Not Safe for Work (UK) (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

- Tell us all about it.
- I fucked in the Immigration Pathway.
Oh, thank goodness! OK, no, I thought you were going to fire me or something.
Would you recommend the department as a good employer? Will you talk to me, please? Talk to me! Well divorced.
Couldn't have done it without you.
Ketamine.
- Did you cheat on him? - We just grew apart.
You actually did.
Have you seen Danny about? I think I might have, like, broken him.
Jeffries is her mum.
No.
Fuck off.
- Are you still a corporate slut? - Yeah.
- Are you still a civil service bitch? - Yeah.
How do you fancy bunking up, Anthony? Er I'll OK.
- Is that? - Oh, my God! It could be worse.
How?! My vagina is on the internet! - So why didn't you? - What? Fuck her.
Because she's not you.
Are you lost? - What? - This isn't work, is it? It's a drinking alcohol area.
Pub? Yeah.
It is.
Katherine, yeah? Yeah.
From the office.
Anthony.
I gave a talk last month on the competency framework, and you were in the audience.
Andrew.
Anthony.
What are you working on? It is a proposal for a team to bring together immigration policy across all of government.
Sounds - ambitious.
- Yeah.
Probably won't happen, but you've got to try, haven't you Anthony? Yeah.
Can I buy you a drink? No.
How do you get any work done in here? I like it.
The office is weird and empty this late.
So it's nice to be around people.
Even strangers.
What's wrong with home? Dickhead flatmates? Dickhead husband.
Shit.
No, he's He's not really, it's just got a bit He's lovely, really.
It's, um, just recently You'd rather be somewhere else.
Davina speaks highly of you.
Well, she's been paid handsomely.
She says you're with the civil service at the minute.
How is that? After six years of becoming quite good, in many ways, at my job, I'm stuck in a regional outpost so chronically neglected and mismanaged that if it was a horse, you'd shoot it.
Then cut out its heart.
To make sure it was definitely dead.
I have accumulated so much financial and spiritual debt that I'm not sure what option I have but to be here, with the head of mergers and acquisitions for an objectively evil private finance firm, in a members-only club so smug and self-satisfied that I want to run to the nearest window, jump out, fall, however many storeys, to the sweet release of a bloody, violent death.
Davina speaks highly of you.
Well, she's been paid handsomely.
She says you're with the civil service at the minute.
How is that? Honestly? So Any joy, a la Columbo, or Marple, then? I made a few phone calls.
To anyone who'll still speak to me.
And, yeah, you were right.
The Minister wants you shut down.
ASABP.
So why hasn't he, then? Been calling all week.
To no end.
Imagine he's too busy trying to save his neck.
Given, um Well, given everything.
Once that's settled it's over.
- Right.
- You OK? Yes.
It's a relief, in a way.
To know.
Anyway, what about your upset? Oh, no, I'm fine.
Yeah.
I'm great.
Absolutely.
Look, it's not your fault.
You just had a bit of fun and the boys' club closed ranks.
Well, he was married.
You should have been around in the '90s.
Three-hour pub lunch.
Come back, smoke a cigarillo at your desk.
Be in a wine bar by four.
Wake up.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Most of us couldn't recall who we'd .
.
encountered, let alone je regrette.
Who did you encounter? A few undersecretaries, I think.
Never a minister, though.
You win, girl.
Doesn't feel like much of a victory.
Are you all right for money and whatnot? You could always stay chez me.
What about, um Matthew? Do him good to, er find his own place for a while.
Finally.
OK.
Thank thank you.
Yeah.
I might, then.
Mmm.
Morning, guv.
You're early.
Have you been up all night at some party, rave, thing? No, I just stayed in.
Made a lasagne.
Oh, nice.
So where have you been all week? Did you have a little holiday? On your holibobs somewhere? I was just at home.
In bed, mostly.
Bed-staycation-mazing.
Well, we've all really missed you.
Especially Angela.
So how was it, presenting to a minister? I mean, I'm sure you were totally brilliant.
could you just hurry up, please, Jenny? I've got to get my stuff.
Yeah, it's just there's There's a sort of special knack.
Knick-knack, knacketty-knick.
So are you back with us now, boss? No, Jenny.
- How come? - Just not.
What you packing for? Is it another holiday? It's my last day today, so Congratulations.
It's not a good thing, I mean, I I don't want to go, do I? You off then? Sorry, yeah, I'll, um Do you want me to get that? I can I'll just Hello? Um, I'm afraid he's a bit busy at the minute.
OK, that's going to be a bit Yes, well, I will do my be I have to? OK.
I will.
Bye-bye, bye-bye.
Hi there.
Oh, wow! Hi.
Can I help you? Yeah, I'm looking for Katherine.
God, she is popular! And lucky.
Um, she's not in yet.
Is there anywhere I can wait for her? Definitely.
Um, that's her desk there.
Or you could sit nearer to mine if you wanted.
Thanks.
So how do you know Katherine then, um? Alex.
And it's, um personal.
(OK.
) So where you been? Katherine said I should take a bit of time off to clear my head.
Doesn't mean you can't call me, though, does it? Or stop hiding in your kitchen when I ring your doorbell? So what you packing up for? Don't think they'll make me work out my notice, so So you were just going to come in, resign and fuck off without a word? I need some - quiet.
- No, what you need is - No.
I'm talking, yeah? Can I go, please? I tell you what, mate, I'm going to give you a little bit of a chance to have a think about it all, all right? It's a gift, yeah? What Angela You're going to thank me, mate, honestly.
And if you don't fuck it.
Hey.
- Do you want a hand? - Oh, yeah, that would be amazing.
Just tie the top one.
Everyone's been a bit quiet about it, but did any of the data I researched for Danny get used with the minister? I I can't remember exactly Just make me feel really, like, proud to have been part of something big and important, like that, you know? Yeah, yeah.
I know what you mean.
It's just, er I don't really Is that right? Oh, I didn't want it be, sort of, negative, or down.
Wanted it to focus more on the positive.
You know, like, "Happy Birthday," "Happy New Year.
" "Happy Jenny Leaving Day.
" OK.
Er It's just it might look like we're all so happy she's leaving, we've made it a day.
And put a banner up.
No .
.
it won't.
Will it? Ooh, Anthony The minister's office want a video conference call with Danny, Jeffries and Katherine set up in like half an hour.
Apparently there's really big important news from the minister.
- Shit.
Right.
- But the thing is, I can't get hold of Jeffries, and Danny's sort of a bit busy, at the moment, being Angela'd.
Um, so do you know where Katherine is, at all? - Er no.
- Right.
So what are we going to, like, do, then? Who's that? Oh, um that's Alex from Personnel.
Fuck! Hi.
We may have an, er issue.
- Um - This is Alex from Personnel.
- Actually, I'm her husband.
- Ex.
No, current.
What? I thought you were divorced.
So did I, Jenny.
Can we go somewhere private? Can you just wait there? Are we safe? Yeah.
Do you remember I .
.
got you to sign that paperwork? - Be weird if I didn't.
- Yeah, well, I, er never actually got it processed, or There was just something so final about it, like A divorce? No.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Like giving up.
We already gave up, Alex.
We had everything, and then we lost it, and this is just the paperwork.
- Literally.
- Or maybe the fact that I couldn't send it tells us something.
That you need a better PA? - That we should try again.
- Are you .
.
serious? Look, I know it wasn't great, living with me.
It was awful.
Yeah, look, us moving in together, settling down, the wedding - I didn't really think about any of it, I was just - Oh! .
.
going along with it.
And then the reality of it was real and difficult.
- And then you got pregnant, and then we lost her.
- Mmm.
And everything was just such a mess.
I was almost relieved when you did what you did with that guy.
But the more I've thought about you the more I just want to go back and do it all again.
Because the one thing that's clear in my head is that you're the only person in the whole world that .
.
that I've ever really loved.
Living with you made me doubt every single thing about myself.
Why would I put myself through that again? I know that this is a huge amount to take in.
But however long it takes, and whatever I have to do I will wait for you, Katherine.
(Fuck.
) - Hi.
- Hi.
No, would you, um Er yeah er Would you stop, please?! Why? Because I slept with your wife.
- You named me in your divorce papers.
- Anthony? Hi.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hello.
Yeah.
I just want to say she .
.
doesn't want you back.
Why not? Because I saw how miserable you made her the last time.
Katherine and I have been through so very much more than some chump in a cheap suit that she had an office fling with.
No, it's more than that.
When you've had a child with someone, then you lose that child .
.
you're on a totally different fucking level.
One you couldn't even possibly Sorry.
- You OK? - No.
Ohh! Motherfucker! Yeah Yeah, I bit my tongue.
Good! Good.
Argh argh Fuck off! Ohh! Stop or I'll break your fucking arm! Alex? - What the fuck are you doing?! - He slapped me.
I did.
- But then he did it er worse.
- Oh Let go of him.
Look, I'll, er I'll I'll call you.
He seems nice.
Oh morning, team.
Er there's news, I'm afraid, from London.
Not good.
We'll need to make a little, erm, announcement-ay to the staff, let them know.
Er, only fair.
Could you just give us a minute? Oh, yes, of course, um Jeffries needs a coffee and a thing, anyway, so of course.
Er bonne chance.
Better? Do you want to go for, like, a walk, or something? - Get some air? - You hate walking.
- Only when I'm hung over or drunk.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm not either, mate.
Am I? - Are you, ill? - No.
Just, waiting for you to wake up in the hospital wasn't the best night out I've had.
I haven't fancied it since.
Me neither.
Cool.
I even went to yoga.
It was horrible -- bendy women everywhere.
Stank.
- Ooh! - Ready? - Aha! - OK.
- Aha! - One, two, three.
Surprise! Oh.
Why's there a weird fold in the middle? Oh, it's just part of the design.
Hmm.
I'm not happy, though, am I? No-no.
No-no, we're all happy to have had you here with us.
You know, like, with a wake.
Er where you're celebrating the life, not the Horrible, horrible death.
Hmmm.
Is that it? No! No, no, no.
I, I thought we could all, er, head off early, maybe go to a pub or a pizza lounge? So, there's not going to be a nice spread or .
.
somewhere special booked or one of those big cards that everyone's signed or, I don't know, a surprise party, or any of the things that I always do for everyone else all the time and put loads of effort into, even though they don't appreciate just how much effort goes into them.
Do they, Nathanial? No.
They don't.
They do not! No! No.
But it's YOUR day.
Happy You Day.
Yay(!) I just fuck things up for people, you know? So, I want to just start again and try not to this time.
Yeah? OK.
Whatever you want to do, I'll help you out with it, yeah? Why not? Because we only ever, like, help each other fuck things into smithereens.
And I want to just un-fuck things for a bit, you know? Without .
.
you.
And I think, I think we'd both have a better chance then, Ang.
Do you, do you know what I'm saying? It's not the office you're leaving, is it? It's me.
You're like the other half of my brain, mate.
So, why you trying to, like, cut me out for? Ooh, Jenny, Jen, Jen.
Er, all good? Could I have my job back and maybe not be fired any more, please? No.
Sorry.
That's, er, literally impossible at this stage.
- Er, particularly as - All right.
Well, could you maybe just leave me alone, then, please? OK.
Er, maybe after I've made my Apparently, the Minister wants to give you, Danny and Katherine really big, massive, huge, massive news on the video conference call thing, like, really, really soon.
So, maybe you should just, like, go and do that now.
Yeah? Does he? Er, OK.
Er, thanks for letting me know, yes.
Yes.
Er, can we, er, open up shop, please? Er, chop, chop.
Is, is there a problem-o, here, too? I just need to, erm - Danny.
- Danny, er, yes.
Could you come back? I am married to him.
Technically.
More than I'm married to anyone else.
You're not buying it, though, are you? What? Jesus.
You are.
- An Anthony, what are you - His girlfriend dumps him and suddenly he remembers how much he wants you back? When some of us have been here the whole fucking time.
It's very different.
How? When I first kissed Alex, I knew I loved him already.
It was such a perfect everything.
When I first kissed you, I was a pissed-up mess hiding in a pub.
Because of how badly he treated you, yeah.
We haven't exactly been perfect for each other, since then, have we? No.
But who is? And you weren't a pissed-up mess.
You were someone that I could talk with in a way that I never had with anyone else.
And in a way that I don't think you have with anyone else, either.
So, I mean, it's not perfect, but it's pretty fucking close.
If you let it be.
Er, I might have something lined up.
In finance, in the City.
You would fucking hate that.
I hate this.
I HATE THIS!! So, what? You would rather help the private sector asset strip/bum rape the state? That's just, that's not you.
You didn't always hate this before Katherine I'm not going back out there.
Please don't make me.
I won't, Danny.
I really won't.
Sorry I fucked up your idea.
- I wish there was something I could do.
- It's OK.
- Still - If you hadn't, someone else would have.
- Do you want some A3 as an arm rest? - Yeah, please.
Thanks.
Thanks, Dorothy.
Bye.
- Oh.
- Erm, I was thinking, you could maybe get rid of me instead of Jenny? - No.
- OK.
Please? - Er Again, no.
Er, but look, erm, there may be bigger things afoot.
So, er - What foot? What? - Erm Look, all I'll say at this stage is: firstly, I would not accept your offer under the, the best of circum-stancions and secondly, er, you may not formally have a position to relinquish in about, er, ten minutes, so But I'd rather tell everyone all about that altogether.
So, can we, er, discuss it all again then? Though, the answer will be exactly the same.
I, I think.
OK.
Thank you.
I think.
No, no, no, thank, thank you.
I think.
Yeah.
OK.
Room for a Jeffries? - Pillow.
- Oh.
Now, erm I know we've had a few ups and downs, du jour, but, erm, in about, nine minutes the, er the Minister will be calling through.
- He's only going to tell us we're finished.
- Yeah, what's the point? Erm, but as well as talking to the Minister, we need to explain our dark situ to your colleagues.
They will be affected by this.
Pretty drastically.
Do we not owe them some honesty? Yeah.
I'll tell them.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
I am still their manager.
Er, could, er, everyone be quiet, please? Er, I've got something to say, er, with words.
It's going to affect you all, I'm afraid Jenny, could you join the rest, please? Jenny? Jenny! Since I've been here, there hasn't been a single, like, day, apart from the last weekypops, where someone hasn't stolen most of my wheat-free lunch from the fridge.
Or someone hasn't been rude and horrible and spiteful to me for absolutely no reason at all.
And despite you throwing a really rubbish final day, Nathanial, this has still been the best place, like, ever, to work.
And stuff.
So, I just wanted to say thanks for being there and being my friends.
You've made me feel like I was part of something.
Even if I'm not part of it any more.
So .
.
thanks.
And I'm going to take this sign, erm, to, you know, remember you all by and remember the times that I was Happy Jenny.
Those times.
That'll be the Minister.
Come on, team, chop chop.
Right.
Minister? 'Uh-huh.
' Er, can you, can you see us? 'No.
Can you see me?' - Er - No.
Are you, are you a woman, at all? 'Apparently.
' Erm .
.
how's that? 'My predecessor's habits finally caught up with him this morning 'and I'd like to get on top of his brief as quickly as he got on top of 'most of his special advisors and family friends.
'So, can we start?!' Yes.
Please, Minister.
'Your performance hasn't been stellar, has it? 'No substantive reports issued for over a year.
'Your future work programme seems non-existent.
'And the less said about the presentation you lot gave here last week, the better.
- 'It doesn't look very good, does it?' - No.
'Ample evidence you should be shut down, really.
' 'And yet seems like a good idea, to me.
' What's that? 'Having one team to piece together immigration policy 'across the competing interests of UK PLC.
- 'Could have a major impact IF done right.
' - Yeah.
It could.
- 'Er, who's that, please?' - Er, that's Katherine.
Erm, she, er, she, wrote the original policy document that recommended this place was set up.
So, it's, erm, it's her baby.
'Right.
So, what went wrong, Katherine?' Everything.
'But could it be fixed?' Well, I mean, I mean, you'd have to just completely start again and even then, erm, honestly, I, I, I think it may be too late.
- So Oh? Hello? - Yes, hello? It's dead.
- Is it? - What? Too late? I could consider restructuring, you know, moving Danny sideways, er, to a more liaison-friendly role.
You know, suit his more, er, languid style.
Yes? And who'd take over from him? - Look - No.
- .
.
it, it seems to me - No.
.
.
that you have a very strong idea about how you see the world, Katherine, how you'd like it and us to be.
Better, fairer, bolder -- and in this instance, you might have the freedom to do all those things.
A chance to see your baby grow up, as it were.
Walk on its own legs.
And feet.
And skin.
So, what do you think? Otherwise .
.
I'm not sure we stand a chance.
Fuck.
- She's, er, she's back.
- So, shall we answer her? Tell her we have a plan, Katherine? Erm That's enough work for one day, Danny.
Are you coming? How long do you think I could hide here for? About a week? Or I could just, like stay at your flat? Well, might be easier.
Yeah.
I am still here.
Yes? - Do you, erm, want a lift, or anything? - Yeah.
- Yeah, that would be - It's all right.
I've got it.
You've been ages.
So .
.
where shall we go then, kid? Do you want to maybe go for a drink? I probably shouldn't.
Yeah