Package Deal (2013) s02e09 Episode Script

Everybody Loves Beth

What? You want some? I don't eat meat.
Remember? So just eat the skin.
- Still meat! - Still annoying.
Kim's got a point.
You might want to go easy, Sheldon.
You're looking a little winged-out.
Around the middle.
Look, I'll have you know my waist size is still the same as it was in high school.
I just wear them a little lower now.
Oh.
That's Ryan.
He should be here any minute with Beth.
I think it's getting serious.
Oh.
She must be a freak.
Oh, come on, Sheldon.
She really likes him.
Exactly.
Have you met Ryan? Good point.
This is the closest he's been to having an actual girlfriend since Alison.
I haven't seen him this happy in years.
It's a little creepy.
He looks like the clown-head you talk into at the drive-thru.
Hey, guys.
Sorry we're late.
We got in a brutal car accident! - That's awful! - Are you okay? Ah, smidge of whiplash, but I was with Beth, so it was still kind of romantic.
He has the cutest scream.
"Ahh!" Hi, I'm Beth.
Hey.
Danny.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
And you must be Sheldon.
And you're not a woofer.
Nice job.
And you're? Kim.
Danny's girlfriend.
You never told me Danny had a girlfriend.
Really? Huh! Must've slipped my mind.
I love your purse.
Oh, great.
The salesgirl told me it was "One of a kind!" Oh! So Beth, have some delicious chicken wings.
Oh, thank you, but no.
I'm a vegetarian.
You're kidding! So am I.
Vegetarian, huh? Uh-oh.
Brace yourself.
You know, good for you.
I find that kind of commitment inspiring.
It is? Waitress, bring us something with no wings, no hooves, and no mother.
Thank you, Sheldon.
That's so kind of you.
See, now, that's the kind of chick you should be going out with, am I right? I'm sorry, are you talking to me? I can't move my neck.
Package Deal - 02x09 Everybody Loves Beth Mojito, please.
What are you, pledging a sorority? Two single-malts, neat.
Oh, I hate jury selection.
These people may be doing their civic duty, but they are not lookers.
So where were we? Not sure.
You weren't really talking to me.
That's right.
I just want to thank you for the opportunity to assist you in court.
Are you kissing my ass? No! No, that would be insulting to an esteemed lawyer such as Yeah.
I am kissing your ass.
What's your name? Y never mind.
I'm gonna call you "Sally.
" Stay close, Sally, and there's a big tip in your future.
So, tell me about yourself, Danny.
Uh W-what would you like to know? I don't know.
Anything.
Well Uh, I'm an aquarius.
My middle initial is "B.
" It stands for "Bea.
" B-E-A? It was my grandmother's name.
She kept Bees.
B-E-E "Ees.
" Maybe "anything" was too broad.
Well, I have two older brothers, whom you've met.
Oh, yeah.
I liked the tall one.
The nerdy one could use a Xanax.
He's built up a resistance to it.
Anyway, they pretty much raised me after my parents died.
Wow.
You're more of an actual person than I thought Danny Bea White.
Sally? Another round! Screw it.
Bring the bottle! This is amazing.
I didn't know you went to burning man! Oh, I've been a "burner" since '09.
I went there in '09! I started this awesome hug-chain.
Oh, I got caught in a grope chain.
Same chain.
It took a dark turn.
I can't believe how much we have in common.
I'm so glad to finally have an ally.
What do you mean? Danny's brothers always give me such a hard time.
Mostly Sheldon.
But if we stick together, we can survive.
Hey, sister.
You, uh, ready to yoga it up? Let's do it! You're going to yoga with Sheldon? Oh, yeah.
Beth's helping me lose the old paunch-a-rino.
I'm starting to look like pancho Reno, a fat guy I went to high school with.
You look great the way you are.
Aw! You're the best! Yoga? With Beth? She's a little slow.
Yes.
Beth and I are gonna do yoga.
To-geth-er.
But you hate it.
You always make fun of me for doing it.
Well, that's 'cause your yoga's stupid.
With your fancy mat and your bpa-free, recycled water-bottle.
I mean, come on, get over yourself.
Oh.
Those are mine.
Oh, these are? Awesome.
Let me get these for you.
Hurry up, guys! I'm double-parked.
What? You're all going to yoga? Well, we were gonna make it a group thing, but Danny had to work.
She took you for dinner? Oh, it was no big deal.
Just a $100 steak, washed down by a $1,200 bottle of wine.
We were gonna go with a pricier vintage, but we didn't want to be ostentatious.
This can't be happening.
Jillian hates you.
Oh, not after a few drinks, she doesn't.
After the third, she becomes nice.
By the fifth, she thinks I'm funny.
And after the seventh, well, I don't remember much after that.
That was one night.
I'm still her favorite.
She told me.
Oh, Fitzgerald It's cute you believe that.
Danny, have you finished the Broido deposition yet? Oh, almost done.
Sorry, got to bed at 4:00.
And your point is? You're right.
No.
No excuses.
I'll have that on your You know what? Why don't you just give it to me tonight? I've had my assistant make us a reso at Atelier for 8:00.
Wouldn't miss it.
Great.
The limo'll pick us up at 7:00.
Atelier? That place is booked eight months in advance.
And we're going in a limo.
Yes! I heard that part! Lim-o! Oh Ow! Oh, I am so hungover, it hurts when I say "ow.
" I don't know why you're doing this to yourself.
I have to.
Jillian has finally noticed me.
Plus, you should have seen the look on Fitzgerald's face when we climbed into that limo.
Look, we all want to stick it to Fitzgerald, but did you have to get so wasted? I tried pouring the scotch in a plant, but she busted me.
I told her I was so drunk, I thought the plant asked.
I could give you a scalp massage.
She's really good.
No! No.
That's okay, I got it.
Ow! It's like you're driving peppercorns into a slab of meat.
You know, I think your boss has a drinking problem, Danny.
That is crazy.
It's Jillian Sharpe! She can put away three or four doubles and still remember what she named the waitress.
Wait.
Why is she naming the waitress? It's Jillian Sharpe! She tells you what your name is.
She decided I'm a Gary.
Sheldon, can you please stop pacing? You're making me dizzy.
Come on.
I'm trying to get my 10,000 steps in.
Beth bought me a fitness tracker.
I got you one of those for Christmas, and you returned it! I don't remember that.
You made her go through the garbage for the receipt.
Nothing.
Maybe we should go outside and put that thing to use.
Now, that sounds like a good idea.
How about we do some bowling? I was thinking the farmer's market? Even better! Really? You said that you hate the farmer's market.
You buy your groceries at the gas station! Now, now, Kim.
I'm sure the farmer's market will have a fine selection of Slim Jims and magazines.
And we could walk there, get some more steps in.
Fine.
Just give me a second.
Can we please take a cab? Ryan doesn't take cabs, remember? Actually, I'm good with cabs now, guys.
But right after, I'm gonna have to take a shower.
You're so neurotic.
Guys? Oh, seriously? Thank you.
For what? Forgot my sunglasses.
There you go, buddy.
Huh? He's too hungover to drive.
Again? I'm fine.
I didn't drink that much last night.
Not according to the bar receipt I found in your pocket.
Also Well, I didn't want to bring this up, but you sexted me.
Photos? Oh, there were photos.
Frankly, Danny? I think you need to see a dermatologist.
Here.
Drink this.
It's cleansing tea.
It'll help flush your system.
Ugh! Smells like hay.
Good nose! Yeah.
There's quite a bit of hay in there.
How about next time you just tell your boss you're not up to it? I can't.
That'd be like admitting she's a bigger man than I am.
Pretty sure she is.
Oh, I gotta go.
Sheldon, Beth, and I are taking salsa classes together.
Hey! Do you need a fourth? Well, yeah, we do, but, obviously, Danny's too hungover.
We'll just grab somebody on the street.
Beth seems great.
Yeah, no, she's she's great.
Really, really great.
Yep.
Great, great, great.
Good.
So that's settled, then.
Look, I don't understand why Sheldon likes Beth and not me.
I mean, we're so much alike.
You are? We're both vegetarians, into yoga, own stylish-yet-affordable hemp purses.
Huh.
Good point.
Don't worry, I'm sure he'll hate her soon enough.
As much as me? Maybe even more.
You're just saying that.
Oh, Nikki.
You're always drunk.
I need your help.
That is so offensive! Do I really seem like the kind of person who helps people? It's these hangovers.
They're killing me.
How do you do it? First off, are you drinking water? - Lots! - Don't.
Water is vomit fuel.
What are you drinking for breakfast? Coffee.
You're gonna want to splash a little liquor in that.
The best way to avoid a hangover? Keep drinking.
And remember, they can't smell vodka.
Hey! I thought you could use a coffee.
Oh, thanks.
This is just coffee, right? No, I put bourbon in it.
So what are you doing? Work.
It's been kind of hectic lately.
About that, I think we should talk about You know, I wanted to talk to you as well.
How would you like to take second chair on the Davies case? Senator Davies? "Sexual harassment-gate"? No, it's just sexual harassment.
Dammit! I've always wanted to work on a "-gate.
" Anyway, yes.
I would be honored.
Great, we can talk about it on the way to Vegas.
What? Why Vegas? Why not Vegas? The Bellagio's comping me.
Wow.
Or Or we could Skip Vegas and go grab a bite at this little French place I know that just lost their liquor license.
Ahh, you need a quiet night.
I get it.
I'll just take Fitzgerald.
You know, he's been sucking up to me lately.
He bought me a bottle of scotch for no reason.
No! No, take me.
I can sleep when I'm dead.
Which'll probably be sooner than later.
Great! Wheels up in 30.
I'll even let you ride in the cockpit while I fly.
You're a pilot? Just sort of.
Is that bottle of scotch in your office? Oh! Great idea.
We'll bring it on the plane.
I know a great drinking game.
Who cares if Sheldon loves Beth and hates you? Lots of people love things and hate you.
Yeah, I just I really want to dislike Beth, but then I realize we're so similar, except she's way more annoying.
No, you're just as annoying.
What are you staring at? Just enjoying the show.
Look at these two! I love a man who can fit a woman's jaw in his mouth.
It's Beth! Get down! And that's not Ryan.
Could be her brother? What kind of weird family did you grow up in? You're right! She's cheating.
That's just evil.
I'm gonna get a picture.
Try to get an upskirt.
Last night, Beth drops her fork on the ground, picks it up, and is about to feed me with it, when I slapped it out of her hand.
She was totally understanding.
I'm telling you, I really feel like I can be myself around her.
That's beautiful.
Kind of like the chick-version of the first time you fart in bed.
I really like this girl, Sheldon.
I want to get her something to show how I feel.
Well, I can get you a great deal on some steak knives.
I, uh, know a guy.
I'm thinking maybe jewelry.
Aw, 352? That's, like, a million away from 10,000.
And we this is why we don't let you do your own taxes.
Danny! Oh hey, Ryan.
Where's Danny? In Vegas, with his boss.
What? That's his idea of "talking" to her? When's he back? I don't know.
Didn't you get his text? I think he accidentally sent that to me.
Danny's been sending me a lot of texts meant for Kim lately.
Um ahem, Ryan.
I'm glad you're here.
So what do you think Diamonds or pearls? For Beth? No, for you, Kim.
Hashtag "You're that special.
" Of course, for Beth.
You know, I never thought I'd be able feel this way again after Alison.
So what do you think? I think you should keep the receipt.
Right! In case she doesn't like it.
You know what? Maybe I'll just get her both.
Thanks, guys.
See you later.
This is awful! Oh, come on, relax, Kim.
So your boyfriend's in Vegas, getting drunk with his hot boss.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm not worried about that.
Well, I wasn't until now! Beth is cheating on Ryan.
Now you're just making stuff up, okay? Like the time you told me pesticides were bad for my brain.
Or the time you told me pesticides were bad for my brain.
Oh, really? Does this look made-up to you? Holy face-sucking bar-monkeys! That's Beth making out with another guy! Do you think I should tell Ryan? Are you kidding me? No way! First Alison, now Beth? Ryan would never trust another woman as long as he lived.
We gotta find a way to drive her off.
"We"? Sheldon! I like that.
Do you realize that this is the first time we've been on the same team? Ew.
Way to make it weird, Kim.
Hey! Looking good.
You know, I think you actually lost a little bit of weight already.
Alright, why don't you just drop the act, huh, sister? Actually, I have lost a few pounds.
Hey! We know your secret, Beth.
What are you talking about? This! Cute dog! Wrong picture.
Oh.
Ah-hah! Still a dog.
Damn this phone! Okay, look.
We know you've been cheating on Ryan.
And I have a photo, somewhere on my phone, that proves it.
I'm not cheating on Ryan.
I'm cheating on my husband with Ryan.
You're married? Ooh, that's a good twist! We were going through a rough patch, and that's when I met your brother.
Look, I don't care about your excuses! I just need to know how much it's gonna cost for you to keep seeing Ryan and never let him know? Excuse us for a moment.
You wanna pay her to go out with him? Are you an idiot? Says the woman who can't work a phone.
Listen, you've never nursed Ryan through a broken heart.
I can still hear him crying in my sleep.
And no amount of alcohol can make it stop! You know the longer this goes on, the more hurt he'll be.
So? I keep it up until he's dead.
You're not looking at the big picture here, Kim.
Well, why don't we just kill him now? I'm not letting that floozy get his estate! Um, excuse me, guys.
I have a thought.
What? I could just tell him a little white lie, you know, let him down easy.
That works.
Done.
I'd have held out for the money.
Found it! That's your thumb.
You were supposed to talk to Jillian, not go to Vegas with her.
What was I supposed to do? She offered me second chair on Davies-Gate.
I hope you had fun with your girlfriend.
Kim, it's not like that.
Okay? You have nothing to worry about.
I would be way too scared to do it with Jillian.
Plus, I love you.
Isn't it enough I feel guilty? No.
Smoothie's still lumpy.
But I bought you a replica of the replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Oh.
Hi, buddy.
You okay? Please say yes.
Beth broke up with me.
Oh, no! Oh, I did not see that coming.
Well, I hope she told you something that makes everything okay.
Turns out Beth works for a very secret branch of the Government and had to go far, far away.
Obviously, she couldn't tell me any details.
I don't have level-six clearance.
That sounds like a movie.
Ow! No, it doesn't! Deep cover.
I get it.
You know, I swear, I overheard her talking Prussian the other day.
Pretty sure that's not a language.
How do you know? Are you a spy? Look, I know it seems far-fetched, guys, but, well, I trust her.
She's always been honest with me.
You know, I think you're better off.
I didn't want to say anything, but she kind of reminded me of Kim.
Finally! Thank you.
Uh, that wasn't a compliment.
Oh! There we go.
Lookit that.
I knew I could do it.
Congratulations.
Shh! Alright.
So now what do I do? Uh you do it again tomorrow.
Wait a minute.
I-I got to do this every day? Aw, this is the stupidest present ever.
I can't believe you got me one of these for Christmas, Kim.
Oh, here.
Let me help you with that.
Ow! It's ready.
Oh, Jillian, hi.
I was hoping to talk to you.
Look, if this is about the damage to the hotel room, I've already sent a check to the Bellagio.
No, no.
It's not that.
Have you noticed we've been spending a lot of time together? In bars? Danny, I think I know where you're going with this, and I'm glad you brought it up.
You are? Oh! I am so relieved.
And I want you to know that there is no shame in admitting that you have a drinking problem.
That's what I was gonna say.
Wait.
What? And don't worry I won't say anything to the other partners.
But you need to get help.
Y-yes, but Obviously, I don't want to be an enabler, so I'm afraid we can't go drinking together anymore.
We can't? No, I mean obviously, we can't.
Can you accept that? With God's help, I'll conquer this terrible affliction.
That's the spirit.
By the way, I don't want to put too much pressure on you until you get clean, so I've given the Davies case to Fitzgerald.
Yes! Davies-Gate! So, I guess you can add "dating a spy" to your list of strange relationships.
I guess so.
Yeah, boy meets girl, girl turns out to be international spy.
Yep.
Oldest story in the book.
You know, I once dated a spy.
Really? Well, it wasn't really dating, but he was spying on me.
I like to leave the curtains open.
Well, I'm really going to miss her.
You gotta let her go, buddy.
For the good of mankind.
And I know I'll sleep better knowing that Beth's out there, watching over us.
Well, she's not out there She's right here, at the bar.
Wow! I can't believe this.
I am so sorry you had to see that.
Nah, it's okay.
I always wanted to watch a real spy in deep cover.
Man, would you look at the way she's kissing him? Wow! It's like she really means it.
Yeah, she's really good.
Sheldon! She's working.