Only Murders in the Building (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

How Well Do You Know Your Neighbors?

1 We need to find someone who knew him.
They're holding a memorial for Tim Kono in the lobby in 10 minutes.
I'm sure we're all grieving the loss of Tim Kono.
Ooh, a therapist is always a fun suspect.
I lived next to that miserable man for eight years, and I need those extra rooms.
Wouldn't be the first New Yorker to kill for good real estate.
Were you close to Tim? My cat.
She died last night.
I really did not want this to become a regular thing, - but I am strapped.
- Dad.
Your building fees are eight months past due.
Don't fuck with me, Oliver.
I would love to look at those complaints about Tim Kono.
Buy two, and I'll throw in the file.
Buy three, and I'll fill you in on the stuff that was too juicy to write down.
You can't disappear for 10 years, then show up and start dragging up a bunch of shit from when we were kids.
Oscar's getting out, Tim.
You can make things right.
You know what happened that night.
They're cleaning out Tim Kono's apartment tomorrow, so we're gonna look around for clues before everything's gone.
- Bloody cat prints! - My beautiful Evelyn.
The cat was here after Tim died.
I think our list of suspects just got a little longer.
This is Splash! The Musical.
Not squirt.
Not tinkle.
- Splash! - Oliver, you said this was a social dinner.
Well, it's a good thing dinner's over because I have this new idea for the set.
- We already built a set.
- Y you're four mill over budget.
No, no, no, no.
W-w-we need a set that no one has seen.
A pier high above the stage.
A pool built directly into the floor.
- A pool? - Yeah, picture it.
You're dancing, kickin' up water like Singin' In The Rain.
Then, you lower the floor And you can dive down! Splash! And do some fantastic synchronized swimming choreography.
This seems insane.
- Right, Teddy? - When isn't it? Teddy look at Roberta, please.
Hello, Roberta.
- Hi, Teddy.
- Now picture me at 28.
The opening night of my first Off-Broadway show.
Way off.
Off, off, off, off, off.
And I look across the room, and I see this beautiful woman, totally out of my league.
And I figure, if I've got a shot, I gotta go all in.
So I slowly saunter over, and I say, "Oh, hello.
I'm Oliver Putnam, and I would like to take you to dinner right now.
" And she smiles and says, - "Fat chance.
" - "Hell no.
" And then I said, "How about a snack?" Who says no to a snack? So we go to the Shining Star Diner across the street, and I tell her that I will, some day, direct every big Broadway show, and, some day, I'm going to marry her.
And she laughs and says, - "Sure you will.
" - "Hell no!" And then I point over here to the Arconia, and I say, "And, some day, I'm gonna live in that place.
" And Roberta says "Now, you're talking.
" Teddy, look who married way out of his league and lives four floors above you.
All that we have done together.
This is our big one.
You gotta dive all in with me.
Oliver I do like the pool.
Ha! - Let me top you off.
- Fine, but just a splash.
Let's all make a fuckin' splash, shall we? How well do you know your neighbors? You see many of them every day, but have you ever wondered, could they harm me? Or even kill? Tim Kono was murdered by someone in this building, - which means - Okay, I'm sorry.
What's the matter? You are scoring a murder mystery, not DJing a hobbit's wedding.
The concertina can be very haunting.
It transports.
Yeah well, it transports me back to 1800s Ireland.
I feel like I'm in the middle of the Potato Famine.
Don't I get a say after I invested in all this lovely equipment? I'm not paying for any of this, by the way.
Of course not! I wasn't gonna ask you to chip in, even though it is our podcast.
Let's see if Mabel's free.
I'll call her.
Or should I text? Calls bother them for some reason.
I think it's a text.
What sounds more casual? "Dear Mabel" or "Greetings, Mabel"? Hey.
Ooh, our last Gut Milk shipment.
Your next Gut Milk shipment.
Plus, I wrote down everything I could about that shit ball Tim Kono.
May he rest in peace.
But, - if anybody catches you with this - I will burn it and snort the ashes like it's 1982.
- Don't you worry.
- Oh, and this is from Bunny.
"If you do not pay within the next 24 hours, your water and power will be shut off.
" She said I had two weeks! She wants your ass out, baby.
Gotta give Bunny her money! Hey! I figured out the perfect greeting for the text! - And these are - Candid photos I took of our neighbors, matched with official complaints we got from Ursula.
Cool, but why are they all selfies? So I don't draw suspicion.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
So so you think that Sting, musical icon Sting, killed Tim Kono? I'm just a fan.
He lives in the building, and I always wanted a picture with him.
You know.
I'll move it over here.
I could get him to sign it later.
- How do we even start with these? - Well how do you sculpt an elephant? You start with a block of marble, and you chip away everything that isn't elephant.
We do the same thing.
We eliminate everyone who isn't a killer, until we're left with the person who is.
Intriguing, and yet totally backwards.
When you cast a show, you don't say, "I'm looking for not a Brad Pitt-type.
" You say who you are looking for.
All right.
I am looking for a guy I saw going up the stairs in a tie-dyed hoodie the night of the fire alarm when Tim died.
And I'm looking for the mysterious Tim's fiancée.
What if tie-dye guy is the fiancé? Guys, guys, guys.
We need one lead.
One lead.
Stop! I know how to do this.
Congrats! On making it this far.
You should all feel very proud indeed.
But as you know, there can only be one Tim Kono's murderer.
I'm looking for motive.
I'm looking for means.
But most of all I'm looking for moxie.
Ah! The needy therapist.
I did it.
I'm a bad therapist.
Okay, you know what? I can't with the neediness.
Step to the back line, please.
Okay, ye Ladies, I-I don't have a clue what's happening here, but none of it's interesting.
Ah! The murderous matriarch from next door.
I did it.
And I would do it again for the square footage and that view.
The only view you're going to have is from the back line! No one wants a murder podcast about real estate! People, you-you can't look like you want it too much.
- Big mistake.
- Pay your bills! Pay your bills! Oliver Putnam Pay your fucking Bills! Bunny, why are you singing? Well, this is a musical, right? Not with you in it.
Back line! Ah Evelyn's cat daddy.
Oh, had a lot of complaints about Tim.
Tim complained a lot about Evelyn.
He said she gave him asthma attacks.
He threatened to shoot her.
Oh, so you knew Tim had a gun.
That's right.
She had nine lives, but I cut his one short.
- Stay put.
- Curiosity killed the cat, but I killed Tim Kono - Okay, you wanna lose the gig? Keep talking! All right, everyone! With the exception of Howard Morris Back line.
We have our lead.
Howard Morris.
Tim threatened to kill his cat, and he knew that Tim had a gun.
Plus, those paw prints in Tim's blood.
- Correct.
- So, what's our plan? Well, it's an audition.
W-w-we meet with him, bring up Tim Kono, see what he does.
I'm sorry.
The plan is to meet with a murderer, bring up a dangerous topic till he snaps, reaches under the sofa, pulls out the murder weapon, and kills us all? And we record him.
For the podcast.
Ha, ha! No, no, no.
I-I can't Is that even legal? Oh, that's a good point.
We might have to tell him he's being recorded.
But subtly, of course, 'cause I don't think he'd like that.
Can I keep this when we're done? No, no.
I have to return all this stuff in 30 days to get our money back.
No! We can't rush this.
Promise me we're not rushing this.
I'll see you later.
Wait, you're not coming? W-where are you gonna be while we interview a murderer? Oh, just producer stuff.
Good luck.
What the shit was that? Hey Oliver.
Teddy, my God.
You do not age! I need the name of your witch! Oh God.
What do you need? Come on in.
Now, we need to be careful.
Howard could snap if he feels threatened.
Okay, that's why I think - we should just hit him with the charm.
- Good.
Excellent, so I'll take the lead on this.
- Excuse me? - Well, I'm an actor.
I can turn on the charm.
Is it on now? It's warming up.
- Hello - Hello.
Lobby? Yes, please.
Oh! I see you're a musician.
Oh, good eye.
I'm actually first chair bassoon in the City Symphony.
First chair, Mabel.
She's first chair.
I heard.
I don't know what that means.
Wait a minute.
Is that your bassoon I hear playing through the courtyard every night? Oh, I'm sorry.
I should close my window.
No, it's lovely.
I think of it as the sound of the Arconia.
That's really sweet.
Um, the echoes help me hear my pitch, and if I need to adjust my embouchure.
Of course.
Mabel, the embouchure is is a mouth position.
It was nice meeting you.
I'm Jan.
I'm Charles.
Get some, Mr.
- I will not.
- Not with that attitude.
Is my nose bleeding? No.
Well, let's go.
I'm gonna get Howard to talk.
You just make sure he knows he's being recorded.
Right, right.
Testing! Testing! Some good memories, huh, Teddy? Makes me so happy seeing them up.
It would be nice if I had posters of the shows you talked me out of investing in.
- Les Mis? - Yeah, I know.
"It's such a downer, Teddy, and all over a loaf of bread?" - Well, it was.
- Mamma Mia.
"I didn't like ABBA when they were ABBA.
" - Yeah.
- Hamilton.
They picked the one Founding Father with no pizazz.
- That was wrong - Look, Oliver, I don't mean to rush.
Uh, you know my son, Theo.
We have a thing we need to I-I won't be long.
I promise.
Can you Can you sign that to him? Thank you! So-so Teddy, um I'm doing a podcast.
A true crime podcast about a murder that took place in our own building.
Raise your hand if you just got chills.
But And it isn't just the story of a man's death.
It is about our craving for truth.
Our hunger for justice.
And that's why I think Dimas Delis is the obvious sponsor.
Hold on.
You're really asking me for money? Well, I wouldn't, uh, put it like that.
I-I'm just saying that you can advertise for the very low cost of $32,000.
- Oliver! Motherfucking hell! - Oh, come on, Teddy, I know there's a part of you that misses me, - and misses the magic we made.
- Oliver, I loved our shows.
It's setting money on fire I don't care for.
But listen, let's grab a drink some time.
Oh, I would love that.
When is good? - When it doesn't cost me 32K.
- Ah.
What a putz.
Uh, hi, Howard.
We just wanted to see how you were holding up since Evelyn.
Thank you.
I wish I were dead.
I'm sorry.
Things have gotten a bit away from me.
Oh, it's okay.
Um, do you have another cat, Mr.
Morris? No.
This is all Evelyn's.
If I don't touch anything food, water, toys I can pretend she's still here.
You know, I heard this once, and maybe you can appreciate it.
A cat never really leaves you because they transmit parasites.
I'm sure Evelyn was very clean.
She was.
Thank you.
It seems like everyone in the building loved her.
- Mm-hmm.
- Unlike Tim Kono.
I'm sorry, I just I link them because they both died the same day.
- Right.
- And people didn't really like Tim Kono.
No, people did not.
I hear.
Really? What did you hear exactly? Just I shouldn't speak ill of the dead.
Tim was a prick.
Yes, he certainly fuckin' was.
We saw him on the elevator the other day.
What did he do? That fuck.
He berated someone over the phone.
Typical Tim.
Something about a missing ring Hm.
He was always upset about something.
It got worse recently.
I heard that he got fired from his investment firm for losing a big client a lot of money.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Did Tim ever get upset with Evelyn? What kind of person leaves their window open, and then gets mad at a cat for wandering in? Evelyn wasn't a vindictive girl, but I know that she is happy Tim is dead.
Uh My God, she's beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's not Evelyn.
- I could've sworn - That's Barbara.
She was a bitch.
Still, it's so nice that she's up there, too, because it's like you're being recorded.
- What was that? - I said she's watching you, so it's like you're being recorded.
I-I wouldn't put it that way.
Why would you say it like that? Uh, I I don't know.
You were saying Evelyn was happy that Tim died? - Whoa! Jesus! - What did you do? Oh, sorry.
What is wrong with you? What the fuck! Oh my God! Go get ice! Ice! Go! Shit.
Uh Just get ice! Ice? Ice.
Oh my God.
Uh Ah! Jeez Will you hurry? What the fuck! God You're taking too long! Hurry, Brazzos! Oh my God, oh my God, uh Quick! Howard, are you okay? I have vasovagal syncope.
I I I faint at the sight of blood.
Well, that that sucks.
Probably keeps you from doing a lot of things, like being present for bloody murders.
You know, there's a cat in your freezer.
Yes, I know that.
I think Tim poisoned Evelyn, and then killed himself.
I'm getting a toxicology report done.
Makes sense.
It's just that she's next to your food Touching it.
Is it cancer? I just need to know how invested I should get in you.
- You don't adopt a 20-year-old dog.
- I'm not dying.
It's anxiety.
It happens sometimes when I talk to people.
But I have it managed.
I just don't talk to people.
Or go on dates.
Or know my neighbors.
Well, you know me.
- And you are? - Not going to laugh at that.
I don't blame you.
I'm gonna get some air.
So I guess Howard is alibied out.
What? You bought that? The fainting act? I can spot actors a mile away.
Any word from Oliver? Nothing.
My agent always said he was unreliable.
She said, "Don't even go audition for him.
" - 'Course it's moot because I'm offer-only - Bye! Uh, bye.
What are you up to? Jesus.
Original posters like this go for five, sometimes 10,000.
And I'm a little strapped right now.
You can't sell this.
Wasn't this your biggest show? No, no.
This was my biggest flop.
There were bigger flops.
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.
There is no bigger flop than my show.
We got bad reviews before we even opened.
You didn't see water on a stage for 10 years.
It caused three bankruptcies, two insurance investigations.
I'm sure it had some good moments.
Well, at the end of the first act, there was this amazing number where 12 merman dove from a high pier into a pool built into the stage floor.
But, the first night of previews, they'd been having problems with the hydraulics that lowered the floor.
But, I said - "Go for it.
" - Uh-huh.
And as each merman sang, "Make a splash " they all dove down from the high pier, one by one.
Make a splash! Make a splash And I can still hear the sound of them all hitting the floor.
All 12? All 12.
Chorus boys tend to stick together.
- Well, you made a mistake.
We all make mistak - No one died, right? - No.
Yeah, well, okay.
We all make mistakes.
The headline in the Times next day was, - "Splat.
" - Well, if that's the worst of it.
No, it's not.
I put my own money in the show.
But, it wasn't actually mine.
It was my son's college fund.
I not only lost my career with the show, but making it all about me I lost my family as well.
It can happen.
Trust me, I know.
You can lose a lot with one big mistake.
But the world needs Oliver Putnams.
You push people out of their comfort zone.
I mean, I don't like to get involved with people, but I just met a very strange man, and knocked a frozen cat out of his freezer.
I-I still have its leg! Oh, Jesus! It's warm now, and that smell is new, but it's also kinda thrilling, and it's all because of you.
I mean, you're insane, but that's usually who people want to follow.
You can't lose that.
You know, I spent all day looking for some cash to make this podcast special.
You know, let me put some money into that sound equipment.
It's our show.
- Oh, no, no.
You don't have to do that.
- No, I want to You owe me 4,500.
I prefer cash.
Where you going? Oliver Putnam is not gonna take no for an answer.
Hi, Mr.
I don't know if you remember me, but I do.
Do you need something fixed? N-no.
The apartment is fine.
Everything's fine.
Um, I was just looking for Oscar.
Wasn't he getting out this week? He's not here.
Okay, well, can you tell him I'm looking for him, and if No.
I won't do that.
My son needs a fresh start.
Don't come here again.
Time for that drink, Teddy.
Please, don't make me move.
No, no, no, please, please, please.
I-I Do you remember the day I sold you on the pool for Splash? You bought in because I was confident and charming and young.
You were around 58.
Well, that's not the point.
An hour before you got there, I was so nervous.
Hyperventilating over what kind of wine to open.
Yet an hour later, you saw a confident salesman.
But it was all pretend.
The false arrogance of youth.
Again, you were nearly 60.
Yeah, but I'm older now.
And I have learned, Teddy.
No one who promises big things knows what's gonna happen.
But, it's the ride that counts.
I think I am onto something great here, and I swear to you, I'm not gonna let you down.
Let's make a real splash this time.
But with a podcast, Oliver? Well, it starts with a podcast, but you know, with me, it's always gonna be more.
What was it? 32K? Now, it's 35.
Always more.
Come on, girl.
Ooh, sorry.
Let's go.
Oh! There we go.
There you go, Winnie.
Well, hello there, Sting! - Your dog, please.
- Oh.
Winnie, don't stand so close to Sting.
She's just on edge after that upsetting death the other night.
Which I'm actually doing a podcast about.
Um Kind of a bid deal.
People seem to think it's a big deal Did you, uh, by chance, know Tim Kono? Are you suggesting I had something to do with that? No, no, no, no, no.
I-I was just It was just a-a question in passing.
Please, your dog.
Yes, I'm sorry.
- Control him! - Yes, I'm sorry.
Winnie is just a big fan.
I don't like dogs.
- Do you have a dog? - I have a dog.
I don't like him either.
Ah, well, this-this has been a You liked it, right? Is that what my face is saying? Oh hey! Listen, uh, uh, before we wrap up, I have a little announcement to make.
We are now the proud parents of a new - podcast.
- What does that mean? We just published our first episode.
Or dropped.
We-we dropped it.
Like it was hot.
Excuse me, when did we do that? - An hour ago.
- I can't find it.
Oh, try Dimas Chicken Wraps Presents Only Murders in the Building.
I got us a big fat sponsorship.
Teddy had one condition.
Because it's Chicken Wrap month, he needed us to drop the first episode right away, so You rushed it.
Big surprise.
This is an Oliver Putnam Production.
How we doing? Any audience? Found it.
Four listens so far.
In only an hour? At this rate, we're gonna be, like, at two million by Thursday.
- Any comments? - Oh yeah.
"Charles-Haden Savage is a " I-it's good.
It's a-a good, nice comment.
- It's good? Oh.
- Yeah, I bet it's good.
Did you use my concertina music? - I should really be going - I knew it.
You know what? I am the worst.
So, basically, you released our podcast, we have no real theories, let alone a prime suspect.
When we have 12 listeners, maybe we can worry.
Okay, you know what? I've got this.
I'm all over it! Worry not! And I'm fucking worried.
I'm so fucking worried.
I've directed 212 theatrical productions and I've always found my lead.
Everyone! Exciting, right? Still got a shot! Five, six, seven, eight! It takes a particular eye to know who's got that special star spark Order the hat! Back to the newsstand! and who's just a background player.
Bunny! If this were a children's show, you'd be scaring the children.
Get out.
Real estate woman.
Get out! Everyone, stage right! Go away! Get off the stage! Leave! I know they're here, in the Arconia, waiting to be discovered.
Winnie? Winnie? What's wrong, girl? Oh my God.
Who would do this to you? Don't stand If we began with the question, "How well do you know your neighbors?" Don't stand so close to me Turns out, the answer is your most well-known neighbor Don't stand so close to me might be the one you know the least.
Don't stand Don't stand so Don't stand so close to me Tim Kono was murdered by someone in this building.
I hated Tim Kono.
That shit ball, Tim Kono.
I'm happy Tim is dead.
He once yelled at me for smoking outside! Look, nobody liked him, - but can we all just be grateful he's gone? - Shit.
I think our list of suspects just got a little longer.
The killer poisoned my dog.
"End the podcast or I end you.
" Who did this? You think Tim's death is my fault.
Twist! We have an unexpected turn of events! You're a simpleton.
Damn it, I didn't get that.
Can you call me a simpleton again? - You're a simpleton.
- Oh, thank you.
We need one lead.
I'm looking for Tim's fiancée.
He got fired for losing a big client a lot of money.
I found all these in his apartment.
We're dying for the next episode! We may be too! This is our strongest suspect yet.
If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it now or never.
I'm sorry The plan is to meet with the murderer, bring up a dangerous topic until he snaps, reaches under the sofa, pulls out the murder weapon, and kills us all.
And we record him for the podcast.

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