Orange Is the New Black s04e08 Episode Script
Friends in Low Places
1 [cell door slams.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
[sobbing.]
[inmates snoring.]
Chiert, - Help me.
- suki, bliadi.
What are you looking for? [whispering.]
My mirror.
Where is my mirror? It's not there? Not unless it's suddenly turned invisible.
I've been robbed.
- Where is my mirror? - What? The magnifying mirror.
The one from my desk.
The one I've seen you use for your eyebrows.
I don't know.
No one sleeps when my things go missing.
I'm not sleeping.
I can't sleep.
Wake up.
My mirror is missing.
We have to live together.
It would be pretty dumb to steal from you.
Like you're all geniuses.
- [snoring.]
- Wake up, motorboat.
Please, I didn't go to sleep until you left for the shower.
I swear, I kept myself up.
- Where is my mirror? - On the desk? She wouldn't steal from you.
She's terrified of you.
Why would I want to look at myself in the mirror? Hey, Reznikov.
It's time to make the donuts.
I'm not ready.
And my mirror is missing.
I don't give a tiger's testicle.
Look, the faster I deliver you, the faster I can get back to my mindfulness practice.
So, let's go! Do you think your time is more valuable than mine? Fine.
Fine.
I'll put my face on in the kitchen, huh? [inmate.]
Shut up! I'm still asleep! Wait.
Where's my lip pencil? [whimpers.]
Where the hell is my lip pencil? Now, Reznikov.
Fucking thieves.
I will find you! [inmate.]
Shut the fuck up.
Oh, shoot.
She left the light on.
Thank you.
[sobs.]
You okay? Not even a little bit.
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
I'm not even looking.
I don't care.
You're not even that hot.
- Wait, maybe you are.
- [Judy whistles.]
[Judy.]
Now this is starting to feel like overkill.
- You think so? - [Judy.]
Mmm.
More like looks could kill.
Check out the stink eye in this place.
You know, maybe that's 'cause there's a boy in the girls' room.
These ladies don't seem too bothered by me.
[Judy groans.]
The bathroom is where you're the most vulnerable.
- [scoffs.]
- I mean, haven't you ever seen Psycho? Or read an actuarial table? Yoga Jones ordered this protection.
Frankly, I think it was an overreaction.
[Chuckles.]
[singing.]
I've been stealing Them other ladies' pies And, ooh, that was a bust 'Cause them other ladies Been fakin' when they bakin' Using that store-bought crust But Judy's pies is oh-so-tasty And I never get my fill So blame it on On the other hand [Suzanne continues singing.]
I'll be, uh, right outside.
Oh, hey, you got the new O? I was reading a good article.
Oh, you know, I think McCullough walked off with that.
Oh, here.
You want Women's Health? - Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Well, I believe those are my eggs.
I only took one bite.
It was getting cold.
[sighs.]
You know, this is getting ridiculous.
I can't spend the rest of my time with some ding-dong like that following me around.
Isolation perpetuates the rumors.
That you hate black people? Look, it was the '80s, all right? Everybody was a moron in the '80s.
I just want to be able to walk around here without everybody looking at me like I'm some kind of terrified bigot.
Out there is overrated.
[inhales sharply.]
Why don't we have a TV brought in? Oh, no.
You know, I wouldn't wanna risk sullying your karma, your chi or whatever with such a base object.
Idiot box.
I believe that's what you called it last week.
Did I? I don't remember.
Mmm-hmm.
And I think you called me the idiot on the idiot box.
Right? Well, it's starting to look like it's true.
And there there's gotta be some way to clear the air.
Make reparations.
Forty acres and some eggs.
Why don't you tell them again how many black friends you have in your kitchen and your field? Okay, you shut up, you PC hippie hypocrite.
I would wager that your last address before you came here wasn't exactly in the inner city.
At least I didn't talk to puppets that used the word "jigaboo.
" [Judy.]
Hmm? No more eggs for you.
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
[woman.]
An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.
- Cal! - Piper! Cal! Cal, you have no idea how badly I've wanted to hear your voice.
Well, would you rather hear my voice? Or a pre-war Gibson banjo that Earl Scruggs played at the Opry? - Your voice, for sure.
- You're right.
You're right.
I haven't earned it yet.
I need to practice more.
So, you got Neri's message, didn't you? What? What message? Neri sent you a psychic message to call us.
[stammering.]
I was skeptical at first, but, I mean, here you are.
Cal, I've missed you so much.
There's really nobody in here for me to talk to right now.
We are pregnant! You got pregnant in the basement? [squeals.]
I mean, we we think that it might have actually happened in the laundry room or maybe in the dining room.
Um, we're not sure.
Mom has a standing hair appointment, Tuesdays from 11:00 to 1:00.
And yet, her hair has never changed.
It's a mystery.
I mean, we're not technically supposed to tell anyone yet, because it's only eight weeks, but I don't care, fuck it.
Holy shit.
Wow! Congratulations.
That's wonderful.
It is pretty cool.
I'm already bonding with the baby.
I talk to him and I sing to him.
In English and in Korean.
Did I tell you that we're all learning Korean? Oh, we've got a whole new business, Pipes.
We ship used clothes over to Korea.
Vintage.
Uh, podo suhwag.
I mean, we're killing it.
They can't get enough.
Neri sweeps through Goodwill, Sally Army, St.
V's, and then she ships it over to our friend, Helen Hong, in Seoul.
I mean, ever since the panties dried up, we were we were in real trouble, but babies bring luck and inspiration.
Yeong-gam.
What do you think of the name "Clarence," huh? - Clarence Chapman? - Do you know it's a boy? I don't.
Not yet.
But I'm willing it to be a boy because women are terrifying.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Neri is pretty psyched and I'm here to buy him his first banjo.
- You can never start it too early.
- [sniffles.]
Music education sucks in schools now which is, like, a total travesty - [voice breaking.]
Cal - No, I know.
I I know, I know.
If it is a girl, and it could be, she will play the fiddle.
So, maybe maybe I shouldn't pull the trigger yet on the banjo.
You're gonna be an amazing dad.
I'm totally fucking scared that I'm gonna fuck it all up.
[sighs.]
I mean, you know where we came from.
You are so much warmer, you are so much lovelier, and you are so much awesomer.
Plus, you married the anti-Mom.
There's no way.
Stop it.
Wow.
That is so nice of you to say.
I'm really glad you called, Pipes.
I just wanted to check in, and, um, hear your voice.
[man speaking on PA.]
All Whispers employees report to the yard.
Whispers employees to the yard.
Cal, I, uh I gotta go.
I love you, Daddy.
Okay, yeah, love you.
Bye, Aunty Piper.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
[sobs.]
[sniffling.]
[breath trembling.]
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Looks like you got light bugs.
- Might be an infestation.
- Oh, gee.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know what to do about that.
You got any advice for me, Miss Nichols? Darkness, Miss Morello.
You fight the light with darkness.
Care to visit me on the dark side? Well, actually, it's Mrs.
Muccio now.
Didn't even spring for the hyphenate, huh? We're very traditional.
Looks like you might need to do a little bit of cleaning up in here.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll get to that one later.
That's our stall.
Yeah, I'm aware.
I'm married now.
I took vows.
You know, it's, uh it's not cheating if you're in different zip codes, right? And, uh, there's no dick.
So that's a freebie.
It's cheating if I even think about somebody else.
Lusting in the heart and all that? Just like Jimmy Carter says.
You're really telling me you didn't miss me at all? [whispering.]
You didn't think about me? 'Cause I sure missed you.
Of course I missed you but that was because I was worried about you.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Look.
Look, there's the little chip in the tile from when you cut your arm.
Aw, remember you didn't notice until after your third orgasm? Okay, no.
No, you are not helping me.
You're making me think about things I should not be thinking about.
It's not right, Nicky.
[Sighs.]
Where'd you go? No, stay there.
Don't! [groaning.]
Leave me alone.
Baby, I'm here.
I can touch you.
You need to be touched.
He can't give that to you.
Uh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, no! Vinny and I, we have a future.
Sure.
Or you have no future 'cause you're virtual strangers living in a fantasy world.
And it's gonna shatter into a million pieces when the mundane realities of day-to-day life intrude on your maiden-in-a-tower, prince-down-below fairy-tale bullshit.
'Cause it's retarded.
Plus he's probably been banging the single mom next door the whole time, anyway, because who can live on fantasy and promises for that long, right? People get lonely.
Or not.
Okay? Maybe it's the real thing.
I've never met the guy.
For all I know, maybe it's true love, right? Are you sure he wouldn't get off on hearing about you with another chick? - [Piscatella.]
Owens! - [Owens.]
Here.
- [Piscatella.]
Piendak! - [Piendak.]
Here.
- [Piscatella.]
Sankey! - [Sankey.]
Here.
[Piscatella.]
Watson! Let me hear a verbal confirmation, inmate.
[softly.]
Here.
A little bit louder now! - [shouts.]
Here! - Ow! - What? - Nothing, sorry.
My ear was too close to your mouth.
My bad.
Now, ladies, due to the breach in security at the Whispers factory, it has been decided that all employees of Whispers will be replaced with more trustworthy inmates.
Wait, you mean we ain't got jobs no more? Means you ain't got that job no more.
But lucky for you, a new opportunity has knocked.
- Welcome to Construction 101.
- [inmates groan.]
So, wait, is this a job or is this a class? This is vocational training.
Well, uh, paid vocational training? We was makin' a dollar an hour at Whispers.
If you are able to master these skills and get a job once you're released, - the paycheck could be in your future.
- [indistinct chatter.]
But to be clear as crystal, no money.
For whatever this is.
This is a class.
[inmates groan.]
[Ouija.]
Thanks, jefe.
- Hope it was worth it.
- [Janae.]
Mmm-hmm.
You gonna fill my commissary now? Hey, back the fuck off.
[Piscatella.]
Hey, hey! Eyes up front.
I will now introduce you to your construction foreman instructor, Mr.
McDonald.
- [inmates whistling.]
- He will walk you through safety training so we can have an efficient and incident-free work-learning environment.
[cheering.]
Ooh, baby, I'd let him jackhammer me.
Mmm, I think I'm gonna need a lot of instruction.
Please let him be straight.
Wrangler jeans.
He's straight.
Yeah, right.
You can keep me safe, Mr.
Mackadocious.
Quiet down, inmates.
Mr.
Piscatella? I have a heart condition, and I don't know if this whole, you know, manual labor and heat thing it's gonna work for me.
I think I got a bad heart, too.
[whispers.]
Really bad heart.
Yeah, me, too.
Come up here and we'll find you an appropriate position DeMarco.
I know what position I'd like.
- [clicks tongue.]
- [inmates cheer.]
That's enough, ma'am.
Ladies, safety is number one on the job site.
And safety comes with confidence and comfort using tools and equipment.
Confidence and comfort come from practice and common sense.
I will be your guide and supervisor as we erect this structure.
He said "erect.
" What exactly is this structure? From the plans I've been given, it's a giant cube with a roof.
Now, anyone here have any carpentry or construction experience? Show of hands? - I need an apprentice.
- [inmates.]
Oh, here! I love your enthusiasm, ladies.
[Piscatella.]
Let's wait to choose an apprentice 'til we see who earns it.
Inmates, give us a minute while we figure out your work assignments.
If we're gonna make anything off of this, we gotta get that paparazzi pizza dough.
You got to get the phone charged.
Juice up the box.
Juice up the box? Like a juice box.
Only the juice is electricity and the box is the You called money "paparazzi pizza dough.
" - Okay, fine.
- I'll give you half a point for effort.
Hell, no, you ain't.
This ain't no participation trophy.
Look, that's what's wrong with this country.
You either score or you miss.
- [backhoe engine stops.]
- [backhoe rattling.]
God damn it! We lost the hydraulics! - Try downshifting! - [driver.]
I tried that already.
- Can you fix it? - I'm not a mechanic.
McDonald, let's put our new trainees to work while we wait on the fix.
Everyone, grab a shovel and let's get started.
Uh, shouldn't we finish going through safety training - before we get started? - [Piscatella.]
You did.
Practice and common sense.
Stay safe.
Let's get to work.
[McDonald.]
Let's go! Hard hats, first, please.
How is this educational? Lesson one, don't do crime because prison is unpleasant.
Start digging, ladies.
You have a hard hat and a shovel.
Oops! Silly me.
I'm so clumsy.
Got 'em! - Let's do this.
- [gasps.]
What? Don't hold out on me.
I'm not holdin' nothin'.
But you promised to show me how to do eye makeup like you do.
[gasps.]
Oh! That.
Right, yeah, right.
Okay, I've been thinking, though, you gotta bring your own pencil, 'cause if you use mine, you could get, like, pinkeye or something.
Do you have pinkeye? I don't think so, but I don't know, and you gotta be really careful around here.
Okay, so listen, you go to the drug store, you get yourself a really good black eyeliner pencil and then I'll show you everything.
And it doesn't even have to be expensive, neither.
Maybe pick up a mascara, too.
Uh, the pink one.
And then we'll do a whole lesson, okay? [Chuckles.]
- Yeah, okay.
[Chuckles.]
- Okay.
Great, I gotta go.
I'm gonna think about ways on how to make your eyes really pop and make you really cute.
Mmm-mmm! Man.
You know, I don't know what your secret is, Specs, but you are looking even hotter than I remember.
- Suck it, Nichols.
- Come on.
You're single.
I'm single.
The birds are singing.
The grass is soft.
The grass is covered in off-brand weed killer.
Pretty please? Okay? I just spent 94 days in Max in an eight-bed cell with, among others, two random shriekers and a woman who put her baby through a dryer cycle.
Oh, that is sexy.
Oh! Oh, that's nothing.
I learned to shit in front of an audience.
Yeah, of course what you're flushing is mainly just whatever's left of your humanity.
So Yeah, well, it's not like it's been a fun-fest over here.
Fuck you, Vause.
This place is like a camp.
[stuttering.]
What happened? The commissary run out of chocolate chips? It's been a shitty couple of months, Nicky.
You're not the only one that has rough times.
Okay, new plan.
You and me go on a magic carpet ride to happy town.
Jesus, you've got a one-track mind.
[chuckles.]
For your information, I have a two-track mind.
All right, come join me on track deux.
Look you can even keep your clothes on.
Oh, of course, you know, if you don't need a vacation from your reality, then, uh hey, by all means, decline.
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
Hey, smells good.
You leave that stuff in the place? I need to talk to you about that.
Why? Something went wrong? No, no, no, no.
No, it was fine.
- I mean sorry.
I left it.
- [microwave beeping.]
It's all fine.
[sighs.]
Ooh, you got the shrimp flavor.
That's a good one.
I haven't been eating so good lately 'cause I'm so nervous all the time.
Have you tried meditating? Maria, I need to stop.
I almost got caught today.
I think the key word there is "almost.
" Almost don't count.
So, you're gonna calm yourself, and you're going to keep doing what you're doing.
And if I don't want to? Ain't about want.
[sighs.]
- [male officer.]
Keep going! - [inmates grunting.]
Hey, Boo! Are you thirsty? [Big Boo.]
Oh, fuck, yeah! What, is this some kind of lesbian superpower that you can fix machines like this, like a man? [chuckles.]
Are you kidding? - Oh! - [chuckles.]
Ah.
- I got no fucking clue what I'm doing.
- You don't? I figure if I loosen and tighten the bolt repeatedly, it eats up the whole fucking day and keeps me out of the trenches.
That's that's pretty smart.
Now, scram, girl.
You're blowing my cover.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's totally cool.
They assigned me to learn from you, just in case if anything breaks, somebody else knows how to fix it.
'Cause, like, what if you get let out or you're busy? How do you like them apples? All About Eve, huh? Yeah, yeah.
'Cause Adam Adam told her not to eat that apple.
And she ate it, she became wise.
Just like me.
Yeah.
Tell you what.
Come on under here, I'll show you what we're doing.
Keep working, inmate.
Oh, Jesus, you cutting yourself now? I thought I was the emo one.
- What? - You're bleeding.
Fuck.
I used to cut myself.
But in, like, cool designs.
She should cut herself.
We're all out of work because of her.
[Blake.]
If you can't dig and talk at the same time, then you dig and shut up.
Shovels in the dirt.
Now! And don't touch 'em for a half an hour.
I'm not doing free fixing 'cause you were a moron and felt like seeing if they were dry.
Okay, I said it was a mistake.
Some lint got stuck to it.
Pa' fuera.
Got time for a walk-in? Don't expect a family discount.
You been chewing on these again? Some of us got a lot on our minds.
You don't think I got a lot on my mind? I gotta figure out a place to set up the salon out there.
I gotta hire girls to help me.
Maybe a receptionist with great nails so that everyone can see the work right when they walk in.
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm talkin' about my future.
You gotta get your cosmetology license.
You gotta rent a place.
Fill it with chairs and foot buckets and get the machine that kills the germs on the tools.
Where you gonna get money for all that? You lucky if you could afford a few bottles of polish.
Got a lot on your mind.
[scoffs.]
Got some nerve.
You got make-believe on your mind.
You know, maybe you can start in someone else's place.
Learn the business and take over that shit.
You'll run it in no time.
You're like that bug that takes over the other bug and controls it and everything.
And you're really good at figuring out business stuff, so What color you want? [sighs.]
Oh, CO Bayley, I asked you politely to please wait outside.
Miss Washington is a friend.
Right, but I'm your shadow, you know.
[imitating The Shadow.]
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of man? The Shadow knows! [Cackling.]
Been listening to a retro radio podcast.
Podcast? No, okay.
All right.
I'll, uh, I'll wait outside.
Ooh, The Wise Man's Fear.
I loved The Name of the Wind.
Can I, uh Can I borrow that? Knock yourself out.
What's goin' on with that? - [door closes.]
- [chuckles.]
I I've been assigned protection and it's driving me bananas.
Now I know your friends are frustrated with me, but surely we can find some way to work that out.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
You think the black girls are gonna jump you? Well, uh, the crazy one has been taunting me with songs from the show.
And the big one with the puffy hair, she cornered me in the hallway with the gal with the head wrap.
I didn't make that up.
[sighs.]
It's not like you wouldn't deserve it after that chitlin' mess.
[sighs.]
They were puppets.
Yeah, puppets that reinforce stereotypes that black people are dumb and superstitious.
They steal and they love being indentured servants.
And don't get me started on the cannibalism.
I gotta tell you, it's disappointing.
All right, look, I sincerely regret it.
But they did promote fresh food.
I mean, there was a message.
Oh, all right.
Listen, I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I did a lot of blow back in the early '80s, and it kept me thin and awake, but it didn't do much for my cultural sensitivity, or my bank account, or my gynecological health.
Now, the chips fell, I eventually moved on.
And here I am.
But it can get lonely, you know? I'm I'm trying to put a brave face on it, but to tell you the truth, I could use some friends.
Other than a skinny hippie always in crisis.
You know, it's hard enough being in here without feelin' everybody hates me.
It ever occur to you that it's racist to assume that black people are gonna beat you up for bein' racist? And you have a good point there.
Right, all right, look, I'm tryin'.
I mean, maybe I am a racist.
Maybe I'm just too stupid to know it, but shit, I am the friendliest racist that you are ever gonna meet, - so can't we all just get along? - [scoffs.]
[sighs.]
All right.
All right, I'll talk to 'em.
See what's up.
Great, thank you.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
You are one of the good ones.
No, I meant that as in people in general.
Just Shh.
[Nicky giggling.]
[Nicky.]
She saw me! Nicky? Nicky? - [Nicky yells.]
- [both laughing.]
What are you doing? Hey, Bummer Chapman, [chuckling.]
get the fuck down or fuck the fuck off.
[sing-song.]
Bum, bum-bum, bum, bummer.
My tongue feels delightful.
- [Nicky.]
Hey! - [laughing.]
[Piper.]
Ow! Argh! Shit! Psst! You know, from this angle, your nose hairs are pretty prominent, no? - Oh, my God.
- Look at that.
- Well, she used to trim them.
- [Piper sighs.]
You are really letting yourself go, Chapman.
Are you two crazy? What the fuck are you doing? [Nicky.]
It's a weekly meeting, okay, for the morally morose and successfully challenged.
So we're just going back and forth and, uh, talking about all the truly dreadful, horrible shit that we have to slog through on a daily basis - And we're smoking crack.
- Oh, yeah! That, too.
[Clears throat.]
Are you two fucking serious? While not my first choice, crack in small amounts is actually good for you.
It's gotten a bad rap over the years.
I don't even - [inhales sharply.]
- Yeah, yeah.
Drug beggars can't be drug choosers, you know.
Perfect.
So you guys are cracked out of your minds.
Hmm.
[Nicky inhales.]
Ah! [exhales heavily.]
[sighs.]
And you can be, too.
Here.
Uh, full disclosure, that crack's been up someone's ass.
- Probably Angie's.
- Oh, definitely Angie's.
Yeah, I traded her a lipstick for it.
[Sniffs.]
- [Alex.]
Here you go.
- [Nicky.]
And don't worry, Piper.
It's sterilized by the flame.
[giggling.]
[breathes heavily.]
Fuck it.
Whoa! Seriously? Why would you offer it to me, if you weren't actually gonna share it with me? [stammering.]
No, I'm just surprised.
Well, don't be.
Hand it over.
Okay, so, what do I do? Now breathe in.
Real deep.
[inhales deeply.]
[Nicky.]
Real deep, hold it! [exhales.]
Wow.
Wow.
Take it easy.
[Chuckles.]
Take it easy? Fuck that! I was branded, okay? Man, I did not see that coming.
Holy shit! You're a Nazi now? Not a Nazi.
I think I'm a Nazi sympathizer.
I think that was the message.
I brought this on myself.
This is what I've become.
This is what I've become.
This is what I've fucking become, you guys.
How do I come back from this? I sent Stella down the hill.
Why did I have to do that? She stole your money.
I was acquainted with her in Max.
My parents didn't teach me to be like this.
What I did to Maria I didn't feel bad.
I didn't think twice.
I just went too far.
I always go too far.
I always go too fucking far.
And I can't fucking stop it.
You're not the worst person in here, Piper.
I think that I've been trying to win prison.
And I've destroyed people's lives.
[sighs.]
Gimme that shit again.
- Yeah.
- Gimme that.
[clears throat.]
[inhales deeply.]
I killed someone.
[laughing.]
Fuck, man.
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
What, by accident? No.
No, I killed him.
On purpose.
[laughing.]
Fuck Shut up, shut up, shut up.
What? How? That's impossible.
You couldn't do that.
I know you.
Last month.
Kubra sent someone in here to kill me.
Like I said he would.
I mean, in here? - Fuckin' A.
- How? Alex, what did you do with the body? [chuckles.]
You're sitting on him.
Parts of him.
I mean, he's all over.
[Sobbing.]
Oh, God.
[sobbing.]
Stop.
Look, just because I sit behind a desk all day does not mean your job is harder than mine.
As a matter of fact, it does.
You dig a hole for four hours and tell us if your job is harder.
Do you know how complicated phones have gotten since we've been inside? As complicated as findin' chargers for them? [Taystee.]
I'm tryin'.
Caputo's got a different brand going on.
There go my girl.
P, please tell these bitches that my job is just as hard as diggin' a ditch.
- It's not.
- [both.]
Ah! Look, why y'all trying to beat up Judy King? Because she racist.
Why would we beat up an old white lady? [scoffs.]
One pop and she down.
And it would ruin the photo.
Ain't nobody trying to beat down Judy King.
- Who told you that? - She did.
She told me y'all chased her down the hallway and Crazy Eyes was singing like a murder doll.
Wait, what photo? What are you We're trying to get a picture.
- A picture of what? - Of Judy King.
That's it? - Just a picture? - Just a picture.
- [inmates grunt.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
[sighs.]
Chapman? Wow.
You look even worse than this morning.
Are you sure you don't wanna go to medical? No, this crash is bad.
Just processing a lot of stuff right now.
Ooh.
Did you have diarrhea? You need to stay hydrated.
I wanna say, you're all doing a great job.
Keep it up.
Bet you don't have that problem.
- [inmates laugh.]
- Right.
You hear there's a time machine in laundry? Oh, yeah, and there's a fountain of youth in the ghetto toilet.
[McDonald.]
Yeah, blue helmet.
Do any y'all want water? You know, if that shit was true, I'd go back and see my dead mom.
Tell her not to date the guy that killed her.
I'd go back and not end up in this fucking place.
Y'all ever think about, like, going back and killing Hitler? Or maybe I'd go back, raise Hitler right.
You know, give him lots of love and encourage his artistic side, try to be a good mom figure to him.
Maybe he'd have less anger issues.
I'd go back and tell him to seize the Suez Canal early on.
That'd secure most of the Mediterranean, giving the Third Reich easy access to oil.
[inmate 1.]
I can't.
They need it over here.
[inmate 2 grunts.]
Where would you go, back in time? - Me? - Yeah.
Uh well, summer of '99, I was supposed to see Judas Priest at, uh, Ralph Wilson Stadium, but my friend, Champ Silvers, he challenged me to drink a dirty 30 pack in the parking lot.
Of Coors Light.
And, uh, I puked everywhere.
I never even got in to see Rob Halford on stage.
- Regrets, you know? - Yeah.
[Piscatella.]
Put some tape on it.
It's all right.
- [both moaning.]
- [Franny.]
I'm telling you, Lorna, if I would have known Jack was gonna try something, I would've locked the door.
The kid's got unusual sleep patterns.
I look up, the doors open and there's Tommy.
And his eyes are going, "What?" And he makes a noise, "Oh.
" [chuckles.]
Oh, my goodness.
And you and Jack, you just kept going? Oh, yeah, basically.
I said, "Tommy, go back to your room, your mommy and daddy are making love.
" [laughs.]
Well, I guess at that age, he doesn't know what that means.
I hardly know what it means at my age.
Jack and I are like ships in the night.
That's why I didn't stop when I saw the kid there.
Yeah, well, Vinny and I just had the honeymoon, so You know what Tommy said last week? He says, "I'm never getting married.
" I said, "Well, never's a long time.
" He says, "I don't want some girl spending all my money.
" He don't get that mouth from me.
Franny, I I think Vinny's cheating on me.
Oh, Lorn, you don't know that.
From what you told me, he don't sound like the type.
He hasn't visited in weeks.
We barely even talk on the phone.
Honey, you're letting your mind run away with you.
I'm sure it's nothing.
You gotta trust.
- I gotta know.
- Then you gotta ask.
What if I don't believe him? I can't live with that.
That's marriage.
You think I don't wonder where Jack's been when he comes home after 11:00 and says he's been "bowling"? You get to see Jack every day.
[sighs.]
Honey, will you just go visit him for me? - What, like, at his house? - Mmm-hmm.
What good will that do? Lorna, this is the kinda garbage that got you in here.
[voice breaking.]
No, no.
He is family.
And I don't mean like that.
I I mean, I mean, just get to know him a little.
- He's your brother, for Christ's sake! - [groans.]
Please, I'm begging you! You know I would do this for you.
I would do this for you! I just can't live thinking that he's using some other housewife's oven mitt.
- [crying.]
- All right.
[chuckles.]
I'll go to his house.
Thank you so much.
I love you, my sister.
I love you.
Uh [clears throat.]
- You got an appointment? - [Nicky.]
Uh-uh.
Walk-in.
- Is that okay? - That depends.
Take a seat.
That's a lot of hair.
Are we really playing Barbie Styling Head here? [Stutters.]
You know, I got places to be.
So Updo it is.
Ow.
Yeah, that's nice.
You really know what you're doing, huh? Fabulous.
Yeah I'm like a real Audrey Hepburn, huh? Thank you.
Can you do that somewhere else? You can paint nails anywhere.
Of course.
I finally find a job I'm good at.
Turns out to be a drug front.
I got two days left in this shithole.
I can't screw it up.
Then don't screw it up.
[scoffs.]
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
How's everything looking here? Oh, you mean this? [Scoffs.]
- She's totally fucking dead.
- Oh, yeah? I mean, I can't get her to start at all.
- You wanna give it a shot? - Yeah.
All right.
- Whoa! - [grunting.]
Here you go, man.
Well, first off, you needed to have it in neutral to restart it.
- Uh-huh.
- It looks like it just overheated.
- I see.
- Yeah, should work fine now.
So if it conks out, let it cool, put it in neutral, restart it.
Easy fix.
Huh! Listen, um if anyone should ask, could you make it sound way more complicated than that? [engine starts.]
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
Man, oh, man, I'm gonna be so fucking sore tomorrow.
[Sucks teeth.]
I gotta start exercising.
Man, did you see how fast that thing took dirt out a hole? - I know.
- Like, whoosh.
Man, I feel like an autoworker in Detroit after the robots came.
Like, "Oh, shit, I'm an autoworker and now I'm out of a job"? Or like, "Yay! The robots are here to do this shitty, horrible autoworker work.
Thank God"? [Black Cindy.]
Hmm Uh, why is she running at me like that? [grunting.]
[blabbering.]
Ah! What the fuck was that for? - That was dope.
- Did you get it? Let me see.
Damn, she taste like strawberry.
Okay.
Yeah, come on.
All right, the second one is a winner.
Don't you think? - Huh? What? - [Judy.]
Look, what do you think? Interracial lesbian love behind bars, okay.
We're gonna hold out for the big bucks, ladies, you know? Make the rags fight over it.
All right, you did so good.
My mamma gonna see me kissing a white woman.
What? I'm a mammal.
[sighs.]
But maybe you're right, I should shave this shit.
It's like my hormones are out of whack.
Where did you get that? Commissary.
They haven't sold those since '92.
Tell me where it came from.
I got it in the salon.
On trade.
I was not aware the salon was back up and running.
Oh, yeah.
Updos, downdos.
[chuckles.]
We got any 'do you wanna do.
[chuckles.]
I can see.
Vidal Sassoon's got nothing on you.
Business is business.
Stop giving me the side-eye.
I know how it got there.
[sighs.]
Life is so tough you can't make it into your own bunk? I don't feel good.
[whispering.]
I heard that Alex told you how our garden grows.
If you say a word, I'll end you.
I would never.
[sniffs.]
I just can't I can't believe she did what she did.
It needed to be done.
She told me and I didn't listen.
She was all on her own.
Maybe she was, but now she's not.
I've been helping her.
So has Frieda.
She has friends.
Maybe not you, but other people.
- I should have been there for her.
- You had other things on your mind.
Being a panty kingpin took a lot of work.
If I had known, I would have done something.
Honey what she did was morally defensible.
I think, ultimately, she will find comfort in that.
It was kill or be killed.
Maybe you should worry about the choices you've made a little more.
[crying.]
She's in pain.
We are all in pain.
I miss my mirror.
And you hurt your arm.
Hot plate accident? Another tattoo? Don't think I didn't hear your tossing and turning all night.
It's nothing.
Show me.
[crying.]
Who did that to you? [sighs.]
Doesn't matter.
It's done.
Well, you can't go around with that horror.
[sobbing.]
I probably deserve it.
We all need help.
- [sobbing.]
- [shushing.]
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hey.
Hey, there! We gotta stop running into each other like this.
Yeah, or you could, uh, just stop followin' me.
That, uh, that whole Judas Priest thing, that was a stupid joke.
Oh.
Truth be told, I'd probably go back to when we first met.
- Okay.
- I would have treated you like a person.
Not like a duck.
Or a thing.
And I I [sighs.]
I would have liked our first time, if we had gotten there, to have been nice.
And I would have wanted to see your face.
And to have told you what I told you about uh, loving you, but softer.
[Pennsatucky clears throat.]
I wish I hadn't been so mad.
It wasn't fair what happened and So yeah, that's probably what I'd go back to.
And I'm still trying to figure out why it happened.
Why I did what I did.
I'm sorry, Doggett.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
The backhoe broke down within the first ten minutes.
Then it turned into a scene out of Cool Hand Luke, with the inmates digging trenches in the sun.
Never seen that movie.
I've let them all down.
Well, you didn't let me down.
- Not now.
- Why not? [sighs.]
Because I'm upset.
Is that not obvious? You know, the school had no chance.
Don't make me feel like I'm some kind of dream killer.
At least a new dorm will help with overcrowding.
Might help boost morale a little bit.
Okay.
Good then.
Morale is boosted.
[chuckles.]
- Or not boosted? - [knocking on door.]
- I'll get that.
- [sighs.]
Will you watch the sauce? Keep stirring.
- Who was it? - Oh, it was no one.
[doorbell rings.]
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
[knocking continues.]
- Who the hell is that? - It's no one.
It's probably just a salesperson.
[Crystal.]
I hear you, Mr.
Caputo.
And don't you even think about turning that sprinkler back on me again.
Again? How many times has she been here? Shh! Keep it down.
- [scoffs.]
- Keep it down.
Keep it down.
[Crystal.]
I'm not going anywhere! I know you're in there! - Who is that? - It's Crystal Burset.
Am I supposed to know who that is? She's married to Sophia Burset, the inmate you guys made me put in a four-by-four box.
The human being you won't allow me to release from inhumane captivity.
Why do you keep saying "you"? It's not me.
I'm Linda.
I'm here to eat pasta and spend the night.
Can you separate me from the corporation we both work for? [sighs.]
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's been going on for too long, and it's starting to get to me.
Hey, hey, you're not MCC.
[doorbell ringing.]
[Crystal.]
Hello? I know you're in there, Mr.
MCC.
All right.
I'm calling the cops.
- Don't do that.
- No, this is ridiculous.
- She's harassing us.
- I will handle it.
[scoffs.]
Crystal, it's late.
MCC denied our request under the Freedom of Information Act.
I need to know what's going on.
Pasta.
And I made a salad.
And we've been at work all day.
So, good night.
Everything okay over there? - Who the hell is that? - I have no idea.
I told you I will handle this.
Please.
Go check on the sauce.
[sighs.]
I need to know that she's okay.
I mean, I don't even know if she's alive.
MCC is hiding behind its private corporate status and not complying with federal laws.
Our lawsuit just goes on and on and she's lost in there! I assure you she is alive and well.
Well, I need proof.
I need documentation.
I need records.
I need a paper trail.
I'm entitled to that.
She's a federal prisoner.
What the fuck? I got mugged once in Newark.
Don't worry, it's registered.
- What the fuck? - No.
No, no, no guns.
Put the gun away.
This is a registered gun and you are trespassing on private property.
You've been asked to leave and I'm going to ask you one more time.
Please leave.
Now.
- Get back in your car, sir.
- Oh, Jesus.
You've got a gun on my girlfriend.
Well, if your girlfriend joins you in your car, she'll be far away from the gun.
Okay? [Caputo.]
Call the office next time.
We will talk on the phone.
[door closes.]
[sighs.]
That was so hot.
[both moaning.]
[Piper sobbing.]
Are we sure about this? I mean, that's still really tender.
- [Piper sighs.]
- We have to do it now or it won't match.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Okay.
- Hold her tight.
- [whimpers.]
[crying.]
- [flesh burning.]
- [screaming.]
[sobbing.]
I'm so sorry.
[wailing.]
I know.
I know.
I'm so sorry - [wailing.]
- Oh.
When God gives you a swastika, he opens a window.
[Piper continues sobbing.]
And then you remember there is no God.
[soul music playing.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
[sobbing.]
[inmates snoring.]
Chiert, - Help me.
- suki, bliadi.
What are you looking for? [whispering.]
My mirror.
Where is my mirror? It's not there? Not unless it's suddenly turned invisible.
I've been robbed.
- Where is my mirror? - What? The magnifying mirror.
The one from my desk.
The one I've seen you use for your eyebrows.
I don't know.
No one sleeps when my things go missing.
I'm not sleeping.
I can't sleep.
Wake up.
My mirror is missing.
We have to live together.
It would be pretty dumb to steal from you.
Like you're all geniuses.
- [snoring.]
- Wake up, motorboat.
Please, I didn't go to sleep until you left for the shower.
I swear, I kept myself up.
- Where is my mirror? - On the desk? She wouldn't steal from you.
She's terrified of you.
Why would I want to look at myself in the mirror? Hey, Reznikov.
It's time to make the donuts.
I'm not ready.
And my mirror is missing.
I don't give a tiger's testicle.
Look, the faster I deliver you, the faster I can get back to my mindfulness practice.
So, let's go! Do you think your time is more valuable than mine? Fine.
Fine.
I'll put my face on in the kitchen, huh? [inmate.]
Shut up! I'm still asleep! Wait.
Where's my lip pencil? [whimpers.]
Where the hell is my lip pencil? Now, Reznikov.
Fucking thieves.
I will find you! [inmate.]
Shut the fuck up.
Oh, shoot.
She left the light on.
Thank you.
[sobs.]
You okay? Not even a little bit.
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
I'm not even looking.
I don't care.
You're not even that hot.
- Wait, maybe you are.
- [Judy whistles.]
[Judy.]
Now this is starting to feel like overkill.
- You think so? - [Judy.]
Mmm.
More like looks could kill.
Check out the stink eye in this place.
You know, maybe that's 'cause there's a boy in the girls' room.
These ladies don't seem too bothered by me.
[Judy groans.]
The bathroom is where you're the most vulnerable.
- [scoffs.]
- I mean, haven't you ever seen Psycho? Or read an actuarial table? Yoga Jones ordered this protection.
Frankly, I think it was an overreaction.
[Chuckles.]
[singing.]
I've been stealing Them other ladies' pies And, ooh, that was a bust 'Cause them other ladies Been fakin' when they bakin' Using that store-bought crust But Judy's pies is oh-so-tasty And I never get my fill So blame it on On the other hand [Suzanne continues singing.]
I'll be, uh, right outside.
Oh, hey, you got the new O? I was reading a good article.
Oh, you know, I think McCullough walked off with that.
Oh, here.
You want Women's Health? - Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Well, I believe those are my eggs.
I only took one bite.
It was getting cold.
[sighs.]
You know, this is getting ridiculous.
I can't spend the rest of my time with some ding-dong like that following me around.
Isolation perpetuates the rumors.
That you hate black people? Look, it was the '80s, all right? Everybody was a moron in the '80s.
I just want to be able to walk around here without everybody looking at me like I'm some kind of terrified bigot.
Out there is overrated.
[inhales sharply.]
Why don't we have a TV brought in? Oh, no.
You know, I wouldn't wanna risk sullying your karma, your chi or whatever with such a base object.
Idiot box.
I believe that's what you called it last week.
Did I? I don't remember.
Mmm-hmm.
And I think you called me the idiot on the idiot box.
Right? Well, it's starting to look like it's true.
And there there's gotta be some way to clear the air.
Make reparations.
Forty acres and some eggs.
Why don't you tell them again how many black friends you have in your kitchen and your field? Okay, you shut up, you PC hippie hypocrite.
I would wager that your last address before you came here wasn't exactly in the inner city.
At least I didn't talk to puppets that used the word "jigaboo.
" [Judy.]
Hmm? No more eggs for you.
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
[woman.]
An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.
- Cal! - Piper! Cal! Cal, you have no idea how badly I've wanted to hear your voice.
Well, would you rather hear my voice? Or a pre-war Gibson banjo that Earl Scruggs played at the Opry? - Your voice, for sure.
- You're right.
You're right.
I haven't earned it yet.
I need to practice more.
So, you got Neri's message, didn't you? What? What message? Neri sent you a psychic message to call us.
[stammering.]
I was skeptical at first, but, I mean, here you are.
Cal, I've missed you so much.
There's really nobody in here for me to talk to right now.
We are pregnant! You got pregnant in the basement? [squeals.]
I mean, we we think that it might have actually happened in the laundry room or maybe in the dining room.
Um, we're not sure.
Mom has a standing hair appointment, Tuesdays from 11:00 to 1:00.
And yet, her hair has never changed.
It's a mystery.
I mean, we're not technically supposed to tell anyone yet, because it's only eight weeks, but I don't care, fuck it.
Holy shit.
Wow! Congratulations.
That's wonderful.
It is pretty cool.
I'm already bonding with the baby.
I talk to him and I sing to him.
In English and in Korean.
Did I tell you that we're all learning Korean? Oh, we've got a whole new business, Pipes.
We ship used clothes over to Korea.
Vintage.
Uh, podo suhwag.
I mean, we're killing it.
They can't get enough.
Neri sweeps through Goodwill, Sally Army, St.
V's, and then she ships it over to our friend, Helen Hong, in Seoul.
I mean, ever since the panties dried up, we were we were in real trouble, but babies bring luck and inspiration.
Yeong-gam.
What do you think of the name "Clarence," huh? - Clarence Chapman? - Do you know it's a boy? I don't.
Not yet.
But I'm willing it to be a boy because women are terrifying.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Neri is pretty psyched and I'm here to buy him his first banjo.
- You can never start it too early.
- [sniffles.]
Music education sucks in schools now which is, like, a total travesty - [voice breaking.]
Cal - No, I know.
I I know, I know.
If it is a girl, and it could be, she will play the fiddle.
So, maybe maybe I shouldn't pull the trigger yet on the banjo.
You're gonna be an amazing dad.
I'm totally fucking scared that I'm gonna fuck it all up.
[sighs.]
I mean, you know where we came from.
You are so much warmer, you are so much lovelier, and you are so much awesomer.
Plus, you married the anti-Mom.
There's no way.
Stop it.
Wow.
That is so nice of you to say.
I'm really glad you called, Pipes.
I just wanted to check in, and, um, hear your voice.
[man speaking on PA.]
All Whispers employees report to the yard.
Whispers employees to the yard.
Cal, I, uh I gotta go.
I love you, Daddy.
Okay, yeah, love you.
Bye, Aunty Piper.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
[sobs.]
[sniffling.]
[breath trembling.]
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Looks like you got light bugs.
- Might be an infestation.
- Oh, gee.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know what to do about that.
You got any advice for me, Miss Nichols? Darkness, Miss Morello.
You fight the light with darkness.
Care to visit me on the dark side? Well, actually, it's Mrs.
Muccio now.
Didn't even spring for the hyphenate, huh? We're very traditional.
Looks like you might need to do a little bit of cleaning up in here.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll get to that one later.
That's our stall.
Yeah, I'm aware.
I'm married now.
I took vows.
You know, it's, uh it's not cheating if you're in different zip codes, right? And, uh, there's no dick.
So that's a freebie.
It's cheating if I even think about somebody else.
Lusting in the heart and all that? Just like Jimmy Carter says.
You're really telling me you didn't miss me at all? [whispering.]
You didn't think about me? 'Cause I sure missed you.
Of course I missed you but that was because I was worried about you.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Look.
Look, there's the little chip in the tile from when you cut your arm.
Aw, remember you didn't notice until after your third orgasm? Okay, no.
No, you are not helping me.
You're making me think about things I should not be thinking about.
It's not right, Nicky.
[Sighs.]
Where'd you go? No, stay there.
Don't! [groaning.]
Leave me alone.
Baby, I'm here.
I can touch you.
You need to be touched.
He can't give that to you.
Uh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, no! Vinny and I, we have a future.
Sure.
Or you have no future 'cause you're virtual strangers living in a fantasy world.
And it's gonna shatter into a million pieces when the mundane realities of day-to-day life intrude on your maiden-in-a-tower, prince-down-below fairy-tale bullshit.
'Cause it's retarded.
Plus he's probably been banging the single mom next door the whole time, anyway, because who can live on fantasy and promises for that long, right? People get lonely.
Or not.
Okay? Maybe it's the real thing.
I've never met the guy.
For all I know, maybe it's true love, right? Are you sure he wouldn't get off on hearing about you with another chick? - [Piscatella.]
Owens! - [Owens.]
Here.
- [Piscatella.]
Piendak! - [Piendak.]
Here.
- [Piscatella.]
Sankey! - [Sankey.]
Here.
[Piscatella.]
Watson! Let me hear a verbal confirmation, inmate.
[softly.]
Here.
A little bit louder now! - [shouts.]
Here! - Ow! - What? - Nothing, sorry.
My ear was too close to your mouth.
My bad.
Now, ladies, due to the breach in security at the Whispers factory, it has been decided that all employees of Whispers will be replaced with more trustworthy inmates.
Wait, you mean we ain't got jobs no more? Means you ain't got that job no more.
But lucky for you, a new opportunity has knocked.
- Welcome to Construction 101.
- [inmates groan.]
So, wait, is this a job or is this a class? This is vocational training.
Well, uh, paid vocational training? We was makin' a dollar an hour at Whispers.
If you are able to master these skills and get a job once you're released, - the paycheck could be in your future.
- [indistinct chatter.]
But to be clear as crystal, no money.
For whatever this is.
This is a class.
[inmates groan.]
[Ouija.]
Thanks, jefe.
- Hope it was worth it.
- [Janae.]
Mmm-hmm.
You gonna fill my commissary now? Hey, back the fuck off.
[Piscatella.]
Hey, hey! Eyes up front.
I will now introduce you to your construction foreman instructor, Mr.
McDonald.
- [inmates whistling.]
- He will walk you through safety training so we can have an efficient and incident-free work-learning environment.
[cheering.]
Ooh, baby, I'd let him jackhammer me.
Mmm, I think I'm gonna need a lot of instruction.
Please let him be straight.
Wrangler jeans.
He's straight.
Yeah, right.
You can keep me safe, Mr.
Mackadocious.
Quiet down, inmates.
Mr.
Piscatella? I have a heart condition, and I don't know if this whole, you know, manual labor and heat thing it's gonna work for me.
I think I got a bad heart, too.
[whispers.]
Really bad heart.
Yeah, me, too.
Come up here and we'll find you an appropriate position DeMarco.
I know what position I'd like.
- [clicks tongue.]
- [inmates cheer.]
That's enough, ma'am.
Ladies, safety is number one on the job site.
And safety comes with confidence and comfort using tools and equipment.
Confidence and comfort come from practice and common sense.
I will be your guide and supervisor as we erect this structure.
He said "erect.
" What exactly is this structure? From the plans I've been given, it's a giant cube with a roof.
Now, anyone here have any carpentry or construction experience? Show of hands? - I need an apprentice.
- [inmates.]
Oh, here! I love your enthusiasm, ladies.
[Piscatella.]
Let's wait to choose an apprentice 'til we see who earns it.
Inmates, give us a minute while we figure out your work assignments.
If we're gonna make anything off of this, we gotta get that paparazzi pizza dough.
You got to get the phone charged.
Juice up the box.
Juice up the box? Like a juice box.
Only the juice is electricity and the box is the You called money "paparazzi pizza dough.
" - Okay, fine.
- I'll give you half a point for effort.
Hell, no, you ain't.
This ain't no participation trophy.
Look, that's what's wrong with this country.
You either score or you miss.
- [backhoe engine stops.]
- [backhoe rattling.]
God damn it! We lost the hydraulics! - Try downshifting! - [driver.]
I tried that already.
- Can you fix it? - I'm not a mechanic.
McDonald, let's put our new trainees to work while we wait on the fix.
Everyone, grab a shovel and let's get started.
Uh, shouldn't we finish going through safety training - before we get started? - [Piscatella.]
You did.
Practice and common sense.
Stay safe.
Let's get to work.
[McDonald.]
Let's go! Hard hats, first, please.
How is this educational? Lesson one, don't do crime because prison is unpleasant.
Start digging, ladies.
You have a hard hat and a shovel.
Oops! Silly me.
I'm so clumsy.
Got 'em! - Let's do this.
- [gasps.]
What? Don't hold out on me.
I'm not holdin' nothin'.
But you promised to show me how to do eye makeup like you do.
[gasps.]
Oh! That.
Right, yeah, right.
Okay, I've been thinking, though, you gotta bring your own pencil, 'cause if you use mine, you could get, like, pinkeye or something.
Do you have pinkeye? I don't think so, but I don't know, and you gotta be really careful around here.
Okay, so listen, you go to the drug store, you get yourself a really good black eyeliner pencil and then I'll show you everything.
And it doesn't even have to be expensive, neither.
Maybe pick up a mascara, too.
Uh, the pink one.
And then we'll do a whole lesson, okay? [Chuckles.]
- Yeah, okay.
[Chuckles.]
- Okay.
Great, I gotta go.
I'm gonna think about ways on how to make your eyes really pop and make you really cute.
Mmm-mmm! Man.
You know, I don't know what your secret is, Specs, but you are looking even hotter than I remember.
- Suck it, Nichols.
- Come on.
You're single.
I'm single.
The birds are singing.
The grass is soft.
The grass is covered in off-brand weed killer.
Pretty please? Okay? I just spent 94 days in Max in an eight-bed cell with, among others, two random shriekers and a woman who put her baby through a dryer cycle.
Oh, that is sexy.
Oh! Oh, that's nothing.
I learned to shit in front of an audience.
Yeah, of course what you're flushing is mainly just whatever's left of your humanity.
So Yeah, well, it's not like it's been a fun-fest over here.
Fuck you, Vause.
This place is like a camp.
[stuttering.]
What happened? The commissary run out of chocolate chips? It's been a shitty couple of months, Nicky.
You're not the only one that has rough times.
Okay, new plan.
You and me go on a magic carpet ride to happy town.
Jesus, you've got a one-track mind.
[chuckles.]
For your information, I have a two-track mind.
All right, come join me on track deux.
Look you can even keep your clothes on.
Oh, of course, you know, if you don't need a vacation from your reality, then, uh hey, by all means, decline.
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
Hey, smells good.
You leave that stuff in the place? I need to talk to you about that.
Why? Something went wrong? No, no, no, no.
No, it was fine.
- I mean sorry.
I left it.
- [microwave beeping.]
It's all fine.
[sighs.]
Ooh, you got the shrimp flavor.
That's a good one.
I haven't been eating so good lately 'cause I'm so nervous all the time.
Have you tried meditating? Maria, I need to stop.
I almost got caught today.
I think the key word there is "almost.
" Almost don't count.
So, you're gonna calm yourself, and you're going to keep doing what you're doing.
And if I don't want to? Ain't about want.
[sighs.]
- [male officer.]
Keep going! - [inmates grunting.]
Hey, Boo! Are you thirsty? [Big Boo.]
Oh, fuck, yeah! What, is this some kind of lesbian superpower that you can fix machines like this, like a man? [chuckles.]
Are you kidding? - Oh! - [chuckles.]
Ah.
- I got no fucking clue what I'm doing.
- You don't? I figure if I loosen and tighten the bolt repeatedly, it eats up the whole fucking day and keeps me out of the trenches.
That's that's pretty smart.
Now, scram, girl.
You're blowing my cover.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's totally cool.
They assigned me to learn from you, just in case if anything breaks, somebody else knows how to fix it.
'Cause, like, what if you get let out or you're busy? How do you like them apples? All About Eve, huh? Yeah, yeah.
'Cause Adam Adam told her not to eat that apple.
And she ate it, she became wise.
Just like me.
Yeah.
Tell you what.
Come on under here, I'll show you what we're doing.
Keep working, inmate.
Oh, Jesus, you cutting yourself now? I thought I was the emo one.
- What? - You're bleeding.
Fuck.
I used to cut myself.
But in, like, cool designs.
She should cut herself.
We're all out of work because of her.
[Blake.]
If you can't dig and talk at the same time, then you dig and shut up.
Shovels in the dirt.
Now! And don't touch 'em for a half an hour.
I'm not doing free fixing 'cause you were a moron and felt like seeing if they were dry.
Okay, I said it was a mistake.
Some lint got stuck to it.
Pa' fuera.
Got time for a walk-in? Don't expect a family discount.
You been chewing on these again? Some of us got a lot on our minds.
You don't think I got a lot on my mind? I gotta figure out a place to set up the salon out there.
I gotta hire girls to help me.
Maybe a receptionist with great nails so that everyone can see the work right when they walk in.
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm talkin' about my future.
You gotta get your cosmetology license.
You gotta rent a place.
Fill it with chairs and foot buckets and get the machine that kills the germs on the tools.
Where you gonna get money for all that? You lucky if you could afford a few bottles of polish.
Got a lot on your mind.
[scoffs.]
Got some nerve.
You got make-believe on your mind.
You know, maybe you can start in someone else's place.
Learn the business and take over that shit.
You'll run it in no time.
You're like that bug that takes over the other bug and controls it and everything.
And you're really good at figuring out business stuff, so What color you want? [sighs.]
Oh, CO Bayley, I asked you politely to please wait outside.
Miss Washington is a friend.
Right, but I'm your shadow, you know.
[imitating The Shadow.]
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of man? The Shadow knows! [Cackling.]
Been listening to a retro radio podcast.
Podcast? No, okay.
All right.
I'll, uh, I'll wait outside.
Ooh, The Wise Man's Fear.
I loved The Name of the Wind.
Can I, uh Can I borrow that? Knock yourself out.
What's goin' on with that? - [door closes.]
- [chuckles.]
I I've been assigned protection and it's driving me bananas.
Now I know your friends are frustrated with me, but surely we can find some way to work that out.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
You think the black girls are gonna jump you? Well, uh, the crazy one has been taunting me with songs from the show.
And the big one with the puffy hair, she cornered me in the hallway with the gal with the head wrap.
I didn't make that up.
[sighs.]
It's not like you wouldn't deserve it after that chitlin' mess.
[sighs.]
They were puppets.
Yeah, puppets that reinforce stereotypes that black people are dumb and superstitious.
They steal and they love being indentured servants.
And don't get me started on the cannibalism.
I gotta tell you, it's disappointing.
All right, look, I sincerely regret it.
But they did promote fresh food.
I mean, there was a message.
Oh, all right.
Listen, I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I did a lot of blow back in the early '80s, and it kept me thin and awake, but it didn't do much for my cultural sensitivity, or my bank account, or my gynecological health.
Now, the chips fell, I eventually moved on.
And here I am.
But it can get lonely, you know? I'm I'm trying to put a brave face on it, but to tell you the truth, I could use some friends.
Other than a skinny hippie always in crisis.
You know, it's hard enough being in here without feelin' everybody hates me.
It ever occur to you that it's racist to assume that black people are gonna beat you up for bein' racist? And you have a good point there.
Right, all right, look, I'm tryin'.
I mean, maybe I am a racist.
Maybe I'm just too stupid to know it, but shit, I am the friendliest racist that you are ever gonna meet, - so can't we all just get along? - [scoffs.]
[sighs.]
All right.
All right, I'll talk to 'em.
See what's up.
Great, thank you.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
You are one of the good ones.
No, I meant that as in people in general.
Just Shh.
[Nicky giggling.]
[Nicky.]
She saw me! Nicky? Nicky? - [Nicky yells.]
- [both laughing.]
What are you doing? Hey, Bummer Chapman, [chuckling.]
get the fuck down or fuck the fuck off.
[sing-song.]
Bum, bum-bum, bum, bummer.
My tongue feels delightful.
- [Nicky.]
Hey! - [laughing.]
[Piper.]
Ow! Argh! Shit! Psst! You know, from this angle, your nose hairs are pretty prominent, no? - Oh, my God.
- Look at that.
- Well, she used to trim them.
- [Piper sighs.]
You are really letting yourself go, Chapman.
Are you two crazy? What the fuck are you doing? [Nicky.]
It's a weekly meeting, okay, for the morally morose and successfully challenged.
So we're just going back and forth and, uh, talking about all the truly dreadful, horrible shit that we have to slog through on a daily basis - And we're smoking crack.
- Oh, yeah! That, too.
[Clears throat.]
Are you two fucking serious? While not my first choice, crack in small amounts is actually good for you.
It's gotten a bad rap over the years.
I don't even - [inhales sharply.]
- Yeah, yeah.
Drug beggars can't be drug choosers, you know.
Perfect.
So you guys are cracked out of your minds.
Hmm.
[Nicky inhales.]
Ah! [exhales heavily.]
[sighs.]
And you can be, too.
Here.
Uh, full disclosure, that crack's been up someone's ass.
- Probably Angie's.
- Oh, definitely Angie's.
Yeah, I traded her a lipstick for it.
[Sniffs.]
- [Alex.]
Here you go.
- [Nicky.]
And don't worry, Piper.
It's sterilized by the flame.
[giggling.]
[breathes heavily.]
Fuck it.
Whoa! Seriously? Why would you offer it to me, if you weren't actually gonna share it with me? [stammering.]
No, I'm just surprised.
Well, don't be.
Hand it over.
Okay, so, what do I do? Now breathe in.
Real deep.
[inhales deeply.]
[Nicky.]
Real deep, hold it! [exhales.]
Wow.
Wow.
Take it easy.
[Chuckles.]
Take it easy? Fuck that! I was branded, okay? Man, I did not see that coming.
Holy shit! You're a Nazi now? Not a Nazi.
I think I'm a Nazi sympathizer.
I think that was the message.
I brought this on myself.
This is what I've become.
This is what I've become.
This is what I've fucking become, you guys.
How do I come back from this? I sent Stella down the hill.
Why did I have to do that? She stole your money.
I was acquainted with her in Max.
My parents didn't teach me to be like this.
What I did to Maria I didn't feel bad.
I didn't think twice.
I just went too far.
I always go too far.
I always go too fucking far.
And I can't fucking stop it.
You're not the worst person in here, Piper.
I think that I've been trying to win prison.
And I've destroyed people's lives.
[sighs.]
Gimme that shit again.
- Yeah.
- Gimme that.
[clears throat.]
[inhales deeply.]
I killed someone.
[laughing.]
Fuck, man.
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
What, by accident? No.
No, I killed him.
On purpose.
[laughing.]
Fuck Shut up, shut up, shut up.
What? How? That's impossible.
You couldn't do that.
I know you.
Last month.
Kubra sent someone in here to kill me.
Like I said he would.
I mean, in here? - Fuckin' A.
- How? Alex, what did you do with the body? [chuckles.]
You're sitting on him.
Parts of him.
I mean, he's all over.
[Sobbing.]
Oh, God.
[sobbing.]
Stop.
Look, just because I sit behind a desk all day does not mean your job is harder than mine.
As a matter of fact, it does.
You dig a hole for four hours and tell us if your job is harder.
Do you know how complicated phones have gotten since we've been inside? As complicated as findin' chargers for them? [Taystee.]
I'm tryin'.
Caputo's got a different brand going on.
There go my girl.
P, please tell these bitches that my job is just as hard as diggin' a ditch.
- It's not.
- [both.]
Ah! Look, why y'all trying to beat up Judy King? Because she racist.
Why would we beat up an old white lady? [scoffs.]
One pop and she down.
And it would ruin the photo.
Ain't nobody trying to beat down Judy King.
- Who told you that? - She did.
She told me y'all chased her down the hallway and Crazy Eyes was singing like a murder doll.
Wait, what photo? What are you We're trying to get a picture.
- A picture of what? - Of Judy King.
That's it? - Just a picture? - Just a picture.
- [inmates grunt.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
[sighs.]
Chapman? Wow.
You look even worse than this morning.
Are you sure you don't wanna go to medical? No, this crash is bad.
Just processing a lot of stuff right now.
Ooh.
Did you have diarrhea? You need to stay hydrated.
I wanna say, you're all doing a great job.
Keep it up.
Bet you don't have that problem.
- [inmates laugh.]
- Right.
You hear there's a time machine in laundry? Oh, yeah, and there's a fountain of youth in the ghetto toilet.
[McDonald.]
Yeah, blue helmet.
Do any y'all want water? You know, if that shit was true, I'd go back and see my dead mom.
Tell her not to date the guy that killed her.
I'd go back and not end up in this fucking place.
Y'all ever think about, like, going back and killing Hitler? Or maybe I'd go back, raise Hitler right.
You know, give him lots of love and encourage his artistic side, try to be a good mom figure to him.
Maybe he'd have less anger issues.
I'd go back and tell him to seize the Suez Canal early on.
That'd secure most of the Mediterranean, giving the Third Reich easy access to oil.
[inmate 1.]
I can't.
They need it over here.
[inmate 2 grunts.]
Where would you go, back in time? - Me? - Yeah.
Uh well, summer of '99, I was supposed to see Judas Priest at, uh, Ralph Wilson Stadium, but my friend, Champ Silvers, he challenged me to drink a dirty 30 pack in the parking lot.
Of Coors Light.
And, uh, I puked everywhere.
I never even got in to see Rob Halford on stage.
- Regrets, you know? - Yeah.
[Piscatella.]
Put some tape on it.
It's all right.
- [both moaning.]
- [Franny.]
I'm telling you, Lorna, if I would have known Jack was gonna try something, I would've locked the door.
The kid's got unusual sleep patterns.
I look up, the doors open and there's Tommy.
And his eyes are going, "What?" And he makes a noise, "Oh.
" [chuckles.]
Oh, my goodness.
And you and Jack, you just kept going? Oh, yeah, basically.
I said, "Tommy, go back to your room, your mommy and daddy are making love.
" [laughs.]
Well, I guess at that age, he doesn't know what that means.
I hardly know what it means at my age.
Jack and I are like ships in the night.
That's why I didn't stop when I saw the kid there.
Yeah, well, Vinny and I just had the honeymoon, so You know what Tommy said last week? He says, "I'm never getting married.
" I said, "Well, never's a long time.
" He says, "I don't want some girl spending all my money.
" He don't get that mouth from me.
Franny, I I think Vinny's cheating on me.
Oh, Lorn, you don't know that.
From what you told me, he don't sound like the type.
He hasn't visited in weeks.
We barely even talk on the phone.
Honey, you're letting your mind run away with you.
I'm sure it's nothing.
You gotta trust.
- I gotta know.
- Then you gotta ask.
What if I don't believe him? I can't live with that.
That's marriage.
You think I don't wonder where Jack's been when he comes home after 11:00 and says he's been "bowling"? You get to see Jack every day.
[sighs.]
Honey, will you just go visit him for me? - What, like, at his house? - Mmm-hmm.
What good will that do? Lorna, this is the kinda garbage that got you in here.
[voice breaking.]
No, no.
He is family.
And I don't mean like that.
I I mean, I mean, just get to know him a little.
- He's your brother, for Christ's sake! - [groans.]
Please, I'm begging you! You know I would do this for you.
I would do this for you! I just can't live thinking that he's using some other housewife's oven mitt.
- [crying.]
- All right.
[chuckles.]
I'll go to his house.
Thank you so much.
I love you, my sister.
I love you.
Uh [clears throat.]
- You got an appointment? - [Nicky.]
Uh-uh.
Walk-in.
- Is that okay? - That depends.
Take a seat.
That's a lot of hair.
Are we really playing Barbie Styling Head here? [Stutters.]
You know, I got places to be.
So Updo it is.
Ow.
Yeah, that's nice.
You really know what you're doing, huh? Fabulous.
Yeah I'm like a real Audrey Hepburn, huh? Thank you.
Can you do that somewhere else? You can paint nails anywhere.
Of course.
I finally find a job I'm good at.
Turns out to be a drug front.
I got two days left in this shithole.
I can't screw it up.
Then don't screw it up.
[scoffs.]
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
How's everything looking here? Oh, you mean this? [Scoffs.]
- She's totally fucking dead.
- Oh, yeah? I mean, I can't get her to start at all.
- You wanna give it a shot? - Yeah.
All right.
- Whoa! - [grunting.]
Here you go, man.
Well, first off, you needed to have it in neutral to restart it.
- Uh-huh.
- It looks like it just overheated.
- I see.
- Yeah, should work fine now.
So if it conks out, let it cool, put it in neutral, restart it.
Easy fix.
Huh! Listen, um if anyone should ask, could you make it sound way more complicated than that? [engine starts.]
[inmates talking indistinctly.]
Man, oh, man, I'm gonna be so fucking sore tomorrow.
[Sucks teeth.]
I gotta start exercising.
Man, did you see how fast that thing took dirt out a hole? - I know.
- Like, whoosh.
Man, I feel like an autoworker in Detroit after the robots came.
Like, "Oh, shit, I'm an autoworker and now I'm out of a job"? Or like, "Yay! The robots are here to do this shitty, horrible autoworker work.
Thank God"? [Black Cindy.]
Hmm Uh, why is she running at me like that? [grunting.]
[blabbering.]
Ah! What the fuck was that for? - That was dope.
- Did you get it? Let me see.
Damn, she taste like strawberry.
Okay.
Yeah, come on.
All right, the second one is a winner.
Don't you think? - Huh? What? - [Judy.]
Look, what do you think? Interracial lesbian love behind bars, okay.
We're gonna hold out for the big bucks, ladies, you know? Make the rags fight over it.
All right, you did so good.
My mamma gonna see me kissing a white woman.
What? I'm a mammal.
[sighs.]
But maybe you're right, I should shave this shit.
It's like my hormones are out of whack.
Where did you get that? Commissary.
They haven't sold those since '92.
Tell me where it came from.
I got it in the salon.
On trade.
I was not aware the salon was back up and running.
Oh, yeah.
Updos, downdos.
[chuckles.]
We got any 'do you wanna do.
[chuckles.]
I can see.
Vidal Sassoon's got nothing on you.
Business is business.
Stop giving me the side-eye.
I know how it got there.
[sighs.]
Life is so tough you can't make it into your own bunk? I don't feel good.
[whispering.]
I heard that Alex told you how our garden grows.
If you say a word, I'll end you.
I would never.
[sniffs.]
I just can't I can't believe she did what she did.
It needed to be done.
She told me and I didn't listen.
She was all on her own.
Maybe she was, but now she's not.
I've been helping her.
So has Frieda.
She has friends.
Maybe not you, but other people.
- I should have been there for her.
- You had other things on your mind.
Being a panty kingpin took a lot of work.
If I had known, I would have done something.
Honey what she did was morally defensible.
I think, ultimately, she will find comfort in that.
It was kill or be killed.
Maybe you should worry about the choices you've made a little more.
[crying.]
She's in pain.
We are all in pain.
I miss my mirror.
And you hurt your arm.
Hot plate accident? Another tattoo? Don't think I didn't hear your tossing and turning all night.
It's nothing.
Show me.
[crying.]
Who did that to you? [sighs.]
Doesn't matter.
It's done.
Well, you can't go around with that horror.
[sobbing.]
I probably deserve it.
We all need help.
- [sobbing.]
- [shushing.]
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hey.
Hey, there! We gotta stop running into each other like this.
Yeah, or you could, uh, just stop followin' me.
That, uh, that whole Judas Priest thing, that was a stupid joke.
Oh.
Truth be told, I'd probably go back to when we first met.
- Okay.
- I would have treated you like a person.
Not like a duck.
Or a thing.
And I I [sighs.]
I would have liked our first time, if we had gotten there, to have been nice.
And I would have wanted to see your face.
And to have told you what I told you about uh, loving you, but softer.
[Pennsatucky clears throat.]
I wish I hadn't been so mad.
It wasn't fair what happened and So yeah, that's probably what I'd go back to.
And I'm still trying to figure out why it happened.
Why I did what I did.
I'm sorry, Doggett.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
The backhoe broke down within the first ten minutes.
Then it turned into a scene out of Cool Hand Luke, with the inmates digging trenches in the sun.
Never seen that movie.
I've let them all down.
Well, you didn't let me down.
- Not now.
- Why not? [sighs.]
Because I'm upset.
Is that not obvious? You know, the school had no chance.
Don't make me feel like I'm some kind of dream killer.
At least a new dorm will help with overcrowding.
Might help boost morale a little bit.
Okay.
Good then.
Morale is boosted.
[chuckles.]
- Or not boosted? - [knocking on door.]
- I'll get that.
- [sighs.]
Will you watch the sauce? Keep stirring.
- Who was it? - Oh, it was no one.
[doorbell rings.]
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
[knocking continues.]
- Who the hell is that? - It's no one.
It's probably just a salesperson.
[Crystal.]
I hear you, Mr.
Caputo.
And don't you even think about turning that sprinkler back on me again.
Again? How many times has she been here? Shh! Keep it down.
- [scoffs.]
- Keep it down.
Keep it down.
[Crystal.]
I'm not going anywhere! I know you're in there! - Who is that? - It's Crystal Burset.
Am I supposed to know who that is? She's married to Sophia Burset, the inmate you guys made me put in a four-by-four box.
The human being you won't allow me to release from inhumane captivity.
Why do you keep saying "you"? It's not me.
I'm Linda.
I'm here to eat pasta and spend the night.
Can you separate me from the corporation we both work for? [sighs.]
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's been going on for too long, and it's starting to get to me.
Hey, hey, you're not MCC.
[doorbell ringing.]
[Crystal.]
Hello? I know you're in there, Mr.
MCC.
All right.
I'm calling the cops.
- Don't do that.
- No, this is ridiculous.
- She's harassing us.
- I will handle it.
[scoffs.]
Crystal, it's late.
MCC denied our request under the Freedom of Information Act.
I need to know what's going on.
Pasta.
And I made a salad.
And we've been at work all day.
So, good night.
Everything okay over there? - Who the hell is that? - I have no idea.
I told you I will handle this.
Please.
Go check on the sauce.
[sighs.]
I need to know that she's okay.
I mean, I don't even know if she's alive.
MCC is hiding behind its private corporate status and not complying with federal laws.
Our lawsuit just goes on and on and she's lost in there! I assure you she is alive and well.
Well, I need proof.
I need documentation.
I need records.
I need a paper trail.
I'm entitled to that.
She's a federal prisoner.
What the fuck? I got mugged once in Newark.
Don't worry, it's registered.
- What the fuck? - No.
No, no, no guns.
Put the gun away.
This is a registered gun and you are trespassing on private property.
You've been asked to leave and I'm going to ask you one more time.
Please leave.
Now.
- Get back in your car, sir.
- Oh, Jesus.
You've got a gun on my girlfriend.
Well, if your girlfriend joins you in your car, she'll be far away from the gun.
Okay? [Caputo.]
Call the office next time.
We will talk on the phone.
[door closes.]
[sighs.]
That was so hot.
[both moaning.]
[Piper sobbing.]
Are we sure about this? I mean, that's still really tender.
- [Piper sighs.]
- We have to do it now or it won't match.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Okay.
- Hold her tight.
- [whimpers.]
[crying.]
- [flesh burning.]
- [screaming.]
[sobbing.]
I'm so sorry.
[wailing.]
I know.
I know.
I'm so sorry - [wailing.]
- Oh.
When God gives you a swastika, he opens a window.
[Piper continues sobbing.]
And then you remember there is no God.
[soul music playing.]