am.
He's going to fucking humiliate himself.
Where's, erm, Daniak? HE GASPS HE SIGHS HE GROANS London.
HE SIGHS London, at night.
It's like A capital city? In the dark.
Sexy(!) Piss off, dickhead! You're not going to bleed everywhere again, are you? Not unless I have an allergic reaction to, you know, your face.
- Katherine! - What? - I have a lot of allergies.
- Still.
PHONE BEEPS Any word from Captain Danik? No.
You? No, no, erm it's a text from a a friend ly man friend.
I was wondering if maybe I should have his hotel room tonight? What? You don't want to go home? No quite late.
Not sure I'll make it back to Surrey, in good time, now, that's all.
Two singles, yes? No, we booked three and, of our party, we've lost one, Danny ak, but gained two, myself and So, we just need an extra.
Simple, really.
Er, we are fully booked, I'm afraid.
You should know that we have a very important briefing tomorrow for a Minister, so can I speak to your manageress, or 'er', as it's a gender neutral? Er, who booked it? Jenny.
Oh Er I think we are going to have to share two rooms.
Martine, you and I could Absolutely fucking not.
Just a thought.
And obviously you and I won't want to No, I'd rather kill myself and you.
- We - So - .
could .
how do you fancy bunking up, Anthony? I've got a few work questions I wanted to fire at you, anyway, so Errr w-w er yeah uh OK.
- Key, please.
- Ah, yes.
Thank you.
Katherine, we could I - Martine? - Uh-huh? In the taxi, did you text me a picture of your Well, it wasn't from stock images, was it? Have you never seen one before? Oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen a few.
But did you have it ready on your to just That's what people do now.
- Is it? - Yeah.
I mean, what, did you want me to post it to you by recorded delivery? No, no! I've, I've just never had a picture of my on to just send to Well, here's a little tip.
"That's nice, comma, thanks' -- not an adequate response to a pussy shot.
OK? This way.
Come on through.
Thanks so much for this, Davina.
It's good to see you.
Fuck me.
- BABY GURGLES - That's not yours, is it? - Yeah.
You really need to get back on Facebook.
- You can't make me.
- No.
Say, "Hi, Emma.
" Hi, Emma.
And you know Darren.
- Are you still a corporate slut? - Yup.
Are you still a civil service bitch? - Yeah.
Does Darren, like, mind? - No.
Loves it.
He really does.
And I earn five times what he did, or can, so he doesn't have a fucking choice.
How's yours? My salary? It's awful.
No! Man.
Er we're separated.
Fuck! Did you cheat on him? No! We just grew apart.
You actually did? Work's going well, is it? I don't know! H-hello? HE GROANS HE GASPS HE BREATHES HEAVILY So what stuff did you want to talk through? Nothing! But you said God, you're like a big kid, aren't you? What's up with you and Jeffries? Oh, it's incredibly boring, actually, but we are related.
She's m .
my mother.
But we keep it on the QT purely for professional reasons, so you don't tell anyone, OK? HEART MONITOR BEEPS But some accounts seem to fit the description of your son -- Matthew Jeffries.
I can't believe he'd do that would he? You can have the bed.
Yeah, but I thought we'd fuck.
Yeah, but I don't want to.
) Aw, thanks, Mum.
Are you OK? Er pretty comfy.
No, I mean I thought you'd be, like, Prime Minister or something by now, and you You seem a bit It's-it's just that I have this awful presentation tomorrow, so OK.
I'm here if you ever need anything.
Thank you.
Night, then.
- Hi, - Oh, hi! THEY LAUGH - Ow! - Yeah, ow.
- That hurt.
But, nice 'ow', though.
Good pain.
THEY LAUGH So, what are you up to? I haven't actually really got that much work to do cos since they fired me and I'm working out my notice, no-one really trusts me to do anything, apart from stupid rubbish little admin jobs, like booking hotels and opening mail, which is just really rubbish and boring and I hate it.
- Sorry, dude.
- What about youse, dude? Well, Katherine's actually given me loads of little really interesting research projects to start, so that's amazing.
HE LAUGHS Yeah, that sounds nice.
Oh Have you seen Danny about? What are you doing? Just waiting, mate.
Did anyone try Danny again? I think we've called him about 4,000 times now.
JEFFERIES SIGHS - Where could he be? - In a bar, maybe? - Ooh, or a club? - He doesn't drink.
- He's a Muslim.
- Yeah, he's a little bit lapsed in certain areas - of his faith.
- Oh.
I think, as a religion, they can probably cope without him.
Oh! It's OK, it's just an exit questionnaire.
HE CHUCKLES It's really not OK, though, is it? Been a while, hasn't it? Yeah.
You all right? You Is Angela all right? Yeah, I think she just wants some fresh air.
On her chair.
So, I've been saving these for, like, a special occasion, but why not treat ourselves for filling out an exit interview form? Mm-hm.
Question one.
"Would you recommend the department as a good employer?" So, did you get much work done last night? Er, well, no, we didn't.
It wasn't We didn't (I think she's talking euphemistically, Anthony.
) No! Genuine question.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My bad.
Did you mention to Martine the project that you and I had worked on on the train about - two hours beforehand? - Katherine.
- Anthony? Erm FOOTSTEPS Oh! Er Is the minister ready steady to go? Hello! No.
He might be a while, yet.
All right? All right, people? Er, thank you for letting us know.
Yeah KATHERINE CHUCKLES Is she actually evil, or is that part of the appeal? Right.
Er, well Er, I need to go for my own ablutions, so .
excuse moi.
You shouldn't, er, talk like that about, erm, Martine.
Not because of me, more for, erm, Jeffries.
- I wasn't supposed to, you know - Hmm? Jeffries is her mum.
What? No.
Fuck off.
(Shit!) Yeah.
That's funny, isn't it? How something can make absolutely no sense at all, and yet make all the sense in the world.
Yeah TOILET FLUSHES IN BACKGROUND Can I, like, join you? Fuck it, go on.
I think I might have, like, broken him.
- I'm sure Danny's all right.
- You didn't see him.
Well, I wish that he is then.
APPLAUSE ON TELEVISION - How's work? - It's bad.
- Really, pretty bad, Dad.
- You got all your promotions.
But I'm not sure I'll last that long, you know? Things have been getting, erm, really sort of .
In my head.
And at work.
Everywhere, everywhere.
Think of the pension.
APPLAUSE ON TELEVISION Can I help you? I used to work in here.
But you don't now, though, do you? - So, what do you want? - Do I need to call security, Paul? Maybe you should, actually, Paul.
Can I smell booze, love? Gin.
Really?! Yeah.
That's not good, is it? You want a nice Chardonnay.
Yeah! Mm! - So, what can you see, from here? - Everything.
Can you find my girl? - My Martine.
- Yeah.
That's her.
Oh? Oh, something's up.
Trouble at the top.
I've not been doing too well, Dad.
I've sort of erm .
crashed a bit, you know? And I just I just wanted to come home.
You're all right, aren't you? No.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
Dad, could you ju Could you talk to me, please? TALK TO ME! TALK TO ME! Is it normal to wait this long? I'm not sure that .
I can do this.
Er the presentation? Yeah.
Look, come on.
You don't get, like, nervous.
This is just another thing to fuck up, isn't it? Yeah.
Well, what else have you fucked up? Marriage.
You! Yeah, but what else? SHE LAUGHS - You'll be fine.
- Will I? Yeah.
Of course.
It all will be.
How can you possibly fucking think that? It's actually quite calming, isn't it? Can be.
Though the odd day you do find yourself praying for a a full-on terrorist attack.
SHE GIGGLES Yeah! I can imagine.
Well, not really, though, you know.
Of course not.
Sorry, love.
It's quite all right.
- Look, for the record - Hmm? I didn't have sex with Martine last night.
Why, was she on her period? Or were you on yours? Yeah.
Yes, very good, very good.
Very witty, well done.
Anthony, you fucked me in a train carriage and then went off to stay with her.
I didn't fuck you, you fucked me, if anything.
You know full fucking well we both fucked each other, because I didn't fuck myself in that train carriage, did I?! - Are we done? - Yes, Minister.
Better come in then, hadn't you? Sorry about the various, er, delays.
We've had some, erm, internal communications issues.
Shouldn't there be more of you? - Is she all right? - Yeah.
Yeah she's just, erm, focusing.
She gets a bit, er, Zen before presenting.
Can can I get some water, please? I'm not a tea girl.
And how are we doing with it? IT is still out there.
And I'm doing all I can, OK? So, do you want to just start? Er, Katherine, - what do you think? - Mm-hm.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA I'm not feeling very well.
SHE VOMITS That's not part of the presentation, OK? We're just, erm SHE RETCHES .
warming up.
(Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
) I dunno what I'm going to do next.
I could work in Next, I suppose.
But I don't really like clothes.
Or shops.
Or customers.
- Or Next.
- Look, don't worry about it, mate, all right? But I do, though, you know? Honestly, I've had more jobs than men.
Really? Well, no.
But But I've had a lot of jobs and there's always another one out there, somewhere for you.
I dunno.
I mean it.
Work's just like work, innit? It's people you've got to hold on to.
Is there room for another one? I wonder how it's going in crazy London? Could you get rid of that please, Julia.
- Sorry, Julia.
- Yeah.
Sorry, Julia.
Maybe you should go and have a lie down, or something? That's actually, er, cleared my head a bit.
- I'm feeling loads better, now.
- You want to continue? - Yes.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Look who I found.
- Hi, Danny.
- Er, sorry I'm late.
- What, trains, was it? - No.
It was just me.
- Quite the outfit, anyway.
- Thank you.
So, how are we, Danny? All right? How have you been finding things up in Northampton? I've, er, heard it's been a bit, erm, rocky for you, at times? Yeah.
It has.
Tell us all about it.
- I'm a bit fucked.
- Danny - What? .
just stick to the presentation, as practised, maybe, yeah? But he he wants me, to be honest.
- Yeah, but - (I'm so fucked.
) - You've said that.
- Let him talk.
My mum died when I was ten.
She she fell down some stairs at work.
Her work.
Er, she she had, like, an aneurysm that made her fall.
So, she didn't reach out to protect herself, or, erm So, she That's obviously awful.
But is this really the right place to? Yeah.
I think it is, actually.
It's not an excuse.
People people die all the time, don't they? But, I dunno, it's sort of left, like, a hole.
Which, as I get older, I've been sort of falling into faster and faster and yesterday I sort of crashed.
I I ended up in hospital and when I woke up and it, like, all came together in my head, I had this moment of, like, er - Clarity.
- Yeah I shouldn't have been promoted.
I shouldn't manage anyone .
cos I haven't done any work.
I'm not a Muslim.
I fucked in the Immigration Pathway.
I've fucked in myself.
- It's all just - Fucked.
So, I am not going to lie to you and pretend that I've done it all.
Cos I haven't.
I haven't done anything right for years.
And it is not their fault.
It's mine.
It is my fault.
And Katherine is so right.
The the the Immigration Pathway could actually help people, couldn't it, Katherine? Yeah.
So I've I've let those people down, haven't I? And I I don't want to let anyone down any more.
So, I Yeah, I think I'm I'm done here.
Yeah, that's all I have to say.
Thank you.
- Er, there's a few phone calls for you.
- From who? - Everyone.
Erm, did I, erm, did I miss much? Yes? That is a core competency.
- Making An Impact.
- SHE LAUGHS Yeah, we definitely fucking did that.
Don't worry about it, Danny, all right? You were great.
Is that? Oh, my God! - It could be worse? - How? My vagina is on the internet! Er.
Well, erm you still have your health.
If not If not your career.
- Why did you send it to the Minister's wife? - I didn't! He did! - Oh.
- Accidently.
He's worse with technology than you are.
And then she - let rip.
- Oh, dear.
I mean, I tried to kill the story and, er, here we are We all make mistakes, though, don't we? I certainly have.
Can I at least buy you a coffee? And then let's start from there? Erm Er Yeah, OK.
All right.
Er, what about there? Yeah, yeah, just go.
Getting a bit late, shall we head back in? You can, yeah.
So, why didn't you? What? Fuck her? Mmm, because I didn't want to.
Why not? Because she's not you.
We may have an issue.
This is Alex, from personnel.
- I'm her husband.
- Ex.
- No.
- What? It's my last day, today.
Wanted it to focus more on the positive.
Happy Jenny Leaving Day.
- I slept with your wife.
- Anthony? I don't think they'll make me work out my notice.
You're just going to come in, resign and fuck off? - What the fuck are you doing? - He slapped me.
- We should try again.
- Are you serious? Minister wants you shut down.
I might have something lined up, in finance, in the City.