Only Fools and Horses (1981) s01e01 Episode Script
Big Brother
That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming To Dinner.
Yeah, knockout Grandad.
Sidney Potter? Yeah, you know him, always plays the black fella.
It's Sidney Poitier.
Sidney Potter! Look, it's Poitier.
It's Potter.
It's bloody Poitier I'm telling you.
And I'm telling you it's bloody Potter.
Are you two at it again, are you? Del, how do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Sidney Potter? Personally I'd pronounce it You daft old sod, it was Harry Well I wondered why Sidney Potter kept S'il vous plait, s'il vous plait, what an enigma.
I get better looking every day.
I can't wait for tomorrow.
Oh, do you know, I think I'm suffering from something incurable Still, never mind, eh! Oi, come on Rodney, shake leg, we've got a meeting at 12.
What are you doing? Our accounts.
You keeping accounts now? Well there you are Grandad, a lot of people told me I was a right dipstick to make my brother partner in the business, but this only goes to prove how bloody right they were.
You dozy little twonk Rodney, this is prima facie evidence ain't it, eh? The tax man gets hold of that he'll put us away for three years.
Don't worry, if the tax man comes I'll eat it.
This is the only way I can keep a check on you, Del.
I'm sure you're cheating me in some way - I just can't figure out how.
Cheating you! Cheating you! What's that rumbling noise? I didn't hear anything.
No, it's alright, it's Mum turning in her grave.
Don't start that again, Del - it's obvious you're stitching me up.
Look at you, you have three or four changes of clothes a day.
Me - I've got one suit come from an Almost New Shop.
It gets embarrassing sometimes.
Oh I embarrass you do I? You've got room to talk.
You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me from the moment you was born.
You couldn't be like any other brother could you, eh, and come along a couple of years later after me.
Oh no, not you, you had to wait 13 years.
So while all the other Mods were having punch-ups down at Southend and going to the Who concerts, I was at home baby-sitting! I could never get your oystermilk stains out of me Ben Shermans - I used to find rusks in me Hush Puppies.
Del, I couldn't help it when I was born.
Oh there you go, there you are, you see it's any excuse with you innit, eh? What d'you think bout poor old Mum then, eh? Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you? For the first three months of the pregnancy you were treated as an ulcer.
And to this day I sometimes think the original diagnosis was correct.
Look eh, come on, what sort of bloke do you think I am? Cheat me own brother? Come on Rodney I told you before haven't I, it's everything between you and I split straight down the middle, 60-40.
Yeah, well explain this to me then Del.
How do you manage to pay for the light, gas and rent in this place, eh? I mean, take last week.
We went to the auction right, we bought a gross of disposable lighters, a space invaders game, two facial saunas, five water-damaged sleeping bags, and a moon-roof for a Peugeot.
Right.
Then we swopped the lot for a van-load of one-legged turkeys.
They was not one-legged turkeys.
They was damaged turkeys.
How many legs did they have Del? I'm in no mood for trick questions Anyway you haven't put down the VAT.
We don't pay VAT.
I know but we collect it, though, don't we eh? Alright Rodney, alright.
Look, so we don't pay VAT - we don't pay income tax or national insurance.
On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit do we, eh, eh? The Government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the Government nothing.
Right.
What you complaining about? Look, I'm 23, I'd like to think I had some sort of a career.
You're self un-employed, that's a career, innit? What, selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street? I want something better than that Del.
Alright, alright, in future you can do Regent Street.
Come on.
Cheers.
And it's Poitier.
Potter.
It's Poitier.
Hello Del.
Hello darling, how are you, alright? - Fine thanks.
- Good.
Do you realise we've always had something missing in our lives.
First we was motherless, then we were fatherless and now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheeled van.
Little acorns.
What, you got one of them missing as well Del? No.
Marks and Spencers started off with a barrow At least they had four wheels Stop going on about that van will you.
Morning, Del Boy.
Bonjour, Joycie.
Two half pints of your finest low-carbohydrate beer, thank you.
D'you want it in glasses? Yes please, otherwise it dribbles through yer fingers! I meant do you want it in glasses or jugs? As long as it is served by your fair hands Joycie, we'd drink it out of Evonne Goolagong's old tennis boots.
Look at thatCharm like laser beams, eh Rodney.
Knocks 'em bandy.
Yeah, it's your ready wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds Del.
Yeah, I suppose I am full of the old bel esprit, really ain't I? Actually I quite like old Joycie.
I mean, fair play, she's a bit of an old dog, but there again you know I quite like old dogs.
I mean you know where you are with 'em, don't you, eh? They never ask you if you still respect 'em in the morning and they'll always lend you a nicker for petrol! You know.
I like this life though.
Don't you Rodders, eh, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing! You know it's exciting ain't it, unpredictable.
You know in this game you can go out in the morning with 50 pence in your pocket And come home at night skint Exactly.
Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting a job Del! Eh, what chance have you got of getting a job? Do leave it out, have you heard that, you heard that Joycie? He's only thinking of getting a job, ain't he, eh? A job eh! I've got GCE's and I took a year's course at the art college in Basingstoke.
Yes, I know you took a year's course, but you got expelled after three weeks didn't you, eh? The Board of Governors were doing their annual inspection and found you camped in your little room with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh.
Zonked out on your bed with some Chinese tart! She was a Chinese tart Well, Chinese - Japanese, it's all the same to me.
Alright, alright, supposing you go for a job, and you go for the interview, eh? What you going to say to the manager? You're going to say, 'Oh yes sir, I've got qualifications and experience, sir yeah.
I've got two GCEs, an 18 month suspended sentence and I know a good joint when I puff one.
' No, your feet won't touch bruv! No, no, I'm afraid not Rodney, at the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.
Society has placed you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar to grow moss and be forgotten about! Still never mind, eh? Viva la France as they sy in Rome.
No need to get depressed.
Oh, me depressed? No, of course not Del.
I'm on top of the world, I feel like a born again eunuch.
I think I'll apply for a mail-order course with EXIT! That's a good idea Rodney, never say die.
How are you? Alright.
Terrific.
Oh, there he is, oi Trigger! Here, you know my brother don't you, eh? Yeah, course I do, how you going Dave? Sorry I'm late Del Boy, I had to pop round me sister's to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.
What? Why d'they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun? No, it's cos he looks like an 'orse! Listen, me and the Trigger have got some business to discuss, like, you know what I mean.
Okay, so you get the drinks and meet us back here, over by the table, alright? Oh arr, sir.
Anything you say, sir, borrow me daughter, sir? No, no, very clever kid you know my brother.
Yeah, got two GCEs, one in Maths, one in Art.
You wanna see him when he writes a letter.
Some of the words he uses.
What long ones? Well they're like that, you know some of 'em.
Anyway, what you selling? This! I've got 25 of them all told, the others are in the car.
I thought I won't wrap it up, parcels attract attention these days, best to carry it openly then it don't look conspicuous! Oh yeah, yeah, that's good thinking - that Trigg.
Yeah, very good thinking.
Goes so well with your sling-back wellington boots and your off-the-shoulder donkey jacket.
You look like an executive hod-carrier! Let's have a look anyway.
Oi, Rodders, what d'you think of this, infra-dig, innit eh? It's plastic.
Plastic? It's Old English vinyl! With combination locks, yeah dinky little handle I dunno we might be able to put some of 'em round the old squash clubs, eh? We shouldn't have anything to do with them Del.
The police are probably looking for them right now.
Tell us the truth, are the police looking for these things, Trig? No they're not Del, and that's the truth Why are you hiding it under the table, then? 'Cos you never know when they're gonna start looking for 'em, do you? Leave 'em, Del.
Leave 'em.
Oi, we're partners, at least respect my opinion.
Alright, alright Rodney, I'll respect your opinion! How much To you, Del Boy, 17 pounds each! You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed! Alright then - 14 - Six.
- Ten.
- Nine.
- Eight.
Done! That's the way to do business Dave.
Right, okay Trig, let's work that out.
That's eight times 25 equals, 175, okay? What? No, no - Rodney, no, no, no.
The calculator says 175, alright.
Yeah, but he's got GCEs in Maths and Art! So what does that prove, he can paint by numbers.
Look Trig, I mean this is a calculator innit, eh? You know what I mean look - calculator says Give it here.
Oh yeah! Look at that.
I must have got my finger stuck on the button, yeah.
Pianist's fingers, Del.
Yeah! Yeah, you wanna look after them Rodney, they break very easily.
You've gotta see 'em to believe 'em Spiros.
Yeah.
Ah, I dunno hang on a minute, oi Grandad, where were they made? It don't sayThere's some Chinese writing on 'em though.
No, no, no it didn't actually give the maker's name Spiros, but then again the best ones never do, do they? You know what I mean.
Yeah.
How's it going? That's about the 15th.
- Briefcase he's sold? - Phone call he's made.
Yeah, yeah, well I'd get in while the going's good if I was you Spiros, I've only got 25 left! This is a cheeseburger! I asked for an Emperor-burger.
I couldn't afford an Emperor- burger.
He got me a cheeseburger.
I asked him for an Emperor- burger, and he brings me back a cheeseburger! Yes, yes, hang on a minute Spiros.
Will you just hang on.
Look, what's he on about now? He asked me to get him an Emperor burger, but I couldn't afford it so I got him a cheeseburger! Bloody Emperor-burgers and cheese-burgers! I'm trying to do a deal here.
Now shut up will you! No, no, not you Spiros, no, no me old mate.
Alright, how many of these briefcases can I put you down for? Ah, none! Right thanks, great - yeah, alright, see you around I told you the best thing to do with them cases didn't I! Chuck 'em in the river! Chuck 'em in the river! Chuck em in the river! That's our profit you're talking about.
What do you think this is - a ationalised industry? He knows I hate cheese! Will you stop going on about hat rotten cheeseburger, will you! Ah, Dougie Sadler, he owns the stationers in the High Street, he's our boy Rodders! I don't know why he bothers! He's a tryer ain't he! Your Dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top! There again he used to say Millwall would win the cup! Hello Dougie? Del Boy! How's your luck pal? Good! Family? Soooper! Dougie look, I'm phoning about some briefcases! Yeah? Go on, what a choker! last week!! Oh God! No, no, no I'm not tryingNot no sell any no, no, no.
No I wanted to buy some, you see, yeah I've got this, er, contact on the stock exchange.
Yeah.
Em, by the way Dougie, old pal, what were you selling them for? What d'you mean they were rejects? Oh beautiful! We've bought a consignment of rejects! What.
what was wrong with them? Oh I see, yeah, yeah, I mean who'd be daft enough to nick them eh? Yeah, who'd be stupid enough to buy hem? Yeah I know.
I'll pop own and see you next week when you get some more in.
Bye bye Doug.
See you around.
God struth.
Alright, so what's wrong with hem? Open one! What's the combination? No sod knows, that's why hey're rejects! There's meant to be a bit of paper with them, giving you the combination? Yes, there is, it's inside the briefcase innit.
Cock-up at the factory.
Nice going Del Boy! You have bought 25 executive briefcases that can only be opened by professional safe crackers! This makes the one-legged turkey deal look shrewd! Alright, Rodney that's he way I'm made innit eh? You know, crash in and to to hell with the consequences.
He who dares wins! The French have a word for people like me.
Yeah, the English have got a couple of good 'uns an' all! I told you all along not to touch them didn't I? Yeah alright, alright, well it's got nothing to do with you has it! But we're partners! Ain't we? Oh I see, the truth's coming out now.
Well come on Del let's have it out in the open! Then how do you see our respective roles in this 'partnership'? I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts and money, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van! Badly! Or did you see yourself in a different role? Well, yes I did! With my qualifications I saw myself in the capacity of a financial adviser! A financial adviser? Bonjour Trieste, you are beautiful, you are Rodney! Today I'd just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for 175 pounds, when my financial adviser stuck his nose in and advised me to pay 200 pounds.
Right! And having paid the 200 pounds my financial adviser then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now with financial advisers like that who needs a bleeding recession! What kind of financial adviser goes out to buy an Emperor- burger and comes back with a cheeseburger? Will you stop going on about that ruddy cheeseburger! Eat it, will you! Get off him.
It's against the law to force-feed a senior citizen with a cheeseburger and you know he hates 'em!! Well what did you buy it for him for? It's all I could afford!! You make my life a misery, you do.
Here, oi, just a moment! What was the last remark about me making your life a misery? Yeah well, you do Del with your over-bearing, over-protective manner! Let me remind you Rodney that you were a six-year old little nipper when God smiled on Mum and made her die! Two months after that Dad packed his bags and left us to fend for ourselves.
It was me that kept us together, nothing to do with Grandad! He was an out- of-work, lamp-fitter waiting for gas to make a comeback! I grafted 19 to 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table - alright, it wasn't always double legal - but you ate the finest food that was going! All you ever gave me was TV dinners and convenience foods! If it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it.
If you had been in charge of the last supper it would have been a take-away! Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up! Del, look, don't get me wrong - Im, I'm grateful.
I don't want your gratitude, ungrateful little git! I don't know what is the matter with you Rodney.
Sometimes I hesitate to tell people that you're my brother! Well, I always say I'm your social worker! Do you mind telling me exactly what it is that has made your life a misery? Well, you've always treated me like a child! I was the only sixth former in my grammer school who wore short trousers! Yeah, well, I got 'em cheap didn't I? But I was 15, Del.
I was growing hairs and things! My legs looked like Italian footballers! And you'd never let me do anything on my own, would you? You even had to help me with my GCE studies! You passed in two subjects.
I failed in the other eight Del.
I mean you embarrass me, that's why I never bring women home! Oh you know some women do you? Cor, that's a turn up for the book! The only bird I've ever heard you mention was old Shanghai Lil from the art college in Basingstoke.
Even then you had to drug her before you could get your leg over! No I didn't.
What, you didn't drug her or didn't get your leg over? You're suffocating me Del! I'm getting out of this house! I'm going to prove to you I can survive on my own! I'm going to the pub! What to prove you can survive on your own? No, to get legless! I don't need you no more Del, I don't need you for nothing!! I was just, I was just wondering I think he's very much like you Grandad! What, dignified in defeat? No, a ponce! No, no, I'm sure these can't be the ones they're looking for.
No, no, I wouldn't do that to a mate, now would I, eh? No, don't you say nothing to 'em you Wally! I mean you can't trust the Old Bill can you! I mean, look at that time when they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom! Yeah, alright, don't worry, okay.
I'll see you around! Rodney? Where was you first thing this morning? I was out tryin' to sell these things Did you call Rodney? No, I thought I'd let him lie in and sleep his hangover off.
Is he still in bed? No, he's gone! Gone? Packed his ruck-sack and had it away on his toes! What do you mean gone? Where's he gone? Hong Kong.
Hong Kong? What do you mean Hong Kong? Hong Kong.
It's in China.
I know where Hong Kong is! What I want to know is what's Rodney doing there? He said he was gonna hitch-hike there to see that bird from the art college.
Who? Shanghai Lil? But she's in Basingstoke, so what's Master mind doing on the road to Hong Kong? No, that's where she is now.
She got deported after the drugs trial.
Here, just a minute.
What did you do, say or cook for him that was so awful it forced him to leave? It weren't me.
It was that row last night.
He's gone to prove himself Prove himself, no it's just one of Rodney's little games, that's all.
He'd never reach Hong Kong.
He has trouble finding Clapham.
- He seemed determined.
- Well didn't you do anything? Well yeah, I made him some sandwiches.
And he took them? Blimey, this is worse than I thought! No, wait a minute, he ain't got no money! He took his post office book with him.
Can't you go and search for him? He's been gone about seven hours, the farthest he could have got is France.
Oh that's alright, we've got him cornered then, ain't we, eh! Ring up Interpol! Interpol? Interpol? I'd get more joy out of Interflora But he might be in danger.
You could explain to them what Rodney's like.
I'm sorry, I don't know the French for pranny! Hong Kong!! I meanHong Kong! Why didn't he tell me where he was going.
He could have taken these bleedin' things back with him! A2 F2.
Enter, illegal move.
A2, B2.
Enter, illegal move.
This thing still ain't working properly.
That's because you're playing draughts on it.
It's a talking chess game, you can't play draughts on a talking chess game.
Why not? Because you're supposed to play chess on it, that's why it's called a talking chess game.
You've already blown the micro- chip twice trying to huff the rook and what 'ave yer! It's supposed to have an electronic brain? It has got an electronic brain, but it didn't know it was gonna have the misfortune to fall into the hands of a soppy old duffer who wants to play draughts on it, did it? But I can't play chess! Why don't they invent a talking draughts game? Because if they did you'd most probably want to play bloody ludo on it Rodney's back DelLook, he's here.
You hungry Rodney? Starving.
I haven't eaten for two days.
Shall I cook you something? No, no, no, no!! A cup of tea, perhaps! - Old place don't change much.
- No, same as ever! It's really good to be back Del! Don't you think you're over doing the prodigal's return a bit.
You've only been gone six days.
Well, it might seem like six days to you Del, but to me it seemed like more A week? I take it you didn't reach Hong Kong! How far d'you get? - South of FranceSt Tropez.
- St Tropez, oh very mal de mer! Problem.
- 85 in the shade.
- What were the birds like? Mostly French I met one English girl there, Veronica, her father's a millionaire tax exile.
- Tax exile is he? - Illegal move.
Had a boat had he? You know parked out in the bay? A yacht anchored off-shore.
They invited me over for dinner one night! I didn't go though.
Still had some of Grandad's sandwiches left did ya? No, that night I packed my bags and headed home I was homesick you seeI missedthat! You must be joking.
The only people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe! It may not be much to you Del, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty.
You forget that I've got artist's eyes Del.
Yes, you've got pianist's fingersItalian footballer's legs.
You ever thought of applying for a disability allowance? I know you'll never understand what I mean Del, but you've got to suffer paradise before you can realise what you left behind.
Your home, your family Your passport Your passportMy passport!! You knew didn't you? You let me go through all that and all the time you knew! Where did you find it? Top of your wardrobe! We were expecting a visit from the local gendarmes and I thought I'd better check out just in case you'd left any of that exotic tobacco lying about.
No, I knew it was just a moody Rodney.
I told Grandad it was just one of Rodney's little games.
It must be wonderful to be you Del, to always be right! I know.
It gets a bit embarrassing at times.
I'll tell you another thing shall I Rodney? You said that I would never get rid of them briefcases! And you did, didn't you Del? Yes I did! I chucked the bleedin' lot in the river! No.
You threw 'em all in the river? Yep, every last one of them! They floated - that was a bit unforeseen.
Probably rounding Tilbury about now.
well, in this case the Thames! St Tropez! How far did you really get? The Shangri La doss house Stoke Newington! I shared a room with some cholera cultures! Your move.
Well, what do you fancy, shall we go down the pub and act stupid, or shall we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffin? No, best not to go to the yacht, we might bump into those bloody briefcases half-way.
Yeah, knockout Grandad.
Sidney Potter? Yeah, you know him, always plays the black fella.
It's Sidney Poitier.
Sidney Potter! Look, it's Poitier.
It's Potter.
It's bloody Poitier I'm telling you.
And I'm telling you it's bloody Potter.
Are you two at it again, are you? Del, how do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Sidney Potter? Personally I'd pronounce it You daft old sod, it was Harry Well I wondered why Sidney Potter kept S'il vous plait, s'il vous plait, what an enigma.
I get better looking every day.
I can't wait for tomorrow.
Oh, do you know, I think I'm suffering from something incurable Still, never mind, eh! Oi, come on Rodney, shake leg, we've got a meeting at 12.
What are you doing? Our accounts.
You keeping accounts now? Well there you are Grandad, a lot of people told me I was a right dipstick to make my brother partner in the business, but this only goes to prove how bloody right they were.
You dozy little twonk Rodney, this is prima facie evidence ain't it, eh? The tax man gets hold of that he'll put us away for three years.
Don't worry, if the tax man comes I'll eat it.
This is the only way I can keep a check on you, Del.
I'm sure you're cheating me in some way - I just can't figure out how.
Cheating you! Cheating you! What's that rumbling noise? I didn't hear anything.
No, it's alright, it's Mum turning in her grave.
Don't start that again, Del - it's obvious you're stitching me up.
Look at you, you have three or four changes of clothes a day.
Me - I've got one suit come from an Almost New Shop.
It gets embarrassing sometimes.
Oh I embarrass you do I? You've got room to talk.
You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me from the moment you was born.
You couldn't be like any other brother could you, eh, and come along a couple of years later after me.
Oh no, not you, you had to wait 13 years.
So while all the other Mods were having punch-ups down at Southend and going to the Who concerts, I was at home baby-sitting! I could never get your oystermilk stains out of me Ben Shermans - I used to find rusks in me Hush Puppies.
Del, I couldn't help it when I was born.
Oh there you go, there you are, you see it's any excuse with you innit, eh? What d'you think bout poor old Mum then, eh? Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you? For the first three months of the pregnancy you were treated as an ulcer.
And to this day I sometimes think the original diagnosis was correct.
Look eh, come on, what sort of bloke do you think I am? Cheat me own brother? Come on Rodney I told you before haven't I, it's everything between you and I split straight down the middle, 60-40.
Yeah, well explain this to me then Del.
How do you manage to pay for the light, gas and rent in this place, eh? I mean, take last week.
We went to the auction right, we bought a gross of disposable lighters, a space invaders game, two facial saunas, five water-damaged sleeping bags, and a moon-roof for a Peugeot.
Right.
Then we swopped the lot for a van-load of one-legged turkeys.
They was not one-legged turkeys.
They was damaged turkeys.
How many legs did they have Del? I'm in no mood for trick questions Anyway you haven't put down the VAT.
We don't pay VAT.
I know but we collect it, though, don't we eh? Alright Rodney, alright.
Look, so we don't pay VAT - we don't pay income tax or national insurance.
On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit do we, eh, eh? The Government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the Government nothing.
Right.
What you complaining about? Look, I'm 23, I'd like to think I had some sort of a career.
You're self un-employed, that's a career, innit? What, selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street? I want something better than that Del.
Alright, alright, in future you can do Regent Street.
Come on.
Cheers.
And it's Poitier.
Potter.
It's Poitier.
Hello Del.
Hello darling, how are you, alright? - Fine thanks.
- Good.
Do you realise we've always had something missing in our lives.
First we was motherless, then we were fatherless and now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheeled van.
Little acorns.
What, you got one of them missing as well Del? No.
Marks and Spencers started off with a barrow At least they had four wheels Stop going on about that van will you.
Morning, Del Boy.
Bonjour, Joycie.
Two half pints of your finest low-carbohydrate beer, thank you.
D'you want it in glasses? Yes please, otherwise it dribbles through yer fingers! I meant do you want it in glasses or jugs? As long as it is served by your fair hands Joycie, we'd drink it out of Evonne Goolagong's old tennis boots.
Look at thatCharm like laser beams, eh Rodney.
Knocks 'em bandy.
Yeah, it's your ready wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds Del.
Yeah, I suppose I am full of the old bel esprit, really ain't I? Actually I quite like old Joycie.
I mean, fair play, she's a bit of an old dog, but there again you know I quite like old dogs.
I mean you know where you are with 'em, don't you, eh? They never ask you if you still respect 'em in the morning and they'll always lend you a nicker for petrol! You know.
I like this life though.
Don't you Rodders, eh, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing! You know it's exciting ain't it, unpredictable.
You know in this game you can go out in the morning with 50 pence in your pocket And come home at night skint Exactly.
Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting a job Del! Eh, what chance have you got of getting a job? Do leave it out, have you heard that, you heard that Joycie? He's only thinking of getting a job, ain't he, eh? A job eh! I've got GCE's and I took a year's course at the art college in Basingstoke.
Yes, I know you took a year's course, but you got expelled after three weeks didn't you, eh? The Board of Governors were doing their annual inspection and found you camped in your little room with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh.
Zonked out on your bed with some Chinese tart! She was a Chinese tart Well, Chinese - Japanese, it's all the same to me.
Alright, alright, supposing you go for a job, and you go for the interview, eh? What you going to say to the manager? You're going to say, 'Oh yes sir, I've got qualifications and experience, sir yeah.
I've got two GCEs, an 18 month suspended sentence and I know a good joint when I puff one.
' No, your feet won't touch bruv! No, no, I'm afraid not Rodney, at the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.
Society has placed you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar to grow moss and be forgotten about! Still never mind, eh? Viva la France as they sy in Rome.
No need to get depressed.
Oh, me depressed? No, of course not Del.
I'm on top of the world, I feel like a born again eunuch.
I think I'll apply for a mail-order course with EXIT! That's a good idea Rodney, never say die.
How are you? Alright.
Terrific.
Oh, there he is, oi Trigger! Here, you know my brother don't you, eh? Yeah, course I do, how you going Dave? Sorry I'm late Del Boy, I had to pop round me sister's to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.
What? Why d'they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun? No, it's cos he looks like an 'orse! Listen, me and the Trigger have got some business to discuss, like, you know what I mean.
Okay, so you get the drinks and meet us back here, over by the table, alright? Oh arr, sir.
Anything you say, sir, borrow me daughter, sir? No, no, very clever kid you know my brother.
Yeah, got two GCEs, one in Maths, one in Art.
You wanna see him when he writes a letter.
Some of the words he uses.
What long ones? Well they're like that, you know some of 'em.
Anyway, what you selling? This! I've got 25 of them all told, the others are in the car.
I thought I won't wrap it up, parcels attract attention these days, best to carry it openly then it don't look conspicuous! Oh yeah, yeah, that's good thinking - that Trigg.
Yeah, very good thinking.
Goes so well with your sling-back wellington boots and your off-the-shoulder donkey jacket.
You look like an executive hod-carrier! Let's have a look anyway.
Oi, Rodders, what d'you think of this, infra-dig, innit eh? It's plastic.
Plastic? It's Old English vinyl! With combination locks, yeah dinky little handle I dunno we might be able to put some of 'em round the old squash clubs, eh? We shouldn't have anything to do with them Del.
The police are probably looking for them right now.
Tell us the truth, are the police looking for these things, Trig? No they're not Del, and that's the truth Why are you hiding it under the table, then? 'Cos you never know when they're gonna start looking for 'em, do you? Leave 'em, Del.
Leave 'em.
Oi, we're partners, at least respect my opinion.
Alright, alright Rodney, I'll respect your opinion! How much To you, Del Boy, 17 pounds each! You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed! Alright then - 14 - Six.
- Ten.
- Nine.
- Eight.
Done! That's the way to do business Dave.
Right, okay Trig, let's work that out.
That's eight times 25 equals, 175, okay? What? No, no - Rodney, no, no, no.
The calculator says 175, alright.
Yeah, but he's got GCEs in Maths and Art! So what does that prove, he can paint by numbers.
Look Trig, I mean this is a calculator innit, eh? You know what I mean look - calculator says Give it here.
Oh yeah! Look at that.
I must have got my finger stuck on the button, yeah.
Pianist's fingers, Del.
Yeah! Yeah, you wanna look after them Rodney, they break very easily.
You've gotta see 'em to believe 'em Spiros.
Yeah.
Ah, I dunno hang on a minute, oi Grandad, where were they made? It don't sayThere's some Chinese writing on 'em though.
No, no, no it didn't actually give the maker's name Spiros, but then again the best ones never do, do they? You know what I mean.
Yeah.
How's it going? That's about the 15th.
- Briefcase he's sold? - Phone call he's made.
Yeah, yeah, well I'd get in while the going's good if I was you Spiros, I've only got 25 left! This is a cheeseburger! I asked for an Emperor-burger.
I couldn't afford an Emperor- burger.
He got me a cheeseburger.
I asked him for an Emperor- burger, and he brings me back a cheeseburger! Yes, yes, hang on a minute Spiros.
Will you just hang on.
Look, what's he on about now? He asked me to get him an Emperor burger, but I couldn't afford it so I got him a cheeseburger! Bloody Emperor-burgers and cheese-burgers! I'm trying to do a deal here.
Now shut up will you! No, no, not you Spiros, no, no me old mate.
Alright, how many of these briefcases can I put you down for? Ah, none! Right thanks, great - yeah, alright, see you around I told you the best thing to do with them cases didn't I! Chuck 'em in the river! Chuck 'em in the river! Chuck em in the river! That's our profit you're talking about.
What do you think this is - a ationalised industry? He knows I hate cheese! Will you stop going on about hat rotten cheeseburger, will you! Ah, Dougie Sadler, he owns the stationers in the High Street, he's our boy Rodders! I don't know why he bothers! He's a tryer ain't he! Your Dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top! There again he used to say Millwall would win the cup! Hello Dougie? Del Boy! How's your luck pal? Good! Family? Soooper! Dougie look, I'm phoning about some briefcases! Yeah? Go on, what a choker! last week!! Oh God! No, no, no I'm not tryingNot no sell any no, no, no.
No I wanted to buy some, you see, yeah I've got this, er, contact on the stock exchange.
Yeah.
Em, by the way Dougie, old pal, what were you selling them for? What d'you mean they were rejects? Oh beautiful! We've bought a consignment of rejects! What.
what was wrong with them? Oh I see, yeah, yeah, I mean who'd be daft enough to nick them eh? Yeah, who'd be stupid enough to buy hem? Yeah I know.
I'll pop own and see you next week when you get some more in.
Bye bye Doug.
See you around.
God struth.
Alright, so what's wrong with hem? Open one! What's the combination? No sod knows, that's why hey're rejects! There's meant to be a bit of paper with them, giving you the combination? Yes, there is, it's inside the briefcase innit.
Cock-up at the factory.
Nice going Del Boy! You have bought 25 executive briefcases that can only be opened by professional safe crackers! This makes the one-legged turkey deal look shrewd! Alright, Rodney that's he way I'm made innit eh? You know, crash in and to to hell with the consequences.
He who dares wins! The French have a word for people like me.
Yeah, the English have got a couple of good 'uns an' all! I told you all along not to touch them didn't I? Yeah alright, alright, well it's got nothing to do with you has it! But we're partners! Ain't we? Oh I see, the truth's coming out now.
Well come on Del let's have it out in the open! Then how do you see our respective roles in this 'partnership'? I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts and money, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van! Badly! Or did you see yourself in a different role? Well, yes I did! With my qualifications I saw myself in the capacity of a financial adviser! A financial adviser? Bonjour Trieste, you are beautiful, you are Rodney! Today I'd just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for 175 pounds, when my financial adviser stuck his nose in and advised me to pay 200 pounds.
Right! And having paid the 200 pounds my financial adviser then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now with financial advisers like that who needs a bleeding recession! What kind of financial adviser goes out to buy an Emperor- burger and comes back with a cheeseburger? Will you stop going on about that ruddy cheeseburger! Eat it, will you! Get off him.
It's against the law to force-feed a senior citizen with a cheeseburger and you know he hates 'em!! Well what did you buy it for him for? It's all I could afford!! You make my life a misery, you do.
Here, oi, just a moment! What was the last remark about me making your life a misery? Yeah well, you do Del with your over-bearing, over-protective manner! Let me remind you Rodney that you were a six-year old little nipper when God smiled on Mum and made her die! Two months after that Dad packed his bags and left us to fend for ourselves.
It was me that kept us together, nothing to do with Grandad! He was an out- of-work, lamp-fitter waiting for gas to make a comeback! I grafted 19 to 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table - alright, it wasn't always double legal - but you ate the finest food that was going! All you ever gave me was TV dinners and convenience foods! If it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it.
If you had been in charge of the last supper it would have been a take-away! Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up! Del, look, don't get me wrong - Im, I'm grateful.
I don't want your gratitude, ungrateful little git! I don't know what is the matter with you Rodney.
Sometimes I hesitate to tell people that you're my brother! Well, I always say I'm your social worker! Do you mind telling me exactly what it is that has made your life a misery? Well, you've always treated me like a child! I was the only sixth former in my grammer school who wore short trousers! Yeah, well, I got 'em cheap didn't I? But I was 15, Del.
I was growing hairs and things! My legs looked like Italian footballers! And you'd never let me do anything on my own, would you? You even had to help me with my GCE studies! You passed in two subjects.
I failed in the other eight Del.
I mean you embarrass me, that's why I never bring women home! Oh you know some women do you? Cor, that's a turn up for the book! The only bird I've ever heard you mention was old Shanghai Lil from the art college in Basingstoke.
Even then you had to drug her before you could get your leg over! No I didn't.
What, you didn't drug her or didn't get your leg over? You're suffocating me Del! I'm getting out of this house! I'm going to prove to you I can survive on my own! I'm going to the pub! What to prove you can survive on your own? No, to get legless! I don't need you no more Del, I don't need you for nothing!! I was just, I was just wondering I think he's very much like you Grandad! What, dignified in defeat? No, a ponce! No, no, I'm sure these can't be the ones they're looking for.
No, no, I wouldn't do that to a mate, now would I, eh? No, don't you say nothing to 'em you Wally! I mean you can't trust the Old Bill can you! I mean, look at that time when they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom! Yeah, alright, don't worry, okay.
I'll see you around! Rodney? Where was you first thing this morning? I was out tryin' to sell these things Did you call Rodney? No, I thought I'd let him lie in and sleep his hangover off.
Is he still in bed? No, he's gone! Gone? Packed his ruck-sack and had it away on his toes! What do you mean gone? Where's he gone? Hong Kong.
Hong Kong? What do you mean Hong Kong? Hong Kong.
It's in China.
I know where Hong Kong is! What I want to know is what's Rodney doing there? He said he was gonna hitch-hike there to see that bird from the art college.
Who? Shanghai Lil? But she's in Basingstoke, so what's Master mind doing on the road to Hong Kong? No, that's where she is now.
She got deported after the drugs trial.
Here, just a minute.
What did you do, say or cook for him that was so awful it forced him to leave? It weren't me.
It was that row last night.
He's gone to prove himself Prove himself, no it's just one of Rodney's little games, that's all.
He'd never reach Hong Kong.
He has trouble finding Clapham.
- He seemed determined.
- Well didn't you do anything? Well yeah, I made him some sandwiches.
And he took them? Blimey, this is worse than I thought! No, wait a minute, he ain't got no money! He took his post office book with him.
Can't you go and search for him? He's been gone about seven hours, the farthest he could have got is France.
Oh that's alright, we've got him cornered then, ain't we, eh! Ring up Interpol! Interpol? Interpol? I'd get more joy out of Interflora But he might be in danger.
You could explain to them what Rodney's like.
I'm sorry, I don't know the French for pranny! Hong Kong!! I meanHong Kong! Why didn't he tell me where he was going.
He could have taken these bleedin' things back with him! A2 F2.
Enter, illegal move.
A2, B2.
Enter, illegal move.
This thing still ain't working properly.
That's because you're playing draughts on it.
It's a talking chess game, you can't play draughts on a talking chess game.
Why not? Because you're supposed to play chess on it, that's why it's called a talking chess game.
You've already blown the micro- chip twice trying to huff the rook and what 'ave yer! It's supposed to have an electronic brain? It has got an electronic brain, but it didn't know it was gonna have the misfortune to fall into the hands of a soppy old duffer who wants to play draughts on it, did it? But I can't play chess! Why don't they invent a talking draughts game? Because if they did you'd most probably want to play bloody ludo on it Rodney's back DelLook, he's here.
You hungry Rodney? Starving.
I haven't eaten for two days.
Shall I cook you something? No, no, no, no!! A cup of tea, perhaps! - Old place don't change much.
- No, same as ever! It's really good to be back Del! Don't you think you're over doing the prodigal's return a bit.
You've only been gone six days.
Well, it might seem like six days to you Del, but to me it seemed like more A week? I take it you didn't reach Hong Kong! How far d'you get? - South of FranceSt Tropez.
- St Tropez, oh very mal de mer! Problem.
- 85 in the shade.
- What were the birds like? Mostly French I met one English girl there, Veronica, her father's a millionaire tax exile.
- Tax exile is he? - Illegal move.
Had a boat had he? You know parked out in the bay? A yacht anchored off-shore.
They invited me over for dinner one night! I didn't go though.
Still had some of Grandad's sandwiches left did ya? No, that night I packed my bags and headed home I was homesick you seeI missedthat! You must be joking.
The only people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe! It may not be much to you Del, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty.
You forget that I've got artist's eyes Del.
Yes, you've got pianist's fingersItalian footballer's legs.
You ever thought of applying for a disability allowance? I know you'll never understand what I mean Del, but you've got to suffer paradise before you can realise what you left behind.
Your home, your family Your passport Your passportMy passport!! You knew didn't you? You let me go through all that and all the time you knew! Where did you find it? Top of your wardrobe! We were expecting a visit from the local gendarmes and I thought I'd better check out just in case you'd left any of that exotic tobacco lying about.
No, I knew it was just a moody Rodney.
I told Grandad it was just one of Rodney's little games.
It must be wonderful to be you Del, to always be right! I know.
It gets a bit embarrassing at times.
I'll tell you another thing shall I Rodney? You said that I would never get rid of them briefcases! And you did, didn't you Del? Yes I did! I chucked the bleedin' lot in the river! No.
You threw 'em all in the river? Yep, every last one of them! They floated - that was a bit unforeseen.
Probably rounding Tilbury about now.
well, in this case the Thames! St Tropez! How far did you really get? The Shangri La doss house Stoke Newington! I shared a room with some cholera cultures! Your move.
Well, what do you fancy, shall we go down the pub and act stupid, or shall we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffin? No, best not to go to the yacht, we might bump into those bloody briefcases half-way.