Only Murders in the Building (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

Fan Fiction

1 The actor who played Brazzos - has his own podcast now.
- JIMMY FALLON: What? My name is in Fallon's mouth! Wow! You've got more coming, right? MABEL: Someone left that for me at the front desk.
It's Tim Kono's phone.
- What? - Whoa! Tim thought he was gonna get murdered? He'd been trying to take down this black market jewelry dealer named Angel.
CHARLES: Say hello to Angel.
Teddy Dimas? I'm writing you a check, and it's gonna be large.
CHARLES: That's right.
Our prime sponsor is now our prime suspect.
MABEL: Hey, where'd you get that? - Found it.
- MABEL: Why was Tim after the ring - that Zoe had the night she died? - OSCAR: No, she didn't have it.
Not when she died.
MAN: What does it mean to be a fan of something? [STREET NOISE.]
For me, it means undying absolute loyalty.
Being a fan is like being married.
You don't quit, no matter how bad it gets.
That's how I feel about the Only Murders podcast.
Can't believe it's been another week without a new episode.
The fuck are they doing up there? They just went silent.
- Watch the language around Grant.
- What do I fuckin' care? Guys, what if we see Bunny? [LAUGHS.]
Or Howard the cat guy? Or Charles, Oliver, Mabel? I don't know what I'd do.
I don't wanna leave this spot until they reveal who killed Tim Kono! Calm down, Sam.
Pass the holes.
SAM: We call ourselves the Arconiacs.
We met on a message board: The Itty-Bitty Omit-Bitty Committee, which I founded.
Ever since Fallon, OMITB has been having a moment, but we are the day-oners.
Some fans are Mabelines.
Some are Haden-Maidens.
A few, like me, are Putnuts.
Oliver's my favorite.
I've been a member of six different true crime podcast fan communities but I have never had less faith in a creative team than I do right now.
And what about that Sting cameo? Like Sting's gonna be the murderer.
A whole episode with no stakes.
Okay, guys, why are you being so negative? Do you even like this podcast? - Love it! - It's a revelation.
Well then, trust the team, okay? You want stakes? You're gonna get stakes.
They're probably right around the corner.
What is that smell? Jeez, I don't know.
It-it Smells like formaldehyde.
You know, they use that to preserve corpses.
Corpses? [PANTING.]
Do you know that I was the first director to use a real cadaver on stage? In Tuesdays At Bernie's.
It was my dual adaptation of Tuesdays With Morrie and Weekend At Bernie's.
Theo, Theo, Theo.
Listen to me.
I Oh, I'm sorry.
I know that was insensitive.
It's a touchy subject.
I Ow! Now, now, Theo.
These are friends.
Apologies for my son.
He hates the theater, but he's very dramatic.
T-Teddy, this is all just a m-mis Why are we at a dump? Are you gonna leave these dead bodies here? [LAUGHS.]
I like you.
You ask interesting questions.
Let me give you a lift home.
I like this seat.
Theo can't read my lips or see me in the rear-view, which is nice.
Because it's not good for a son to hear, or see, his father say certain things.
For a long time, I felt ashamed to have a deaf son.
It ended my marriage, actually.
That and, you know, all the whores.
But then I grew to appreciate Theo's perspective.
I learned ASL, which many parents of deaf children do not do.
Did you know that? - Is that right? - Yeah, I've heard that.
I didn't know that.
Through Theo, I realized the beauty of silence.
It makes for beautiful friendships and partnerships when those who may know certain things about you can act as if they never heard those things.
We hear you loud and clear, Teddy.
Or we don't.
I don I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about.
I'm talking about what you've heard and seen about me.
My side jewelry interests.
Which I admit is fascinating in a ghoulish and psychologically compelling way.
A good subject for a podcast, just not yours.
Because your podcast needs to end.
You can end it with dignity.
Or you can end it posthumously.
We know what you did to Tim Kono.
We don't know shit about Tim Kono.
That's why I feel at ease here.
That, and I know Ollie would never say bad things about someone - who's been so good to him.
- No, no, no, no.
Here's what I'd like.
To wake up tomorrow morning, say 7:00 AM, to find a final episode of the show I so generously fund, and hear that you are wrong.
Sadly, Tim Kono shot himself, and, uh, the reason why is going to be loneliness.
Or some thinky shit like that.
- It's definitely an area.
- TEDDY: But make it good.
You're the artists.
I'm just a guy with some delis who'd hate to see any more bad things happen to the tenants in his building.
You'll make the right choice.
Because if you don't, well, I know where you live.
- Hey.
- Go, go, go.
Hey! Uh, Oliver? Whoa.
- Wait, are you Mabel? - That's totally Mabel.
Oh my God, do we have fans? Oh, thank God, we have fans! - Where's the new episode? - Shouldn't you be recording? Yeah, we don't work for you, you vultures! - Okay.
I'm so sorry.
We're in a hurry.
- We believe in you.
I'm sorry, where did you get that? Oh, homemade merch.
Worked on it myself, so Out of curiosity, how much would you pay for an official one? Oh my God, Putnam, let's go! [LAUGHS.]
That was a classic Oliver-Mabel exchange! - Hey, we're dying for the next episode! - We may be, too! - [SAM LAUGHING.]
Open up! It's us! You know, we really oughta have a key in case he falls in the tub.
He's not steady on his feet, you know.
Charles! Oh hey, come in.
Charles is getting bagels.
Okay MABEL: So, uh, did you and Charles - How do I say this? - Celebrate one another's bodies? Oh, we went right there.
Oh Jesus Okay.
Brazzos was our safe word.
And what's the safe word for me to get out of this conversation? Are you guys okay? Oh, do you want a Splenda? Jan, please, we're focused on staying alive here.
Okay, no Splenda.
You know, there's some not-so-great studies.
Hey! Hey, guys! Glad to have you back! What a morning! Sure is.
We've had quite the time.
We survived a truck full of corpses and an implicit death threat from Teddy Dimas, but good thing you got bagels.
Well, actually, I just got enough for Jan and me, but Wait, you know what? That's not true because these blueberry bad boys are going right into the freez Did you say "death threat"? - Uh-huh.
- Dimas threatened to kill us.
- Are you alright? - OLIVER: Oh, Tim-Tom-riffic.
But Teddy And he never mentioned this to me, you know how modest he can be Turns out, is a psychotic grave robber, who says that if we don't drop a final episode by morning, saying that he did nothing, he's gonna drop a few bullets in our skulls.
JAN: Teddy Dimas doesn't know what we know, and we know a lot more now.
What do we know? Jan and I spent the morning going through Tim Kono's phone, and we made a ton of secret discoveries.
Let's just say it sends our investigation into a whole new direction.
Okay Isn't she a natural? [BOTH GROAN.]
Tim was a meticulous record keeper.
There are notes and photos in here.
There's scans of receipts and newspaper clippings.
So, putting them all together, we found out why he was after the Dimases.
He saw Teddy's son Theo push a girl from the roof here at the Arconia almost 10 years ago.
It was Theo that Tim saw.
Teddy threatened Tim to keep him quiet, but Tim was working to bring Teddy down till the day he died.
And then he stopped.
Yeah 'cause Teddy killed him! Whoa, let's not leap to conclusions 'cause I don't see that in this phone.
- Okay, I can't.
I can't do this.
- Um, Charlie? - A word.
- Sure.
- I'll set these up.
We're sharing.
- Alright.
- Isn't she the best? - Oh, totally.
- J-just love her.
So many opinions.
- Yes, we're very, very happy for you, okay? But, there's something that may have happened.
We had sex.
Ew, yes.
Okay, I know that, but shit just got super real, and if we want to take down Dimas before 7:00 AM, first Is that what we're gonna do? A nod or a "no," guys - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then, we need real help.
We need real backup.
- Who from? - The person who gave us Tim's phone.
I'll handle this.
I played this scene a million times on Brazzos Oh, don't say that word.
How can I help you? [DISTANT SHIP HORN.]
It's money time, baby.
Payday's here, and the check is in the mail.
As in the deceased murdered male at the Arconia, Tim Kono.
That's right.
I said murdered.
Okay, I heard murdered, but what the fuck else was the rest of that? Well, it's, uh, police talk, - isn't it? - No.
We are part of a concern that has reason to believe Tim Kono was murdered by the Dimas family.
- The deli people? - Delis, but also crime.
Based on the evidence we found on Tim's phone.
And how did you get said phone? - Well, you gave - Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh Maybe whoever did that still has some lingering questions about Tim's death, and is up against enormous obstacles and was hoping you could help them by releasing a podcast episode with all your evidence.
So, it was you.
I mean, if we make that episode DETECTIVE WILLIAMS: You don't want to be sitting ducks.
I got you.
I'm low-key running a tox report and fingerprint scan off the laptop someone typed Kono's goodbye on.
The rest is on you.
Thank you so much.
And I am so, so sorry about the things that Charles and Mabel said about you in episode one.
And two.
Some of three.
Okay So, let's just make sure we keep this tight.
Okay? Especially if you're accusing the Deli King? Alright? So, get the who, the how, the why, and the why now.
Get-get the what and the what? See, why would you say what? I never said what.
There's no what.
It's the who, the how, the why, and the why now.
Alright? Make the case.
And make sure it's super fuckin' tight! And we need to make it by morning.
CHARLES: The who, - and the - MABEL: The-the who - OLIVER: The who, the what - CHARLES: Not the what.
- OLIVER: No! The why! The why.
- MABEL: How OLIVER: Oh, I think the night in the truck is starting to get to me.
Is anyone hungry? I cannot function with all this pressure and nothing to dip.
CHARLES: But what do we have for the why now? MABEL: Nothing, really [KNOCKING.]
CHARLES: Oh! Homemade pizza rolls.
Oh, that's great Well, I guess the mystery of what we're gonna snack on is solved! [LAUGHS.]
I want to show you this place.
No to this.
I totally agree.
But, gotta admit, these pizza rolls smell good.
What do you think? - Stop.
Did someone order up a party? [SIGHS.]
Hey Oscar.
Thanks for finally answering my texts.
I've been a little preoccupied - and minorly traumatized.
- Huh? I got big news about the case.
Oh, what's that smell? I'm starving.
Nice to meet another member of the team.
Hi, I'm Jan.
Uh, Oscar.
Those look amazing.
And homemade! I mean, how fun is this? We're becoming a community.
- OSCAR: Mm-hmm.
- So, what's the big news? Oh, I met up with that Cutter guy.
Oh, that's the jewelry connection.
The one Tim met up with before he got iced.
Okay, so did you get the green ring? OSCAR: No, that's the thing.
Cutter sold it.
To Kono.
Tim actually got it the day before he was killed.
Tim had Zoe's ring? No, no.
We didn't find it in his apartment, and I have every piece of jewelry he had in there.
Maybe whoever killed him took it.
- The Dimases! - OLIVER: Yeah.
I mean, who else would care about that ring? That's direct evidence! - And that's our why now.
- Oh, is it though? I don't know.
It It's all circumstantial without the ring.
We don't know the Dimases have it.
Always wanted to throw that word around.
Oh God, this is so exciting! Thank you for inviting me into this.
Although we didn't.
- I'm sorry? Our pleasure.
It's great.
And now, we need to know how they did it.
If they did it.
Okay, you know what? Guys, I need air and, uh, some dip for these really dry rolls.
These will pair very nicely with Gut Milk.
Oh wait! Hey! Jesus, don't you people have a home to go to? - What happened to the kid? - Grant had a piano lesson.
Also, he got tired of waiting for a new episode.
Kids these days.
- Everything is binge, binge, binge.
- Yeah.
They'll never know the pleasure of waiting for just a crumb of what you want.
My daughter says I'm not welcome at her wedding.
Well Jesus Uh, but-but we know that you are on the cusp of something big, and I want to share in that cusp.
Exactly right.
The resolution is moments away.
It's not just one suspect, right? - Why do you think that? - Logistics.
And the timing with the fire alarm that night.
Well, it-it Anyway, it's all coming together.
- It's amazing! I'm so buzzed! - Ah, thank you.
I feel like Tim Kono the night that he wrote those suicide notes! Uh Are you all busy right now? - No.
- Mm-mmm.
Come with me.
Reinforcements, kids! Oh shit.
- More people? - What is happening right now? Losing it.
Totally losing it! [GASPS.]
You're so pretty.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm? Sam, Paulette, Marv, meet Well, you know them.
You all Big fans of the podcast.
You're Tie-Dye.
And I'm Jan.
Introducing myself.
- Oh.
- Hey.
- Jan is my girlfriend.
- I am? - If you want to be.
- Yes.
MARV: What a handsome couple.
My ex-wife was way younger, too.
Oh man, this is gonna break Haden-Maiden hearts on the boards.
- [SIGHS.]
What I'd give.
Okay, um, us three, we need to talk.
- Excuse me.
- OLIVER: Okay.
- Hey - Uh, hey.
- What are they doing here? - We need help with the how.
- From them? - They know more than we do.
Certainly more than Jan, who is How do I put this politely? Reverse-helpful.
Like a French pig who can sense truffles buried underground from miles away, only the truffles are bad ideas.
That is my girlfriend you're talking about, and we had sex.
I don't know if I said that.
- Please stop talking about that.
- Guys, these fans listen to every episode, over and over.
They're us before we took this on.
Wouldn't we want us on this case before we were us? Not a bad point.
Not a very clear point.
Look, do I wish our fans were a little more hip? Yes.
Do I wish they were a tad more on top of their hygiene? Absolutely.
Do they have a-a confused look in their eyes, like a dog that's heard a strange sound? Yeah.
But, strap that dog to a sled, and, baby, you'll be flying across the tundra.
Tim Kono lives on the ninth floor, but on that night, he got on the elevator with a trash bag from floor six.
Why? How did we miss that? - Floor six is Teddy's floor.
- PAULETTE: Cool, but was it Tim's garbage or was it Teddy's? - It's a good question.
- And did Teddy write those notes? Okay, as I said to Paula Abdul during our production of Hedda Gabler We gotta start thinking outside the box here.
Guys, I know we all like the Dimas stuff, - but what about the cat? - The who? Well, I'm just going over your notes here, and why aren't we looking more at this man, - Howard Morris? - Okay Wait, you're suggesting an entirely new suspect.
- It is outside the box.
- A little too outside the box.
Yeah, I have an idea.
Why don't we shove it back into the box, and hope they don't notice it when we return it.
It's not crazy.
We did look into him at one point, and I still have his cat's leg somewhere I'm just saying he's your first suspect, and he's not a bad one.
- Everyone, everyone, everyone.
You know, I-I In no way do I want to appear pushy here, but please shut up.
I think I've got this.
The suicide notes that Tim Kono had in the trash bag the night he died.
They weren't cries for help.
They were death threats.
- [GASPS.]
Mind blown.
- No! The Dimases were threatening him, promising to make his death look like a suicide.
Teddy threatened us the same way this morning.
- Keep going.
- Oh, I will.
But first, I have to visualize.
I'm a visualizer.
Marv, Marv, I need you to be Theo Dimas, - the deaf son.
- O-okay.
No, no.
Don't, don't [LAUGHS.]
ever do that again.
Paulette, you are the doorman, Lester.
- Psych.
- Okay.
And you, Sam, - you're Tim Kono.
Dead! [LAUGHS.]
But literally.
He is dead.
Flashback! The day of the murder.
Tim Kono enters the Arconia.
And action! [AWKWARDLY.]
Hello, Lester.
- What a normal afternoon - OLIVER: No, no, pointier.
He has a very pointy delivery.
Isn't that right, Mabel? - Pointy? - Well [STAMMERS.]
just try it.
Hello, Lester.
Did I happen to receive a package with a ring in it? No, not today, Mr.
Okay, so Tim enters his apartment, and then fire alarm.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! So then, he opens his door, and Theo Dimas pushes his way in.
No, no, no.
Too-too rough.
- Too rough, Marv.
- But, I'm a killer.
We're just marking, Marv! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Okay.
They fight.
Theo wants to protect his dad from Tim exposing all his father's crimes.
He punches him in the stomach.
Same way that, you know, I was punched in the stomach at the dump.
Tim gasps for air.
And then a pistol goes in his mouth.
We'll work on that.
And finally, remember what Detective Williams said about the fingerprints? Theo types the suicide message.
And that's how it all went down.
What do you think? Kind of a confusing theory.
Oh please, you're in a love daze.
It's air-tight.
And it's the how, so we have to get the recording equipment.
I don't know, you guys.
Don't you think it feels a little too easy? I mean, I'd take another look at Howard.
Tim did not die because of a cat, Jan.
He died because of jewels, and a ring, and if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it now or never.
It's 5:30 in the morning, and we all know how you need a few takes before you're warmed up.
Uh, Jan, we kinda worked on this as a team together.
And I'm not on the team.
Well, I wouldn't put it like that.
Oh, I would because your input is destructive, and your pizza rolls are chewy.
Now, normally, I could forgive one of those things, but not both.
You ate six of those pizza rolls, and they're starting to show.
I beg of you.
Please, exit.
- Oh, I'll exit.
- No, no, you have great ideas Charles, let her go.
We're on the clock.
Ja I think she's mad at me.
Oh, she's definitely mad at you.
Okay, we need to start recording this now.
Sam, any time, you can get up.
Are we sure-sure about this? We've taken a lot of money from Teddy Dimas.
I just wanna be sure-sure-sure.
CHARLES: And that concludes the final episode of Only Murders In The Building.
We'll be back in the unlikely event another neighbor is murdered or we move to a more dangerous area.
I'm your host, Charles-Haden Savage.
There it is.
We're done.
Did you really like it!? I feel like I just watched Prince record Purple Rain.
- You really did it.
- Down comes the Deli King.
Make sure your friends listen.
Go spread the word.
And find some other interests.
It's a big wide world out there.
- Congratulations.
We love you guys.
- MABEL: Thank you.
Oh, love you.
Love you.
- Would love to talk merch.
- OLIVER: No, no.
I actually do have a job.
- I don't believe that.
- Thanks for being super fans.
Okay, before we send this [DOOR SHUTS.]
we need to show somebody a sneak preview.
Tim Kono had stumbled upon Teddy Dimas' side business of grave robbing jewels from the dead.
No shit.
And the day Tim was murdered was the day he finally got the evidence that backed up his story of what he saw the night his friend Zoe died.
Tim returned to the Arconia that day to be greeted by an ominous warning waiting under his door.
A suicide note.
So, he stuffed the note in a trash bag and took the elevator down to six.
He confronted Teddy with the trash bag at Teddy's doorstep, then flashed a gun he recently bought on the black market.
The gun that would become the murder weapon.
Teddy pulls the fire alarm, lingers outside Tim's apartment.
When Tim tries to leave, Theo stuns him with a punch to the stomach.
The alarm covers the gunshot, Dimases make sure to blend in with the residents walking downstairs during the fire alarm.
CHARLES/SAM: Confident they had gotten away with murder.
Something's bothering me.
Why would the Dimases sponsor a podcast they knew might out them? Hubris, I guess.
Everybody always blames hubris.
- You really buy that? - Sometimes the truth is weird, okay? SAM: Real life doesn't always resolve like mysteries do.
ALL: Cheers! God bless us.
Oh, no.
Mm! You know, I'm gonna miss this case a little - MABEL: Me, too.
I know how you feel about Tim, but I did find this.
I can't reverse time, but I've been gathering all the jewels and evidence I can find to prove the crimes of Teddy Dimas.
I even have a lead on the emerald ring that can prove what I saw the night Zoe died.
It's all I can do to try to make up for what happened, and for Oscar Torres, who was like a brother to me, to begin to say I'm sorry.
Even though I can't forgive myself for my silence, and for all he lost so unfairly, starting on that New Year's Eve.
SAM: And while some clues are important, some lead nowhere.
Yeah, man, as soon as the chief saw "Dimases did it" trending, he told me to pick him up.
: Can you believe that this is how crimes are solved now? [LAUGHS.]
I know.
Isn't it fantastic? And I'm genuinely impressed.
You nailed them.
Fully nailed them.
Teddy Dimas is in a world of trouble for the Cassidy death, that grave robbing insanity, and now this? So we should be thankful that this mystery did have a tidy ending.
The Dimases did it.
Case closed.
WILLIAMS: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on.
Oh shit.
Fuck, man! Is that a good "shit fuck fuck"? Tox report's back.
Tim Kono was poisoned! He was already dead when he was shot.
And if one of the neighbors on two has a Ring camera pointed at the courtyard.
Man, I'm sitting here looking at timestamped photos from that night of the Dimases outside before the fire alarm even went off! They weren't even in the building when Tim was killed! Oh God.
Guys! I hate saying this, but, uh, there may still be a murderer in the building.
MABEL: Wait, what do you mean? You mean my girlfriend was right? Wait, you've got a girlfriend? Nobody ever listens to me or Jan! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
Jan? Jan, it's Charles.
Jan! Jan! J Help! Anybody! Help!
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