One Day at a Time (2017) s03e03 Episode Script

Benefit with Friends

1 [mambo music plays] Abuelita! No dancing! You heard what the doctor said.
Who could understand her? I am fluent in mambo, not mumbo jumbo.
Well, as a future nurse practitioner, let me explain her diagnosis.
Sit your crazy fondo down or you're gonna die.
I don't trust that doctor.
The first thing she did was weigh me, and after that everything she said was clouded by jealousy.
Abuelita, you are on blood thinners and you need to start using your cane to walk.
Why should I have to use a cane when I am so able? [chuckles] Read the Bible.
I'm serious.
I want to see you using that cane.
That I can do.
Papito, hit it.
[mambo music plays] Don't enable this! You're lucky I talked her out of the fishnets.
This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - One day at a time - One day at a time One day at a time Auction item number 32.
Spa in a box.
Two soaps and a bottle of rosé.
Somebody's gonna be a real clean drunk.
Maybe me.
Ooh A gift certificate for vaginal rejuvenation? Where do we put this? Front and center so we can see who bids on it.
Hey, I just realized it's our anniversary.
It's the third year in a row of us doing all the work setting up this fundraiser.
What's the traditional gift for that? Do not say vaginal rejuvenation.
[women laughing] You know, this would go a lot faster if we were getting any help from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants.
I'm just gonna say it.
I miss Matt Lauer.
What's up, ladies? We are so close to finishing up.
[both] Woo-woo! Okay, I'm just gonna keep on going.
So I was thinking that if everyone grabbed a couple baskets, we could be done in like ten minutes.
And if you could grab ten baskets, we could be done in like one minute.
[clears throat] See, I can do math too.
Nikki, are you eating an auction item? Relax, Penelope, they're gluten-free.
Anyway, I wish we could help, but we're on our way to the gym.
This is a gym.
Yeah, and lifting baskets can be your workout.
[laughs] No, it's not an arms day.
[in Spanish] It's a miracle she didn't send a maid.
[in Spanish] The maid is at the house with a body.
The woman is crazy.
[chuckles] You two are so cute, with your secret language.
You sign her up for the pervy dog, I'll put her down for the vag tune-up.
Abuelita, if you are gonna do laundry, you need to use your cane.
You are right.
Can you hold it a little higher? Abuelita, you can fight this all you want, but I'm not letting up.
Schneider's in there installing a bar in the tub as we speak.
Oh, fantastic.
Now I can have a mojito while I bathe.
Not that kind of bar.
Hey! Hey! Hey! So you can avoid repetitive stress, I put your curtains on remote control.
[motor whirs] You should have let me die.
Okay, I installed the shower bar.
- I'll straighten it later.
- Appreciate that.
And then, oh, my god [laughs] Mateo did this funny Nikki impersonation.
"Hi, I'm Nikki.
I'm terrible.
" You got to see him do it.
Enough about Mateo already.
Just admit it, you like him.
Yeah, of course.
He's my buddy.
No, but you like him.
You guys should have seen her, smiling and laughing.
Ooh! So, you're crushing on a DILF, eh? You want me to talk to him? DILF to DILF? You're not a dad.
And you're definitely not an ILF.
I hear you, and yes, I will be your wingman at the fundraiser.
Once again, I'm donating handyman for a day.
Oh, that thing you do every year where Nikki outbids everyone, and you two go home together? That only happened three years in a row.
This year is different because I know better.
Nikki's toxic, and after spending time with her I always feel like I'm drowning in shame.
Yeah, you're going home with Nikki.
[sighs] I know.
So? What's wrong with this Mateo? Nothing, he's just not my type.
He's nice.
He's kind of a dork.
Like he's definitely been stuffed in a locker.
So what does this Mateo do? He is an accountant.
- Ay.
- No.
[chuckles] It's fine.
It's just I like a guy who can handle his business.
Someone who can take charge when I need him to.
And look, he just doesn't give me that [groans] - Mom, no! - Stop it! I get it.
I would look across the room at your father and I would go [groans] No! Stop making sounds and moving! No, it's a feeling you get in your stomach.
It's deep, it's physical, and once you feel it you can't ignore it.
- That's right.
- Yeah, I get that when I eat soft cheese.
Anyway, Mateo and me, no, - never gonna happen.
- Yeah.
You're in the friend zone anyway.
Can't crawl out of that.
Oh, I could if I wanted to.
I have a foolproof move I've been using since high school.
Spill a little liquid on the girls, then suddenly my eyes are no longer up here.
[chuckles] There's this kid in my class, Joe Kamacho, who has to wear a hearing aid.
And I've never been so jealous in my life.
I can't find my dancing shoes.
I need them for the auction tomorrow.
I took them.
You can't wear high heels anymore.
Excuse me? The doctor was very clear.
You are on blood thinners, you are prone to dizzy spells, so you can't wear high heels anymore, y ya! You do not "y ya" me.
I "y ya" you.
Y ya! [motor whirs] Thank you for wearing flats, and thank you for agreeing to auction off knitting lessons instead of dance lessons.
And thank you for always knowing what everybody else should do.
I will admit it's kind of weird to see you without heels.
Now when you stand next Dr.
you only come up to his armpit.
Yet she still looks down on me.
- And you love it.
- I do.
Ah, the library is only open for one more hour, and I feel the need, the need to read.
What a novel idea.
[both laugh] Lydia, I think these knitting lessons are gonna be a big hit.
They will be, because now they are dance lessons.
I thought Elena hid all of your heels.
No, these are my emergency heels.
My abuela taught me to keep a pair in the freezer in case of fire, flood, or flamenco.
Oh, still cold.
Elena is going to see you in these shoes.
Not if I stand behind my table.
And, Leslie, snitches get stitches.
But she's going to see that you're taller than my armpit.
I already thought of that.
Put on your heels, cowboy.
- Look at you.
- Look at you! You ditched the cargo shorts, huh? Yeah, I'm trying to dress better.
My son said I look like a dork, who no one would ever date.
What? I unloaded all the heat lamps in the parking lot, okay? The parking lot? No, we need them on the quad like an hour ago.
Hang on.
Stu? Here's what gonna happen.
You're gonna move them on to the quad, and because you were late, you're gonna take another 20 percent off.
Because I'll tell you, every parent here is looking down the barrel of a sweet 16 party, and we wouldn't want word to get out that you don't deliver things on time.
Would we? Right.
Sorry, sir.
I'll take care of it.
What? Nothing.
What up, klutz? Here's a napkin.
Hey, Pete.
What the hell, guys? Hi, Schneider.
Darn it, no! I love our little tradition where handyman for a day becomes handyman for a night, and then leaves right after.
While I appreciate your business, this year, can we give a chance to someone who wants me for what's in my tool belt and not Well, this metaphor's not working out.
Just don't bid.
Oops, too late.
That's just a drawing of a This is a school! [typewriter dings] [keys clack] Is that a Remington Deluxe Model 5? Good ear.
His name's Belmondo.
That's crazy.
I have a hammer named Lorenzo.
Are you making fun of me? No, look, look.
[chuckles] It's a pleasure to meet you, Lorenzo.
And I am Lorenzo's colleague, Schneider.
So are you a parent or a teacher or a student? Please don't say student.
Well, I'm I teach kindergarten.
But really I'm a poet.
I'm selling custom poems.
No kidding.
I type them onto paper I make at home from recycled phone books.
And my ribbon is loaded with cuttlefish ink.
Cuttlefish is my favorite cephalopod ink.
- How's business? - Not great.
Oh, a customer! Catch you later, neighbor.
Did I eat soft cheese? Let's see how many bids we have, huh? - Ay.
- Oh, sugar.
These boots were not made for walking.
Leslie, back to the corral! Elena's coming.
Berkowitz, why are you wearing cowboy boots? There's a long-storied history of Jewish cowboys.
Yippee-ki-oy vey! Abuelita, you can't be wearing those high heels, and what happened to the knitting lessons? You are putting yourself in serious danger.
You're not some kid at the Havana club anymore, you're an old woman.
And you think an old woman could do this? [vocalizes in rhythm] Woo! Fine.
Clearly you don't care what Mom or me or the doctor says.
I give up.
That was very impressive.
Most women your age would have twisted an ankle.
[hoarsely] I did.
[groans] [clears throat] Is Belmondo acting up? Sure is.
Keys are jammed.
Let me take a look.
You're really good with those tools.
Oh, thanks.
I like pretty much anything mechanical.
To me, all these gears, springs, and levers working in unison is like poetry, you know? I do.
Plus, with a typewriter, you can create something that lasts forever.
Something permanent you can you can hold and cherish.
[typewriter dings] Belmondo is fixed.
Oh! Are you okay? All right, Abuelita, time to go.
And no need to be dramatic.
You win.
You're free to make your own choices about your health, even if those choices are stupid and can put you back in a coma.
You finally get it.
[winces] [chuckles] Interesting items.
Did you hurt yourself? Don't be ridiculous.
I'm simply interested in vaginal I hurt my ankle.
Can you please give us a hand? We need to get her to the car.
Of course.
[yells] [Dr.
Berkowitz] I might need some help as well.
I've been outbid.
You have? By who? By me.
Well, I have a tradition to maintain, so Well, I'm not much for tradition, so I've had this dream.
This is getting boring.
[clears throat] Whoa, she wrote a lot of zeros and turned two of them in the boobs.
I, umI can't compete with that.
Will you excuse me for one second? Yeah.
No, Nikki.
No, no, no.
I'm breaking this cycle, this dance of death that we do.
I know Avery and I just met, but she's making me feel things that I've never felt before.
Okay, bring her.
Really? No, no, no, no! [exclaims] [clears throat] So Um, did you really mean what you said about me? Yeah.
I had a really nice time meeting you and Belmondo tonight.
Us too.
In fact, we wrote you a poem.
This is really experimental.
[chuckles] That's my phone number.
Got ya.
I will be calling.
Wow, it's justit's so refreshing to meet someone at one of these things that isn't a a privileged, rich, trust-fund baby.
We are so on the same page.
It's crazy.
Congratulations, we did it.
[both] Woo-woo! Yeah, we did such a great job that Nikki will take all the credit for it at the PTA meeting.
Hey, you know what? I was thinking that you and me, we should go out sometime.
Go out? Yeah, you know, grab a drink, see a movie.
Call the heat lamp company, start yelling.
I don't know, date stuff.
Um I don't think we should.
I mean, you're the only parent here I actually like.
We're friends.
I'd really hate to mess that up.
- Right? - Right, yeah.
Then we'd be stuck with each other for four more awkward years.
Yeah, no, totally.
But I am so flattered.
- 'Cause you - Yeah, I know, all good.
I hope I didn't make it weird.
No, come on, no.
All good.
[sighs] Here you go, Abuelita.
This should help with the swelling.
Thank you.
Now can we talk about getting rid of the high heels? - [sighs] - Elena, please, give the woman a moment's peace.
I'm just used to taking her side.
I don't even know what you guys are talking about.
Abuelita please.
I haven't slept since I saw you lying in that hospital bed.
I am so worried that something is going to happen to you, and you're being stubborn about a silly pair of shoes.
It's not just about the shoes.
It'sonce the heels go, what's next? I don't want to put them on a shelf and remember who I was.
I want to be who I am.
My abuela, Maria Luisa.
She wore her four-inch ruby stilettos everywhere, even snorkeling.
Oh, boy, she was a strong woman.
And she remained elegant.
In spite of living in the world that was not always beautiful.
And she was who she was.
Until the day she died.
- I also have a really strong abuelita.
- [chuckles] And I want to keep her strong.
So do you think that she can be who she is in a slightly lower heel? For me? For you? Maybe she could try.
If the shoes are sufficiently stylish, with a little platform, and a bit of sparkle.
And you know, maybe sometimes you can use the cane.
- Take the win.
- Okay.
I want to make an announcement.
Mami, what happened to the motor? Oh, so tragic.
It broke when it was hit several times by a cane, which also broke.
So what's your announcement? I realize that there are many things I still want to do with my life.
So I made a bouquet list.
Do you mean a bucket list? No, that makes no sense.
It is a bouquet list because it is an arrangement of all of the beautiful things you still want to do before you kick the bucket.
What'd you put on it? To sing in front of a big band again, hold my grandchildren's children, have someone explain Star Wars to me.
"A long time ago - in a galaxy far, far away" - Check.
[knock on door] Mateo? Is everything okay? - Can I talk to you for a sec? - Sure.
What's up? Earlier you asked if I wanted to go out with you and I said no.
I remember.
I said I wanted to protect the friendship.
Yeah, that happened like an hour ago.
I remember stuff, I'm not freaking Memento.
I actually don't want to be friends with you.
Okay, well, that could have been an email.
I'm not great at this.
It's been 15 years.
The thing is, when you spilled water on your It's like I saw you in a brand new way.
Huh! Interesting.
Go on.
And then you asked me out and I panicked.
I mean, I haven't been on a date since I split with my wife.
Mateo Are you asking me on a date? I am.
I actually started thinking about it and I don't think it's a good idea.
Remember five seconds ago when you asked me out, I said no, but I meant to say yes? [Lydia] Stop toying with the man! Invite him in so he can see what you will look like in ten years! [theme music plays]