Outmatched (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

Bad Guy

- Brian.
Hey, Brian.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
Can you do whatever this is quieter and never? Hello? [MUSIC STOPS.]
What are you doing? I'm using music to stimulate a colony of nocturnal smart plankton.
Why can't it ever just be a party? It is.
A plankton party.
- Please go to bed.
- I can't sleep.
Hey, buddy.
It's okay.
Brian's turned the music down.
It's not Brian, it's girl Brian.
Yori yoi denpa no ii basho ni ikimasu.
Why are you awake and dressed like you're halfway through a magic trick? I'm interviewing for an internship in Tokyo.
Can't it wait until tomorrow? In Tokyo, it is tomorrow.
I have show-and-tell soon.
You guys are killing me.
Okay, guys, this isn't a Greek diner.
We close here.
- But my plankton.
- But my thing that actually matters.
Okay, all right.
Fine, how much time do you need? Ten? 20? Just give me something I can take upstairs to your mom.
- What just happened? - I lost Wi-Fi.
The power is off for the night.
And maybe the water.
I don't know, I hit a lot of things.
It will come back on during normal human awake time.
To bed, all of you, now.
You're worse than the yakuza.
I don't know what Freud saw in his mother.
Well, I'm wide awake now.
I guess I'll go for a run.
Yeah, get me two glazed.
Okay, I don't always go to the donut store when I go for a r Okay, but if the jellies are fresh, you're gonna want one.
What are you looking for? Oh, the popcorn fundraiser starts today at Leila's school and I volunteered to bring the ribbons, but now I can't remember where I put them or why I volunteered.
That's funny.
I can't remember why I became a mom.
I guess we all have our stuff.
Brian and Nicole still mad at you about the other night? Well, Nicole just yelled at me in five different languages.
Russian hurt the most.
It's like being yelled at by a car that won't start.
But they did have a way I could make it up to them.
They sent me a 35-page proposal explaining why we should let them move out, into their own apartment.
Oh, man.
Are they out of their minds? We would never read 35 pages.
So, this is something else I'll have to say no to.
You know, it just really sucks.
Everything I do is for them, and the thanks I get is them hating me for it.
Yeah, well, it's tough.
Got to have a thick skin to be in this bidness.
Like you would know.
You're Mr.
"20 more minutes" or "Let's hear them out" or "I would say yes if it weren't for merp-merp.
" I am merp-merp.
All right, look, if I'm being honest, I think that you can be a little trigger-happy with the noes.
Sometimes I think you actually like being the bad guy.
No one likes being the bad guy.
But I have to do it because how should I put this? [CLUCKING.]
What is happening? Why are you a chicken? You are scared of having the kids be mad at you.
You need to be liked, which means I have to be the bad guy because you can't handle it.
Excuse me.
I can be the bad guy.
Okay? I'll prove it.
I'm gonna go up there right now and I am gonna tell them that there is no way they are moving out of this house.
Because-because I am the opposite of a chicken.
I'm a-a Uh, what's the bravest bird? Uh Owls are wise, uh, penguins are fancy? Turkeys are kind of sassy.
- Are you stalling? - It started out that way, but now I really want to crack this bird thing.
The devastation is catastrophic.
You know you'll have to kill any survivors.
Leila, what did we learn from Chernobyl? The mistake wasn't the meltdown, it was letting word get out.
NICOLE: Mom, did you have a chance to review the material we sent over regarding our exciting living opportunity? We also have a hard copy.
Actually, your mom filled me in, and unfortunately, it's going to be Mike, these are our profoundly gifted children.
I think we should hear them out.
MIKE: I see.
Throwing my words back at me.
Aren't you the sassiest of turkeys? Brother, you have the floor.
If the other night has taught us anything, it's that our current living situation is untenable.
Or what you might call a bummer.
It's clear Brian and I need more space and freedom to reach our full potential.
We need to be able to make calls on an international schedule, to grow whatever we need in the bathtub and we can finally have our own refrigerator to ensure that our liquid nitrogen doesn't get used to make Jell-O shots.
And frankly, anything we need you guys for, we can do on our phones.
Rides, meal delivery, and for emotional needs, you can still call us.
So, what do you think? Pretty convincing.
Yeah, I don't know how you can say no to that.
Well, I'm out.
Looks like you're gonna be pretty busy here, so I'm gonna take Leila's popcorn thing.
Come on, Leils.
That felt like a yes from Mom.
Yeah, I now really see how unhelpful that quality is.
This really means a lot to us, Dad.
I appreciate all the thought and work that you have put into this, but I-I have to say yes.
Really? T-Thank you.
But really, the answer is no.
What? I-I know you're gonna hate me for this, so I just wanted to bank some love.
What is wrong with you? You would lie to your children for a hug? And it worked.
Let's celebrate.
In a few days, they'll forget all about this.
We have photographic memories.
I remember things from the womb.
That's not possible.
You used to sing that to me.
I didn't care for it.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? Doesn't Mike usually come to this kind of stuff? Oh, he's home proving a point to himself that's gonna ruin his weekend.
So I get to have some mindless fun with my mindless child.
- That's a compliment.
- Yeah.
Well, if you're looking for fun, you come to the wrong place.
'Cause this is where fun comes to die, then gets fried in butter and put in these little bags.
The vibe in here is a little untenable.
I just learned that means bummer.
Well, you can thank Kourtney Kamanski for that.
She's the president of the PTA.
KAY: Why is she making that woman count unpopped kernels? Doesn't she know this is just a volunteer popcorn party? Hmm, yeah.
Somebody need to tell her.
You need to tell her.
- Huh? - Oh, this is a perfect job for you.
Oh, no.
You can take her down.
Why me? Why does everyone think I want to pick fights and be the bad guy? No.
I am not doing this.
Besides, I'm sure she's not that bad.
That's 927 kernels.
- Good.
Now do it again and get it right this time.
Well, it is a school.
People should know how to count.
Hey, guys.
Who's hungry? I made my famous three-eese grilled cheese.
Except it's only got two cheeses, it's microwaved and one of the cheeses is love.
Let me guess, the second we reach for it, you rip it out of our mouths because you don't think we're mature enough to chew? Yeah, well, I can chew with the best of them, mister.
Okay, I get it.
You guys are still mad at me.
Whatever, it-it's fine.
We're not mad at you, Michael.
BRIAN: Based on our projections, our anger won't fully actualize until tomorrow.
Then the animosity builds from there.
By 2024, I'll be watching you guys enjoy Thanksgiving from my parked car outside? Be grateful.
By 2025, you don't even have a car.
Hey, guys, guys.
Come on.
Don't you think you're being a little unfair? We're unfair? You didn't even read this before euthanizing our idea.
This house is a kill shelter for our hopes and dreams.
We addressed every possible issue.
Safety, practicality.
We even called the financial section "money stuff" so you'd understand.
W-What is that number? - That's the rent for the year.
- What? That says $15,000.
W-Why would you think we can afford that? Well, based on your estimated income, 401K, an approximation of your investment portfolio We don't have any of that stuff.
So we don't have money for the new apartment? [LAUGHS.]
: N-No, we don't.
And-and that is the real reason why I said no before.
Look, if you guys want to be mad at me, that-that's fine.
I totally understand.
But just know that you can never be more mad at me than I am at myself.
It's already 2024 on your chart [WHISPERS.]
: in here.
Oh, Dad.
- Your secret shame.
- Oh Thanks, Bri.
Come on, Nicole, bring it in.
Luckily, hugs are free.
Quick follow-up: If you're saying the money's the real issue, what if Brian and I could get it? What? Yeah.
The live-work loft is on hold until Friday.
Based off what you're saying, if we get the money, you'd sign off? That does seem to be where we're at.
But yeah.
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
If the two of you, who have been burning money since the second I made you [CHUCKLES.]
can make $15,000 by Friday, then, yeah.
Happy housewarming! [CHUCKLES.]
- Huzzah! - Thanks, Dad.
You're the best.
No, you you guy You're the best.
There he stood.
Proud, despite his folly.
It was the first time I recall feeling shame for my father.
But it would not be the last.
Marc, don't narrate with your mouth full.
Popcorn shot.
- Ooh.
Hair of the dog.
- Uh-huh.
Popcorn misuse.
That's going in the log.
I know that look.
That's the same look that came right before the gym teacher's wife ripped your earrings out.
Well, maybe I should say a little something.
Yes! There she is.
There's my girl.
- But - Mmm? I am going to be nice.
Okay, yeah.
Whatever, you know.
Just open your mouth.
See what comes out.
Go ahead.
Hey Kourtney.
I just want to talk to you, you know? About how things are run around here.
Before she keeps talking, I would like to go on record that I don't know this bitch.
What was that? Look, I know it's hard being the one in charge.
You know, you're the one keeping everyone in line.
And the thanks you get is everyone hates you for it.
What? Everyone hates me? Well, um, obviously, you're not the most popular person here, but you must have known that.
I mean, you made Rachael cry.
I thought that's because her husband is cheating on her.
- Never mind.
- No.
I understand now.
I don't need to be somewhere I'm not wanted.
Good luck raising the money to get the raccoons out of the music room.
Whoo! Yes! That is my girl! So, you really laid into Kourtney, huh? Leila said you "owned her ass.
" It was an accidental owning.
I was trying to be nice.
Two pair.
On the bright side, now that Kourtney's gone, tomorrow might actually be fun.
And if it's not, you can always find another stranger to yell at.
Tough talk from someone who I guess told our teenagers they could move out of the house.
I didn't say they could move out.
I said they could move out "if.
" I knew you'd "if" this up.
Admit it.
You can't handle them being mad at you, so you crumbled.
No no.
I just figured out a better way.
See, we don't have to be the bad guy.
Reality can be the bad guy.
See, the good news is, we brought the kids into a cruel world that shoots down people's dreams all the time.
Why should we say no when that fat blue jerk, the world, will do it for us? You're not worried they might call your bluff and get the money? How? I couldn't get $15,000 by Friday if I found $14,000 and a magic lamp.
Might as well just call me Uncle Jesse, 'cause full house.
Royal flush.
You know what that means.
Oh, wait.
Do it slow.
Whoo! What's going on? Why isn't popcorn happening? Well, without Kourtney, we don't really know what we're supposed to do.
We're like a bunch of high school kids trying to sell a suitcase of cocaine that we found in the woods.
Well, we figured that out, we can figure this out.
Come on, guys.
We are all adults here.
We can do this ourselves, and we're gonna have to, because Kourtney is gone and not coming back.
She's right.
Without Kourtney here, we don't even need to be here.
No, um, n At least leave the donuts! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Mike-Mike? Hey.
What is this? Some crazy genius science stuff? What are they getting at today? A pill that takes the hair from your back - and puts it on your head? - [CHUCKLES.]
Actually, they are starting a coffee business.
Oh, excellent.
Another guinea pig.
Try this.
Mmm! - Mmm.
- Brian.
The Sumatra's a hit! Mmm [SPITS.]
Crap! That was terrible.
And I'm not even picky.
I once found a glove in a salad, and I just ate around it.
My kids might be smart, but they have no common sense.
They actually think they're gonna make $15,000 selling coffee? When this blows up and they don't get the apartment, I'm still the good guy.
Yeah, Mike, but you could've just told me that without letting me drink this hot cup of garbage.
Why am I getting trade confirmation alerts from my investment account? I'm no wolf of Wall Street, but sounds like someone's confirming trades.
For an account I opened three years ago, with 20 bucks and then immediately lost the password? - What are you buying? - I don't know.
Seems like, uh shares of coffee! Wait, M-Mike, Mike.
Should my mouth be numb? I think this coffee broke my mouth! - Hi.
- Hey, how was Stick up a multiplex? Nope.
Popcorn Day, which apparently never ends, - blew up in my face.
- Oh.
Well, not gonna say "I told you so", and I hope you remember that.
I also hope you remember that we love each other unconditionally, in a legally binding way.
Oh, and you screwed up with the kids.
Yeah, maybe.
But at worst, it's white collar crime, and I've seen those prisons.
Nicer than this house.
Well, we can say adiós to the Spanish Club's money.
We've got bigger problems.
This algorithm's got us $1,300 in the hole.
We need more cash.
Think! What's the name of that guy that didn't invite you to his bar mitzvah? Be more specific.
Zack Rosenfeld.
He's swimming in gift cards.
I'll make the call.
Zach, baby, mazel! Excuse me, uh, h-hello? What are you two doing? I keep getting investment alerts on my phone.
Nicole developed a stock market algorithm to crack the coffee market.
Hey, Dad.
How would you like to be a part of an exciting new investment opportunity? Okay.
Why were you having us taste all those terrible coffees? It was research.
We had to figure out the worst ones, so we could sell them short.
Oh, so you're gonna listen to your mommy now? I don't care what your rabbi says, you're not a man! Zack's out! Well, your stupid algorithm keeps buying us worthless futures with money we don't have.
It wasn't ready to go live.
This isn't the algorithm's fault.
It's yours.
Coffee was your ridiculous idea.
I wanted soy beans.
Soy beans? I can't believe I was gonna live with someone who thought soy beans were a growth market.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right.
Calm down.
We can figure this out.
What if you guys made a pill that could take the hair from your back and put it on your head? Trading floor's closed! Here's what happens now: you're grounded, you're not moving out, and you're going to pay back all of that money.
And if you want to hate me for this, you can hate me, I don't care.
Thank you so much, Mom.
NICOLE: We need boundaries.
Now, go downstairs and hose down your sister.
She is covered in butter! How great was that hug? Can you describe it to me? IRWIN: Can somebody help me, 'cause it's really dark down here! Hey.
Good news.
I smoothed everything over with Kourtney.
Just flashed a smile, a little Mike Bennett charm, and signed up for four back-to-back shifts in the dunk tank at the Spring Fling.
It's kind of helpful having a husband with a compulsive need to be liked.
Also pretty great having a wife who likes shutting things down, and doesn't mind that people are terrified of her.
Well, it worked out today.
You screwed up so hard, they actually hugged me.
So I guess I kind of owe you.
How you gonna pay me back? Well I did figure out what kind of bird you are.
A dirty bird.
Come on, Kay, I I was excited there.
I thought you really figured out what bird I was.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to start something.
No, I know, I know, I know, just, you really got my hopes up.
I've really been trying to crack this bird thing.
Fine! You're a - a toucan.
- Oh, my God.
Toucans are sell-out! It's like you don't even know me.
Are we seriously not having sex because of birds? I am not having sex with someone who thinks that I am a toucan!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode