Once and Again (1999) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Pilot All I ever wanted, I think, was to be safe.
Oh, no.
- Are you up? - I'm up.
- Are you up? - I'm up.
- Are you really up? - I'm up.
That's the funny thing because I neven chose the safe thing.
I would try and somehow it would always end up being unsafe.
Come on, Zoe.
What is that on your stomach? Oh, my goodness.
Come on, get out of bed.
No, tickle me more.
I'll tickle you right out of this bed.
My marriage was supposed to be safe until Jake got other ideas.
You take it! No, you take it! Am I happier now? I don't know.
Ask me in another three years.
I have to go to Mom's.
I forgot my history notes.
Right now I guess I always had a map for my life, you know? Where I was supposed to be headed, and and now it's like I've walked off it entirely.
It's weird.
You'll be there tomorrow at 4:00? I'll be there.
By the time you get divorced there's almost some relief in accepting that you've failed.
You're worthless you've destroyed your kids' lives and yet, there they are, they still need you.
You have to move on.
It's not fair.
They don't even know me.
So, here I am.
Only I don't know where here is.
I was supposed to be a happy homemaker.
I was supposed to be angry that I was a happy homemaker.
I saw the whole picture.
I wasn't doing enough with my life and secretly I'm happy that I'm not doing enough because I'm safe and look at me.
Other people seem safe.
I look at their faces and I know that that was once my face.
But I don't do that.
I don't do anything.
I want to go back there.
This has been going on for two weeks now.
If I can go to school one day and not do that.
This is the way they make me feel and I'm not overexaggerating This isn't making any sense.
- They're having this party.
- At Beth's house.
Are her parents there? Her parents aren't there even when they're there.
The point is, they have these parties, and stuff happens.
No, they don't do drugs.
You know, it's just people pairing off whatever.
- What do you mean, whatever? - Whatever.
They make out.
They make out? - No, forget about it.
- I want to hear this.
I made out when I was 14.
Your mom waited till she was married.
Look, I can't talk about this.
Honey, what's the matter? I'm gonna feel stupid, that's all.
Zoe, feet off the table, honey.
I'm just gonna be sitting alone by myself, and that's stupid.
You are not gonna be sitting alone.
What am I saying? Mom, please, who's gonna make out with me? Honey, what are you talking about? I can't deal with this.
She's in total denial.
Look at me.
No one will make out with me, and that is a fact and I just wish you would accept it.
Simon Jacobs asked me to make out with him.
Shut up! This is not your discussion! Excuse me for living.
Zoe, we'll get to you in a second.
Gracie, you are so wrong about how you look.
I don't even know what to say.
Dad understands.
What did he say? At least he doesn't act like I'm crazy.
He said that if I wanted to go on a diet I should go on a diet.
Your father told you to go on a diet? No, he didn't tell me to go on a diet.
God, look at this thing.
It's disgusting.
I'm changing.
Wait a minute.
Is your soccer a home game tomorrow? - Daddy's coming.
- He is? He told me last week.
If her mother started dating she'd have a better opinion of herself.
Thank you, Judy.
Jake, did you tell Gracie to go on a diet? That's what she said.
Look, I think it's very destructive and you and I need to talk about these th Can we discuss this tomorrow at the soccer game? The soccer game.
Apparently, you told her you were coming.
Jake, come, or tell her you're not coming.
I don't want to be in the middle of this again.
Please? Goodbye.
No idea there was a game.
He's a very busy man.
Orgies, weekends in Vegas.
Keep going! Go! Push it up! Push the ball! Come on, Grace! Move it, move it! That's it! Keep going! Get the ball! Get the ball! Did you hit it? How's your ankle? You think you can get up? Yes.
Calm down, honey, we're gonna lay you down and put ice on it.
I'll call the doctor and see if we need an X-ray.
Mom, I don't need an X-ray.
Where's Daddy? He said he'd be here.
Sit down.
Is there a place she can lie down? - I don't need to lie down.
- Let me see.
Is it your ankle? Yeah, she got hit by two girls.
The important thing is to get it elevated, get some ice on it keep the swelling down, even if it isn't broken.
Does it hurt over here? On the outside? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Can you do this? Can you move it like that? That's good.
Are you a doctor? No, no.
I've just done this a million times to myself.
We can take her right back here.
- Thank you.
- Mom, I'm OK.
Don't listen to the doctors.
She'll walk again.
Oh, my kids are not big on stoicism, I'm afraid.
A useless virtue.
Yeah.
Of course I never really had it either, to be honest.
I'm gonna shoot some hoops till Mom comes.
Well, that one could use a bit less.
- Stoicism.
- Oh.
We just found out he's failing two subjects and he forgot to tell us.
You and your wife must've been thrilled about that.
Ex-wife.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, no.
She blames it on the divorce, actually.
She blames global warming on the divorce.
Maybe she's right.
What happened? Is she all right? She just sprained her ankle.
Where is she? Gracie?! Grace?! Grace? Daddy.
Oh, sweetie, look at you.
It was so horrible.
These two girls Your daughter and your husband look like each other.
Ex-husband, sort of.
You know, Eli, that this kind of reading problem is so common, and you've really made such progress.
I'm looking at your latest grades as just a little setback, that's all.
Yeah, I guess I just get distracted you know what I mean? What's your custody arrangement? - Well - We We're not doctrinaire about it.
Basically, Rick has the kids on the weekends and usually one night a week and I have them the rest of the time.
And you stay on top of his homework know what he's studying in school? I try to, yeah.
It's not always easy but he and I communicate really well.
On most subjects.
No.
We really understand each other.
He and I have our own bond.
Rick's very involved with Eli, and that's great.
It's just easy for things to slip by, that's all.
Not the important things.
Sometimes even the important things.
The question is really for Eli.
Are you willing to put the distractions aside and do the work necessary to beat this problem? I just hope it doesn't mean I have to give up sports.
I don't think we're talking about giving up sports.
I think whatever it takes, we have to do it.
Eli, it's not your job to see the big picture but your parents have to.
I think it's a little too early to know what he'll have to give up.
If things go really well, maybe it'll be nothing.
- Thanks for setting the table.
- You're welcome.
- Where's your brother? - He's upstairs with Jennifer.
They're having sex in his room.
- Stop that.
Who's Jennifer? - His girlfriend.
What happened to Megan? Eli! You didn't get vegetables? I told you I'm a vegetarian.
Meat is good for you.
Set the table.
Get the silverware.
Dad, this is Jennifer.
Hi, Rick.
Eli's told me a lot about you.
- Really? Did he say I'm mean? - Totally.
Did he say he had work to do tonight? - I did my work.
- He really did.
He was amazing.
He's so smart.
I love your apartment, by the way.
Thank you.
We're still trying to get him to unpack the boxes.
It's only been three years.
I never said I was a homemaker.
- You stole my Pearl Jam.
- I did not.
- Then what is in here? - Nothing.
Exactly.
Come here.
- Come here.
- Stop.
- Hey, E.
- Yes.
That girl who was hurt on the soccer field today, she OK? Grace Manning.
Yeah, she's OK.
She was faking.
I like Grace Manning.
Where is that ridiculous roster of yours? Who are you calling? It's for the parents association.
You going out with the mom? She's really hot.
- What are you talking about? - What mom? Are you going out with Grace's mom? Cool.
I am not going out with Grace's mom.
No.
I'm calling to find out if the girl if Grace's girl if Grace, the girl, is OK.
All right.
Dad.
I'm just calling to see if the girl's OK.
Omaha's the capital of North Dakota.
Isn't Omaha the capital of North Dakota? I think you should go.
I really think I should stay.
Go back.
Ohio.
No better: New Jersey.
Hello? Is this Elizabeth? - Lily, yes.
- Oh, sorry, this is This is Rick Sammler.
I was in the office today at school.
Oh, yeah.
Hi.
I didn't want him to call.
Well, I I I was just wondering I thought about him all afternoon.
I wasn't ready.
Period.
Not ready.
I just wanted to know if your daughter was OK.
That's so nice.
Yeah, she's fine.
Who's that? No permanent damage or anything like that? No.
She's really just fine.
I was, uh - I'll sue them! - Is Grace in trouble? I was just wondering if if it wouldn't be strange for you if I could if I was to Mom, who is that? buy you a cup of coffee Is it Coach? Lil, if that's the school, I want to talk to them.
Or dinner? Mom, who is it? Would that be weird being parents in the same school? Yeah.
Thanks.
If there is any, we'll call.
Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
I'm not in trouble, am l? I didn't really date much in high school.
Too afraid of rejection.
- That's not my normal place.
- You're not hungry? No.
I'm just watching my calories.
Hello? I'm so sorry.
You just have no idea what was going on when you called? Oh, that's that's OK.
I would love to have, um Dinner? Dinner.
Yeah.
OK.
What is your schedule like? Well, it's.
Uh it's pretty open right now.
And she has kids.
The bathroom has no window if you put it there.
Shear wall.
You know what happens to women when they have kids? You can put it over here and still grab the outflow.
They become sexually conservative.
You are so full of crap.
Give me the ruler.
I'm moving the bathroom.
No.
I'm telling you, that's what happens.
They have kids, they have to be grownups and they forget about the wild times they used to have.
Mothers are better sexually, fool.
You've never even gone out with a mother.
Why would I go out with a mother? It took me 20 years to get away from my own.
When do you think you'll sleep with him? - My mother has a date tonight.
- Oh, God.
My mom dates like six times a week.
- They're all fat and gross.
- You meet them? She makes a whole fetish out of it.
Why can't they keep their private lives private without dragging innocent bystanders into it? How do you know Sammler? - I don't.
- All right, Grace.
Oh, I wasn't gonna go.
I was gonna cancel.
Well, why can't you take the cell phone? I'm not gonna have a cell phone sitting on the table.
Why not? I don't think it's fair that I have to look after her.
You don't mind when I go out with my sister.
- Are you wearing that skirt? - What's wrong with it? I do mind when you go out with Judy.
I have anxiety attacks when we're alone here.
Honey, how come you never told me that? I think armed robbers are gonna come in and they're gonna start to terrorize us.
Oh, honey, armed robbers are not coming.
- You know that for sure? - Gracie, sweetie I'm just going out on a date.
I'm not getting remarried.
You better not get remarried.
She can't get remarried.
She's not divorced yet.
Thank you very much.
I think I should go out on dates before you do.
- Who's stopping you? - Nobody's asking me.
All right.
Look.
Mommy is really nervous.
Mommy's going out of her mind, OK? I haven't done this in a very long time.
Could I have a little support from my kids, please? - Mom.
- Mom.
Just don't have sex with him tonight, OK? My mother always said that I was a very good baby.
I never cried, and I never fussed and I was a really nice girl, you know? The kids.
I see you and I raise you.
How badly did they torture you? Uh pretty bad.
How about you? They're used to it by now.
They just asked me if you were older than 25 or not.
So is that how old most of your dates are? The worst thing is when you get good at dating like it's an art form instead of something real happening.
I have one sister, Judy.
You say the same thing about yourself 30 times and eventually it feels like a lie even if it's the truth.
Two brothers, also younger both still in Kansas.
My sister always fought with my parents and I was the peacemaker.
Just give me a second.
You go ahead.
And I don't mind that, really, I just Could I get that without the dressing? Or just with a different dressing like olive oil or lemon on the side.
I just mind That's great for everybody else.
Sometimes I listen to myself and I sound so incredibly boring.
I was just thinking that.
No.
What's wrong with liking what you like? I don't know.
When I was younger I just ate what was put in front of me and maybe I was happier.
I don't know where I fit in my own life anymore.
And I think I'm scared.
And he's yelling.
"Don't push yet.
" "I've got to change the battery.
" And the doctor's ready to kill him.
Did you push? No.
They start to get into a fight and I'm yelling "Excuse me.
I'm having a baby here!" Don't do it! Don't do it! And I'm basically spending the whole dinner trying not to kiss her.
You know, my wife called them in and Jessie was eight.
Eli was thirteen.
Yeah, and we told them.
And I had this funny feeling that what I was doing telling my children that we were separating was somehow physically going to harm them.
As if I were going to take a baseball bat and have a good, solid whack at both of their heads.
You know, they'd recover but they'd never forget what their father had done.
You can't stay married if you're miserable.
Yeah, you can.
People do.
But if you're not you have to accept the real consequences.
Think carrying all this guilt around helps them? You got me.
Don't worry, I'm not like this most of the time.
Most of the time, I'm happy I'm out.
This was I haven't been out in a while, and this was really I was just surprised because you're really, uh I swore I wouldn't do this.
Why are you so soft? I have to go home.
I know.
- I'm going.
- OK.
Bye.
This is very weird, you know that? I'm a really weird person.
No, I am.
Then we're well-matched.
I'm going now.
I'm really going.
Nice meeting you.
Hey! Zoe, what are you doing up? Where were you? Why didn't you keep your cell phone on? I had that cell phone right next to me the whole time.
Why didn't you pick it up? It didn't ring.
What is the matter? God, I just got really scared, that's all.
I heard noises outside, and I tried to call you and I just got really freaked out.
I'm sorry.
It must have been a bad reception area.
- I'm sorry.
- OK.
Did you have a good time? Yeah.
It was OK.
You gonna marry this guy? Gracie, I just met him.
So you really like him? No, I just met him.
I don't know what I think.
It takes time to know how you feel.
You don't meet somebody and go.
"Oh, he's the one.
" I mean, that's something somebody your age would do.
Somebody my age would think about it and try to be grown-up about the situation.
I don't want you to marry anybody but Daddy.
Honey, I am not marrying anybody including Daddy.
Let's get you upstairs, get you to bed.
You should come, too, sweetie.
I know.
- Bye.
- Bye, ZZ.
He asked if you'd be there, and I said, "No.
" "I'm not gonna answer a question like that.
" - I'm not gonna be there.
- Oh, Grace.
- How you doing? - Fine.
You hear about Abel's party on Saturday night? Yeah, kind of.
You should come.
I'll introduce you to people.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
What was that? I have no idea.
Oh, my gosh.
Eli Sammler.
Oh, my gosh! - I can't believe you kissed him.
- Will you stop it? Was it just a kiss, or you made out with him, right? I'm trying to work.
Where'd he touch you? Did he take your clothes off? - Did you take his clothes off? - Gonna see him again? Stop! I'm never gonna see him again.
He has his kids on the nights when I don't have mine.
It took us 10 minutes to figure out a night.
Lily, honey, Grace isn't six anymore.
You can go out any night you want.
She has terrible anxiety when I go out.
It's a really difficult time for her.
She's trying to figure out where she fits in this whole grand scheme of boys and here I am starting to date? It's not fair to her.
Then get a sitter for her.
She gets insulted if I get a sitter.
Lily! Who runs your house anyway? You want to sit here like a nun till she gets over it? Yes.
Listen, it hasn't even been eight months since Jake and I separated.
If my daughter needs time to get used to it, I'm gonna give it to her.
And have no life in the meantime.
That's a great example to set.
Why don't you get Jake to take them that night? He won't take them so I can have a date.
He doesn't have to know why he's taking them.
Just call him and say you want him to take them.
- And not tell him why? - Tell him it's private.
Then he wouldn't stop asking.
Hi, it's me.
Can you take the girls Thursday night? Yeah, to stay over.
Because I need you to.
Because I would like you to do it.
Oh, OK.
He said OK.
So you're seeing that mom again? Huh? Yeah, actually, she called and we're gonna see each other tomorrow night.
So cool.
Dad.
So, E, we're gonna start this thing together and then you're gonna finish it and we'll go over it in the morning, OK? What do you think of Jennifer, by the way? - She's great.
- Isn't she nice? I never met a girl who was just so nice.
And her body was amazing.
Did you see how you could wrap your hands around her waist? No, I didn't exactly see that.
I guess I've always been looking for somebody who liked me for me.
Not for all the school stuff, the team and all somebody who would understand when other stuff happened.
What are you saying in English? Somebody who wouldn't look down on me because of my tutoring and stuff.
Nobody is gonna look down on you.
They will if they think I'm stupid.
E, how can you even think that about yourself? Don't worry, I just need to check the score.
You don't need to check the score.
One minute? Literally.
See, there's Colzy there.
He turned the wrong way.
Gillespie has the ball One minute and then it's off.
Get the book.
OK.
Where's the book? Get the book? On the defense.
Number 23.
What is he, an idiot? That wasn't interference.
But Steve Spurrier's team World War II.
OK.
I'm an expert on this.
Convoy, 1940.
This is very cool.
Read.
For Tampa Bay, their defense is strong.
"Through the spring of 1940" "the situation in Great Britain was critical.
" "Supplies of food and medicine" "were gaining use through" Yes! Yes! Yes! Call that interference.
When he said, "We should go bowling" I thought, "That's the end of this relationship.
" This is like high school.
I have to pee so bad.
You just went in the restaurant.
I always have to pee.
It's something you should know about me.
I'm not ready to let you go home yet.
OK.
And I don't want to be in public anymore.
Why not? I'd ask you back to my house I can't come to your house.
But you'd say no.
We could go to your house.
Ah, but your kids are there.
My kids aren't there, actually but we can't go back to my house.
Why not? Because, Rick, this is our second date.
When I was in college, yeah, but I'm not ready.
I'm sorry.
I haven't slept with someone who wasn't Jake in I'm not talking about sleeping together.
- Come on.
- No.
What, are you kidding? You just got separated.
I know you won't sleep with me on the second date.
What makes you think I don't want to get it over with? Do you? - No.
- Oh.
- You would sleep with me? - Probably.
You'd have to twist my arm.
I'd be nervous, of course, but No, I'm not suggesting that we sleep together.
Then why do you want to go back to my house? To do other things besides sleep together.
Which means we would end up sleeping together.
No, it doesn't.
If we decide not to sleep together then we won't sleep together.
You would go to my house and do other things and not Have intercourse.
Absolutely.
That's easy.
I'm a man of my word.
Your daughter goes to - Oak Cove.
- That's right.
I thought another man's body would feel strange and it did, but I was, um I was more amazed by my body.
I wanted him so much.
Grace is the one who should be in trouble.
I didn't do anything.
It was her.
I'm not gonna be in trouble.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
- I didn't Mom? - Excuse me? What are you guys doing here? - What are you doing here? - I can You were supposed to take them.
Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this.
Honey, it's OK.
Just calm down.
Mommy, who's he? What's his name? Who is he? - Gracie, it's OK.
- No, it's not! - Hi.
- How are ya? - Daddy, do you know him? - It doesn't matter.
Zoe, honey, it's just a friend of Mommy's.
We'll talk about this, girls, in a minute.
Gracie! It's not that big of a deal.
This is the coach! Honey, you and I will talk about this in a minute.
I can't believe this.
Oh, no! Mommy, you missed a button.
Well, he's not bad looking.
I asked you to take them.
Why did you bring them back? Because Grace asked me.
She left her books here.
I called.
There was nobody home.
She said she'd rather do the work over here.
Look, I'm sorry.
Come on.
We didn't realize you'd be having a party.
She has anxiety attacks when she and Zoe are alone, Jake.
What do you mean, "anxiety attacks"? She wouldn't have wanted to be here alone.
Excuse me, but that's what she told me.
Now, I had a meeting to go to so she said, "Just drop me off at home.
" - What? - A meeting at 10:00? I don't ask you your business.
Don't ask me mine.
Who is she this time? She have really big tits? No, no! You sent them to me because you didn't want to deal with them, so don't start that with me.
When's the last time I sent them to you? When's the last time I've asked you to do anything? I asked you to take the girls just for one night.
Grace is totally afraid of being alone right now.
She wanted to come here because she'd rather be alone here I'm supposed to know that if she doesn't tell me? If you listened to her, if you cared about her as much as your precious sex life, you'd know it.
Come on.
No, I just don't bring it out of her.
Maybe maybe you're so neurotic that she feels like she has to copy you.
With your stomach aches and your headaches and everything that's wrong in your life.
"Oh, I can't bear it! I'm so scared!" I made your life a living hell.
I made you screw those 22-year-olds! I forced you into it! All right, yes, is that what you want to hear? All right, then yes.
Yes! Shut up.
I think you should leave.
Now, Jake.
Because I need to talk to Grace and I think it would be best if you weren't here.
Well, uh she's fine when she's with me, you know.
So maybe it's you.
Maybe you should think about that.
Get out.
Good night, Lily.
Night, kids! Why didn't you tell me he was connected to my school? I was going to.
I just I was trying to figure out what I was doing first that's all.
I'm sorry, honey.
That man's son talked to me in school in front of my friends.
He's a junior.
We all thought he liked me.
Because why else would he talk to me? Oh, God.
Now I find out why.
Now I find out that I have to deal with him because he could be my step-brother.
Not likely after tonight.
You think so? - Sorry.
- Hi.
- How'd it go? - Disastrously.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
Listen, I don't know that I can do this.
What do you mean? I think it's too soon.
I think that Grace is not ready for it.
I'm not ready for it.
I was married for 16 years.
It hasn't even been eight months since I'm separated.
To plunge into something now would You don't want to be with somebody on the rebound.
- Is that what this is? - I don't know.
No, I I mean, I'd like to say, "Oh, I met this guy" "and we can hang out, take our time" "see what happens.
" But I'm just too raw for that.
You don't know me.
I'm really high-strung.
I don't think it's fair to put that on you right now.
I don't think you should speculate on what's fair to me.
You're right.
It's not fair to me.
I have to be where I am even if I don't like it.
When you got separated, did you start going out right away? Yeah.
Maybe we're different.
Maybe men and women are different.
I'm just asking you to respect what I'm saying and to know that it's not you.
I just think the timing's off.
Can you accept that? Do you understand that what happened between us doesn't happen that often? I know.
And you would walk away from it? Totally naked, and she says "I'm sort of an exhibitionist.
Does that bother you?" I mean, twice.
Twice in one week I got girls asking me to watch them.
Is that some kind of societal trend? How was your day? Karen is here.
Oh, Karen.
You should get back together with her.
What does she want, anyway? All you did was destroy her life.
Karen, hi.
How are ya? - I'm OK.
- Nice to see you again.
Eli failed his test.
OK.
Did he study the night he was with you? - Of course he studied.
- How much? Karen, I can't get into this right now.
Rick, this is not about you and me.
Our son has a problem and I don't think that you're facing it.
I know he has a problem.
And what are you doing about it? It's not enough to feel bad about it.
I'm doing a little more than feeling bad about it.
This is me.
We both know you didn't make him work.
I'm not trying to attack you - Oh, really? - Just let me finish! I I think that you are a wonderful father.
I think that you don't want to see that our wonderful son who has a thousand wonderful qualities, has a problem.
And if we don't address it, he's the one who'll suffer.
You shook the hot sauce.
You should just put it on He didn't drank it.
Please say you didn't.
What are you doing? Kids, kids, uh kids? I need to talk to Eli for a second.
Just for a second.
I know.
Me, too.
I put aside the whole night to work.
- She has to go home, E.
- But she helps me work.
She has to go home, do her own work.
I guess she is kind of distracting.
So a homonym would be what? Grace, aren't you getting ready? I'm not going.
What do you mean? Honey I just don't want to go.
It's no big deal.
It is a big deal.
You've been talking about it all week.
No one's gonna look at me or talk to me.
They'll all be making out in the corner with other people.
- I should be so lucky.
- Mom! Honey, I'm kidding.
It's not easy to encourage your daughter to go to a make-out party.
Don't kid about my life! I'm not pretty, Mom.
I weigh too much, and I don't want to subject myself to that humiliating situation.
Grace, I can't bear to hear you talk about yourself that way.
I'm sorry if you can't bear it but it's not your problem.
It's my problem.
Anyway, I couldn't possibly go to the party feeling the way I do now because I am totally freaking out about this.
Oh, God.
Honey, Listen, if you're at the party you can meet people, forget about yourself.
Just stop telling me how to live my life! God.
Grace, look at me.
No, look at me.
You are not the miscreant, ugly person you pass yourself off to be.
You are a beautiful, intelligent, amazing girl who has so much to offer anyone.
And I'm not gonna let your fear dominate you or this house anymore, do you hear me? You're afraid.
We are all afraid.
But that's not the end of the story.
Did you ever stop to think that fear could be your friend? Yeah.
It makes me throw up.
No.
No, it tells you you're alive that there's some part of you that is so strong and won't settle and won't see yourself in this terrible way.
You're afraid because because you want more, not because you deserve less.
And I know because I have spent just too many years being afraid myself and I can't let you make that mistake.
My father died when I was 14, and it's funny.
Life was very normal after that.
Too normal.
'Cause inside I was living in a bomb shelter waiting for the fallout to go away.
and I lived like that for so many years.
I was just encased in concrete.
I did everything on my own with a vengeance school, the firm, my bnother's alcoholism.
And then I met Karen and I don't know why, but I came out.
She made everything OK.
I just I just needed her so much.
So when I messed that up I thought, "What will I do, you know?" "I can't be alone anymore.
" and secretly I thought, "I'll just find somebody else.
" and now it's been three years and there isn't anybody else and I didn't really bargain for that.
and I just think that if somebody knew that knew that I didn't want them for them but basically because I was scared scared to death of being alone, you know I can't imagine why they'd want me.
Next chapter Inside my skin there is this space.
It twists and turns.
It bleeds and aches.
Inside my heart there's an empty room.
It's waiting for lightning.
It's waiting Hello? for you and I am wanting? I am meeting you here.
Inside the absence of fear.
Oh, no.
- Are you up? - I'm up.
- Are you up? - I'm up.
- Are you really up? - I'm up.
That's the funny thing because I neven chose the safe thing.
I would try and somehow it would always end up being unsafe.
Come on, Zoe.
What is that on your stomach? Oh, my goodness.
Come on, get out of bed.
No, tickle me more.
I'll tickle you right out of this bed.
My marriage was supposed to be safe until Jake got other ideas.
You take it! No, you take it! Am I happier now? I don't know.
Ask me in another three years.
I have to go to Mom's.
I forgot my history notes.
Right now I guess I always had a map for my life, you know? Where I was supposed to be headed, and and now it's like I've walked off it entirely.
It's weird.
You'll be there tomorrow at 4:00? I'll be there.
By the time you get divorced there's almost some relief in accepting that you've failed.
You're worthless you've destroyed your kids' lives and yet, there they are, they still need you.
You have to move on.
It's not fair.
They don't even know me.
So, here I am.
Only I don't know where here is.
I was supposed to be a happy homemaker.
I was supposed to be angry that I was a happy homemaker.
I saw the whole picture.
I wasn't doing enough with my life and secretly I'm happy that I'm not doing enough because I'm safe and look at me.
Other people seem safe.
I look at their faces and I know that that was once my face.
But I don't do that.
I don't do anything.
I want to go back there.
This has been going on for two weeks now.
If I can go to school one day and not do that.
This is the way they make me feel and I'm not overexaggerating This isn't making any sense.
- They're having this party.
- At Beth's house.
Are her parents there? Her parents aren't there even when they're there.
The point is, they have these parties, and stuff happens.
No, they don't do drugs.
You know, it's just people pairing off whatever.
- What do you mean, whatever? - Whatever.
They make out.
They make out? - No, forget about it.
- I want to hear this.
I made out when I was 14.
Your mom waited till she was married.
Look, I can't talk about this.
Honey, what's the matter? I'm gonna feel stupid, that's all.
Zoe, feet off the table, honey.
I'm just gonna be sitting alone by myself, and that's stupid.
You are not gonna be sitting alone.
What am I saying? Mom, please, who's gonna make out with me? Honey, what are you talking about? I can't deal with this.
She's in total denial.
Look at me.
No one will make out with me, and that is a fact and I just wish you would accept it.
Simon Jacobs asked me to make out with him.
Shut up! This is not your discussion! Excuse me for living.
Zoe, we'll get to you in a second.
Gracie, you are so wrong about how you look.
I don't even know what to say.
Dad understands.
What did he say? At least he doesn't act like I'm crazy.
He said that if I wanted to go on a diet I should go on a diet.
Your father told you to go on a diet? No, he didn't tell me to go on a diet.
God, look at this thing.
It's disgusting.
I'm changing.
Wait a minute.
Is your soccer a home game tomorrow? - Daddy's coming.
- He is? He told me last week.
If her mother started dating she'd have a better opinion of herself.
Thank you, Judy.
Jake, did you tell Gracie to go on a diet? That's what she said.
Look, I think it's very destructive and you and I need to talk about these th Can we discuss this tomorrow at the soccer game? The soccer game.
Apparently, you told her you were coming.
Jake, come, or tell her you're not coming.
I don't want to be in the middle of this again.
Please? Goodbye.
No idea there was a game.
He's a very busy man.
Orgies, weekends in Vegas.
Keep going! Go! Push it up! Push the ball! Come on, Grace! Move it, move it! That's it! Keep going! Get the ball! Get the ball! Did you hit it? How's your ankle? You think you can get up? Yes.
Calm down, honey, we're gonna lay you down and put ice on it.
I'll call the doctor and see if we need an X-ray.
Mom, I don't need an X-ray.
Where's Daddy? He said he'd be here.
Sit down.
Is there a place she can lie down? - I don't need to lie down.
- Let me see.
Is it your ankle? Yeah, she got hit by two girls.
The important thing is to get it elevated, get some ice on it keep the swelling down, even if it isn't broken.
Does it hurt over here? On the outside? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Can you do this? Can you move it like that? That's good.
Are you a doctor? No, no.
I've just done this a million times to myself.
We can take her right back here.
- Thank you.
- Mom, I'm OK.
Don't listen to the doctors.
She'll walk again.
Oh, my kids are not big on stoicism, I'm afraid.
A useless virtue.
Yeah.
Of course I never really had it either, to be honest.
I'm gonna shoot some hoops till Mom comes.
Well, that one could use a bit less.
- Stoicism.
- Oh.
We just found out he's failing two subjects and he forgot to tell us.
You and your wife must've been thrilled about that.
Ex-wife.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, no.
She blames it on the divorce, actually.
She blames global warming on the divorce.
Maybe she's right.
What happened? Is she all right? She just sprained her ankle.
Where is she? Gracie?! Grace?! Grace? Daddy.
Oh, sweetie, look at you.
It was so horrible.
These two girls Your daughter and your husband look like each other.
Ex-husband, sort of.
You know, Eli, that this kind of reading problem is so common, and you've really made such progress.
I'm looking at your latest grades as just a little setback, that's all.
Yeah, I guess I just get distracted you know what I mean? What's your custody arrangement? - Well - We We're not doctrinaire about it.
Basically, Rick has the kids on the weekends and usually one night a week and I have them the rest of the time.
And you stay on top of his homework know what he's studying in school? I try to, yeah.
It's not always easy but he and I communicate really well.
On most subjects.
No.
We really understand each other.
He and I have our own bond.
Rick's very involved with Eli, and that's great.
It's just easy for things to slip by, that's all.
Not the important things.
Sometimes even the important things.
The question is really for Eli.
Are you willing to put the distractions aside and do the work necessary to beat this problem? I just hope it doesn't mean I have to give up sports.
I don't think we're talking about giving up sports.
I think whatever it takes, we have to do it.
Eli, it's not your job to see the big picture but your parents have to.
I think it's a little too early to know what he'll have to give up.
If things go really well, maybe it'll be nothing.
- Thanks for setting the table.
- You're welcome.
- Where's your brother? - He's upstairs with Jennifer.
They're having sex in his room.
- Stop that.
Who's Jennifer? - His girlfriend.
What happened to Megan? Eli! You didn't get vegetables? I told you I'm a vegetarian.
Meat is good for you.
Set the table.
Get the silverware.
Dad, this is Jennifer.
Hi, Rick.
Eli's told me a lot about you.
- Really? Did he say I'm mean? - Totally.
Did he say he had work to do tonight? - I did my work.
- He really did.
He was amazing.
He's so smart.
I love your apartment, by the way.
Thank you.
We're still trying to get him to unpack the boxes.
It's only been three years.
I never said I was a homemaker.
- You stole my Pearl Jam.
- I did not.
- Then what is in here? - Nothing.
Exactly.
Come here.
- Come here.
- Stop.
- Hey, E.
- Yes.
That girl who was hurt on the soccer field today, she OK? Grace Manning.
Yeah, she's OK.
She was faking.
I like Grace Manning.
Where is that ridiculous roster of yours? Who are you calling? It's for the parents association.
You going out with the mom? She's really hot.
- What are you talking about? - What mom? Are you going out with Grace's mom? Cool.
I am not going out with Grace's mom.
No.
I'm calling to find out if the girl if Grace's girl if Grace, the girl, is OK.
All right.
Dad.
I'm just calling to see if the girl's OK.
Omaha's the capital of North Dakota.
Isn't Omaha the capital of North Dakota? I think you should go.
I really think I should stay.
Go back.
Ohio.
No better: New Jersey.
Hello? Is this Elizabeth? - Lily, yes.
- Oh, sorry, this is This is Rick Sammler.
I was in the office today at school.
Oh, yeah.
Hi.
I didn't want him to call.
Well, I I I was just wondering I thought about him all afternoon.
I wasn't ready.
Period.
Not ready.
I just wanted to know if your daughter was OK.
That's so nice.
Yeah, she's fine.
Who's that? No permanent damage or anything like that? No.
She's really just fine.
I was, uh - I'll sue them! - Is Grace in trouble? I was just wondering if if it wouldn't be strange for you if I could if I was to Mom, who is that? buy you a cup of coffee Is it Coach? Lil, if that's the school, I want to talk to them.
Or dinner? Mom, who is it? Would that be weird being parents in the same school? Yeah.
Thanks.
If there is any, we'll call.
Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
I'm not in trouble, am l? I didn't really date much in high school.
Too afraid of rejection.
- That's not my normal place.
- You're not hungry? No.
I'm just watching my calories.
Hello? I'm so sorry.
You just have no idea what was going on when you called? Oh, that's that's OK.
I would love to have, um Dinner? Dinner.
Yeah.
OK.
What is your schedule like? Well, it's.
Uh it's pretty open right now.
And she has kids.
The bathroom has no window if you put it there.
Shear wall.
You know what happens to women when they have kids? You can put it over here and still grab the outflow.
They become sexually conservative.
You are so full of crap.
Give me the ruler.
I'm moving the bathroom.
No.
I'm telling you, that's what happens.
They have kids, they have to be grownups and they forget about the wild times they used to have.
Mothers are better sexually, fool.
You've never even gone out with a mother.
Why would I go out with a mother? It took me 20 years to get away from my own.
When do you think you'll sleep with him? - My mother has a date tonight.
- Oh, God.
My mom dates like six times a week.
- They're all fat and gross.
- You meet them? She makes a whole fetish out of it.
Why can't they keep their private lives private without dragging innocent bystanders into it? How do you know Sammler? - I don't.
- All right, Grace.
Oh, I wasn't gonna go.
I was gonna cancel.
Well, why can't you take the cell phone? I'm not gonna have a cell phone sitting on the table.
Why not? I don't think it's fair that I have to look after her.
You don't mind when I go out with my sister.
- Are you wearing that skirt? - What's wrong with it? I do mind when you go out with Judy.
I have anxiety attacks when we're alone here.
Honey, how come you never told me that? I think armed robbers are gonna come in and they're gonna start to terrorize us.
Oh, honey, armed robbers are not coming.
- You know that for sure? - Gracie, sweetie I'm just going out on a date.
I'm not getting remarried.
You better not get remarried.
She can't get remarried.
She's not divorced yet.
Thank you very much.
I think I should go out on dates before you do.
- Who's stopping you? - Nobody's asking me.
All right.
Look.
Mommy is really nervous.
Mommy's going out of her mind, OK? I haven't done this in a very long time.
Could I have a little support from my kids, please? - Mom.
- Mom.
Just don't have sex with him tonight, OK? My mother always said that I was a very good baby.
I never cried, and I never fussed and I was a really nice girl, you know? The kids.
I see you and I raise you.
How badly did they torture you? Uh pretty bad.
How about you? They're used to it by now.
They just asked me if you were older than 25 or not.
So is that how old most of your dates are? The worst thing is when you get good at dating like it's an art form instead of something real happening.
I have one sister, Judy.
You say the same thing about yourself 30 times and eventually it feels like a lie even if it's the truth.
Two brothers, also younger both still in Kansas.
My sister always fought with my parents and I was the peacemaker.
Just give me a second.
You go ahead.
And I don't mind that, really, I just Could I get that without the dressing? Or just with a different dressing like olive oil or lemon on the side.
I just mind That's great for everybody else.
Sometimes I listen to myself and I sound so incredibly boring.
I was just thinking that.
No.
What's wrong with liking what you like? I don't know.
When I was younger I just ate what was put in front of me and maybe I was happier.
I don't know where I fit in my own life anymore.
And I think I'm scared.
And he's yelling.
"Don't push yet.
" "I've got to change the battery.
" And the doctor's ready to kill him.
Did you push? No.
They start to get into a fight and I'm yelling "Excuse me.
I'm having a baby here!" Don't do it! Don't do it! And I'm basically spending the whole dinner trying not to kiss her.
You know, my wife called them in and Jessie was eight.
Eli was thirteen.
Yeah, and we told them.
And I had this funny feeling that what I was doing telling my children that we were separating was somehow physically going to harm them.
As if I were going to take a baseball bat and have a good, solid whack at both of their heads.
You know, they'd recover but they'd never forget what their father had done.
You can't stay married if you're miserable.
Yeah, you can.
People do.
But if you're not you have to accept the real consequences.
Think carrying all this guilt around helps them? You got me.
Don't worry, I'm not like this most of the time.
Most of the time, I'm happy I'm out.
This was I haven't been out in a while, and this was really I was just surprised because you're really, uh I swore I wouldn't do this.
Why are you so soft? I have to go home.
I know.
- I'm going.
- OK.
Bye.
This is very weird, you know that? I'm a really weird person.
No, I am.
Then we're well-matched.
I'm going now.
I'm really going.
Nice meeting you.
Hey! Zoe, what are you doing up? Where were you? Why didn't you keep your cell phone on? I had that cell phone right next to me the whole time.
Why didn't you pick it up? It didn't ring.
What is the matter? God, I just got really scared, that's all.
I heard noises outside, and I tried to call you and I just got really freaked out.
I'm sorry.
It must have been a bad reception area.
- I'm sorry.
- OK.
Did you have a good time? Yeah.
It was OK.
You gonna marry this guy? Gracie, I just met him.
So you really like him? No, I just met him.
I don't know what I think.
It takes time to know how you feel.
You don't meet somebody and go.
"Oh, he's the one.
" I mean, that's something somebody your age would do.
Somebody my age would think about it and try to be grown-up about the situation.
I don't want you to marry anybody but Daddy.
Honey, I am not marrying anybody including Daddy.
Let's get you upstairs, get you to bed.
You should come, too, sweetie.
I know.
- Bye.
- Bye, ZZ.
He asked if you'd be there, and I said, "No.
" "I'm not gonna answer a question like that.
" - I'm not gonna be there.
- Oh, Grace.
- How you doing? - Fine.
You hear about Abel's party on Saturday night? Yeah, kind of.
You should come.
I'll introduce you to people.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
What was that? I have no idea.
Oh, my gosh.
Eli Sammler.
Oh, my gosh! - I can't believe you kissed him.
- Will you stop it? Was it just a kiss, or you made out with him, right? I'm trying to work.
Where'd he touch you? Did he take your clothes off? - Did you take his clothes off? - Gonna see him again? Stop! I'm never gonna see him again.
He has his kids on the nights when I don't have mine.
It took us 10 minutes to figure out a night.
Lily, honey, Grace isn't six anymore.
You can go out any night you want.
She has terrible anxiety when I go out.
It's a really difficult time for her.
She's trying to figure out where she fits in this whole grand scheme of boys and here I am starting to date? It's not fair to her.
Then get a sitter for her.
She gets insulted if I get a sitter.
Lily! Who runs your house anyway? You want to sit here like a nun till she gets over it? Yes.
Listen, it hasn't even been eight months since Jake and I separated.
If my daughter needs time to get used to it, I'm gonna give it to her.
And have no life in the meantime.
That's a great example to set.
Why don't you get Jake to take them that night? He won't take them so I can have a date.
He doesn't have to know why he's taking them.
Just call him and say you want him to take them.
- And not tell him why? - Tell him it's private.
Then he wouldn't stop asking.
Hi, it's me.
Can you take the girls Thursday night? Yeah, to stay over.
Because I need you to.
Because I would like you to do it.
Oh, OK.
He said OK.
So you're seeing that mom again? Huh? Yeah, actually, she called and we're gonna see each other tomorrow night.
So cool.
Dad.
So, E, we're gonna start this thing together and then you're gonna finish it and we'll go over it in the morning, OK? What do you think of Jennifer, by the way? - She's great.
- Isn't she nice? I never met a girl who was just so nice.
And her body was amazing.
Did you see how you could wrap your hands around her waist? No, I didn't exactly see that.
I guess I've always been looking for somebody who liked me for me.
Not for all the school stuff, the team and all somebody who would understand when other stuff happened.
What are you saying in English? Somebody who wouldn't look down on me because of my tutoring and stuff.
Nobody is gonna look down on you.
They will if they think I'm stupid.
E, how can you even think that about yourself? Don't worry, I just need to check the score.
You don't need to check the score.
One minute? Literally.
See, there's Colzy there.
He turned the wrong way.
Gillespie has the ball One minute and then it's off.
Get the book.
OK.
Where's the book? Get the book? On the defense.
Number 23.
What is he, an idiot? That wasn't interference.
But Steve Spurrier's team World War II.
OK.
I'm an expert on this.
Convoy, 1940.
This is very cool.
Read.
For Tampa Bay, their defense is strong.
"Through the spring of 1940" "the situation in Great Britain was critical.
" "Supplies of food and medicine" "were gaining use through" Yes! Yes! Yes! Call that interference.
When he said, "We should go bowling" I thought, "That's the end of this relationship.
" This is like high school.
I have to pee so bad.
You just went in the restaurant.
I always have to pee.
It's something you should know about me.
I'm not ready to let you go home yet.
OK.
And I don't want to be in public anymore.
Why not? I'd ask you back to my house I can't come to your house.
But you'd say no.
We could go to your house.
Ah, but your kids are there.
My kids aren't there, actually but we can't go back to my house.
Why not? Because, Rick, this is our second date.
When I was in college, yeah, but I'm not ready.
I'm sorry.
I haven't slept with someone who wasn't Jake in I'm not talking about sleeping together.
- Come on.
- No.
What, are you kidding? You just got separated.
I know you won't sleep with me on the second date.
What makes you think I don't want to get it over with? Do you? - No.
- Oh.
- You would sleep with me? - Probably.
You'd have to twist my arm.
I'd be nervous, of course, but No, I'm not suggesting that we sleep together.
Then why do you want to go back to my house? To do other things besides sleep together.
Which means we would end up sleeping together.
No, it doesn't.
If we decide not to sleep together then we won't sleep together.
You would go to my house and do other things and not Have intercourse.
Absolutely.
That's easy.
I'm a man of my word.
Your daughter goes to - Oak Cove.
- That's right.
I thought another man's body would feel strange and it did, but I was, um I was more amazed by my body.
I wanted him so much.
Grace is the one who should be in trouble.
I didn't do anything.
It was her.
I'm not gonna be in trouble.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
- I didn't Mom? - Excuse me? What are you guys doing here? - What are you doing here? - I can You were supposed to take them.
Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this.
Honey, it's OK.
Just calm down.
Mommy, who's he? What's his name? Who is he? - Gracie, it's OK.
- No, it's not! - Hi.
- How are ya? - Daddy, do you know him? - It doesn't matter.
Zoe, honey, it's just a friend of Mommy's.
We'll talk about this, girls, in a minute.
Gracie! It's not that big of a deal.
This is the coach! Honey, you and I will talk about this in a minute.
I can't believe this.
Oh, no! Mommy, you missed a button.
Well, he's not bad looking.
I asked you to take them.
Why did you bring them back? Because Grace asked me.
She left her books here.
I called.
There was nobody home.
She said she'd rather do the work over here.
Look, I'm sorry.
Come on.
We didn't realize you'd be having a party.
She has anxiety attacks when she and Zoe are alone, Jake.
What do you mean, "anxiety attacks"? She wouldn't have wanted to be here alone.
Excuse me, but that's what she told me.
Now, I had a meeting to go to so she said, "Just drop me off at home.
" - What? - A meeting at 10:00? I don't ask you your business.
Don't ask me mine.
Who is she this time? She have really big tits? No, no! You sent them to me because you didn't want to deal with them, so don't start that with me.
When's the last time I sent them to you? When's the last time I've asked you to do anything? I asked you to take the girls just for one night.
Grace is totally afraid of being alone right now.
She wanted to come here because she'd rather be alone here I'm supposed to know that if she doesn't tell me? If you listened to her, if you cared about her as much as your precious sex life, you'd know it.
Come on.
No, I just don't bring it out of her.
Maybe maybe you're so neurotic that she feels like she has to copy you.
With your stomach aches and your headaches and everything that's wrong in your life.
"Oh, I can't bear it! I'm so scared!" I made your life a living hell.
I made you screw those 22-year-olds! I forced you into it! All right, yes, is that what you want to hear? All right, then yes.
Yes! Shut up.
I think you should leave.
Now, Jake.
Because I need to talk to Grace and I think it would be best if you weren't here.
Well, uh she's fine when she's with me, you know.
So maybe it's you.
Maybe you should think about that.
Get out.
Good night, Lily.
Night, kids! Why didn't you tell me he was connected to my school? I was going to.
I just I was trying to figure out what I was doing first that's all.
I'm sorry, honey.
That man's son talked to me in school in front of my friends.
He's a junior.
We all thought he liked me.
Because why else would he talk to me? Oh, God.
Now I find out why.
Now I find out that I have to deal with him because he could be my step-brother.
Not likely after tonight.
You think so? - Sorry.
- Hi.
- How'd it go? - Disastrously.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
Listen, I don't know that I can do this.
What do you mean? I think it's too soon.
I think that Grace is not ready for it.
I'm not ready for it.
I was married for 16 years.
It hasn't even been eight months since I'm separated.
To plunge into something now would You don't want to be with somebody on the rebound.
- Is that what this is? - I don't know.
No, I I mean, I'd like to say, "Oh, I met this guy" "and we can hang out, take our time" "see what happens.
" But I'm just too raw for that.
You don't know me.
I'm really high-strung.
I don't think it's fair to put that on you right now.
I don't think you should speculate on what's fair to me.
You're right.
It's not fair to me.
I have to be where I am even if I don't like it.
When you got separated, did you start going out right away? Yeah.
Maybe we're different.
Maybe men and women are different.
I'm just asking you to respect what I'm saying and to know that it's not you.
I just think the timing's off.
Can you accept that? Do you understand that what happened between us doesn't happen that often? I know.
And you would walk away from it? Totally naked, and she says "I'm sort of an exhibitionist.
Does that bother you?" I mean, twice.
Twice in one week I got girls asking me to watch them.
Is that some kind of societal trend? How was your day? Karen is here.
Oh, Karen.
You should get back together with her.
What does she want, anyway? All you did was destroy her life.
Karen, hi.
How are ya? - I'm OK.
- Nice to see you again.
Eli failed his test.
OK.
Did he study the night he was with you? - Of course he studied.
- How much? Karen, I can't get into this right now.
Rick, this is not about you and me.
Our son has a problem and I don't think that you're facing it.
I know he has a problem.
And what are you doing about it? It's not enough to feel bad about it.
I'm doing a little more than feeling bad about it.
This is me.
We both know you didn't make him work.
I'm not trying to attack you - Oh, really? - Just let me finish! I I think that you are a wonderful father.
I think that you don't want to see that our wonderful son who has a thousand wonderful qualities, has a problem.
And if we don't address it, he's the one who'll suffer.
You shook the hot sauce.
You should just put it on He didn't drank it.
Please say you didn't.
What are you doing? Kids, kids, uh kids? I need to talk to Eli for a second.
Just for a second.
I know.
Me, too.
I put aside the whole night to work.
- She has to go home, E.
- But she helps me work.
She has to go home, do her own work.
I guess she is kind of distracting.
So a homonym would be what? Grace, aren't you getting ready? I'm not going.
What do you mean? Honey I just don't want to go.
It's no big deal.
It is a big deal.
You've been talking about it all week.
No one's gonna look at me or talk to me.
They'll all be making out in the corner with other people.
- I should be so lucky.
- Mom! Honey, I'm kidding.
It's not easy to encourage your daughter to go to a make-out party.
Don't kid about my life! I'm not pretty, Mom.
I weigh too much, and I don't want to subject myself to that humiliating situation.
Grace, I can't bear to hear you talk about yourself that way.
I'm sorry if you can't bear it but it's not your problem.
It's my problem.
Anyway, I couldn't possibly go to the party feeling the way I do now because I am totally freaking out about this.
Oh, God.
Honey, Listen, if you're at the party you can meet people, forget about yourself.
Just stop telling me how to live my life! God.
Grace, look at me.
No, look at me.
You are not the miscreant, ugly person you pass yourself off to be.
You are a beautiful, intelligent, amazing girl who has so much to offer anyone.
And I'm not gonna let your fear dominate you or this house anymore, do you hear me? You're afraid.
We are all afraid.
But that's not the end of the story.
Did you ever stop to think that fear could be your friend? Yeah.
It makes me throw up.
No.
No, it tells you you're alive that there's some part of you that is so strong and won't settle and won't see yourself in this terrible way.
You're afraid because because you want more, not because you deserve less.
And I know because I have spent just too many years being afraid myself and I can't let you make that mistake.
My father died when I was 14, and it's funny.
Life was very normal after that.
Too normal.
'Cause inside I was living in a bomb shelter waiting for the fallout to go away.
and I lived like that for so many years.
I was just encased in concrete.
I did everything on my own with a vengeance school, the firm, my bnother's alcoholism.
And then I met Karen and I don't know why, but I came out.
She made everything OK.
I just I just needed her so much.
So when I messed that up I thought, "What will I do, you know?" "I can't be alone anymore.
" and secretly I thought, "I'll just find somebody else.
" and now it's been three years and there isn't anybody else and I didn't really bargain for that.
and I just think that if somebody knew that knew that I didn't want them for them but basically because I was scared scared to death of being alone, you know I can't imagine why they'd want me.
Next chapter Inside my skin there is this space.
It twists and turns.
It bleeds and aches.
Inside my heart there's an empty room.
It's waiting for lightning.
It's waiting Hello? for you and I am wanting? I am meeting you here.
Inside the absence of fear.