Only Murders in the Building (2021) s03e10 Episode Script

Opening Night

OLIVER: We know who murdered Ben.
Who do you think did it?
Donna! My beloved producer!
- The spooky sound from opening night.
Someone was in here shredding something.
OM God! I know what this is.
This is Maxine's review
of my original show.
MABEL: Let's say Donna gets
her hands on the review,
which says Ben is the
weak link of the show.
She spots the rat poison.
CHARLES: And she gets
the idea to poison Ben.
Go to your dressing
room. Be nice to Ben.
I'm fasting until after the show.

- Help me

DONNA: People always like to ask me,
"What is it that a producer does?"
I like to reply, "I produce."
And that doesn't mean I
just pay for it, though I do.
I'm the one who gives birth to it all.
It's what I've always wanted to do.
It's what I've always done.
Well, tell him if he can't write a song
that sounds like Andrew Lloyd Webber,
I'll call someone else.
I'll call Andy fucking
Webber. That's who, Carl.
- Ma'am, we're gonna need you to push now.
I gotta go. Just get it done.
I've won nine Tonys.
I've given birth to 34 Broadway shows.
But, if someone asks me
what my favorite thing
I've ever made is.
"Mamma Mia."
Hands down, changed the
trajectory of my whole career.
That's a joke. Producers can be
funny. People don't realize that.
I'm your mommy.
I'll protect you for
the rest of your life.

Hey, Carl.
Tell him the song should be called
- The Rest of Your Life. [LAUGHS]
It's about a parent imagining
a life for their child.
The thing no one tells
you when you first start
is how rewarding producing can be.
Or how dangerous.
- OLIVER: Yeah, b-but I should just
- CHARLES: You're all surprised to see us
- I know who you are You know.
- No.
This is so incredibly exciting!
To be invited into the
inner sanctum like this,
watching you three work.
I imagine it's like being
inside that documentary,
watching, uh, Paul
McCartney write Get Back.
Yeah. That's why they call us
"The Rolling Stones of True Crime."
- No, it's the
- Beatles! I was kidding.
- Oh, okay.
- And thank you for yesterday.
For stopping me from pleading
guilty to Ben's murder.
Well, we know that you were
just trying to protect Dickie,
your son.
And thank you for bailing me out.
- I paid your bail.
- Yes,
but when they said
they didn't take Amex,
I helped you find your Visa.
- Anything for you, mi amor.
- My pea pod.
My little cuddlepups. [CAT-LIKE GROWL]
Ew. Is this what this looks like?
You don't call Tobert "cuddlepups"?
I have a hard enough
time calling him Tobert.
The documentary guy? Are you and he
- Nice!
- Thanks. I know, right?
So, are we sure about Donna?
On opening night, Donna got
her hands on an early review,
and it was a pan. A massacre!
The harshest review in the history of
Okay, I have had, like, six heart
attacks this season, Charles.
Can we move past the shitty
review and just recap what we know?
Okay, so Donna can't
let her son's first show
be a bomb, due to Ben.
So, she shreds the review,
finds the rat poison,
makes a poisonous cookie,
and gives it to him.
A cookie she knows that he can't resist
due to his deep-seated eating disorder.
And, in fact, it was my
unhealthy relationship to dips
that helped us to crack it.

Leave me alone! I'm happy.
I'll get help.
But, the poison didn't kill Ben,
so Donna takes things a step further.
She pushes him down the elevator
shaft at Oliver's afterparty.
Admittedly, it's a pretty
drastic step for her.
- She had to have been
- Sick.
And if she only has a
limited amount of time
to ensure her son's future, I tell you,
a mother will do almost anything.
It's good, but it's thin.
We don't have anything
tying Donna to the push.
We need a confession on tape.
I-It's what we do.
And on opening night.
Okay, let's go over the plan.
Let's start with the bouquet of flowers.
- Can we tweak these?
- Yeah. I did these really fast.
The Oliver lines on card three,
I think I should take them.
- You don't think I can say those?
- Oh no, you could,
- but I think I could do more with it.
- In what way? How could you do more?
CHARLES: Well, just it needs
to be so real and so believable,
and I have a little
more experience at it.
- Is it always like this?
- This is us on fire.
- Hey.
Do you know when you're
gonna tell Dickie?
I just wanna get through opening night,
and then I'm gonna tell
him right afterwards.
Oh, yay!
That was a weird thing to fist bump on.
Yeah, it was odd. [GASPS] Oh!
Dickie showed me something
when he came to visit me
after my arrest. I have it.
You know what? I-I think we should
lose all your lines on card nine.
I mean, if we want Donna
to confess before curtain,
we need cuts. And you
tend to milk your stuff.
Me? Milk my stuff?
[MOCKING] Oh, that's right.
That's what I do. Yup.
I milk everything. Oh, look at me.
Oh, I'm milking Bossy the cow!
Milk, milk, milk! Oh, look
at all the milk I'm getting
[NORMAL] Okay. You got a point.
Dickie was worried that this
might implicate me, but
Might this tie Donna to the push?

What? Did I do good?

HOWARD: Help us,
Gideon. Help us, Gideon.
Help us, Gideon. Help us,
Gideon. Help us, Gideon.
- Howard, what are you doing?
- I know it doesn't make a lot of sense,
but I think we could use all
the help we can get tonight.
- Okay. Happy opening!
We welcome you. We welcome you.
We welcome you. We welcome you
MABEL: Hi! Sorry to interrupt.
Donna, someone was looking for you.
They wanted me to give you this.
- [GASPS] That dress!
- MABEL: Thanks.
I have to go, honey, but first
One on your lips.
Mm mwah.
And one on your heart.
- It's a thing we do.
- It's so sweet.
I'm gonna go before it gets any sweeter.
- CLIFF: Oh.
Make sure you get on that line.
Should you powder? Shiny.

KT [OVER PA]: Attention.
Ten minutes to places.
Ten minutes to places.
Surprised to see us, aren't you?
You're a little short of breath, Donna.
You must be really
excited to see that review.
Just like last time. That's right.
We know you got Maxine's pan.
The worst review in
the history of theater.
A complete bloodletting.
It said you should never
be near a Broadway stage
- as a director
- W-We get it.
- CHARLES: Okay, sorry. [MUTTERING]
- OLIVER: Jesus.
Say, Donna.
Could we interest you in
something to eat? Maybe
a cookie?
MABEL: Hm. She doesn't want them.
That's odd. It's not
like they're poisoned.
Jesus Christ, this is painful.
You think I poisoned Ben, right?
That's what this is about? Great.
Let's jump ahead. I did it.
The fuck did I write
all these cards for?
Just to be clear, when you
say you did it, you mean
Poisoned Ben.
And when you say you poisoned Ben
Can we please focus on what's important?
Getting ready for opening night!
Where is it?
The hidden mic you're using
for your podcast. Is it
Under the cookies. It's
under the cookies, isn't it?
Hm, that would've been
clever, but it's
- TOBERT: Right here.
Maxine's review
would've killed the show.
So I bought us some time.
I wasn't trying to kill Ben.
I just wanted to knock him on his ass.
Of course, it's hard to know the exact
non-lethal amount of
rat poison to give a man.
How many rats is one Ben Glenroy?
Anyway, now you're sitting
on a hit musical, Oliver.
- You're fucking welcome.
- MABEL: I wish it was that simple,
Donna, but see, you didn't
just buy the show time.
You pushed Ben to his death.
I did not push him anywhere.
Nice try, but we have this.

The hanky that was in Ben's
hand on the elevator floor,
snatched from you as he fell.
The blood has dried to
a dark brown, but this
lipstick stain.
Well, looky here.
An exact match to your shade.

Well, shit.
You idiots actually got me.
I pushed Ben.
I couldn't risk him performing
the next night and
and ruining our show.
I killed Ben Glenroy.
- Did you get that?
- Shit. No, I got distracted.
Sorry. What happened? [OLIVER SIGHS]
Can she say it again?
Yes, I got it.
We never get such a
straightforward confession.
Usually it's more roundabout
and confusing. Mabel, you did it!
Yeah. I'm amazing.
KT [ON PA]: Five minutes
to curtain, people.
DONNA: May I ask one favor?
Don't call the police yet.
I'll turn myself in
after the curtain falls.
It's my son's first Broadway show.
I'm a woman with stage four lung cancer.
I'm not a flight risk.
And there are no more famous
actors here I can kill.
- No offense, Charles.
- Lots taken.
I gave you a shot, Oliver.
I gave you a shot
when no one else would.
Can you please give me this?
Say it again.
In case the coat stand
didn't get the audio.
I did it.
I killed Ben Glenroy.
Guys! Hello?! Anyone!
Oliver, we have a big fucking problem.
- Your cardio conditioning?
- Yes! That is a big fucking problem,
but that is not this
big fucking problem.
It's Jonathan. He can't go on.
He's taken a bunch of pills
and he is completely out of it.
- The leading man cocktail.
- Sweet Jesus!
Why are you a coat stand?
Howard, Jonathan has got to go on!
Who's gonna replace our leading
man on five minutes' notice?!
I don't know.
But we'll need someone
who knows his every line.
Someone who's studied his every gesture,
his every intonation.
Someone who never sought the spotlight
but is willing to accept the
weight of the detective's hat.
Howard, are you saying
what I think you're saying?
Thank you.
One of you smells.
- It's me.
- It's him.
I hate theater.
I'm just here because
I'm so fucking supportive.
Do you think someone will die again?
Oliver's career might die again.
Ooh, I like the way you
think, Matthew Broderick.
At the edge of the world ♪
In the dead of the night ♪
A lighthouse looms over the ocean ♪
And a body lies curled ♪
Such a sinister sight ♪
Guts and gore on the shore ♪
Nova Scotian ♪
Was that a blood-curdling cry ♪
Or the innocent sigh of a child? ♪
Well, it rattles your soul ♪
As the dark takes control ♪
It's enough to drive you wild ♪
When you're a ♪
ALL: Creature of the night ♪
OLIVER: All alone in the black ♪
Feel your sanity crack ♪
ALL: A creature of the night ♪
Broadway's first quadruple threat.
Can't sing, dance, direct, or act.
You're a lot of fun.
You creature of the night! ♪
In this eerie old lighthouse
thrashed by the tide ♪
Live triplets whose
mother suspiciously died ♪
And suspects uncanny ♪
A constable, a nanny ♪
Do they all have secrets to hide? ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
This is a recording
of Donna's confession.
I gotta say, I'm really glad
that you worked things out
with your old guys.
'Cause Only Murders is so
- Don't say cute.
- That's not what I was gonna say.
Your podcast is not cute.
However, you are very, very cute.
ALL: In the side that
you hide from the light ♪
Are you a creature ♪
Of the night? ♪
- Is it you? Is it you? ♪
- A creature of the night ♪
- Is it you? Is it you? ♪
- A creature of the night ♪
A body lies curled ♪
A creature of the night! ♪
Who goes there?
You're not getting all
soft on me, are you?
Never. No, I'm the last
of a dying breed of man.
One that refuses to emote
or express his feelings.
Me and Liam Neeson, I'm pretty
sure we're the only two left.
But, I mean, theoretically,
if I was that kind of guy
- Oh God.
- Maybe I would say that,
I really like you.
Way more than I like other people.

And I might tell you that I was
just offered an indie film in LA
and I would tell you
that every part of me
wants to ask if you wanna come with me.
I mean, you're always talking about
feeling stuck and lost.
This could be different.
- Tobert
- Wait. You know what?
Just think about it.
That okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
thanks for not talking
about your feelings.
- Never.
- God, that was incredible!
- I feel 58 again! Ugh!
- I gotta go see this. Are you? Okay.
- Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
LORETTA: I will weather each storm ♪
Standing by till ♪
Safe you return from the night ♪
[NOTE CLIMBING] Night night ♪
My love is a lighthouse ♪
So, darling ♪
My darling ♪
Look for the light ♪
The light ♪
[WHISPERS] Loretta, that was
That was extremely moving.
LORETTA: Thank you, Dickie.
I need to tell you something.
[SIGHS] When I was young
er [LAUGHS],
I made a decision.
The sort of decision
that you can only make
when you're too young to make it.
I've spent
the rest of my life wondering
I knew it.
My God, I knew it.
[GASPS] I felt like I was going crazy.
I feel like I've known since I
saw you at that first read-through.
It's like

like you were calling to me.
Like the lighthouse.
I can't explain it
any more than I can explain
the plot of this musical.
- But, I just I knew.
You knew?
Well then, you must also know that
all these years, you know,
even before I-I met you
and got to know you,
th-there's nothing in the
world I wouldn't do for you.
There's nothing.

OLIVER: A move that means
the killer might just
CHARLES: There's something
fishy in the kitchen.
OLIVER: Something
suspect in the foundation.
OLIVER/CHARLES: But at least
we can agree that the nursery
is tertiary in this investigation.
CHARLES: Detective, don't be
daft. Stop searching in the shaft.
The only man strong enough
to lift the body to the rock
would have to reach quite high.
That would be the boatsman,
who doesn't reach my thigh!
Oh! Jonathan! Hey, have you seen Cliff?
- Cliff is
- Mm-hm.
Or coochie-coochie-coo ♪
What if none of it is true? ♪
Has my inspection been too cursory? ♪
Should I look outside this nursery? ♪
What if none of the
Pickwick Triplets did it? ♪
Who'd have had a
menacing motive and hid it ♪
Who? Who? Who? ♪
Well! I! ♪
Pick! You! ♪
When I was a kid, I'd watch
my mom's shows from up here.
It was quiet.
I didn't wanna be in the way.
I'd bring a bag of Twizzlers and
swing 'em around like
I was the conductor.
Your mom confessed to killing Ben.
I know. She just told me.
But it wasn't her.

One on the lips
and one on the heart.
She did the exact same thing
before leaving Oliver's party.
- Didn't she?
You had her handkerchief,
and it was you at the elevator with Ben.
BEN: Wha Rat poison?
Are you sure?
Uh, no, Doc, I-I trust you, but
You're still here!
Which could also be
the theme of the night.
[LAUGHS] You left to take a
call, like, half an hour ago.
Yeah, it was m It was my
doctor. Guy likes to talk.
Mostly about his niece,
who he wants me to help
try get into Dartmouth,
despite having a 2.8 GPA
and no extracurriculars.
- As if!
- I know.
Quite a night. [LAUGHS]
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
My hospital labs came back.
Doctor said I-I ingested rat poison.
Oh, my God! That's nasty!
Yeah, and get this. The
other they shit found in me,
my HGH, uppers, and
that microdose of Viagra,
they probably saved my ass.
But how the fuck did
I ingest rat poison?
I was fasting.
That cookie.
- What?
- That's all I-I ate.
One fucking Schmackary.
Wait a minute.
You brought those to
the theater, didn't you?
Me? N -No, the cookies were from Mom.
I was in charge of getting everyone
a really nice pen from Tiffany.
Hold, wait, y-your mom
brought the cookies?
I talked to her right before curtain.
She said to me What did she say?
"Just go to your dressing
room. Be nice to Ben."
So I did.
And there, just waiting for me,
asking to be eaten
What are you doing?
- Nothing, darling. Just producing.
Have you seen the review yet?
No, but I'm sure it's a rave.
Holy shit. Your mom poisoned me.
[SCOFFS] She would never hurt someone.
I mean, maybe she was protecting
me. It's what she does.
But why? I'm a fucking star!
Unless she thought I sucked.
Oh, my God, she thought I sucked!
She thought I-I was
ruining her boy's play.
Her real star!
And so, she tried to murder me?
Fucker balls!
I'm telling the cops.
[SCOFFING] She's going
away for a long time, boy.
It's Cliff. Not "boy."
Sure. How do you call the cops?
Do y What, do you just Google "cops"?
I'm more than just Donna's boy.
I'm my own person,
- with my own thoughts and ideas.
Like I told her you
weren't right for the part.
She should have listened.
I said you were a superhero hack
who had no business on Broadway.
That you were a stinker.
[GIGGLES] A phony.
- What did you call me?
A phony.
- Take it back.
It's been a long night.
- I'd watch yourself right now. Boy.
Call me that one more time.
- I'm right, aren't I?
Back away!
Take one step toward me,
I'll throw myself down there!
I'll make this a real shit show!
A nanny's only duty
is to the children ♪
To keep them swaddled
in the safety of her care ♪
With a fierce and iron will ♪
She would fight and she would kill ♪
If she's poked, she'll be provoked ♪
And you just woke up
Mama bear ♪
It was just an accident.
I-I didn't mean to
Cliff. You can justify it,
say it was for your mom or
that it was an accident or
I didn't mean to.
Ben should be on that stage right now.
This should be his moment.

A nanny keeps her
patience under pressure ♪
You'll never stop me, Nanny ♪
Forceful and resourceful as can be ♪
- This can't be!
- You're dead!
- Cliff, what's going on?
She keeps the goddamn house in order ♪
I'm gonna get those kids ♪
Then, you'll have to go through me ♪
[GASPS] I can't let
my mom take the fall.
I did this.
I killed Ben No!
I killed Ben.
- It's okay
- No, don't!
I will jump!
For the sake of a child ♪
- I'd give my life completely ♪
- MABEL: No! Cliff, what are you doing?!
For the sake of a child ♪
To Hell and back, I'd go ♪
Cliff, stop!
No, don't!
CLIFF: I'll do it! I'll really do it!
MABEL: Someone help!
Is someone in my rafters?
Didn't the constable die,
like, three scenes ago?
Yeah, but that is exactly the way
a Nova Scotian constable would run.
I knew it! It was you all
along! You're the killer!
I'm not just the killer. I'm the father!
Oh fuck.
- OLIVER: That's right!
- BEN: Those kids are mine.
And you can't stand in the way!
Over my dead body.
Till my last breath I'd take ♪
I'll stay steadfast for the sake ♪
Of a child ♪
You never will defeat me ♪
For a child ♪
To death, I'd dare to go ♪
- God, that's a lot of stairs.
- CLIFF: Stay back!
- Cliff! What are you doing?
- Keep him away!
- For the sake ♪
Hope you like kissing
mommy between prison bars.
- Actually, you might. Boy.
- For the sake ♪
- For the sake ♪
- For the sake ♪
- For the sake ♪
- For the sake ♪
- For the sake ♪
For the sake ♪

For the sake of a child.
- Oh, my God!
MABEL: Please, give me your hand!
Cliff! Jesus!
- That's a lot of stairs!
- Right?
- Stay back! [WHIMPERING]
- Oh jeez!
I'm not going to prison! [SOBS]
Oliver, can I ask you,
were the Mermen in Splash
this high when they fell?
No, I think you're a bit higher, son.
Ah And was it painless?
Oh no, no.
You have never heard
Mermen scream like that.
Tell my mother I'm sorry.
Tell her I love her.
Tell her to throw away the box
under my bed without opening it.
Please insist on that.

It was an accident, Mom. I swear.
It's okay, honey. I've got you.
KT: Close the curtain!
This is the strangest
fucking play I've ever seen.
I was the original director.
My version was stranger.
I'm so glad I'm not in this.
CLIFF: I love you, Mommy.
Curtain call! Everyone
down here for curtain call!
- Curtain call! Oh!
- Alright, let's go.
- Come on. Come on.

- Bow!
OLIVER: I have Maxine's review!
- Okay. Uh
"To say I had my doubts
about Death Rattle Dazzle
would be an understatement, but "
Hang on.
It's making me subscribe
if I wanna read the rest.
- Really?
I thought I had, like,
four articles left.
- Does anyone have a credit card?
- MABEL: For the love of God.
Okay. "But, it turns out,
under Oliver Putnam's
bold direction "
- Yes!
- " even the offstage antics
add to the Putnam-inspired insanity.
And this dusty old chestnut
has been Botoxed, bedazzled,
and brought back to life!"
- Congratulations, everybody! I did it!
- CHARLES: Yeah!
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Mwah. Oh, Jesus.
- LORETTA: I'm so glad.
The opening night of my dreams
with the girl of my dreams.
And here we are again.
- At the piano.
- At the piano.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Lucky Durkin.
Uh, that was Grey's New
Orleans: Family Burn Unit.
They say they're
willing to wait for you.
I'm not sure we take it though.
There's also interest in you
to play the lead in Hedda Gobbler.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
The animated feature,
the one about the turkeys.
- I gotta take this. Yeah, it's Dickie.
- Wow. Y you've got heat.
- Yeah!
[SIGHS] I'm not sure I wanna take
either one of those jobs though.
Because it might mean leaving here.
- It would also mean following your dream.
- Hm.
And a fresh start with your son.
- Yeah.
- And I like LA.
In small
- doses.
KT: Ugh. Fucking hell.
Get a room.
Oh, look at that. It's California red.
Speaking of which, have you
done any California dreaming
since we talked earlier?
[GIGGLES] I have
- lots of dreams.
- Do you now?
Okay, you're right.
I do need to get unstuck.
But, the stuff that I
need to unstick is here.
- In New York.
- Yeah.
Well, I thought that might be
where this was headed. It's okay.
But I could come visit. I like LA.
In small doses.
Yeah, me, too. [LAUGHS]
- Pick again. No, you did it!
Los Angeles. A city so nice,
they named it Los Angeles.
- So, everyone's going there.
- But, in the Big Apple we remain.
Maybe we could dig up a
cold case or something.
- I got a cold case for ya!
ALL: Sazz!
Where do I put it, huh?
- There you go.
- CHARLES: How'd you get in here?
SAZZ: Who knows? Have I
made copies of all your keys?
Like I said, who knows?
Okay, okay. Photo op.
- Photo op. I love these. Alright.
- Oh yeah.
- Look at that.
- SAZZ: Hey, listen, um,
I got something I need to talk to
you about when you get a sec, huh?
- It's a little sensitive.
- Yeah, sure.
Hey! Well, since we're
celebrating, I'm gonna go upstairs,
and I'm gonna get a bottle of
1966 Argentinian
Malbec I've been saving.
Malbecita del Cielo.
Only five bottles were made that
year because the grapes were so small.
- Oh!
I just got a romantic
feeler text from Joy.
- What?
- SAZZ: What'd she say?
- CHARLES: She says,
"Scott Bakula says hi."
That's not romantic.
- [THUD]
And the doctor said, "Too hot?"
And he said, "No, too sweet!"
Has anyone seen Charles?
Didn't he go get some more wine?
CHARLES: Hey, what's taking her so long?
Sazz better not be drinking our
Malbecita del Cielo without us.
- You know there are only five
- Five bottles in the whole world.
Because of the tiny grapes.
Yes, you've already read
us the wine's biography.
I love the part about the soil.
- Isn't that fascinating?
- OLIVER: Yeah, it's great.
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