Outsourced (2010) s01e07 Episode Script

I love water pistols.
As a child, my cousin and I filled our guns in the river and played all day.
Oh, sounds like fun.
Oh, it was.
Until he shot me in the mouth.
I had dysentery all summer.
Is Todd around? Not in yet.
What is this? That, my acquaintances, is a water balloon launcher.
Right on the edge between toy and weapon, like a .
22 caliber rifle.
How does it work? Like a whore on nickel night.
Ah.
It gets the job done.
Whoa.
Are you sure this is a good idea? Who cares? What are you guys, the good idea gang? Now check this out.
That hotel down the block is about to get a rooftop pool.
- Oh! - Ha ha! Oh.
What? I didn't see where it landed.
This just feels dangerous.
Come on, it's fun.
Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh-oh, it is fun.
- okay, thank you very much.
Good-bye.
Hey! Charlie, Charlie.
You'll never believe what happened on Saturday.
You kissed Asha.
What? It got out? Are people talking about it? You left me a drunk voice mail.
No, no, I don't think so.
That's not my style.
Charlie horse, what up! It's the t-o-double-d.
Guess where my tongue was last night? You can imagine my disappointment when I found out it was only a kiss.
It was more than just a kiss.
A week ago, Asha was locked into this whole arranged marriage thing.
This is a game-changer.
I don't know if she's the one.
Sounds to me like you've got feelings for someone else.
What? Charlie, I love you, man! You're the best.
Makes me sad you need alcohol to say that.
Gupta.
Todd, seize him.
Seize him? Guys, what's going on? Sir, this barnyard animal is chewing paan in the office.
Paan? What's paan? It's a betel leaf with tobacco and spices.
Oh, like chewing tobacco? Yes, it's a disgusting habit of weak-minded people.
I used to chew.
Ten years ago, you'd never see old Charlie walking around without a lip full of dip.
Quitting those warm, minty mouth hugs was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Gupta is wasting company time on this vileness, leaving his desk every ten minutes to spit.
- Is this true, Gupta? - Liar.
- Open your mouth at once.
- Gupta, is this true? Ur accusations make me sick to my stomach.
Gupta, did you just swallow that? Oh, man.
I remember that look.
In about five seconds he's gonna hurl.
Five Four Three Two One.
What exactly happens at a Bollywood concert? Movie stars perform songs from their hit movies.
all hot girls put your hands up and say Okay, okay.
It's like that but without the sweating and the button about to pop off.
Oh, I know I have to get it stitched.
Sir? I've been meaning to ask you.
Do you think I can leave just a tiny bit early tonight so I can go to the concert? You have tickets? That's great! Yeah, of course you can leave early.
Thank you, but I could never get tickets.
I'm going to stand outside the concert and put my hand up against the wall to feel the music.
And that'll be a good time for you? Just knowing that Hrithik Roshan is on the other side of the wall dancing without his shirt is about as much as I can handle.
Todd.
Hmm, what's up? I saw a folder on Asha's desk that had Manmeet, you shouldn't be looking at other people's personal things.
It's a violation of their privacy, and as your manager I Yeah, okay, they're gone.
Tell me everything.
The folder was filled with the resumes of potential suitors.
She's begun the arranged marriage process, Todd, and you are about to lose her, man.
What? I just kissed her.
You know what, I think I know what this is.
She's felt the same thing I did, and it freaked her out.
Think about it, she kisses me, and now she's rushing to find a husband.
That's no coincidence.
I mean, do arranged marriages usually move this fast? - They can.
- Ugh! That's why I don't want an arranged marriage.
I need to live first, you know? I want to kiss a girl in the rain in Paris.
I want to tango all night with a beautiful woman in Buenos Aires.
And I want just one spring break at the comfort inn in south padre.
How do you even know about that? Last week a sorority girl called to order our king Kong beer bong and said I could crash on their floor.
What does that mean? Well, it means there are so many girls sleeping in a room there aren't enough beds.
Hey, they'd have to double up on the showers too.
Sir, I just saw Gupta put some paan in his mouth.
He told me he quit.
He was just telling you what you wanted to hear.
All right, well, why don't you keep an eye on him and make sure he really stops? All right, but it won't be easy.
Nobody quits paan cold chicken.
Cold turkey.
Cold lentil.
I do not understand this game.
You know what, I've got an idea.
Come on.
Gah, there's gotta be, like, Dentist, hindu, 5'7".
- Engineer, punja - Punjabi.
Punjabi, wheatish complexion.
What's wheatish complexion? - That means he's light-skinned.
That's more desirable to some women.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, come on, I out-pale all these guys.
What? This mahesh is a keeper, man.
Look, pediatrician, And what's important to him in a relationship is trust and honesty.
Ah, so generic.
Nobody believes in trust and honesty.
You don't think she'll notice if I rip this up, do you? Actually, actually, let me keep it.
I have a sister.
Gosh, I can't believe it comes down to this.
I'm so much better on paper than all these guys.
But, Todd, if you're not in the folder, you're not even in the running.
I want an Indian name that has a cool meaning.
My cousin's name means "bliss.
" Oh, that's perfect.
Use that.
Wait, what's the name? Sukhdeep.
No, I'm not going to be sukhdeep.
Okay, how about Pradeep? It means "glory.
" Sold.
Pradeep it is.
What do you do for a living, Pradeep? International business manager.
Tell her you're a sheriff.
The badge, the gun, gets a lady's motor running.
No, no, Charlie, you're missing the point.
It's got to be the Indian version of me.
Manmeet will slip this file into her folder.
That way when Asha picks Pradeep's profile, she's really picking me.
That'll prove that I'm right for her.
- I'm just saying you need to up-sell.
Pradeep's a bounty hunter, millionaire playboy with a massive unit.
You know what, Charlie, why don't you just do your own form and I'll do mine? I'm just trying to help you with the language.
I've been on all these websites.
Jdate, adult friend finder, the lifestyle - Charlie - Russian bride, the no-fatty club, the fatty club.
So moving on, put down that I graduated top in my class, national honor society, - captain of the soccer team - Oh, come on.
You're trying to get into Asha, not Notre Dame.
I'm telling you, you got to up-sell.
No, I want it to be as close to the real me as possible.
Wake up, man.
No one tells the truth on these things.
"Down-to-earth" means "poor.
" "Separated" means "married.
" And for the love of God, if a woman says she's got an athletic build, don't get into a hot tub until you're sure she's got an innie and not an outtie.
Yeah.
Just make sure.
Hey, Asha, can you come here for a second? I just need you to sign your pay stub for me.
I thought I did already.
Thank you.
Someone's dancing with the devil's crop.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, you're doing the paan.
You got that dumb stare and drool coming out the side of your mouth.
Oh, come on, man, I've been there.
I was so addicted I'd throw in a pinch before I got out of bed.
Finally hit rock bottom when I looked in the mirror and my teeth were stained brown and my gums were bleeding.
Ugh.
That was the last day I ever chewed tobacco.
But this has coconut, maraschino cherries.
You can really taste the coconut.
This tea is hot.
I repeat, this tea is hot.
Sorry, I've got a song stuck in my head.
Tea is hot.
Tea is hot.
How's it going, brother? It looks like someone just fell "pradeeply" in love.
This tea is cold.
I repeat, this tea is Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Hey, Asha, what you got there? I'm just paying some bills.
Oh, really? Looks like the bio data forms you were telling me about.
I still don't get how you can pick a husband off a piece of paper.
I mean, like, what's wrong with this guy? Pradeep.
Glory.
I mean, why'd he end up in the trash? Oh, Todd, he scratched out his first name.
He can barely write.
Well, yeah, but look.
I mean, he's educated and ambitious.
Ooh, wheatish complexion.
When you've read as many of these as I have, you learn to read between the lines.
Top of his class? Captain of the high school soccer team? College in America? The guy's just bragging about what he's done.
He's not telling me who he is.
Maybe he's just so awesome you didn't know how to handle it.
Well, you don't know my parents.
And they already think I'm moving too slowly.
And a month ago, they gave me tickets for tonight's Bollywood concert, and they expect me to go with one of these guys.
Well, I think you're moving too quickly.
I mean, you almost threw away a winner here in Pradeep.
Look at that, four years of Spanish under his belt.
Que bueno.
Tu eres muy simpatico.
Chica.
Todd, I have to do this.
Maybe you should go out with Pradeep.
Maybe I will.
Ay dios mio.
Idiota.
It's over, Gupta.
No, no, it's not what you think.
You left your desk to buy paan? I would terminate you now if Todd would let me.
Hey, buzzkill, leave him alone.
You're not the boss of him.
Yes! Actually he is.
You? I thought you quit.
You know what paan does? Stains teeth and causes cancer.
Please, friends, that's what toothbrushes and doctors are for.
Look, I know this stuff is bad, but I need to relax and right now this is doing it.
I got corporate breathing down my neck, employees that don't know what they're doing.
You have no idea what it's like to run a call center.
You can really taste the coconut.
Good night, guys.
Have a good one.
Madhuri, what are you still doing here? I thought you were gonna leave early for the concert, get your spot on the wall.
Oh, I don't have to.
Asha gave me her other ticket.
Asha gave you her ticket? - So she's taking you? - Yes.
Let me get this straight, you're going together? - Yes.
- You and asha.
You haven't seen me outside of work.
I cut loose in the most dramatic way.
Todd, Todd.
Look, look.
Asha threw the whole folder away.
She didn't pick anyone.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
She's taking Madhuri to the concert with her.
Huh, you know what this means? I still got a shot! All right, we're going up high.
I'll meet you there, man.
Oh, man, no more Pradeep.
No more tip-toeing around.
It's time for me to cowboy up.
You're not going to wear any underwear? - No, that's going commando.
- Oh.
No, I just mean it's time for me to take action.
You know, I've liked asha since the second I saw her.
If I don't tell her that now, she's gonna be married off to some gupta before I get a chance.
You must tell her now.
Here, take my ticket.
Go to her.
No, Madhuri, I can't ask you to miss the Bollywood show.
But you're letting me be part of a real life Bollywood show.
She's like Aishwariya Rai and you are like Abishek Bachan.
Who? They're like an American celebrity couple without all the side fornication and adopted babies.
Oh.
Madhuri, I I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.
Is there any way I can repay you? Perhaps you could drop me off at the wall? - Of course.
- And What? If Mr.
Hrithik Roshan takes his shirt off when he dances, could you snap a photo for me? No, don't.
Yes, do.
No it's your choice.
Please choose yes.
Asha! Todd? What are you doing here? I had to see you.
There's a reason you couldn't find a guy in that stack of papers.
The one you're looking for is standing right in front of you.
I want to teach you the entire Kama Sutra.
Oh, I can't wait.
You don't have to.
Who is she? If my legs start to cramp, I don't want to leave you hanging.
Oh, my God, I love you! And you better start stretching, because We're doing e-5.
- E-5.
E-5.
I can't find e-5.
- E-5.
E-5.
E-5.
Sir? I am saying to you, e-5.
You need to take your seat.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Just look at us.
Work ended hours ago, and we are still enjoying each other's company.
I have something to say.
You two guys are officially my best friends.
- I need to quit.
- Me too.
Okay, I'll quit.
Will you help me down? What are you doing here? Madhuri gave me her ticket.
I had to talk to you.
What, now? The show's about to start.
Look, I saw all those bio data forms in the trash.
I know you didn't find someone.
When we kissed, I know you felt something.
So before you go off and marry some guy you've never even met, you have to give me a shot.
I found someone to marry.
But you threw away all the forms.
I threw them away because I think I found the one.
His name is Sunil.
He was supposed to come tonight, but we spoke on the phone.
- I'm so sorry.
- Right.
I think I understand why you fought so hard for Pradeep.
He is a great catch.
He's funny, and he's sweet, and he's handsome.
And even if I kissed Pradeep once and it was amazing, Sunil wants to marry me, and I want to honor the wishes of my family.
I'm sorry.
No, no, it's okay.
You know, the classic excuse.
You know, "it's not you, it's me and the 10,000 years of tradition.
" Todd.
Don't worry about it.
We're good, we're good.
Let's just enjoy the show.
If you believe in love, clap your hands! If you are here with the one you love, hold their hands.
I'm sorry, we couldn't get seats together.
Now tell that special person, tell them you love them.
Again, I'm sorry.
I love you so much.
Dance with me all night! Dance! I'm so sorry.
Gupta told me what happened with you and asha at the show.
How does Gupta know? He wasn't there.
Manmeet told him.
How does Manmeet know? From Gurpreet.
And Gurpreet from Ajeet.
Is there anyone whose name ends in "eet" that doesn't know what happened last night? I feel responsible for giving you my ticket.
This was supposed to end like a Bollywood movie.
I thought by now we would be celebrating your love with a coordinated dance.
Hey, madhuri, don't feel bad for me.
You know, I took my shot.
It didn't work out.
End of story.
Are you about to cry? No, I just saw something sad earlier.
- What was it? - This.
Oh, I'm gonna be fine, you know? I'm gonna suck it up, and I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna do my job.
And it's not gonna be awkward with asha.
Very not awkward.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
You first.
Thanks.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't that bad.
No, I was just thinking of a bird who flew to the other side of the world to find love only to be rejected and suffer awkward moments by the sink.
You are the bird.
Fresh paan.
Don't quit now.
Two-for-one sale.
What's wrong with you guys? We are rehabilitating ourselves.
We are trying to quit paan.
Are those our shock pens? Yep.
Last time I quit the dip I'd snap myself with a rubber band whenever I felt the urge to chew, but this stuff, coconut, maraschino cherry Think I'm out of juice! Agh! You spring for those flowers? No, guessing they're from some other guy.
Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine.
Ooh.
Totally fine.
Totally fine.