Odd Mom Out (2015) s02e08 Episode Script
40 Is the New 70
1 [frenetic techno music.]
You shake it, shake it, shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it Slo-mo! - Oh, yeah.
- Go, Dottie.
All: Go, Dottie.
Go, Dottie.
Go, Dottie.
Go, Dottie.
[cheering.]
All right, now cheer for Daddy, who's rockin' it at his new job.
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
- Go, Daddy.
- Go, Daddy.
- Go, Daddy.
Okay, Mommy's turn.
- Hold up.
- Mommy! Hey, mama.
Oh, mama.
- Here we go.
- Hazel, hat.
[all cheer.]
I like it Mama's turn.
Mama's turn.
Shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it for me [chair crashes.]
- Mommy? - Mommy! [screams.]
My f ing finger! - Mommy.
- Mommy, language! [rock music.]
Hey, yes, you know I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine Since this is your third broken bone in two years, I ordered a DEXA Scan, and I'm glad I did, because the results confirmed my hunch.
Which was? You have advanced osteopenia.
Is that am I gonna live? Yes, you'll live.
It just means that you have the bones of an 82-year-old.
- What? - Give or take a year.
How is that possible? What did I do wrong? Often, it's purely hereditary, but bone loss can be exacerbated by lack of exercise, excessive alcohol consumption, coffee, cola, alcohol.
You said that already.
[scanner beeps.]
Did you find everything you needed today? Uh, yeah.
Not in a global sense, but yeah.
Do you have a club card? Oh, man, I do, but not with me.
That's okay.
We can pull it up with your phone number.
Oh, great.
917 Uh, 917.
Sorry.
It's 917 What's wrong with me? I know this.
What is my phone number? I know your phone number.
Want me to tell you? No, don't.
I want to see how long it takes me to remember.
Do I have Alzheimer's? No.
Remember at the movies, when I couldn't remember what's-her-face's name, with the hair? From that show we used to love? Oh, yeah.
I love her.
What's her name again? I have no idea.
But you keep changing the subject.
From what? I can't remember.
Graham.
Oh, yeah.
It's fine.
We kissed for a second, and then I came back to my senses, and now he's staying with a cousin.
Okay, good riddance.
See ya never, Graham.
Sorry I'm talking like Cindy Brady.
I just put in a new Invisalign.
Oh, I couldn't tell.
I forgot you and Hazel are doing that whole mother-daughter teeth straightening thing.
You guys are so cute.
Yeah, well, when your ten-year-old tells you that you have "granny teeth," you have to take action.
What is wrong with us? Everyone's always saying things like, "60 is the new 40.
" Oh, no.
That's bullshit.
40 is the new 70.
70? Okay, you wish.
Ooh, I like that bag.
Yeah, I think it's a Von Weber.
Oh, my God.
That's one of Brooke's bags? [stammers.]
- Sorry.
- That's not funny.
I just liked something that Brooke designed.
It was like a blind taste test that I failed.
It's a cute bag.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
No, if she's designing something that's actually good, I can't make fun of her.
Her career is en fuego, and I'm shooting doorman head shots for free.
No, you just need to work on your hustle.
Have you ever pitched yourself to Brooke? Ugh, no.
First of all, you can't mix work and family.
That's inevitable disaster, and second, she knows what I do.
She could've hired me if she wanted to.
Well, you don't ask, you don't get.
You're 82.
What are you gonna do, wait until you're 90 to get your career in gear? Ow.
Elder abuse.
That was delicious, guys.
Thanks again.
Hello, Anderson.
Hey, what are you doing here? Hi.
I'm meeting Celia for our standing lunch date.
And who have we here? These are the wunderkinds I was telling you about: Chad and Omar, from my new job.
Yes.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Is the rest of the company this handsome? [laughs.]
This is my mother, Mrs.
von Weber.
Oh, so we have you to thank for bringing Andy into the world.
[both laugh.]
Anderson, may I have a word? Sure, I'll see you guys back at the office.
Nice meeting you.
Yes.
How dare you embarrass me that way? What? What did I say? You know goddamn well what you said.
You introduced me as your mother.
Are you not my mother? Must I spell everything out for you? You are a middle-aged man now, so think about how that impacts me.
You? Yes.
You are so self-involved.
Until further notice, I would prefer that you introduce me as your dear friend.
Your table is ready, Mrs.
von Weber.
So, wow, this is like a real wedding dress.
But do you think it's solemn enough for the occasion? Well, I mean, given that it's just a vows renewal, I "Just a vows renewal?" Jill, this is much more meaningful than a wedding.
Lex and I have been to darker places than you could ever understand.
Anyway.
Shifting gears, I just wanted to remind you that I'm still pluggin' away at ye old photography biz, just in case, you know, you Yes? Well, I mean, no pressure, but if you ever need a photographer for anything Oh, you're asking me for a job.
Jill, I say this with love.
I believe mixing work and family is never wise.
Yeah, I have heard that said.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
I just know so much more now, and I want to share my wisdom with you.
Janice, how's it going in there? You tell me.
- What do you think? - Oh, my God.
Beyond love.
Jill, this is my bridesmaids' dress.
Isn't it heaven? Yeah.
I mean, it might be a little slinky for me.
[laughing.]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This is for the other girls.
They're by Amsale.
I have something much more age-appropriate for you.
Janice here definitely has the booty for it.
Seriously, it runs in my family.
Yeah.
Well, that was easy.
Yeah.
Isn't that color the best for her skin tone? She's so Lupita Nyong'o.
I don't see that.
Tara, the gown.
Here is your matron of honor gown.
Bring it in.
Thank you.
Holy shit.
I know.
Gorgeous, right? I thought if anyone can pull off a drapey sheath, it's J-to-the-izzle.
Is this also Amsale? Sweetie, no.
It's someone else.
And listen, about your career.
It may not feel this way, but I'm doing you a favor by not handing you a job.
You'll get there on your own, like I did, and it'll feel so good.
Now go try on this dress.
[ringing.]
Let me guess.
You need a kidney.
No, I'm just calling to say hi.
You'd think when you divorce someone, they might get the hint.
Actually, I do want something from you.
I knew it.
I'd like to take you to dinner.
You know, just as a thank-you for picking me up at the airport, keeping me hydrated, all that stuff.
So not necessary.
Think of it this way.
I could now teach a course on yak polio protocol.
Don't be difficult.
Just say yes.
[rock music.]
[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone".]
1-800-crypt-keeper.
How may I direct your call? Yes, hi, I'd like to be connected to your Alzheimer's department? Why did I divorce Graham again? Is this a trick question? I give up.
I seriously can't remember, and he's taking me out to dinner, and I need to be armed.
I can't backslide again.
Okay, you know I always liked Graham, but you two were a disaster together.
For one thing, he was always rude to your mom Well, she doesn't understand sarcasm.
Also, he's a know-it-all.
Yeah, but to be fair, I should read international news before skipping to the op-ed page.
And Graham was never around.
He was always off saving the world.
Is that it? Because at this point, the idea of being married to someone who's never around seems ideal.
No, there were other things too.
[buzzer sounds.]
I can hear you getting sucked in.
Hi.
Come on up.
And speaking of sucking, I asked Brooke for a photo assignment, and she told me she doesn't mix work with family.
Oh, you should know by now not to listen to me.
It's okay.
Humiliation is my jet fuel.
[doorbell rings.]
Oh, I got to go.
- My doorman's here.
- Knock him dead.
Okay, Carlton.
Give me a deep breath.
[exhales loudly.]
[exhales.]
Okay, perfect.
Now [sings a scale.]
[sings a scale.]
Now a big laugh.
[laughs.]
[laughing.]
Ah, there we go.
This is great.
There's the smile I was looking for.
There's a bubbly personality under that uniform.
[camera shutter clicks.]
This is great.
Okay, I think we have plenty for the union.
Aw, I was just starting to have fun.
Really? I mean, if you have a little extra time, I'm trying to build up my portfolio.
We could do a few more that are, like, looser, a little more "arty.
" Um [laughs.]
No, if not, no worries.
Umokay, sure.
Why not? - Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, great.
Let me just go get another lens.
I'll be right back.
Stand by.
[chuckles.]
It'll just be a second.
Normally I like to use a medium lens for a portrait.
Here we go.
This one will get me closer, so we can capture every single Detail.
Is is this okay? This is what you meant by "arty," right? Uh, sure.
[humming.]
Hi, is there anything I can help you with today? Yes, I was hoping you could help me with some anti-aging products.
Moisturizers, lotions, anything that promotes springy skin.
You know, shrinks pores, erases broken blood vessels.
Certainly.
If you'd like to sit down, I'd be happy to give you a personal consultation.
I beg your pardon.
My face is as soft as the inner thigh of a newborn.
It's my son that needs help.
He's approaching middle age with no vanity, fear, or regard for how it affects the rest of us.
Believe it or not, I see a lot of this.
I find that strangely comforting.
Terrific.
Smile, George.
Work it.
W-E-R-Q.
Flash those baby blues.
And great.
Head shot, three-quarter, profile.
That's a wrap, George.
[stammering.]
Oh, is that it? 'Cause I heard you asked Carlton to do all kinds of different shots.
I'm sorry, what? Yeah.
What's he got that I don't? Terrific, George.
Yes, awesome, George.
Secret! Ooh.
Yes, Michael.
Hello, bellman.
Dingdong.
Fragile.
Love those epaulets.
Give me the other epaulet.
And salute.
All right, Abe.
What's in the luggage? Blow that whistle.
Taxi! It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
There's my bags.
Make love to that lens.
Give it to me, Mark.
Yes.
Work it.
[jazzy music.]
[people conversing quietly.]
[rock music.]
You know, not to brag, but these doorman photos are really good.
That's great, honey.
Can I take this thing off now? No, your mother said Ah! "Dear friend.
" [laughs.]
Your "dear friend" said that you have to wear Georgia Louise for 20 minutes every day if you want to look like an embryo.
[phone chiming.]
Did Lex mention why they're so hell-bent - on taking us to dinner tonight? - Nope.
I bet you Brooke just wants to finish lecturing me on how to be a career gal.
And just because they're on their second honeymoon, why do we have to eat dinner in the middle of the night? This isn't Barthelona.
It's 9:45.
It's not the middle of the night.
- Let's get going.
- [grunts.]
[groans.]
Oh, babe, no.
Those jeans.
What, no jeans at this place? Well, maybe jeans at this place, but not dad jeans.
You look like a high school math teacher let loose at a buffet at Mohegan Sun.
I like these jeans.
They're comfortable! All right.
Calm down.
No, I won't calm down.
I am older than you.
I am older than Lex.
I'm older than my colleagues.
Some people might even think I'm older than my mother.
I don't care.
In fact, I am happier now than I was in my 20s and my 30s.
And you know what else? Brett Favre wears dad jeans.
[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone".]
Please take them off.
Hi.
I think I just remembered why I divorced Graham.
Now that Lex and I are renewing our vows, we want to bring some mystery and adventure into our marriage.
So we're eating dinner tonight in complete darkness.
- Huh? - What? It's supposed to heighten all other senses.
Good for your palate - and your libido, allegedly.
- Aww.
My senses were already heightened when I heard we were eating at 9:45.
Yeah, we're pretty tired too.
Haven't been sleeping much lately, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, we get it.
We get it.
You're having lots of sex 'cause you're young.
- That's what young people do.
- Yeah.
Hello, and welcome to Dinner in the Dark, a sensory adventure.
We'll be putting on your masks and lining you up as we review the dietary restrictions you sent us.
Masks? Seriously? No one asked us our dietary restrictions.
Don't worry.
We got you covered.
There's pretty much nothing you guys don't eat, right? - Actually - Um.
Great.
Now, for Mrs.
von Weber.
No dairy, no gluten, no meat, no oil, no vinegar, no starch, no sugar.
- Is that everything? - Sounds right.
And for Mr.
von Weber.
No soy, no bivalves, no grapefruit, no dill, no asparagus tips or bottoms Just the middle And American broccoli only.
I assume that means no Chinese broccoli - or broccoli rabe? - You got it.
Lead me to my dinner.
I am so, so sorry I'm late.
You have no idea the day I just had, but it doesn't matter.
I should've called.
I should've texted.
You can literally bite my entire head off.
I deserve it.
It's okay.
What? Why are you smiling? It's freaking me out.
It's fine, really.
Let's order.
No, it's not fine.
What's going on? Don't you want to bawl me out? No, that's the beauty of not being married anymore.
I love the clarity I have right now.
About what? About my lateness? 'Cause I know it's annoying, but it's It's not the reason we got divorced.
Obviously, but you know.
You were always on time for work, never missed a flight or surgery.
Then you'd come home, and you couldn't manage to be on time to meet me.
Just saying.
How about we get a bottle of wine? Each.
I'm not in the mood.
Okay, I'm getting the feeling that you want to just call it a night.
No.
Actually, I think I'm in the mood for a martini.
Dirty.
[tambourine rattling.]
I'm sorry, did someone just take me to the Lilith Fair? [tambourine rattling.]
We will engage all of your senses this evening, not just with the food but also with your environment.
Enjoy.
[all snap fingers.]
No bread.
How did she know there was bread? I'd like to propose a toast to the love of my life, - Brooke.
- Aww.
In your eyes, the light, the heat.
In your eyes, I am complete.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- A little something I wrote - Wow.
- Myself.
- Incredible.
- Cheers.
- Beautiful, honey.
Here is your first course.
Enjoy.
Mmm.
It's warm.
I would like to make my own toast.
Oh, sorry, I have to take out my Invisalign.
Sorry, it's so gross.
[muffled.]
I usually do this in private, but you guys can't see me, so who cares? Anyway, continue.
To Jill, who's been so determined to jump-start her career.
[egg shaker sounding.]
She even came to me She was nervous, I could tell To ask if Von Weber had any openings, and I imparted to her my philosophy about not mixing work and family.
I heard it the first time.
But as Joy Green would say [triangle rings.]
"Every wise rule has an even wiser exception," so I am offering you a job to oversee Von Weber's Instagram account.
Oh, well, that Honey, that's a - What? - Yeah.
I want to help you find your joy, Jill.
I see you struggling, and it pains me.
First of all, Brooke, I'm not "struggling.
" I'm actually working on a project right now that I'm very excited about.
This better not be asparagus tip.
Yes, so I'm gonna have to respectfully decline your generous offer.
Okay, well, I was just trying to help.
I won't make that mistake again.
That's definitely asparagus tip.
Gross.
I just thought it could be fun.
Really? Look, Brooke, the reason that I'm passing is honestly because of you.
Yeah, I'm getting that feeling - loud and clear.
- No, no, no.
That's not what I mean.
I'm saying, you decided you were gonna be a designer, and then you did it, and look at your company.
It's exploded.
Yeah, I have had a meteoric rise.
And I don't want to regret taking the safe route.
You never do, and I admire that.
Please enjoy your next course.
[stammering.]
We're all set.
Thanks.
Jill, thank you.
You're reminding me: I don't give myself enough credit.
[exclaiming.]
I taste a little something hairy in there.
That mm-mm.
That's I think that's dill.
Was dill not on my list? Did the list just go out the window? 'Cause that was dill.
[gags.]
Whatever I'm eating, it's delicious.
It's like a whole new sensation in my mouth.
What is this strange flavor - and texture? - [gagging.]
Should we be doing the Heimlich or something? No, I'm pretty sure if he can make a sound, he can breathe.
Uh-oh.
Lex? Lex? Lex.
Okay, I'm taking my mask off.
My brother has eaten dill.
Turn the lights up, please.
He's choking! [choking.]
Ready? [grunts.]
I'm fine! [clearing throat.]
I'm good.
Was I just eating bread crumbs? [vomiting.]
Oh, my God.
Can you try not to panic? But I think I lost my Invisalign.
Did you check the case? Yes, and my purse, and my pockets.
Oh, my God, what if I What if I ate it? There was a chewy course.
There was a very chewy course.
It was calamari, right? I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
I I think I ate my Invisalign.
I'm gonna kill myself! Did you check your mouth? [both laughing.]
Will you still love me if I only have a fraction of my marbles? I will love you even after I have forgotten who you are.
Well, just for that, - I'm taking 'em out again.
- Oh.
And you know what that means.
Va, va, voom.
But wait, there's more.
Well, I don't need more.
[both sigh.]
- Man.
- I mean, really.
Does that count as break-up sex if it's eleven years late? Sure, why not? [gasps.]
917-555-0176.
Yes! [upbeat rock music.]
What just happened? - Long story.
- Okay.
I'm not getting any younger.
Oh, hi, there.
I wanted to introduce you to my very sexy weighted vest to battle my geriatric bones.
Oho.
And you want to hear something that's really gonna turn you on? Mm-hmm.
It's covered by insurance.
Now, that's hot.
And I have a present for you.
[laughing.]
Oh, God, you weigh a ton.
It's weight-bearing exercise for both of us.
[laughing.]
You shake it, shake it, shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it Slo-mo! - Oh, yeah.
- Go, Dottie.
All: Go, Dottie.
Go, Dottie.
Go, Dottie.
Go, Dottie.
[cheering.]
All right, now cheer for Daddy, who's rockin' it at his new job.
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
- Go, Daddy.
- Go, Daddy.
- Go, Daddy.
Okay, Mommy's turn.
- Hold up.
- Mommy! Hey, mama.
Oh, mama.
- Here we go.
- Hazel, hat.
[all cheer.]
I like it Mama's turn.
Mama's turn.
Shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it for me You shake it, shake it, shake it for me [chair crashes.]
- Mommy? - Mommy! [screams.]
My f ing finger! - Mommy.
- Mommy, language! [rock music.]
Hey, yes, you know I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine Since this is your third broken bone in two years, I ordered a DEXA Scan, and I'm glad I did, because the results confirmed my hunch.
Which was? You have advanced osteopenia.
Is that am I gonna live? Yes, you'll live.
It just means that you have the bones of an 82-year-old.
- What? - Give or take a year.
How is that possible? What did I do wrong? Often, it's purely hereditary, but bone loss can be exacerbated by lack of exercise, excessive alcohol consumption, coffee, cola, alcohol.
You said that already.
[scanner beeps.]
Did you find everything you needed today? Uh, yeah.
Not in a global sense, but yeah.
Do you have a club card? Oh, man, I do, but not with me.
That's okay.
We can pull it up with your phone number.
Oh, great.
917 Uh, 917.
Sorry.
It's 917 What's wrong with me? I know this.
What is my phone number? I know your phone number.
Want me to tell you? No, don't.
I want to see how long it takes me to remember.
Do I have Alzheimer's? No.
Remember at the movies, when I couldn't remember what's-her-face's name, with the hair? From that show we used to love? Oh, yeah.
I love her.
What's her name again? I have no idea.
But you keep changing the subject.
From what? I can't remember.
Graham.
Oh, yeah.
It's fine.
We kissed for a second, and then I came back to my senses, and now he's staying with a cousin.
Okay, good riddance.
See ya never, Graham.
Sorry I'm talking like Cindy Brady.
I just put in a new Invisalign.
Oh, I couldn't tell.
I forgot you and Hazel are doing that whole mother-daughter teeth straightening thing.
You guys are so cute.
Yeah, well, when your ten-year-old tells you that you have "granny teeth," you have to take action.
What is wrong with us? Everyone's always saying things like, "60 is the new 40.
" Oh, no.
That's bullshit.
40 is the new 70.
70? Okay, you wish.
Ooh, I like that bag.
Yeah, I think it's a Von Weber.
Oh, my God.
That's one of Brooke's bags? [stammers.]
- Sorry.
- That's not funny.
I just liked something that Brooke designed.
It was like a blind taste test that I failed.
It's a cute bag.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
No, if she's designing something that's actually good, I can't make fun of her.
Her career is en fuego, and I'm shooting doorman head shots for free.
No, you just need to work on your hustle.
Have you ever pitched yourself to Brooke? Ugh, no.
First of all, you can't mix work and family.
That's inevitable disaster, and second, she knows what I do.
She could've hired me if she wanted to.
Well, you don't ask, you don't get.
You're 82.
What are you gonna do, wait until you're 90 to get your career in gear? Ow.
Elder abuse.
That was delicious, guys.
Thanks again.
Hello, Anderson.
Hey, what are you doing here? Hi.
I'm meeting Celia for our standing lunch date.
And who have we here? These are the wunderkinds I was telling you about: Chad and Omar, from my new job.
Yes.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Is the rest of the company this handsome? [laughs.]
This is my mother, Mrs.
von Weber.
Oh, so we have you to thank for bringing Andy into the world.
[both laugh.]
Anderson, may I have a word? Sure, I'll see you guys back at the office.
Nice meeting you.
Yes.
How dare you embarrass me that way? What? What did I say? You know goddamn well what you said.
You introduced me as your mother.
Are you not my mother? Must I spell everything out for you? You are a middle-aged man now, so think about how that impacts me.
You? Yes.
You are so self-involved.
Until further notice, I would prefer that you introduce me as your dear friend.
Your table is ready, Mrs.
von Weber.
So, wow, this is like a real wedding dress.
But do you think it's solemn enough for the occasion? Well, I mean, given that it's just a vows renewal, I "Just a vows renewal?" Jill, this is much more meaningful than a wedding.
Lex and I have been to darker places than you could ever understand.
Anyway.
Shifting gears, I just wanted to remind you that I'm still pluggin' away at ye old photography biz, just in case, you know, you Yes? Well, I mean, no pressure, but if you ever need a photographer for anything Oh, you're asking me for a job.
Jill, I say this with love.
I believe mixing work and family is never wise.
Yeah, I have heard that said.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
I just know so much more now, and I want to share my wisdom with you.
Janice, how's it going in there? You tell me.
- What do you think? - Oh, my God.
Beyond love.
Jill, this is my bridesmaids' dress.
Isn't it heaven? Yeah.
I mean, it might be a little slinky for me.
[laughing.]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This is for the other girls.
They're by Amsale.
I have something much more age-appropriate for you.
Janice here definitely has the booty for it.
Seriously, it runs in my family.
Yeah.
Well, that was easy.
Yeah.
Isn't that color the best for her skin tone? She's so Lupita Nyong'o.
I don't see that.
Tara, the gown.
Here is your matron of honor gown.
Bring it in.
Thank you.
Holy shit.
I know.
Gorgeous, right? I thought if anyone can pull off a drapey sheath, it's J-to-the-izzle.
Is this also Amsale? Sweetie, no.
It's someone else.
And listen, about your career.
It may not feel this way, but I'm doing you a favor by not handing you a job.
You'll get there on your own, like I did, and it'll feel so good.
Now go try on this dress.
[ringing.]
Let me guess.
You need a kidney.
No, I'm just calling to say hi.
You'd think when you divorce someone, they might get the hint.
Actually, I do want something from you.
I knew it.
I'd like to take you to dinner.
You know, just as a thank-you for picking me up at the airport, keeping me hydrated, all that stuff.
So not necessary.
Think of it this way.
I could now teach a course on yak polio protocol.
Don't be difficult.
Just say yes.
[rock music.]
[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone".]
1-800-crypt-keeper.
How may I direct your call? Yes, hi, I'd like to be connected to your Alzheimer's department? Why did I divorce Graham again? Is this a trick question? I give up.
I seriously can't remember, and he's taking me out to dinner, and I need to be armed.
I can't backslide again.
Okay, you know I always liked Graham, but you two were a disaster together.
For one thing, he was always rude to your mom Well, she doesn't understand sarcasm.
Also, he's a know-it-all.
Yeah, but to be fair, I should read international news before skipping to the op-ed page.
And Graham was never around.
He was always off saving the world.
Is that it? Because at this point, the idea of being married to someone who's never around seems ideal.
No, there were other things too.
[buzzer sounds.]
I can hear you getting sucked in.
Hi.
Come on up.
And speaking of sucking, I asked Brooke for a photo assignment, and she told me she doesn't mix work with family.
Oh, you should know by now not to listen to me.
It's okay.
Humiliation is my jet fuel.
[doorbell rings.]
Oh, I got to go.
- My doorman's here.
- Knock him dead.
Okay, Carlton.
Give me a deep breath.
[exhales loudly.]
[exhales.]
Okay, perfect.
Now [sings a scale.]
[sings a scale.]
Now a big laugh.
[laughs.]
[laughing.]
Ah, there we go.
This is great.
There's the smile I was looking for.
There's a bubbly personality under that uniform.
[camera shutter clicks.]
This is great.
Okay, I think we have plenty for the union.
Aw, I was just starting to have fun.
Really? I mean, if you have a little extra time, I'm trying to build up my portfolio.
We could do a few more that are, like, looser, a little more "arty.
" Um [laughs.]
No, if not, no worries.
Umokay, sure.
Why not? - Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, great.
Let me just go get another lens.
I'll be right back.
Stand by.
[chuckles.]
It'll just be a second.
Normally I like to use a medium lens for a portrait.
Here we go.
This one will get me closer, so we can capture every single Detail.
Is is this okay? This is what you meant by "arty," right? Uh, sure.
[humming.]
Hi, is there anything I can help you with today? Yes, I was hoping you could help me with some anti-aging products.
Moisturizers, lotions, anything that promotes springy skin.
You know, shrinks pores, erases broken blood vessels.
Certainly.
If you'd like to sit down, I'd be happy to give you a personal consultation.
I beg your pardon.
My face is as soft as the inner thigh of a newborn.
It's my son that needs help.
He's approaching middle age with no vanity, fear, or regard for how it affects the rest of us.
Believe it or not, I see a lot of this.
I find that strangely comforting.
Terrific.
Smile, George.
Work it.
W-E-R-Q.
Flash those baby blues.
And great.
Head shot, three-quarter, profile.
That's a wrap, George.
[stammering.]
Oh, is that it? 'Cause I heard you asked Carlton to do all kinds of different shots.
I'm sorry, what? Yeah.
What's he got that I don't? Terrific, George.
Yes, awesome, George.
Secret! Ooh.
Yes, Michael.
Hello, bellman.
Dingdong.
Fragile.
Love those epaulets.
Give me the other epaulet.
And salute.
All right, Abe.
What's in the luggage? Blow that whistle.
Taxi! It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
There's my bags.
Make love to that lens.
Give it to me, Mark.
Yes.
Work it.
[jazzy music.]
[people conversing quietly.]
[rock music.]
You know, not to brag, but these doorman photos are really good.
That's great, honey.
Can I take this thing off now? No, your mother said Ah! "Dear friend.
" [laughs.]
Your "dear friend" said that you have to wear Georgia Louise for 20 minutes every day if you want to look like an embryo.
[phone chiming.]
Did Lex mention why they're so hell-bent - on taking us to dinner tonight? - Nope.
I bet you Brooke just wants to finish lecturing me on how to be a career gal.
And just because they're on their second honeymoon, why do we have to eat dinner in the middle of the night? This isn't Barthelona.
It's 9:45.
It's not the middle of the night.
- Let's get going.
- [grunts.]
[groans.]
Oh, babe, no.
Those jeans.
What, no jeans at this place? Well, maybe jeans at this place, but not dad jeans.
You look like a high school math teacher let loose at a buffet at Mohegan Sun.
I like these jeans.
They're comfortable! All right.
Calm down.
No, I won't calm down.
I am older than you.
I am older than Lex.
I'm older than my colleagues.
Some people might even think I'm older than my mother.
I don't care.
In fact, I am happier now than I was in my 20s and my 30s.
And you know what else? Brett Favre wears dad jeans.
[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone".]
Please take them off.
Hi.
I think I just remembered why I divorced Graham.
Now that Lex and I are renewing our vows, we want to bring some mystery and adventure into our marriage.
So we're eating dinner tonight in complete darkness.
- Huh? - What? It's supposed to heighten all other senses.
Good for your palate - and your libido, allegedly.
- Aww.
My senses were already heightened when I heard we were eating at 9:45.
Yeah, we're pretty tired too.
Haven't been sleeping much lately, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, we get it.
We get it.
You're having lots of sex 'cause you're young.
- That's what young people do.
- Yeah.
Hello, and welcome to Dinner in the Dark, a sensory adventure.
We'll be putting on your masks and lining you up as we review the dietary restrictions you sent us.
Masks? Seriously? No one asked us our dietary restrictions.
Don't worry.
We got you covered.
There's pretty much nothing you guys don't eat, right? - Actually - Um.
Great.
Now, for Mrs.
von Weber.
No dairy, no gluten, no meat, no oil, no vinegar, no starch, no sugar.
- Is that everything? - Sounds right.
And for Mr.
von Weber.
No soy, no bivalves, no grapefruit, no dill, no asparagus tips or bottoms Just the middle And American broccoli only.
I assume that means no Chinese broccoli - or broccoli rabe? - You got it.
Lead me to my dinner.
I am so, so sorry I'm late.
You have no idea the day I just had, but it doesn't matter.
I should've called.
I should've texted.
You can literally bite my entire head off.
I deserve it.
It's okay.
What? Why are you smiling? It's freaking me out.
It's fine, really.
Let's order.
No, it's not fine.
What's going on? Don't you want to bawl me out? No, that's the beauty of not being married anymore.
I love the clarity I have right now.
About what? About my lateness? 'Cause I know it's annoying, but it's It's not the reason we got divorced.
Obviously, but you know.
You were always on time for work, never missed a flight or surgery.
Then you'd come home, and you couldn't manage to be on time to meet me.
Just saying.
How about we get a bottle of wine? Each.
I'm not in the mood.
Okay, I'm getting the feeling that you want to just call it a night.
No.
Actually, I think I'm in the mood for a martini.
Dirty.
[tambourine rattling.]
I'm sorry, did someone just take me to the Lilith Fair? [tambourine rattling.]
We will engage all of your senses this evening, not just with the food but also with your environment.
Enjoy.
[all snap fingers.]
No bread.
How did she know there was bread? I'd like to propose a toast to the love of my life, - Brooke.
- Aww.
In your eyes, the light, the heat.
In your eyes, I am complete.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- A little something I wrote - Wow.
- Myself.
- Incredible.
- Cheers.
- Beautiful, honey.
Here is your first course.
Enjoy.
Mmm.
It's warm.
I would like to make my own toast.
Oh, sorry, I have to take out my Invisalign.
Sorry, it's so gross.
[muffled.]
I usually do this in private, but you guys can't see me, so who cares? Anyway, continue.
To Jill, who's been so determined to jump-start her career.
[egg shaker sounding.]
She even came to me She was nervous, I could tell To ask if Von Weber had any openings, and I imparted to her my philosophy about not mixing work and family.
I heard it the first time.
But as Joy Green would say [triangle rings.]
"Every wise rule has an even wiser exception," so I am offering you a job to oversee Von Weber's Instagram account.
Oh, well, that Honey, that's a - What? - Yeah.
I want to help you find your joy, Jill.
I see you struggling, and it pains me.
First of all, Brooke, I'm not "struggling.
" I'm actually working on a project right now that I'm very excited about.
This better not be asparagus tip.
Yes, so I'm gonna have to respectfully decline your generous offer.
Okay, well, I was just trying to help.
I won't make that mistake again.
That's definitely asparagus tip.
Gross.
I just thought it could be fun.
Really? Look, Brooke, the reason that I'm passing is honestly because of you.
Yeah, I'm getting that feeling - loud and clear.
- No, no, no.
That's not what I mean.
I'm saying, you decided you were gonna be a designer, and then you did it, and look at your company.
It's exploded.
Yeah, I have had a meteoric rise.
And I don't want to regret taking the safe route.
You never do, and I admire that.
Please enjoy your next course.
[stammering.]
We're all set.
Thanks.
Jill, thank you.
You're reminding me: I don't give myself enough credit.
[exclaiming.]
I taste a little something hairy in there.
That mm-mm.
That's I think that's dill.
Was dill not on my list? Did the list just go out the window? 'Cause that was dill.
[gags.]
Whatever I'm eating, it's delicious.
It's like a whole new sensation in my mouth.
What is this strange flavor - and texture? - [gagging.]
Should we be doing the Heimlich or something? No, I'm pretty sure if he can make a sound, he can breathe.
Uh-oh.
Lex? Lex? Lex.
Okay, I'm taking my mask off.
My brother has eaten dill.
Turn the lights up, please.
He's choking! [choking.]
Ready? [grunts.]
I'm fine! [clearing throat.]
I'm good.
Was I just eating bread crumbs? [vomiting.]
Oh, my God.
Can you try not to panic? But I think I lost my Invisalign.
Did you check the case? Yes, and my purse, and my pockets.
Oh, my God, what if I What if I ate it? There was a chewy course.
There was a very chewy course.
It was calamari, right? I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
I I think I ate my Invisalign.
I'm gonna kill myself! Did you check your mouth? [both laughing.]
Will you still love me if I only have a fraction of my marbles? I will love you even after I have forgotten who you are.
Well, just for that, - I'm taking 'em out again.
- Oh.
And you know what that means.
Va, va, voom.
But wait, there's more.
Well, I don't need more.
[both sigh.]
- Man.
- I mean, really.
Does that count as break-up sex if it's eleven years late? Sure, why not? [gasps.]
917-555-0176.
Yes! [upbeat rock music.]
What just happened? - Long story.
- Okay.
I'm not getting any younger.
Oh, hi, there.
I wanted to introduce you to my very sexy weighted vest to battle my geriatric bones.
Oho.
And you want to hear something that's really gonna turn you on? Mm-hmm.
It's covered by insurance.
Now, that's hot.
And I have a present for you.
[laughing.]
Oh, God, you weigh a ton.
It's weight-bearing exercise for both of us.
[laughing.]