Our Flag Means Death (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

The Art of F**kery

1 (PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING) CAPTAIN STEDE: Just out there, there was a whale, and it was being chased by a whole bunch of sharks IZZY: We've been almost a fortnight aboard "The Revenge" (LAUGHING) and I'm startin' to suspect that Edward has no intention of ending Stede Bonnet's life.
If I didn't know better I'd say he's somehow become seduced by this imbecile.
(GRUNTS) Ha-ha! Shall we call this a draw? (CHUCKLES) Never! Ah! Ooh! Bugger! You are improving, though Kinda.
Yeah, well, it's been days since I've cut myself on my sword.
Oop, no, there we go.
You know what, Stede? If you wanted, I could teach you a more advanced trick of the trade.
Oh yeah? (SWORD CLATTERS) Stab me.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, right.
Oh, what's wrong? You scared? Take your sword, run me through.
(SCOFFS) I don't think I wanna do that.
No worries then.
I'll just have to shoot you.
- Ed, don't shoot me! - Come on, mate! This is it.
I'm gonna shoot you in the face! - No! - This is the life.
Now, act or die.
- No! - One! - Two! Three! - Ahh! - Come at me, dog! - Ah! Ahh! - (BLADE SLICES) - (WINCES) - (CHUCKLES) - Ya happy now, you - Yeah.
- I stabbed you, you nut! You managed to avoid all the important bits.
What? You see gettin' run-through's an art.
I've had it done to me dozens of times.
The key (GRUNTS) is to take the blade where it does the least damage.
(CAPTAIN STEDE GROANS) Science tells us that all the useful organs are on the right part of the body, so I cleverly took the sword on the left.
What Is that right? - I mean, the, the liver.
- The liver? (CHUCKLES) We don't even know what that thing does.
Well how-how does one get it out? Let me see.
Now, relax a little, and then you just gently tug.
You ready? And go.
- (GRUNTING) - Yep, tug it.
- Oh god! - Little tug, little tug, tiny tug.
Little, little tug.
Keep Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, oh yeah.
- My god.
- BLACKBEARD: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (MOANING) - Oh my god.
- (MOANING) Oh my god! And, finally, the man saw who was driving the carriage.
It was an elderly gentleman with a hook for a head! A hook for a head? How does that work? H-How does he even eat? He doesn't eat.
He's got a hook for a head.
- Does it even make sense? - ALL: No.
- How does he kiss? - It doesn't kiss.
- No one likes him.
- It's not scary at all.
I bet Blackbeard knows a scary story.
(PIRATES AGREEING) What's the scariest thing you've ever seen sir? That's hard to say because I don't feel fear.
(IMPRESSED MURMURS) But I think the scariest thing I've ever seen would probably be the Kraken.
The, the Kraken's not real, though.
I remember when I used to think that.
So, is the plan off? Yeah, I reckon we're not killing this guy now.
The plan is very much alive.
He promised me.
It just seems that he's having an awfully nice time.
I mean, look at him.
He's telling ghost stories.
This is the most open and available I've ever seen him.
There I was just a young waif on a late-night walk.
- (THUNDER RUMBLES) - There, I see an old drunkard stumbling home past the old stone wall.
And there, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of something stirring in the brine, some sort of hideous creature.
Its tentacles, they rise up out of the water.
And before I knew it, it grabbed him.
I tried to warn him, but it was too late.
The creature had him now, in his grasp, flinging him around before wringing him out like a fucking bar rag.
(FRIGHTFUL MUSIC PLAYING) And that poor wretch? That was my dad.
Kraken killed Blackbeard's pa.
The good news is, my dad was a dick.
(ALL CHUCKLE) And I learned something that night: fear is the most powerful emotion.
Turn your enemy's worst fear against them, you'll own them.
- I've often said that.
- (ALL DISAGREE) I've definitely said that.
FRENCHIE: Maybe you said it on your own.
Yeah, I may, uh, you Yeah.
I may have been on my own.
But on that note how do you go about tapping into an enemy's fear? You really want to know? Yeah, I think we'd all be curious.
- Right, gang? - (ALL AGREE) Well, maybe, I will tell you, someday.
But be careful what you ask your God for (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) She might just answer.
- Captain! Avast ye! - Ooh! There's somethin' witchy afoot! What?! What, what you talking about? Witchy?! How?! Never known a fog like this.
It's abnormal.
Tastes abnormal, too.
I suppose it is a tad off.
Anyone seen Blackbeard? - BLACKBEARD: Over here, child.
- Oh god.
He's there! (THUNDER) - Agh! - Ow, you bit me! What the fuck?! I thought you were the demon, boy! Or am I here? What? Flee and survive, or face me and burn! - (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) - (FEARFUL SHOUTING) Every man for himself! Oh, whoa, hey, okay! Boys, give it a rest! We've got a man overboard! Ugh, it's a bit too much atmosphere anyway.
It's my fault, boss! It's all an illusion! Brilliant! Exactly.
Or as I like to call it, The Art of Fuckery.
Sorry, laddie.
Ye triggered my fight or bite response.
Why do I have a splinter? Oh that'll be from me "summer" teef.
- Some are teef.
- Oh my god.
Some ain't.
(LAUGHS) - May I have a word? - CAPTAIN STEDE: It's a bit like theater isn't it, Ed? The Theater of Fear.
Ha! "Theater of Fear.
" Love that.
His name is Blackbeard, dog! Well, I'll leave you to it.
It looks like there's trouble in paradise.
Can you get up here and let me out of this thing? - I can't feel my balls.
- But, but we need to talk.
What the fuck you doin' with your head between my legs? - Stop.
Unbuckle the fuckin' - (IZZY GRUMBLING) No, you're tightening it! No, shut up! Up on top here.
(IZZY GRUMBLING) - That's my no, that's my hips.
- That's it! That is it! You seem to know everything about everything in the whole fuckin' world! (STAMMERING) BLACKBEARD: Izzy! Izzy! Izzy! That was embarrassing! You left me hangin' up there for 20 minutes.
Not bloody optimal.
What the fuck's all this? Do you remember your policy about pets aboard your vessel? Pets? Yeah.
No pets.
They befoul the ship.
IVAN: You know what else you said? You said the love of a pet makes a man weak.
- I said that? - Yeah, when I joined your crew, you made me put my dog down.
Yeah, okay, well, yeah, vaguely remember that.
So, here's the rub: Me and the boys, we think you've begun to view Bonnet as a sort of a pet.
- Mm-hm.
- Hm.
IZZY: You're in too deep, Edward.
Best thing to do - end it quick.
- Yeah.
The longer you wait, the harder it gets (CRIES) They're just pets.
(FANG CRYING) It's all right, Fangy.
He's up in doggy heaven now, mate.
Yeah, but we go to different heavens! (WAILING) He goes to doggy heaven.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) I'll happily end it.
It's my mess.
I'll do it.
Maybe while he's doing something he loves.
CAPTAIN STEDE: Oh, there you are! Hey, according to Buttons, we should cross paths with a Dutch merchant ship tomorrow night.
I thought we could take it through a bit of Fuckery.
Oh, mate, that's a bit advanced for you.
A good Fuckery takes ages to develop.
IZZY: As much as I hate to admit it, Captain Bonnet's theatrical instincts are finely honed.
He's more than up to the challenge.
Well, thank you.
Maybe I misjudged you.
Let's do it! Lucius! We've got a Fuckery on our hands! What are you doing? You know he's not up for this.
Oh, of course not but he would be doing something he loved.
It's time, Edward.
Send him to doggy heaven.
Tell me a story.
- Me? - Yes, engage me.
Go! On the day I was born, - the rain looked just like blood - Boring! Next! I yearn to make sweet love to the sea Whoa, way too personal! Go.
- Ah - Come on, spit it out! - I have one.
- Terrible.
All of these stories are very bad.
Thankfully, we do have a Master of Horror, one William Shakespeare, at our disposal.
What if I hack up a dummy with an axe? Maybe have like meat and guts and stuff comin' out of it.
I once witnessed a man eatin' another man's face once.
That was pretty vulgar.
That's actually quite a cheap scare.
I'm thinking more along the lines of psychological.
- I've always wanted to sing.
- Singing's not scary.
Well, maybe it doesn't always have to be scary.
Maybe, sometimes, it can be an expression of ourselves.
Anyone smell that? Kinda like a a dead person smell? - (ALL GAGGING) - Oh, Lord above.
BLACK PETE: Oh my god.
My finger feels like fires.
All right, this rehearsal is already a disaster.
Let's take 20.
Get him to the infirmary, and that's a taut 20.
Fuck Fuck! I got his head, I got his head, I got his head.
Get around, I'll hold him here.
(ALL MUTTERING) (FLIES BUZZING) You're a doctor? I thought you were the cook.
Mm, knives are knives, meat's meat.
Seems to me the best move here is amputation.
Oh, for God's sake! He's a visual artist.
You can't cut the boy's little fingies.
Level with us, man.
- There's no better option? - Not in my professional opinion.
- Hold him down.
- Okay.
I'll whack it off in one go.
Or two.
Or three.
- What's happening? Am I dead? - Uh, no, no, no, baby.
(SCREAMS) No! No! - It's just a dream! - BLACK PETE: Hey, where are you goin' This is all a dream.
Come back! Muse, why have you forsaken me? IZZY: How goes the Fuckery? What are you doing in here? I've just been takin' in your library.
What a perverse misuse of space.
Still, it's a nice room.
Lots of possibilities.
Yes, well, I designed it for flow.
So, if you'd kindly piss off, the Fuckery's canceled.
You can't cancel it.
I went out on a limb for you, you little shit.
Not my problem.
Why'd you even do it in the first place? Because it's my job to make sure that Edward is content.
And he adores you.
Why, I'll never know, but he does.
So, plumb the depths, man.
Perform like it's your last day on Earth.
I'd like to apologize for my, my behavior earlier.
As total as my theatrical knowledge may be, - I did forget the most important thing.
- Oh, to be interesting? Company.
We are a company.
Um, and so, this work is a shared vision.
Now, we've only got a couple of hours to put this thing together.
Yeah, we've already figured it out, actually, mostly.
- What? - Yeah, we figured out a bunch of, like, really scary stuff.
- Yeah.
- And I'm going to sing.
Yeah, right, The Swede's gonna sing.
Anyways, it's gonna be excellent.
The one thing we haven't got is the finale.
Hm, I may have something.
Something that'll really plumb the depths.
You're a killer, bro.
You're a fuckin' killer.
So kill! - Uh, Mr.
Blackbeard, sir? - Yeah? Uh, we'll be approaching the vessel in a few moments, and Captain wanted me to show you to your seat.
All right.
Let's do this.
So, Captain figures that this will be the best view for you for when they come aboard.
- When they come aboard? - Yeah.
No, no.
Aren't we supposed to be raiding them? Yeah, he's reimagined things a bit, all right? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) Appears abandoned, right? Yeah, I mean, seems like it, right? ALL: Yeah, yeah.
Well, let's go have a look.
Hello? Anybody home? Only us spirits from the wretched, burning depths of Hades, methinks! THE SWEDE: What is wrong, Nederlandska? Have you stumbled onto something beyond your comprehension? Ha-ha! Um, are those supposed to be the same guys? With very different hairstyles, no? I am a witch, and this is my cat! - (MEOWS AND HISSES) - (CACKLING) Ooh, hey! The opening went great.
- I thought I heard laughter.
- Oh, no.
That was screams.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Oh, here they come.
Watch this.
(LAUGHING) - (GROWLING) - Captain, look! Hello? What is happening here? Terrifying, isn't it? Yeah, man, it's scary as hell.
(JIM LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) Have mercy! (WILD LAUGHTER) (DOOR OPENS) Ooh! They can't cut off my finger if there's no finger to cut off.
(DUTCH SAILORS EXCLAIMING) (ALL GAGGING) Shit, that was incredible.
- How'd you do that? - I don't know.
I'll have to ask the little bugger.
(ANGELIC SINGING) - Oh, this is my cue.
- Is that The Swede? Yeah, that's our little Nordic angel.
Keep watching.
Big finale coming up.
It would appear the siren's song has awoken a beast! Not mere whale nor shark.
'Tis the greatest terror of the sea! The Kraken! Enough nonsense! (BANGING ON WINDOW) (DARK VIOLIN PLAYING) (YELLING) (CRYING) - Blackbeard! - Ooh! - Blackbeard! Blackbeard! - (ALL EXCLAIMING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) -(ALL SHOUTING) -Abandon ship! Abandon ship! - Black Cat of Death! - Good pussycat! - Bravo, Wee John! Bravo.
- (CHEERS, LAUGHTER) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Edward? You all right? (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Edward? - (KNOCKING CONTINUES) Slop! You want to tell me why that's all you ever cook? It's what we can afford.
- (SLAPS) - (MOTHER WINCES) I gotta get out of here.
(DOOR SLAMS) (DOOR BREAKS) CAPTAIN STEDE: Edward! Ed? The Kraken didn't kill my dad.
I did.
If I'm honest I haven't killed another man since.
Not personally.
I mean I have seen you maim some people.
Maiming's different.
Love a good maim.
But I always outsource the big job.
And tonight I'm supposed to kill you.
I was supposed to burn off your face and take your identity.
And, um is that still on the cards, or? (RELIEVED SIGH) You don't belong in doggy heaven.
Doggy heaven? Is that a pirate term, or? I'm not a good person, Stede.
That's why I don't have any friends.
Hey I'm your friend.
- No.
- Listen, what if what if we just pretended that whole murder idea never happened? (SNIFFLES) We could? I mean, I could if you could.
I think I might like that.
(SIGHS) I would love that.
Thank you.
(PIRATES CHEERING) Bravo, everyone! So, uh, Blackbeard, what did you think? Wonderful Fuckery.
Scared the pants off me.
I thought Blackbeard didn't feel fear.
- And I didn't, until today.
- Whoa.
And you, what a voice! - Me? Oh, come on.
Don't tease me.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, he's not teasing.
You sounded like an angel.
- Well done.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) And Lucius! Quite the feat.
- Even though it was his hand.
- (LAUGHING) - Where is he? - Shh.
He's asleep.
Stede Bonnet! Draw your weapon.
- No, Izzy, we're not doing this.
- No, you're not doin' this so I must.
Stede fuckin' Bonnet I fuckin' challenge you to a fuckin' duel.
- Well, I accept your challenge.
- (ALL MURMURING) Uh, he's really pretty good.
Stede, be careful.
He does know his shit.
As do I.
You've taught me well.
Not that well.
I'm assuming standard duel rules apply.
What are those exactly? Let's make it interesting, shall we? The loser is banished from the ship if they're not dead.
Give a man a warning.
That was your warning.
Come on, Cap.
Psych him out.
That's it.
Wiggle the hips.
Nice, Captain.
Good, yes! (SWORDS CLANKING) (YELLS) FRENCHIE: Oh, you cheeky bitch.
(YELLING) Yield or die.
I choose this.
Aaah! - Oh! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Do it now! - Ha-ha! No! Stab him! For fuck's sake.
FRENCHIE: Come on, Captain! Ah Ah! (SWORD CLATTERS) So, it looks like we've arrived, Bonnet.
The end of the road.
All right let's call it a draw.
Nah, I'm good.
- (SCREAMS) - Ooh! Did I do it right? He missed all the important bits.
(GRUNTING) This mast it's made from the finest cherry wood in Brazil.
- It's rather strong, actually.
- Shut up! Don't you ever shut up, you rancid rat! (SWORD CRACKS) (BUTTONS LAUGHS) Well, now, Mr.
Reckon he's rendered your sword inoperable.
- By dueling tradition, that means - Stede wins! (ALL CHEERING) In your face, Jizzy! (CREW LAUGHING) Aaaaah! Well played, Cap'n.
So, is this it then? You're actually allowing this? You shouldn't've dueled him, Iz! We could've worked this out.
You will rue this day, Edward.
You will rue it long and you will rue it hard.
Hey made you a sandwich for the trip.
- (GRUNTS) - IVAN: Hey! - I would've eaten that.
- A fucking pox on all of you.
Well, that's that.
Not for nothing, but that guy really is a dick, huh? - (LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING) - Thank you.
Today we commit a piece of our beloved Lucius to the sea.
Begone, you foul thing! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - A tad inelegant.
He could've skimmed it like a stone or something festive.
So uh, listen.
I, I thought I was gonna lose you.
Oh yeah.
Well, you nearly did 'cause I had a really bad infection, so.
And, uh, and death, you know I'm used to death, but, um but not, um your death.
Uh, so, anyway, I, uh, made this for you.
It looks like a thumb, but it's a finger.
I whittled it.
It's, it's dumb.
You don't have to wear it.
I love it.
And I didn't know you whittled.
There's a lot you don't know about me.
Actually, that's kind of it.
(WINCES) - You good? - I, I would love it out.
The, uh, um, I I'll go get someone.
- Please.
- You keep breathin'.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
It's been a while.
(GRUNTING) So, I was thinking, um, should we serve food? Be a whole other revenue stream, you know? A theme night, or maybe Singles Night Shut the fuck up.
I don't pay you to think.
Food means kitchen, menus, waitstaff.
You think I wanna mess with a waitstaff? You think Jackie don't have enough overhead as it is? I've a more lucrative proposal in mind.
If you're open to it.
Get this man a drink.
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