Only Murders in the Building (2021) s03e01 Episode Script

The Show Must...

CHARLES: Welcome to
our killer reveal party,
where we will reveal Bunny's killer.
We've been on to you
since this afternoon.
I just wanted Cinda to notice me.
CHARLES: With that,
another mystery solved. Wow.
- Two murders back-to-back.
- Yep.
You're actually renovating.
- MABEL: Well, it is about time.
- CHARLES: Hey, Joy.
Are you asking me out on a date?
OLIVER: Broadway?
I think I-I would be perfect for that.
And who's the star?
Everyone gets opening night jitters!

- I'm good!
- Fasten your seat belts.
What turned me into a
creature of the night?
- OLIVER: Somebody! Anybody!
CHARLES: He's not moving!
WOMAN: Ben! Call 911!
You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

CHARLES: All the world's a stage
- and all the blah, blah, blah.
We all know how that one goes.
But if you are a theatrical type,
there's a good chance you became smitten
at a very young age.
The sweetest sounds I'll ever hear ♪
Are still inside my head ♪
CHARLES: Seeing the wonders of a life
you might be part of one day,
full of stories and experiences
you can only dream about
from the eighth row,
behind two beehives in row seven.
The most entrancing sight of all ♪
Is yet for me to see ♪
And the dearest love ♪
In all the world ♪
Is waiting somewhere for me ♪
Is waiting ♪
Somewhere ♪
Somewhere for me ♪
CHARLES: Once smitten though,
then comes the work.
Of classes and training

Of speech and technique
honing your craft,
as you pound the pavement
in New York City,
auditioning for anything and everything,
all in pursuit of that
moment in the spotlight
where you hope someone might see you,
really see you, and
say those magic words.
"Where have you been?"
But what if those
magic words never come?
And it's only rejection,
over and over again,
year after year,
and near miss after near miss,
until you realize that near miss
has become your life.
How do you keep at it with any hope?

CASTING DIRECTOR: Thank you, very nice.
So, someone's shown up
who's not on our list, maybe a walk-in.
I do know her. She's capable,
a little vanilla, but we've got
about 10 minutes until lunch
Yeah, sure. [SNIFFS]
Ready, Durkin, you still there?
Yes! Hi!
Oh, hi. I-I'm so sorry, I thought
My agent assured me
that I was on the list
Do you have the pages
for the role of the nanny?
Y Uh, yes. Is it just the one scene?
That's right. Whenever you're ready.
[HUFFS] Enough!
Enough of your questions, Detective.
I'm happy to tell you who
I am and what it is I do
without your insistent probing.
I am a caretaker of children,
to whom I'm given charge.
Am I a substitute for
the child's true mother?
Some would prefer I
say no, but I believe
I am. I must be
their mother when
it's only me with them.
a child needs to feel, at all times,
They need to feel protected
with the kind of ferocity
only a mother can summon.
It's no matter if they
were born of my own
Would I kill
to protect a child in my charge?
That is the question you have
for me, I assume, Detective?

To that, I would say
without so much as blinking,
I would kill without compunction
for the sake and safety
of any child in my care.
now, you have your answer.
Where have you been?

CHARLES: But when you
finally do land your dream,
your moment in that spotlight
I said, where have you been?
How far would you go to hang onto it?
Oh, thank you!
Oh, thank you! [LAUGHING] Oh, gosh!
Help me
- [THUD]
OLIVER: Somebody! Anybody!
He's not moving!
WOMAN: Ben! Call 911.
- MAN: I don't feel a pulse.
MAN: I'm trying to wrap
my head around it myself.
No, don't you under
No, they already pronounced him!
They pronounced him!
Was there any foam around his mouth?
Foaming would indicate poisoning.
I only saw blood. Mabel!
What are you doing?
Could be natural causes or one
of those, uh, rupture things.
Charles, please! It's opening night,
and a big star in the prime of
his life drops dead on stage?
OLIVER: Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. Oh, my God. He's dead.
He's dead. Ben's dead.
My leading man is dead!
- Hey, it's not your fault, Oliver.
- No, that's right it's not my
What? Of course, it's not my fault!
Okay, Howard,
you go and tell everyone
that it's all gonna be fine.
Tell them, uh, that we'll
gather back at my place
for the opening night party I planned,
where we'll just sort all of this out.
I really don't think people
are in a party mood right now
Just do it, Howard! Do it!
- Hey, Oliver.
- You okay, buddy?
Oh, my God. Is this really happening?
How did I get here?

- Is this really happening?
- Happy First Read-Through Day!
Am I really going back to Broadway?
I hope so. Why else would I be here?
To support, to give notes,
to translate what the young
people say for Charles.
And because who gets to see you anymore?
True! It's nice to see you.
Well, you know, we're
all just so busy-busy,
and, you know, who are
we without a homicide?
Oliver, I know you're nervous.
I know your last Broadway
show was a disaster.
Everyone knows it. The world knows it.
- Fast forward, fast forward.
- But you, sir,
are a talented young man.
You have a gift for leadership.
And when you asked me
to join this production, I
Hold, please.
- I asked you?!
- Yes, you asked me!
- You know what? Forget it.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Please wax poetic about how
I begged you to be in my play,
even though you haven't been on stage
since men had to play all the women.
You don't need to explain.
In Shakespeare times,
men had to play the women.
- Ah.
- Women weren't allowed.
- It's a, a age joke.
- It's also a career joke.
And I loved it, but
can we talk about me now
and how I cannot believe
I'm going to be in the
same room as Ben Glenroy?
Hair up or hair down? Do
you think he likes ears?
Mabel, actors are just people.
Remember how nervous you
were to meet me at first?
- I don't maybe remember that?
- Yeah, but now look at us.
Hey, when we get there, how do
you wanna handle the entrances?
Maybe you introduce me
and then I come in?
This is a table read, Charles.
It's not The Donna Reed Show.
- Donna Reed was
- It's not worth it.
Okay, now, please do
not start this journey
by alienating all of your colleagues
with some desperate
attempt at peacocking.
No peacocking!
Oliver Putnam in da house!
I have a question.
Who wants to go to Broadway?
We thank you for your attention.
Brief anecdote.
I remember when I auditioned
for Mr. Oliver Putnam
- for this very play.
- It's true.
Do you remember what
you said to me, Oliver?
I sure do. I said,
"How about you be my
assistant, instead?"
- [GIGGLES] That's right.
- Yes.
Word for word.
The floor is yours.
- Thank you, Howard.
So our leading man is
running a skitch late,
but let's go ahead and get started.
I welcome you all to the world
of Death Rattle!
- Oh, my God!
- OLIVER: Yeah.
A story of death
that happens in a lighthouse
in foggy upper Nova Scotia,
where the only person in the
room, when the deaths occurred,
is an infant child.
Now, some may call
this chestnut of a play
a little dusty,
uh, but of course, I've
been called that myself
- a few times, frankly.
When our amazing producer, Donna Demeo,
- first called me about
- With Clifford.
[NERVOUS LAUGH] My son, Cliff,
who is making his first
solo producing effort here.
[SIGHS] But with me.
Thanks, Mom. Thank you, thanks.
I am so super excited
because, like your characters
who are trapped in a hurricane
in a deadly lighthouse,
we're gonna take Broadway by storm!
How about that?
I'm so proud of my boy.
So, so, so, so, so
proud. [GIGGLES]
He's gay, so I can kiss him like that.
Alrighty, then. So, I think that
Oh, I just like doing this.
No, no, if I may. Uh,
we're in a very small room
here, and I'd like to address
the show business elephant inside it,
and that show business elephant is me.
- Oh, dear lord.
I played Aristotle Brazzos
in 224 episodes of dramatic television.
- Aristotle?
- I can't.
As well as a reboot, uh,
which is currently on hiatus
because the producer is
up on harassment charges.
I also starred in three
made-for-TV movies,
uh, and also a series of TV ads
for the Dukakis campaign.
All this is to say
I'm just like you.
I'm nobody special.
I mean, I'm not any more special
because, in a way, we're all
I think it was Gandhi who said,
"Isn't everyone, though, just"
Thank you so much,
Charles. How inspiring.
- That was wonderful.
- Did I stick the landing?
The plane is literally
scattered across the runway.
Alright then! As we await Ben,
why don't we now take a look
at the model for our set?

MABEL: Okay, secret?
I think theater is kinda lame.
People all dressed up in costumes
no real person would ever wear,
acting like nobody's sitting out there
watching them say things no
real person would ever say.
But at least this piece of
theater is a murder mystery.
That, I can get my head around.
And every murder mystery needs a victim.
- It really is
- Okay!
Who farted?
- Ben Glenroy, ladies and gentlemen!
- No, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Thank you. Oh, by the way,
this is my manager, Dickie.
He's not just my manager,
he's also my brother.
But please don't say nepotism
because he gets very
insecure about his abilities.
BEN: He's also the reason we're late.
Dickie had us a, a block over.
No way! You guys!
- This is my cast?
- Yes!
- Yes, and we are so thrilled!
- Hi. I'm Ben.
I'm also trained as an
intimacy coordinator.
Hi, I'm Kimber,
and I didn't realize
we had any love scenes.
What? We're in the
middle of one right now.
- Oh. [LAUGHS]
- Timber for Kimber.
- And you
are way too fuckin' handsome.
Somebody fire him, now!
- I'm Ty.
Oh! If y'all would just
please quick sign these NDAs,
and the last page telling us
you're okay with us filming.
I-I'm sorry, filming?
Yeah. Two, uh, shows
for the price of one.
My Broadway debut, and a documentary
about my Broadway debut.
This is my documentarian,
Tobert. You heard that right.
It's Robert with a T.
Hey, Broadway, I am just an observer.
This is literally the last
time you're gonna hear my voice.
Hello, Ben. I'm Charles-Haden Savage.
- Fuck me!
- Oh wow
Oh, the energy coming from this corner!
Am I right? Do we all feel this?
Ben, this is our Nanny.
- Loretta.
- Yeah.
Oliver tells me you're
one to look out for.
Oh, well, Oliver flatters.
Just don't upstage me.
[LAUGHS] I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- No, I'm honored to work with you.
- LORETTA: Oh my.
Well, my friends are
just beside themselves
that I'm gonna get to
work with The CoBro.
Oh God, no, please. Just Just CoBro.
- Sorry?
- BEN: Yeah, no,
the "the" makes me
sound like an asshole.
- Oh.
- Like the Rock.
Or the Pope. I mean, come on,
get over yourselves. Right?
But, in the films, I'm
just the friendly zoologist
who morphs into a 20-foot cobra
and helps the cops save the day.
Hey, you.
Oh, hi. I loved you in Girl Cop.
Oh, that old thing?
Alright, well, this is exciting.
Shall we take our seats
and start the read?
- Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah! A read-through!
I wanna read! Oh, hey, by the way.
Thanks for the tip on
Amy Schumer's place.
- Just moved in.
- Oh!
Tell her she left a bunch of
cottage cheese in the fridge.
Fuck Fuck Fuckerballs. Fuck.
Dickie? There's cookies here.
Oh no. Ben can't have cookies.
He's on a very strict diet for CoBro,
and cookies are [LAUGHS] a weakness.
Well, not a weakness. I just
- Where are they from?
- Schmackary's.
Oh God, even the name is sexy.
- I'll take them.
- No, it's fine, it's fine. Leave 'em.
Leave 'em! Just
- Let's read.
- OLIVER: Alright!
So, this is kind of exciting.
Shall we begin, KT?
From the top, everyone.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you page one.
I wasn't ready. [CLEARS THROAT]
"It's a night in upper Nova Scotia."
Oh, hot damn! That is a hot Schmackary.
Sorry. I just had a corner.
No more. It's alright.
- Reading.
"A detective makes his
way toward the audience.
He is our narrator."
[DEEP VOICE] "What turned me
into a creature of the night?
"Let me tell you.
"I just finished up a case
in Halifax when I got a call
"about some curious goings-on
at the old Pickwick Lighthouse.
I made my way to see for myself."
"A lighthouse appears, and
a storm shelter door opens.
A nanny emerges from the shelter."
[THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT] "Storm's comin'.
Don't think it's a night
for roaming the rocks."
I-I'm sorry, I think I
missed some of those words.
- Oh, I was trying a Scottish dialect.
- OLIVER: Uh-huh.
Because the nanny's
The nanny refers to a
childhood in Aberdeen.
LORETTA: Um, or, or not.
No, no, no, no, no.
I-It's okay to try things.
L-Let's just go again.
"A nanny emerges from the shelter."
[QUÉBÉCOIS ACCENT] "Storm's coming.
Don't think it's a night
for roaming on the rocks."
French Canadian.
Because it's up in the Maritimes there.
So, a lot of French I'm sorry.
It's [LAUGHS] This is my process.
It's just how I
find the nanny's voice.
OLIVER: You know what?
Maybe we try it slightly
more how you talk.
"A nanny emerges from the shelter."
[FLATLY] "Storm's coming.
[SIGHS] Don't think it's a
night for roaming on the rocks."
"I don't go roaming anywhere."
[WHISPERS] It's you.
[GASPS] Oh, my God, it's me!
[LAUGHS] Oh, I'm so
Oh, I'm sorry, it's me, isn't it?
I-It's your line, yes.
You know what? I didn't
highlight that one.
I'm gonna do that right now.
Good. Now, you'll always have it
there 'cause it's highlighted.

[QUIETLY] Our nanny is a stinkeroony.
[QUIETLY] No, Ben, Ben, she'll be fine.
She's just finding the
voice. You heard her.
Do you hear me, Oliver?
She's a stinkeroony! [SIGHS]
I say give her the boo-tay before we
- get too far down the road.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Tru Just Loretta is very special.
Just let me talk to her, okay?
- Hello.
- Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm
I get nervous
and I'm not good at table reads.
But, please, please don't give up on me.
Listen to me. Um
My first table read,
there was a young actor,
and he got very nervous,
and he was missing lines,
inaudible dialogue. It was painful.
[SIGHS] Yeah.
Everyone tells me to fire him
but I refused.
And you know who that young actor was?
No. No!
No one you'd know. Everyone was right.
He was a train wreck. I
fired him three weeks later.
But you are not that.
You are the opposite of that.
And anyone who has not seen that yet
is either dumb, blind, or
a combination of the two.
- You go,
I go.
Oh, Oliver, gosh
You go,
I go.

Thank you. Thank you.
Okay. Alright. [SNIFFLES]
Oh, my God, Loretta. Where is Loretta?
Loretta is in her dressing
room. She is pretty upset,
but she said she'll try
to make the party.
- Okay.
- Are you sure a party is a
- you know
- What?
No, no, no, no. Spit it out, Charles.
Heap some more suffering
onto my already full plate!
There might be a little
room next to the despair!

- Party sounds nice.

LESTER: Shouldn't be
too much longer, people!
Patience, people, patience!
UMA: Ugh. This is ridiculous.
Safety first. Don't worry.
It's all good. We'll get there.
Uma, I promise you, I'll
get you in. I promise.
- What's going on?
- We'll get there, don't worry.
- The elevator's out.
- Ugh!
Got them working overtime on it.
Should be up and running soon.
- Okay, listen, guys
- The press is already up my ass.
- We need to get a statement out.
- "Ben Glenroy" is trending on Twitter.
So is "RIP Ben Glenroy."
So is "Ben Dead."
So is "Real Housewives"? Oh,
my God, was tonight the reunion?
Yeah, listen.
This is the moment where
producers really matter.
Just because Ben is dead, doesn't
mean the show has to die, too.
Oliver, you're in shock.
The fact this happened in the Goosebury,
the same theater as your Splash
- I'm not saying you're cursed,
but it wouldn't surprise
me if you pissed off
a witch or two in a previous life.
Only seven at a time allowed
in the one that's working.
And tenants have priority status!
Along with the hosts of the saddest
opening night party in history!

LESTER: That's it! That's it.
- DONNA: 10?
- OLIVER: Yes.
At least you had the consideration
to keep the body out of
the building this time.
You always know just what to say, Uma.
It's a goddamn gift.
JONATHAN: Oh, man.
Oh, you're using Ben's
opening night gift.
Yeah, didn't think I'd need it so soon.
It really is a beautiful gift.
I didn't realize
assistants got one, too.
How very generous of Ben.
And I didn't realize stage
managers wiped their nose
with anything other than
the bottom of their palm.
You've got crumbs in your beard.
And let's reach for stars ♪
Oh, great. Let's just leave
all the cellophane on the food.
Hey, Oliver. How you holding up?
I just ate a dinner roll.
Wow, that bad?
The lead of my play left
my stage without a pulse,
and all I can think about is my career.
I don't know, Mabel.
Narcissism should really
be more fun than this.
- Maybe I am cursed.
- Well, shit, Oliver.
My first thought when he went down?
Maybe he was poisoned.
And a podcast about the
poisoning of a big movie star?
That could be big.
And maybe with their play shut down,
and a new podcast in motion,
maybe I could spend more
time with my guys again.
Me more than him, right?
I don't pick favorite olds.
Better to leave it unsaid.
- How you doing, Charlie?
- Aw
- Oh. Traumatized, uh, perplexed.
[QUIETLY] Am I allowed to say relieved?
I mean, my nerves couldn't
take eight shows a week.
But don't tell Oliver I said that.
Oh, I'm a steel trap
Oh, Charlie. [SIGHS]
It's okay to be relieved
that the show is over.
Means more time for us.
It does. Hey, did you
get Lucy home alright?
Yeah. That girl's a lot.
I'm ready to get trashed.

I didn't know you tinkered.
Oh, I tinker.
Keep tinkering.
And the dearest love ♪
In all the world ♪
Is waiting somewhere ♪
For me ♪
BOTH: Is waiting ♪
Somewhere ♪
Somewhere for ♪
Me ♪
I feel better now. How about you?
Good as new. [LAUGHS]
Hey. Can you look at the [SIGHS]
back of my earring? Is the
thing snapped into the thing?
- Are these technical terms?
- No. [SIGHS]
I just had to get outta
my costume so fast,
I'm not sure I hooked it in right.
Wouldn't you know it?
The thing is in the thing.
- Good.
Thank you for making me feel lighter.
If only for a minute.
Oh God. [SIGHS]
I wanted tonight to happen.
For both of us, most of all.
the show may be over
but doesn't that mean
we're not obliged to live
by your show rule anymore?

The one that keeps things
[LAUGHS] and platonic?

- BEN: Okay! Okay!
Who farted?!
Mama's back, bitches!
That's right. I'm alive!
- CHARLES: H-How could you What?
- MABEL: What the fuck?
I was dead, dude.
For, like, an hour. They said it
was like a record in their hospital.
- Right, Dickie?
- Oh, they didn't say
anything like that.
They pumped my stomach.
I barfed up a ton.
I don't know. They said
maybe it was something I ate?
But y-you had blood in your mouth!
Yeah. Well, I bit the fuck
outta my tongue when I fell.
I don't feel it now, though.
[GAGS] Oh, sorry.
The nurses oh, my God.
They were so freaked out.
The doctors were like,
"Do not go anywhere!"
But I had to get back to see you guys!
My cast. My
Oh, wow!
Shit! I did not expect to get emotional!
But, when I was dead, guys?
I saw the light.
That light, yes. The dead person light.
I saw it.
And I saw all the shit that
I pulled with all of you
over these last few months.
And I thought, I can't die like this.
And so, I'm back, and I'm
gonna be so much better.
And we are going to
kick ass with this show.
- You hear me, Oliver?
- Oh, my God.
You're really alive
and so soft.
I'm so sorry I made
everything messy between us.
I fucked up.
But I'm gonna make it right.

Ty. Forgive me, please, for
getting so mad at you for
wanting to use my trainer.
It's just, Hutch is my secret weapon.
And, you know, there's no
shot you can afford him,
but I-I suppose I could
give you his digits.
My understudy.
[LAUGHS] When this started,
I was never gonna let you
ever step foot on that stage,
but, moving forward,
I'm gonna consider it.
Maybe a Wednesday matinee!
- Let's not over-promise here.
- BEN: Ha, Donna!
My beloved producer!
You and your
- Boy.
- It's Cliff.
I know. That's what I
said. Look, um [SIGHS]
I know I haven't been easy to deal with,
with all my complaints about
the size of my dressing room,
and the shape of my dressing room,
and the color palette
of my dressing room.
Basically, everything
I've ever said about my
unnecessarily shitty dressing room.
I take it all back.
I'm really so sorry, Donna.
And I'm so sorry, boy.
- Cliff.
- Right. [SIGHS]
Would be great if we could fix
up my dressing room, by the way.
It's the last time I'm gonna
mention anything, alright?
Pinky swear. Bobo!
Look at Bobo. You know
what? You're s [SIGHS]
You're such a funny guy
and a-all I ever do is say no to you.
But I promise you.
No more no-nos for Bobo.

KT, my bad
for accusing you of stealing my mangoes.
Ataulfo season is really short,
and it's pretty much the only fruit
I can eat on the CoBro Diet.
I know it was coming
from a place of love.
It wasn't, but thank you.
And Loretta. [WEAK LAUGH]
The consummate professional!

CoBro knows a fellow
snake when he sees one.
- And Charles!
- Oh, don't worry about me!
You can skip me! I get it! You're
a new man, which is exciting.
You and I never got
off on the right foot.
- CHARLES: Nope.
- And if anyone here was happy
that I was maybe dead, I bet it was you.
- Yeah.
- I know you don't have
many more years left to hone your craft.
And I get that every day counts.
And after this experience,
I really get it now.
to starting over?
To starting over.
Ben, you gotta take this.
Ben, you gotta take this.
What? Oh. Ben's gotta take this.
Oh. Um
Yeah, I'll go somewhere quieter.
Guys! I'm gonna go up to
my apartment and crash,
shower up, maybe shake off the cobwebs,
but I'll see you this week, alright?
Death Rattle lives!
Word is out. Ben is back.
It's a hell of a story to
reopen a play with, people.
So we're back.
We're all back on Broadway!

- Congrats. You must be thrilled.
- Mm.
I said you must be thrilled.
Ben may be back,
but it doesn't change the fact
that he is a fucking asshole.


CHARLES: I don't know
what to make of any of it.
Dead, not dead. Show, no show.
Wait, so you're just gonna reopen
the show as if nothing happened?
Oh, please. Are you kidding?
Donna and Cliff are gonna make
a meal out of what happened.
- Are you excited, friend? [LAUGHS]
- Yeah!
Eight shows a week! Trouper! [SIGHS]
Oh, I forgot to ask you. Whatever
happened to Joy's crazy aunt?
Oh, she broke up with
the hair transplant guy.
Oh, that's a shock.
Oh, and did her brother ever find
out who sent the vulgar placemats?
- Yeah, Ron.
- Ron, the guy with the chin?
Guys, this is not fair!
You hang out all the time.
I wanna know about Joy's
crazy aunt and Ron.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, Ron's insane.
You don't wanna know about him.
Well, let me know if
he makes more placemats.
Just don't forget about me.
- What does that mean?
You know, I can't get over what
you've done with this place.
MABEL: Yeah, I know.
That's what the people
who bought it said, too.
Your aunt sold the apartment?
I have to be out in four weeks.
- Seriously?
- You're leaving the Arconia?
- I know, I know, but it's
it's time. I mean, I
need to get my own life.
And you can come visit me in Brooklyn.
Or maybe Queens?
I'll come to you.
OLIVER: The most important
part of chasing a dream
is the people who chase
alongside with you.
So I was checking our message boards
on our podcast site the other day,
and people were
wondering where we'd been.
It's kinda nice to be missed.
- Yeah, it is nice.
- Yeah, it is. It is nice.
Those who look beyond the doubters
and choose to believe
your dream will happen
All in good time.

- I guess they fixed the elevator?
[CLEARS THROAT] Should we take it?
I'm sort of nervous to take it.
It's been just a gaping
hole for how many hours now?
Hey. If there's one thing I know,
it's that we're good
at living on the edge.
OLIVER: Those who will go with you
to help make that moment
when you finally arrive
in your own big spotlight
They're the only ones who matter.
You know, Mabel, w-we couldn't
have done the podcast anyway
because Ben didn't die in the building.
Wait. What's that?

You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
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