Outsourced (2010) s01e19 Episode Script

Is there, like, a riot or something? - A riot.
No, just a celebrity sighting.
- He's a world-record holder Very famous.
Come.
- Oh, there he is The fingernail guy.
- No, no, no.
That's just a guy with long fingernails.
- Oh, then who's the record holder? It's kind of Hard to tell where he's pointing.
Gupta, what are you doing? - Oh, he's got the longest mustache in the world.
I want a souvenir.
- Morning.
- Now there's gonna be a riot.
- Okay, thank you very much, please.
Good-bye.
- Sir, I was hoping you could approve my vacation request.
- Oh.
Ah! That's like a 14-day bone-a-thon.
- Bone-a-thon? Is that some filthy American slang? - No, no.
It's it's just, um The emotions when you're in love are more than skin-deep.
It goes all the way to the bone.
And marriage isn't a sprint.
It's a marathon.
So when you combine the deep emotions with the marathon That's how you get the bone-a-thon.
- I like that.
It sounds beautiful.
- Just make sure you stay hydrated.
Um, so did you guys plan on where you're going yet? - I have it all figured out.
We are going to Goa.
The beaches there are so beautiful.
Which resort are you staying at? We're staying at my uncle's house to save money.
He's a bellhop at one of the finest resorts in the area.
He'll sneak us into breakfast, sneak us to the pool.
All we have to do is wear white coats and fold the occasional towel.
- Rajiv, Vimi is gonna remember this forever.
And even if you don't have money to spend, you can still do something romantic.
- So what is Sunil doing for your honeymoon? - He's, um he's hired a houseboat in Kerala Just the two of us floating down the river, looking up at the stars, planning our lives together.
- Sounds like a real bone-a-thon.
Uh That's totally inappropriate.
- Uh-oh.
That's a habanero The hottest pepper in America.
I suggest you walk away.
Ah.
I don't even need the milk.
Your turn.
- Oh, no, not again.
- What are they doing? - Playing pepper roulette.
Don't even try to pick a winner.
Everybody loses, especially the janitor.
- Charlie, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it.
That is one of our ghost peppers The strongest pepper in the world.
Think of your bumhole.
- It's been through worse than this.
- As a friend, I'm telling you, don't eat it.
There's no way an American can handle the heat.
- I'm not doing this for me.
I'm doing this for every American who ever gets sent to a foreign country to run a call center and finds himself in a pepper-eating contest with a local.
God bless America.
- Okay.
Oh! - Okay, drink the milk.
Don't be a hero.
You don't want to throw up on your suit.
- Hey, why are you wearing a suit, Charlie? - All American hunter is going out of business.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, man.
- Oh, it's okay.
- "I've got a job interview, the manager call center at Sultry and" "Silky and sultry lingerie.
" I got it.
- Charlie, do you know anything about lingerie? - Unfortunately, my mom would drink too much and not wear a robe, so I know what works And what doesn't.
Oh, God, it burns.
- There's a bathroom down the hall to the Oh, he's not gonna make it.
- Thank you for saving my spot, Madhuri.
- There are people waiting in line, you can't just come in and - I'll take one, and give one to the lady.
- Thank you, rajiv.
- Two checks.
- Would you care for some fresh goat milk? - Two new goats, Rakesh? Business must be booming.
- Well, I got a loan for the business.
- What bank would give you a loan? - No bank.
An American charity called "Karmic Cash.
" They help out small-business owners that need money to survive.
Check out this website, hmm? - This is brilliant.
They've finally made white guilt accessible to the whole world.
I wonder if they could help pay for my honeymoon.
- Rajiv, you can't do that.
That money is for people who are struggling to get by.
- Good point, Madhuri.
I'll make up a fake business.
I just need to make it sound really sad and pathetic.
Maybe after work, you can tell me about your life on the streets.
- I'm not from the streets.
- Okay, fine.
You can tell me about growing up in the orphanage.
- I have a family that loves me.
That is the level of commitment I need for my lie.
- Hey, Charlie.
How'd your job interview go? - Well, I started strong.
Bikinis, cheekies, garters, hip-huggers, g-string, thong I know your whole catalog like the back of my hand.
- Well, you've certainly prepared for our meeting.
- Oh, believe me.
I know women's undergarments, like you, for instance I'm guessing minimizer, flat-panel front.
That'd be the right call for a gal your size.
Oh, no, don't take that the wrong way.
It's no big deal.
You know, I wear compression shorts to hold in my gut.
See? I just insulted you and pulled down my pants.
I'm not getting the job, am I? Any chance you're lovin' this? - No.
- You know, you could've just told me, Charlie.
- Todd, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Well, you can start by pulling up your pants.
- There are no management positions at any of the call centers.
Hell, there aren't any positions at all.
- Well, you must have some savings, right? - Not so much.
I got a lot of expenses.
I have my food shipped from America.
There's my gun collection.
Plus, it's my birthday tomorrow, and I just splurged on night-vision goggles.
- Why would you buy night-vision goggles? - I like to watch things at night when people don't know I'm there.
I'm sorry if that's creepy for you.
- Okay.
Well, I'll keep an eye out for any job openings.
- Todd, Todd, have a seat.
- I hate to ask you, but is there anything at your call center? - No, no.
No, no.
- Just gonna personalize my desk.
- Oh, yeah, go for it.
Paperweight.
Mm, nice month.
- Relax.
It's a staple gun.
- Letter opener.
- You know, most people just have good-luck charms and stuffed animals.
- Oh, I have a good-luck charm Rabbit's foot.
And here's the rest of him.
- Oh, my God.
- It's the first thing I ever shot.
It's not a pretty kill, but, you know What can you expect from a four-year-old? - Gupta.
- Hmm? - You want a snack? Take it in the break room.
This is not your living room.
Manmeet Asha, stop making the milkshakes.
All the boys are already in the yard.
- Excuse me? - This is a workplace, not the chicken ranch.
- I still don't get it.
- Hey, Charlie, uh You're a little out of line.
You're not the manager here I am.
- I'm just trying to help out.
- Well, you shouldn't be the one telling people what to do.
It undermines my authority.
- I feel like that is kind of my thing.
Right? - Look, I'm doing you a favor.
Your job is to answer the phones.
Answer the phones.
- I have a caller who wants to talk to a manager.
- I got it.
Right.
Answer the phones.
- Manmeet.
- Hmm? I know.
Back to work.
- No, wait.
I just want to talk, dude, bro, ho homey.
- What do you want, Rajiv? - It's nothing, really.
I just need to take a picture of you dressed as a tiffin delivery boy.
- You're just like that German tourist, you sick bastard.
- No, please, I-I need your help.
I can't get a loan for my honeymoon, so I'm trying to trick a charity into paying for it.
- What are you paying me? - Nothing.
I'm asking you for a favor.
- Well, the German tourist offered me 5,000 rupees and a game of rubba-dubba.
- Please I would do it myself, but I cannot take the chance that my future father-in-law will see my picture online.
- I'm not the right guy.
You need someone people feel sorry for.
You need the most pathetic person you can find.
- I can't believe it Employee of the month.
I'll be the first one in the calendar.
- Sure you will.
A little to the left.
Left.
- Huh? - A little more.
A little more.
- I'm not loving it.
Do you mind if I fix you a little? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Please.
Why should I wear a hat? I'm gonna look like a tiffin delivery guy.
- Not sad enough.
What if I told you there was no bonus for being employee of the month? What if I lied? - But I already spent it.
- That's the stuff! - Will you hold, please? Hey, boss I got a customer on the line, needs to talk to a manager.
- This is Todd.
How can I help you? Yes, we ship anywhere in the U.
S.
Your phone operator should've told you that.
Hang on while I transfer you to another one right now.
Charlie.
It says in the catalog we ship anywhere in the U.
S.
- Yeah, but I wasn't sure if that was only contiguous, and I didn't want to overstep my bounds.
After all, I just answer the phones.
- I know what you're doing.
- And I know what I'm doing.
I've been managing call centers for the last decade, training hundreds of phone operators.
- Okay.
Well, let me ask you this.
If you were managing here and you had to deal with someone like yourself, how would you do it? - I'd listen to his ideas, 'cause he's got a world of experience.
- Well, you have been doing this a lot longer than I have, so whenever you have something that you want to run by me, I'm all ears.
- That's great.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got a million of them.
"Gift certificates for the top salesman.
" - Okay.
- "Put all the desks facing each other to create more competition.
" - Mm-hmm.
- "Final exam, teeth falling out, Debbie Butler naked.
" Oh, sorry.
It's also my dream journal.
Oh, this dream's about you.
I'm straight, but it happens.
It was beautiful.
We were flying over the Grand Canyon.
We were holding hands, but nothing, you know, like You know.
- All right.
- That's it for now.
Yeah.
- Yes, my darling Vimi, I am in the process of planning the most amazing honeymoon.
Oh, hold on.
That's my other line.
Hello? - Mr.
Gidwani, this is Marcy Donovan from Karmic Cash.
- Hello.
What can I do for you, good madam? - I'm calling to let you know that we have accepted your application.
- That is the most wonderful news.
I will be able to feed all ten of my children.
- Your application said you had nine kids.
- It's been a long week.
- Okay.
Well, I just have to meet you in person to verify your business.
I know it's insulting, but we've had some fraudulent applications in the past.
- Really? That makes me sick to my little, empty belly.
Any chance we can do this by phone? - No, we need to meet in person.
That's not a problem, is it? - I am not dressing up as a tiffin delivery man again.
- I respect your moral standard.
But I believe you have a price, name it.
- You have to actually make me employee of the month.
And I want my picture on the wall, so everyone knows it's me.
- Okay.
Or What if I made you employee of the year with no picture, and I'm the only one who knows? - A whole year? - I'm just saying, I think he'd be perfect for koala airlines.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- Charlie working for me? You want me to hire someone who's infatuated with me? - No, no.
He's over you.
He doesn't even ask for pictures of you naked anymore.
- Really? So he's just given up.
He's not stalking someone else, is he? - Oh! What what is that? - Uh, that looks like it's coming from your office.
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What what the hell is going on, man? - This is one of my incentive ideas.
Every time you make a sale, you get to toot your own horn.
- I just sold a dozen cans of silly string! - Yes, if I could just take Sorry Gupta! Gupta! Gupta! I can't hear myself think! - Okay, all right, everyone take five.
- Asha I'm sorry if I frustrated you.
- You know, Gupta, sometimes I think that you just don't consider other people - Are you out of your mind? - Ringing a bell when you make a sale is a classic.
I just updated it.
- No one can hear what they're doing.
This is the worst idea ever.
Charlie, this isn't working.
- Okay, so we won't do the air horn.
- No, I mean, this Isn't working.
Happy Birthday, Charlie! - Oh.
Hey, Charlie.
Sorry that it didn't work out.
Nothing to apologize for.
Come on, man, let's go out and celebrate.
Celebrate what I got nothing.
No wife, no kids no career.
I'm, doing a job I did 20 years ago, going backwards.
Look, thisthis is just a fork in the road, man.
I read somewhere that most men go through like five careers in their lives I am way past that.
Worked at Blockbuster, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell combination Pizza and Taco Bell.
I was a security guard I had one amazing night as a Chippendales dancer.
- Ha ha.
- I got fired.
Not before I invented the helicopter.
- It's where I swing it around.
- Yeah I get it.
Of course my first job at home sales.
So I'm right back where I started.
- You know what? I think you're just depressed because it's your birthday.
- I could die tomorrow, and no one would even know who Charlie Davies was.
No one will remember me.
- You'll be remembered.
Think of all the women you hit on.
People always remember traumatic events.
- That all you got? - Yeah.
- So, miss Donovan, if Karmic Cash can help me get a loan, I'll be able to afford a scooter and deliver twice as many of these tiffins.
It will be a blessing for me and my family.
- Well, judging from what I've seen here today, Mr.
Gidwani, there's no reason why you shouldn't be on our website.
- Ha! That's great! So, thank you for your time But I really should be getting back to work, so - Oh, good! You know, I was wondering how you balance all of those on a bicycle, and now I'll get to see.
- Oh! I'd I'd love to show you, but there are no deliveries on Wednesdays.
- But I thought you said you had to get back to work? - Bookkeeping day.
- Get on the bike, Mr.
Gidwani.
- No problem.
I just have to Ah Yes, yes.
Oh, I just have to maintain my balance and keep my back straight.
Oh, oh, oh! Ha! Ah! Whoa.
As you can see, I need that scooter A.
S.
A.
P.
This bike is a death trap! Ah! - Enough, Mr.
Gidwani.
You're obviously not a tiffin delivery man.
And you can forget about getting a loan.
- Wait, please! I am Rajiv Gidwani.
- Rajiv, you're going to blow this.
- This man has stolen my identity and is trying to steal my business.
- All right, then you get on the bike.
- Okay, here's the deal.
I am marrying an extraordinary woman, but I can only afford an ordinary honeymoon.
With your help, I can make it as special as she is.
Please, Ms.
Donovan, haven't you ever been in love? All I want to do is provide my Vimi with the most spectacular bone-a-thon of all time.
- Ugh! Ugh.
- Bikinis, cheekies, garters, hip-huggers, g-string, thong Believe me, I know women's undergarments.
I'm qualified to work here.
- I'm sorry.
I get all of my resumes from monster.
com.
- Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! I know how you can be remembered.
- What are you doing? The work day is not over yet.
- He's going for the world record! - Who? - Come on, Charlie, you can do it, just two more.
- One more, brother! - Come on, Charlie, you can do it! - This is the last one.
- Eat it! Eat it! - What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you okay? - Hello, Charlie.
- Who are you? - I'm you, in the future.
- Oh.
I look good.
- Yes, we do look good.
And you know why? Because you didn't give up.
You ate the pepper, which made you famous, which made you wealthy, which finally made you desirable to women Like Suzanne.
This is Sue.
This is Anne.
Together, they make Suzanne.
- Is that my wife? - That's up to you.
Suzanne doesn't like quitters.
- Charlie, Charlie! You okay? - What? - What'd he say? - I think he said "this is for the Sudan.
" - That is so thoughtful! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! - Yeah, that's right.
I'm the pepper guy.
Hi.
Oh, picture? Lovely.
Anyone need a breast signed? I'm not picky.
- Charlie! - Yeah.
- Charlie, come, come.
- Huh? - Some guy is trying to beat your pepper-eating record.
- What, already? - Uh-huh.
- Over there.
See it? - How many has he eaten? - Uh.
.
One more and he ties your record Well, records are meant to be broken.
But not today.
Hey, buddy, you got something in your eye.
- Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! - Still the king! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!