Paradise PD (2018) s02e06 Episode Script

Flip the Vote

1 Fuck my life.
My idiot son got my fiancé arrested by the FBI, I've got an election in three days and I'm getting beaten in the polls by a write-in joke candidate called Deeznuts.
People love Deeznuts.
Fat men, old men, young men, homeless men who need cash, they all love Deeznuts.
Are we still talking about the election? No, but we should.
If you want to win, you need to focus on an issue that this town really cares about.
Family values, school safety, job creation.
It's hard to identify the single issue that every citizen of Paradise cares about.
But I think I found it.
I'm legalizing meth! People love legal meth.
Look at the line outside the new MethDonald's.
You can even bring your kids to meet Ronald MethDonald.
So remember, re-elect cool mayor Karen Crawford.
Am I the best mayor ever? I don't know, you do the meth! Has Karen lost her damn mind? "MethDonalds"? If we don't do something, she's going to put us out of business.
Cheer up, boss! MethDonald's ain't so bad.
I met some new friends down there.
Meet Grimeth, Mayor MethCheese, the high guys, and the Vanburglar.
Ohh, I really need some MethNuggets, man.
Come on, I'll suck your dick.
I'll get my coat.
Dad, I'm sorry I got you arrested.
But at least you're not in prison.
Clappers just put you on house arrest.
No, he put me on crackhouse arrest.
Welcome to our humble commode! We got central air, we got central heat, and we got pubic lice.
Hello, hello, hello! - That's just you, Robby.
- Yeah, that's just me.
I brought you this drawing I made of us when I was a kid.
See, Dad? Feeling more like home already.
Sit down, Pablo Picasshole.
I need to tell you something important.
I found out who the Kingpin is.
It's Fitz! That's not true, Dad.
Agent Clappers told me he already cleared his name, - and I believe him.
- Betrayer! Get the hell out! You're dead to me! You don't mean that.
You said the same thing when I was a kid and splashed Juicy Juice on your Hustler magazine.
Oh, but I'm serious this time.
And I told you to stop calling your jizz "Juicy Juice"! Call it "sticky-sticky goo-goo," like a man! Get the hell out! Finally, some peace and quiet.
Dobby, Dobby.
- What the fuck is that? - Oh, that's our son, Dobby.
You and him will be sharing this.
Oh no! I'm not sleeping on a piss-soaked mattress with that thing! Oh, that ain't to sleep on.
That's your supper.
That's where you sleep.
Citizens of Paradise, who's smoking legal meth right here, right now? Meth mayor! Thank you.
I appreciate your support.
Now you can stop writing in a joke candidate like Deeznuts.
I am not a joke write-in candidate.
I am Dr.
Lickon Deeznuts.
Why are you laughing? I hold a law degree from Harvard! I am the proud son of successful Hungarian immigrants! Gargle Deeznuts and Niblon Deeznuts.
What's this? People have been laughing at Deeznuts my entire life! I can't take it anymore! Goodbye, cruel world! There goes the competition.
I guess I'll do my topless victory speech now.
Lock down those floppies! I'm Gerald Fitzgerald, and I'm running for mayor! - What? - And when I win, I vow to expose the Kingpin.
And you won't have to vote for a woman.
Yeah! Who needs women? Lock her up! Lock her Don't touch me! Kevin, since Fitz entered the race, I need a cop on my side to show I'm tough on crime.
You can be my press secretary.
I don't know, Mom.
I don't think I can defend what you're doing.
You have to do this, Kevin.
You owe me! I carried you for six long months before I demanded a C-section and visited you once a week in the NICU! Fine! I'll do it! Wait.
Six months? Is that why I have translucent eyelids? That's right, my little hide-and-seek champion.
I'm so bored! I know.
There's no one to bust now since meth is legal.
You wanna play some board games? What's your fancy? Hungry Hungry Dildos, Erect Four, or Tea-Bag The Corpse? How is that game for ages five and up? Choking hazard.
God, this town sucks now! I hate legal meth! Hey, speak for yourself.
Hey, whoa, slow down there, Bullet.
I'll be fine.
Yeah, MethDonald's can't be any more unhealthy than McDonald's.
I stand by my statement.
Oh, shit.
I'm dead? Welcome to Hell! Prepare for an eternity of suffering.
There shall be gnashing of teeth and What the here? We injected you with a Meth-E pen.
They bring people back who OD.
- It was the toy in your Tweaky Meal.
- Thank God that was in there.
What? We could've got a Pinkie Pie Pony toy instead? Well, that's way better than Bullet's bullshit life! Dobby! Dobby! Thanks for volunteering to babysit Dobby for us.
What? I didn't volunteer for shit! When will you be back? - Huh, he thinks we're coming back, Robby.
- Yeah, that's funny.
Anyway, don't make eye contact with his big eye.
That one's evil.
He may emit a yellow gas.
Now if it touches you, it will kill you.
But if it doesn't touch you, it will kill you.
Now, if he gets real cranky, you're going to want to use this.
You want me to shoot him? Hell no, that'll just piss him off! That's to use on yourself.
Well, how do I calm him down? You know that children's song, - "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes?" - Yeah.
Them's the parts of you he's gonna eat if you try to calm him down.
Come on, Delbert.
We gon' be late for our Argentinian tango class.
Okay, but don't poke me with your boner this time.
What did I just say? Wait, don't Sure is quiet.
Where is he? Dobby! Dobby! I looked at the big eye! No! Oh, no! No! Please don't eat my head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! Huh? What are you pointing at? What the Wow.
You're not a bad boy.
You were just in pain from this mattress spring stuck between your 300 teeth.
Dobby, Dobby.
No, thanks, Dobby.
I'm full.
I ate a shit-stained love seat for lunch.
Dobby, Dobby! Oh! Well, how can I turn down a piece that's so yellow and moist? Mmm.
Still warm.
Oh, tragic.
Deeznuts passed away.
We were flatmates at Harvard.
We got drunk one night and ran a train on a maggot.
Wow, headquarters looks like a real campaign office.
And they gave the whole Legion a crash course in politics.
What the hell is this? Frank said if you get the popular goat, you win! Popular "vote," you deaf bitch! Anyways, the poll numbers are out.
She's kicking my ass.
Those rednecks love their meth mayor.
If I'm going to have any chance, I need to find some untapped voters.
I know a pool of untapped voters.
I promise, if you support me, that my first act as mayor is to finally let you flipper people all come up to the surface to live.
Except for you super weird motherfuckers in the back.
That includes you, Jonah Hill.
Holy shit! The Kingpin's running for mayor.
I gotta get out of here and warn everybody.
"Severe electric shock if perimeter is breached.
" Eh, it's probably like a dog shock collar.
Cock shock! Oh, my dick! No, Dobby.
Brunch is over.
I need tools to get this goddamn ankle bracelet off of me.
Dobby, listen.
I need you to go out there and bring me back a hacksaw.
Hack saw.
Dobby, Dobby! Oh, that was quick.
Dobby, this is not a hacksaw! This is a bag of human eyeballs! You can't understand a word I'm saying, can you? Dobby, Dobby.
Yeah, "Dobby, Dobby.
" Wait, that meant, "Do the cabbage patch"? Let me try something else in your language.
Uh Dobby, Dobby? Screwdriver.
Dobby, Dob-by.
Old boot.
Size nine-and-a-half wide.
Dob- by, Dobby.
Dobby! Dobby! Joe Biden.
Huh! My opponent wants to let all these flipper people, or as I call them "swimmigrants," live above ground with us! Ew, these swimmigrants sound disgusting.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat out this maggot's asshole.
Are we going to let these dirty dolphin descendants come up here and take all our jobs that don't require fingers? Here to comment on the divisive campaign rally is press secretary Kevin Crawford.
Kevin, does Karen Crawford hate swimmigrants? Those are just words, Kate.
Actions speak louder than words.
We have just received footage of Mayor Crawford dumping plastic six-pack rings into the Flipperville sewer as Billy Bush watches and laughs.
Crawford, how can you defend that? Oh well.
Up next, Joe Biden is at it again.
Dusty, Hell is awesome.
They have cool lakes of fire and these badass flying demons.
It's like a free Danzig concert, but without any of the shitty Danzig music! So what's the plan again? I'm going back to Hell to fuck with that dork Satan, because why not? Then you revive me with this Meth-E pen.
Got it? Good.
Oh, you again.
Where was I? There shall be gnashing of teeth and Hey, Satan.
Looks like you're in pretty good shape.
Let me ask you a question, - are you into fitness? - Yeah.
Great, how about fittin' this little dog dick in your mouth? Yeah! Hmm, I'll get my wig.
Wait a minute, is this a prank? Oh, you're gonna pay for that! I don't think so.
And I'm out! Dusty! What the hell are you doing here? You talked this place up so much, I gobbled some of that meth so I could see it for myself! You dumbass! If you're down here, who's gonna revive us up there? Don't worry.
I told Gina to do it.
- Eh, I was bored.
- Goddamn it.
Don't worry.
I told Hopson to revive us.
Oh, great, so you OD'd on meth too? No, I just died.
Great job on CNN, Kevin, you translucent-eyelidded douche! Just kidding! Mommy loves your special eyelids! You're the one who did those horrible things, Mom.
Between the weird eyelid freak blowing it on CNN, and the flipper people supporting Fitz, you are trailing him in the polls.
Good thing I've already got a new strategy.
The flipper people can't vote if I revoke their citizenship! It's not like you can change the town's constitution.
Oh, sure I can.
It's just a Wiki page called "ConstiPedia.
" I'll edit it now.
"Flipper people are" "no longer citizens of Paradise?" Holy crap.
The mayor has the power to edit the town's constitution.
But you can't win the election if the flipper people can't vote! Wait, I found a loophole.
Since all flipper people have the same mother, if a Paradise citizen like you were to marry her, all flipper people would regain citizenship for good! Who's your mother? I should have known.
Okay, Dolphin.
You want to get hitched or what? What's her problem? I got her a ring.
You can't just come out and ask like that, boss.
A lady like my queen mother needs to be romanced.
Hit it, boys.
Go ahead Gaze into her weird dead eyes She's never dated black guys But she's not against it Oh, did you see her smile This won't take a while, my friend You got to romance the fish Show her some fun She'll be your bride Ride that sexy-ass dolphin Down the waterslide Go see the Lakers play Oh, my damn Don't look now You're on the kissing cam And now she's at the altar Dressed in white She'll be your wife tonight No doubt about it Vows have been exchanged This might sound deranged Now you gotta go and fuck the fish Say what? Yeah, ain't it great? All her kids are here To watch you consummate Yeah, you got your wish Five hundred flipper people Are going to watch you Fuck a fish This is why you don't go into politics, kids.
Dobby-Dobby, Dobby Dobby.
Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby Dobby.
Dobby, Dob-by.
Dobby, Dobby.
Uh, Dobby-Dobby-Dobby.
Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby! Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby-Dobby, Dobby.
What are you doing? I was trying to say "I'm screwed.
" Uh, how do I say "stop" in Dobbinese? Oh, yeah, uh, Dobby, Dobby, Dob- by.
It It ain't bad.
You four are in store for an eternity of suffering, starting with my Rube Goldberg torture machine! I'll light the candle, the candle burns the string, releasing this bowling ball which rolls into these dominoes, et cetera, then Rube Goldberg sticks a cheese grater up your ass.
- Why are you in hell? - Jewish.
Here we go.
Just gonna light the candle and What the Wait, is that a strip mall? They have those here? It's Hell.
They gotta put the Panda Express somewhere.
Let's hide in there.
Welcome to Discount Possessions.
That's it! We can possess someone on Earth to revive our bodies.
Way ahead of you! I'm floating around Paradise right now.
I'm at a kid's birthday party! Oh, that's great! Possess one of the parents! He got a pony! I always wanted to be a pretty pony like Pinkie Pie! Dusty! You listen to me, do not possess the pony! Hi, pretty pony! Your mother sucks cocks in hell! Oh, Madison, don't run away, little girl! I was just trying to say that I saw your dead mama down here! And she looks like she's having lots of fun.
And she told me to tell you with all her heart.
Dobby, Dobbie, Dobby.
Dobby, Dobby! Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby, Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby-Dobby? Oh, Dobby.
What the Dobby, Dobby! What the hell do you want? You here to kill me? I'm having much more fun watching you suffer.
That's why I had my man Clappers put you in here.
Clappers works for you? Oh, I should have known.
You think you can break me? You've already taken everything.
Not everything.
You see, once I'm elected mayor, I'm going to do something I've been meaning to do for some time now.
Kill your son.
Dobby? No! He's the love of my life! Who the fuck is Dobby? Oh, you meant Kevin.
You won't hurt my son, you evil bastard! I'll stop you! There's not a damn thing you can do but sit here and watch.
What the fuck is that? Don't shoot him! He's got the heart of a child! Two, actually.
He keeps them in a shoe box.
No, honey.
I told you, I-I had to work late.
Why would I be fucking other dolphins? I-I got to go deal with this.
I don't know how a receipt from SeaWorld got in my pocket.
Dreadful news, everyone.
That maggot gave me the AIDS.
Jesus, there is really nothing he won't do to win.
Win or lose, at least you're running a fair election.
- You haven't done anything unethical.
- Like what? I don't know.
Voter suppression? Voter suppression! Great idea, Kevin! No! I wasn't saying to do it! All those opposed to voter suppression raise your hand.
See? It works.
Okay, flipper fam.
Time to vote for your stepdaddy.
"Polling place has moved"? To where? To there! You expect my supporters, who all have flipper hands, to be able to climb a rock wall to vote? Yes, mm-hmm! After they clip a baby's fingernails, wind a wristwatch, and play Camptown Races on the clarinet.
Uh, I know you're in there, - Neal texted me.
- Dusty, hurry! I'm trying! These little horsey legs are hard to control! I can't pick up the Meth-E pen with these adorable pony hooves! Listen, Dusty, all you have to do is give Hopson CPR.
Then he can use the Meth-E pen to revive the rest of us.
I think I'm doing more damage than good.
His ribs is getting all squishy.
Don't worry.
Mama's got this.
That's great! Possess someone who can help us! Really, Gina? Another pony? How's that gonna help? Who said I was gonna help? I've got a very specific fantasy to live out.
Get off me, Gina! No! Stop that! No! Stay away from Miss Pinkie Pie's stinky eye! - Ow! - Now I've got you.
Oh, cocksucker! Not you, Madison's mom.
I got the taste of blue cheese and Bengay in my mouth.
Is that a side effect of the Meth-E pen? No, that's just a side effect of us playing "Tea-Bag The Corpse.
" That's sick, man! This is hopeless! Glück Woche, Karen.
the polls just closed and not a single flipper person voted.
Yay! Voter suppression works again! So how many of my supporters voted? None.
Since you legalized meth, they spent all day getting higher than giraffe twat.
So So, no one has voted? Kevin! You voted! In your flipper-fucking face, Fitz.
- Actually, I voted for Fitz.
- What? I just don't like the person you've become.
I mean you legalized a deadly drug, demonized swimmigrants and engaged in voter suppression.
You're willing to do anything to win, no matter how horrible.
My friend Fitz has ethics.
He married a fucking dolphin, you asshole! You think that was by accident? No, I did it on "porpoise.
" Ooh, snap.
I love urban comedy.
It's official.
In the lowest voter turn-out in history, anti-swimmigrant candidate Karen Crawford has been defeated by Gerald Fitzgerald.
Dobby! Dobby, Dobby, Dobby.
Dob Dobby-Dob Dobby-Dob.
Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby, Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby, Dobby.
Oh, God! Hey, my ankle bracelet's gone.
Oh! You sewed my foot on backwards, you dumb fu Ohh, I can't stay mad at you, Dobby.
Dobby-Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby Dobby.
Oh, Dobby, I Now you got me crying.
I'm coming to save you, Kevin! Eventually.
I'm proud to be the next mayor of Paradise! Boo! I promised you that if I was elected, I'd expose the Kingpin.
And here he is It's me! Motherfuckers! I'm the Kingpin! Finally a politician that keeps his campaign promises.
Oh, my God, it's Fitz.
What are you talking about, Fitz? You're not the Kingpin.
You're my best friend.
I was never your friend, you goddamn idiot.
And since cop murder is now legal according to ConstiPedia Right, Frank? Something like that.
I can finally do this.
This is not the Fitz I know.
I know there's a good person in there somewhere.
You're right, Kevin.
Suddenly I'm so conflicted.
Not! Get this man on the Def Jam! I can't look! I also can't not look.
No! Hmm.
Dumb old man.
You son of a bitch! Y'all heard the mayor.
It's open season on the Paradise PD.
- Kevin, we've gotta get outta here! - First we have to get Dad.
It's too late for him now.
I'm still alive.
He's dead, Kevin! You have to accept that! Wait! Look, Kevin! Your childhood drawing saved me.
If your dad was still alive, he'd really want us to leave him.
Gina, you bitch! Everyone to the SUV! Shit! Look out! So we're going back to the station, grabbing all the weapons we can and taking Fitz down? Well, close.
Here's the plan.
We're gonna tuck our cocks between our legs like scared bitches, leave town and never come back.
So we're just gonna let Fitz have Paradise? Yeah.
Wasn't that great anyway.
Where will we go? I know a place.
Brickleberry Go ahead Gaze into her weird dead eyes She's never dated black guys But she's not against it Oh, did you see her smile This won't take a while, my friend You got to romance the fish Show her some fun She'll be your bride Ride that sexy-ass dolphin Down the waterslide Go see the Lakers play Oh, my damn Don't look now You're on the kissing cam Yeah, ain't it great? All her kids are here To watch you consummate Yeah, you got your wish Five hundred flipper people Are going to watch you Fuck a fish
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