Only Fools and Horses (1981) s07e02 Episode Script

The Chance of a Lunchtime

Albert, cup of tea out for you.
Righto, son.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Nothing like a nice cup of Darjeelin' to start the day, that's my motto.
So what are you up to today? Nothing much.
Just gonna sit around and try and learn this.
I wish I'd never agreed to this audition in the first place.
I'll never get the part anyway.
You're giving up before you've even started.
You don't know how nervous I get with auditions.
You'll be terrific.
Remember the old saying? She who dares wins.
If you say so Del.
You know, you're the only one who's ever really given me any encouragement.
My ex-husband used to laugh at me.
To him, ambitions and dreams of wonderful things were a waste of time.
Never lose sight of your dreams sweetheart! When I was 18 I said that by the time I was 21 I was gonna be a millionaire.
Really? When I was 21 I said I'd be a millionaire by the time I was 30 and when I was 30 D'you want a Jammy-Dodger? I've never told anyone this, but, d'you remember when I was in America for a while? Well, while I was there they were putting on Aida at the Met.
So I applied for a part in it.
I didn't get it – there were union problems and I wasn't very good.
For a while, my head was filled with big theatres.
You know, New York, Broadway - all that! Stupid No! Not stupid at all sweetheart.
'Cause you had a go, didn't ya? That's the most important thing.
You had a go.
Anyway, I reckon it was all for the best.
How? Well, Aida at the Met! I can't see you playing a policewoman.
Perhaps you're right.
Although I wouldn't have had to do much research.
My husband was a policeman.
- Your old man was copper? Gordon Bennett! - Yeah.
Didn't I ever say? No, you did not.
You never told me that! Do you see much of him Do you see him at all? No, I haven't seen him for years and years.
Why? Nothing! I'm just curious.
You never told me that! You better explain yourself.
- Am I interrupting anything? - No.
Oh well, better luck next time.
I'm off to work.
See you later.
I'm going round your flat this morning, do your front door.
Have you seen Cassandra since she got back? Why don't you ask to meet her, talk things over quietly between yourselves? If she wants to make the first move, fine.
Other than that - nito! Is there a message I can give her from you? Yeah.
Say hasta la vesta.
Vesta? That's boil-in-the-bag curry, innit? - No.
It's Spanish for boil-in-the-bag curry.
- I thought it was.
You didn't do any shopping today then, Albert? No, that cup of tea I had this morning made me feel a bit rough.
I thought you were doing the shopping now.
I've been out to lunch with my agent! Well, there's some egg and bacon in the fridge.
Del doesn't like fried food! Well, I'm sorry, it'll have to be egg and bacon.
If that's the way it goes.
Four rashers for me.
- When's this audition of yours? - Tomorrow.
I'm auditioning for Rosalind.
Rosalind who? The part of Rosalind! I've got to learn the whole of Act Three, Scene Two by tomorrow morning.
How the hell am I gonna to do that? - Don't worry about that, I'll help you.
- How d'you mean? I'll rehearse with you.
You know, I'll read the other parts so you can get used to it.
I used to do a bit of acting when I was at school.
Bloody good I was an' all.
You used to act at school? Yeah.
I was in the Nativity play.
Played the landlord.
There was little Del Boy, strapped about.
Then there was this knock at the door.
So I answered the door and said 'I'm sorry.
No room at the inn'.
Joseph persuaded me to let 'em kip in the stable.
I tried to charge him one and six for the night and got the cane for that.
Those were the days Ring the doorbell! - Ring the doorbell.
- Why? I've got the key! Just ring the doorbell.
- Vive la France! - What is that thing? Brilliant, innit? Musical doorchimes there.
They play 36 different national anthems.
are kidding, aren't you? No, he's ain't kidding, Raquel.
I can see it in his eyes.
How'd you know they're genuine national anthems? 'Cos it says so on the box! What can't speak can't lie.
Well, I've seen umpteen Olympic Games and I ain't heard half the tunes this chime plays.
I know, but how many gold medals have Fiji and Borneo won? If they had in the Olympics pearl-diving and putting the shrunken head you would have heard their national anthems.
Talking of shrunken heads Rodney, I wanna word with you.
What is it? I was round your place today fitting the new front door.
and I had a little chat with Cassandra.
I think Cassandra's had a change of heart.
Yeah? What makes you think that? I had a chat with her and she said she still loves you very very deeply.
Cassandra said that? Yes.
So mush so that she asked me to ask you if you'd be prepared to meet her tonight.
- Where? - I don't know, some little restaurant I think it is.
That's not Cassandra's writing.
That is my writing, that is, isn't it? She just told me and I wrote it down on a bit of paper What d'you reckon? Yeah.
I've got nothing better to do.
Good boy, Lovely Jubbly.
I hope she don't think she can buy me a bottle of wine and walk straight back in my life.
I don't think she means that Rodney.
Cause I think she wants to woe again.
I've booked the ta she's booked the table for 7.
30, so you'd better put your skates on.
Yeah, I'll get a shower Thanks, Del.
What you thanking me for? I'm just the messenger boy.
I feel sort of nervous.
What you gotta be nervous about? She's your wife.
- Yeah.
I'll just be myself.
- No.
Try to make an impression Rodney! Are you going out tonight? I gotta go down the Nag's head, 'cause Mike and Trigger wanna buy one of my musical doorbells.
D'you want me to drop 'em off at the pub on me way out? No, I've gotta go Rodney.
'Cause at the moment Mike and Trigger don't know they wanna buy one of my musical doorbells.
Then I'm coming back me and help Raquel rehearse her play.
Oh yeah.
- You are rehearsing a play? - Raquel's up for some audition.
It's one of Shakespeare's famous plays.
And you are rehearsing it with her? Can't you do it now before I go out? Oh please! I could do with a la You know, see how it's all done.
You don't understand, Rodney.
You don't understand, do you, eh? You can't expect an actress of Raquel's calibre just to start rehearing at the drop of an act! She's got to search for her character.
It's all about motivation.
It's all about thought and sensitivity, and that takes time, Rodney And apart from that, she's only just put the rashers in the pan.
Brilliant, innit eh? Brilliant! No more of that 'Avon calling' cobblers.
You can have the old stars and stripes.
You expect me to have one of them things on my front door? - You're keen, I can tell.
- Del, they're cheep and tacky! I've got one on my front door! You most probably have.
You'd need a brain by-pass to have one of them things fitted.
How much you selling them for, Del? Funny you should say that, Trig.
Because they normally retail at £36.
But you can have it for £13.
50 including batteries and fitting.
Go on then.
I'll have one.
Good boy.
You know it makes sense.
I thought you'd banned laughing in this pub.
With that sort I have.
See them two blokes over there? They've been plying her with drinks since six o'clock.
I think they're fed up with it now.
- Would you call her a cab? - Yeah, something like that.
No, no.
Would you phone for a minicab? The lady wants to go to Battersea.
Yeah, you leave it to me mate.
I've got an understanding with British Telecom.
I make a phone call and they charge me for it.
I apologize for him sir, it's his religion.
He's an orthodox tight-arse.
- How is it going, Trig? - Alright.
I went down to my sister's house at the weekend.
It was her 42nd birthday.
Wait a minute, hang on.
Your sister's 5 years younger than you.
That'd make her 39.
I know.
But she's a typical woman.
She lies about her age.
So how's the family? Oh mustard.
Raquel's boning up for an audition for a new play.
It's as you like it, by Shakespeare.
Yeah? Will it be on telly? No, no.
Not this particular one.
Might probably be in the West End, something like that.
- Hope she don't change.
- Raquel? Why should she change? Well, they start mixing with all them posh actors and the next thing you know they've changed.
No, not my Raquel.
My sister went out with an actor once.
He played the cat in Puss-in-Boots.
She suddenly thought she was more intelligent than the rest of the family.
Yeah, but if you remember, Trig, you had the same problem with your goldfish Work it out Trig, I'l be back in a minute.
How are you? - How's the little baby? - Oh he's lovely.
He's there with Boyce.
- Good evening, Derek.
- Just saying hello to Marlene.
Yes, I noticed you approaching my wife and shake her warmly by the 'arris! Oh shuddup, you miserable old sod.
He's just having a laugh.
Just a giggle, that's all.
Let me buy you a drink, what d'you want? I'll have a large cognac.
Marlene will have an orange juice.
She's just about to drive my son back home.
Can I have a small orange, a small cognac and my special please.
I've got some pictures of the baby here.
- He's champion, ain't he? - He's got my eyes, ain't he? - Na! His eyes are all warm and smiley.
- So are mine.
My mum always said you had vampire eyes.
Well, she should know, the old bat! He's got my eyes.
Definitely my And look at that, I never noticed that Mike, he's got your mouth.
That is Rodney's nose if ever I've seen - What are you saying? - Nothing! Honest.
Talking of Rodney.
How is he now? He's alright, sweetheart.
He's taking Cassandra out tonight - trying to patch things up.
Oh good.
I suppose you've missed him, eh, Del? Who? Rodney.
I mean, you must have missed him when he left your partnership.
Oh yeah, I missed him like George Michael misses Andrew Ridgely.
Won't be a minute Don't worry, Tyler, Mummy's coming.
That woman's as soppy as a lorry-load of monkeys.
I got home this evening and discovered some salesman has flogged her a door bell that plays 36 national anthems.
I got one of them.
Yes, I'd have put money on that, Trig! The difference is I live in a mock-Georgian mansion in the Kings Avenue.
Our neighbours are not gonna appreciate being awoken by the sound of Long live Swaziland every time the milkman calls.
He still calls round, does he? I'm off home, Boyce.
Don't be too late.
I'll be about an hour.
You'll know it's me.
I'll play Mexico forever on the front door.
Wave goodbye to your daddy.
- So, how was Spain? - Oh, you know, OK.
- Good.
Do anything interesting? - Not really.
There was just mummy and I at the villa.
To be honest it was a bit boring.
I can imagine! No, I don't mean being in your mother's company is boring! Because she's not a boring person! - I know what you meant.
- Good Excuse me.
Would you want a glass of something? I'll have the same as you.
It's mineral water.
That makes a nice change.
I heard you'd been drinking heavily.
Heavily! Silly! Can I have a glass of mineral water, please? I think your father was exaggerating slightly, Cassandra.
Daddy didn't tell me.
It was Del.
Yeah, well Maybe I did go a bit overboard when we left each other.
- You mean, when you left me! - Same thing.
No it isn't! I didn't go anywhere, Roddy.
I was at the flat waiting for you.
You just didn't come home! We came here to discuss these things, not to argue! You started it! I didn't! I came home when you was on holiday.
and I found you changed the locks on the front door! Yes, I should have told you.
But that was no reason for you to kick the door in! I didn't kick the door in! I just sorta that's all! - Why did you go back there? - I wanted to surprise you.
You did surprise me! I didn't expect to come home to find my husband had kicked the front door in! Look, I've got as much right to enter that flat as you Cassandra! We've got a joint mortgage, remember, from the bank? And what about that girl you took out? - I didn't take any girl out! - You asked a girl out! That was just to make you jealous.
It was a stupid idea and I never went through with it.
Although at this moment in time, it strikes me as being one of my better moves! Well, this is obviously going to be a total waste of a good evening! Just think of all the more interesting things I could be doing - like washing my hair.
What about me? I've passed up the chance to watch Del rehearse a Shakespeare play! People would pay a fortune for something like that, and I could have it for nothing! I came here this evening hoping that you and I could find some common ground on which we could base our future! But it's pointless! I'm glad I found out this early in our marriage what you're really like! Your drinking, your bouts of violence! God, I can just imagine my future with someone like you! You really are the silliest, pettiest, most childish person I've ever had the misfortune to marry.
You fancy me, don't you? - No, I don't! - Yes, you do, you little flirt, you! I hate you! I wanted this to be serious.
I wanted to really tear into you! Oh that's why you asked to meet me? I ask to meet you? You must be joking! Roddy, you're the one who did the asking.
No, Del came home and he said you'd ask to meet me.
And you suggested this venue.
Rodney, Derek brought a message round from you.
He said you wanted to meet me at this rest! Git! So now what do we do? I dunno - D'you fancy showing me yer tan? - Yeah, alright.
- Can I take your order sir? - No, I've lost my appetite.
Same here.
That's the new key.
I've got to go round to mummy and daddy's.
I've left some of my clothes at their house.
You won't be too long, will yer? About an hour or so.
D'you remember your way home? I remember.
In case you get confused, we've got a new front door.
I'll see you in bed in about half an hour.
Sorry! You're gonna have trouble with that one, Michael.
Don't I know it? The sooner that minicab arrives, the better! Disgusting, innit, eh? I like a lady to be a lady.
I can't stand a woman being drunk, staggering round a pub, dropping her crisps all over the place.
- I remember your mum.
- What d'you mean by that? She was a lady, weren't she? My mum was a lady.
She was the first woman in Peckham to smoke menthol cigarettes.
Look at the state of that! I wouldn't be seen dead with that! That alone admits knowing it! Blimey! How are you, darling? Oh, triffic! - How long's it been? - How long's what been? - Since we last saw each other? - Have we met? - You don't remember me? It's Trudy! - Trudy? Were we engaged? You ain't half changed, sweetheart.
Ain't we all, love? Hang on a minute, I'll just go and get me drink.
I've gone right off that hot-dog, Mike.
Del, we made it up.
Me and Cassy, we're back together! Well done, brother.
Mike, there's a minicab outside for somebody.
- That'll be for your ex-fiancee, Derek.
Get her out, will yer? Yes, yes, gimme a minute.
Del, it's not another fiancee! Sorry Rodney, I was very young at the time! Cassandra, she's not out there in the van, is she? No.
She's gone round her mum and dad's place, pick something up.
I just came arpund to tell you that I won't be home tonight.
- What you mean Rodney is, you will be home tonight.
- Oh yeah, my real home! There's your key back.
Thanks for having me It was a pleasure.
Cassandra didn't ask to meet me, did she? - Na.
I lied.
- You're a conniving git! It worked though, didn't it? I've just seen Raquel and Albert getting off the bus.
Raquel's coming here? She can't see me with that Trudy.
You know how jealous she gets! Tell me everything that's been happening! I'd love to, sweetheart.
But your cab has just arrived.
Why don't you come back to my place? We can talk about old times.
I'd love to, but I've got to stay here and talk some bussiness with these gentlemen.
Rodney, will you escort this lady to her cab? I'll see you then, Del.
D'you come in this pub often? No, I've never been in here before in my life, have I Mike? That's right.
Is that my car? Is this a red car? It's my car, it's lovely.
Mate! Can you open the door? Cass! Unlock the door! Cass, we've gotta talk! That bird has nothing to do with me! She was some old sort Del was engaged to years ago! Cass, at least let's talk! By no means sir, Time travels in diverse places, with diverse persons, I'll tell you who time ambles withal, who time trots withal, who time gallops withal, and who he stands still withal.
That's bloody good, Raquel.
I prithee, who doth he trot withal! - What are you doing? - I'm acting.
Well, don't! Just read it! I prithee, who doth he trot withal? That alright? Marry, he trots hard with a young maid, between the contract of her marriage, and the day it is solemnis'd, if the interim be but a se'nnight, time's pace is so hard.
That it seems the length of seven year.
- When you gotta learn this by? - Tomorrow morning.
Oh Del! He's right! I'm gonna make a real mess of this audition.
No, you're not! She's gonna be terrific - isn't she, Albert? 'Course you are.
And even if you're not, what have you lost? What do you mean, what have I lost? Well, it's only a bunch of nancy actors doing a play that no one can make head nor tail of! There! That makes you feel much better, dunnit, eh? You dozy old twonk! This is authentic culture.
You just shut your gob, will yer? - Shall we continue sweetheart? - You sure you don't mind doing this? Of course not! I'm enjoying meself.
This is a blinding play.
- Thanks.
Should we start at the beginning? - No, no.
Let's go on a bit, just move on.
Saved by the door bell.
What are you doing here? I thought you were staying at yer own place tonight.
We've broken up.
Broken up? What are you talking about? You've only been together an hour! What happened? She saw me standing outside the Nag's Head with my arm round bloody Trudy! You had your arm round another woman? Well, no wonder she's thrown you out! It serves you right, doesn't it, Rodney? Trudy was nothing to do with me! She was the old sort that Del Just a friend! Oh just a friend, eh? How many times have I heard that? I've got no pity for you, in fact you disgust me! It wouldn't do you any harm to take a leaf out of Del's book.
- I'm gonna study this in the bedroom.
- Alright sweetheart.
I'll see you a little later.
Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Rodney.
How was I to know that Cassandra would see you.
Anyway, what was you doing with your arm round Trudy? Stopping her from falling flat on her bleedin' face! D'you reckon Cassandra'll tell her dad? No.
She'll keep it personal between her and Rodney.
Trotters Internaional Traders PLC - Don't say I'm here! - No, sorry, he's not in.
- Don't say I'm out! - You just said What I mean, he's not in the room.
He's in the bathroom.
I'll take a message.
He wants to see you in work tomorrow, first thing.
It's alright Rodney, don't worry.
It's probably something to do with the business.
I'm gonna go off and help Raquel rehearse her play.
If you hear any funny noises, don't worry.
It'll be me rehearsing my speech for Agincourt.
- Alan is going to sack me.
- He can't sack you.
Of course he can.
He owns the firm.
That printing shop of his is overloaded with work.
He's got orders coming out of his ears.
Everyone's working overtime and weekends.
So what are you saying? He'll wait 'til the rush is over? During the war Oh no Unc, please.
Not the U-boat and the fjord again! we docked at Valletta, on our way to Greece.
We had a chief communications officer on board, Tubby Fox.
Funny name for a ship, innit? That was the officer's name! Now, Tubby liked to live it up once in a while.
One night he was on duty and the captain come in in the radio room – and caught him with a Maltese girl in one hand a and a bottle of gin in the other.
He put him under arrest and started court-martial proceedings.
Albert - is there any point to this story or are you just rambling? The navy had a wartime rule - only commissioned officers were allowed to control the radio room.
Yeah, you're just rambling.
Now, Tubby was the only communications officer on board.
So d'you know what he did? I don't care what he did! He resigned his commission.
Which meant? I don't know.
It meant the ship couldn't sail! The captain had no choice but to refuse to accept Tubby's resignation! Once he'd done that, he couldn't proceed with the court martial.
It was checkmate.
I see! So they needed him more than he needed them? Exactly! What I'm trying to say is: realise your own importance.
Tubby Fox did, and he went on to command his own submarine-hunter.
Yeah! You're right! Cheers, Unc.
He died in Palermo harbour.
Dropped a depth-charge - in 9 foot of water.
There's a letter for you waiting on the desk.
Yeah? I'll deal with it later.
I wanted to see you.
Yeah, Del said you wanted to see me.
Look, er You know that lunch we had with Ron Carey from the Harvey's mail-order people? Vaguely.
It was months ago.
- Well, we've got the contract! - You're kidding! A three-year deal.
We've all their junk mail, their catalogues and all their office stationary.
That's massive.
You're telling me! I think we can safely say we'll be having roast turkey again this Christmas.
Yeah, but how are we gonna handle it? We've barely got the staff or room to cope with our present workload.
We take on more staff and move to a bigger workshop.
That's what I wanted to see you about.
I've been looking at some new premises.
I'd like you to see 'em.
- Where are they? - You know that new industrial estate down at Nunhead - Alan.
About last night.
- Last night? What happened with me and Cassandra.
Oh that? Well, needless to say.
Pam and I were delighted with the news.
Delighted? Cassandra came home and told us that you two were back together.
Oh yeah! I wanted to talk to you about what happened after that.
Rodney, I'm a man of the world but I'm also Cassandra's father.
I don't wanna know what happened after that! D'you know what I mean? - Alright, sweetheart? - What are you doing here? Oh well, you know.
I just happened to be passing.
I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift home.
Del, this is Adrian, he's the director.
Adrian, this is Derek, he's he's a friend.
Pleased to meet you.
And you, Ade, and you.
So how'd she do? - At the audition? Very well.
- Cushty.
- I told you it would be no trouble.
- You shouldn't ask questions like that! Oh shuddup.
You're too picky, that's your problem.
- What can I get you? - A small dry sherry, please, Adrian.
Yeah, same here.
And I'll have a kir.
So are you in the business, Derek? No I'm an importer-exporter.
Fine antiques, quality objets d'art, mobile telephones, that sorta thing.
While we're on the subject, Adrian, I happen to do be doing a very nice line in computerised communications systems which I believe could be right up your street.
It's a musical doorbell.
When you press the button and Derek, this is Jules.
Jules is our set designer.
Jules, this is Derek, Raquel's friend.
- Hi.
- Alright? Gimme some vitamin C.
I feel absolutely wrecked.
Let's go and sit down at the table, shall we? Fine.
I'll just grab some food.
- I feel a bit peckish as well.
- Yeah, so do I.
Go and sit at the table.
I need to talk to him.
Alright! They think I can design magnificent stage sets on peanuts! I mean, these people don't have a budget.
It's more like a whip-round.
Yeah, know what you mean.
It's a bark, innit? Feel my hands.
Feel my hands.
Go on, feel 'em.
Oh yeah, 'orrible, ain't they? Those are callouses! I'm the set designer yet I have to help unload the lorries.
Did I go to art college for three years for that? - 'Course not! - No.
- See the match the other night? - Match? What match? - Between England and Yugoslavia.
- No, I'm not really interested in football.
Well, you're lucky! You were dead lucky! Some of the decision that ref made were criminal.
We was robbed, we was robbed! They showed the match on Grandstand.
I said to my brother they should have shown it on Crimewatch.
I tell you what I did watch.
That Elizabeth Taylor film 'Cat On A Hot Tin Roof'.
Isn't she the most gorgeous creature ever? Yeah, pity she got fat, innit? Derek, her bone structure! And her eyes! Her eyes simply sparkle.
And her hair.
Her hair just cascades everywhere.
You wanna see these new premises Alan's going after.
They're cosmic! They're modern, they're big.
You've told us about 30 times already.
I've never seen the place.
But I feel like I could give you a guided tour.
Well, I'm excited! I tell you, Alan is going places.
He is not the only one that's going places! Raqel! I'm gonna get all the hounds come down for your first night.
Oh sorry.
What d'you say? I said, I'll get all the boys come down for the first night.
Trigger, Boycie, Rodney, me, the lot.
When you come on stage, we'll give you a big cheer.
That's gonna make Adrian think you've got a fan club already.
Well, cheer up, girl.
You got the part, didn't you? Yeah, I got the part, Albert.
- There you go, then.
Here you are sweetheart.
- Not for me, Del.
Come on sweetheart.
To celebrate your job, eh? I've got this letter to read.
It's got all the details of the play.
I'd like to read it with a clear head.
I'll see you in a little while.
What's up with her? Ever since she's come back from that audition with that Adrian and all them other actors she's been different.
I don't know, maybe we embarass her or something.
Raquel's not like that! You don't know, Rodney.
A cravat and a codpiece can turn a girl's head.
Hello Alan.
I've just been telling Del and Albert about our new premises.
I was thinking What letter? Oh that letter.
Let me explain.
It was a token - a gesture.
The situation that existed then between Cassandra and I may have been causing you some embarrassment, and I wanted you to know that I was aware of it Yeah Mm Fine Just let me get this straight, Alan.
When you say you've accepted my letter of resignation, what exactly do you mean? I see yes.
Thank you.
- You handed in your resignation? - I thought it was best.
You stupid little plonker! That's the bestest job you've ever had, or ever likely to have, and you've chucked it away! Listen.
I am in control of my own destiny! I am my own man, I make my own decisions in this world.
But why did you resign? - Because he told me to! - Me? I never said a word.
You told me about that bloke on the boat who put in his resignation to get out of a court martial.
- But that was different, son.
- How? Well, he got away with it! I didn't think Alan would accept my resignation! But he did! I know he did! I thought I was too important to the firm.
But you weren't! I know I weren't! Bloody know that now, don't I? Alright, calm down.
I'll give Alan a bell, see if I can get him to change his mind for you.
It's too late.
He's already found somebody to replace me.
- That was bloody quick, weren't it? - It's my assistant.
Your assistant? What, that little kid? That snotty nosed Herbert who's just left school? - Elvis? - Yes.
He's doing what you were doing? Elvis, he ain't daft.
There's no worry about him winning Blockbusters though, is there? He's the one who thought sugar diabetes was a Welsh flyweight.
Look, he's just filling the gap until Alan finds someone of my expertise to take over.
It's just strange they should replace you with a silly boy.
Why don't you just stay out of this, Albert! You can't talk to an old hero like that! Well, he's getting on my bloody nerves, going on and on.
It's your own fault Rodney, you got noone else to blame! You got a lovely wife, a lovely flat and the bestest job in the whole world - and you blew it! Who was that bloke you was having lunch with today? That was just one of Raquel's artistic friends.
- What bloke's that then? - Shut up, stay out of this Albert.
- OK? - Yeah, fine.
- Read yer letter about the play then? - Yeah, I've read it.
Look, sweetheart.
If we've had a row, could you at least tell me about it? We haven't had a row! Everything's fine.
It's not fine.
Ever since you came back from that audition with that Adrian and Jules and all them others you've been different towards me.
I mean, what is it? Am I not as good as your actor cronies? Do I embarrass you or what? Don't be stupid, Del! I am not being stupid.
'Cause I saw your face, you see.
I saw your face when Adrian asked me about Hamlet and I said I preferred Castellas.
So when d'you start rehearsings? The tour doesn't start for another three months.
Gives you plenty of time to meet some more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it? Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you! So what's the problem then? Tour? Did you say this thing was a tour? That's right.
It's a nine-week tour of the country.
I didn't know that, did I? I didn't know that.
I thought it was a play, that you put on local.
I see it that now.
That's it, is it? The lurid of the big theatres! The applause, the applause, the show must go on! We're not appearing in theatres.
Well, if you're not appearing in theatres, then where are you appearing? - Schools! - Schools? Yes, schools.
It's a co-project between the Education and the Arts Councils.
We're supposed to take Shakespeare to the inner cities.
Imagine what it might have done for me.
Could have ended up being a dinner lady.
Don't become like all the others, Del.
Putting down every little dream I have.
I'm not trying to put your dreams down, sweetheart.
You know I'd never do that.
I don't want you to leave me! I'm frightened you might not come back! I'm not going anywhere, Del.
I'm turning the offer down.
You can't do that, sweetheart.
This is a golden opportunity.
Don't worry about me.
I'm just being a bit selfish, that's all.
- I can't do that tour, Del.
- Why not? Because I've read the play again and again and at no point does Shakespeare mention that Rosalind - is pregnant.
Well, that's poetic licence innit? Did you say you was pregnant? I've done all the tests and everything.
It's certain.
Blimey! - Are you angry? - Angry? Albert! Get the biggest bottle of champagne you can find and bring it in.
Come on, quick! Rodney! Get out of bed you lazy git! Quick! Come here! Tonight we celebrate! You're not angry? Me angry? How can I be angry, I'm gonna to be a daddy! I wanna phone everybody I know: I wanna have a party! I'm gonna put on a fireworks, the biggest fireworks! - What's all the fuss about? - Calm down, calm down you two! You're gonna answer one simple question, right? How many people do you see standing there? One.
I see two.
- You know what this means, don' t you Albert? - No.
Either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.