Only Fools and Horses (1981) s06e04 Episode Script

The Unlucky Winner Is...

I love this one.
'Marble Arch at Dawn, by Rodney Trotter, aged 14 and a half.
' Oh! What's this bit? Did you paint something out? Yeah, the Eiffel Tower.
The Eiffel Tower? Behind Marble arch? Is that meant to signify something? Yes.
It signifies that originally it was the Arc de Triomphe, but no one could spell the Arc de Triomphe.
So I thought-I know, I'll stick a double-decker bus going past and say it's Marble Arch.
And it worked.
In fact my art teacher said in my school report he thought it was a master-piece.
So how does it feel to be in the company of a genius? If I ever find out I'll drop you a line! Are you going to pour that or paint it? Rodney, I know I'm going to make myself look very stupid, but does this baked bean label mean anything? Yes, it does! It means Del's been putting all his competition stuff in my portfolio again! What competition? Oh it's his latest line, innit? He's going in for any competition he can get his hands on.
We've had spot the ball, spot the mistake, spot the dog, everything! Oh look at this lot! Spaghetti 'oop labels, crisp packets, Maltesers wrappers! I didn't think Del was the type to go in for competitions.
Oh yeah.
At the moment he's on the verge of winning a brand-new Ford Sierra, a free manicure for a year and a night out with Maria Whittaker.
Where is Del? Oh, both he and Albert have got dates this evening.
Del's seeing some bird called Petula.
He chatted her up at a boot sale.
And who's Albert going out with? Ah, some old dear called Elsie Partridge.
He met her at bingo.
She's a widow I think.
She's got 11 children! Eleven kids! Then her husband got fed up and died.
- D'you like smoked salmon? - Love it.
Good, 'cos they’re smoked salmon sandwiches.
D'you want vinegar? Did you put a plug on the microwave, Rodney? Did you hear something then? It sounded like your uncle.
- Is our microwave 650 watts or 550 watts? - I thought you had a date with Elsie Partridge.
- I have.
She'll be here in a minute.
- Hold on! I thought you was taking her out! And I thought you were taking the girl wossname out! How are you love, alright? Yes, fine, thank you.
I'm not spoiling my evening for you, Rodney.
It's all arranged, I've got a beef risotto for the microwave and a nice bottle of wine in the fridge.
- Sorry about this.
- It's OK.
It's the way it goes.
I know! I could drop Albert a few quid then maybe after dinner he'll take Elsie Partridge down to bingo eh? Then we could be alone.
Oh look at the stare he's left this place in! You wait 'til I get my hands on that little plonker! What are you two doing here? Are you sitting there waiting for your case to come up? We've been sitting here discussing art, that's all.
Oh isn't it funny that every time he discusses art with someone, their buttons come undone.
Right, Rodney, here's the keys to the van.
You can take Cassandra out now.
- We're not going out! - We could go out for a while.
- No, that's alright Cassandra.
We're staying put! - Rodney, could I have a board meeting? Look Petula is coming round.
Well, Cassandra is already here! We are having a cultural evening.
Yes, I know, but Petula's bringing all her gear.
Derek, I don't car if she is bringing her gear! We are staying put! But I'm giving her a yuppy salad, ain't I? I went out first thing this morning and bought her smoked salmon and everything! I don't care what you've bou Alright, we'll go out, then! Good boy! You know it makes sense.
Where's my bottle of wine? Cor blimey! Captain Birdseye’s here and all! I thought you're supposed to be going out with the old woman who lived in the shoe! I am.
She'll be here for dinner in a minute.
Din She's not coming round here too, is she? Oh will, that's handsome that, isn't it? You might as well stay in, Rodney.
We'll have a party! T'riffic! Sorry, I didn't realise! So he's been showing you his etchings, has he? - Yeah, I think he's good.
- Yeah, he's alright, I suppose.
You see, I like a bit more realism in my art.
That's always let you down, Rodney, you see.
What are you talking about? - That's realistic, innit? - Yeah, and it's full! - I said I'm sorry.
- Yeah, but, I mean, look at all the other stuff here.
I mean, take a look at this one for example.
'Marble arch at Dawn.
' what a cock-up that turned out to be.
Rodney's art teacher liked it.
He said he thought it was a masterpiece! No, he didn't! He said he thought it was a mantlepiece! It's alright for you to laugh.
He nicked my bottle of wine.
Stop moaning about your bottle of wine, you old git.
Anyway, Rodney didn't mean to 'af-inch it.
Look, he's in love.
You know we've got to learn We've got to learn to be a bit more understanding, you see.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
It was only a cheap bottle of wine anyway.
Now thenEre, that dipstick's only had my smoked salmon away an' all, ain't he, eh? I'll get my hands on him! Don't have a go at him in front of Cassandra.
You'll just embarrass the boy.
Perhaps you're right.
I'll wait 'til she's gone, then I'll kick him up the jacksy! Any letters for me this morning? No, just a couple of bills.
Nothing from them dopey competitions of yours.
You won't be calling 'em dopey when I win, will you? How can you win? You don't post your entry 'til a couple of days before the closing date.
No, because that ensures that my entry will get to the top of the pile! You know, you've gotta think about these things, haven't yer? There's a competition on the back of them cornflakes.
You can't win the raffle if you don't buy a ticket.
Listen, I'm expecting Monkey Harris to come round in the morning.
He's expecting a load of them Italian shirts from Malaya the end of the month.
Tell him I'm not interested.
But you are? I know that.
But don't let him know that.
Otherwise he'll expect a fair price, won't he, eh? I'll get it.
What's that, another competition? - Yeah.
Don't worry, I'll win this one.
- What have you got to do? I dunno yet.
Oi, it's Albert's old bird.
Uncle, your date is ere.
What an old dragon! You saucy git, that's Petula! - Right, there you go, love.
- Thanks.
Oh sorry, Cass, I've sort of lost me appetite a bit.
- Why, what's wrong? - Nothing.
I was just sitting here thinking about us.
- And it's put you off your food! Thanks, Rodney.
- No, no, I didn't mean it like that.
- We're pretty close, wouldn't you say? - Sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.
I mean, we get on really well.
- We have our moments.
- Well, it's them moments that's worrying me.
You see, I've got a bit of a dilemma.
I think maybe I ought to discuss it.
- Fire away.
- Well, look, we're both responsible, mature adults.
Oh that's it, forget it! Bloody fair, eh? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird … - …and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me.
- They've got no respect these days.
- They've got no respect these days.
- You fought in a war, didn't you? I fought in a war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom.
And what do they do with their freedom? - Anything they bloody like! - Anything they bloody like! Unpack that box and put some of them shirts in the suitcase, will you? - Oi, is that for me? - No, it's addressed to Rodney.
Oh well, same thing.
Let's see what he's been gettin' through the post.
Now then 'Dear Rodney Trotter, thank you for your contribution to bla bla We are pleased to tell you Well, stone me! - What's wrong? - Well, d'you remember that competition I sent off? - You've sent off hundreds of 'em! - The Mega Cornflakes competition.
What about it? Well, what they wanted you to do, you had to draw or paint a world-famous land-mark, right? Well, world-famous landmarks are not my speciality; I'm more of a portrait man meself.
So, just for a laugh, I sent off the old 'Marble Arch at Dawn' in Rodney's name, and guess what? - He's only won! - You're pulling my leg! No, no, look, straight up! Have a butcher's at that, look.
They're giving away ten top prizes of a week's holiday in the Mediterranean and Rodney's copped for one! I always said that was a good painting, didn't I? I mean, it's the realism, you see, that's always been Rodney's strength.
I'm well pleased for the boy.
He's never won anything in his life.
No, only a couple of 'Ugly Bird' contests when he was younger.
And look where they're sending him - Mallorca! 'A luxury suite in a five-star hotel, a la carte menu and a week's spending money for the winners and their guests.
' Their guests! Their guests! Of course it's always been a holiday for two, innit? I could do with a break! Of yes, a bit of sunshine'll set me up a treat.
- That's strange! - What is? - Have you read page two? - Well no, not yet.
- Well, I think you'd better.
- Oh no! I don't believe these wallies! You know me, son, I never interfere.
But I think it's only right to tell the boy.
Yes, what we have here, Uncle, is a case of je ne sais pas pourquoi.
- What's that mean? - Well, roughly translated it means… 'He who sticks his nose into a beehive will get more than a nostril full of honey!' - Do I make myself clear? - I'm saying nothing, son.
- I suppose I'd be better be getting off.
- What are you and Del up to today? He's picking up a gross of Italian shirts off Monkey Harris and I'm down the market selling kiddies' dolls.
- I won't always be doing this.
- Doing what? Well, selling crap down markets.
I'll get my diploma in computer science soon.
Then things will change.
You don't have to prove anything to me, you know Rodney? Well, you've got a good job in a bank, ain't yer? Your dad's a successful businessman and me, well, I'm an apprentice fly-pitcher! I mean, let's be fair, Cass, a girl like you, she could marry some really rich good-looking bloke.
If I was to meet a handsome, wealthy young man and he asked me to marry him, d'you know what I'd say? What? I'd say, "Ciao, Rodney!" And you wouldn't see me through the tinted windows on his Porsche.
- But until that time I'm happy to drag along with you.
- So you're not just saying that? No, honestly.
And there's me fretting, eh? I've been going out with you longer than I went out with any of my other boyfriends.
- And do you know why? - 'Cos they all packed you in? - Right! And because I love you.
- Oh! Well, I love you too, Cass.
What a load of old cobblers! - It makes you wanna throw up! - Why do you always come to this pub? It's the atmosphere, I suppose.
- Rodders! - Yeah, on me way now, Del.
Michael, a bottle of your best champagne please! Have I got news for you, bruv.
You, Rodney Trotter, have only won a competition! - Alright, what is it, a wind-up? - No, no, this is God's-honest.
Look, there it is, in black and white.
What can't speak can't lie! Look at that, look at that! I don't believe this is happening to me! Bloody 'ell! - Oh sorry! - That's alright.
Where's the other page? - Well, it says: 'please turn to page two'.
- Ah, yes, that's alright, no I've left that at the flat.
- It's not a mistake? - No, it's all pukka and above all I just phoned them up! They're expecting to see you in Mallorca! They wanna take publicity photographs and everything.
You're gonna be on the back of millions of cornflake packets! - Am I? - Yeah, you and the 9 other winners, yeah.
A Mediterranean holiday, eh? I've never won anything before in my life, have I? No, apart from them 'Ugly Bird' comp No, he's never won anything in his life.
You clever old thing! I didn't even know you'd been in for a competition.
Well, no, it was Del, I never went in for this competition! No, no, I did it for you.
It was a painting competition, you see, so I sent of the old 'Marble Arch at Dawn', and it's come up trumps! What did the other page say? It's all that sightseeing and excursions and all that sort of thing.
'Ere listen, I'll get the champers, alright? A holiday in Mallorca, eh? Will you miss me? Bound to.
But I expect I'll find something to replace the excitement of your presence - you know, - …knitting, something like that.
- Can you get a week off work? - Yeah, I'm owed some holidays.
- Right! What about your parents? I thought it was only a holiday for two.
You know what I mean.
How are they gonna feel about you coming on holiday with me? - Rodney, my parents like you, they trust you.
- Do they? I'm not sure I like that.
Here we go.
There we go.
I'll tell you what, Rodders, we'll be having champagne for breakfast every morning when we get to Mallorca.
And all down to Larkin.
I'll tell you what.
I just can't wait to get there.
Er well, thing is, Del.
Come on, drink up, 'ere come one.
Cheers! Celebrate! Cheers.
It's just that, you now, this holiday is for two, and I I was thinking No, no, no.
It's not for two! It's for three.
For nothing! - Three? - Yeah.
You sure? 'Course I'm sure.
I read itit was on the second page that I treI left in the flat.
Three's a funny number, innit? Oh yeah, three's very funny.
Always has me in stitches, this three.
What I mean is, these things are usually done in twos, ain't they? I mean, you see it on the telly, don't you Bob's Full House, The Price Is Right and all that game - a holiday for two! So why's this one for three? I don't know.
You get on the blower to the Cornflakes people, ask them! Maybe it's 'cos it's Mega Flakes.
You know? They do everything bigger.
There you are, see, she's cracked it.
I'll tell you what this means, Rodney.
It means that Cassandra can come with us, eh? - Yeah, hadn't thought of that.
- Thank you.
Love to.
Yeah well, what is it eh? Just - what three weeks to the off? Just enough time to get us some new clothes.
You get your bikini-line sorted out, and then we're off! - Lovely Jubbly! - Yeah great! Three people? Yes, three, Rodney, just three, three.
Just don't keep on about it, alright? - Excuse me.
- Oh right.
- Look.
I'll see you later, OK? Take care.
- I'm just going to the ladies.
Sorry! I thought you was going You wally! Shut up.
Look, I’m glad she's gone, I want to have a little chat with ya, you know? - I've got a bit of a problem.
Well, it's more of a worry.
- What? Is it about the holiday? Well, yeah, sort of.
Holiday's heightened my concern, you know? Made the problem a little more urgent sort of thing.
- What is it, then Rodders? - Well, it's - What, Ford Escorts? - Eh? No Oh I see bruv.
You don't have to worry; they're not really that size in real life.
I know that! God I know they're not that bloody 'ell! What I mean is, me and Cassy, are getting closer all the time, you know? - Well, I mean, we haven't done nothing yet.
- No? I thought you was on the firm with it.
No, no, no, it's nothing like that.
But you, wee you know let's face it, with the best of intentions these things can get beyond our control.
- Yeah.
It's way beyond mine bruv.
- Exactly.
So I feel that in this day and age… …what with what's happening in the world, it is every responsible adult's duty to, well - Go equipped? - Well yeah, if you like.
Yeah, well, no that's very wise and mature of you, Rodders, that is.
So what's the problem? - Well I I keep going to buy 'em - Yeah, go on Well, there's a sort of stigma attached to 'em.
No, that's just a piece of silver foil.
You chuck that away.
I don't know why I ever involved you in this.
I mean, well in this day of AIDS and all the warnings on the telly and in the press and all that, people are still embarrassed to go and buy 'em.
I mean, me, I seem to think that it's only seedy little blokes do it.
Will you get 'em for me? On your bike! Get 'em yourself! Come on.
I mean, I keep going to get them but every time I go into the shop it's either a lady serving me or me bottle goes! Look at this.
This morning I bought four combs, a tub of Vick and a film for a Kodak Instamatic! Yeah, but they sell them everywhere these days.
You can get 'em in the in the butcher's, the bike shop, in Patel's Multimart - they're by the phonecard counter.
They even had a machine in here you could get 'em in once.
You know, except it got jammed with a Drachma.
Does Cassandra know about this, have you discussed it with her? Well, of course I haven't! What d'you think I? She's coming back! Alright? Want some more champagne? No, I've got to get back to work in a minute.
I'll stick with the fruit juice.
I'll get you some, I'll get you one.
What I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship.
- What about it? - Well, when one is in a situation like ours - one - Or in our case, two.
- Or in our case two.
Should be careful.
- Careful of what? - That we don't become three! Oh! I see what you mean! Yeah I do hope you don't think I'm being a bit presuming.
I just thought, well, we are going on holiday together and, you know, in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom and, well, sharing the same hotel suite, our relationship could - well, who knows? – ascend to a more physical plane.
- Yes, I suppose so.
- Yeah? Well, who knows what might happen? You haven't been discussing this with Del, have you? - Well no, course I haven't, no.
What d'you think I am? - Good.
Oi, Rodders! You're in luck.
Mike's had a new machine fitted in the gents.
I'll get you some change, Rodney.
Where are they then? - Well the courier said, meet at the desk.
- There it is.
Right! Pour the sangria, Jose, we have arrived! Just a minute, hang on.
Listen, just before you go and check in… this prize ain't quite as straight-forward as it seems.
Rodney did win, didn't he? Oh yes, yes, yes.
Oh yeah, well, it's all pukka and above board and all that.
I mean, we're here, ain't we? We've got all the tickets and everything, yeah.
So what's the problem? - That's strange, you know.
- What? Well, I noticed it on the plane but it didn't sort of register.
They're all mums and dads.
They've all brought their kids with 'em.
What's strange about that? Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney.
It's the kids.
What do you mean? Well, Rodney's painting won first prize – in an under-15-year-old category.
- Say it again! - So they think Rodney's 15? - Is that right? - No.
They think you're 14.
Fourteen? They think I'm 14? Why didn't you tell me this back in England? Well, I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday.
Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith.
I mean, I didn't know there were lots of categories.
But it was you - not me - you were the one that wrote on it 'Rodney Trotter, aged 14 and a half.
So the organizers must have put you in the kid's category.
So it's your fault that you wrote on it.
But how was I to know that in 12 years' time you were going to enter it for a cornflakes competition? Well, how was I supposed to know that you'd win, eh? 'Ere, it doesn't matter.
Now, come on, come on, you're gonna waltz through it.
Waltz through it! How the 'ell am I gonna pass for 14? - Will you stop doing that, Cassandra? - Sorry.
Act your age.
This is your fault.
I'm gonna break your bloody neck! Just look, just look over there look.
Some of those lads, look, they're over six foot tall.
they look much older these days than they used to.
And you've got the added advantage of your boyish good looks.
That's why there was three tickets, innit? One each for Mummy and Daddy and one for the sprog.
Well, you can't expect 13- and 14-year-olds to go abroad on their own, can you? And what exactly is your role in all this? Well, when the cornflakes people phoned up they said that you had to be accompanied by your parents.
So I said - and I don't know why I did it, I must have been flustered at the time… - I said that I was your dad.
- My dad! Did you hear that, Cassandra? And who the hell am I supposed to be? His mum? God, please tell me this is a bad dream! Pretend, Cassandra, you're only pretending aren't ya? I mean you don't have to check behind his ears or pick him up from school, or nothing like that, have ya? - I think we should go and tell them the truth - Just a minute, dopey, just a minute! We're here, now, aren't we? If we all keep schtum we can have a lovely free holiday.
But if they find out we're lying they'll chuck us out the hotel.
And if they find out we're telling them the truth, they'll chuck us out of the hotel.
Now return flights are not for another week, so what we gonna do? They'll probably stick us in one of those Spanish half-way homes.
Del, at some point they are gonna realise I am not 14.
Yeah, but we'll be back in the hotel by then, won't we? There'll be nobody there to ask questions? Come on, we're on holiday, eh? Well, whatever else it turns out to be, it's an experience.
Good girl, good girl, that's right.
You know it makes sense, don't yer? That's it now come on, then, come on, let's get over there and check in, come on.
- Don't forget to act a bit mumsy, alright? - What d'you mean, mumsy? I don't know, just a bit mumsy.
Come on.
We'll be leaving in about five minutes, OK? It's only a half-hour journey to the hotel, so we should be there in plenty of time for lunch.
- Sorry, the Trotter family.
- Oh, Mr Trotter, good.
We've been waiting for you.
Alan Perkins.
Pleased to meet you both.
Right, here are your rosettes Mrs Trotter, Mr Trotter, and this one's for young Rod He's a big lad, isn't he? Yes, his late mother was a very tall woman.
Six foot three.
- Really? - Oh yes.
Oh well, here's your badge, Rodney.
You are now a life member of the Groovy Gang.
- The what? - The Groovy Gang.
It's just an idea we came up with to help the kids feel really part of it.
Every time one of the organizers says, 'Are you having fun?' all you kids shout, 'Groovy'.
Well, don't worry, don't worry.
He'll soon get the hang of it.
- Yes, fine.
Well, we'll be off in a moment.
- Yes thank you.
I don't believe this is happening to me! We'll be on the coach in a minute, be at the hotel in half an hour and then you're free to do what you want.
Nice, and easy bruv, nice and easy.
- OK! All the members of the Groovy Gang over here.
- Oh no! We're all going to the hotel on the Fun Bus.
Not with all the old fogies.
Old fogies! That's sauce, eh? - You're enjoying this, ain't yer? - I'm just playing along with them.
Mums and dads, if you'd like to follow me, the coach is just outside.
We've laid on a little welcoming reception back at the hotel.
I'm sure that none of you would object to a glass or three of sangria.
That's lovely, Alan.
Go on, then, Rodney, go on, off you go.
You're going with the Groovy Gang! I don't want to be with the sodding Groovy Gang! - Come on, Rodney, don't let us down now! - They're looking over here.
- I'm still waiting for a Rodney Trotter.
- Over here, sweetheart! Here he is.
Come on, Rodney don't be Hurry up, Rodney! - I'm not going.
- Is he not a good mixer? A good mixer? He's like a Kenwood Chef when he gets going.
Come on, Rodney don't be shy.
You'll soon make friends.
We're all gong out for a jumbo hamburger and double French fries.
- That's his favourite.
- Don't get any ketchup down your shirt.
Et tu, Cassandra? We'll see you back at the hotel, then, Rodders, alright? Come on then, come on darling.
Don't push your luck, Derek.
- Do you like Bros? - No.
- All together, are you having fun? - Groovy! That's better.
Let's go.
"Here we go, here we go, here we go" Alright? It's really nice here.
I've just been down to reception I've bought us some Spanish state lottery tickets.
I filled one in for you and everything.
I bought some for you and some for Rodney and there's some for me.
I'll put yours here, there you go.
Never know your luck eh? We're on a winning roll, ain't we? Tell that to poor Rodney.
Oh look, don't keep going on about it.
You're gonna spoil the holiday, you are! Listen, have you had a look round? What's here? Oh that's very nice.
That must be Rodney's room.
It's got a picture of Prince on the wall.
If that's Rodney's room, where am I supposed to sleep? Well I thought that you and Rodney No, maybe not.
I'll sleep in there.
You and Rodney can have the honey-moon bed.
Alright, alright, anything you say, sweetheart, anything you say.
I just thought it might be a bit strange when the old maid comes in.
You know, see me and old Rodney tucked up on the king-size.
It would look even stranger if she found Rodney sleeping with his step-mother! I never thought of that.
I'd better go and cancel breakfast in bed.
Do you want me to take that picture of Prince down off the wall? Just leave it, Derek.
You've done enough for Rodney and I as it is.
Oh look, I thought the cornflakes people would leave us alone to enjoy our holiday.
I didn't know they were going to conscript Rodney into the Groovy Gang.
I mean, why would they do that? Mr Perkins explained it to us.
It's so the youngsters won't get bored and parents can have a rest.
I won't see him all week, will I? Yes, of course you will.
He's bound to get a spot of leave.
Look, there he is! There they all go now.
Hey, Rodney, don't go mad! They just went down over that hill there.
- That was quick, wasn't it? - They were on skateboards.
Rodney was the leader, he was right out in front.
Leader of the pack.
Oh my God! - May I come in? - Yes, come in.
Hello, Mrs Trotter.
- Good afternoon, Carmen.
- Is Rodney here? - No, he's not here at the moment.
- Oh he's still out enjoying himself.
Well, it's just to let him know about the junior disco on Wednesday night.
But I'll come back later and see him then.
Bye for now.
- Did you hear that? - Rodney likes a little dance.
- It's a junior disco.
- Well, alright, we'll say he's ill.
- Oh what, more lies? - No, that'll be the truth! When we tell him, he's bound to be a bit Tom and Dick.
Listen, I'm gonna have a wash then we go down and get something to eat, alright? But what about Rodney? Oh that's alright.
We'll pick him up down there somewhere.
- Yes, just look for the nearest sandpit.
- Vey funny.
- What have you been doing? - I've been skateboarding, Cassandra.
Oh I see.
- Where's Del? - He's having a wash.
- Derek? - Is that you, Rodders? Yes, I'm back.
Could you come out, please.
I'd like a word with you.
Won't be long, bruv.
- No, could you come out now? - No, I've got me pants off, Rodney! - Well, it's quite urgent, Del.
- Alright.
Give us five minutes, I'll be with you.
- Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.
- What bad language? Get out here now, you dipstick! I'm going to kill you! - What's up with you? - I'll tell you what's up with me Thanks to you I am now a 26-year-old man who just came second in a skateboard derby! Second? You were in the lead when I saw you! - I fell off! - I told you not to go mad.
I also have a 13-year-old Bros fan called Trudie who's got the hots for me.
And tomorrow I start the first of three cycling proficiency lessons and I'm gonna kill you! - Calm down, Rodney! You're acting like a big kid.
- Git! I'm not coming out 'til you've simmered down a bit.
Well, I'll wait.
I don't care if it takes all bloody week.
I'm gonna get you, Derek Trotter, I'm gonna get you! - Have you seen the view? - No! - Would you like a drink? - Strychnine, please.
Ice and lemon? - That's where I come off.
Poxy lizard! - Shall I clean it up for you? - No.
- It could turn septic.
- Is that Trudie waving at you? - Yeah.
- You calmed down yet? - Git! Veinites, alright veinites.
Rodney, do you think if I knew this was gonna happen that I would allow us to come over here? Well, of course you would! 'Cos you don't give a toss about anybody else as long as you're having a good time.
Oh, that hurts, Rodney! No, that hurts! That's like a knife going right through my heart, that.
I may be many things but I'm not selfish.
Cheers, darling, thank you very much.
Anyway, they probably fixed up all the entertainments today to make you feel at home.
- Most probably the rest of the week is your own.
- Oh no.
I was given the full itinerary.
Tomorrow after my cycling lesson, we're off to the splash 'n' slide.
Then Wednesday in the morning we're going go-karting.
Then in the afternoon we have a ping-pong championship.
Then on Thursday me and the rest of the Groovy Gang are out all day painting Palma Cathedral.
- What, in matt or vinyl? - You're enjoying every bloody minute of this, ain't you? No, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm just trying to lighten the atmosphere.
Honestly if you keep up this mood you're going to ruin this holiday for us.
- Listen to me, you git.
- Arguing's not going to help! That was you, innit? I bet you told him about the junior disco, didn't ya? - Junior disco? - I didn't say a word.
I ain't going to a junior disco! It's alright, Rodney, it's alright, you don't have to.
Me and your stepmum have sorted it all out.
We're gonna say you've got gutache! - Oh no, don't say I'm ill! - Why not? They've got a great fat nurse to look after us! But you like a bit of uniform, don't you eh? Yeah, but you want to see her.
She'd have to go on a diet to get into the Roly-Polys! God, what a choice eh? I can either have all day with Trudie in me earhole going on about Matt and Luke or I can have a belly-rub by Sister George! - Tricky one, bruv! - You are enjoying this, ain't you? No, I'm not! You're deliberately saying things to annoy Rodney, aren't you? Alright, I won't say another word! I'm just gonna go out and have a walk around the town, alright? - I didn't know you liked uniforms - No, no, it's just him mucking about.
- Is Rodney back yet? - Come in.
I'll give him a shout.
Rodney, the Arkela is here! We just thought we'd take the opportunity to check your passports.
What d'you want to check our passports for? It's simply Spanish regulations.
Immigration laws.
I'm sure you understand.
Do you know where our passports are, dear? Oh yes.
I'll just get them.
- My date of birth's on my passport.
- It's alright, don't worry, I doctored it.
Oh thank You've done what? It's alright it was only written in biro so I altered the last two numbers to make it look as though you were born in 1975.
Right? - I don't believe - Here they are.
Well, everything seems to be in order.
Sorry to have bothered you.
Rodney, don't forget about the junior disco on Wednesday night.
We start at 7:30.
It's great fun.
We have break-dancing and spot prizes.
Listen, I reckon we ought to keep our heads down for a while, alright? I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll order some room service for us.
I mean, we're alright now, ain't we? Why don't you go out for a little while? You know you look like you could do with a bit of fresh air.
I do feel, a bit claustrophobic! Well I'll leave you two alone, then, shall I? Oh, Rodney? They're in my flight bag! Listen, you two better go.
I'll see you later, alright? Alright? No! I thought Rodney and I would be spending a romantic week together.
That's charming, isn't it? He'll lose Brownie points for that one.
Still seems to be enjoying himself, don't he? Rodney's not enjoying himself! Last night he cried.
Why do you think he's carrying on with this pretence, eh? Certainly ain't doing it for me, 'cos if me and Rodders had been ere on our own we'd have been out on that street ten minutes after landing! He's only doing this for you, sweetheart.
Really? Would I lie to you? He only wants to see you having a good time.
He wants to see you enjoying the sunshine.
He's only trying to make you happy.
So the least you can do is put on a smile, and show that his sacrifices have not been in vain.
I didn't realize.
Well there you are.
Didn't want to tell you but, you know, you forced me hand.
Oh, here he is.
I'll be back in a minute! Having fun? Groovy! Ah, you didn't get me a drink then? Well, not to worry, I'll get my own.
Don't get stroppy about it.
Can I have a large Bacardi and coke, please? And an orange cordial with ice and a straw, please.
Del, I'm gonna tell them the truth.
I don't care if they do chuck us on the street, I just don't care.
That's alright.
Go on, go on.
You just think of number 1.
What about that poor one, eh? She's having the time of her life on this holiday.
- You are not talking about Cassandra? - Yes, we are.
She just told me.
But last night she told me she hated it! She said she'd rather be self-catering in Beirut! She's only doing that for you.
'Cos she thinks you got the 'ump because you had to go into these ping-pong championships and hamburger-eating contests.
She's only backing you up.
But secretly she's really enjoying herself.
Go on, you go and ask her.
I didn't know that.
No, well I didn't want to tell you but, you know, you forced it out of me.
You come and ask her then.
So, you enjoying yourself? Yeah, I'm having a great time.
You? Yeah, cosmic.
I wish we were staying here for a fortnight.
You enjoying yourself, Del? Not bad I suppose.
I'll be with you in a minute sweetheart! Promised to take them two girls to a nightclub.
I may be back late.
It's the finals of the break-dancing championship.
- God! - D'you fancy watching? Watching? I'm in it! John! Juan.
Can I have a pina colada with ice and Alka Seltzer? - Where have you been? - Sorry, dear.
I have been out all night.
You know you said we was on a winning roll? - It weren't a roll, my son, it was a bloody avalanche! - I'm not with you Rodney.
- Sorry.
- It's OK.
- What are you going on about Rodders? - We've won.
- What, the break-dancing contest? - No! You know those Spanish lottery tickets you bought? We've won! - You're winding me up! - No, No, look.
Carmen gave us this paper to swat the flies with.
Cassy did Spanish at school and she noticed the result.
- Bloody hell! - It's a million pesetas, Derek! A million? You know what this means, don't you Rodney? We're millionaires! What have I always said over the years? You've always said it! - Yes, this time next year - We'll be millionaires! But it's only a million pesetas.
Only! I don't care if it's pesetas, potatoes or Hungarian luncheon vouchers! We're rich! "If I was a rich man" - Hold on, hold on! Ah, we're in Spain! - I know.
- Yeah, but we're foreigners! - So? Well, there might be some, some Spanish law saying foreigners can't pick up Spanish kitties! Then why did the man sell you the tickets if he knew you couldn't win? Maybe 'cause he wanted to make more commission, didn't he? Oh no! Come on, Del, not even you would My God, they've got a rule! I just know they've got a rule! Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you everywhere! I've just heard the marvelous news.
Congratulations! Just do us a favour.
You just have to double-check that for us, will ya? No doubt this is the winning ticket.
If you like I'll ring the regional office of the lottery organizers and stake your claim.
We were worried because we were foreigners, you see.
How do you mean? Is there a rule that says non-nationals aren't allowed to win the lottery? I don't believe so.
We sell tickets here in reception to guests from all over Europe.
Can you check the rules for us? They're on the back there somewhere.
They're all written in Spanish or something! It says, "Non-citizens of Spain must present their passport and any necessary visa documentation with their winning ticket when making a claim".
You've just won a million pesetas! Oh dear! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! What's the matter, Alan? I don't quite know how to break the news.
I'm afraid you can't claim a penny of this money, Mr Trotter.
Hold on, we've got the winning ticket! We've checked these numbers a hundred times! Yeah, you just double-checked it yourself, haven't ya? Yes, the numbers are correct.
It is the winning ticket, alright.
The problem is it's got Rodney's name on it.
You see, under Spanish law nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to gamble.
- But he is over 18.
Here! - I've seen his passport it states quite clearly he was born in 1974! No, no.
I can prove it.
Cause I got my student card on me, it's got my date of birth on it! - And it's got an official stamp on it! - Yeah! Look, listen, right! Rodney Trotter, born 2nd of November 1974.
It's only money bruv, innit? God, look at the time, do you remember, I just gotta go - No come here! - I just gotta NVL