Orange Is the New Black s06e12 Episode Script
Double Trouble
1 [cell door slams.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
Come on, already.
Do something.
[sighs.]
[sighs heavily.]
[Alvarez.]
What the hell is this? What happened? Did I miss it? Miss what? Oh, the illegal cage match that you orchestrated between two mortal enemies? Relax.
Nothing happened anyway.
[sighs.]
It's not about outcome, Ginger.
It's about cheating.
Oh.
Yeah? Well, then you should have thought of that before all you guys got together to unload the two biggest duds on me.
You have two seconds to let them out before I have you banned from Fantasy Inmate for life.
[sighs.]
Shame there's no points for unlikely animal friendships, 'cause I'm pretty sure the old bird and the old bat kissed and made up.
I am going to kill that bitch.
My sister thought we made a truce.
[chuckles.]
Dumb cunt.
I'm gonna take out Barb and her whole block.
I would have done it right there, but that guard was all over us the whole time.
Never looked away once, like some perv at a peep show.
You know, I think it's better this way, anyways.
Play it cool, take our time, plan it right.
When Barb's least expecting it, we pounce.
Like a middle-aged mogul on a college intern.
So we're gonna take out our dicks and jerk off on 'em? [chuckles.]
This is not a joke, Badison.
This is War.
[Linda.]
Mmm, I like this piece of dark chocolate.
Definitely a yes.
So, how many COs do you need for this little video of yours anyway? [sighs.]
This little video is a key part of our corporate rebranding.
Oh, I'll want to shoot some of our inmates too.
Sorry, we don't do that anymore.
[chuckles.]
Cute.
I'll, of course, want to audition them first, in case they come off as serial killers.
Actually, you want the serial killers.
Sociopaths tend to be really good actors.
Just give me some of your better inmates in an assortment of colors.
One Benetton ad coming up.
I used to love their sweaters in high school.
Speaking of fashion, the COs will be wearing these.
Seriously, this is how you plan to fix MCC's PR crisis? With branded dickhead caps? MCC does not exist anymore.
We are PolyCon now.
So, you shoot a video, slap on a new name and no one remembers your shoddy workforce started a riot? It's so much more than that.
I've been working on our vertical integration for months.
And thanks to PolyCon's new PQ tracking software, I've already increased our profit margins by 12%.
"PQ"? Prisoner quotient score.
Read your emails, Natalie.
You were supposed to input PQs for all of your inmates weeks ago.
It's a work in progress, minding my p's and q's.
Well, it better be.
Because we're making big changes around here.
I need your entire prison population ranked and on my desk in 36 hours.
How'd I think I could get into business school when all of my accomplishments are full-on felonies? [sighs deeply.]
What? I'm being ridiculous, I know.
I'm being ridiculous.
- Piper.
- What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
What's going on with you? Nothing.
Would you believe me if I said that? No, I would not.
Explain your weirdness.
Badison's trying to steal my date.
At first, I thought that she was all talk, but [whispers.]
this happened.
- Is that - Heroin? Yes.
Okay, that's heroin and that is your hiding spot? I'm going to fucking kill her.
No.
See? This is why I didn't want to tell you.
Because I knew you'd wanna help.
- Piper - I can handle this.
It's under control.
I have a plan.
Better than your current plan of hiding a baggie of heroin under your leg? I'm going to go to a friendly CO.
I'm gonna explain the situation, turn over the drugs and ask for them to put me in Ad Seg for my own protection.
Or you can flush the fucking baggie and be rid of it.
Oh, Badison's a textbook bully.
That's how she stays in power.
Well, it's definitely not her winning personality.
This baggie is the only proof I have of what Badison is doing to me.
And I think she took my toothbrush and shoved it up her ass.
[chuckles.]
Piper, I love you, but you're really bad at plans.
You're gonna show this to some magical CO - and he'll believe you? - [knock at door.]
You're in the wrong cell, Vause.
That's a shot for each of you.
Oh, look, Piper, another friendly CO doing his job.
[indistinct chatter.]
[indistinct murmuring.]
- Is it done? - What? What else? Frieda.
Nah, it didn't work out.
We can't waste time worrying about her right now.
We got bigger fish to fry.
Frieda's not a fish.
She's our white whale.
She could stand to lose a few, but I wouldn't go that far.
You are the poster child for American ignorance.
And you're an old cunt who needs to piss off.
Carol, please, we have to talk.
Preferably someplace not in earshot of Whitey Bulger's love child.
Dang it, woman, you got borscht on the brain? Frieda's yesterday's news.
We're planning a war here.
[clears throat.]
Barb, welcome back.
Sit down, Nicky.
Sit down.
- We got something important to tell you.
- Uh-oh.
[grunts.]
Important either means you're gay, getting divorced, or the dog is dead.
Unless this one's coming out as straight.
I'd recommend a new haircut.
We are going to war with C-Block.
Oh.
Uh, that seems awfully extreme.
Anyone think of trying diplomacy? There have been too many fuckups lately.
Too many.
We've let ourselves get sloppy and weak.
Those Cunt-Blocks need to know who's boss.
And you three gals are my troop leaders on the front lines.
Sure hope nobody's got flat feet.
I have high arches and the reflexes of a feral cat.
That's terrifying.
Can we just focus up here, ladies? I need you three to go out there and recruit me some more soldiers.
Stronger and meaner they are, the better.
Some people think that brains are more important than brawn.
Not after they get their heads staved in with a shovel.
Then they aren't saying shit.
Whatever we can use in a fight, we want it.
And please, don't skip over the new girls.
We gotta give those cookies a chance to earn their stripes.
Ain't that right, Nicky? [chuckles.]
- [Fig.]
There you are.
- [machine beeping.]
Uh my shift doesn't start for another ten minutes.
Follow me.
We need to talk.
We've got a problem, or more accurately, you do.
Whatever's in there isn't mine.
Is now.
They're inmate files and there are six more boxes of them.
Apparently PolyCon wants them entered into this new computer system, so they can generate some kind of master list with everyone's rank on it.
Kind of like high school, except no one goes to Dartmouth when it's done.
How am I supposed to rank them? [chuckles.]
You're just the data entry monkey.
The algorithm does the work.
Calculating good behavior, severity of crime, whether an inmate picks her nose or not.
All relevant bullshit.
[chuckles.]
That's great! I'll send some guys down to grab the rest of the boxes.
Shit, if knew you'd be so excited about data entry, I would've had you do my Christmas cards.
[chuckles.]
[all chanting.]
I said, amen.
D-Block kickball's here.
There must be some Jesus in the atmosphere.
- [Maria.]
Yo! - I said, amen.
- Listen! Can you give it a rest? Please! - D-Block kickball's here - I can't concentrate with the yelling.
- [chanting stops.]
Maybe if you'd let the Lord back into your heart, you'd have an easier time focusing.
Maybe if you shut the fuck up I won't cut your ass off the team.
Let's just say a silent prayer for our sister, Maria.
Yeah, go for it, I'm sure Jesus is real invested in our kickball.
Like he ain't got nothing else to do.
- [ball bursts.]
- [McCullough.]
Oh, Christ! Fuck! [inmates laughing.]
[Maria.]
Huh.
All right, inmates.
That's it, practice is done for today.
- We just got here.
- Can't you get another ball? You heard me.
Everyone back to your blocks.
- [inmate 1.]
That's not fair.
- [inmate 2.]
It's our time to be outside.
- Settle down.
Everyone settle down.
- [all clamoring.]
Everyone settle down! This is our time to be exercising outside.
Everyone on the ground now! That's some bullshit.
We didn't do nothing.
Shut the fuck up! All of you, shut your fucking mouths! Hey, hey.
Shit, McCullough.
Somebody needs to take a chillaxative.
We should talk later.
Maybe I can help you with some of that excess energy.
Let's go, inmates! Back to your cages.
Now! [inmate mumbling.]
What's that, inmate? [breathing heavily.]
[indistinct chatter.]
For those of you who are interested, tryouts for the corporate video are starting now in the multipurpose room.
Sorry.
I'm not cutting I'm not gonna go in.
Hey, hey, can I talk to you for a sec? Relax, Chapman, I'm sure you're gonna make the cut.
They're short on white girls.
Great job, Arwin.
Thank you! You too! [quietly.]
It's not about the video.
It's Badison.
She keeps doing things to me to try to give me extra time.
I know the only reason I can come to you is because people like me get a pass from authorities, which is on the one hand horrifying, but on the other maybe will work in my favor.
At least I hope it does because [whispers.]
I need you to transfer me to Ad Seg so Badison can't steal my date.
If I were you, I'd stop living in fear and start running towards the problem.
Spend more time with Badison.
Really get to know her.
Maybe she's not as bad as you think.
It's like Dr.
Phil says, "Enemies are friends you just haven't hugged yet.
" [knocks at door.]
What do you think you're doing? My pedicure place was all booked, so I'm talking about you stealing Piper's date.
[chuckles.]
You think I want that bitch in here longer? You know she makes chewing sounds in her sleep? I guess you do know that.
Maybe you like that.
Oh, shut up, Badison.
I'm not fucking around.
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Chapman must have a USDA prime-cut puss at the rate you're willing to step in front of bullets for her.
Look at you trying to My Fair Lady yourself for her with higher education.
It beats a lifetime career as a second-rate thug.
"Second-rate"? Tell that to the girls I got sitting in the SHU right now.
Or the two I got transferred to that piss-hole down in Kentucky.
And last year, there was this chick I don't care about your résumé.
I am asking you, as a human being, to leave Piper alone.
Problem is, your girlfriend mouthed off to me in front of my crew.
And if I let her get away with it, the whole system starts to fall apart.
Like District 12 in Hunger Games.
I get it.
You have to reestablish dominance.
Maybe there's some other lesson you can glean from a Jennifer Lawrence film that doesn't involve Piper getting extra time.
Yeah, I could.
Yeah, but [chuckles.]
I don't like her.
However, I might be willing to call off Piper's very unfortunate incident report if you agree to start working for me.
[sighs.]
That's never gonna happen.
What's the matter? You don't wanna work for the big boss? Oh, please.
Carol's the big boss.
You're a fucking child.
Well, I guess you two will have a few more years to lez it up together in Château Max.
Which, in a way, is like I'm doing you a favor.
If I learned anything from Katniss and Peeta, that long-distance relationship shit sucks.
Watch another movie, Badison.
PolyCon doesn't care about people.
[grunts.]
Sorry, my bad.
Give me a sec.
PolyCon doesn't just care about people.
People are their bottom line.
[chuckles.]
"Bottom.
" [chuckles.]
With a world-class staff and over 100 educational programs I'm sorry, are they calling the book cart I push around 100 educational programs? 'Cause I haven't seen shit.
Before serving time, I thought I didn't have a future.
Now I know when I get out Oh.
Who am I kidding? I know I have no future.
I barely have a present.
Now I know when I get out, I'm staying out.
"PolyCon is reducing reshitavision"? [Linda.]
Recidivism.
Reshitavism.
If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then you have to stop accepting crap and do something more! - Can you stay on script, please? - [Suzanne.]
Oh.
That was Grey's Anatomy.
Cristina Yang says it to Meredith.
Well, can you stay on my script? Thanks, PolyCon! Thanks, PolyCon.
Uh, you wanna try smiling when you do that? Nope.
I don't need to see anybody else.
You got the part.
- For real? - No.
Get out of here and stop wasting our time.
[exclaims.]
I need a coffee.
Or four.
[grunts.]
God, I'm ready to eeny-meeny-miny-moe this shit whenever you are, so [blows raspberry.]
Jesus, I ain't ever seen nobody spend so much time in their room since my brother got pubes.
You better stay out there or the guards'll be up our asses.
The COs leave me and my friends alone.
You see? You in the right block now.
But just so you know, there's a war that's about to go down.
I thought you might want in, 'cause you got all that beef with C-Block.
What are you talking about? D-Block versus C.
Kickball.
Barb's got everyone gearing up.
Those pills must be really messing with your head if you think that I want to fight in a fucking gang war.
[shushing.]
Calm down.
Calm down.
I'll just tell her to leave you out.
No.
Tell her to stop.
Tell somebody.
Daya people could get killed out there.
- That's kind of the point.
- Oh.
So now you're this big gangbanger, huh? No, only when I need to be.
How did that work out for you last time, Scarface? Things are different for me in here.
You think I don't see you chasing after that Daddy chick like a lost little puppy dog? You need to wake up, Daya, okay? Before you get hurt.
Mmm-hmm.
Yo, you wanna sit this one out? That's on you.
But if you tell anybody about this, I won't be able to protect you.
This isn't camp, mami.
In here, I take care of you.
Uh, Sylvia Good morning.
Hey, wait up.
Mr.
Caputo.
If we'd known you'd be in town, we wouldn't have prerecorded your testimony.
I'm sorry.
I thought I was moving, but it didn't work out.
I'm not sure the live show would've gone any better.
You did what you could.
So, um, how is it looking for her? Based on the information you gave us, we were able to hire another medical examiner and her report contradicts the prosecutor's.
That's promising.
What does that mean for Taystee? Hard to say.
Jurors usually glaze over when presented with medical reports.
But if you had to give me the odds? [chuckles softly.]
It doesn't work like that.
For Christ's sake, I'm asking for a ballpark here.
The kid's life is on the line.
[sighs.]
I'm very sorry.
I'm a little emotional.
Uh - Honestly, I'd say 50-50.
- Shit.
No, that's good.
Coin-toss odds are good.
But there's a lot riding on her testimony tomorrow.
If Taystee can make the jurors feel compassion for her, then we may have a shot at winning this thing.
If she doesn't? Let's hope she does.
Do you mind? Please.
Sorry.
[exhales.]
Fuck those bitches for making McCullough lose her shit like that.
What they did to you in the riot was bad enough.
You can't let 'em fuck up the rest of your life too.
What happened? McCullough freaked out on the yard.
Riot PTSD.
Far as I'm concerned, all those twats should get the chair.
New York does not have the death penalty.
Yeah, but this is federal.
- Still extremely rare.
- That's a real goddamn shame, then.
Especially 'cause the one who organized the thing, Jefferson, her trial started.
Any word how it's going? Yeah, that one's a friend of yours.
Was.
Back in the day.
[Dixon.]
They want to give Jefferson a fair trial, they should stand her up there naked, shove a baton up her ass, and then lock her in a tiny room that smells like shit.
I think we already do that last part, bro.
Whatever.
The baton should go up her ass.
Shit, Dixon.
Ever hear of the high road? Just paying 'em back for what they did to us.
Fuck the high road.
Whose side are you on, anyways? Ours or your little BFF? Yeah, I told you, Jefferson and I aren't friends anymore.
But she's still a person.
No, she ain't.
And the second you start seeing those animals like that, you're fucked.
True.
But there are some good ones here and there.
Well, this Jefferson bitch sure as fuck ain't one of 'em.
Her ass is gonna fry.
And me and you will have front row seats.
I swear, Dixon, we're gonna be so close, we'll be able to smell her back fat sizzle like bacon.
[sighs.]
[grunts.]
[sniffles.]
[sniffing.]
Hello? Is someone in here? [grunts.]
Wheatly, if that's you smoking again, you know you owe me ten bucks.
- What the fuck? - Shit.
My, God! Fuck! Sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Heard they shook you out there.
No.
That was on me, not them.
Doesn't seem like you forgive and forget so easy.
- [toilet flushes.]
- [door opens.]
Forget? [scoffs.]
I wake up in sweat puddles from nightmares every night.
I jump if I hear a loud noise.
[sighs.]
And I will never fucking forgive them.
I mean, shit, if I'd had a gun on me in that yard, I would have mowed them down without thinking twice about it.
[grunts.]
But those girls were just excited about playing kickball.
They are horrible people who have hurt me, and they're regular people who just want to play a game.
Or get through the day.
Or feel human.
And I just get so messed up when I can only see the horrible, which is pretty much all the time.
But I don't know how to exist in the world with so much hate inside me.
Thanks.
[sighs.]
Hey.
Brought you some snacks from the vending machine.
Wasn't sure if you liked sweet or salty, so I got you one of each.
I ain't hungry.
I heard they hired a new medical examiner.
That should be good for your case, right? I guess.
Taystee, I know what you're going through is rough.
But even if you're not feelin' it, you gotta turn it on now.
Hey, you gotta let them meet the smart, funny, caring, full-of-life Taystee.
The Taystee who deserves to be free.
The Taystee that makes up spontaneous rap songs about badminton.
It was croquet because it rhymes with Kanye.
See that? That's what I'm talking about.
How am I supposed to get a bunch of strangers to care about me when my own friend don't give a damn? Don't nobody give a damn about me.
Jesus.
I quit my job over you.
All those people in the gallery every day they care what happens to you too.
[sniffling.]
I bet you even Cindy does.
Who knows what went on behind the scenes with her? [Taystee exhales heavily.]
You think this is what Poussey would have wanted? That's right.
I said her name.
I should have said her name.
Taystee, you still got a chance.
What you say on that stand tomorrow matters a lot.
So you gotta get in there and you gotta fight like hell for yourself, just like you did during the riot.
Who knows? Maybe that jury will surprise you.
But they're not gonna get the chance if you've already given up.
Tell me you haven't given up.
[crying.]
- [inmate.]
What the fuck? - Time's up.
Yo, Hell-man wanna earn a quick three-hundy? I can only fit eight grams in one burrito.
If I start bringing in two burritos, it'll look suspicious on account of I'm not a fat-ass.
This ain't about drugs.
I need you to dirty up Chapman's record.
How dirty we talking? Mmm.
Maybe you catch her making brass knuckles out of an old Preparation H tube? Or find a dime bag of weed in her cooch? Dealer's choice.
So long as she gets, uh, another, say, two, three years.
I'll take your money, but, uh, I also want something else.
[chuckling.]
It's been a while since I choked on a chubby, but it's like riding a bike, no? Yeah, a fat, leaking, flesh-bike that rams into your tonsils.
- It's all coming back to me now.
- Not you.
Ugh.
I want Mulan and Jasmine over there.
Someone's got a thing for Pan-Asian Disney princesses.
The year I turned 13, my little sister used to watch that shit on a loop.
Interesting.
Answer me this.
Do you go one on each side or is it more of an alternating suck? That's my business.
We got a deal or what? I think I can arrange your little feast from the East.
But, so you know, Teng is a competitive swimmer and Chambal's from northern Maine.
So, you got more of an Ariel-Elsa situation, if you ask me.
You want your incident report, go get me my Oriental combo.
Fine, but if I make this happen, price goes down to two-hundy.
Listen to you, bargaining like an Arab at a flea market.
Let's see you make it happen.
Then I might be in a better mood to negotiate.
[Ward.]
So this is where you've been all day.
Yeah, doing Fig's job for her.
New company directive.
We turn all our inmate files into scores.
- Sounds about right.
- [chuckles.]
Hey, I was wondering if I could get a personal day tomorrow.
What for? [sighs.]
It's personal.
Yeah.
You get your shift covered, the day's all yours.
Good.
[sighs.]
Thanks.
Sure must take a lot out of you, turning people into numbers.
[grunts.]
You know, once you get in the flow, it's actually kind of relaxing.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
[Luschek grunting.]
Warm-ups.
Hey, you came back.
I can't stay.
I need to talk to you about something important.
Me too.
Is cumbia a type of music or a person? This is serious.
Hola, amiga.
Thought Badison told you not to show your face around here.
Hey, shut up.
This class is open to everyone.
All right, uh, what's up? Talk to you later.
Just 'cause you moved blocks don't mean we forgot you, Mendoza.
Yeah, now we double-hate you, D-Bitch.
Hey! Hey that was not cool, ladies.
Dance in the back of the class today and think about your behavior.
[both scoff.]
What's the square root of 4,096? Sixty four.
But thanks to PolyCon GED program, my options are infinite.
I sure hope I pass.
I don't want normal and easy and simple.
I want I want I want painful difficult devastating Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
[grunts.]
That is Olivia Pope from Scandal.
I am trying to help here.
Okay, let's just do it again.
I thought being in this video would be less boring than sitting in my cell all day, but I can admit when I'm wrong.
Can I leave? If I have to be here, you have to be here.
Maybe if someone didn't keep fucking up No.
No, no.
Um, I am playing the moment.
Okay, people.
Hello.
Okay.
You need to stick to the script.
You, lose the sourpuss.
And when you say your line, I need you to look up to the sky and put your hands together in prayer.
Okay? [scoffs.]
Not happening.
You and God have a break-up? None of your fucking business.
Um I'll do it.
Or if you want, I can give it more of a, uh, Jewish vibe.
Or Hindu.
You know, Buddhists just mostly sit, but I do have a believable satanist.
Why don't you say the lines as written, okay, Meryl Streep? Let's get through this fucking thing already, please.
You always so angry? Fuck off.
It wasn't an insult.
Rage can be very useful.
You wanna be useful? What are you talking about? D-Block's gearing up for battle, so if you want in - [Linda.]
Why aren't we rolling? - [woman.]
I'm changing the battery.
Daddy says now's your big chance.
- [woman.]
All set.
- [Linda.]
Thank you.
And action.
What's the square root of 4,096? - Sixty-four.
- Sixty-four.
Ah, dang it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
[printer whirring.]
Hey, you got my list? Yep.
Hot off the presses.
It was a pain in the ass, but they're all here, ranked in order from one to 635.
- Excellent.
- What's all this for anyhow? Some new PolyCon directive that has us replacing all the short-sentenced, well-behaved inmates with more violent long-termers who'll give us more bang for the buck.
So corporate gets rich and we get stuck with the worst of the worst, huh? Basically, yeah.
Oh, and the top 25 on the list get released on Friday, so you'd better get going on that outtake prep.
Dinner's on me if you have to stay late.
See, silver lining.
Just keep it under 12 bucks.
[sighs.]
[Red.]
Fucking Carol.
She has the attention span of a gnat.
Wooing me with her card games and her deep-conditioning hooch.
- And then one tiny setback - [sighs.]
That last nose-break fixed my snoring.
Have you noticed? You should be able to sleep like a baby now.
How can I sleep knowing Frieda's in Florida living the life of Riley while I'm stuck in this cesspool, missing all the good years with my grandchildren? I find that the trick is to let go of your anger - and focus on what you have.
- [scoffs.]
I lost my sense of smell, but I still have my smemories.
Like Pop-Pop's tater tot pie.
Smells are not children.
My sniffer's never coming back.
Your grandkids can still visit.
I've been begging my son for months.
Those babies were my one chance to get it right.
They only love you when they're little, you know.
And Frieda, she's taken all that away from me.
Ten more years.
[sniffles.]
And she got Carol 30.
Yeah, which is three times worse.
And look how well Carol managed to let it go.
I should have known someone so petty couldn't be trusted.
No, if I want Frieda dead I'll have to do it myself.
Or you could choose to be happy.
Isn't it impossible to get into Florida anyway? Bin Laden was squirreled away in a Pakistani compound for ten years, but they eventually got to him, didn't they? Good on Obama for that one.
The key is to stay vigilant and keep focused.
Something Carol knows nothing about.
One minute she's with me, and the next she's only into her stupid gang war.
I really hope I'm out of here before that starts.
Oh, my poor girl.
You don't know, do you? Know what? You're not getting out early.
That was Carol having her fun with you.
That fucking bitch.
Not so easy to let it go, is it? [indistinct chatter.]
Hey, there's the famous radio DJ.
How you doing, FYI Flava Flav? It's actually DIY Fly Flaca, but pretty good, I guess.
You know, I'm a big fan of the show.
I never miss it.
- [Flaca.]
Mmm.
- Um Does Luschek still, uh, oversee that for you? If by "oversee," you mean sleeps in a chair nearby, then yeah.
You ever think about having guests on your show to mix things up a bit? [sighs.]
Right now, I don't even have a cohost.
They're keeping Cindy overnight for Taystee's trial.
But even when she is here, she's all, "Wah, my guilt this, ow, my back that.
" [scoffs.]
Must be a Jewish thing.
You know what? If you want, I could cohost with you until she gets back.
I'm very entertaining.
You are? Yeah, okay.
Check this out.
What did the snail say on the back of the turtle? Whee! [chuckles.]
Oh, you get it? 'Cause We do more of a casual banter thing.
You think you could do that? You kidding me? I could banter like I invented it.
Sorry, I've got the girls double-booked.
That's okay.
[sighs.]
'80s bangs aren't really my thing.
Bonnie, Gail, give us a few minutes.
[Alex clears throat.]
You got a lot of nerve, interrupting my beauty hour.
You need to get Badison under control.
Since when did you start telling me what to do? Since your minion became hell-bent on stealing Piper's date.
[scoffs.]
So Badison's a shit-stirrer.
She's like the fucking handheld blender of shit-stirring.
Girl goes rogue every now and again, but at the end of the day, she does what I need her to.
Like bringing in those phones? Because that was actually my idea.
The connection to Luschek? Mine.
She never mentioned it.
Of course she didn't.
Badison's so desperate to be your top dog, she'll never give someone else credit.
You're a very smart woman, Carol.
I honestly don't know why you keep her around.
Maybe because she's so desperate to stay my top dog.
And she's got her moves.
Please! I had better moves in the eighth grade.
By the time I was 21, I was moving 50 kilos of black tar through three continents.
You still got connections? That depends.
You gonna keep Badison from giving Piper more time? [chuckles.]
You must really love this girl.
Yeah, I do.
[chuckles softly.]
I do this for you it means you're working for me now.
Then I guess we have a deal.
[indistinct chatter.]
Hey, excuse me.
You're head of the guards, right? That's me.
So if drugs are coming into the prison, you're responsible? What do you mean? I mean that drugs are coming into the prison, and I'm here, as a good citizen to turn them in.
Normally, I have no interest in any of this, but these drugs are being planted on me by my sociopathic cellmate, who is determined to see me in here till eternity.
Any idea where she got them? No but girls talk.
Especially to me.
They just open up.
So, if you agree to protect me, I'd be more than happy to sniff around, find out exactly who's bringing in what.
Appreciate the help.
Likewise.
Ms.
Jefferson, you were sentenced to Litchfield camp on a low-level, non-violent drug offense.
Is that correct? - Yes, ma'am.
- [mic feedback.]
- [jurors exclaim.]
- [Taystee clears throat.]
Sorry.
Uh, yes, I was.
And were you guilty of that crime? Yes.
That is why I pled guilty instead of going to trial.
[door opens.]
Could you tell the members of the jury how that drug charge came about? [Taystee.]
Well [sighs.]
Um, when I aged out of group home, I didn't have nowhere else Excuse me anywhere else to live.
So, I stayed with a lady dealer, who gave me a bed in exchange for me handling her account books.
Um, that's because I'm good at math.
How many years did you live in a group home? Pretty much my entire life.
Or at least for as long as I can remember.
[lawyer.]
And what was that like for you? Objection.
I don't see how Ms.
Jefferson's childhood is relevant.
I'm getting there.
I'll allow it.
I was asking, what was the group home environment like for you? Loud.
I mean, when you get eight or nine kids in a house, it's a lot of fighting.
So, I was usually the one breaking it up.
You know, the peacemaker.
Or the referee.
So your role as lead negotiator in the riot, that was a familiar one for you? Yes.
Yes, it was.
Ms.
Jefferson, why would you take on this leadership role in the riot when you could have very easily chosen not to participate? [sighs.]
Well, I had a best friend once.
And the entire time I knew her, she never let me down.
Uh, and then she was killed by a guard, uh, when she didn't even do nothing.
[sighs.]
Anything.
Uh, and even then, I never lost hope because when she was alive, my friend, Poussey, [chuckles.]
she never did, even when life was rough.
So I chose to participate in the riot because I wanted justice for her death.
So your best friend was killed by a guard and yet you weren't seeking revenge? No.
I never wanted anybody else to die.
All I wanted was for the person who killed my friend to be up here where I am now, telling you why he murdered Why he murdered an innocent person, instead of me, explaining why I didn't kill a guilty one.
Scram, losers.
Hey, Carol.
Sure you want to frizz up your new 'do with all this humidity? What the fuck is wrong with you? Chasing after Chapman on the playground when we're gearing up for war? Ever heard of multitasking? Seems to me you can't even do the one fucking job I gave you.
Vause told me the phones were her idea and using Luschek as our pipeline.
[chuckles.]
Ideas are like assholes.
We all got 'em and most of 'em stink.
Doesn't matter who thought of what.
I'm the one on the ground running this thing.
Not anymore, you're not.
You're cutting me loose? In the middle of a freakin' war? No.
It's never a good idea to change horses midstream.
That's why I'm pairing you up with Vause.
Double the flavor, double the fun.
[chuckles.]
No, forget it.
I ain't working with her.
Keep mouthing off and you'll be working for her.
And if I catch you trying to steal Chapman's date, or messing with her in any way you can bet your pasty white ass there'll be consequences.
[Linda.]
Hurry, we have two more scenes to go.
[Flaca.]
Um - Hey, Luschek.
- [Luschek.]
Hey.
- [Gloria.]
Where you going? - Um Are you wearing mascara? It's manscara.
It turns out I'm the, uh, diversity hire for the video.
Don't worry, Alvarez'll take good care of you.
Hello, let's keep it moving.
We're already way behind schedule.
Come on.
Listen, I got to talk to you.
Just write me a note.
Stupid video.
[scoffs.]
Can you believe they didn't ask me to be in it? Maybe they thought I'd be too distracting.
Yeah, like, "Who's that hot girl in that lame video?" [sighs.]
I could use some help over here.
[Flaca.]
I'll do it.
[Gloria.]
Um, you want to help us? Get us some water.
[chuckles.]
I can't leave you unsupervised.
How are we supposed to talk for two straight hours if our throats get dry? Fine.
I'll be back in a second.
But technically, it's a minute-four, round trip, plus the time it takes to fill the water.
Um excuse me.
- Where are you going? - Yeah, I'll be right there.
[vocalizing.]
[sputtering.]
[continues vocalizing.]
Let's go, Reznikov.
You're late for visitation.
I'm not expecting anyone.
There's a couple of screaming babies in there and their parents just gave me your name.
I can't believe it.
He brought my grandchildren.
See, what'd I tell you? The universe delivers a bounty as soon as you let things go.
The universe doesn't give a fuck about any of you.
Look where you live.
Even you can't ruin this for me.
- The day is still young.
- Eh.
Hey, guys, I'm calling off the whole Hellman thing.
That's an ixnay on the BJ.
Got it? Tell that to my dick breath.
Aftertaste's even worse.
How did you blow him already? It's not even noon.
Oh.
I used to be a big procrastinator.
Then I read this book, Eat the Frog.
You read a book about sucking dick? It's about procrastination.
Says if you do your worst task first, rest of the day's easy in comparison.
Shit.
You didn't see where Hellman went, did you? Nope, but I saw where he came.
- [Badison sighs.]
- Yeah, you owe me some mouthwash, bitch.
[Hellman.]
Hey, boss, got a new incident report, but all the file boxes are messed up.
What should I do with it? Just give it to me.
[baby crying.]
Baba is coming.
You wanna talk to her? Wanna talk to Baba? You never met your grandkids before? The baby is still little and Kolya's only three.
Or is it four? I've lost track.
My God, I don't even know what he likes.
Probably trucks and trains, if he's anything like his father.
I wonder if he even speaks Russian.
Will he know to call me "Baba"? Oh, who cares.
Let him call me "Grandma" if he wants.
All right, inmates, you're up.
What the hell, lady? - Look me in the eye, coward.
- [gasping.]
Back off.
Out of the way.
Out of the way! - You were my friend.
How could you? - [grunts.]
[Danilo.]
Reznikov! You're off to the SHU.
You ruined things all on your own.
I trusted you, Frieda! And you threw me to the wolves like a bag of old meat.
And for what? Better TV and some extra pudding cups? - [baby continues crying.]
- Any minute.
She's coming.
[boy whining.]
[clears throat.]
I came here today because, um, I thought that I could trust a guard.
But these COs, they don't give a shit about protecting any of us.
The truth is that they want us to fight because they're playing some sick game with us where they score points for everything that we do.
Like the time that you had a fight with your bunkie, or the one time, right, that you may have puked in the sink.
These fuckers These fuckers score points from that.
And we're too busy trying to kill each other to even notice.
I mean, fuck, mamas, what are we doing to ourselves? - [pounding on door.]
- No, wait.
[Alvarez.]
Goddamn, open this door right now.
No.
We're destroying ourselves while they cheer us on from the sidelines.
Listen, I'm not saying that we gotta be best friends or nothing like that, but, you know, for once, can't we just stop this shit with the blue versus khaki, and just I don't know, man, be be on the same side for once? That was dope.
Seriously.
I'm gonna let him in and then you gotta say all that shit on the air.
Wait.
What do you mean? Well, the guard has to come in and use their key to turn that switch.
But that was a great warm-up.
[exhales.]
What's going on in here? Honestly, uh, I have no idea.
She's telling the truth.
She don't know nothing.
I was the one that closed the door.
Go back to your cell, inmate.
Look.
Look what I found.
Your scoresheets.
You sick fuck.
You know what? Everyone is gonna find out what you're doing.
Well, they won't be hearing it from you because you are going to the SHU.
[indistinct chatter.]
I fixed it.
What do you mean? You know how you said going to a CO wouldn't work? Well, the trick was going above their heads to the big boss, Hopper.
I explained the situation to him and I promised him that I would give him intel on inter-prison goings-on, and it worked.
I just walked through the common area and Badison walked around me.
[chuckles.]
- I think she even kind of smiled.
- Mmm.
That's creepy.
It's good, but it's creepy.
Now we can spend the rest of our time in here without living in fear.
Nice job.
I'm glad it all worked out.
I love you so much.
I love you too, Pipes.
Now what about that grad school app? Because I was thinking, the trick is to put the right spin on it.
Like, instead of saying "former drug dealer," we could say that you were VP of sales and distribution for Kubra Industries Worldwide.
Very doublespeak creative.
I like it.
But, alas, you are too late.
I already sent it in.
You ate the frog.
Didn't I tell you that was a good book? Oh, you ate the application frog! You better be careful or we'll get shots again.
You like it? Oh, yeah.
She's She's a beauty.
Good.
Kickball game's in two days.
You need to make enough of these for all the girls.
Vause get one too? Let her handle the business front.
I only give weapons to my warriors.
[indistinct chatter.]
[Daddy clears throat.]
But thanks to PolyCon GED program, my options are infinite.
The state of Connecticut is going to eat it up.
They love seeing black people learning in prison.
It makes them feel like they're helping, but also that they're safe.
[knock at door.]
Excuse me.
You give those early release files to the parole board yet? No, I haven't had time to review them.
Good.
Uh, I gotta make an update.
Well, you better hurry up because it's due in 14 minutes.
Take your time.
We're gonna be here a while.
Watch this one.
This is like that Michelle Pfeiffer movie where she's the teacher.
[sighs.]
[rock song playing.]
[printer whirring.]
Freedom, freedom 'Freedom Freedom, freedom Freedom Freedom, freedom
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
Come on, already.
Do something.
[sighs.]
[sighs heavily.]
[Alvarez.]
What the hell is this? What happened? Did I miss it? Miss what? Oh, the illegal cage match that you orchestrated between two mortal enemies? Relax.
Nothing happened anyway.
[sighs.]
It's not about outcome, Ginger.
It's about cheating.
Oh.
Yeah? Well, then you should have thought of that before all you guys got together to unload the two biggest duds on me.
You have two seconds to let them out before I have you banned from Fantasy Inmate for life.
[sighs.]
Shame there's no points for unlikely animal friendships, 'cause I'm pretty sure the old bird and the old bat kissed and made up.
I am going to kill that bitch.
My sister thought we made a truce.
[chuckles.]
Dumb cunt.
I'm gonna take out Barb and her whole block.
I would have done it right there, but that guard was all over us the whole time.
Never looked away once, like some perv at a peep show.
You know, I think it's better this way, anyways.
Play it cool, take our time, plan it right.
When Barb's least expecting it, we pounce.
Like a middle-aged mogul on a college intern.
So we're gonna take out our dicks and jerk off on 'em? [chuckles.]
This is not a joke, Badison.
This is War.
[Linda.]
Mmm, I like this piece of dark chocolate.
Definitely a yes.
So, how many COs do you need for this little video of yours anyway? [sighs.]
This little video is a key part of our corporate rebranding.
Oh, I'll want to shoot some of our inmates too.
Sorry, we don't do that anymore.
[chuckles.]
Cute.
I'll, of course, want to audition them first, in case they come off as serial killers.
Actually, you want the serial killers.
Sociopaths tend to be really good actors.
Just give me some of your better inmates in an assortment of colors.
One Benetton ad coming up.
I used to love their sweaters in high school.
Speaking of fashion, the COs will be wearing these.
Seriously, this is how you plan to fix MCC's PR crisis? With branded dickhead caps? MCC does not exist anymore.
We are PolyCon now.
So, you shoot a video, slap on a new name and no one remembers your shoddy workforce started a riot? It's so much more than that.
I've been working on our vertical integration for months.
And thanks to PolyCon's new PQ tracking software, I've already increased our profit margins by 12%.
"PQ"? Prisoner quotient score.
Read your emails, Natalie.
You were supposed to input PQs for all of your inmates weeks ago.
It's a work in progress, minding my p's and q's.
Well, it better be.
Because we're making big changes around here.
I need your entire prison population ranked and on my desk in 36 hours.
How'd I think I could get into business school when all of my accomplishments are full-on felonies? [sighs deeply.]
What? I'm being ridiculous, I know.
I'm being ridiculous.
- Piper.
- What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
What's going on with you? Nothing.
Would you believe me if I said that? No, I would not.
Explain your weirdness.
Badison's trying to steal my date.
At first, I thought that she was all talk, but [whispers.]
this happened.
- Is that - Heroin? Yes.
Okay, that's heroin and that is your hiding spot? I'm going to fucking kill her.
No.
See? This is why I didn't want to tell you.
Because I knew you'd wanna help.
- Piper - I can handle this.
It's under control.
I have a plan.
Better than your current plan of hiding a baggie of heroin under your leg? I'm going to go to a friendly CO.
I'm gonna explain the situation, turn over the drugs and ask for them to put me in Ad Seg for my own protection.
Or you can flush the fucking baggie and be rid of it.
Oh, Badison's a textbook bully.
That's how she stays in power.
Well, it's definitely not her winning personality.
This baggie is the only proof I have of what Badison is doing to me.
And I think she took my toothbrush and shoved it up her ass.
[chuckles.]
Piper, I love you, but you're really bad at plans.
You're gonna show this to some magical CO - and he'll believe you? - [knock at door.]
You're in the wrong cell, Vause.
That's a shot for each of you.
Oh, look, Piper, another friendly CO doing his job.
[indistinct chatter.]
[indistinct murmuring.]
- Is it done? - What? What else? Frieda.
Nah, it didn't work out.
We can't waste time worrying about her right now.
We got bigger fish to fry.
Frieda's not a fish.
She's our white whale.
She could stand to lose a few, but I wouldn't go that far.
You are the poster child for American ignorance.
And you're an old cunt who needs to piss off.
Carol, please, we have to talk.
Preferably someplace not in earshot of Whitey Bulger's love child.
Dang it, woman, you got borscht on the brain? Frieda's yesterday's news.
We're planning a war here.
[clears throat.]
Barb, welcome back.
Sit down, Nicky.
Sit down.
- We got something important to tell you.
- Uh-oh.
[grunts.]
Important either means you're gay, getting divorced, or the dog is dead.
Unless this one's coming out as straight.
I'd recommend a new haircut.
We are going to war with C-Block.
Oh.
Uh, that seems awfully extreme.
Anyone think of trying diplomacy? There have been too many fuckups lately.
Too many.
We've let ourselves get sloppy and weak.
Those Cunt-Blocks need to know who's boss.
And you three gals are my troop leaders on the front lines.
Sure hope nobody's got flat feet.
I have high arches and the reflexes of a feral cat.
That's terrifying.
Can we just focus up here, ladies? I need you three to go out there and recruit me some more soldiers.
Stronger and meaner they are, the better.
Some people think that brains are more important than brawn.
Not after they get their heads staved in with a shovel.
Then they aren't saying shit.
Whatever we can use in a fight, we want it.
And please, don't skip over the new girls.
We gotta give those cookies a chance to earn their stripes.
Ain't that right, Nicky? [chuckles.]
- [Fig.]
There you are.
- [machine beeping.]
Uh my shift doesn't start for another ten minutes.
Follow me.
We need to talk.
We've got a problem, or more accurately, you do.
Whatever's in there isn't mine.
Is now.
They're inmate files and there are six more boxes of them.
Apparently PolyCon wants them entered into this new computer system, so they can generate some kind of master list with everyone's rank on it.
Kind of like high school, except no one goes to Dartmouth when it's done.
How am I supposed to rank them? [chuckles.]
You're just the data entry monkey.
The algorithm does the work.
Calculating good behavior, severity of crime, whether an inmate picks her nose or not.
All relevant bullshit.
[chuckles.]
That's great! I'll send some guys down to grab the rest of the boxes.
Shit, if knew you'd be so excited about data entry, I would've had you do my Christmas cards.
[chuckles.]
[all chanting.]
I said, amen.
D-Block kickball's here.
There must be some Jesus in the atmosphere.
- [Maria.]
Yo! - I said, amen.
- Listen! Can you give it a rest? Please! - D-Block kickball's here - I can't concentrate with the yelling.
- [chanting stops.]
Maybe if you'd let the Lord back into your heart, you'd have an easier time focusing.
Maybe if you shut the fuck up I won't cut your ass off the team.
Let's just say a silent prayer for our sister, Maria.
Yeah, go for it, I'm sure Jesus is real invested in our kickball.
Like he ain't got nothing else to do.
- [ball bursts.]
- [McCullough.]
Oh, Christ! Fuck! [inmates laughing.]
[Maria.]
Huh.
All right, inmates.
That's it, practice is done for today.
- We just got here.
- Can't you get another ball? You heard me.
Everyone back to your blocks.
- [inmate 1.]
That's not fair.
- [inmate 2.]
It's our time to be outside.
- Settle down.
Everyone settle down.
- [all clamoring.]
Everyone settle down! This is our time to be exercising outside.
Everyone on the ground now! That's some bullshit.
We didn't do nothing.
Shut the fuck up! All of you, shut your fucking mouths! Hey, hey.
Shit, McCullough.
Somebody needs to take a chillaxative.
We should talk later.
Maybe I can help you with some of that excess energy.
Let's go, inmates! Back to your cages.
Now! [inmate mumbling.]
What's that, inmate? [breathing heavily.]
[indistinct chatter.]
For those of you who are interested, tryouts for the corporate video are starting now in the multipurpose room.
Sorry.
I'm not cutting I'm not gonna go in.
Hey, hey, can I talk to you for a sec? Relax, Chapman, I'm sure you're gonna make the cut.
They're short on white girls.
Great job, Arwin.
Thank you! You too! [quietly.]
It's not about the video.
It's Badison.
She keeps doing things to me to try to give me extra time.
I know the only reason I can come to you is because people like me get a pass from authorities, which is on the one hand horrifying, but on the other maybe will work in my favor.
At least I hope it does because [whispers.]
I need you to transfer me to Ad Seg so Badison can't steal my date.
If I were you, I'd stop living in fear and start running towards the problem.
Spend more time with Badison.
Really get to know her.
Maybe she's not as bad as you think.
It's like Dr.
Phil says, "Enemies are friends you just haven't hugged yet.
" [knocks at door.]
What do you think you're doing? My pedicure place was all booked, so I'm talking about you stealing Piper's date.
[chuckles.]
You think I want that bitch in here longer? You know she makes chewing sounds in her sleep? I guess you do know that.
Maybe you like that.
Oh, shut up, Badison.
I'm not fucking around.
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Chapman must have a USDA prime-cut puss at the rate you're willing to step in front of bullets for her.
Look at you trying to My Fair Lady yourself for her with higher education.
It beats a lifetime career as a second-rate thug.
"Second-rate"? Tell that to the girls I got sitting in the SHU right now.
Or the two I got transferred to that piss-hole down in Kentucky.
And last year, there was this chick I don't care about your résumé.
I am asking you, as a human being, to leave Piper alone.
Problem is, your girlfriend mouthed off to me in front of my crew.
And if I let her get away with it, the whole system starts to fall apart.
Like District 12 in Hunger Games.
I get it.
You have to reestablish dominance.
Maybe there's some other lesson you can glean from a Jennifer Lawrence film that doesn't involve Piper getting extra time.
Yeah, I could.
Yeah, but [chuckles.]
I don't like her.
However, I might be willing to call off Piper's very unfortunate incident report if you agree to start working for me.
[sighs.]
That's never gonna happen.
What's the matter? You don't wanna work for the big boss? Oh, please.
Carol's the big boss.
You're a fucking child.
Well, I guess you two will have a few more years to lez it up together in Château Max.
Which, in a way, is like I'm doing you a favor.
If I learned anything from Katniss and Peeta, that long-distance relationship shit sucks.
Watch another movie, Badison.
PolyCon doesn't care about people.
[grunts.]
Sorry, my bad.
Give me a sec.
PolyCon doesn't just care about people.
People are their bottom line.
[chuckles.]
"Bottom.
" [chuckles.]
With a world-class staff and over 100 educational programs I'm sorry, are they calling the book cart I push around 100 educational programs? 'Cause I haven't seen shit.
Before serving time, I thought I didn't have a future.
Now I know when I get out Oh.
Who am I kidding? I know I have no future.
I barely have a present.
Now I know when I get out, I'm staying out.
"PolyCon is reducing reshitavision"? [Linda.]
Recidivism.
Reshitavism.
If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then you have to stop accepting crap and do something more! - Can you stay on script, please? - [Suzanne.]
Oh.
That was Grey's Anatomy.
Cristina Yang says it to Meredith.
Well, can you stay on my script? Thanks, PolyCon! Thanks, PolyCon.
Uh, you wanna try smiling when you do that? Nope.
I don't need to see anybody else.
You got the part.
- For real? - No.
Get out of here and stop wasting our time.
[exclaims.]
I need a coffee.
Or four.
[grunts.]
God, I'm ready to eeny-meeny-miny-moe this shit whenever you are, so [blows raspberry.]
Jesus, I ain't ever seen nobody spend so much time in their room since my brother got pubes.
You better stay out there or the guards'll be up our asses.
The COs leave me and my friends alone.
You see? You in the right block now.
But just so you know, there's a war that's about to go down.
I thought you might want in, 'cause you got all that beef with C-Block.
What are you talking about? D-Block versus C.
Kickball.
Barb's got everyone gearing up.
Those pills must be really messing with your head if you think that I want to fight in a fucking gang war.
[shushing.]
Calm down.
Calm down.
I'll just tell her to leave you out.
No.
Tell her to stop.
Tell somebody.
Daya people could get killed out there.
- That's kind of the point.
- Oh.
So now you're this big gangbanger, huh? No, only when I need to be.
How did that work out for you last time, Scarface? Things are different for me in here.
You think I don't see you chasing after that Daddy chick like a lost little puppy dog? You need to wake up, Daya, okay? Before you get hurt.
Mmm-hmm.
Yo, you wanna sit this one out? That's on you.
But if you tell anybody about this, I won't be able to protect you.
This isn't camp, mami.
In here, I take care of you.
Uh, Sylvia Good morning.
Hey, wait up.
Mr.
Caputo.
If we'd known you'd be in town, we wouldn't have prerecorded your testimony.
I'm sorry.
I thought I was moving, but it didn't work out.
I'm not sure the live show would've gone any better.
You did what you could.
So, um, how is it looking for her? Based on the information you gave us, we were able to hire another medical examiner and her report contradicts the prosecutor's.
That's promising.
What does that mean for Taystee? Hard to say.
Jurors usually glaze over when presented with medical reports.
But if you had to give me the odds? [chuckles softly.]
It doesn't work like that.
For Christ's sake, I'm asking for a ballpark here.
The kid's life is on the line.
[sighs.]
I'm very sorry.
I'm a little emotional.
Uh - Honestly, I'd say 50-50.
- Shit.
No, that's good.
Coin-toss odds are good.
But there's a lot riding on her testimony tomorrow.
If Taystee can make the jurors feel compassion for her, then we may have a shot at winning this thing.
If she doesn't? Let's hope she does.
Do you mind? Please.
Sorry.
[exhales.]
Fuck those bitches for making McCullough lose her shit like that.
What they did to you in the riot was bad enough.
You can't let 'em fuck up the rest of your life too.
What happened? McCullough freaked out on the yard.
Riot PTSD.
Far as I'm concerned, all those twats should get the chair.
New York does not have the death penalty.
Yeah, but this is federal.
- Still extremely rare.
- That's a real goddamn shame, then.
Especially 'cause the one who organized the thing, Jefferson, her trial started.
Any word how it's going? Yeah, that one's a friend of yours.
Was.
Back in the day.
[Dixon.]
They want to give Jefferson a fair trial, they should stand her up there naked, shove a baton up her ass, and then lock her in a tiny room that smells like shit.
I think we already do that last part, bro.
Whatever.
The baton should go up her ass.
Shit, Dixon.
Ever hear of the high road? Just paying 'em back for what they did to us.
Fuck the high road.
Whose side are you on, anyways? Ours or your little BFF? Yeah, I told you, Jefferson and I aren't friends anymore.
But she's still a person.
No, she ain't.
And the second you start seeing those animals like that, you're fucked.
True.
But there are some good ones here and there.
Well, this Jefferson bitch sure as fuck ain't one of 'em.
Her ass is gonna fry.
And me and you will have front row seats.
I swear, Dixon, we're gonna be so close, we'll be able to smell her back fat sizzle like bacon.
[sighs.]
[grunts.]
[sniffles.]
[sniffing.]
Hello? Is someone in here? [grunts.]
Wheatly, if that's you smoking again, you know you owe me ten bucks.
- What the fuck? - Shit.
My, God! Fuck! Sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Heard they shook you out there.
No.
That was on me, not them.
Doesn't seem like you forgive and forget so easy.
- [toilet flushes.]
- [door opens.]
Forget? [scoffs.]
I wake up in sweat puddles from nightmares every night.
I jump if I hear a loud noise.
[sighs.]
And I will never fucking forgive them.
I mean, shit, if I'd had a gun on me in that yard, I would have mowed them down without thinking twice about it.
[grunts.]
But those girls were just excited about playing kickball.
They are horrible people who have hurt me, and they're regular people who just want to play a game.
Or get through the day.
Or feel human.
And I just get so messed up when I can only see the horrible, which is pretty much all the time.
But I don't know how to exist in the world with so much hate inside me.
Thanks.
[sighs.]
Hey.
Brought you some snacks from the vending machine.
Wasn't sure if you liked sweet or salty, so I got you one of each.
I ain't hungry.
I heard they hired a new medical examiner.
That should be good for your case, right? I guess.
Taystee, I know what you're going through is rough.
But even if you're not feelin' it, you gotta turn it on now.
Hey, you gotta let them meet the smart, funny, caring, full-of-life Taystee.
The Taystee who deserves to be free.
The Taystee that makes up spontaneous rap songs about badminton.
It was croquet because it rhymes with Kanye.
See that? That's what I'm talking about.
How am I supposed to get a bunch of strangers to care about me when my own friend don't give a damn? Don't nobody give a damn about me.
Jesus.
I quit my job over you.
All those people in the gallery every day they care what happens to you too.
[sniffling.]
I bet you even Cindy does.
Who knows what went on behind the scenes with her? [Taystee exhales heavily.]
You think this is what Poussey would have wanted? That's right.
I said her name.
I should have said her name.
Taystee, you still got a chance.
What you say on that stand tomorrow matters a lot.
So you gotta get in there and you gotta fight like hell for yourself, just like you did during the riot.
Who knows? Maybe that jury will surprise you.
But they're not gonna get the chance if you've already given up.
Tell me you haven't given up.
[crying.]
- [inmate.]
What the fuck? - Time's up.
Yo, Hell-man wanna earn a quick three-hundy? I can only fit eight grams in one burrito.
If I start bringing in two burritos, it'll look suspicious on account of I'm not a fat-ass.
This ain't about drugs.
I need you to dirty up Chapman's record.
How dirty we talking? Mmm.
Maybe you catch her making brass knuckles out of an old Preparation H tube? Or find a dime bag of weed in her cooch? Dealer's choice.
So long as she gets, uh, another, say, two, three years.
I'll take your money, but, uh, I also want something else.
[chuckling.]
It's been a while since I choked on a chubby, but it's like riding a bike, no? Yeah, a fat, leaking, flesh-bike that rams into your tonsils.
- It's all coming back to me now.
- Not you.
Ugh.
I want Mulan and Jasmine over there.
Someone's got a thing for Pan-Asian Disney princesses.
The year I turned 13, my little sister used to watch that shit on a loop.
Interesting.
Answer me this.
Do you go one on each side or is it more of an alternating suck? That's my business.
We got a deal or what? I think I can arrange your little feast from the East.
But, so you know, Teng is a competitive swimmer and Chambal's from northern Maine.
So, you got more of an Ariel-Elsa situation, if you ask me.
You want your incident report, go get me my Oriental combo.
Fine, but if I make this happen, price goes down to two-hundy.
Listen to you, bargaining like an Arab at a flea market.
Let's see you make it happen.
Then I might be in a better mood to negotiate.
[Ward.]
So this is where you've been all day.
Yeah, doing Fig's job for her.
New company directive.
We turn all our inmate files into scores.
- Sounds about right.
- [chuckles.]
Hey, I was wondering if I could get a personal day tomorrow.
What for? [sighs.]
It's personal.
Yeah.
You get your shift covered, the day's all yours.
Good.
[sighs.]
Thanks.
Sure must take a lot out of you, turning people into numbers.
[grunts.]
You know, once you get in the flow, it's actually kind of relaxing.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
[Luschek grunting.]
Warm-ups.
Hey, you came back.
I can't stay.
I need to talk to you about something important.
Me too.
Is cumbia a type of music or a person? This is serious.
Hola, amiga.
Thought Badison told you not to show your face around here.
Hey, shut up.
This class is open to everyone.
All right, uh, what's up? Talk to you later.
Just 'cause you moved blocks don't mean we forgot you, Mendoza.
Yeah, now we double-hate you, D-Bitch.
Hey! Hey that was not cool, ladies.
Dance in the back of the class today and think about your behavior.
[both scoff.]
What's the square root of 4,096? Sixty four.
But thanks to PolyCon GED program, my options are infinite.
I sure hope I pass.
I don't want normal and easy and simple.
I want I want I want painful difficult devastating Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
[grunts.]
That is Olivia Pope from Scandal.
I am trying to help here.
Okay, let's just do it again.
I thought being in this video would be less boring than sitting in my cell all day, but I can admit when I'm wrong.
Can I leave? If I have to be here, you have to be here.
Maybe if someone didn't keep fucking up No.
No, no.
Um, I am playing the moment.
Okay, people.
Hello.
Okay.
You need to stick to the script.
You, lose the sourpuss.
And when you say your line, I need you to look up to the sky and put your hands together in prayer.
Okay? [scoffs.]
Not happening.
You and God have a break-up? None of your fucking business.
Um I'll do it.
Or if you want, I can give it more of a, uh, Jewish vibe.
Or Hindu.
You know, Buddhists just mostly sit, but I do have a believable satanist.
Why don't you say the lines as written, okay, Meryl Streep? Let's get through this fucking thing already, please.
You always so angry? Fuck off.
It wasn't an insult.
Rage can be very useful.
You wanna be useful? What are you talking about? D-Block's gearing up for battle, so if you want in - [Linda.]
Why aren't we rolling? - [woman.]
I'm changing the battery.
Daddy says now's your big chance.
- [woman.]
All set.
- [Linda.]
Thank you.
And action.
What's the square root of 4,096? - Sixty-four.
- Sixty-four.
Ah, dang it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
[printer whirring.]
Hey, you got my list? Yep.
Hot off the presses.
It was a pain in the ass, but they're all here, ranked in order from one to 635.
- Excellent.
- What's all this for anyhow? Some new PolyCon directive that has us replacing all the short-sentenced, well-behaved inmates with more violent long-termers who'll give us more bang for the buck.
So corporate gets rich and we get stuck with the worst of the worst, huh? Basically, yeah.
Oh, and the top 25 on the list get released on Friday, so you'd better get going on that outtake prep.
Dinner's on me if you have to stay late.
See, silver lining.
Just keep it under 12 bucks.
[sighs.]
[Red.]
Fucking Carol.
She has the attention span of a gnat.
Wooing me with her card games and her deep-conditioning hooch.
- And then one tiny setback - [sighs.]
That last nose-break fixed my snoring.
Have you noticed? You should be able to sleep like a baby now.
How can I sleep knowing Frieda's in Florida living the life of Riley while I'm stuck in this cesspool, missing all the good years with my grandchildren? I find that the trick is to let go of your anger - and focus on what you have.
- [scoffs.]
I lost my sense of smell, but I still have my smemories.
Like Pop-Pop's tater tot pie.
Smells are not children.
My sniffer's never coming back.
Your grandkids can still visit.
I've been begging my son for months.
Those babies were my one chance to get it right.
They only love you when they're little, you know.
And Frieda, she's taken all that away from me.
Ten more years.
[sniffles.]
And she got Carol 30.
Yeah, which is three times worse.
And look how well Carol managed to let it go.
I should have known someone so petty couldn't be trusted.
No, if I want Frieda dead I'll have to do it myself.
Or you could choose to be happy.
Isn't it impossible to get into Florida anyway? Bin Laden was squirreled away in a Pakistani compound for ten years, but they eventually got to him, didn't they? Good on Obama for that one.
The key is to stay vigilant and keep focused.
Something Carol knows nothing about.
One minute she's with me, and the next she's only into her stupid gang war.
I really hope I'm out of here before that starts.
Oh, my poor girl.
You don't know, do you? Know what? You're not getting out early.
That was Carol having her fun with you.
That fucking bitch.
Not so easy to let it go, is it? [indistinct chatter.]
Hey, there's the famous radio DJ.
How you doing, FYI Flava Flav? It's actually DIY Fly Flaca, but pretty good, I guess.
You know, I'm a big fan of the show.
I never miss it.
- [Flaca.]
Mmm.
- Um Does Luschek still, uh, oversee that for you? If by "oversee," you mean sleeps in a chair nearby, then yeah.
You ever think about having guests on your show to mix things up a bit? [sighs.]
Right now, I don't even have a cohost.
They're keeping Cindy overnight for Taystee's trial.
But even when she is here, she's all, "Wah, my guilt this, ow, my back that.
" [scoffs.]
Must be a Jewish thing.
You know what? If you want, I could cohost with you until she gets back.
I'm very entertaining.
You are? Yeah, okay.
Check this out.
What did the snail say on the back of the turtle? Whee! [chuckles.]
Oh, you get it? 'Cause We do more of a casual banter thing.
You think you could do that? You kidding me? I could banter like I invented it.
Sorry, I've got the girls double-booked.
That's okay.
[sighs.]
'80s bangs aren't really my thing.
Bonnie, Gail, give us a few minutes.
[Alex clears throat.]
You got a lot of nerve, interrupting my beauty hour.
You need to get Badison under control.
Since when did you start telling me what to do? Since your minion became hell-bent on stealing Piper's date.
[scoffs.]
So Badison's a shit-stirrer.
She's like the fucking handheld blender of shit-stirring.
Girl goes rogue every now and again, but at the end of the day, she does what I need her to.
Like bringing in those phones? Because that was actually my idea.
The connection to Luschek? Mine.
She never mentioned it.
Of course she didn't.
Badison's so desperate to be your top dog, she'll never give someone else credit.
You're a very smart woman, Carol.
I honestly don't know why you keep her around.
Maybe because she's so desperate to stay my top dog.
And she's got her moves.
Please! I had better moves in the eighth grade.
By the time I was 21, I was moving 50 kilos of black tar through three continents.
You still got connections? That depends.
You gonna keep Badison from giving Piper more time? [chuckles.]
You must really love this girl.
Yeah, I do.
[chuckles softly.]
I do this for you it means you're working for me now.
Then I guess we have a deal.
[indistinct chatter.]
Hey, excuse me.
You're head of the guards, right? That's me.
So if drugs are coming into the prison, you're responsible? What do you mean? I mean that drugs are coming into the prison, and I'm here, as a good citizen to turn them in.
Normally, I have no interest in any of this, but these drugs are being planted on me by my sociopathic cellmate, who is determined to see me in here till eternity.
Any idea where she got them? No but girls talk.
Especially to me.
They just open up.
So, if you agree to protect me, I'd be more than happy to sniff around, find out exactly who's bringing in what.
Appreciate the help.
Likewise.
Ms.
Jefferson, you were sentenced to Litchfield camp on a low-level, non-violent drug offense.
Is that correct? - Yes, ma'am.
- [mic feedback.]
- [jurors exclaim.]
- [Taystee clears throat.]
Sorry.
Uh, yes, I was.
And were you guilty of that crime? Yes.
That is why I pled guilty instead of going to trial.
[door opens.]
Could you tell the members of the jury how that drug charge came about? [Taystee.]
Well [sighs.]
Um, when I aged out of group home, I didn't have nowhere else Excuse me anywhere else to live.
So, I stayed with a lady dealer, who gave me a bed in exchange for me handling her account books.
Um, that's because I'm good at math.
How many years did you live in a group home? Pretty much my entire life.
Or at least for as long as I can remember.
[lawyer.]
And what was that like for you? Objection.
I don't see how Ms.
Jefferson's childhood is relevant.
I'm getting there.
I'll allow it.
I was asking, what was the group home environment like for you? Loud.
I mean, when you get eight or nine kids in a house, it's a lot of fighting.
So, I was usually the one breaking it up.
You know, the peacemaker.
Or the referee.
So your role as lead negotiator in the riot, that was a familiar one for you? Yes.
Yes, it was.
Ms.
Jefferson, why would you take on this leadership role in the riot when you could have very easily chosen not to participate? [sighs.]
Well, I had a best friend once.
And the entire time I knew her, she never let me down.
Uh, and then she was killed by a guard, uh, when she didn't even do nothing.
[sighs.]
Anything.
Uh, and even then, I never lost hope because when she was alive, my friend, Poussey, [chuckles.]
she never did, even when life was rough.
So I chose to participate in the riot because I wanted justice for her death.
So your best friend was killed by a guard and yet you weren't seeking revenge? No.
I never wanted anybody else to die.
All I wanted was for the person who killed my friend to be up here where I am now, telling you why he murdered Why he murdered an innocent person, instead of me, explaining why I didn't kill a guilty one.
Scram, losers.
Hey, Carol.
Sure you want to frizz up your new 'do with all this humidity? What the fuck is wrong with you? Chasing after Chapman on the playground when we're gearing up for war? Ever heard of multitasking? Seems to me you can't even do the one fucking job I gave you.
Vause told me the phones were her idea and using Luschek as our pipeline.
[chuckles.]
Ideas are like assholes.
We all got 'em and most of 'em stink.
Doesn't matter who thought of what.
I'm the one on the ground running this thing.
Not anymore, you're not.
You're cutting me loose? In the middle of a freakin' war? No.
It's never a good idea to change horses midstream.
That's why I'm pairing you up with Vause.
Double the flavor, double the fun.
[chuckles.]
No, forget it.
I ain't working with her.
Keep mouthing off and you'll be working for her.
And if I catch you trying to steal Chapman's date, or messing with her in any way you can bet your pasty white ass there'll be consequences.
[Linda.]
Hurry, we have two more scenes to go.
[Flaca.]
Um - Hey, Luschek.
- [Luschek.]
Hey.
- [Gloria.]
Where you going? - Um Are you wearing mascara? It's manscara.
It turns out I'm the, uh, diversity hire for the video.
Don't worry, Alvarez'll take good care of you.
Hello, let's keep it moving.
We're already way behind schedule.
Come on.
Listen, I got to talk to you.
Just write me a note.
Stupid video.
[scoffs.]
Can you believe they didn't ask me to be in it? Maybe they thought I'd be too distracting.
Yeah, like, "Who's that hot girl in that lame video?" [sighs.]
I could use some help over here.
[Flaca.]
I'll do it.
[Gloria.]
Um, you want to help us? Get us some water.
[chuckles.]
I can't leave you unsupervised.
How are we supposed to talk for two straight hours if our throats get dry? Fine.
I'll be back in a second.
But technically, it's a minute-four, round trip, plus the time it takes to fill the water.
Um excuse me.
- Where are you going? - Yeah, I'll be right there.
[vocalizing.]
[sputtering.]
[continues vocalizing.]
Let's go, Reznikov.
You're late for visitation.
I'm not expecting anyone.
There's a couple of screaming babies in there and their parents just gave me your name.
I can't believe it.
He brought my grandchildren.
See, what'd I tell you? The universe delivers a bounty as soon as you let things go.
The universe doesn't give a fuck about any of you.
Look where you live.
Even you can't ruin this for me.
- The day is still young.
- Eh.
Hey, guys, I'm calling off the whole Hellman thing.
That's an ixnay on the BJ.
Got it? Tell that to my dick breath.
Aftertaste's even worse.
How did you blow him already? It's not even noon.
Oh.
I used to be a big procrastinator.
Then I read this book, Eat the Frog.
You read a book about sucking dick? It's about procrastination.
Says if you do your worst task first, rest of the day's easy in comparison.
Shit.
You didn't see where Hellman went, did you? Nope, but I saw where he came.
- [Badison sighs.]
- Yeah, you owe me some mouthwash, bitch.
[Hellman.]
Hey, boss, got a new incident report, but all the file boxes are messed up.
What should I do with it? Just give it to me.
[baby crying.]
Baba is coming.
You wanna talk to her? Wanna talk to Baba? You never met your grandkids before? The baby is still little and Kolya's only three.
Or is it four? I've lost track.
My God, I don't even know what he likes.
Probably trucks and trains, if he's anything like his father.
I wonder if he even speaks Russian.
Will he know to call me "Baba"? Oh, who cares.
Let him call me "Grandma" if he wants.
All right, inmates, you're up.
What the hell, lady? - Look me in the eye, coward.
- [gasping.]
Back off.
Out of the way.
Out of the way! - You were my friend.
How could you? - [grunts.]
[Danilo.]
Reznikov! You're off to the SHU.
You ruined things all on your own.
I trusted you, Frieda! And you threw me to the wolves like a bag of old meat.
And for what? Better TV and some extra pudding cups? - [baby continues crying.]
- Any minute.
She's coming.
[boy whining.]
[clears throat.]
I came here today because, um, I thought that I could trust a guard.
But these COs, they don't give a shit about protecting any of us.
The truth is that they want us to fight because they're playing some sick game with us where they score points for everything that we do.
Like the time that you had a fight with your bunkie, or the one time, right, that you may have puked in the sink.
These fuckers These fuckers score points from that.
And we're too busy trying to kill each other to even notice.
I mean, fuck, mamas, what are we doing to ourselves? - [pounding on door.]
- No, wait.
[Alvarez.]
Goddamn, open this door right now.
No.
We're destroying ourselves while they cheer us on from the sidelines.
Listen, I'm not saying that we gotta be best friends or nothing like that, but, you know, for once, can't we just stop this shit with the blue versus khaki, and just I don't know, man, be be on the same side for once? That was dope.
Seriously.
I'm gonna let him in and then you gotta say all that shit on the air.
Wait.
What do you mean? Well, the guard has to come in and use their key to turn that switch.
But that was a great warm-up.
[exhales.]
What's going on in here? Honestly, uh, I have no idea.
She's telling the truth.
She don't know nothing.
I was the one that closed the door.
Go back to your cell, inmate.
Look.
Look what I found.
Your scoresheets.
You sick fuck.
You know what? Everyone is gonna find out what you're doing.
Well, they won't be hearing it from you because you are going to the SHU.
[indistinct chatter.]
I fixed it.
What do you mean? You know how you said going to a CO wouldn't work? Well, the trick was going above their heads to the big boss, Hopper.
I explained the situation to him and I promised him that I would give him intel on inter-prison goings-on, and it worked.
I just walked through the common area and Badison walked around me.
[chuckles.]
- I think she even kind of smiled.
- Mmm.
That's creepy.
It's good, but it's creepy.
Now we can spend the rest of our time in here without living in fear.
Nice job.
I'm glad it all worked out.
I love you so much.
I love you too, Pipes.
Now what about that grad school app? Because I was thinking, the trick is to put the right spin on it.
Like, instead of saying "former drug dealer," we could say that you were VP of sales and distribution for Kubra Industries Worldwide.
Very doublespeak creative.
I like it.
But, alas, you are too late.
I already sent it in.
You ate the frog.
Didn't I tell you that was a good book? Oh, you ate the application frog! You better be careful or we'll get shots again.
You like it? Oh, yeah.
She's She's a beauty.
Good.
Kickball game's in two days.
You need to make enough of these for all the girls.
Vause get one too? Let her handle the business front.
I only give weapons to my warriors.
[indistinct chatter.]
[Daddy clears throat.]
But thanks to PolyCon GED program, my options are infinite.
The state of Connecticut is going to eat it up.
They love seeing black people learning in prison.
It makes them feel like they're helping, but also that they're safe.
[knock at door.]
Excuse me.
You give those early release files to the parole board yet? No, I haven't had time to review them.
Good.
Uh, I gotta make an update.
Well, you better hurry up because it's due in 14 minutes.
Take your time.
We're gonna be here a while.
Watch this one.
This is like that Michelle Pfeiffer movie where she's the teacher.
[sighs.]
[rock song playing.]
[printer whirring.]
Freedom, freedom 'Freedom Freedom, freedom Freedom Freedom, freedom