NTSF:SD:SUV:: s03e12 Episode Script
Wreck the Malls
_ _ _ Time to go to sleep, my darlings, so you can get up bright and early and see what Santa has brought you.
Christmas is boring.
Yeah, Christmas is boring.
I wish it was Flag Day.
Well, it's not always boring.
Do you remember the story of the terrorist mall Santa? Haven't seen this many ugly sweaters since I went to the Cosby Show convention.
Man, I can't wait to see Santa! Is he here?! I haven't seen Santa in at least a year now! You know it's not really Santa.
I mean, why would Santa come to the mall? Of course that's the real Santa.
This is Santa's favorite mall.
We talk all the time.
Piper, are you at the mall yet? Just about.
This place is a madhouse.
I guess I'm not the only person who waited till the day before Christmas to do all of their shopping.
Oh! Keep you eyes open for a Petey the Pitbull doll.
My uncle Gary really wants one.
Actually, that was a lie.
I really want one.
Will do.
I mean, that Petey the Pitbull doll is the hottest toy this Christmas.
They're selling on eBay for thousands.
Yeah, thanks for reminding me, Trent.
I'm glad we decided to keep these earpieces in during the holiday season.
I mean, it makes it easier for everybody to help each other out.
Santa really likes it when we help each other.
Look, kids, our time here today is special, but to keep it special, I need to get away from you two.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom, work on water-boarding puns in the mirror.
"Surf's up.
" Oh, that's a good one.
Excuse me, security, has anybody told you "Merry Christmas"? Sit down and shut up! Shut up! Get on the ground! Everyone shut up! Lock down the mall.
Tonight's gonna be a very merry Christmas.
It's also the fifth day of Hanukah.
This isn't about Hanukah! - What's happening, Uncle Alphonse? - Nothing.
It's just Santa.
(Spanish accent) Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen For years, the San Diego Mall has fed off of the greed of the common man.
Tonight, we shall teach them a lesson in consumerism and you shall all be witnesses.
This mall is completely locked down! Everyone stay put and nobody gets hurt.
It's okay, kids.
Santa! You made it! Hey, can I be the first one to sit on your lap? Whoa! Wait a second.
No! Okay, everybody calm down.
I am in touch with somebody who's on the inside.
I need that Petey doll! Yeah, I need a Petey doll, too, okay, sister?! Piper, Cherokee and Jericho are being held hostage at the mall.
Yeah, and I'm locked outside with a bunch of savage civilians, Trent, so it's up to you.
Ah, what a surprise.
I've known Santa all my life.
Maybe I can reason with him.
No! Am I interrupting something? No, Alphonse! What are you doing? Now, I know you guys aren't just a bunch of dumb schmucks that came up here to lift a few gold chains.
You're very perceptive.
You're here to negotiate.
Am I right, Santa? Bubbe! I'm your white knight.
Wayne Knight? Newman? The guy from Seinfeld? No, uh, it's a phrase.
I'm your white knight! - That's something people say? - Yeah, the hero.
I've not heard this.
What is it you want, my friend? Oh, Santa, it's not about what I want.
It's about what I can give you.
I happen to be in touch with the head agent at NTSF:SD:SUV::.
Maybe you've heard of him -- Trent Hauser.
Damn it, Alphonse! You Alaskan idiot.
How is this that you are in contact with him? We all have inner-ear transmitters, so Hit him with the candy cane.
Wait, wait, wait.
Alphonse did what? Unbelievable.
This is pretty violent for a bedtime story.
- You're telling me.
- Keep going! Okay, but shut your mouths so I can finish this story, open up a bottle of Chardonnay, and polish off that gingerbread house.
Anyway, Daddy was at the gift-wrapping station, getting items to kill some elves Hey! Jingle bells! Over here! Looks like you choked on some ribbon.
Sir, this just arrived for you.
"To Santa, from Trent Hauser, "NTSF column SD column SUV column column.
" Bring him to me! Trent Hauser, can you hear me? Hello, Santa.
I see you got my gift.
Next time, leave a gift receipt.
Why? So you can return it? Doesn't make any sense.
What kind of game are you playing at, Trent Hauser? Just a little last-minute Christmas shopping.
You are but a minor inconvenience to me.
I am so excited to be ruining your children's Christmas by having my elves kill you.
It's gonna take a lot more than my death to ruin Christmas for my kids.
I missed-- I missed part of the last part.
I said-- I'm not getting him.
Let's hold his thing up.
- Hello? - Hello? That's it for you for the next two weeks.
I can't take it anymore ! Come on, let's riot! - Daisy? - You bet your sweet ass! I want in, and I want it now! Right, everyone? You think I have a sweet ass? Daisy, hey, I've got this under control.
Oh, yeah? Do you? Who put you in charge anyway? It was the will of the people.
I don't remember voting for you.
I'm taking over.
Come on! Who's with me?! Come on! Come on! Who's with me? Come on! I'll kill all of you and I'll kill myself! I don't care! Gyah! Chew on that! Whoa! Unh! Hubba bubba.
Hmm, gumball.
Poison gumball! Looks like you're gonna have a silent night because you're dead.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Hey! Great to see you! You escaped.
I'm proud of you.
How many terrorists did you kill? - Three.
- Eh.
Looks like they're heading down to the loading dock.
I'm gonna go check it out.
Daddy, is this what Christmas is about? I'll tell you what Christmas is about.
Christmas is about spending time with your family, like your mom and dad, but just not at the same time.
It's about working through your differences and bringing people together for a common purpose.
Christmas is about loving your fellow man.
Or, in the case of Santa and his elves, killing them.
Christmas is about forgiving those who you fought and helping those that are less fortunate.
Yaaaah! Christmas is about learning important life lessons, but, uh, let's have your mom deal with that.
Now go find someplace to play while I go kill some guys.
Oh! And one more thing -- don't play with the dead elves.
They're not toys.
Look at all those Petey the Pitbull dolls.
They're gonna go for a fortune on eBay.
Piper, I'm in the loading dock.
I need your help.
Hold on, people! I can't hear Trent! I'll go in without you.
I said shut up! Hey, Santa.
Looks like you didn't know if I was sleeping or awake.
Well, if it isn't the Ghost of Christmas Past, Trent Hauser.
Trent, let's settle this man to man -- just us.
- All right, you're on.
- Elves, do not interfere! Prepare to get sleighed by my 10 flying pain-deer! The time has come.
All of those boxes are filled with Petey the Pitbull dolls! Go! - Go! - Hyah! Trent Hauser, you were not good for goodness sake.
Hey, everyone! Santa's got more Petey the Pitbulls in his belly! Get him! And that's how your father saved Christmas, just a few hours ago today.
Right.
That happened to us today.
Wow.
They turned that into a book so fast.
Mommy, what's the point of this story? Don't trust anyone you love, and don't love anyone you trust.
Merry Christmas, my darlings.
Go get the old chimney sweeper Make sure the chimney is clear Time to get hummin' Santa is comin' I love this time of the year Let's make the dishes Everyone wishes I love this time of the year I love this time of the year
Christmas is boring.
Yeah, Christmas is boring.
I wish it was Flag Day.
Well, it's not always boring.
Do you remember the story of the terrorist mall Santa? Haven't seen this many ugly sweaters since I went to the Cosby Show convention.
Man, I can't wait to see Santa! Is he here?! I haven't seen Santa in at least a year now! You know it's not really Santa.
I mean, why would Santa come to the mall? Of course that's the real Santa.
This is Santa's favorite mall.
We talk all the time.
Piper, are you at the mall yet? Just about.
This place is a madhouse.
I guess I'm not the only person who waited till the day before Christmas to do all of their shopping.
Oh! Keep you eyes open for a Petey the Pitbull doll.
My uncle Gary really wants one.
Actually, that was a lie.
I really want one.
Will do.
I mean, that Petey the Pitbull doll is the hottest toy this Christmas.
They're selling on eBay for thousands.
Yeah, thanks for reminding me, Trent.
I'm glad we decided to keep these earpieces in during the holiday season.
I mean, it makes it easier for everybody to help each other out.
Santa really likes it when we help each other.
Look, kids, our time here today is special, but to keep it special, I need to get away from you two.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom, work on water-boarding puns in the mirror.
"Surf's up.
" Oh, that's a good one.
Excuse me, security, has anybody told you "Merry Christmas"? Sit down and shut up! Shut up! Get on the ground! Everyone shut up! Lock down the mall.
Tonight's gonna be a very merry Christmas.
It's also the fifth day of Hanukah.
This isn't about Hanukah! - What's happening, Uncle Alphonse? - Nothing.
It's just Santa.
(Spanish accent) Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen For years, the San Diego Mall has fed off of the greed of the common man.
Tonight, we shall teach them a lesson in consumerism and you shall all be witnesses.
This mall is completely locked down! Everyone stay put and nobody gets hurt.
It's okay, kids.
Santa! You made it! Hey, can I be the first one to sit on your lap? Whoa! Wait a second.
No! Okay, everybody calm down.
I am in touch with somebody who's on the inside.
I need that Petey doll! Yeah, I need a Petey doll, too, okay, sister?! Piper, Cherokee and Jericho are being held hostage at the mall.
Yeah, and I'm locked outside with a bunch of savage civilians, Trent, so it's up to you.
Ah, what a surprise.
I've known Santa all my life.
Maybe I can reason with him.
No! Am I interrupting something? No, Alphonse! What are you doing? Now, I know you guys aren't just a bunch of dumb schmucks that came up here to lift a few gold chains.
You're very perceptive.
You're here to negotiate.
Am I right, Santa? Bubbe! I'm your white knight.
Wayne Knight? Newman? The guy from Seinfeld? No, uh, it's a phrase.
I'm your white knight! - That's something people say? - Yeah, the hero.
I've not heard this.
What is it you want, my friend? Oh, Santa, it's not about what I want.
It's about what I can give you.
I happen to be in touch with the head agent at NTSF:SD:SUV::.
Maybe you've heard of him -- Trent Hauser.
Damn it, Alphonse! You Alaskan idiot.
How is this that you are in contact with him? We all have inner-ear transmitters, so Hit him with the candy cane.
Wait, wait, wait.
Alphonse did what? Unbelievable.
This is pretty violent for a bedtime story.
- You're telling me.
- Keep going! Okay, but shut your mouths so I can finish this story, open up a bottle of Chardonnay, and polish off that gingerbread house.
Anyway, Daddy was at the gift-wrapping station, getting items to kill some elves Hey! Jingle bells! Over here! Looks like you choked on some ribbon.
Sir, this just arrived for you.
"To Santa, from Trent Hauser, "NTSF column SD column SUV column column.
" Bring him to me! Trent Hauser, can you hear me? Hello, Santa.
I see you got my gift.
Next time, leave a gift receipt.
Why? So you can return it? Doesn't make any sense.
What kind of game are you playing at, Trent Hauser? Just a little last-minute Christmas shopping.
You are but a minor inconvenience to me.
I am so excited to be ruining your children's Christmas by having my elves kill you.
It's gonna take a lot more than my death to ruin Christmas for my kids.
I missed-- I missed part of the last part.
I said-- I'm not getting him.
Let's hold his thing up.
- Hello? - Hello? That's it for you for the next two weeks.
I can't take it anymore ! Come on, let's riot! - Daisy? - You bet your sweet ass! I want in, and I want it now! Right, everyone? You think I have a sweet ass? Daisy, hey, I've got this under control.
Oh, yeah? Do you? Who put you in charge anyway? It was the will of the people.
I don't remember voting for you.
I'm taking over.
Come on! Who's with me?! Come on! Come on! Who's with me? Come on! I'll kill all of you and I'll kill myself! I don't care! Gyah! Chew on that! Whoa! Unh! Hubba bubba.
Hmm, gumball.
Poison gumball! Looks like you're gonna have a silent night because you're dead.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Hey! Great to see you! You escaped.
I'm proud of you.
How many terrorists did you kill? - Three.
- Eh.
Looks like they're heading down to the loading dock.
I'm gonna go check it out.
Daddy, is this what Christmas is about? I'll tell you what Christmas is about.
Christmas is about spending time with your family, like your mom and dad, but just not at the same time.
It's about working through your differences and bringing people together for a common purpose.
Christmas is about loving your fellow man.
Or, in the case of Santa and his elves, killing them.
Christmas is about forgiving those who you fought and helping those that are less fortunate.
Yaaaah! Christmas is about learning important life lessons, but, uh, let's have your mom deal with that.
Now go find someplace to play while I go kill some guys.
Oh! And one more thing -- don't play with the dead elves.
They're not toys.
Look at all those Petey the Pitbull dolls.
They're gonna go for a fortune on eBay.
Piper, I'm in the loading dock.
I need your help.
Hold on, people! I can't hear Trent! I'll go in without you.
I said shut up! Hey, Santa.
Looks like you didn't know if I was sleeping or awake.
Well, if it isn't the Ghost of Christmas Past, Trent Hauser.
Trent, let's settle this man to man -- just us.
- All right, you're on.
- Elves, do not interfere! Prepare to get sleighed by my 10 flying pain-deer! The time has come.
All of those boxes are filled with Petey the Pitbull dolls! Go! - Go! - Hyah! Trent Hauser, you were not good for goodness sake.
Hey, everyone! Santa's got more Petey the Pitbulls in his belly! Get him! And that's how your father saved Christmas, just a few hours ago today.
Right.
That happened to us today.
Wow.
They turned that into a book so fast.
Mommy, what's the point of this story? Don't trust anyone you love, and don't love anyone you trust.
Merry Christmas, my darlings.
Go get the old chimney sweeper Make sure the chimney is clear Time to get hummin' Santa is comin' I love this time of the year Let's make the dishes Everyone wishes I love this time of the year I love this time of the year