Paradise PD (2018) s02e01 Episode Script

Paradise Found

1 - [door slams.]
- [keys jangle.]
[lock cranks.]
[door slams.]
- [hip-hop music plays.]
- [buzzer sounds.]
Mmm! Hey, Glenda! You got some swole-lookin' pecs there, girl.
Marlowe, you got a visitor.
Oh, God, Dusty! I've missed you so much.
Gina, please don't press your bare b-hole to the glass.
It looks like a hungry suckerfish.
Oh, that's it! I'm busting you out of here.
Gina, I told you, I don't want to leave because I love it in this women's penitentiary Lucky I got sentenced to a century It's like a slumber party that never ends You call 'em soulless, violent felons I call 'em best friends I call 'em best friends My cellmate's always prankin' me Her favorite one is shankin' me And silly Donna Cooper stuck a mopstick up my pooper Thank god for my buried dingus It's like 4-H camp, plus cunnilingus! I'm so thankful that I got a century With my besties in this women's penitentiary [grunts.]
Y'all a bunch of stinkers.
Mmm, love the song.
Now, can you hum it directly into the phone? Ugh! No way, Gina! [strained humming.]
[Gina moans and gasps.]
Oh, God! Well, that'll get me to lunch.
You're innocent, you shouldn't be in here.
This is all that twatwaffle Kevin's fault.
I need you, and I am busting you out.
You've failed to bust me out of here every day, and your schemes are becoming more and more Wile E.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dusty.
[rocket fizzes.]
[Dusty gasps and grunts.]
[engine stutters.]
[air whistling.]
[loud crash.]
[cartoonish musical fanfare.]
[Crawford roars.]
[gunshots firing.]
[Fitz grunts.]
[Gina yells.]
[gasps, moans.]
[Bullet exhales.]
Welcome to Paradise.
Once the angry, puckered asshole of planet Earth, it has been transformed into the jewel of America's Heartland.
Visit the Paradise Zoo without fear of being raped by a gorilla.
[gorilla whines.]
Or zookeeper Dave.
- [men grunt and laugh.]
- Afraid of hillbillies? Don't worry.
Even the worst citizens are now contributing members of society.
- We used to be violent crackheads.
- Now we're scientists, thanks to these lab coats we found in the dumpster.
Then we combined our DNA by jacking off into this test tube.
It made a new best friend.
Meet Dobby! Dobby! Dobby's hobbies include biting the heads off small animals - and eating pubic hair out the sink drain.
- [hair twangs.]
[man gulps.]
Okay! But the best reason to visit Paradise, to meet our famous hero cop, Kevin Crawford [Kevin laughs.]
Ah, it never gets old.
who took down the most dangerous criminal mastermind of all time, Dusty Marlowe, the Argyle Meth Kingpin! See exactly how it happened in this recreation we got animated in Japan to save money.
I'm so evil, my next step is to destroy Disneyland, Jesus and Nascar! Not if I stop you.
Stop this! [cackles.]
- Huh? - My turn.
Ah! [groans.]
Ka me ha me ha! [Dusty groans.]
[magical music.]
And that's how Kevin became famous.
Meet him in person when you visit Paradise, America's non-angry, non-puckered-asshole-like jewel.
As you can see, thanks to my hero son, tourism is up, the town is flushed with cash [quietly.]
and my re-election is in the bag.
Now, the man you're here to see, Kevin Crawford! - [regal music.]
- [cheers and applause.]
I hereby award my hero son the medal of bravery for appearing on The View during Period Week.
[cameras click.]
But I'm taking him out next.
Me! The Kingpin! [evil laugh.]
[Kevin gasps.]
You got room for a Kevin and Fitz BFF medal? Of course I do, buddy.
Gerald Fitzgerald is another Paradise success story.
He started his own business and became the richest person in Paradise! Sorry, former richest person Camaro Bob.
Well, I still got the most stone-washed jeans, baby.
And Gerald did it by opening a chain of Dippin' Dots stands.
Served to you by hobos to keep my overhead low.
One Crazy Cookie Dough with sprinkles.
[snake hisses.]
Goodbye, Sprinkles.
I'll miss you.
Don't worry, he lived in my ass.
We've both come so far, Fitz.
For the first time in my life, my parents actually like me.
But out of all my medals, yours means the most to me.
Even more than my medal for loudest masturbator.
I love you like a brother.
I hate that motherfucker! Me too, boss.
Let's kill him.
We can't kill him, Thester.
The idiot has spiked tourism which is making me a fortune in Dippin' Dots sales.
[Thester groans.]
God, Thester! You're so bloody stupid! Just say the word, boss! If you're going to be my number two, you got to stop offering to kill yourself every time you make a mistake.
So, what's your evil scheme behind these Dippin' Dots? Listen, idiot.
We're making more money now than we did with argyle meth.
As long as everyone thinks Dusty's the Kingpin, we're in the clear.
And the only person in town who knows that Dusty is innocent is Dusty.
I should pay him a little visit.
Or I could poison him! Oh! We'll frame Bret Michaels of the band Poison! Oh, imagine that headline, eh? "Irrelevant Rocker Referenced In Netflix Show.
" [chanting.]
Kevin! "To Billy, I hope your snake AIDS clears up.
Love, Kevin Crawford.
" I really gotta get new publicity photos.
[sultry music.]
What can I get you, son? Hero back rub? Hero sandwich? Hero hand release? [snorts, spits.]
Uh, once was enough.
All right, good.
More time for you to sign autographs.
Gotta keep your fans happy.
Their tourism dollars fund all this new, futuristic equipment.
I am Cop Bot.
My protocols are to serve and protect, and eat donuts.
Ha ha.
I stole that joke from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Better arrest me.
I also stole that joke from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
We can even predict the future now and solve crimes before they happen.
I hired Dr.
Funtlichter to turn the evidence room into a pre-cog chamber.
I just look at it as an excuse to kidnap runaways, shave their heads and keep them in a kiddie pool.
Everyone needs a hobby.
I used to have a hobby.
Illegal drugs.
Now this town is like Jeff Dunham's stand-up act: too clean, and still kinda racist.
Bullet, you should try legal drugs like Adderall.
The schoolkids say it makes them smarter and gets them crunk AF.
Remember, kids, it works faster if you snort it.
- Hmm.
- There you are, hog shit hero! God, I feel sorry for you! I'll bet it's horrible living a lie! I don't know, John Travolta seems happy.
Oh, you know what I mean! Dusty is innocent, and you are no hero! Uh, then why do I have my own Funko Pop, huh? Oh, because they do those for everybody! Yeah, even my proctologist has one! You should've seen the look on his face when he had to pull himself out of me.
We both know you saw the tape proving Dusty's innocent, but you won't admit it because you're afraid to disappoint your parents.
Fucking pussy.
All right, Gina.
Calm down.
Hey, check out our new toy! I call it the shit stick.
[Stanley yelps and farts.]
Jesus, that's a lot of Funko Pops.
Look who finally decided to come visit.
Is it just me or does this glass smell like ass? Yeah, Gina just left.
Dusty, I just wanted to stop by and make sure you aren't getting any crazy ideas in your head.
No, I still don't think Brooklyn Nine-Nine is funny, but I was thinking that all that argyle meth mess started right after you moved to town.
Ain't that weird? Yeah, "weird.
" Also, I requested some evidence on the Terry Two Toes murder and did you know they found a hair in his cell? Fitz, this looks just like your hair.
Now I wonder, if I requested a DNA test Fitz? Yeah, he's right.
Just a silly old dead end.
- Hey, Gina.
- Not now, Fitz.
I'm busy.
[Gina groans.]
[cartoon music.]
Mayor Karen [chuckles.]
you are looking hot in that same burgundy dress you wear every day like Fred Flintstone.
Just don't forget I have a fiance.
One of these days, I'm going to make time to plan the perfect wedding.
You know, our first wedding Yeah, I don't give a shit.
What if I told you I've got the perfect political stunt to guarantee your re-election? [mutters and whispers.]
whisper [dramatic music plays.]
What the hell are you doing here? I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
Not now.
I have got two tons of fun to bust out of prison with these.
Look, I sometimes wonder if Dusty is innocent, too, but it's not like I'm experiencing odd physical symptoms of guilt that I [retches.]
Well That's new.
My point is, Dusty was convicted in a court of law and Dad says he'll be perfectly fine in prison.
[news theme on TV.]
Dusty will not be perfectly fine in prison.
We join the mayor of Paradise with more on this breaking news.
In an effort to maintain public safety, and my stellar poll numbers, I will be personally executing Dusty Marlowe, AKA the Kingpin, in the electric chair.
[mutters and whispers.]
- whispers - That fat? You measured? Correction.
I will be personally executing Dusty Marlowe in the electric couch.
Karen, I've been meaning to ask, you're not getting cold feet, are you? If you want a foot job, just ask for a foot job.
No, I'm talking about the wedding.
Oh, wait, can I have a foot job? No, and of course I don't have cold feet.
It's just, with everything going on, I haven't had time to plan it.
How about I plan it for you? First, you'll tickle the shaft with your toe, and I'll also plan the wedding.
Really? Are you sure you can handle that? Well, it's a dick and two feet.
It's not rocket science.
Oh, the wedding.
Consider it done.
Mom! I can't believe you're gonna execute Dusty! I'm not even sure he's guilty! How could you say that, Kevin? Our lives are perfect now because you busted the Kingpin! Yeah! Do you want Daddy to lose his fucking helicopter that he drives to work? If Dusty wasn't guilty, the entire town would fall apart! We finally got a Sonic! Do you want to go back to a life without Frito Burritos? Can't we just put our own Fritos in the burritos? Oh, well, why don't we all just give ourselves foot jobs, too? You want dislocated hips and jizz up your nose, Kevin? Anyway, I gotta go to work.
[blows nose loudly.]
[helicopter engine accelerates.]
[helicopter engine cuts.]
I wonder what happens when you set it to "Dirty Cop.
" Morning, every [grunts.]
Show me how you suck that dick.
Ohhh, man, I've been waiting years for a robot to ask me that.
Usually with my Roomba, I have to make the first move.
Dusty, I don't know if you've heard, but the mayor is planning to I know! She's gonna "extra-cute" me.
Oh, my god! I always wanted a makeover! I bet my cellmate, Missus Two Toes, set it up.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Your cellmate is Terry Two Toes' mom? Dusty, she's probably planning to kill you! Gina, it sounds like you're jealous of all my new friends in here.
Huh? Okay, real funny, girls.
Real funny.
[call disconnects.]
Damn it! I've got to get him out.
We've got to get him out.
I let myself be pushed into all this because I was so afraid of disappointing my parents, but I'm not letting Dusty die.
We have to clear his name before the execution.
In the meantime, someone has to infiltrate the prison to keep him safe.
I'll do it! I've always dreamed of being an inmate in a women's prison.
Whee! Wait a minute.
You have creepy hidden camera footage that would clear Dusty of Terry Two Toes' murder! Let's just show everyone the tape.
You don't think I thought of that? There's a problem.
Someone broke in and destroyed everything.
This stuff cost me an arm and a leg, too.
I guess the footage is gone for good.
Hold on.
Overpriced pretentious Is this an Apple product? Yeah, it's called the iPerv.
That's great.
All Apple products come with automatic backup to the cloud.
We've got to get to the cloud and clear Dusty's name.
Looks like Kevin's snooping around again.
Somebody's going to have to teach him a lesson.
[evil laugh.]
[high-pitched giggle.]
That's your evil laugh? Goddamnit, Thester, your laugh sounds like shite, you unprofessional bastard! Just say the word, boss! [Dusty snores.]
Two Toes, I know it's 2 a.
but someone brought this non-suspicious party sub for you.
It's time to die, Dusty, as soon as I whittle this toothbrush into a shank.
You murdered my son and nothing is going to stop me from killing y Ms.
Two Toes? Are you okay? - Your new cellmate's here.
- That was quick.
Hopson, what are you doing here? Shush! I'm Hopseletta.
I'm here to teach you how to survive in a woman's prison.
Step one, suck off a guard and make him fall in love with you.
Uh I'd rather not.
Doesn't matter.
I already ticked that box.
Several times.
Okay, Crawford.
Time to plan the perfect wedding.
Shit, I got nothing.
Think, you stupid brain! Think! [groans.]
Did somebody say "think?" I'm thinking like a motherfucker.
I'm seeing equations.
I have no idea what they mean, but I see 'em! There they are.
Can you see 'em? You do look smarter.
What's the secret? Adderall, and I only took one.
Up each nostril.
Gimme those! [gulps.]
I feel myself getting smarter.
Aaahhhh! I'm gonna come! [laughs.]
Boom! I just planned the best fucking wedding of all time in only 97 seconds.
We got to get to the bridal shop.
To the chopper! Where the hell is my chopper? [1980s action music playing.]
[tracking screen beeping.]
Looks like I'm going to have to get my hands dirty.
- Where's the disguise I asked for? - Right here, KP.
That looks just like me.
You asked for something intimidating and you're the most intimidating guy I know.
I mean, it's a nice mask, but Uh, don't threaten to kill yourself, but an exact replica of my face kind of defeats the purpose.
Thester, you purpose-defeating idiot! Say the word.
I'll build a time machine and go back and kill my pregnant mum.
Or better yet, I'll go back even further and suck myself right out of my old man's tallywhacker! Yeah That won't be necessary.
Just get me a new disguise.
Something really intimidating, like a serial killer would wear.
Got it! Intimidating cereal Boss is gonna love this! Hi there, I'm Steve Jobs? I thought you were dead.
Don't be silly.
I was backed up to the cloud.
- You're a backup? - Yeah, but don't worry.
I'm every bit the same rotten asshole in a turtleneck everyone loves.
They call me a Replicated Intelligence Machine, or "RIM.
" So, you're RIM Jobs.
Listen, you little prick.
I will fuck you harder than I fucked Steve Wozniak.
I don't think I like RIM Jobs.
I guess you've never had one done right.
Anyway, welcome to the cloud.
Here, we back up over ten sextillion terabytes of important pictures and videos, like this blurry concert from way too far away, and this picture of a wall, and this one that's completely black.
Who cares? Just point me in the direction of my hidden camera fatty-footage.
Ah, the iPerv.
We keep those drives in the Apple Vault along with your more sensitive personal information protected with our highest level of security.
A mobile home screen door.
[door creaks.]
Cap'n Crunch? [Gina yells.]
[Fitz grunts.]
Kevin! Punch him! I can't punch Cap'n Crunch! He's a war hero! Kevin, it's not Cap'n Crunch.
It's the general from the car insurance commercials.
Fuck you! Die, motherfucker! [Gina grunts.]
[Kevin groans.]
Kevin, no! Not the shit stick! [Fitz farts and screams.]
[glass shatters.]
[jet engines roar.]
Agh! Damn it! [farts.]
Yeah, that's right.
I want to hire all the original Oompa Loompas to be flower girls at my wedding.
Hold, please.
I don't care how much it costs to bring back the KFC Double Down! The chicken is the fucking bread, and I need this reception to be perfect! Hold on.
Are you serious? We got him? Yes! I just landed the High Pitch Erik from The Howard Stern Show to officiate! Karen is going to be so excited! Bullet, how much do we have left in the budget to book the venue? Negative $2,000.
Crap! How did I blow the entire budget? Probably by hiring Ric Flair to be your best man.
Shit! I haven't even paid for a venue yet.
Bullet, you think it's possible that the Adderall didn't actually make us smarter? It just got us crunk AF and we've been making stupid, shitty decisions? Like what? [ostrich squawks.]
I don't even know what that's for.
Making love to prison guards only gets you so far.
You gotta establish yourself as the alpha dog.
Pick the biggest inmate in here and bash their face in with this lunch tray.
'Scuse me, Glenda.
How much you weigh? - Three-nintely-five.
- Oh, dang it! [repeated grunting.]
Another good way to stay safe in prison is to join a gang.
Say no more.
I got this.
Hey, girls! I am so excited to be in y'all's Neo-Yahtzee club.
[dice rattle.]
Nothing I love more than party games and Keanu Reeves.
I need the address of whoever rented a Cap'n Crunch mascot suit yesterday.
All 298 of them? Two hundred ninety-eight people rented Cap'n Crunch mascot suits? Oh, yeah.
There's a "Crunchy" convention in town again.
They all get dressed up like that and screw till they're soggy.
I tell you, that ruins breakfast for you.
Crap! How are we going to find the evil one who attacked us? [chainsaws buzz.]
[gun firing.]
It's sweet old Ms.
Geraldean! Who put you in this suit? A black guy did it.
Gina, that's a huge clue! Don't get too excited.
Geraldean, who blew up the Challenger? A black guy did it.
Aw, man.
Another dead end.
Oh, not necessarily.
We have an address.
Here we are.
This is the place.
We make a pretty good team, right? You're the brains, and I Haven't peed yourself yet.
Classic partnership.
Oh, there's my hard drive! [alarm sounds.]
I peed.
[evil laugh.]
Oh, boss, I want to join in.
I've been working on a new, non-weird, evil laugh.
Caw-caw-caw caw-caw-caw! Ca-a-aw! That's fucking great.
I just took a shitload of Adderall, so don't fuck with me on this, okay? I found an awesome free venue for the wedding! Kind of a double-booking type deal.
I don't want to ruin the surprise, but let's say sparks are gonna fly! ["Canon in D" plays.]
Okay, which side? The groom, the bride, or the soon-to-be-fried? [chuckles.]
["Bridal Chorus" plays.]
["Funeral March" plays.]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for this wedding/execution.
Ooh, I love weddings! I can't believe y'all made me the guest of honor! And you get to wear this cool crown.
Ooh! Just like Burger King! And there's burnt hair in it.
Just like at Burger King! Randall, this isn't the dream wedding I imagined.
It's even better! [squeals.]
Karen, you are the most beautiful bride/executioner ever.
You may kiss the bride as the bride flips the switch.
[dramatic music plays.]
[dramatic music escalates.]
[handle creaks.]
I now pronounce you husband and - [Kevin.]
I object! - [record scratch.]
[ostrich crows.]
Oh, he's the He's the DJ.
Well, now that makes sense.
Dusty is innocent and we have proof, even though we got blown up to get it.
I'm only alive because Gina dove on top of me and saved my life.
She's the town's real hero.
And somehow, I don't have a scratch on me.
Here's the video proving Dusty's innocence.
- Kevin, don't do it! - Don't you want us to like you? I'm sorry, Mom and Dad, hate me if you want, but everyone needs to see this.
Is that a toilet cam? [Dusty on video.]
Ooh, them Frito Burritos is coming out angry! Oh, Lord, I'm glad I'm alone for this.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
Uh [clears throat.]
Wrong video.
Here is the video proving Dusty's innocence.
At the exact time of Terry Two Toes' murder, Dusty was in his apartment getting a tongue bath from those cats.
[crowd gasping.]
[news theme plays.]
Hey, Robbie, I just figured out how to genetically modify potatoes.
World hunger will be a thing of the past.
Never mind that shit.
These cops framed an innocent man.
That makes me want to smoke crack and break shit.
[mob clamoring.]
Jailbreak! Whee! [gorilla grunting.]
[indistinct shouting.]
With riots in the streets and tourists fleeing, looks like Paradise is reclaiming the title of angry, puckered asshole of the Earth.
James Woods will just have to settle for second place.
This is a disaster! You suck, Kevin! Well, Dusty, I guess we should get you out of that thing.
Who dropped a banana peel? Whoa [electricity buzzes.]
[Dusty gurgles.]
[Dusty giggles.]
Oh! Stop tickling me! Ooh, something smells like all-beef hot dogs cooking in the microwave! Dippin' Dots sales are down 99% since tourism has dried up, but the good news is the town has gone back to a crime-ridden dump so your real estate holdings have plummeted.
I was stupid to think that the Kingpin could go legit.
I should stick to what I'm good at, argyle meth and murder.
I was hoping you'd feel that way.
That's why I've got a surprise for you, boss.
I've assembled the most nefarious band of villains Paradise has ever seen! Frank Flipper-Fist! And son.
[squeaks and clicks.]
Pedro Pooptooth! Edna Dorsal-Digits! Puffy the Cigarette! Pat Robertson! How is he evil? The gays planned 9/11.
I call them the "Legion of Dooooom," spelled with five Os to avoid lawsuits.
Good work, Thester.
The Paradise PD doesn't stand a chance against us, especially when I get my old job back.
Oh! I almost forgot! Last, but not least, Harvey Weinstein! [plant rustles.]
What's up, fellas? Harvey Weinstein? Really? I figured you wanted the worst of the worst.
I do, but even we gotta draw the line somewhere.
Hey, ficus tree, you wanna be in the movies? I love it in this women's penitentiary Lucky I got sentenced to a century It's like a slumber party that never ends You call 'em soulless, violent felons I call 'em best friends I call 'em best friends My cellmate's always prankin' me Her favorite one is shankin' me And silly Donna Cooper Stuck a mopstick up my pooper Thank god for my buried dingus It's like 4-H camp, plus cunnilingus! I'm so thankful that I got a century With my besties In this women's penitentiary
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