One Day at a Time (2017) s03e06 Episode Script

One Valentine's Day at a Time

1 Man, we killed that all-you-can-eat buffet.
Yup.
What? It says, "All you can eat.
" I will eat all of it.
This is on them.
Oh, I'm with you.
[laughs] What else you got in there? That's not what I Never mind.
Don't answer.
Hey, so, Valentine's Day is tomorrow.
We should do something, right? Look, I like flowers, chocolates, and a stupid teddy bear I'm gonna throw in the trash as much as the next girl.
But we've both been married before.
We know that Valentine's Day sucks.
Let's just skip it.
I have been married before.
This smells like a trap.
It's not a trap.
My family is going out.
I'm taking the day for myself, and you should do all the stuff that you like to do.
Whatever that is.
- We don't know each other that well.
- [chuckles] Okay.
Although, I was going use the occasion to make my big move since we haven't kissed yet.
No, no, don't talk about it.
What are you doing? Just making sure that I'm safely out of the friend zone.
You are out of the friend zone and you soon will have access to other zones.
- Okay, get out of here.
Get out.
- [chuckles] [together] Bye.
That was the saddest thing we have ever heard.
- [theme song playing] - This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet  Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - One day at a time - One day at a time One day at a time Come on, everyone.
I love you all but I want you gone.
We are going to have so much fun at the viejitos lawn bowling tournament.
[in sing-song] Lawn bowl so hard, other chuckers want to find me.
[blows] That sounds like a hell of a date.
You must be anxious to get it started.
Don't be silly, Lupe.
Leslie is not my date.
He is the chaperone.
Who's your date? Let's get this bocce ball rolling.
You're really this excited about watching lawn bowling? I've been grounded for three weeks with no phone or TV.
Last week, I read a Jane Austen book for fun.
Yeah, remember you're still grounded, and the only reason I'm letting you go is 'cause this seems worse.
What do you think? I think I'm glad you two found each other.
We are celebrating.
This is our first Valentine's together, and my first time acknowledging Valentine's since all the other years I was at home making fun of it 'cause, really, I was sad.
Why does your head look like a butt? [chuckles] They're hearts.
We are not doing the typical corporate Valentine's Day.
I have planned an amazing day of service.
Syd and I are doing the Heart Healthy fun run.
Did you know that heart disease is the number one killer of women? Second only to these dimples.
Papito, you are the number one lady killer.
[chuckles] You are the lady serial killer.
Okay, Mami, getting weird.
Anyway, what we're doing is perfect.
Yeah.
What else are we gonna do? Have an amazing time at Benihana marveling at a volcano onion? [laughs] Yeah, right.
Oh, good, you're all here.
Everybody, huddle up.
I need advice.
Listen, I'm begging you.
Make this quick.
- The Schneiders arrived in the New World.
- Quicker.
We got rich, but I told Avery, the girl that I'm dating, that I'm poor.
Sohow does that whole nightmare work? We're not poor, we're middle-class.
Yeah, that's good.
Tell me other things poor people say.
Just take her to your apartment.
Then she'll know I'm rich.
It's a shame, too, 'cause I just installed a hot tub and a high-tech Japanese toilet.
When you flush, it says, "Arigato.
" Take her to the Burbank Airport, watch the planes take off while eating Taco Bell drive-through.
Get her cinnamon twists if you want to go south of the border.
Bye! Damn, now I want Taco Bell.
What? You want me to steam my puka? Yeah, right.
Oh, fifty percent off.
Maybe.
[groans] What's happening? Couch nap.
[grunts] It's gonna hurt my back.
That's a tomorrow problem.
Hey! No, no, no.
Go away or I will stick my foot up your Avery! Oh, God.
It's so nice to see you.
What are you two doing here? Well, there we were at the Burbank Airport, watching planes and eating chalupas.
I believe it was Jenny from my block who said, "Love don't cost a thing.
" It was so fun.
Whenever a private plane would fly over us, the pilot would wave at Schneider like he knew him.
I got one of those faces.
Okay.
Anyway, um, I'm kind of doing an alone thing for Valentine's Day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It gets better.
No.
No, no, no.
This It's by choice, obviously.
I mean Well, I usually dress better.
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
We can we can totally head out.
[stammering] It's just thatHmm.
I live in one of those tiny houses, and my roommate wants to lie down.
So - And we don't feel like fighting the rain.
- What? Is it raining out there? Oh, yeah.
It's coming down like a waterfall in Bali.
I imagine.
The veijitas lawn bowling tournament turned into the veijitas wet T-shirt contest.
[groaning] No.
It was so beautiful on the outside.
I should have looked at the sky.
- Wait.
Where's Mami? - [groans] Don't look at me! A horrible truth has been revealed.
Papito, get me a straightening iron and the Bible.
Can't we just get an umbrella and go back out there? Are you crazy? Everybody knows that going outside with wet hair is almost as deadly as walking barefoot in your own home.
Ay, Mami, a little rain never hurt anyone.
[screams] You both look like Carrie.
Don't be silly, Miss Alvarez.
I don't have telekinetic powers no matter how hard I try.
The rain ruined the fun run.
And all those hypocrites bailed, so Syd and I finished the whole thing, just to prove a point.
Yeah, you really showed them.
You look ridiculous.
Hmm.
Look who's talking, Chia Pet.
[gasps] And your hair is flat.
[gasps] You know what's crazy? We ran right past Benihana.
See all those people catching shrimp in their mouths and laughing? Yeah, all of those people having fun.
I am so glad we're beyond that.
Oh, hello.
I see there are more than six peoples in our home.
Well, that settles it.
We must have a party.
I will get my box of decorations.
- Leslie, get the box of decorations.
- No, no.
Guys, no! This is LA.
Rain lasts only five minutes.
It's gonna clear up.
[lightning crashes] Ay, fine.
We'll have a fun party.
Story of my life.
Leslie, don't be depressing.
Sorry, it's kind of my default.
Who reads this crap? "32 Questions to Make You Fall Head Over Heels.
" Well, what are they? Ooh.
This looks fun.
Question one.
Schneider.
"What's your favorite childhood memory?" Uh Have you ever seen Forrest Gump? - No.
- Oh.
Well, in that case, let me tell you something Mama always said.
Wow, Mom, you clean up nice.
Oh, thank you.
You're still grounded.
But I'll admit it's nice to have an excuse to dress up.
Come on.
If you want to get out of the apartment, help me find the champagne flutes in the garage because we are having a party! You're having a party? We are having a party.
[vocalizes mambo music] Nah, man, we ain't having no party.
Okay.
I was just going to leave these at your door No.
Listen, don't be mad.
I, reallyI was supposed to be alone having a romantic time with myself.
Let me start that over.
Uh, the rain ruined everything, and everybody came back, and we're Cuban, so now we're having a party.
Well, I'm Colombian, so I actually get that.
Except with my mom, it's not [vocalizes mambo music] It's [vocalizes Colombian music] Do I hear a Colombian? Thank you for my flowers.
You should stay.
- But my socks are wet.
- You can take them off.
Barefoot on a cold floor? My Tío Paco died that way.
They said it was the cancer, but we all knew.
Mami, you're gonna love him.
Hey, Sam's dad.
What's the news from the outside? Do they still have the Internet? Still grounded, huh? I'd kill for a cat video right now.
Why don't you invite Sam over? Maybe being around someone his own age will take the edge off.
Oh, I would but he's spending the night at his mother's.
Maybe next time.
We didn't have a dime to our name but I needed those leg braces.
So Mama marched up those stairs and did what she had to.
This was years before I met the president.
Wow, that is just Can you believe this guy? I really can't.
Hey, I'm so sorry that our plans turned into this.
But we can still do something socially aware.
Like, did they ever free Tibet? We should check on that.
Or we could just keep hanging out at the party.
I'm kind of curious to find out what happened to Schneider's friend, Bubba.
There's pineapple shrimp, coconut shrimp [Leslie sighs] Leslie, your breathing is so sad.
Stop breathing.
I'm sorry.
This day gets in my head.
My wife left me on Valentine's Day.
[gasps] Pobrecito.
And the divorce papers arrived on April Fool's.
You can imagine the confusion.
Wow! I was sad about my life until just now.
Thanks, Doc.
Hey, Leslie, you cannot go through life like there's a cloud over your head.
[Lydia gasping] I am a bruja.
I knew it.
- Mom, there's a leak! - What? All right.
Don't worry, everybody.
The super will fix it.
Schneider, fix it! I'm on it! Let me just go get my tool belt.
Ooh.
Is it in your apartment? No.
It's next to the trash-can fire I use to keep warm.
Let's finish the questions.
I thought of a lot more dream vacation spots.
Reno, the biggest little city in the world.
Can we please not? I'm so tired of looking at happy girls in tampon ads.
PMS is a thing and it's okay to feel it.
Fine, let's just do what you want to do, again.
Hold on.
What do you mean by that? You think everything I want to do is stupid or a joke.
When did I say that? Only the three times I said I wanted to go to Benihana.
I thought that was a stupid joke! Oh.
I've been dropping hints left and right.
Maybe you should pay a little less attention to the world and a little more attention to me.
Or maybe you should be a little less passive-aggressive and just tell me what you want! Fine! I want to leave! But I can't because my dad isn't picking me up for two hours.
So instead, I want to find out what color makes my eyes pop.
[grunts] Great news, I made an important discovery.
You guys don't live on the top floor.
So this can't be rainwater.
Oh.
It got in my mouth.
So, where is this water coming from? That's as far as I got.
Well, let's ask the water where it's coming from.
Um, it's warm, and it smells like bergamot and hibiscus.
[sniffs] Ooh.
That's nice.
It is your stupid hot tub! It's leaking.
Wait.
You have a hot tub? No.
That would be crazy for a simple boy from Alabama Okay, I'm rich! Like, really rich.
I own this building.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I just thought you'd think less of me if you knew I had a lot of money.
[sighs] I don't I don't think less of you.
What's happening? Is that a Dries Van Noten blouse? Yes.
I'm rich too.
But it's family money.
I didn't make it on purpose.
No, no, no.
 I know that pain.
You spend and you spend and you spend, and there's always more.
Oh, this is some bull.
Look, II do have a tiny house.
I just keep it in the ballroom of my giant house.
I just wanted you to like me.
I just wanted you to like me.
Leak! Right.
Right.
Let's go fix my hot tub.
Or better yet, let's pay someone else to do it.
Oh! Que romántico! Whoo! Is it always like this over here? Come dance with me.
[dance music plays] Hey.
I just want to tell you that I'm really glad you came over tonight.
Me too.
I feel very much at home here.
My mom's crucifixes are a lot bloodier, but same All-Star team of Popes.
It's pretty great.
[cellphone rings] - Sorry.
- It's okay.
My son.
Everything okay? First, unload the dishwasher, then PlayStation.
All right.
I'll see you when I get home.
I thought you said Sam was with his mom.
What? Oh.
Right.
You lied to me? Why don't want Sam to come over? Does he not know we're dating? Are you embarrassed of me? It's not you.
It's Elena, isn't it? I know she's a lot.
No, Elena is great.
Alex? What's wrong with Alex? Sam's only 15.
I just want to keep him away from certain things for as long as possible.
This is about the weed thing? Alexmade a mistake like every teenager who's ever lived.
He's a good kid.
And if you haven't noticed, he's being punished by a really on-it mom.
Look, I'm not gonna apologize for being overprotective, or as we Colombians call it, "Colombian.
" Oh, please.
Cubans invented it.
- You know what Colombians are known for? - Don't you say it! We also have coffee and Shakira.
Look I did what I thought was right.
I didn't even let him go on sleepovers till he was 14.
Fourteen? You let a baby sleep over at a stranger's house? You call that overprotective? We didn't even have furniture with corners on it until Alex was 12.
My son's never been in a public pool! I make my kids wear flip-flops in our own shower 'cause I don't know where we've been.
We are both very overprotective people! I guess so! - It's nice to be with someone who gets it.
- Right? I mean, it's not like we're crazy.
No, everybody else is crazy for not being like us.
I can see what a great kid Alex is.
And when his grounding is up, I'd like to have him come over and hang with Sam.
Have you tested your paint for lead? Of course.
I tested your paint for lead.
That is so hot.
Hey.
Hey.
- Are you going to break up with me? - What? No, I'm here to tell you that green makes my eyes pop.
I could have told you that.
I'm really sorry that I didn't take your ideas seriously.
And I'm sorry I wasn't more direct about what I wanted.
Mmm.
Our first fight.
[chuckles] It was a real knock-down, drag-out emotional brawl.
How do you make sure we never have one of those again? Just take me to Benihana.
How can I be clearer? Look.
I love that you're woker than a barnyard rooster.
Butsometimes you just want to hang out with your best gal at a restaurant that's not just a meal.
It's an experience.
I made you something.
Ibailed on giving it to you 'cause I thought it was kind of corny, but Get it? It's binary code, zeros and ones, except for the heart, which is all the other numbers.
So it's a A non-binary heart! Oh, my God.
I love you.
I meanI hope that's okay.
But I do.
Of course it's okay.
I love you too.
Sorry, we're such a cliché saying I love you for the first time on Valentine's Day.
I'm too happy to care.
This is the best thing anyone's ever gotten me.
That is until we go I get it! I'll take you to Benihana.
The leak stopped.
[gasps] Thank you, Schneider! Whoo! Ha-ha! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Thought we'd come back to the party instead of heading to some fancy restaurant.
We're not too elite to hang with the real peeps.
Late reservation? 10:30 was the earliest we could get.
It's nice to have so many happy couples under one roof.
Yeah.
I'm your classic ninth wheel.
[babbles] Just for the record, Abuelita and I are not together.
Leslie.
I want to tell you something.
Valentine's Day was Berto's day to shine.
Every detail was perfect.
Every piece of chocolate, every petal on every flower impecable.
Butafter Berto, I knew that there was no way that I would ever have a date with someone else on Valentine's Day.
Because it would dishonor his memory.
I understand.
But [inhales] I figured if I spent the day with my grandson, and we had a chaperone that would be okay.
Yeah? We should share a kiss.
I'm going to eat this even though I'm highly allergic.
This isn't how I saw Valentine's Day going.
[chuckles] But I'm glad it happened.
Salud.
Salud.
The rain has stopped, things are finally starting to look up.
[Penelope screams] I don't know how but I'm sure this is my fault.
I thought you said you fixed the hot tub! I did! Oh, my Japanese toilet! [automated voice] Arigato.
Run, Schneider, run! [theme music plays]