Orange Is the New Black s05e04 Episode Script
Litchfield's Got Talent
1 Dude.
Focus.
An ambush requires focus.
Dixon, Dixon.
Go for the small one.
Butchy's got a neck like a telephone pole.
I'm ready.
Abort.
Abort.
- Abort, abort, abort.
- What? What the What are you Here you go, piggies.
Some slop for you.
Gotta fatten you up for the slaughter.
Kidding.
That crap will go right through ya.
You'll all die thin.
Cutlery.
Bon appétit.
What the fuck? I had her! - You fucking pussy.
- It wasn't the right time.
There were too many of them.
Oh, my God.
We're never getting out of here.
Spork? Hey! I was gonna do that anyway, so, thanks! Filthy fucking cunts.
Look-it.
Big boy and the Warden goin' at it.
That'll be a good name for one of them buddy movies.
Big Boy and the Warden.
Ew.
You think those two are I said buddy movie, not butt-buddy movie.
Although Chris Tucker was so far up Jackie Chan's ass in Rush Hour.
I seen the porn version of that one time called Gush Hour.
It was nasty.
What was nasty? - This movie with a lot of wet - Daya, maybe it's, uh, time to rest? Yeah, I just gotta get my gun back from Pidge.
What? Oh.
Still can't believe you let her have it and not me.
She's ready to hand it back.
Would you? No, probably not.
So What's going on with those two? They're so different, but they need to figure out how they're going to work together.
- Cuckoo! - Wonder Twin powers activate! Stop! These are tight.
Gun! - Oh, shit! - Get it! Which one of you jalapeño hookers grabbed my boob? Answer her! Oh, wait.
Shit.
That might've been me.
Sorry, that was crazy down there.
Not my problem anymore, huh? I knew it.
Fuck! Shut up! Put your hands up! Hey! Hey, you guys speaking Española over there.
Yeah! Look at me.
Look at me! I'm the jefe now.
She's the jefe.
Okay, enough with these two.
Ah.
StreetEasy.
Mmm-hmm.
Let's search for New York real estate porn.
Gramercy Park.
One bedroom, two baths hardwood floors, of course.
Or two bedrooms for, like, an office-guest room situation.
Is it important to have a gym in the building? How about cement floors, no windows and a view of a toilet? Because that will be home if Von Barlow tells her boyfriend what she heard.
What's her real name again? Oh, my God.
I don't I don't know.
Linda something.
I guess.
Linda.
Linda, who has "Solsbury Hill" on every single one of her Spotify playlists.
Her heart is going boom-boom-boom.
She could end you.
I don't know how many ways to tell you I don't give a good goddamn.
Or a bad goddamn.
I don't give any kind of goddamn, goddamn.
If she spills, she spills.
I'm guilty.
I did it.
What will be will be.
Jesus, Alex.
I don't wanna talk about this with you anymore.
Lie with me under the stars and and look at homes that we'll never afford thanks to sub-prime lending and also because we're registered felons.
You can feel guilty and not destroy your life.
Which is long.
And involves me.
You have to care about protecting yourself.
Do you think you were born this way? Or do I have Carol to thank for your exhausting need to control everything? Fine, I don't need a gym.
Hardwood floor's a deal breaker.
And playing the Carol card was very low.
Hey, sometimes you gotta haul out the big guns.
Hey, baby.
Uh, hopefully you can hear me.
Please tell Daddy and Sahar that I'm okay Oh, Jonesy! Thank God! Don't "Jonesy" me! We know about your special panic room.
Where is it? - My what? - Your VIP bunker.
You got snacks in there? She's got a secret snack bunker? No, of course I don't.
If I had a panic room, don't you think I'd be in it? Baloney! We saw a text from your boy toy, Reg, saying you were being taken care of.
What? Well, go on, let me see that.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Reg is the husband, Bill is the boy toy.
Huh! Don't wanna share, huh? Scrooge McDuck.
Hey, turban! - How do you waterboard someone? - Join the military.
And they say Muslims ain't funny.
You're a fuckin' riot.
You know, I have worked with many Muslims, many African Americans, I've had nothing but good experiences.
Yeah, nice try and all, but I can't help you here.
I got my own fish to fry.
You get service here? Maybe I'll get the fried fish.
Mmm.
It's beer battered.
Not halal.
Look at you, kickin' the "Allah knows best.
" Shoot.
It looked good.
Fried's not good for you anyway.
Get the grilled.
Fine, but I'm getting fries.
Your body, your choice.
Your body, too.
You really wanna share it? I'm willing to.
Is it a dream come true? No, but I'm working more than ever.
- The Noodle is not getting - The Noodle is fine.
She's perfect.
She's my perfect, pretty princess.
Okay, you've got to cut that out.
She's not a perfect, pretty princess.
She's a smart young woman.
She's strong.
She's beautiful.
We gotta use empowering words.
Not cute and princess.
She's strong and beautiful, and smart, just like her mother.
My pretty princess wife.
Masha-Allah.
Can we get back to the discussion, please? Babe, if you're so overwhelmed with work and Farah, why don't we just hire a nanny? Because there's also you.
You need more, too.
I'm fine.
Hassan, I want a peaceful home.
And right now, I finish my work you get back from your work, we're both tired and cranky, and Farah's got homework, we gotta eat the house is a mess.
It's just It's all too much, and we're not getting the best parts of each other.
I don't know why this seems like such a big deal for you.
Most of our friends have done it.
Your dad has three wives.
It wasn't always peace in the valley at our house.
Plus, he's 63 years old, and manscapes.
Not really one to model a life after.
How about this? Let's be open to it? If the right person comes along, then we'll talk more.
And frankly, a little trimming wouldn't kill you.
Ugh.
This is killing me! Look at that snaggley smile.
That's my guy.
Teeth.
Wow.
All the Hardings got it.
Snaggle's loud and proud.
This is insane.
You really need to attach me to a plank? You're a flight risk.
If you try to run, this'll slow you down.
It's funny.
Maybe we can build a rack out of these.
Stretch her out till she delivers the treats? Can you google "torture rack"? - There are no treats! - More rope.
Awesome.
Fuck the treats.
This'll be more fun.
We just need something to pull the nails out of these, and then something to bang them into her! Yeah, okay, all right.
Okay, fine! You win.
All right, the truth is there's a supply drop that's coming for me.
It's not in yet, but it's coming.
I knew it! When? When's the drop? Uh, tonight.
Soon.
Uh, on the roof.
Helicopter's bringing pizzas, booze, cigarettes, you name it.
Excellent! Let's go! Sankey, you coming? Hey, what's up? Aw, that sucks.
Those teeth.
Fuck.
What was that? Did you hear that? The trays crashing? What trays crashing? No, that is either a mischief of rats - A mischief? - That's what a group of rats is called.
Um, a group of ferrets is called a business.
No, I didn't hear ferrets.
I heard either a mischief of mutant rats with human pinkie toes air vibrating through wind turbines, or C.
C I'm thinking C.
What's C? I don't know but it's gonna be good.
Her spirit.
Poussey's spirit.
I thought you said that ghosts aren't real? They aren't.
Spirits are.
What's the difference? Spirits come from the other side to visit those they love that are still left here on Earth.
No such thing as ghosts.
Uh, I'm still not I'm not getting the difference.
Go with it.
That.
What was that? I don't know.
I shivered.
Because you were cold? Or because you felt something? You know, I heard that ghosts No There are no ghosts! Uh, spirits sometimes can't leave the spot where they died until they resolve some unfinished business.
Five to ten seconds at most.
Be sure not to blow on the solder, otherwise Don't do that.
This can make it lumpy, or can also add impurities.
Now, you want to repeat this until you're finished.
So, you're gonna repeat these above steps for each point that you want to solder.
So, re-tin your iron's tip, okay, every several applications.
Wepa! Blake was on tour six years.
Afghanistan? Oh, shit.
Morman Miracle Pageant.
He was in some kind of musical.
Once you start scratching the surface on somebody, it's crazy the kind of shit you find.
That's why I try to keep my nails short.
Don't wanna scratch too deep and hit crazy.
Maybe instead of "P" for Piscatella, he filed it under "S" for son of a bitch.
Feeling kind of sweaty.
You feeling sweaty? No.
That's over, thank God.
Although for years, I was one giant hot flash.
- Some things do get better with age.
- Like what? My leg hair grows in patchier.
Not so much shaving to do.
My skin feels softer.
I don't give as many fucks, although that's not really true.
I give many fucks.
The problem is, I don't feel old.
I feel 27, and then I get a look at myself and I can't believe the lines and the sags.
I was a beautiful girl.
But worried.
And stupid.
I'm tougher now.
And if I get the fuck out of here I'd get senior discounts, I guess.
I do like a discount.
I'd also like to learn how to do that thing where you stand up in the water and row.
Huh, what is that? - Paddleboarding? - Yes! I think I'd like to do that.
Whoa.
In a wetsuit.
On a lake.
You got good balance there.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Hey, what's in those boxes, huh? On the bookshelf there! Ha! Piscatella! Boom! Motherfucker, dude.
This is longer than Infinite Jest.
Hey, you got any more of those vitamins? I was thinking the same thing.
We could escape! We could take the hostages ourselves and bust out of here! Don't, Ang! - Christ! - Oh, sorry.
I did that a few months ago, and there was nowhere to go.
- It was a real bummer.
- God damn it! I wish we could just sit around and get high and watch The Voice.
I mean, we should be able to do that, right? 'Cause we have the gun.
- Yeah.
- We should be able to make all our dreams come true.
Can't I just, like, shoot the power back on? Meth-head with a gun.
- This is what my mom warned me about.
- What'd she say? Never go near a meth-head with a gun.
Then why the fuck are we standing here? It's a cliffhanger.
Attention! Hey, hey, everybody! - Attention! - Listen! Everyone! Now We have finally figured out what to do with our newfound power.
We're gonna host a talent show! Performed by them.
Cheer! Cheer! Hey, guess what? I love the space program.
Don't you wanna know what's out there? I'm dealing with a lot of shit on planet Earth right now.
Not really giving space a lot of thought.
You sound just like Sister Ingalls.
She hates the space program.
Thinks it's a waste of resources.
Well, I have two words for her.
Extra terrestrials.
Maybe there's life out there and they have the answers to our problems.
Magical aliens are gonna solve all the problems we created? It's important to keep exploring.
I think we should take action in the here and now and stop looking to the stars for answers.
Sister knows what's important.
I'm not her, but if you think I sound like her, I'm flattered.
You wanna be like Sister? I'd be lucky.
She's the best person I know.
You sure this is the right way? Oh, there's a staircase around here somewhere.
Should take us right to the drop spot.
I call dibs on all the edibles.
Posting this shit on the Internet? It's like he's throwing it right in my face.
God, she even looks like you.
You shoulda seen her hair before I showed her how to wear it.
Wait, you know her? That's Corinne.
We had an arrangement.
I was going away for a while, so we made a deal.
Now, if Anders was gonna stick his flagpole somewhere, I wanted it in familiar ground.
It was supposed to stay in the bedroom.
Where's the staircase to heaven? Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
I'm bleeding! Relax! Ketchup.
Looks like some folks had a condiment war.
I think mustard won the day.
Uh, I'm feeling faint.
Can we rest for a moment? Just for a minute? No rest for the wicked.
She went to Brittany's birthday party? Are you fucking kidding me? And a fucking princess cake? The bitch bought her a princess cake! Technically, that's a mermaid, not a princess.
Until the end of the stupid movie.
Then she's a princess who gave up her voice to chase a man.
He knows how I feel about the fucking mermaid! And when our girl rises up from the sea, it'll be on her God-given talents, not some magical sea witch's spell.
And she'll know better than to marry outside her race.
Hey! All right, come on.
Let's go.
Uh, Sahar? You think it would ruin your creation if I took off the princess? You're not feeling knock-off Tiana? Not a fan of the whole princess thing in general.
I think it sends the wrong message.
Fair enough.
Can we do the cake now? Please? Almost.
Let's finish up the game first.
Oh.
Remind me I gotta pick up a graduation gift for Hassan's sister's best friend's kid tomorrow.
Whose name is - Karima.
- Mmm With the eyebrows extreme-a.
Shabammy! Shabammy? Seriously? - That's my good luck word.
- Ah I think you could do better.
Y'all just hating.
Don't you wanna be told when you're acting a fool? - I know I would.
- Oh, me, too.
Me three.
Hey! You're supposed to be on my team, right? - Right.
- Good.
Now, go show 'em how it's done, birthday girl.
I suck! Oh, baby, you don't suck.
Can I show you how to keep your wrist straight? It's working, right? - It's good.
- Better be.
We're in it till death do us part.
Or until the team of wife and wife beats me in bowling, and we both know that ain't gonna never happen.
Insha-Allah.
Shabammy! Leaves fall.
Flowers away.
Lengthen night and shorten day.
Keep us warm and close to thee till light again can comfort me.
What the fuck y'all doing? Sisters welcome.
Please join us.
We're about to begin the séance.
I'm sorry, the what? We are summoning Poussey's spirit.
You know, making sure there's no unfinished business.
Well, of course there's unfinished business.
She didn't get to live her life.
We we just wanna offer her some peace.
Well, y'all have fun with y'all pretend time.
Here, Suzanne.
I got you this jacket with a dragon on it.
It's reversible.
Thought you'd like it.
Oh, I do! Thank you.
That looks nice on you.
Yo, Brook.
You humoring them with this shit? I never got to say goodbye.
- Maybe this is my chance.
- No.
Wait a minute.
The spirits are getting stronger.
There's an object that's calling to 'em.
There.
- Those were hers.
- Man, what the fuck? - How you know that? - Just do.
We need them.
Look, Elephant Man.
You come close to my sneaks, your face gonna be double swollen.
Calm down.
We're just trying to make a spirit-friendly atmosphere.
Man, come on! This is some bullshit.
Ooh.
Actually, I'm kinda loving this.
I mean, you wanna walk away from some free entertainment? Scoot over.
I ain't taking off my shoes.
Oh, we just need them in the circle.
Come on, Taystee.
Everyone, please join hands.
Everyone, please join hands! Mighty spirit we are ready to receive you.
She's here.
I can smell her with my ears.
Oh, shit.
Come on! Hey! Titties, put those beasts to work.
Move your ass.
Hey, no loafing, motherfuckers.
- Let's go.
- Loafing? Beds out! Bitches, go! Motherfuckers! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Do you wanna be one of the judges? - Finally.
Someone appreciates me for my biting wit and of course, impeccable taste.
Not you, Ca-Boo-to.
- Funny.
- We want her.
Oh, me? I don't I don't know.
Oh, see, the thing is, we need one of those, like, just-edging-outta-cool, needs-to-pay-the-mortgage types who can say useful things, but with a tinge of sadness.
I'm the tell-it-like-it-is judge.
But I thought I was tell-it-like-it-is and you were gonna be, like, comforting and supportive.
Are you fucking serious right now? Yeah, I guess that's a stretch.
I can be supportive when I have to be.
Yeah, the thing is, we were thinking that you could be the stage manager.
Of course.
The dyke does tech.
Perfect.
- Ooh! Ooh! Mexico! - Excuse me? We are making something - really special - Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
and we're gonna let you be part of it.
See, there's always a Hispanic.
You can be the Hispanic.
Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! What the fuck are you talking about? Judge.
Like with Shakira.
Or JLo.
- But that's a different show.
- No.
I hate that stuck-up bitch.
- She's a fucking bitch.
- Fucking cunt.
I heard she kicked a dog.
- I'm sure she did.
- Mmm-hmm.
Well, come on.
It's gonna be fun.
See, the thing is, I think you got a great eye for talent.
I just feel that about you.
Plus, we're gonna get to make the guards feel real bad about themselves.
And, uh, she's got the gun and she wants you to do it so you kinda don't have a choice.
Are we supposed to perform like dancing monkeys? Momma made me mash my M&M's Bum, bum Momma made me mash my M&M's Bum, bum Momma made me mash my M&M's - Bum - You know, we all don't have to sing? There are other talents.
Singing is my talent, hombre.
If you feel threatened, you could do something else.
What are you singing? I don't know.
Something pop-y.
JT or Usher.
Or "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" from Oklahoma! I haven't decided yet.
Yeah, well, I got zero talents.
Yeah, well, you gotta think of something.
It's gun to the head.
Literally.
Can you juggle? - No.
- Play a sport? I threw javelin.
I never knew anyone who did that.
That's cool.
You need special shoes for that? They got spikes.
I did this one thing in college, just for, like, a couple extra bucks.
Sounds promising.
Why are we even doing this? It's not like they can kill us all.
You see what happened to your guard friend? What's his name, Humps? He wasn't dead, but he wasn't exactly alive either.
Five minutes to places, please, ladies and gentlemen.
Five minutes.
Thank you five.
It's a thing.
Momma made me mash my M&M's Bum, bum Burset? Where are you going? I'm leaving through the front door.
I need to see my friend.
Sophia, the fate of a large black person coming out of the dark through the front door isn't a promising one right now.
I'm willing to take my chances.
It's up to God, right? Uh, no, it's up to you.
That's right.
It's up to me.
You want this spot? I made a pillow.
I'm good.
So quiet out here.
Yeah.
There was so much yelling in there.
Bitches were screaming so loud, my brain got numb.
Yeah, noisy bitches.
I hate that.
And really smelly bitches.
And bitchy bitches.
You think we're gonna get in trouble being out here since technically it's count time? Maybe we get counted as sitting it out.
That would be cool.
Plus, the music's good.
Maybe we could just listen to it.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Hello? This is the third message.
There's five of you, why is no one ever near the phone? Jesus Christ, okay.
Um The battery's gonna die.
So, um call your mother.
- He's sleeping.
- You missed a button.
He took an Ambien.
If you wake him, he's gonna get weird.
There's a standoff at Litchfield Prison.
They've taken hostages.
The governor should know.
I can't be held responsible for any binge eating, or inappropriate e-mailing after you wake him.
You remember the two loaves of bread and the Nutella? Three jars, Nita.
Ambien eating.
We'll clean it up.
And I'll take away his phone and his laptop till morning.
- When did this come in? - Five minutes ago.
MCC.
That's Paulson? Pearson.
Jack Pearson.
Right, that's right.
That guy's a real fart-sniffer.
Who negotiated for the inmates? No one, I don't think.
It it came straight from them.
Shit! They make some fair points.
Grab my laptop from over there, will you? Or, uh, you could dictate.
Why don't you dictate? I can't do this right now.
We'll call them first thing in the morning.
- The inmates? - MCC.
That's six hours from now.
That's a long time, sir.
There are hostages.
It's a women's minimum security prison.
Probably one big Take Back the Night rally.
Maybe less armpit hair.
Do they have razors in there? Come back in the morning.
On your way out, could you tell Ashley that we need to discuss the She she should just come back in here Situation.
I'm hungry.
Are you hungry? Jeez! I never thought I'd find someone slower than me.
You know, I am walking in the dark with Heinz 57 in my eyes, attached to a goddamn wooden plank! Oh, poor you.
I have Morton's neuroma.
Yeah, well, I probably have Wolfgang Puck's herpes, but I don't go around announcing it.
Did you think you were being the cool girl or something? Don't you know the cool girl always ends up alone or fat? Or both in my cousin April's case.
I thought it'd be like one of those open-minded relationships, you know? I think you mean open relationship.
They can be quite wonderful Don't correct her! Who asked you anyway? I only brought it up because I happen to be in one myself.
Of course you are, money bags.
This is different.
When's the last time you had to suck a dick? Well, I don't see it as a "have to" thing.
Oh, I just can't believe he got so public about it, ya know? It's a real small town.
My doctor's also my dentist and sometimes cuts my hair.
Now everyone knows.
- Your kid.
She knows.
- Jesus.
Helen, be sensitive.
Shit! There's no reception here.
I need service! I gotta call him.
Where the fuck are we? Well, I got myself turned around.
You know, this is a prison.
You know, they don't want people going up on the roof all the time.
They like to keep that access aloof.
You guys go ahead.
I gotta find bars.
Tragic.
Hey, Noodle! Ah! Perfect timing.
I've got lunch ready for you.
Mommy, look.
Aren't they cool? You let her do that? You said whatever she wanted.
I meant a bracelet, maybe a purse.
Not body mutilation.
Oh, that's a little harsh, don't you think? Sahar, can you please take Farah into the den? You need to relax.
- Me? - She's her daughter, too.
Oh, really? I don't remember her in the delivery room pushing that melon head out.
You can't have it all ways, Alison.
You can't be both the hero and the victim.
It should have been a conversation.
It was a conversation.
And after that conversation, we decided to be a family.
She's my child.
When you invite someone in, it's your job to make 'em feel wanted.
Farah's happy.
I'm happy.
Sahar's happy.
Come on, Al.
Where's my girl? Hey.
Hey! Where'd you come from? I'm an inmate.
And I've just broken out of prison.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
What are you gonna do with me? Uh Uh, I guess we'll, uh, take you over to Max.
That's what we did with the rest who bolted.
Come on.
I'll get you a van.
So what's it like in there? Is it nuts? Yeah, this way.
It's fine.
Performance report.
Performance report.
Why are there so many performance reports? How many reports does one man need on his performance? My God! Does your mouth feel dry? Uh, yeah.
Plus, it's moving in slow-mo.
Hey, mira.
Look! There's something here.
I know it.
But I can't concentrate with that clock ticking so loud.
What clock? That cl Huh.
That's strange.
No matter.
Back to business.
We're taking down that big warthog, and then they'll all see.
- See what? - They'll just see.
It's enough.
That they see.
Okay.
Maybe there are so many performance reports because he's writing them himself.
Or what if he stole someone's identity? - Or what if he was - He killed someone.
- Yes, he would do that.
- No, really.
He killed an inmate.
"Inmate Rosado from D block "was discovered unresponsive in a running shower "with full thickness burns over 80% of his body.
"CO on duty at time of the incident was Desi Piscatella.
" My God! A week later he was transferred.
How did Caputo not know? What am I saying, of course he knew.
Maybe it was an accident.
There are no accidents.
You're right.
Everything is a choice.
Come on! Remember, you must keep the circle unbroken.
Whatever you do, do not break the circle.
Hold up.
What if we gotta pee? Do not break the circle.
Poussey we welcome you to this room.
As we sit here we make this a place of welcoming.
Everyone, tell Poussey we welcome her.
We welcome you, Poussey.
Taystee? She gets it.
She welcome.
Poussey, Suzanne is here to listen to you.
Speak to her.
Tell her what you want us to hear.
She says she's trying to feel a peach.
Oh.
Trying to feel at peace.
Does she really believe this shit? Everybody got their own way to grieve.
She says she's not angry.
But she's lost.
How can we help her find her way? She says she feels the throbbing of time.
A throbbing in a time machine.
Oh, my God.
That was our place.
How did you know that? Oh, please, like that's some big secret.
Wait.
Wait, what else? - No, I can't hear.
- What else? Page 70.
She says "Page 70.
" Maya Angelou.
She was her favorite.
P's favorite book was Alice in Wonderland.
- No, it was Maya Angelou.
- Stop! Stop! Is is she saying that? No, I'm saying that.
I can't hear! Quote She says she says there's a quote.
"You've got another love, and I know it" You're taking too damn long.
Oh, yo! "She'll cry and wonder.
What went wrong?" See? Maya Angelou.
I am crying and wondering what went wrong.
We're all doin' that.
You really think P would bother to have us look that shit up in a book? She says she misses you.
Tell her I miss her, too.
So much.
What makes you think she talking to you? Because she feels my grief! Oh, and she don't feel mine? - We was best friends! - It's You knew her for, like, five minutes compared to me! It's not about quantity, it's about connection! Well, we had both.
Oh, shit, it's a grief-off.
Sisters, please.
This energy is not spirit-friendly right now.
You know what? Fuck this.
I'm done.
- No, you can't break the circle.
- Why? She already dead! And this this Pagan bullshit ain't gonna bring her back! There ain't no heaven, and there ain't no ghosts, man! When you dead you dead.
We promised you the best of the bubble.
We promised them a chance to show us what they got, and live.
This is Litchfield Idol! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought we were doing The Voice.
I don't like Idol as much.
It's a better name.
Let it go.
Studio audience, let 'em know you're here! The stage is set.
The tension is real.
The pressure is Okay! That's like three intros already.
Can we get on with it? All right.
Ladies and, well, lady boys, please welcome to the stage our first contestant, CO Dixon.
Whenever you're ready, Lee.
You're a rich girl And you've gone too far 'Cause you know it don't matter anyway You can rely on the old man's money You can rely on the old man's money It's a bitch, girl And it's gone too far And you know it don't matter anyway Say money but it won't take you too far Take you too far Okay.
Well, thank you.
Don't you know Don't you know That it's wrong, oh To take what's given you Now, I thought you were a little pitchy in the early verses, but you recovered nicely.
Well done.
Yeah, it was all right.
Well, I'm not a big fan of the song choice, but I thought the execution was good.
Just don't get all nasally when you hit those high notes.
- Exactly what I was gonna say.
- Mmm-hmm.
- "Joseph knelt while in his youth.
" - Oh, fuck.
"And prayed to know the good Lord's truth.
"He did the work that he was told.
"His prayers did yield - two plates of gold.
" - Ooh.
I could've used more magic.
Was that Joseph Smith finding the tablets? - Yes! - Oh, see I didn't even get that and it still worked for me.
Ladies.
All right.
Ladies, all right.
How're we doing? You guys good? You guys good? I've seen a lot of you out there taking pictures of yourselves with your newly-found phones.
Takin' selfies.
Or as they're called in prison, cell-fies.
Boo.
Wow.
How many of y'all bitches like eating pussy? Ha-ha-ha! I mean, I don't know.
I thought you were a little bit too Jay Leno or something.
But not in a good way, you know? Yeah, no, I totally agree.
It was terrible.
I'm so thirsty.
What should I do now? Um Oh, yeah, boobs.
Yeah, I have boobs.
Yay, me! Yay! Yeah! It's a little it's a little cheesy but there's something really satisfying about it.
See, for me it's, like, a little hacky.
Um, but didn't you think it was satisfying, like like a little bit? For me? No.
He's not an eggplant, he's retarded! Oh, what a pity to be without testicles.
Ooh! Long live the pussy! Viva la gnocca! Shut your mouth! Get out of here! Ladies, I know you're angry.
And I'm angry, too.
I'm pleading with you to just stop this.
We we can all work together.
Are you gonna perform or not? Yeah, um There There's workers in the mine And they can't get out There's workers in the mine With a job to do 'Cause the moms won't care And it's just not fair Gotta get those workers out of there With a job to do Uh, I I need a phone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said that you could put your uniform on? What I gave it to him.
He said it would be worth it! I just need a little music.
Next time, you need to consult with me first.
- Okay - That was really fucked up.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Whoo! Hey! Oh, my God! - It's too much! - Oh! - It's too much! - That's too much? - Yeah.
- Who else wants it, huh? Winner! We really have our work cut out.
This has been our strongest season yet.
Uh, look, your friend is here.
Ugh! Like a puppy that won't stop following me around.
Von Barlow, you got a sec? All right, commercial break.
What's going on in here? I'm a little busy.
What do you want? Look, I need to be sure that somebody keeps their mouth shut about a certain something that they overheard about somebody else in the bathroom.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's fine.
I gotta go weigh in.
Look, do you hear what I'm telling you? I have information on you, too, you know.
I found the dick pics.
And I know who they belong to.
That thing is veiny.
Well, it was fun.
But he cheated on me so we're totally over.
And I don't care about your friend.
Go live your life.
I gotta go judge.
Not you something else, okay? Bye.
Yo, why that judge look so familiar? 'Cause she's famous.
That's the counterfeit cunt from Connecticut right there.
Oh, yeah.
Is this where you go when you want nothing to do with that shit? Who's in charge out here? She is.
Oh, yeah.
I recognize you from the chapel.
So, you running this resistance thing? I'm not running anything.
Okay? I'm trying to stay out of all that.
Do you guys hear me? You don't wanna follow me.
I am not a leader.
I'm not a good person.
I'm a murderer.
I murdered someone, and I let my friend go down for it.
So you all can do whatever you want, but I just wanna sit here and serve my time.
Well, I only wanna serve my time, too.
I only wanna serve my time, too.
- Me, too.
- Yep, me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
Fuck! Fuck! What do you want now, Nazi? I'm not a Fuck off terrorist.
Whatever.
We all heard the crowd.
We know who they responded to the most.
Yeah, it was Mr.
Chippendales over there.
Now's the time! We asked the fans what they want.
But in the end, it's the judges' decision.
One judge in particular.
Whatever.
Some judges have better taste than others.
Oh, this is bullshit.
I totally get it.
I do.
Thank you! In the end, the winner of Litchfield's Got Talent Litchfield Idol! Just 'cause you got the gun doesn't mean you get to decide everything.
Ugh.
- The winner is Josh.
- What? What the fuck? What the hell happened to talent in talent competition? That's some bullshit! Hey! - The decision is final.
- All right.
The hot guy wins! Aw.
- Hi! - Hi.
Um, what what exactly do I win? Mmm.
Oh, shit.
We forgot about that.
Ooh! You get to pick the loser, who we then get to punish! Well, there's only one loser here.
That's the so-called Warden.
Warden! Let's take him to the Poo! You mean SHU.
- Let's go, Caputo.
- Don't be scared.
Welcome.
Your humble abode, sir.
Ladies And don't even think about trying to escape! Hey, B-12, right? The vitamin? Nah, the SHU.
I recognize your voice.
Vazquez.
I was in B-10 for two weeks.
Oh, yeah.
You had that spider.
Yeah, the fool spider boy had nine legs and still couldn't deliver a kite.
Hey, is it true the ladies took over up there? - Something like that.
- Hmm.
Hey, were you still in the box when they brought a nun in? Maybe you heard her.
She's a talker.
No, uh, I didn't catch her on the way in, but I saw her on the way out.
- Out? - Yeah, she got pneumonia.
Wasn't doing too good.
So, they gave her a CR.
Compassionate Release.
We should all be so lucky.
Oh Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, easy now! Easy! Whoa! Buggy up here.
That's a good idea.
How're they gonna see us? You okay there? Too many steps.
Fuck this, I'm going back.
What about the drop? There ain't no drop.
She was clearly lying to save her skin.
No.
No, that's not right.
- She has 1% riot help! - That's right.
And I'm Sinatra.
Fuck it.
Let's throw her off.
No! No, no, wait! Wait! Jonesy! No, wait a minute! - Jonesy! Yoga - Guys, stop it! No, wait a minute! Jonesy! Yoga, no! No! - Stop! Yoga, no! - Wait a minute! No, stop! Wait, look! Look! Over here! Oh, Lord! I can't breathe! This goddamn flicker vertigo Oh, shit! Help.
Focus.
An ambush requires focus.
Dixon, Dixon.
Go for the small one.
Butchy's got a neck like a telephone pole.
I'm ready.
Abort.
Abort.
- Abort, abort, abort.
- What? What the What are you Here you go, piggies.
Some slop for you.
Gotta fatten you up for the slaughter.
Kidding.
That crap will go right through ya.
You'll all die thin.
Cutlery.
Bon appétit.
What the fuck? I had her! - You fucking pussy.
- It wasn't the right time.
There were too many of them.
Oh, my God.
We're never getting out of here.
Spork? Hey! I was gonna do that anyway, so, thanks! Filthy fucking cunts.
Look-it.
Big boy and the Warden goin' at it.
That'll be a good name for one of them buddy movies.
Big Boy and the Warden.
Ew.
You think those two are I said buddy movie, not butt-buddy movie.
Although Chris Tucker was so far up Jackie Chan's ass in Rush Hour.
I seen the porn version of that one time called Gush Hour.
It was nasty.
What was nasty? - This movie with a lot of wet - Daya, maybe it's, uh, time to rest? Yeah, I just gotta get my gun back from Pidge.
What? Oh.
Still can't believe you let her have it and not me.
She's ready to hand it back.
Would you? No, probably not.
So What's going on with those two? They're so different, but they need to figure out how they're going to work together.
- Cuckoo! - Wonder Twin powers activate! Stop! These are tight.
Gun! - Oh, shit! - Get it! Which one of you jalapeño hookers grabbed my boob? Answer her! Oh, wait.
Shit.
That might've been me.
Sorry, that was crazy down there.
Not my problem anymore, huh? I knew it.
Fuck! Shut up! Put your hands up! Hey! Hey, you guys speaking Española over there.
Yeah! Look at me.
Look at me! I'm the jefe now.
She's the jefe.
Okay, enough with these two.
Ah.
StreetEasy.
Mmm-hmm.
Let's search for New York real estate porn.
Gramercy Park.
One bedroom, two baths hardwood floors, of course.
Or two bedrooms for, like, an office-guest room situation.
Is it important to have a gym in the building? How about cement floors, no windows and a view of a toilet? Because that will be home if Von Barlow tells her boyfriend what she heard.
What's her real name again? Oh, my God.
I don't I don't know.
Linda something.
I guess.
Linda.
Linda, who has "Solsbury Hill" on every single one of her Spotify playlists.
Her heart is going boom-boom-boom.
She could end you.
I don't know how many ways to tell you I don't give a good goddamn.
Or a bad goddamn.
I don't give any kind of goddamn, goddamn.
If she spills, she spills.
I'm guilty.
I did it.
What will be will be.
Jesus, Alex.
I don't wanna talk about this with you anymore.
Lie with me under the stars and and look at homes that we'll never afford thanks to sub-prime lending and also because we're registered felons.
You can feel guilty and not destroy your life.
Which is long.
And involves me.
You have to care about protecting yourself.
Do you think you were born this way? Or do I have Carol to thank for your exhausting need to control everything? Fine, I don't need a gym.
Hardwood floor's a deal breaker.
And playing the Carol card was very low.
Hey, sometimes you gotta haul out the big guns.
Hey, baby.
Uh, hopefully you can hear me.
Please tell Daddy and Sahar that I'm okay Oh, Jonesy! Thank God! Don't "Jonesy" me! We know about your special panic room.
Where is it? - My what? - Your VIP bunker.
You got snacks in there? She's got a secret snack bunker? No, of course I don't.
If I had a panic room, don't you think I'd be in it? Baloney! We saw a text from your boy toy, Reg, saying you were being taken care of.
What? Well, go on, let me see that.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Reg is the husband, Bill is the boy toy.
Huh! Don't wanna share, huh? Scrooge McDuck.
Hey, turban! - How do you waterboard someone? - Join the military.
And they say Muslims ain't funny.
You're a fuckin' riot.
You know, I have worked with many Muslims, many African Americans, I've had nothing but good experiences.
Yeah, nice try and all, but I can't help you here.
I got my own fish to fry.
You get service here? Maybe I'll get the fried fish.
Mmm.
It's beer battered.
Not halal.
Look at you, kickin' the "Allah knows best.
" Shoot.
It looked good.
Fried's not good for you anyway.
Get the grilled.
Fine, but I'm getting fries.
Your body, your choice.
Your body, too.
You really wanna share it? I'm willing to.
Is it a dream come true? No, but I'm working more than ever.
- The Noodle is not getting - The Noodle is fine.
She's perfect.
She's my perfect, pretty princess.
Okay, you've got to cut that out.
She's not a perfect, pretty princess.
She's a smart young woman.
She's strong.
She's beautiful.
We gotta use empowering words.
Not cute and princess.
She's strong and beautiful, and smart, just like her mother.
My pretty princess wife.
Masha-Allah.
Can we get back to the discussion, please? Babe, if you're so overwhelmed with work and Farah, why don't we just hire a nanny? Because there's also you.
You need more, too.
I'm fine.
Hassan, I want a peaceful home.
And right now, I finish my work you get back from your work, we're both tired and cranky, and Farah's got homework, we gotta eat the house is a mess.
It's just It's all too much, and we're not getting the best parts of each other.
I don't know why this seems like such a big deal for you.
Most of our friends have done it.
Your dad has three wives.
It wasn't always peace in the valley at our house.
Plus, he's 63 years old, and manscapes.
Not really one to model a life after.
How about this? Let's be open to it? If the right person comes along, then we'll talk more.
And frankly, a little trimming wouldn't kill you.
Ugh.
This is killing me! Look at that snaggley smile.
That's my guy.
Teeth.
Wow.
All the Hardings got it.
Snaggle's loud and proud.
This is insane.
You really need to attach me to a plank? You're a flight risk.
If you try to run, this'll slow you down.
It's funny.
Maybe we can build a rack out of these.
Stretch her out till she delivers the treats? Can you google "torture rack"? - There are no treats! - More rope.
Awesome.
Fuck the treats.
This'll be more fun.
We just need something to pull the nails out of these, and then something to bang them into her! Yeah, okay, all right.
Okay, fine! You win.
All right, the truth is there's a supply drop that's coming for me.
It's not in yet, but it's coming.
I knew it! When? When's the drop? Uh, tonight.
Soon.
Uh, on the roof.
Helicopter's bringing pizzas, booze, cigarettes, you name it.
Excellent! Let's go! Sankey, you coming? Hey, what's up? Aw, that sucks.
Those teeth.
Fuck.
What was that? Did you hear that? The trays crashing? What trays crashing? No, that is either a mischief of rats - A mischief? - That's what a group of rats is called.
Um, a group of ferrets is called a business.
No, I didn't hear ferrets.
I heard either a mischief of mutant rats with human pinkie toes air vibrating through wind turbines, or C.
C I'm thinking C.
What's C? I don't know but it's gonna be good.
Her spirit.
Poussey's spirit.
I thought you said that ghosts aren't real? They aren't.
Spirits are.
What's the difference? Spirits come from the other side to visit those they love that are still left here on Earth.
No such thing as ghosts.
Uh, I'm still not I'm not getting the difference.
Go with it.
That.
What was that? I don't know.
I shivered.
Because you were cold? Or because you felt something? You know, I heard that ghosts No There are no ghosts! Uh, spirits sometimes can't leave the spot where they died until they resolve some unfinished business.
Five to ten seconds at most.
Be sure not to blow on the solder, otherwise Don't do that.
This can make it lumpy, or can also add impurities.
Now, you want to repeat this until you're finished.
So, you're gonna repeat these above steps for each point that you want to solder.
So, re-tin your iron's tip, okay, every several applications.
Wepa! Blake was on tour six years.
Afghanistan? Oh, shit.
Morman Miracle Pageant.
He was in some kind of musical.
Once you start scratching the surface on somebody, it's crazy the kind of shit you find.
That's why I try to keep my nails short.
Don't wanna scratch too deep and hit crazy.
Maybe instead of "P" for Piscatella, he filed it under "S" for son of a bitch.
Feeling kind of sweaty.
You feeling sweaty? No.
That's over, thank God.
Although for years, I was one giant hot flash.
- Some things do get better with age.
- Like what? My leg hair grows in patchier.
Not so much shaving to do.
My skin feels softer.
I don't give as many fucks, although that's not really true.
I give many fucks.
The problem is, I don't feel old.
I feel 27, and then I get a look at myself and I can't believe the lines and the sags.
I was a beautiful girl.
But worried.
And stupid.
I'm tougher now.
And if I get the fuck out of here I'd get senior discounts, I guess.
I do like a discount.
I'd also like to learn how to do that thing where you stand up in the water and row.
Huh, what is that? - Paddleboarding? - Yes! I think I'd like to do that.
Whoa.
In a wetsuit.
On a lake.
You got good balance there.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Hey, what's in those boxes, huh? On the bookshelf there! Ha! Piscatella! Boom! Motherfucker, dude.
This is longer than Infinite Jest.
Hey, you got any more of those vitamins? I was thinking the same thing.
We could escape! We could take the hostages ourselves and bust out of here! Don't, Ang! - Christ! - Oh, sorry.
I did that a few months ago, and there was nowhere to go.
- It was a real bummer.
- God damn it! I wish we could just sit around and get high and watch The Voice.
I mean, we should be able to do that, right? 'Cause we have the gun.
- Yeah.
- We should be able to make all our dreams come true.
Can't I just, like, shoot the power back on? Meth-head with a gun.
- This is what my mom warned me about.
- What'd she say? Never go near a meth-head with a gun.
Then why the fuck are we standing here? It's a cliffhanger.
Attention! Hey, hey, everybody! - Attention! - Listen! Everyone! Now We have finally figured out what to do with our newfound power.
We're gonna host a talent show! Performed by them.
Cheer! Cheer! Hey, guess what? I love the space program.
Don't you wanna know what's out there? I'm dealing with a lot of shit on planet Earth right now.
Not really giving space a lot of thought.
You sound just like Sister Ingalls.
She hates the space program.
Thinks it's a waste of resources.
Well, I have two words for her.
Extra terrestrials.
Maybe there's life out there and they have the answers to our problems.
Magical aliens are gonna solve all the problems we created? It's important to keep exploring.
I think we should take action in the here and now and stop looking to the stars for answers.
Sister knows what's important.
I'm not her, but if you think I sound like her, I'm flattered.
You wanna be like Sister? I'd be lucky.
She's the best person I know.
You sure this is the right way? Oh, there's a staircase around here somewhere.
Should take us right to the drop spot.
I call dibs on all the edibles.
Posting this shit on the Internet? It's like he's throwing it right in my face.
God, she even looks like you.
You shoulda seen her hair before I showed her how to wear it.
Wait, you know her? That's Corinne.
We had an arrangement.
I was going away for a while, so we made a deal.
Now, if Anders was gonna stick his flagpole somewhere, I wanted it in familiar ground.
It was supposed to stay in the bedroom.
Where's the staircase to heaven? Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
I'm bleeding! Relax! Ketchup.
Looks like some folks had a condiment war.
I think mustard won the day.
Uh, I'm feeling faint.
Can we rest for a moment? Just for a minute? No rest for the wicked.
She went to Brittany's birthday party? Are you fucking kidding me? And a fucking princess cake? The bitch bought her a princess cake! Technically, that's a mermaid, not a princess.
Until the end of the stupid movie.
Then she's a princess who gave up her voice to chase a man.
He knows how I feel about the fucking mermaid! And when our girl rises up from the sea, it'll be on her God-given talents, not some magical sea witch's spell.
And she'll know better than to marry outside her race.
Hey! All right, come on.
Let's go.
Uh, Sahar? You think it would ruin your creation if I took off the princess? You're not feeling knock-off Tiana? Not a fan of the whole princess thing in general.
I think it sends the wrong message.
Fair enough.
Can we do the cake now? Please? Almost.
Let's finish up the game first.
Oh.
Remind me I gotta pick up a graduation gift for Hassan's sister's best friend's kid tomorrow.
Whose name is - Karima.
- Mmm With the eyebrows extreme-a.
Shabammy! Shabammy? Seriously? - That's my good luck word.
- Ah I think you could do better.
Y'all just hating.
Don't you wanna be told when you're acting a fool? - I know I would.
- Oh, me, too.
Me three.
Hey! You're supposed to be on my team, right? - Right.
- Good.
Now, go show 'em how it's done, birthday girl.
I suck! Oh, baby, you don't suck.
Can I show you how to keep your wrist straight? It's working, right? - It's good.
- Better be.
We're in it till death do us part.
Or until the team of wife and wife beats me in bowling, and we both know that ain't gonna never happen.
Insha-Allah.
Shabammy! Leaves fall.
Flowers away.
Lengthen night and shorten day.
Keep us warm and close to thee till light again can comfort me.
What the fuck y'all doing? Sisters welcome.
Please join us.
We're about to begin the séance.
I'm sorry, the what? We are summoning Poussey's spirit.
You know, making sure there's no unfinished business.
Well, of course there's unfinished business.
She didn't get to live her life.
We we just wanna offer her some peace.
Well, y'all have fun with y'all pretend time.
Here, Suzanne.
I got you this jacket with a dragon on it.
It's reversible.
Thought you'd like it.
Oh, I do! Thank you.
That looks nice on you.
Yo, Brook.
You humoring them with this shit? I never got to say goodbye.
- Maybe this is my chance.
- No.
Wait a minute.
The spirits are getting stronger.
There's an object that's calling to 'em.
There.
- Those were hers.
- Man, what the fuck? - How you know that? - Just do.
We need them.
Look, Elephant Man.
You come close to my sneaks, your face gonna be double swollen.
Calm down.
We're just trying to make a spirit-friendly atmosphere.
Man, come on! This is some bullshit.
Ooh.
Actually, I'm kinda loving this.
I mean, you wanna walk away from some free entertainment? Scoot over.
I ain't taking off my shoes.
Oh, we just need them in the circle.
Come on, Taystee.
Everyone, please join hands.
Everyone, please join hands! Mighty spirit we are ready to receive you.
She's here.
I can smell her with my ears.
Oh, shit.
Come on! Hey! Titties, put those beasts to work.
Move your ass.
Hey, no loafing, motherfuckers.
- Let's go.
- Loafing? Beds out! Bitches, go! Motherfuckers! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Do you wanna be one of the judges? - Finally.
Someone appreciates me for my biting wit and of course, impeccable taste.
Not you, Ca-Boo-to.
- Funny.
- We want her.
Oh, me? I don't I don't know.
Oh, see, the thing is, we need one of those, like, just-edging-outta-cool, needs-to-pay-the-mortgage types who can say useful things, but with a tinge of sadness.
I'm the tell-it-like-it-is judge.
But I thought I was tell-it-like-it-is and you were gonna be, like, comforting and supportive.
Are you fucking serious right now? Yeah, I guess that's a stretch.
I can be supportive when I have to be.
Yeah, the thing is, we were thinking that you could be the stage manager.
Of course.
The dyke does tech.
Perfect.
- Ooh! Ooh! Mexico! - Excuse me? We are making something - really special - Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
and we're gonna let you be part of it.
See, there's always a Hispanic.
You can be the Hispanic.
Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! What the fuck are you talking about? Judge.
Like with Shakira.
Or JLo.
- But that's a different show.
- No.
I hate that stuck-up bitch.
- She's a fucking bitch.
- Fucking cunt.
I heard she kicked a dog.
- I'm sure she did.
- Mmm-hmm.
Well, come on.
It's gonna be fun.
See, the thing is, I think you got a great eye for talent.
I just feel that about you.
Plus, we're gonna get to make the guards feel real bad about themselves.
And, uh, she's got the gun and she wants you to do it so you kinda don't have a choice.
Are we supposed to perform like dancing monkeys? Momma made me mash my M&M's Bum, bum Momma made me mash my M&M's Bum, bum Momma made me mash my M&M's - Bum - You know, we all don't have to sing? There are other talents.
Singing is my talent, hombre.
If you feel threatened, you could do something else.
What are you singing? I don't know.
Something pop-y.
JT or Usher.
Or "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" from Oklahoma! I haven't decided yet.
Yeah, well, I got zero talents.
Yeah, well, you gotta think of something.
It's gun to the head.
Literally.
Can you juggle? - No.
- Play a sport? I threw javelin.
I never knew anyone who did that.
That's cool.
You need special shoes for that? They got spikes.
I did this one thing in college, just for, like, a couple extra bucks.
Sounds promising.
Why are we even doing this? It's not like they can kill us all.
You see what happened to your guard friend? What's his name, Humps? He wasn't dead, but he wasn't exactly alive either.
Five minutes to places, please, ladies and gentlemen.
Five minutes.
Thank you five.
It's a thing.
Momma made me mash my M&M's Bum, bum Burset? Where are you going? I'm leaving through the front door.
I need to see my friend.
Sophia, the fate of a large black person coming out of the dark through the front door isn't a promising one right now.
I'm willing to take my chances.
It's up to God, right? Uh, no, it's up to you.
That's right.
It's up to me.
You want this spot? I made a pillow.
I'm good.
So quiet out here.
Yeah.
There was so much yelling in there.
Bitches were screaming so loud, my brain got numb.
Yeah, noisy bitches.
I hate that.
And really smelly bitches.
And bitchy bitches.
You think we're gonna get in trouble being out here since technically it's count time? Maybe we get counted as sitting it out.
That would be cool.
Plus, the music's good.
Maybe we could just listen to it.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Hello? This is the third message.
There's five of you, why is no one ever near the phone? Jesus Christ, okay.
Um The battery's gonna die.
So, um call your mother.
- He's sleeping.
- You missed a button.
He took an Ambien.
If you wake him, he's gonna get weird.
There's a standoff at Litchfield Prison.
They've taken hostages.
The governor should know.
I can't be held responsible for any binge eating, or inappropriate e-mailing after you wake him.
You remember the two loaves of bread and the Nutella? Three jars, Nita.
Ambien eating.
We'll clean it up.
And I'll take away his phone and his laptop till morning.
- When did this come in? - Five minutes ago.
MCC.
That's Paulson? Pearson.
Jack Pearson.
Right, that's right.
That guy's a real fart-sniffer.
Who negotiated for the inmates? No one, I don't think.
It it came straight from them.
Shit! They make some fair points.
Grab my laptop from over there, will you? Or, uh, you could dictate.
Why don't you dictate? I can't do this right now.
We'll call them first thing in the morning.
- The inmates? - MCC.
That's six hours from now.
That's a long time, sir.
There are hostages.
It's a women's minimum security prison.
Probably one big Take Back the Night rally.
Maybe less armpit hair.
Do they have razors in there? Come back in the morning.
On your way out, could you tell Ashley that we need to discuss the She she should just come back in here Situation.
I'm hungry.
Are you hungry? Jeez! I never thought I'd find someone slower than me.
You know, I am walking in the dark with Heinz 57 in my eyes, attached to a goddamn wooden plank! Oh, poor you.
I have Morton's neuroma.
Yeah, well, I probably have Wolfgang Puck's herpes, but I don't go around announcing it.
Did you think you were being the cool girl or something? Don't you know the cool girl always ends up alone or fat? Or both in my cousin April's case.
I thought it'd be like one of those open-minded relationships, you know? I think you mean open relationship.
They can be quite wonderful Don't correct her! Who asked you anyway? I only brought it up because I happen to be in one myself.
Of course you are, money bags.
This is different.
When's the last time you had to suck a dick? Well, I don't see it as a "have to" thing.
Oh, I just can't believe he got so public about it, ya know? It's a real small town.
My doctor's also my dentist and sometimes cuts my hair.
Now everyone knows.
- Your kid.
She knows.
- Jesus.
Helen, be sensitive.
Shit! There's no reception here.
I need service! I gotta call him.
Where the fuck are we? Well, I got myself turned around.
You know, this is a prison.
You know, they don't want people going up on the roof all the time.
They like to keep that access aloof.
You guys go ahead.
I gotta find bars.
Tragic.
Hey, Noodle! Ah! Perfect timing.
I've got lunch ready for you.
Mommy, look.
Aren't they cool? You let her do that? You said whatever she wanted.
I meant a bracelet, maybe a purse.
Not body mutilation.
Oh, that's a little harsh, don't you think? Sahar, can you please take Farah into the den? You need to relax.
- Me? - She's her daughter, too.
Oh, really? I don't remember her in the delivery room pushing that melon head out.
You can't have it all ways, Alison.
You can't be both the hero and the victim.
It should have been a conversation.
It was a conversation.
And after that conversation, we decided to be a family.
She's my child.
When you invite someone in, it's your job to make 'em feel wanted.
Farah's happy.
I'm happy.
Sahar's happy.
Come on, Al.
Where's my girl? Hey.
Hey! Where'd you come from? I'm an inmate.
And I've just broken out of prison.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
What are you gonna do with me? Uh Uh, I guess we'll, uh, take you over to Max.
That's what we did with the rest who bolted.
Come on.
I'll get you a van.
So what's it like in there? Is it nuts? Yeah, this way.
It's fine.
Performance report.
Performance report.
Why are there so many performance reports? How many reports does one man need on his performance? My God! Does your mouth feel dry? Uh, yeah.
Plus, it's moving in slow-mo.
Hey, mira.
Look! There's something here.
I know it.
But I can't concentrate with that clock ticking so loud.
What clock? That cl Huh.
That's strange.
No matter.
Back to business.
We're taking down that big warthog, and then they'll all see.
- See what? - They'll just see.
It's enough.
That they see.
Okay.
Maybe there are so many performance reports because he's writing them himself.
Or what if he stole someone's identity? - Or what if he was - He killed someone.
- Yes, he would do that.
- No, really.
He killed an inmate.
"Inmate Rosado from D block "was discovered unresponsive in a running shower "with full thickness burns over 80% of his body.
"CO on duty at time of the incident was Desi Piscatella.
" My God! A week later he was transferred.
How did Caputo not know? What am I saying, of course he knew.
Maybe it was an accident.
There are no accidents.
You're right.
Everything is a choice.
Come on! Remember, you must keep the circle unbroken.
Whatever you do, do not break the circle.
Hold up.
What if we gotta pee? Do not break the circle.
Poussey we welcome you to this room.
As we sit here we make this a place of welcoming.
Everyone, tell Poussey we welcome her.
We welcome you, Poussey.
Taystee? She gets it.
She welcome.
Poussey, Suzanne is here to listen to you.
Speak to her.
Tell her what you want us to hear.
She says she's trying to feel a peach.
Oh.
Trying to feel at peace.
Does she really believe this shit? Everybody got their own way to grieve.
She says she's not angry.
But she's lost.
How can we help her find her way? She says she feels the throbbing of time.
A throbbing in a time machine.
Oh, my God.
That was our place.
How did you know that? Oh, please, like that's some big secret.
Wait.
Wait, what else? - No, I can't hear.
- What else? Page 70.
She says "Page 70.
" Maya Angelou.
She was her favorite.
P's favorite book was Alice in Wonderland.
- No, it was Maya Angelou.
- Stop! Stop! Is is she saying that? No, I'm saying that.
I can't hear! Quote She says she says there's a quote.
"You've got another love, and I know it" You're taking too damn long.
Oh, yo! "She'll cry and wonder.
What went wrong?" See? Maya Angelou.
I am crying and wondering what went wrong.
We're all doin' that.
You really think P would bother to have us look that shit up in a book? She says she misses you.
Tell her I miss her, too.
So much.
What makes you think she talking to you? Because she feels my grief! Oh, and she don't feel mine? - We was best friends! - It's You knew her for, like, five minutes compared to me! It's not about quantity, it's about connection! Well, we had both.
Oh, shit, it's a grief-off.
Sisters, please.
This energy is not spirit-friendly right now.
You know what? Fuck this.
I'm done.
- No, you can't break the circle.
- Why? She already dead! And this this Pagan bullshit ain't gonna bring her back! There ain't no heaven, and there ain't no ghosts, man! When you dead you dead.
We promised you the best of the bubble.
We promised them a chance to show us what they got, and live.
This is Litchfield Idol! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought we were doing The Voice.
I don't like Idol as much.
It's a better name.
Let it go.
Studio audience, let 'em know you're here! The stage is set.
The tension is real.
The pressure is Okay! That's like three intros already.
Can we get on with it? All right.
Ladies and, well, lady boys, please welcome to the stage our first contestant, CO Dixon.
Whenever you're ready, Lee.
You're a rich girl And you've gone too far 'Cause you know it don't matter anyway You can rely on the old man's money You can rely on the old man's money It's a bitch, girl And it's gone too far And you know it don't matter anyway Say money but it won't take you too far Take you too far Okay.
Well, thank you.
Don't you know Don't you know That it's wrong, oh To take what's given you Now, I thought you were a little pitchy in the early verses, but you recovered nicely.
Well done.
Yeah, it was all right.
Well, I'm not a big fan of the song choice, but I thought the execution was good.
Just don't get all nasally when you hit those high notes.
- Exactly what I was gonna say.
- Mmm-hmm.
- "Joseph knelt while in his youth.
" - Oh, fuck.
"And prayed to know the good Lord's truth.
"He did the work that he was told.
"His prayers did yield - two plates of gold.
" - Ooh.
I could've used more magic.
Was that Joseph Smith finding the tablets? - Yes! - Oh, see I didn't even get that and it still worked for me.
Ladies.
All right.
Ladies, all right.
How're we doing? You guys good? You guys good? I've seen a lot of you out there taking pictures of yourselves with your newly-found phones.
Takin' selfies.
Or as they're called in prison, cell-fies.
Boo.
Wow.
How many of y'all bitches like eating pussy? Ha-ha-ha! I mean, I don't know.
I thought you were a little bit too Jay Leno or something.
But not in a good way, you know? Yeah, no, I totally agree.
It was terrible.
I'm so thirsty.
What should I do now? Um Oh, yeah, boobs.
Yeah, I have boobs.
Yay, me! Yay! Yeah! It's a little it's a little cheesy but there's something really satisfying about it.
See, for me it's, like, a little hacky.
Um, but didn't you think it was satisfying, like like a little bit? For me? No.
He's not an eggplant, he's retarded! Oh, what a pity to be without testicles.
Ooh! Long live the pussy! Viva la gnocca! Shut your mouth! Get out of here! Ladies, I know you're angry.
And I'm angry, too.
I'm pleading with you to just stop this.
We we can all work together.
Are you gonna perform or not? Yeah, um There There's workers in the mine And they can't get out There's workers in the mine With a job to do 'Cause the moms won't care And it's just not fair Gotta get those workers out of there With a job to do Uh, I I need a phone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said that you could put your uniform on? What I gave it to him.
He said it would be worth it! I just need a little music.
Next time, you need to consult with me first.
- Okay - That was really fucked up.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Whoo! Hey! Oh, my God! - It's too much! - Oh! - It's too much! - That's too much? - Yeah.
- Who else wants it, huh? Winner! We really have our work cut out.
This has been our strongest season yet.
Uh, look, your friend is here.
Ugh! Like a puppy that won't stop following me around.
Von Barlow, you got a sec? All right, commercial break.
What's going on in here? I'm a little busy.
What do you want? Look, I need to be sure that somebody keeps their mouth shut about a certain something that they overheard about somebody else in the bathroom.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's fine.
I gotta go weigh in.
Look, do you hear what I'm telling you? I have information on you, too, you know.
I found the dick pics.
And I know who they belong to.
That thing is veiny.
Well, it was fun.
But he cheated on me so we're totally over.
And I don't care about your friend.
Go live your life.
I gotta go judge.
Not you something else, okay? Bye.
Yo, why that judge look so familiar? 'Cause she's famous.
That's the counterfeit cunt from Connecticut right there.
Oh, yeah.
Is this where you go when you want nothing to do with that shit? Who's in charge out here? She is.
Oh, yeah.
I recognize you from the chapel.
So, you running this resistance thing? I'm not running anything.
Okay? I'm trying to stay out of all that.
Do you guys hear me? You don't wanna follow me.
I am not a leader.
I'm not a good person.
I'm a murderer.
I murdered someone, and I let my friend go down for it.
So you all can do whatever you want, but I just wanna sit here and serve my time.
Well, I only wanna serve my time, too.
I only wanna serve my time, too.
- Me, too.
- Yep, me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
Fuck! Fuck! What do you want now, Nazi? I'm not a Fuck off terrorist.
Whatever.
We all heard the crowd.
We know who they responded to the most.
Yeah, it was Mr.
Chippendales over there.
Now's the time! We asked the fans what they want.
But in the end, it's the judges' decision.
One judge in particular.
Whatever.
Some judges have better taste than others.
Oh, this is bullshit.
I totally get it.
I do.
Thank you! In the end, the winner of Litchfield's Got Talent Litchfield Idol! Just 'cause you got the gun doesn't mean you get to decide everything.
Ugh.
- The winner is Josh.
- What? What the fuck? What the hell happened to talent in talent competition? That's some bullshit! Hey! - The decision is final.
- All right.
The hot guy wins! Aw.
- Hi! - Hi.
Um, what what exactly do I win? Mmm.
Oh, shit.
We forgot about that.
Ooh! You get to pick the loser, who we then get to punish! Well, there's only one loser here.
That's the so-called Warden.
Warden! Let's take him to the Poo! You mean SHU.
- Let's go, Caputo.
- Don't be scared.
Welcome.
Your humble abode, sir.
Ladies And don't even think about trying to escape! Hey, B-12, right? The vitamin? Nah, the SHU.
I recognize your voice.
Vazquez.
I was in B-10 for two weeks.
Oh, yeah.
You had that spider.
Yeah, the fool spider boy had nine legs and still couldn't deliver a kite.
Hey, is it true the ladies took over up there? - Something like that.
- Hmm.
Hey, were you still in the box when they brought a nun in? Maybe you heard her.
She's a talker.
No, uh, I didn't catch her on the way in, but I saw her on the way out.
- Out? - Yeah, she got pneumonia.
Wasn't doing too good.
So, they gave her a CR.
Compassionate Release.
We should all be so lucky.
Oh Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, easy now! Easy! Whoa! Buggy up here.
That's a good idea.
How're they gonna see us? You okay there? Too many steps.
Fuck this, I'm going back.
What about the drop? There ain't no drop.
She was clearly lying to save her skin.
No.
No, that's not right.
- She has 1% riot help! - That's right.
And I'm Sinatra.
Fuck it.
Let's throw her off.
No! No, no, wait! Wait! Jonesy! No, wait a minute! - Jonesy! Yoga - Guys, stop it! No, wait a minute! Jonesy! Yoga, no! No! - Stop! Yoga, no! - Wait a minute! No, stop! Wait, look! Look! Over here! Oh, Lord! I can't breathe! This goddamn flicker vertigo Oh, shit! Help.