Package Deal (2013) s02e12 Episode Script

The Break Up, Part 1

So, Woodman, huh? Finally tying the knot! You know, Woody, no offense, but I always saw you as a living-with- your-mother type of guy.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna be living with my mom.
They're super-tight.
Well, I guess when you meet the right girl at the right moment I don't think there is a right moment for me.
Well, perhaps in the event of some tragic penis accident.
I still can't believe it.
Little Stevie Woodman getting married.
It's, uh, "Steven" now.
And please don't tousle my hair.
I'm a civil engineer.
So, Danny, when are you taking the leap? I saw some pictures of Kim on Facebook.
What a babe! Uh, it's pronounced "bore.
" So, are you two serious? Serious? Well, we did get matching cell phone cases.
With our pictures on them.
Well, you know what they say.
Love means confidently emasculating yourself in front of a group of other guys.
Listen, Kim is great.
She's funny, and smart, and sweet, and beautiful.
But I just don't think I'm ready.
Yeah, I could see where funny, and smart, and sweet, and beautiful might get boring sometime.
Hey, what gives with Woody? I haven't got an evite to his bachelor party yet.
I don't think he's having one.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Bachelor parties are an institution.
Here we go.
Getting married is like going to war.
I mean, would you send a man into battle without letting him say goodbye to his loved ones first? Hey, don't look at me.
I wouldn't even let Danny go to the store without a scarf.
So why would you send a guy to the altar without first letting him say goodbye to a stranger's breasts? It's just not done! If you really want to throw him a bachelor party, I'm sure he'd be okay with it.
I'll show him a bachelor party, alright, trust me.
Try and keep it tasteful.
When you hosted Ryan's bachelor party, none of us could even look each other in the eye afterwards.
Don't worry.
It'll be respectful.
Ryan, what was the name of that, uh, ventriloquist stripper? Gloria.
Ugh man, that dummy did not look good with its clothes off.
Guess who? What are you doing here? I knew you'd be working late, so I picked you up pho noodles from your favorite place.
"To Die Pho"? You're the best.
I know.
No, you know what? I mean it.
You really are the best.
Suddenly, I am not so hungry anymore.
Here? No one's in the office.
Well, except the cleaning staff, but I've seen them do way worse things in the lunch room.
A little warm-up for the weekend.
Oh, crap! The weekend.
I forgot.
Oh, it's right there on the calendar next to Friday.
No, I meant to tell you, I can't.
I'm sorry, I have to go to Steve Woodman's bachelor party.
That guy you grew up with? I thought you weren't even that close.
No, Sheldon's throwing the party, and he's really excited about it.
I have to do it for him.
And, apparently, our nation's veterans.
Well, I guess it's not the end of the world.
We can do it next weekend.
Really? Wow.
Thank you.
You know, I promise I will make it up to you.
Well, you can start by making it up to me right now.
You mean I just canceled a romantic weekend for a bachelor party, and you're still willing to have sex with me in my office? Yeah, it sounds worse when you say it out loud.
I'd stop talking, if I were you.
Roger that.
Alright, Ryan, help me pick stuff off this strip club menu here.
You think the guys would like corn on the cob? Sheldon, who eats food at a strip club? Are you crazy? This place just hired away the chef from "The Glory Pole.
" Everybody's talking about his chili.
Guys, I want to tell you something, but I need you to come outside.
Why do we have to go outside? I don't know.
It's a nice day.
Fresh air.
It's cold out there.
Just tell us here.
Is that my neighbor sunbathing naked again? Make room! Make room! Great.
What I wanted to tell you was I'm going to ask Kim to marry me.
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! So I have your blessings? Awesome.
Okay, so maybe that wasn't the best location to tell you that.
You think? Why didn't you just tell us in a gun shop? This can't be happening.
He's so young! To be cut down now, in his prime.
I'm not dying.
Well, you might as well be.
There's so much more for you to experience.
You haven't even slept with an albino! Look, I love Kim.
So what am I waiting for? Alright, look, Danny.
We got to tell you something.
We've been holding our tongues long enough.
Look, Danny the fact is we're not that fond of Kim.
I'm reeling.
Look, I know you guys have your issues, but enough is enough.
I'm your brother.
I just told you I'm getting engaged.
I was hoping you could find it in your hearts to be at least a little bit happy for me.
You're right.
Thanks, Sheldon I really appreciate it, guys.
You bet, Danny.
It's about time we started acting rational and mature.
Why the hell are we acting rational and mature? Don't worry! I've got a plan! Once he sees that smorgasbord of babes at Steve's bachelor party, he'll rethink the whole thing.
I just have to tailor it a little to Danny's taste.
What are you doing? Well, I'm ordering the "Judge Judy" package from the strip club.
There's a "Judge Judy Package"? Yeah.
I just hope they don't send the real Judge Judy.
That would be a buzz-kill.
And this morning, the jerk takes off with all my credit cards.
And not even so much as a "can I call you again?" Nikki, that's horrible.
You have to cancel your credit cards.
Ah, I probably should, but he's already spending less than I do.
Hello? No.
Danny's not here.
Why are you calling this number? Oh, just just wait.
Picked up Danny's phone by mistake.
It's almost as if buying matching phone cases was stupid.
He's not here, but I can take a message for him.
I'll be sure to tell him.
Who was it? Some jewelry store.
Calling to say his engagement ring is ready to be picked up.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What? Danny's going to propose to me.
Oh! Oh, that's a little anti-climactic.
I can't believe Danny's planning to propose.
Round of drinks for the lady! She's getting married.
Yay! I don't know, Nikki.
I love Danny, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of commitment.
- Wedding's off! - Aww! Another round to drown the lady's sorrows.
Yay! I just can't help but think of my parents' marriage.
All that screaming and fighting.
I promised myself I'd never live like that.
I hear ya.
Your parents had a bad marriage, too? I wish.
It's perfect.
They hold hands, wear matching sweaters, they're even in a choir together.
Oh, ugh! It scarred me for life.
If I turn Danny down, it'll crush him.
I don't know what to do.
Well, I could fake your death.
I just need 10 grand and a couple of molars.
Or you could just avoid any romantic situation with him until you make a decision.
This is so hard.
I mean, this decision would be a hell of a lot easier if I were pregnant.
Round of drinks on the house! The girl's knocked-up.
Yay! No, no, no, no! I am not knocked-up.
Make it doubles.
She lost the baby.
Yay! Oh I've built the perfect Danny-trap.
Look at this.
I got his favorite Scotch, favorite cigars, and selected strippers suited just to his taste.
"12 Horny Jurors?" Yeah.
You should see how we do the jury selection.
You seriously think this is gonna make Danny re-think settling down? He's not stupid, Sheldon! Everyone knows these women only flirt with you for your money.
Did you see that? I think she likes me.
I brought your phone back.
Wow, what's going on? Whatever do you mean? Well, I mean, it looks like the cover of an R&B album in here.
I decided not to go to the bachelor party.
Oh! Please tell me you're getting sick.
I better go, I don't want to catch anything! No, no.
I'm not getting sick.
I just thought I would make us a romantic dinner.
What? That is crazy! You have to go to Steve's bachelor party! But I don't want to go.
You have to go.
Steve is your best friend.
No! Not at all.
In fact, one time, when we were kids, he pushed me off my bike.
The past is the past.
No point in harboring a grudge.
Is something wrong? Look, Danny Sheldon has great taste in strippers, and I'm just one of those super-cool chicks who'd hate to see you miss it.
Kim! You are super-cool.
But you are so much more than that to me.
And you're so much more than that to me! Ohh! Doesn't it feel great to open up like this? Well, let's get you out that door! Okay, fine, but I want a raincheck.
Tomorrow night.
Absolutely! Tomorrow.
Or maybe the next day? We'll figure it out.
The most important thing part is you go check out those primo, grade-"A" ta-tas.
Really? Man, I am the luckiest Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Well, well, well.
Look what the party-bus dragged in.
And there he is now, the man of the hour.
Thanks, Sheldon.
I really appr Danny! Welcome to a night you are never gonna forget.
He really means that.
Although I have found hypno-therapy to be somewhat helpful.
Shouldn't this be Steve's chair? First rule of a bachelor party never ask questions, okay? Send in the girls! Let the madness begin! Miss you, too, honey! I'll be home by 9:00! Wh 9:00? Excuse me.
I'm on the phone.
Hey, can I borrow that when you're done? I'm not getting any reception in here and I wanna say goodnight to my kids.
Maybe we should've beefed up security.
These guys are real wild men.
Danny knew something was up.
I could see it in his face just before I slammed the door on it.
Look, not that I care, but now that you've sucked me into this drama of yours, are you really sure you don't want to marry Derek? It's Danny.
Did he just change it? No! The point is, I don't know what I want.
He's not horrible, you love him, and he seems to like you.
Mm, which is not easy.
What do you mean, that's not easy? Well, your jaw clicks, you bite your nails, your nose whistles, and you're kinda mannish looking.
You're not gonna end up like your parents.
And you don't have to worry about Danny's parents, 'cause they're dead! Which is a huge bonus at Christmas.
That is not a good enough reason to marry someone.
I want someone who's smart, and sensitive, and considerate, and who loves me for who I am.
Oh, my God.
That is Danny.
He's everything I would never want in a man.
Oh, my God I want to marry Danny! You want to marry Danny! Congratulations! Too bad you chased him into the arms of some skanky stripper.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Larry.
Put your phone away and start looking at the naked women.
Good thing he didn't hear your "Yo Gabba Gabba!" Ringtone.
Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Where are you going, Paul? Want to catch my wife before she turns in.
Turns into what? A wolverine? Ha, ha.
Bam! Ellen is not only my wife, she's my best friend.
Look, this party is not going the way I thought it would, okay? I just caught a couple of the guys leafing through an IKEA catalog! Yeah, whatever.
On the plus side see Sheila over there? She's really into me! Ryan, she's a stripper! Taking accounting classes online! Look! She thinks I'm special.
Now, I've run out of money, can I borrow some? I'm not giving you money.
Come on, man! I lent her my last dime to buy text books.
"Lent her?" Yeah that way, I know I'll get to see her again.
How many kids do you have, Danny? Just the two.
Alright, guys.
Come on.
Enough is enough.
Unless you're looking at porn, turn your phones off.
You know what? Just put 'em right away.
Larry! Man, Sheldon.
This is a weird bachelor party.
Come on, the party's not over yet.
Why don't we play a little "pin the tail on the Donka"? Huh? Nice girl.
Yeah, I don't know if I'm up for it.
You know, all these married guys got me thinking.
Aww, dammit.
Where is that Judge Judy? Obligations, responsibilities, kids, carpools, lawn maintenance I just don't think I'm ready for marriage.
This is the best bachelor party ever! Whoa! You look nice.
New dress? I just wanted to look pretty for our romantic dinner.
Are you changing? Oh, right.
I just thought, you know, what could be more romantic than a cozy, casual night in front of the TV? Oh, I get it.
Playing it cool, huh? I guess so.
Oh, great.
There's the pizza.
Can you get the door? Right "get the door.
" Oh.
So you're really just the pizza guy.
My mom's proud, too.
I thought we'd just hang out and watch the hockey game.
We're playing Detroit, so we'll probably lose.
But you never know.
You could be in for a big surprise.
I like surprises! Right.
This is yours.
Oh! I get it now.
You want me to have this slice.
This specific slice.
Because it doesn't have meat on it.
I'd better be careful.
I wouldn't want to chip my tooth on anything.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I just like the way pizza feels.
Must be a different slice.
Well, I guess it's time.
Yes! Yes! Yes, Danny! Yes! Yes to what? I was just getting the remote from under the couch.
What did you think I was going to ask you? Uh if I wanted to bundle cell phone plans? Oh, my God.
You thought I was gonna ask you to marry me! You know! The jeweler called the other day when our phones were switched.
Wait, so you knew I was gonna propose the other night? Why did you hurry me out the door? I just hadn't decided on my answer yet.
That hurts.
What? You're hurt? You obviously had no intention of asking me to marry you tonight.
So what happened? Did you change your mind? You changed your mind! Look Detroit scored.
The T.
's not on.
How was the bachelor party? Well, it started slow, but it ended great.
Can you keep a secret? Surprisingly, yes.
I think it comes from not caring that much about what happens in other people's lives.
Danny was gonna ask Kim to marry him.
Oh, that.
Old news.
You know? I know.
Kim knows.
She took Danny's cell phone by accident.
The jeweler called.
Stupid matching cases.
I know! What are they, 14? Anyway, Kim was pretty freaked out.
Are you saying Kim doesn't want to get married? Didn't.
Now she does.
In fact, she's over there now, expecting a proposal.
Well, she isn't getting one.
We shut that whole thing down.
I don't know, guys.
Have you met Kim? When she sets her mind to something, she's pretty good at getting what she wants.
Two days ago, you were all set to propose.
What made you change your mind? Is it the way I say "expresso?" No! And it's "espresso.
" That's not the point, okay? When I went to Steve's bachelor party Of course.
Between the "boob buffet" and your brothers, I didn't stand a chance.
First of all, the buffet was terrible.
And the boobs did nothing for me.
Well, I mean, they did a little.
They're boobs! Look.
All of those married guys were so domesticated.
No, it's like they didn't have a life of their own anymore.
So what, you think if you marry me, your life will be over? Well, not over.
Just no longer mine.
I'm just not ready yet.
Well, now neither am I.
Great! So if we're both not ready to move forward, why are we fighting about it? Well, if we're not moving forward, what are we doing? I don't know.
Having fun? Don't you think there's more to a relationship than having fun? Well, there's sex, but I was afraid you'd get mad if I said that first.
Where are you going? I think we need a break.
Okay, look.
You're angry.
Let's just talk about this tomorrow.
I'm not angry.
I'm sad.
Wait a minute, what are you saying? He's all yours, boys.
Tell me you did not ask her to marry you.
In fact, I think we might've just broken up.
I Um, real sorry, Danny.
Yeah, I don't know what to say.
So I, uh don't suppose you'll be wanting that pizza now? No, go ahead.
Thanks, Danny.
Oh, again, real sorry.
Look, I'm really sorry you feel bad, but I told you from day one it wasn't gonna work out with this girl.
You're just too different.
But Sheila said I was "the one.
" I feel so used! I know.
I know.
But look on the bright side, at least you're not Danny! Poor, poor Danny.
He seemed pretty busted up.
Should one of us be with him right now? Well, he's too much of a drag to be around when he's depressed.
We are not fair-weather brothers.
I'll tell you what.
After we finish these beers, and the round I'm about to order, we'll just order one more round, and then flip a coin to see who has to go hang out with Danny.
Can we get wings? Of course!