Only Fools and Horses (1981) s06e06 Episode Script

Little Problems

So then the obstetrician takes me and Marlene into this room and they've got a scanning machine, you know, one of them things they can see right inside the womb.
Suddenly on this monitor screen we saw this shape.
It was amazing.
What was it? It was a baby.
What do you think it was, a Cornish pasty? I mean, was it a boy or a girl? I don't know.
They don't give you a close-up! But I could just tell by the proud way it held its head that it was my child.
Blown all them rumours to bits then, ain't it? Yeah, that's right.
The doctors What rumours? Well, a lot of people thought Marlene was imagining it, you know, like a phantom pregnancy.
Oh no, I've seen the proof.
It's all pukka.
'Course there's still a long way to go; the baby's head is not yet engaged.
But Rodney Trotter is.
Look at him, poor little sod.
If he's like this now, how's he gonna be like come the wedding? I've heard two of the bridesmaids are Samaritans.
Come on, cheer up, son.
It ain't the end of the world.
So you've failed some silly little exam.
I did not fail some silly little exam.
You didn't pass, did you? It happened to be an extremely important exam.
If I had passed that I would now have a diploma in computer science.
It would have been the foundations of a real career.
Instead of which I have all the prospects and future of a Sinclair C5.
I just wanted to be somebody in Cassandra's eyes.
With that diploma I could have applied for a proper job.
Look on the bright side, son.
You'd have most probably failed the interview.
I've already passed the interview.
How d'you mean? You promise you won't say a word to Del? Cassandra's dad's offered me a position in his company.
See, he's expanding the computer section and he wants me to help run it.
'Course, he was under the impression that this diploma exam was a foregone conclusion.
Who told him that? Me.
But that's not the only thing.
See, me and Cassandra, we found this really nice flat.
It's really nice, you know, it's modern, everything.
The only thing is we've got to put down a six-grand deposit.
Cassandra is taking 2,000 out of her savings, her mum and dad are giving us two grand as a wedding present and it's up to me to find the other two.
Where am I gonna find 2,000 pounds? With my savings and salary we'll be lucky if we get a weekend in a time-share tent.
It was gonna be so good until that bloody exam.
You can do one of two things, Rodney.
You can go down the council and see if they've got a place or you can sell your share of the business to Del for 2,000 pounds.
That's not a bad idea, Unc.
I hadn't thought of that.
Yeah, I'll go down the council this afternoon.
Look at this.
What have I got? Executive mobile phone, solid state of the art.
You can phone someone from the top of a mountain with one of these.
It's all to do with statellites or something.
They normally retail at £199.
99.
I got them for 25 nicker each.
Where'd you get them from? You know that Mickey Pearce and Jevon? They started trading, you know, so I said I'd help them out.
I've got a hundred of them.
A hundred? Well, that two thousand five hundred pound.
I didn't know we had that sort of money in the firm.
No, no, no.
I've got them on sale or return, haven't I? What I don't sell I return.
Lovely Jubbly.
So how did it go last night? How'd you mean? Well, down at the night school.
You got the results of the exam.
Mr Jamille said he hadn't had a chance to look at everyone's work yet.
You've passed, Rodney.
I can feel it.
With your diploma and my yuppy image we're on our way up and to celebrate the occasion I've just been down the printers and I have ordered 200 of these – Trotters Independent Traders headed notepaper.
This'll let them know we're around.
What's all those initials? Modern business people only speak in initials, don't they? You've got FT, Financial Times, BA, British Airways, GLC, General 'Lectric Company.
And we've got a list of company directors and all that.
Oh yeah, you and me.
What's these initials after my name? DIC.
No, that is Diploma in Computerisation, Rodney.
It's got impact, they'll see our high profile coming a mile off.
Del, thanks to your high profile we now have a company called TIT and a director with DIC after his name.
No, no, no.
That stands for Trotters Independent Traders and DIC is Diploma in TIT.
I see what you mean Rodney.
I'll better get on to the printer's on my executive mobile phone.
- Compliments of the stud.
- Who is that? It's Boycie.
Alright? Cheers.
Mike, come and have a look at this.
An executive mobile phone.
I can let you have this for what I paid - 40 nicker.
- Forty eh? Nice-looking model.
- It's top of the range.
That aerial's a bit urgent, ain't it? It's called instant aerial.
It's a feature of this particular model, you see.
I'll show you how it works.
I'll give you a little demonstration.
First of all you press there I know what that is, the statelite has moved out of position.
Hang about, there'll be another one along in a minute.
I think I'll stick to the phone in the public bar, Del.
I'll let you have it for 35 quid.
I don't mind losing a fiver for a mate.
Don't worry.
This time next year we'll be millionaires.
I thought Rodney said that video recorder could only work on continental electric? Yeah, that's why I popped over to Calais and got myself a couple of bucketfuls of it this morning.
No, it's alright.
Here, you know that Chinese kid who lives over in Desmond Tutu house? He's a bit of a boffin when it comes to the old electronics so I got him to fit an adaptoron the back of it for me.
The Chinese kid? The one you always said was stupid? He's not stupid That Chinese kid is a bit of a genius when it comes to the old electronics.
That diploma exam of yours wasn't as easy as you thought it'd be.
Who told you that? Was that Albert? No, no, it wasn't.
I bumped into that Mr Jamille, that teacher at your training college.
Del, everything I did in that examination was correct - well, except for one minor miscalculation.
You see, we had to program a computer with a mock flight plan.
It was supposed to be an unmanned space probe.
Stupid.
We was all given the information, you know: navigational data, analysis of payload ratio to engine capacity.
Yeah, well, you need all that, don't you? But I got a bit confused between litres and gallons right? Round here in Peckham we don't have much dealing with continental measurements.
So I didn't program enough fuel and my probe fell slightly short of Venus.
He mentioned to Dartford.
Listen, soppy, you don't actually know that you haven't passed.
I mean, no one's told you that you've failed.
Del, I do not need a weatherman to tell me when it's peeing down.
Mr Jamille handed out all the diplomas the other night except for me.
Well, you know, maybe he was busy, maybe he hadn't got round to looking at your yet.
Del don't patronize me.
Look, I naused it up and that's all there is to it.
Right, OK.
You know best.
But Mr Jamille asked me to give you this.
He wanted me to appologise for him and say he was very sorry but he'd been very busy an' he's only just got round to looking at your work.
All that whinging and whinning and you'd passed all the time.
- I don't believe it! - Here you are Rodney, you've done it! - I'm proud of you.
- Cheers Del! Now you can get that job you wanted, can't you? Yes, I won't have any prob Who told you that? Was that Albert? No, it was not Albert; It was Cassandra's dad.
You've met Cassandra's dad? Well, yeah, he's got that little printing firm and I wanted to get them letterheads printed, and I thought I'd take the business down to him, you now, keep it in the family.
He's a nice bloke that Alan.
We had a nice chat and a drink.
But Cassandra's dad don't drink.
Oh no, but this was a special occasion, wasn't it? The heads of two great households meeting for the first time.
Well, it was a bit like a summit, so anyway we had a couple of scotches and that's when he told me he'd offered you the job.
You're not upset, are you? 'Cos I mean I'm breaking up the partnership.
Oh our partnership.
Don't worry about that Rodney, you're doing the best thing.
No you've got to go with that Alan 'cos you know he can offer you a future which is more than I can.
Anyway, you've got to have a proper job to get a mortgage for your new flat.
Who told you that? Was that Cassandra's dad? No, Albert told me.
So what you doing about the deposit then? Oh I dunno, mate.
Where am I gonna get two thousand pounds? - Off your big brother.
- What? I'm giving you 2,000 pounds as a wedding present.
Where are you gonna get that sort of money? I'm owed it, ain't I? I'll just call in my debts.
What, you mean I can tell Cassandra and her dad? You can tell the Daily Mirror for all I care! Well.
That'll be her.
Cheers! Where are you gonna get all that money from? You know these video recorders I sold along Boycie a few months ago.
Well, he still hasn't weighed in with the old dosharoonies.
So I'll get the money off him and give it to Rodney and it'll all be rez de chasse, as they say in the Dordogne.
Look who's here.
- Hello darling, alright? - Hello, Del.
Alright Albert.
- Hello, love.
- You passed.
Oh you clever old thing.
Oh well, you know, it was nothing.
Oh by the way, would you ask your dad how he'd like the deposit paid? You know, cash or cheque.
- You got the 2,000? - Of course.
I don't think he cares if it's cash or a cheque.
Oh well, that's cool.
- You're going out tonight, sweetheart? - Yes, we're going to see an Italian film.
Oh getting in the mood for your honeymoon in Rimini, eh? Oh shut up.
Here, how you gonna understand that film if it's all in foreign? Oh Albert wouldn't bother - He can speak Italian? - No, he can't read.
Oh that's a coincidence.
My dad's just come home with one of these.
Has he? Oh well, there's a thing.
Hope your mum's pleased.
Well, no actually, he came home absolutely plastered.
Go on, sit down! Where's the machine? It's gonna be alright now.
Alright? Here we go.
I've done it at last! We're off and running! Oh that stupid Chinese kid.
Why did I ever trust him? Right, I'll see you later, then.
Yeah go on, enjoy the film.
Here, I'm really pleased Rodney's got his diploma.
Lucky you bumped into that Mr Jamille, innit? - How much d'you give him? - 150.
It comes complete with batteries plus a little attachment so you can attach it to the dashboard of your car.
and all of that for 35 pounds.
Del, watch my lips very closely.
I do not want one.
Only an idiot would buy one of those things.
- You got one? - No, I haven't I'm thinking of getting one though.
Well done, Trigg.
I'll show you how it works, shall I? Excuse me, gentlemen, business.
Bocie, can I have a word with you? When are you gonna weigh in with the money for those video recorders I sold you.
Del, I have told you before I am not paying you for them.
They don't work.
Listen, I've solved that problem.
There's a little Chinese kid over on my estate, now he's an electronic genius, now you give me the three and a half that you owe me and I'll get him to fix adaptors on all your machines.
They'll sell like hot cakes.
Del, I've got to be honest with you.
I am skint.
Oh don't give me that, Boycie.
It's the truth! Marlene's pregnancy is costing me an arm and a leg.
She's at a dodgy age for knocking out her first chavvy.
She needs to be under constant surveillance by a very expensive group of medical experts.
She's already had a week in a private ward.
Can't she go on the National Health? Well, of course she can't.
I can't expect my wife to mix with all those ordinary patients.
Have you seen the way some of them dress? Look, I've got Rodney’s wedding coming up.
I need that money.
I am just potless, Del, and that is no lie.
It's the kipper's season, nobody is buying cars.
I will pay you that money as soon as things pick up.
It'll be too late by then! I am sorry, Del Boy.
You cannot get blood out of a stone.
Oh talking of blood, I heard the Driscoll brothers were looking for you.
Driscoll brothers looking for me? What they looking for with me? I never deal with the Driscoll brothers.
I make sure of that.
Well, perhaps they want to look at Rodney's wedding list? Very funny.
Half a shandy, please, Michael.
I guessed I'd find you here, you toerag.
Alan, what a pleasant surprise.
Here, look who's here.
Cassandra's dad, Rodney's future father-in-law.
Let me shake you by the hand, Alan.
You're a brave man letting a Trotter into your family.
Rodney's is a good lad, I like him.
That's right.
He's one in a million.
Now you come and sit down over here, Alan, get away from all this riff-raf.
What you drinking.
Just a lemonade for me, thanks Del.
That drink I had with you last week, it knocked me sideways.
I hardly touch the stuff these days, and Pam, my wife, she doesn't really agree with drinking.
You ought to get out of her, you know, get yourself a younger model.
Yeah, but she's been with me for so long she's almost one of the family.
Go on, I'll have a small scotch, but that's me lot.
Alright, then.
Can I have a small scotch and the usual for me, please.
Here, what you done to your eye? Oh yeah, the aerial on that phone you sold me came out a bit fast.
Oh yeah? Well you had a few sherbets, hadn't you though? Anyway, what you doing round here? I got bit bored.
There's something wrong with our television.
So I thought I'd pop round here and have a chat about the wedding arrangements.
You know, I think you should make some sort of contribution to the proceedings.
Oh yeah, of course.
I mean, what sort of a hall do you think we should hire? Well, you know, I don't think we ought to go mad, you know, it's only a registry office wedding, ain't it, eh? Actually, he's got a very nice hall here, you know, and it's cheap.
D'you know if I had my way that's exactly where we'd hold the reception a good old knees-up in a pub and plenty of jellied eels.
Well, this place is perfect, innit? And it's cheap.
Yeah, yeah.
But my wife Pam, she's gone all up-market on the idea.
She wants to hold the reception in a cricket club pavilion or the country club.
Oh yeah, she's got it all planned out.
It's all Dom Perignon and caviar.
Not a jellied eel in sight.
So what do you think? Well, I reckon you ought to put your foot down, you know.
How much is this gonna cot me then? Cost you? Oh Del, it's not gonna cost you a penny.
My only child's getting married and I'm paying for the lot.
Yeah, but I thought you said you wanted me to make a contribution.
Yeah, with ideas and opinions.
Actually, your missus has got a point, hasn't she? You know, I don't think that you and me ought to be selfish, should we? After all, it is for the happy couple, it is their big day.
You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean champagne, caviar, country clubs.
Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, it's all put on.
I mean, those people just do things for effect.
Boycie, Trigg, your minicab's here.
You two still haven't got the hang of those revolving doors, have you? Can we have a word, Del? Yeah, 'course you can yeah.
Michael, get Mickey and Jevon a drink, will you? Those mobile phones we gave you.
You got the money for them yet? Of course I haven't.
I haven't sold 'em yet.
- Oh my Goodens! - Oh bloody hell! What's up with you two? I'll see you, Del.
Yeah, cheers, Alan.
Glad you enjoyed the drink.
Here, Del, that's a stroke of luck.
He's hired my hall for the wedding reception and I'm doing all the food and drink.
Where am I gonna get jellied eels from? I'll talk to you later.
I don't believe it! See, those phones we gave you Del, they weren't ours.
We could have had a nice country club.
We had them on sale or return, same as you.
We could have been eating caviar instead of Mike's scotch eggs.
Del, they want their money.
I'm a caviar person, me, you know, most probably.
Who wants their money? - The Driscoll brothers.
- The Driscoll brothers? You two have been dealing with the Driscoll brothers? Only with those mobile phones.
We thought they'd be a good seller.
They did that to you, ain't they? And your Gregory.
That is their trademark, they don't touch the face but they knock the hell out of the body.
Danny Driscoll said this was a friendly warning.
I'm sorry, Del, we had to tell him you'd taken the phones.
They've got it in their heads that you're trying to con them.
They're looking for you, Del.
I know, I know.
I've had a warning.
But let me tell you this: If I end up supporting a flyover on the M26, I guarantee that you two are gonna be in the next junction.
Let me get you a drink, gentlemen.
Alright, what is all this about the Driscoll brothers? Nothing, nothing at all.
Listen, if the Driscoll brothers come in here asking for me, you ain't seen me, alright? Listen, I've heard of the Driscoll bothers, Del, but I've never seen them.
What they look like? Well, one of them looks like he was evicted from the planet of the apes.
Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richard.
What, he's younger than his years? No, he's got one of them faces that you wanna slap.
Here, Trigg, did you get Alan off home alright? Yeah.
There was almost an accident.
The minicab driver nearly reversed into the Driscoll brothers' Mercedes.
The Driscoll brothers are here? What door they coming in? Well, I dunno.
They're just getting out the car.
Upstairs! Hide in the hall.
Quickly! Boycie, how nice.
Hello, Danny.
Your brother not with you? Oh wotcher, Tony.
Drink? No.
Is that right Marlene's up the spout? Dear, dear, dear.
Will you let us know the moment you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.
Yeah, righto, Danny.
Yeah, good one, Danny, good one.
Del Boy around? No, no.
I ain't seen him this evening.
Well, that's funny.
His van's in the car park and - what's this? A Castella, a Malibu reef.
Are you sure he's not around? Think hard, guv'nor.
Well, he may have been in earlier and then he left! I see.
You just had this place decorated? Shame.
I wanna buy everyone in this pub a drink, whatever they want.
Now here's a pound and I want change.
Large cognac, please, Michael.
Keep still.
Trigg, what you doing here? It's got nothing to do with you.
What are you doing here with us? I dunno really.
You said quick upstairs so I just went.
There's a doorknob there, Tony.
Why don't you just turn it like a human being? Let's try the bogs.
They're going! We're in the clear.
He's got one of our phones up his nose.
That's a good idea, innit? - Everything alright Del? - Fine, I just got this phone stuck up my nose, that's all.
- Tony, help the man.
- That's alright Tony, I can do that.
I thought I said I didn't want to see your faces round here any more.
- Yes, Mr Driscoll.
- Thank you Mr Driscoll.
- That goes for you too.
- Yeah, but Go on Trigg, see you later.
You owe us 2,000 pounds.
You got the money? No, of course I haven't.
I haven't sold the phones yet, have I? Don't give us that, Derek.
Them two youngsters Ebony and Ivory took the phones from us over three months ago.
Three months? I didn't know that, Danny.
Do you think we're stupid? Do you think I'm stupid? Them two munchkins work for you and you're doing a bit of a Fagin, but you picked the wrong ones this time.
If you don't come up with the two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you.
Hang on! You got it wrong, you've got it all wrong.
I tell you what: you can have all the phones back.
I don't want all that old rubbish back.
They used to make our telly go funny.
And that model's old now, and at least one of them's been up your hooter.
You've got to give me a bit of time.
I mean, you two ain't short of a couple of grand, can yer? And you know why we ain't short a few bob? 'Cos we don't let debts linger.
Can we explain something to you, Del? When me and Tony were kids we was very, very poor.
Our old man used to work in the stables in one of them big mansion houses.
He used to work from six in the morning 'til eight at night and what for? A pittance.
A shilling a day and a horseshit sandwich.
Then one day there was a robbery at the mansion.
The bill arrested our old man, but there wasn't any evidence, was there? - That's right - just fingerprints.
- Just fingerprints.
And eyewitnesses.
Couple of eyewitnesses They found the jewels on him.
It was a plant.
It was a right fit-up.
He died in a police cell with a fractured skull.
They said it was a suicide attempt that went wrong, or right, whatever way you look at it.
They claimed he tried to hang himself with his braces and smashed himself to death on the ceiling.
Do you believe that? No, no, I don't believe that, no.
The day he died, Tony and me swore that no one would ever dump on us and we would never, never be poor.
Wait a minute! After your dad died you two went to a young offenders' home, and who was it that used to look after your old mum with some hooky groceries and a bag of coal and all that – it was me, weren't it, eh? Come on, you owe me.
No, I mean, you owe me a bit of time at least.
- He's right.
- No, he ain't.
- We owe him.
- I don't think we do.
Tony, we had an agreement - I do the thinking, you don't.
Alright, Del, you got yourself a bit of time.
Cheers, cheers, Danny.
When will I see you again? - Dunno.
We'll surprise you.
- Good.
I'll look forward to that.
- Get the money.
- Right.
Either you pay us or we pay you.
Oh hello, Danny.
Just popped up to see if you needed any help.
No, I think we handled it pretty well on our own.
Be seeing you soon.
Del, Mickey Pearce has just told me you got some electrionic equipment off the Driscolls.
- Yes, that's right.
- It's not those video recorders you sold me, is it? - Yes! - God, do the Driscolls know? I haven't said anything, you know, yet.
Well, you're not gonna tell them I got them, are you? Look, they wanna give someone a good hidin'.
Tell us what it was like, won't you, Boycie? Here Here's most of the money I owe you.
I thought you said you was kint? I thought I was but then I suddenly happened to find three grad in my pocket.
Square it with the Driscolls.
Keep them off me.
Of course I will, Boyce.
What are friends for? So remember, Rodney, marriage is like a self-service restaurant you get what you want, you see what your mates got and you want some of that.
I remember my stag night, Rodney.
It was about one o'clock in the car park and I was just about to stagger home when they jumped out on me.
Who, who jumped out on you? I dunno.
It was pitch black.
Anyway, they super-glued a learner sign to me pants and run off and left me.
I didn't mind the learner sign.
I just wish they'd let me keep my trousers.
You didn't, you didn't have no trousers on? - No, Rodney, no.
- I'm just popping out.
Albert, just a minute.
While you're up there, put another score in the whip.
Oh look, there he goes, hi-hoe.
Alright mate? Fancy putting your head on upside down! - I fought in the war.
- What? The Boer War? Go on, get out of here, you miserable old so-and-so.
Here listen lads.
There was this fellow, he was really short.
I tell you how short he was.
He got a job at mothercare as a bouncer, that's how short he was.
He was so short, well, he Well, he wasn't that short A tall feller, he was very tall There was this woman Del, I don't wish to spoil the surprise, but the Driscol brothers have just arrived.
Oh have they? Well, let them wait a while, can't they? Do you need any backup? No, it's alright, Denzil, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
No, don't worry.
I've got their money.
Are you having a good time, Del? Yes, yes, I'm having a blinding time, Rodders, yeah, yeah.
I get married in two days' time.
Yeah, I know.
You wanna keep off the sherbet, otherwise you're gonna have a hangover on your honeymoon.
- Oi, Del at the cerem - Ceremony yeah, right they won't say my middle name will they? No, no.
He'll just call you, you know, like Rodney Trotter I wanna thank you, Del.
You've done everything for me in my life.
Yes, alright.
Shut up, Rodney.
He looked after me when I was a kid, when I was a nipper.
Yeah, I know, Rodney.
I remember.
He did everything for me.
I mean, if it wasn't for him, right, I could have been a drunk or I could have been a snu-gliffer or anything.
And I tell you something else about this man: he's giving me 2,000 pounds as a deposit on my flat.
- I forgot that.
- Oh hell.
Rodney, alright, you stay here, right? You just listen to the funny man, alright? Back in a minute.
Course, my wife, she used to sell ice creams in the cinema.
When we got married she went up the aisle backwards.
She was lovely.
We were driving home one night and she said, 'Would you like to see where I had the operation?' I said, 'Yeah'.
She said, 'See the hospital up there on the hill' I'll tell you.
Del, right, he's the bestest bloke in the world.
Yeah, I know.
Listen, Rodney, sometimes people say things that they mean, - what they really mean is - What you mean? Well, sometimes they promise things and they really mean to keep that promise, but other things stop them from doing it.
Are you in the bathroom? Thanks for walking out and leaving me like that.
Sorry! I had too much to drink.
I felt bad.
I'm still feeling a bit rough Rodney.
Oh and thanks for not giving me that money.
Denzil explained that you had something more important to spend it on! You promised me.
I've told Cassandra and her mum and dad and everything.
I said I've got the money.
What am I gonna look like now, eh? I'll tell you what I'm gonna look like now.
I'm gonna look like a right tit-head, that's what I'll look like.
Your money's on the table.
- Del? Thanks.
- It's alright, bruv.
It was a pleasure.
- Del I'm sorry, right? - Shut up, you tart.
You're still gonna be my best man, aren't you? - Yeah, 'course I am.
- We'll have a good old knees-up eh? I think I've had enough of that for one night, Rodney.
And I tell you what - we'll have a good old sing-song.
Yeah, as long as you don't mind me sounding like the Bee Gees.
- I do solemnly declare.
- I do solemnly declare.
- That I know of no lawful impediment.
- That I know of no lawful impediment.
That I may not be joined in matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry.
Do you have the ring? Half past eleven.
Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present.
I call upon these persons here present.
To witness that I, Rodney Charlton Trotter That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter I would appreciate it if the guests would conduct themselves in a manner more becoming to this occasion, thank you.
That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter.
Take this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
Take this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife.
Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present.
I call upon these persons here present To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry.
Take this man, Rodney Charl Rodney Trotter.
Take this man, Rodney Trotter.
To be my lawful wedded husband.
Now you have both made the declarations required by law and you have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses, you are now husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Thank you.
You must call us as soon you get back from your honeymoon.
Mum, we haven't even gone.
Don't you be late for your first day at work, Rodney.
No, I'll be there, Alan.
- You'll have to come round for dinner.
- Oh thank you, Pamela.
We could invite Del.
He'll most probably be busy.
Well, I'm seeing him on Wednesday.
I'll ask him.
You're not going to get drunk again? No.
He's taking me to a pie and mash shop.
- What for? - For pie and mash.
I think I'll just go and say goodbye to a few more people.
What's happened to you? Ever since you've met Rodney's brother you've become like a born-again hooligan.
It's thanks to you that my daughter's wedding reception is being held at this ghastly pub, all champagne and welks there's spoons of jellied eels everywhere.
That's because I like jellied eels.
- Hey Alan! If you want some more of these jellied eels, you better get stuck in, mate! See you in a minute.
- Are you off then, bruv? - Yeah, off in a minute.
Just wanted to, just wanted to say, Rodney, that I'm really very proud of you.
You've got it all now, ain't you? New job, new flat, new wife, new life.
- We had a few good years, eh? - We had some good times.
Right laughs! And a couple of tears.
But still that's what's all about.
- I just wish that Grandad and Mum - Oh no, shut up! You'll have me going.
I got some bruises.
I don't where I got them from.
Goodbye, Del, and thanks for everything.
That's alright.
I just got some bruises.
You promise you do me a favour? - Of course! - Be gentle with him.
Oh shut up! Rodney's middle name is Charlton.
Oh yeah, it was me mum.
She was a fan.
- Oh what? Charlton Heston? - No.
Charlton Athletic.
Duke, get off that table.
How come you never got married, Del? Me? No, I'm too shrewd for that game.
You got engaged, though, didn't you? Lots of times.
So why didn't you marry any of them? It was Rodney, I suppose.
Rodney stopped you getting married? Well, back in them days Rodney was just a kid, you know, and I had to bring him up.
You were like a mother and father to him.
Yeah, I breast fed him for the first six months.
No, it's just that all the birds that I went out with they wanted to get married but they didn't want to bring Rodney up, especially the way he went through shoes.
What was I supposed to do? Get married and put Rodney into care? I elbowed them.
It's family, innit? You should be proud of yourself.
He's turned out a real good 'un.
He's a diamond.
A forty-two-carat, diamond.
Come along, Marlene.
I wanna have a word with you during the week.
You should see what that Chinese kid has done to my video recorders.
- Bye, Del.
- Bye-bye sweetheart.
- Bye.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Come on, Duke.
- Cheerio, Boycie.
Cassandra's dad's feeling a bit unwell.
I told him not to eat all them jellied eels.
I've got to lock up, Del.
Yeah, alright, Mike.
Thanks very much for a very nice do.
Cheers, mate.
Hello, Trotter Independent Traders Oh it's you, Albert No, it's alright, I've only this minute got in.
Where are you oh you're round at Elsie Partridge's are you? Oh yeah, got your plates of meat under the table there, ain't you, eh? You dirty old goat! What? No, no, they're back from their honeymoon.
Yeah, I saw Rodney this morning racing off to work.
Yeah, he looked great, he did, nice three-piece suit, smart tie, and his executive briefcase, the lot You what? No, no, I didn't have chance to speak to him.
I was in the van and he came racing past on his bicycle The honeymoon? Yeah, I think that went alright, yeah.
He was as white as a sheet You what? Oh yeah, you off down the Legion tonight, are you Me? No.
Well, I'm alone.
Well, no, no.
I'm not alone, really; it's just the way I'd like it to be No, no thanks very much, Albert.
I appreciate the offer but I'm not in the mood for dominoes tonight Yeah, I'll see you when I see you.
Alright? Yeah, triffic, Rodders.
I am exhausted.
Yeah you look a bit cream crackered.
What is it? Executive stress, is it? No, it's that bike.
The wheels hardly go round, the chain's come off twice and the front light don't work.
Where d'you get it from? I dunno.
It's been in the garage for years.
What's for tea? I dunno.
I got no idea.
Can I say something to you Rodney? Something that may hold you in good stead in the, you know, future? Yeah, go on, then.
It's just that, well, how can I put it? You don't live here no more.
Oh, bloody 'ell! She'll go loopy.
- I'll see you, right? - Yeah, right, bruv.
What a plonker!