Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e09 Episode Script

Diamonds Are for Heather

Eh, he's good ain't he Del Boy? Yeah, I wish I could say the same about this chicken! Wassamatter with it, tough? Tough - tough! It's the toughest chicken I've ever known.
It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice! Alright, come on, what's upset you? Me? Nothing! Don't worry about me Rodney.
I'm not worried about you.
I'm worried bout the fiver I spent on this ticket! I thought we'd be enjoying ourselves you know - what's the matter? Ah, it's just that - I went round to Lennie Morris's little kid's christening today you know.
There was just this fantastic atmosphere in his front room.
His Mum and Dad were there, and his wife and his little baby, and I thought you know, he's got his family round him! He's got a real family! - And what have I got? - You've got us! Yeah I thought of that - that is when I left! You know that rich bird what he's been seeing lately? Her with the nose.
Well she's just given him the old heave-ho! No? Oh well that explains it all don't it? Del had high hopes of selling some gear to her.
What sort of gear? Well her dad left her a chain of launderettes in his will right.
Del's gone and lumbered himself with two ton of hooky Persil! Oi, oi, don't you say nothing Rodney, he told me in confidence! No, no of course not! Right 'ere you are.
Come on.
Get some of this gut-rot down your neck.
Ah come on Del cheer up, eh? Tell you what, let's have a family sing-along like in the old days, eh? Yeah, alright.
Alright come on then, go on Rodney.
Start us off.
Yeah right, altogether.
'We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried line, have you any dirty washing' Oi Enrico! Enrico! Come here a minute will you.
Si Senor? Listen, do us a favour, will you.
Sing 'Old Shep' for me.
We're trying to enjoy ourselves! You can't enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog! Sing 'Old Shep'! Senor.
Eet ees no possible to seenga thee Olda Shep song! Eet ee - er - howa you say - thee trageec song, si? Eeet makea thee tears falla from the eyes! Go on sing Old Shep! Look, leave it out will you Del Boy I've got a living to earn! That's a killer of a song! Once I've sung that the evening's finished.
Look I'll sing another song for you - any other song - but no way do I sing Old Shep! Sing - Old - Shep! Whena la wasa lad, and Olda Shep was a pup And eefa dogs have a heaven there's one thing I know, old Shep has a wonderful home.
Bravo, bravo Enrico.
Di Stefano my son, di Stefano! That is my most favourite song about a dog that is you know.
Yeah, I mean as songs about dead dogs go it's a real mind-bender ain't it.
The only trouble is nobody likes it! Yes they do.
Yes they do.
I liked it! And that young lady over there, she likes it.
Excuse me gentlemen.
I think I've got a cultural encounter coming on! Del, Del.
While you're over there ask your cultural encounter if she's alright for Persil! - Good evening! - Oh hello! - Do you mind if I park my bot? - No, please.
- A drink? - No thank you.
Well that was - oh sorry - that was a lovely song that ain't it.
Beautiful eh? Always gets me right here that does, yeah.
Always brings back such poignant memories.
Did you have an old dog? Oh, I've had many old dogs in my time.
Er sorry what did you say your name was? Heather.
Heather! Heather, that's a beautiful name, that is.
Heather.
That's one of my most favourite names that, Heather.
My name is Del, it's er, short for Derek! Do you know what the word 'Derek' means? No I don't.
No, nor do I - I'm always meaning to check it up.
I'm very surprised to see a charming young lady like yourself here on your own.
Well I'm supposed to be meeting someone here – a girlfriend.
But she doesn’t seem to have shown up so I was just about to leave.
Well, I don't blame you.
Now he's sung that song, it's stone-dead in here innit eh? Listen I hope you don't think I'm being forward or nothing but I just wondered if you fancied going on for a drink in a little nightclub that I know.
Well I'm not sure.
It's getting home in early hours! Well there's no bother, no.
I can always drop you off! D'you live local? Brixton.
Oh, Brixton - do you really? Oh that's funny that is.
Funny, funny I haven't seen you before because I do a lot of work down there you know in Rorke's Drift.
What line are you in? UmmI'm an importer exporter of quality merchandise - antiques, that sort of thing.
I tend to specialise in Parisienne haute couture fashion, you know and special objets d'art, modern works of art! It sounds fascinating! Oh yes it is.
Oh, it is.
I tell you what.
If you're interested.
I've got some very cheap washing powder.
No straight up.
Sorry about the light.
The landlord took the bulb out, he says he's doing his bit to conserve world energy! That's a rare combination innit? A rent collector and a Friend of the Earth! Oh mind the step.
Well this is it! I told you it wasn't much of a flat didn't I? - Well don't know, could be worse! - Oh yeah? How? Could have been on the top floor! Servir Frais Mois Non Glace, as they would say in France.
True! Very true! I didn't hear you come in! Sorry I'm late love, Del took me on to a nightclub! Only being friendly John, you know what I mean? Oh, Del let me introduce you, this is Brian.
Brian lives downstairs, he's my babysitter.
Oh! Pleased to meet you Brian.
Nice to meet you too.
Well um, I won't stop, I've got some studying to catch up on.
Brian goes away to university soon.
Oh you're a bit long in the tooth for that sort of lark ain’t yer? I'm a mature student! Oh go on? 'Ere my brother went to university.
Oh really? What was he reading? Gawd knows.
Mayfair and Penthouse knowing him! Yes! I see, well I really must be going.
See you in the week Heather.
Bye for now.
Thanks for looking after the place Brian.
I hope he isn’t get on your nerves too much.
No, no, no, I've er, I've got to get used to people like him! No, I meant the baby! Oh sorry! No, no, no he was as good as gold! Bye for now.
Bye.
Mind the step.
I didn't know er, didn't know you had a baby! Well he's not a baby any more, he's nearly three-and-a-half.
There's a picture of him on the mantelpiece.
Blimey he's a big lad for his age ain't he? No that's Vic, my husband! That's Darren.
Cor, he's a little cracker ain't he eh? Where's your husband these days? I don't know - and I don't particularly care! He walked out of here one morning - said he was popping down the Jon Centre to sign on.
That was eighteen months ago! Well the way things are he could still ne queuing! Do you know, when we got engaged Vic had a straight choice between going on holiday with his mates, or buying me an engagement ring.
Did he send you a postcard? Like hell he did! Vic looked after number one! I don't think he was ever meant to be married! He couldn't face the responsibility.
I used to say to him 'Vic' - I used to say - 'you've got a baby now Vic.
Isn't it time you sorted yourself out?' Oh God, I'm sorry Del, there's nothing worse than having your ear bent by somebody else's problems! I'm just tired.
Yeah, well I'd better be off, I've got an early call in the morning.
I've got to get down to er, got to get down to Peckham by seven, pick up a consignment of fire-damaged woks.
Anyway I'll be finished by about ten.
I just wondered whether you might fancy going out for the day somewhere, you know and a spot of lunch, something like that.
Yeah I'd love to.
I'll - I'll see if Brian will baby-sit again.
No, no, no I meant you know - you and the boy! - Are you sure? - Yeah.
Most men don't want to know when they find you've got a baby.
Yeah well, I'm not like most men Heather.
Yeah I'll see you about eleven right, tomorrow? - Yeah alright then.
- Yeah okay then.
Yeah.
- Bye then.
- Bye then.
Tata.
Mind that st That's right come on then Darren kick the ball to your Uncle Del! Good ball - good ball my son.
Now let's see you come out the goal.
This way.
Good boy.
You'll play for England one of these days.
What do you reckon Rodney, Darren could play for England now couldn't he? He's better than that load of rubbish! Right come on.
You'll get in the England side playing like this.
Just have a look at him will yer! He's like a born-again Ovaltinie! I mean he's only known Heather and the kid for what - six weeks, and look at him! I don't know what's got into him.
He spends most of his time on them climbing frames and swings and what 'ave yer! The other day I seen the caretaker telling him off for coming down the slide backwards! Coming down backwards! That's dangerous innit? I mean all his conkers and marbles could have fallen out of his pockets! Listen Rodney, what's the joke? We're just talking about wallies, that's all.
Your name cropped up.
Not so much of it! Here y'are Darren.
And that's another thing! I wish he'd get rid of this sign! I mean whenever I'm sitting in the passenger seat people 'look' at mesorta funny! Oh I wouldn't let that bother you Rodney! No! They most probably just think you're a poof! You must have spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors! My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror! Up until I was four I thought you was twins! If you're trying to wind me up Rodney, it ain't gonna work, no way bruv.
Because tonight is a very, very happy night and a very, very special one for me.
What is it, Cub's night? No it ain't Cub's night.
Well go on Rodney.
How do I look, eh? You look, like a second-hand car trader! Oh, thank a lot Rodney.
Here, that remind me.
You know what we were talking about earlier on, about Heather and Darren coming over for Christmas.
I mean you don't mind do you? 'Cos you like Heather don't you eh? Don't you Rodney, eh? Yeah - she's alright! What about you Grandad? You like Darren don't you eh! He's not a noisy little brat is he? Oh no, he's a good little kid.
Yeah.
'ere Rodney.
How'd you feel about Heather becoming your sister-in-law? Do what? No, no, no, not now! Not immediately I mean, you know, some time in the future! I haven't even mentioned it to her yet – I mean I don't want to jump me guns.
Well, I'm not fussed.
She won't want to come and live here with that noisy little brat will she? No.
No we've applied for a Council house.
Well where's me billy-goat? Oh here it is here.
Right.
That's it.
Well I'm off out then.
I'm taking Heather out for an evening that she will never forget.
You know it's gonna be soft lights, music, champagne, of course the very, very finest of foods, I only hope she likes curry.
Well! I suppose it was always on the cards! I think they'll be happy together, don't you? Oh yeah, she's a good girl - she'll look after him.
Yeah.
And he thinks the world of that kid don't he, eh? And they fit so neatly into his style of living, you know fast foods, ready-to-wear suits, and now he's got an instant family, eh? I'm - I'm pleased for him.
You seem to be forgetting something Rodney.
If Del Boy moves into his Council gaff with his off-the-peg next of kin, who the hell's gonna pay the rent, gas and electric in this place, eh? We'll have a chicken tikka, off the bone, a mutton Madras, a pair of onion bhajis, four popadoms, some nan bread and a couple of portions of rice.
Yes sir.
Which rice would you like? Have you got any Uncle Ben's? No sir.
We have pilaw rice, basmati rice or plain white rice.
Oh, we'll have the pilaw rice, and make sure you take the feathers out first.
Oh and Tony, I want a bottle of your finest champagne, alright son? - Yes sir.
- Thank you.
You're pushing the boat out a bit aren't you? No, I'm always like this hen I've got something to celebrate.
Yeah? What are you celebrating? You sold all those Chinese woks? No, no.
I got a bit lumbered with those actually I'm giving them away with packets of Persil.
.
So what's the champagne in aid of? Christmas.
What is it? Open it, see.
Del! It's lovely! I got it off this mate of mine - Abdul.
He gets a discount at Hatton Garden.
Del, this is an engagement ring? No, it's a set of socket spanners! Of course it's an engagement ring.
I'll change it if you like.
See, I remembered what you said - that you liked solitaire diamonds, so I thought well y'knowthat I'd get her a cluster of solitaires.
No, no it's a beautiful ring Del.
What's up then? It's Vic! Oh is your nose blocked up? No, no it's Vic my husband! Oh! Well what about him? He wrote to meLast week! Oh yeah, last week? You didn't mention it! I know, I've been trying to find the right moment to bring the subject up.
He's living in Southampton.
Got himself a nice flat apparently.
He wants me and Darren to move down there with him! You know, try again – see if we can make it work this time.
Oh yeah well - I mean - you're not gonna believe all that old pony are you! Are you? The thing is Del he is still my husband! He's Darren's father! I owe it to him! Oh come on, don't give me all that Heather! I mean he don't care a monkey's about you and Darren! I mean what did big brave Vic do when the going got heavy, eh? He pulled on his hiking boots and had it away on his toes.
You don't know what he's like Del! I do know what he's like 'cos he's exactly like my old man, that's what he did to me eighteen years ago! It wasn't all his fault! He was unemployed – all he wanted was a regular job.
You've no idea what ort of pressure that can do to a family! Well he's got himself a job now in a department store.
Oh yeah, doing what? He's a Father Christmas! Oh, well that's a steady little number that, innit eh? Free uniform - luncheon vouchers, forty-eight weeks holiday a year! I still love him! What about me? I love you Del, but not in that way! I feel for you the way someone would feel for a Goldfish or a gerbil? No! Like a brother! I feel for you the way you feel for Rodney.
And I thought you liked me! Heather, I thought that you and I had an understanding! Honestly Del, I never knew you felt that strongly I mean, you never said anything.
I'm not a poet Heather! You know, I can't do all that lovey-dovey stuff.
I feel things but when I try to say 'em they always come out - wallyish! I thought it was obvious the way that I felt for you.
What else could I have done? I don't know, a sign, or something.
What like, tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree or something? I leave next Tuesday.
Will you come round and say goodbye to Darren? He really took to you.
You like kids don't you? Yeah! I used to go to school with a lot of 'em! It's a beautiful ring Del.
Thank you.
Normally I'd let you keep it - but I only got it on a week's approval.
I don't really feel hungry any more Del.
I think I'll go.
That's alright, I'll get a taxi! When I was a lad and Old Shep was a pup, O'er hills and vales we