Only Fools and Horses (1981) s03e06 Episode Script

Wanted

What d' you reckon then? They're alright ain't they! Don't 'alf look alike.
They're identical twins! Yeah, which one d' you fancy? I'm easy! Are you sure that's not one bird sitting next to a mirror? No they're sisters or something, they've been here before! G'on then! What? - Say something! - What? - I don't know! Anything! - Like what? Just say the first thing that comes into your head.
It's easy! Alright then, if it's so easy, you say something.
- What? - Anything.
It's easy! Alright then I will.
- Well go'n then! - I will There you are.
- Was that it? - Yeah! You're a right little John Travolta when you get going ain't yer Mickey! They looked didn't they? Of course they looked, someone just shouted 'Oi' at them! Hold up, they're looking over here.
Hello, I think we've cracked it Mickey my son! Watcha Rodders, alright Mickey my son? Who you two after? - Not the gruesome twosome are you? - They're alright! Alright? Look, they're so ugly they even look alike! Del! They happen to be two sisters! Sisters! Oi girls, seen much of Cinderella since the wedding? Cinderella! Ugly sisters.
That's a good 'un innit Rodders, eh? Anyway, look, I won't hang about 'cos I don't wanna spoil your chances! Hello darling! You alright? Are you still working at Sainsbury's? See you.
Just a minute.
- I'll see you Tuesday then? - See you Tuesday! 'You made me love you.
I didn't want to do it' - You okay love? - Who is it? Shall I phone you a cab? No - there'll be a bus along in a minute my lovely! No, no, ain't got no buses going along here.
No, they cut the route in about 1973! I'll get you a nice taxi, eh? No, no, I shall be alright! Careful! - What you doing? - I'm just steadying you that's all! You touched me! I've read about your sort! Hey, hold on, I was just trying to stop you from falling flat on your face! I'll have the police on you! You touched me.
No, I didn't, honest! - Help! - What you doing? Don't shout! - You touched me! - No, no, it's alright 'cos I'm a doctor! - You're not a doctor! - I am, I am really! Alright, say 'ah!' No, not that loud! Bloody hell! Look, I tell you what I'm just going back to the van right, to get a thermometer! Alright listen! Help, help! Rape! Rape! Help! Help! Del Boy, your breakfast's ready! Yeah, hang on a minute! Come on Rodney shake a leg, six o' clock! It's on the table.
Nothing like a traditional British breakfast is there? That's right.
Gordon Bennett.
Why don't you try cooking one every now and then? Blimey, it looks like a bad day at the Blue Cross.
- Were you two alright last night? - Yeah, of course, why? Well, when Rodney came in he was behaving very strangely.
He was all trembling and sweating.
No, he's probably alright, don't worry, it's just the start of the mating season.
No Del - something's up.
Ain’t you eating that? No, Grandad, see I'm on a diet.
Rodney, your breakfast's ready.
- Alright Rodders? - What d'you mean 'alright?' - Nothing - nothing, just alright Rodders? - Yeah, fine why shouldn't I be alright? No reason.
I just said like, alright Rodders.
Like I say, you know, alright every morning don’t I? Yeah, sorry! That's alright, what did you do when you left the pub last night? - What makes you think I did something? - Gordon Bennett! No, I mean, I just asked you like if you went on anywhere? If, you met anyone or anything? No! No, I didn't.
I come straight home.
Didn't meet anyone, didn't talk to anyone, a very uneventful journey! That's alright, as long as you enjoyed yourself! Go on, get that down, come on, we've got to get away early.
Got to pick up the van from the Nag's Head.
Why? Ah, well, when we fell out the pub last night the whole area was teeming with the Old Bill! I mean, they were all there.
There was the Flying Squad, alsatians and the SGB! Anyway, I thought to myself, I thought, there's no way I'm driving home through that lot.
Not with me like being as soppy as a sack, so I, you know, I got a cab! - Did they have a clear description of him? - Who? - The man they were after? - Who said they were after a man? Oh, I just assumed they were looking for someone that's all.
See what I mean? Alright Rodney, come on sit down.
Something bothering you ain't there? No! Has somebody threatened you? If they have, you tell me their name and I'll go and sort them out before we go to the market! It's nothing like that! You might as well tell us sooner rather than later Rodney.
It'll save a lot of time! Oh it's probably nothing! My journey home last night was not as uneventful as I made out! There was this woman! Well, she weren't feeling very well, see! I don't know what was wrong with her but she stunk of booze! So I stopped, right, to ask if she wanted any assistance, and - and she started acting all sort of odd! - Odd? - YeahUm, screaming shouting things! - What kind of things? Oh, things like 'Rape!' you know, that sort of thing! So to try and reassure her and calm her down – I told her I was a doctor! You told her you were a You, you didn't give her a prescription or nothing did you? Oh no, nothing like that! Why was she accusing you of these things? Well, I think 'cos at one point right she - she stumbled forward.
So I put my hands out to stopyou know.
I didn't touch her! Well no, obviously I did touch her, but I didn't, you know, honestly! Alright.
Alright, okay, take it nice and easy right.
This is gonna take a bit of working out! What did this woman look like? Well she was blonde, 45 and her hair had black roots and, purple fingernails and she was really heavily made-up.
- Did she call you 'My lovely? - Yes! D'you know her? No, no, no, you didn't catch her – you didn't catch her name or nothing did you? Oh she was wearing an identity necklace that said something like - Blossom Del, honestly, I did not touch her I swear to God.
- You expect me to believe that? - Yes! Alright, let's go through the facts shall we! After a night's drinking, on your way home you meet a sick woman! And, instead of phoning for an ambulance like any rightminded citizen, you touch her! What do you think you've got, healing hands? I don't believe you're saying this to me!! No, no, no, this is not me Rodney! That is what the council for the prosecution will say during his cross-examination! You don't think it will go to court? Oh it's a pound to a penny Rodney.
I mean, the police don't let matters like this drop lightly! No, Old Bailey would be my bet! The case of the Peckham Pouncer! Who called me the Peckham Pouncer? Look, the police did last night! You see at the time, well, I didn't think nothing of it! Why don't you give yourself up Rodney? I'm not giving myself up! You ever seen some of them detectives give someone the third degree on the telly? Well, one of them pretends he really wants to bet you up bad, right, and the other pretends to be Mr Nice! So it'syou know.
Yeah p'rhaps you're right.
After all, you've got form ain't yer! I mean, you still ain't finished that two year suspended yet! No! I'd forgotten about that! - It's the others what worry me! - What others? Well, last night there were mobs of vigilantes roaming the street and they were shouting things like 'Lynch him! Lynch him!’ At the time, I didn't think nothing of it you know! Well maybe it would be better if I did give myself up then 'cos all they've got is circumstantial evidence.
Circumstantial? A sick woman is attacked at night by a known criminal posing as a doctor! D'you know what they'd call me if I went in the nick? I'd be a beast! A beast? Well, that's what the other prisoners call people like me! Everywhere I went the walls would be whispering 'Beast, Beast.
' There'd be posses of them waiting for me in the shower room, there'd be razors in me soap, there'd be broken glass in me porridge.
Oh you'll soon learn to adapt Rodney! No, it's not fair Del! I swear to God I didn't touch her.
I was only trying to help! Alright Rodney, alright.
Now come on.
Take it easy - relax - alright.
Now listen, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I want to go out, put me ear to the ground, see what I can find out! In the meantime I want you to go and get some kip and, above all, stop worrying! Yeah.
I'm innocent Del.
Honest! - I believe you! - So do I Rodney! .
D'you reckon he done it Del? Leave it out Grandad! All he's done, he's bumped into Blossom that's all! I don't understand you? Well she's well-known for this sort of thing! She's as nutty as a fruit cake.
She spends most of her time in the Happy Home, they only let her out at weekends to get a bit of practice! You mean she's always accusing blokes of doing this sort of thing? Yeah, it's her hobby! She's well known to the police.
But why didn't you tell young Rodney? What, and spoil all the fun? No way.
I'm gonna wind him right up with this! By this time tomorrow evening I'll have him believing that all these flats are under siege! You wanna be a bit careful Del Boy! A joke's a joke but you never know when to stop! What about that April Fool's day! You told me the pools had rung to say I'd won 'alf a million! Yeah that was a belter weren't it! Oh wonderful! But you could have least stopped me going up West with me pension money! Oh it wasn't funny Del.
I mean there was I, in a Soho night-club drinking champagne, with a bird called Camilla and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pools! Stop it! You should have seen his little face! It was a picture.
I wish I'd had a camera! How could he swallow that, eh? Well, you know Rodney don't you.
He said he was thinking of forming an appeal committee! I said you've no need to worry about that.
You ought to form an escape committee I said.
I thought that everyone round here knew what Old Blossom was like - She accused my cousin once! - Who's that, young Sidney? No, Marilyn! There again, Marilyn's always been a bit of a Tom Boy! Oh yeah, it was a crew cut, braces and a pipe last time I saw her! She still up at Greenham Common? Here, you playing Trigger or what? No, I'll be away in a minute! Of course, this Blosom person is completely loopy you know! Oh yes, I don't think they should be allowed out! Oh yeah, why's that? Well they might be a danger to the public! Still selling them second-hand cars Boycie? Oh yeah, I knocked out a couple tod of course, I 'ave heard she receives electroyde treatment, you know.
Oh yes, every three months or so they take her away and plug her head into the National Grid! The lights have been known to dim as far away as Watford! Yeah but they reckon she's as sane as anyone when they're finished! Yeah, until she gets her electric bill! Del - there's a call for you.
Oh excuse me chaps won't be a moment.
Oh Karen, can we have three large scotches - Boycie's paying.
Oh cheers, Boycie.
Hello? Oh hello Grandad! You what What about Rodney? What d'you mean he's gone on the run? Why? Oh leave it off, Grandad it was just a joke! Yeah alright, alright now don't - don't panic, he'll be home when he's hungry and he wants something to eat Oh has he! Alright, alright Grandad, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll go and have a look round for him and I'll be home in about an hour! Yeah, alright, bye.
What's up Del? It's that dipstick Rodney.
He's only gone on the run ain't he.
Reckons he's found a secret hiding place! Where? Well how do I know? If I knew where it was it wouldn't be a secret would it, eh? No, I meant there must be a clue! Yeah, well, he left a note saying it's no good trying to find him 'cos he'd be in the last place anyone would think of looking for him! Have you tried under his bed? He'll be home as soon as he gets hungry! No he won't, Grandad reckons he's taken all the tinned food from the cupboard! So, what are you gonna do then Del? I don't know Trigger, I just don't know! Ain't you got nothing in the freezer then? - Any luck Del? - Na, no sign of him Grandad! Where did you look? I've been everywhere! I've been traipsing round Charing Cross, Soho, Leicester Square! Oh, you want to see what it's like up there in the early hours Grandad! It's like the end of the world! It's full of drug addicts, glue-sniffers, winos! D'you know what, if a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square someone would eat it! Bad night, eh Del? Yeah, very bad.
You know I've been offered everything from 50 quid for me passport to a plate of Magic Mushrooms! - You cooking something? - No! What's that horrible smell then? Sweet and sickly! Oh, perhaps it's this aftershave I've got on! Gordon Bennett! Where d'you get that from? Out of your room! Well, that can't be it then can it! Oh, I know the smell you're talking about.
It was here last night, everyone in the flats was moaning about it! Here, why don't you get some sleep Del Boy! No, I'll be alright Grandad.
I'll have a cup of tea and have another punt round for him! Where can he be? I had a note from him here somewhere, he said he's in the last place you'll ever think of looking! Yeah I know I remember! You have looked under his bed haven't yer? First place I checked! Well he's hardly likely to be in that bloody drawer is he? I'm looking for the note! Now don't you get funny with me Del, this is your fault, you and your silly jokes! I know, I was gonna tell him this morning! Well you could have told him yesterday.
Instead of that you sat there playing your Johnny Cash Live at San Quentin LP! Alright, don't go on at me - don't go on.
I feel bad enough as it is! What is that smell? I've smelt it before somewhere! - I know, so did I.
- When? - I told you! Last night! - No, no, no, before that.
It seems to be coming from the ventilating system! Grandad, go and get them chicken legs at the fridge! I think I know where Rodney's hiding.
Rodney! Rodney, it's Del Boy! Rodney I know you're in here! Rodney don't be a plonker all your life! Listen I can explain everything there's nothing to be frightened of! I've got - got some scotch here, something to eat! Or if you prefer I could get a saucer of milk? Come on, least we can talk about it cant we? - Oi! That is you innit Rodney? - No, it's that cat again! You had me going there for a minute, know what I mean? How did you know I was here? I know a lot of things Rodney! Like I know you've bin smoking your funny fags again! No I ain't Del, honest I ain't touchWell, a couple! I tell you that was the give away you see.
The smell from your exotic tobacco has been wafting down the air ducts! There's not a man, woman or child that isn't high as a kite! You're kidding? No I'm not.
If you stand outside this tower block all you can hear is giggling! Grandad's calling everybody 'Man'.
Thinking of growing his hair in dreadlocks! Is Grandad okay? Yeah he's alright.
Worried about you though.
What are you doing up here? Nothing much! There's not a lot to do in a tank room Del.
I mean you can look at the view but that gets a bit boring after eight hours or so.
In wasn't - wasn't asking about your activities.
I was speaking meteorically.
What you playing at? Playing at! Well, Del this is a little game called 'Not Going to Prison'! The rules are ever so easy you know.
All you gotta do is find yourself a place to hide and stay there till you die! Don't reckon it will catch on Rodney! You could be right there Del, but I'll tell you something, if necessary I will shoot my way out of this room.
Oh so while you've been up here, you've been making a gun have you? Well, I'll throw tins at 'em then! Yeah, well, you could get an empty can couldn't you you know and you could like, splash 'em to death! I ain't had nothing to eat since I've been up here! Why's that, you been too frightened? No, I forgot the tin-opener! Well why didn't you pop down for it! Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin-opener! Anyway, going without food ain't so bad! People like us are used to it! Oh come on.
Don't give me all that James Cagney stuff! 'Look at me Ma! I'm on top of the World Ma! Look I'm in the tank room Ma!' Why don't you shut up! - You hungry? - Yeah.
Here you are.
Get that down your neck.
Oh cheers, Del, great.
Oi, have the police been round to question you and Grandad yet? Er, no! Good! Good! That means they ain't on me trail yet, gives me a bit of time! Yeah, Rodney, I've got to explain something like – well, this is sort of like, confession time! You know that woman you met, Blossom.
- Well she's mad, Rodney! - I'm not with you.
She's mad you know.
She's well-known to the Old Bill.
They don't take no notice of her.
No - you're lying to me.
No, no, I'm not.
No I'm not, look - look, cross my heart, swear to die.
You remember old man Corby, well a couple weeks ago she accused him of assaulting her! Well, I mean, he was so surprised he nearly fell off his wheelchair! Alright then.
Alright then.
You explain this to me then, what were all them police doing outside the pub that night? That was the - that was the mod and the skinheads, they were at it in the kebab house! Terrible scenes, for all I could hear.
I mean there was chairs going through the windows, there was chilli sauce up the wall, then somebody knocked over a frying pan and the staff rest room went up in flames! No, I don't believe you Del, you're just trying to get me to come quietly! No I'm not.
Look go on then, go on - look out - look out there look, go on.
Now, you see the kebab house? No! Exactly, it ain't there no more! What further proof do you need? No Del, I don't understand this! You mean there's been no photofit pictures, no house-to-house searches, no public outcry? No, none at all! Here, look, d'you want some water with yer scotch? No! Then why did you tell me I'd go away for ten years as a special category prisoner, that they'd nicknamed me the Peckham Pouncer? That there were gangs of men roaming the street looking to hang me from the nearest lamp post! For a laugh! A laugh? Yeah, it was just a bit of a wind up that's all? Del, I haven't slept, I'm starving hungry and I've been freezing my - boots off in this tank room because of your wind up! You take things too seriously, that's your trouble Rodney! - I'm gonna kill you! - No, no, no, don't be silly! No, really, I mean it.
I'm gonna kill you right now! Now just a minute! Just a minute.
Alright now, I realise that I took the joke too far! And I should have told you earlier, and I'm - I'm sorry Rodney, I really am! I'm still gonna kill you! I've been all over London looking for you! I've been in more doss-houses than a tramp's vest! So that's where you were going so late that night, eh? I saw you drive off! You saw me.
Why didn't you say something? Del, I'm a desperate man on the run! I can hardly lean out and go 'Ooh oooh, Del!' No, I s'pose you can't.
Listen Rodney, I feel - you know, I feel really sorry for all the aggro that I've caused you.
I'd like to try and make it up to you, let's say I take you out and I buy you a big slap upmeal, eh? Yeah, with the wine, all the works! I mean look at these clothes! That's alright.
Come on I'll buy you a new suit.
Yeah, but then I'd look silly, you know brand- new suit and these dirty old plimsoles! Don't you bloody come it Rodney! Come on, come here.
Come on I'll buy a new pair of rhythm an' blues as well! How's that? Yeah, alright! That's a good boy - good boy, you know it makes sense, don't you! - All in the past, eh? - All in the past cheers! Look at the state of me! Don't worry.
You'll have a nice hot shower when you get down the flat! Oh, I don't fancy standing under that water Del.
Not after what I've been doing in it!