Our Cartoon President (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

Climate Change

1 [MAN.]
Welcome to night one of the first - Democratic presidential debate.
Good evening.
I'm Lester Holt, the last living good man.
Also joining me, Savannah Guthrie, Jose Diaz-Balart, Rachel Maddow, and Chuck Todd, who, even next to 20 presidential candidates, seems like an ego-maniac.
Hey, if everyone's saying you're worse than shit, you're doin' something right.
Let's meet the candidates.
Audience, please withhold your "Is this the best we can dos" until the end.
Mayor, De Blasio.
I'm Mayor Bill De Blasio, and if I have one weakness, it's that I work too little.
I'm Tim Ryan.
I can't stop blinking.
And every second feels like an hour.
Julian Castro asked to reserve his introduction time to later destroy Beto O'Rourke.
- Wait, what? - Senator Booker? I'm Cory Booker.
If you don't vote for me, I'll come to your home, knock on your door, and ask, "Why not?" I'm Elizabeth Warren, the healthy salad place that you should eat at, but Chipotle is right there.
I'm Beto O'Rourke.
A bunch of people told me to run, and I'm still not sure why.
I'm Senator Amy Klobuchar, and I'm not the monster - OMINOUS MUSIC - my former assistants make me out to be.
I actually have a lot of [VOICE DEEPENS.]
good ideas.
Jesus Christ! [HOLT.]
And there's crazy Russian plant, possibly a retired Canadian football player, and bald guy.
I am so confident, I will attempt to speak Spanish without ever having studied it.
Estado unedos es moy bueno e guapo.
You won, Julian.
Now stop! Julian, even I think you're being too harsh, and I once made an intern swallow a battery.
Oh, man! Everyone here is really smart.
Jesus, I'm kicking everyone's ass, and I still can't stop shaking.
Hey, whoever's in charge of the audio is definitely the dumbest one here, right? He's gonna get the reputation of being the dumb guy.
No doubt about it.
- [HOLT.]
Welcome to night 2.
- Different ingredients, same burrito you found in the trash.
Let's meet the candidates.
I'm Marianne Williamson, and I want to be the first quack president of the United States, baby.
I think it's safe to skip the next two unless the audience objects.
Moving on.
I'm Mayor Pete Buttigieg.
I'm so committed to being president that I've allowed my city to descend into a den of racial animus.
Shouldn't you go back there? Yeah, I'm gonna leave Miami for South Bend.
Oh-ho-kay, bitch.
Please don't call me bitch.
Vice President Biden? I promise that as president, no pile of shit will go un-stepped in.
I'm Bernie Sanders.
My first action as president will be to clean up the White House.
Pine-Sol the floors, put Formula 409 in the tubs, and Windex all the windows.
You are not going to be able to breathe in there for a month! I'm Senator Kamala Harris.
I have a black father, Indian mother, and I'm a women.
I'm a tasty turkey leg in a trap ready to catch Trump.
Okay, let me see who's left.
And we're good.
Joe Biden, I'm gonna bus you into the forest and leave you there.
Get him, Kamala! [BIDEN.]
All right, look, look, look.
Look, look, look, look, look.
Folks, look.
Oh, that's my time.
If you need someone to calm tensions between Joe and Kamala, I am [CHUCKLES.]
not the guy.
Let's focus on the real issue.
A cat's in my car and refuses to unlock the door.
Why isn't anyone asking Marianne Williamson's position on busing? [SANDERS.]
If Jane was not in the picture, I would send a crystal to Marianne Williamson with a note saying, "From your secret admirer.
" Everybody come on out.
You too, Tim Ryan, let's go! I want each of you to listen to me.
Next debate, you need to get your shit together.
You're running for president here.
- [ALL.]
- Sorry, baby! [HOLT.]
It's okay.
Joe, I think we're good.
If you want, we can all pretend you never ran.
Get you a nice podcast.
Are you kidding? I'm setting myself up for 2024! From all of us here at NBC News, God help us all.
Karma isn't real, losers.
Oh! Three white people on a couch It's "Fox and Friends" You're a good person, so nothing you do is bad! - It's "Fox and Friends"! - Well, the the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change just released another report saying climate change is real.
What?! Climate change isn't real! I know because the mountain on my computer background is still covered in snow.
If the climate is changing, how come every day this year has been the hottest one on record? Speaking of hotty-boom-bodies, President Trump is delivering comments on the climate report right now.
Calm down.
The Earth isn't heating up.
The sun's just bloated from a big lunch.
Mister President, why are you drenched? I just watched "The Perfect Storm".
That's not how movies work.
Fuck you! - Today was a hot one, - and that means President Trump looked absolutely disgusting.
According to sources, the sweat wanted to roll down his face, but there was just too much sweat already there, so it retreated into his eardrums.
Is President Swamp-ass finally feeling the effects of climate change? You're President Swamp Eh It's too hot, forget it.
What's your strategy for the debate tonight? I'm thinking of jumping on a bunch of stuff.
I'm going to keep announcing policies that for some reason people call unlikable.
I'm just gonna say what everyone else says, but vaguer and louder.
That was my idea, fuck-nuts! Hey, who's that guy over there whispering to his saltines? [GRUNTS.]
Pretty good.
That's a good batch.
- Oh, it's Bernie.
Poor guy.
- [SIGHS.]
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Isn't he a front runner? - That doesn't sound right.
- It's still early! Look, I feel bad for the old man.
I mean, he's got to be, what, ten months older than I am? I'll go keep him company.
Hey, Bernie, what's shakin'? This economy is completely rigged against working people.
Jesus, save it for the debate.
I'm sorry.
It's just that the economy is completely tilted against everyday working class Just hey, why don't you come hang with us? Cory's showing us a picture of his girlfriend, and, I swear to God, it's the first Google result for "hot girlfriend.
" Uh, I don't belong over there with you combed-hair types.
You're a front runner, Bernie.
Maybe it's time to start looking the part.
Get a haircut, buy a suit you didn't find in a railyard, scrape off the lozenges stuck to your necktie.
I would, but I have to do my pre-debate ritual where I go through all 75 punch cards in my wallet.
Yesus H.
Has anyone seen the President? - No.
- Nope.
I thought it might be cooler under the table, but Pompeo's ankles are like space heaters.
Hey, is global warming real, or is it just a scary story you tell your kids so they ask to sleep at their mom's? Unlike my shit wife's "film career", it's real.
Okay, who doesn't believe global warming is real? So, the four dumbest people in the room? Okay, it's real.
Oh, what's the difference? By the time it kicks in, we'll be dead or living in space mansions having zero gravity bunga bunga parties.
How would you get enough leverage to perform? Velcro, you idiot.
You think I didn't think of that?! Let him go.
It's not worth it.
Oh! The ice cream truck! Oh, thank God! [CACKLES.]
- Hello, Donald.
Mad Dog Mattis? Sad Dog McMaster? Third Dog Kelly? What are doing here? We hit save on our tell-alls to warn you about the biggest threat to our national security.
Dashboard hula girls coming to life and yanking your steering wheel into a ravine? Climate change.
Oceans are rising, and, had you listened to briefings, you'd know naval bases are on the water.
And if troops launching World War Three while wearing water wingies doesn't trouble you, take a look at this.
What's that a big sweet roll? That, sir, is your face.
If global warming continues at its current rate, here it is in five years.
Ten years.
And twenty years.
Aah! My face! I'd only be body-hot! Sir, if you don't do something about climate change and fast, you will be the most uncomfortable, disgusting person on the face of this Earth.
More disgusting than Chris Christie, yes, even Chris Christie.
I'm Chuck Todd, and NBC won't give me a parking space.
Tonight, the Democratic candidates compete to represent the party against President Donald Trump.
They will be given one minute to spout poll-tested buzzwords that I will give zero pushback on.
Let's meet the candidates.
Sorry I am late.
I left my ThinkPad at the pharmacy.
Hey! Pump your brakes, chief.
This is for presidential candidates only.
Hello, operator, I am a presidential candidate.
Yeah, there's no way a presidential candidate has relish on his shirt.
That's why I went to the pharmacy, to get a new shirt.
And please welcome the Senator from Vermont.
You know this guy Bernie Sanders.
That's me! Now you let me on that stage, or you're getting a knuckle sandwich, pal, heavy on the relish.
Senator Bernie Sanders? Is he here? He's probably at home watching the movie, "The Socialism Network".
I know why you're doing this! Because there's a profit motive in our prison system! Watcha doing, Dad? Thinking about how freaking huge Andre the Giant was? I'm just thinking about how to combat climate change and I do my best thinking sitting in an idling car inside an idling plane on an idling boat.
- I don't know if I can solve this issue.
There's no easy fix like running a full page ad saying climate change should get the death penalty.
When you're not feeling up to it, remember that you're doing it for the next generation.
Oh, no, I'm doing this for something important me feeling slightly more comfortable.
Right, but you're also doing it for your children.
You're putting words in my mouth.
Just say, "You can do it, Dad.
" - You can do it, Dad! - You can do it, Dad! He's totally doing it for us.
No, I'm not! - [ANNOUNCER.]
And now, a message from - the President of the United States.
My fellow overheated Americans, for years, the party I hijacked as a vanity project refused to accept the science behind global warming.
Today, that changes because I've been getting really frickin' sweaty, and I'm sick of it! Okay, let's go to our first caller.
We don't have callers? That's a mistake! I'm here with volatile tech-freak Elon Musk to encourage all Americans to embrace electric vehicles.
Come on, let's take a look inside! Oh, sorry for the mess.
You can push the cups out of the way.
- Wow, folks! You can see right through the glass! Now, why isn't it going vroom, vroom, vroom? This is an electric car.
It's just as fast as a gas one, but even more future and cool for me.
Whoa, no stops at gas stations? That's the best part.
You pick up a Gatorade, off-brand gummy worms in a bag sealed with a staple, squeeze by a rack of dirty sodas to hit the john.
You can still go to the gas station to get, like, a Sprite or lighter to light your cannabis joints.
Forget it.
Let me know when you crack the code on gas-powered electric cars.
This old vagrant says he knows you.
Sorry for not calling ahead.
My assistant's getting her hip replaced.
So you need my help to improve your look? You always look so handsome, and I look like a ragamuffin.
Meals on Wheels won't stop chasing my campaign bus.
Hmmm, in 2024, it would be easier to beat a socialist than a political dynamo like Julian Castro.
Heh? You have to speak at 90 decibels into this ear at this angle.
Uh, sure, I'll help you.
Looking classy is simple.
Every equinox, I re-lacquer my whole body and induce a coma so I get five weeks of rejuvenating bedrest.
You sleep in a bed? Not three mismatched sofa cushions laid end to end? Right.
I also rotate my teeth every 6,000 bites.
Slow down, Jesse Owens.
I gotta take some notes here on my ThinkPad.
God damnit, it's still updating.
Gonna be about 300 minutes.
The meat people are making the planet hot, so I need the country to stop eating cows nose to anus and start eating veggie burgers.
Cory Booker just showed up because he's a vegetarian.
Actually, I'm a vegan, and it would be unethical to not support the President's leadership on this issue.
As Gandhi once said Always with the Mahatma! Let's get this over with.
What is happening?! - [SCREAMING.]
- Oh, my Aaaaah! [SCREAMS.]
Uh, side-table burger I had a terrible dream I had to talk to Cory Booker.
One percent of one percent of one percent of one percent of one percent of one percent of one Percent of one [HACKING.]
Sorry, doctor says the mucus is too close to my heart so they can't operate.
On the trail, you're One percent of one percent of [SNAPS.]
Bernie, listen! It's important to show voters that you don't eat every meal with a spoon.
Obviously, I can still eat sandwiches with a spoon.
You are one odd-duck animal.
The next thing is you need to pull back the accent.
Just talk like a computer.
I told you the god damn thing is still updating! - [THINKPAD WHIRRING.]
- Why is it so hot?! Here's the key.
Just be agreeable.
Stop saying what you think and start saying what they think back to them.
So I should stop cutting off everyone mid-sentence to shout, "You're wrong!" Ah, fine, but if this goes kaput, I get all the fruit in your fridge.
I wonder who sent a soaking wet package from the White House.
- Aah! - Aah! I can't eat anymore of those goddamn peanuts! I can't be seen with you! Quick, put a tailored women's blazer on.
No one can find out we met, or Hannity will die of a broken heart.
I'm embracing the green lifestyle, and my body is rejecting it like the fiftieth packing peanut.
How do you do it? I don't live that green a lifestyle.
I eat burgers, ride in SUVs.
You two-faced hypocrite! You're probably not even committing white genocide.
I promise I'm committing white genocide.
I just recognize that it takes collective action to move the needle on climate change.
So I can live my life while still supporting the Green New Deal.
You're saying I can cool the planet, solve my sweating problem, and I don't have to give up my natural spring water toilet? I am supporting the Green New Deal, which will halt global warming, watershed moment, blah, blah, blah, and, most importantly, stop forcing me to change my undershirt every three hours because it turned from white to canary yellow.
And I was just about to support the Green New Deal! - We both know that's a lie.
- Okay.
There's no way any Republican will go along with this.
Climate change is real, and it's all our fault, folks.
- Thousands of scientists are saying it.
- If that many scientists told me to stop resting my head behind tires I would, but so far only three have.
It feels weird to support the president and Mark Ruffalo.
I feel like I'm speeding down the highway in reverse.
We all knew one day the president would save the planet.
- But I assumed he'd do it by piloting - the Statue of Liberty right into an alien spaceship's landing dock.
He's a god, Hannity! Tie my shoes together, push me down an escalator, and let me assist him from the clouds.
I am done here! Ha! I was right.
There was no way Bernie Sanders was showing up to a pharmaceutical industry mixer.
Just be patient.
He said he'd be here.
I'm not waiting here any longer.
The CEO of Pfizer is drunkenly playing hacky sack with his checkbook.
Ladies and gentleman, the honorable Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.
He's gorgeous! Senator you look beautiful.
Yeah, sure.
Please tell me my table is not where the air is blowing.
It dries up my gums, and I can't eat.
Remember, be agreeable and say what they want to hear.
Shall we? I mean, we got to split up these tech companies.
Kids they need to stop watching "The Social Network" and start watching "The Socialism Network".
Yeah, how's it feel? Sucks, huh? This Green New Deal has been driving me bananas.
What's more pressing, human extinction or bipartisan civility? Scientists say we have 12 years before humanity is wiped out, so what's the rush? That's three Olympics away! Bernie, what do you think? [ROMNEY.]
Be agreeable.
Hmm And for Pete's sake, taste your food before you salt it.
That way you know if it even needs salt.
I agree with you guys.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
The private sector is perfectly capable of s-solving climate change.
- Uh-huh! - Uh-huh! I was just about to say what Bernie said.
Shut up, Cory.
Bernie, I must say, you keep this up, the Democratic Party might just have to board this crazy train.
I'll toast to that.
- To Bernie! - To Bernie! I'd also like to toast to Bernie.
Cory, you know when someone wants something so bad so that's the only reason you don't give it to them? 90 degrees yesterday, 80 degrees today.
Should be a breezy 70 by tomorrow, then we can shitcan this Green New Deal.
Good news, President Awesome, the G-20 nations are putting together a ceremony in your honor.
I'm not surprised.
Has anyone in world history done more to solve their sweating problem? And there's two young men who'd like to say "thank you".
Come on in guys.
Don't be shy.
"Dear Mister President," thank you for stopping global warming.
You are a good president.
Did you always want to be president? Love, Donald Junior Trump.
What time is it there?" - "Dear Mister Pres" - Shut the hell up, Eric.
Kellyanne, what is this? You put future generations ahead of yourself, and now every child will want to hug your leg.
DRAMATIC MUSIC The most important policy we can have is unity.
Now I can take a few questions, but, please, don't get too close to the Mic.
That foam thing's a Petri dish.
Hey, why'd you say all that lame stuff on tape? - Yeah! - That sucked! What are these kids talking about? They're supposed to like me.
And another thing.
99% of Americans are dependent upon government and believe that they are entitled to healthcare, food, pre-schools not owned by Walmart, you name it.
- Yeah! - You said it, Bernie! If you don't make $150,000 a year, you should not be allowed to vote.
Bernie! Bernie! I agree with what Bernie said.
Shut up, Cory! What the hell was I thinking? I got applause from one guy without a man bun, and I just went nuts.
- Don't come in here unless you're Scott Baio with a trench coat full of cool watches.
Are you okay? Did you remember that you accidentally kept the XFL offices operational ten years after the league folded? It's cool outside, but I still started sweating.
How is that possible? Sometimes we start sweating because of our feelings on the inside.
Not me, of course.
I've scooped those out like pumpkin guts.
Tell me how to control my feelings on the inside.
I beg you! - So, uh - Uhhh You can control your feelings With this magic Chandelier! Great.
How's it work? Uh, whenever you're feeling worried, just Shake it! You guys are life savers.
Can someone get some chandelier clippers? I'm ruined, and it's all your fault! Hold on there, Mister.
Everything you said was right.
The only thing you left out is that people who own fewer than five horses should be sterilized.
I don't believe that, and the only reason I said any of those things was because of your bad influence.
Dad, is everything all right? I heard loud voices like in a gangster film! Of course it is, Tagg.
Daddy and Uncle Bernie are just talking.
Your daddy is a real piece of shit.
Holy Store Brand Baloney! Bernie, it's time to leave.
Tagg, please walk Bernie down the stairs, through the library, past the kitchen, around the second kitchen, past the spa, down the steps, through the garden to his car.
As long as I have the chandelier, I'll be fine.
And now children from around the world unite in song in honor of Mr.
Oh, yes! If we want to save the world - And for Mother Earth's health - We must think of the children [GLASS CLINKS.]
Instead of ourselves So let's start riding bikes And stop private planes And recycle our plastics To cut down on waste And we'll wash our own clothes And we'll eat meat-free meals And we'll grow our own kale I'm flying back to the White House to pack up my shit before he gets back.
Excuse me, pardon me, out of my way! I'll strike you in the throat! So think of the children instead of yourselves Stttooopppp! Shut up! Shut Up! I don't care about you kids.
I care about my skin not making a peeling sound every time I get out of a leather chair! I'm pulling out of the Green New Deal! - [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
- Oh, no! I'm replacing it with the Green No Deal! If you're not blowtorching your way through Glacier National Park, we're gonna bury you underground until you're coal.
Enjoy the heat! [THUDS, AUDIENCE GASPS.]
- After President Trump fell unconscious, - the deeply offended G-20 leaders cheered on the children as they drew messages of hope on the President's face.
The president's sweat caused the ink to run, so they all agreed to tattoo the images instead.
- Bernie! - Mr.
Sanders! - What were you thinking? - Is this the end of your campaign? If it is, I will retire and make it my duty to tell people on ferries not to lean on the railings.
There's nothing you can't see if you take one step back, folks.
- Bernie! - Bernie! You're pretty lucky your son has extensive experience getting tattoos of dicks removed from his face.
Boys, the Green New Deal is toast, and my face is melting like butter.
Maybe you can put the butter on the toast? Eric, we're gonna go ahead and reinstate that "one sentence per day" policy.
I need to stop sweating, but I want to do it without leaving even a single scrap of planet for the next generation.
Wait a second.
Does the Green New Deal specify how the money is allocated? Don, it's a spending bill.
It's like the government passed out in a whorehouse and everyone has until daylight to root through its pockets.
The one day I forget my tailbone pillow.
Room for one more human man? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I'm sorry about what I said, Mitt, and for calling you a piece of blue-blood shit in front of your son, Tagg.
His bedwetting has returned, but luckily we never took off the plastic sheets.
How do I do it, Mitt? How do I look like a nominee and stay true to myself? You know, when I was governor of Massachusetts, I betrayed my principles when I passed Romneycare.
Sure, it guaranteed our residents would never die due to lack of health insurance, but it nearly killed my presidential chances.
I vowed to never betray my principles again, and look at me now.
I won the Senate Punctuality Award.
Well, I shared it with John Thune, but still.
What in General Mills' Rice Chex was that? Thank God you heard that, too.
I thought my sinuses collapsed again.
Thanks to that Green New Deal cash, this mega air-conditioning unit will cool the entire White House grounds.
Whether inside or outside, you shalt not sweat.
You forgot the best part.
It's terrible for the environment.
A/C begins in three - [WHIRRING.]
- two one.
Should we be worried about that plume of CO2 gas? In my experience, nothing bad's ever happened involving the word "plume".
You're watching a massive air-conditioning unit cool the White House as it shoots deadly gas - into the atmosphere.
- Meanwhile, the average global temperature is already rising.
Bad news day.
But let's get to the important point.
How will horses dying en masse affect the electoral horse race? Coming up, analysis from a former Reagan speechwriter.
Oh, no.
If it gets too hot, my tomato plants are done for.
Alright, I'm gonna go stop that air conditioner.
Give me some of your pomade so I can get past security.
Bernie, you don't need that pomade.
You've demonstrated that you can hang with the mainstream political class by hanging with me, a quarter billionaire whose religion was invented after baseball.
You be yourself.
I'll help you get through security.
You know when the temperature is like, you're not sweating, but you're worried about sweating? Yeah, you want me to turn up the A/C? If you're getting up.
Sick plume! Oh, hello, jackbooted pigs.
I'm the 99% here to confront the President.
Americans should have clean water for their bongs.
Also, as is customary for a government moocher, I've pooped my pants.
Isn't that Mitt Romney? That guy fired my uncle! Let's kick his ass! Ow, oh, ow! Your grandchildren will thank you for this, Mitt.
All 84 of them.
It's getting a little chilly.
Mind throwing another tire on the fire? We're out, so Styrofoam it is.
Stop right there, mister! Ha! What do you want, Crazy Bernie? To leech off my air-conditioning unit? Maybe if you stopped looking for handouts, you'd work hard enough to get taxpayers to buy you a giant air-conditioner.
Donald, you and I have a lot in common.
We both support gun rights, our base would rather die than see a woman president, we both remember the jitterbug, but mainly we are outsiders who wound up in the mainstream.
And it's been uncomfortable.
But we can still pursue our goals while sticking to our outsider principles.
How do I do that and still stop my sweating? Okay, hear me out.
Mesh suits.
Sorry, Bernie.
This is just slightly easier for me, so it's kind of a no-brainer.
Oh, it finished updating just in time.
I'm gonna hack into the A/C and shut it down for good.
Bernie, your laptop is glowing white hot.
Do you know if a '94 ThinkPad can run on the X-P? She's gonna blow! ThinkPad, looks like you're going to be rebooting in Heaven, which is, of course, a made up place only an idiot would believe in.
- Whoa! - Bernie, I'm mad you blew up my air conditioner, but I'm happy to finally see a mushroom cloud.
And I'm happy that you've accelerated this country's decline so that a class revolution is basically a foregone conclusion.
Aww, my face is beet red, and it's not just the Freon sizzling my skin.
Dad, you're missing it! After Mass-Extinction-Gate, the President won't have the political capital necessary to solve the climate crisis.
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders is back at the front - of the Democratic pack.
- I wonder if he's had time lately to watch the movie "The Social The Socialism Network"? If I hadn't said it wrong, it would have gotten a big laugh.
That Freon did a number on my throat.
Should have never scraped off those lozenges.
Bernie, that was amazing what ya did.
- You're my hero.
- We all agree you did good.
- Nice job, fucko.
- Why don't you come get plastered with us in Kamala's hotel room? I stole a prisoner's toilet wine.
Thanks, guys, but I still got a few dozen more punch cards to go through.
Now, let's see here.
I've got an unused ticket to Staten Island Ferry, beer parlor two-for-one, Walter Matthau's business card, a half a dozen half dollars? That's why this thing's so heavy.
The important thing is you tried to save the world for us, Dad.
I don't care if you live or die, but thanks.
Dad, you're not sweating like a hog anymore! - You did it! - I sure did, and all it took was blowing up half the White House to get this great cross-breeze going.
Whew! Whoa! Shit ton of squirrels in here, Dad.
Don't worry, Don.
They'll be extinct in no time.
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!