Paradise PD (2018) s03e07 Episode Script

1
[groans]
[squeaking]
What the hell?
Oh, that's your pregnancy bubble.
Jenny McCarthy swears by it.
She says it keeps out viruses, bacteria,
and the screams of the anguished parents
whose kids she killed.
[scoffs] I am not going to spend
the next 39 weeks of my life
in a goddamn bubble.
I don't think you understand, Karen.
You're carrying Daddy's last sperm,
and I'm gonna protect the balls off of it,
which means Mommy gets bubble rest
and no cold cuts, sushi,
or anything with taste or flavor.
Hey, I read dark chocolate
is good for the baby.
Yes, but we want the baby to grow,
not Mama's ass.
So what the hell can I eat, asshole?
Uh, maybe. On my birthday.
You are driving me fucking nuts, Randall.
I need a drink.
- [grunts]
- What the hell are you doing?
My doctor told me it's safe
to have a glass of wine now and again.
No wine, Karen.
You know whose mom drank
when she was pregnant?
Mine.
Kill me.
You and your vestigial chin twin
don't get to control my body.
And, Chief, unless I'm breaking the law,
you don't get to tell me what to do.
- I'm leaving.
- Just watch out for the
[Karen yelps]
house bubble.
Hey, look, Karen,
it's America's Doctor, Jenny McCarthy.
Hi. Nice house bubble. Come on, kids.
- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]
[Fitz grunts]
[Gina shouts]
- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]
I need help, Fitz.
I can't stop thinking about Gina,
and you always give good romantic advice
like, "Don't fuck your car."
When are you coming in?
Never. Now that those mutants know
I'm not in prison, I can't go anywhere.
I sent my wife and son away for a few days
so they'd be safe.
These mutants are serious.
I don't want to die, Kevin.
Yep, Black Lives Matter. I'm woke.
Okay, now tell me how to get my dick wet.
I don't know. Make her jealous.
Tell her you have a girlfriend.
Huh. Tell her I have a girlfriend.
You have a girlfriend?
Yep, just phone-ger blasting her
right now.
How come I've never met her?
She lives in Canada.
I miss you, baby.
I wanna make the sex in your hairy holes.
Why, Kevin, I appreciate the offer,
but I'm a married man.
On the other hand, my wife is out of town,
and you do have
that fine-ass Lena Dunham figure.
Okay, great. I'm so hard.
[Fitz] So am I, Kevin.
So, what's your girlfriend's name?
Her name?
Her name is
Maple Moose Hockey Beaver-Syrup.
Your Canadian girlfriend's name
is Maple Moose Hockey Beaver-Syrup?
That's certainly what I said.
Aw!
Kevin, is this just a sad attempt
to make me jealous
because you have some kind of crush on me?
What? No!
Wh What makes you think
I have a crush on you?
[scoffs] Everyone has a crush on me.
Have you not Googled
"Paradise PD erotic fan art"?
You should just be honest.
I don't like being lied to.
Nope. No lie.
I have a Canadian girlfriend.
Then why don't we drive there right now?
I'd love to meet her.
That's a great idea,
but too bad we have to work.
Hey, you two both get the day off.
Kevin, 'cause it's a Jewish holiday.
- Gina, 'cause you're on your period.
- How'd you know?
What you did to Hopson was a clue.
I just said, "Good morning."
Shit!
I mean, "Day-yay! A day off."
Everybody else, listen up.
According to the original
Paradise Law book I found,
this moron town was too fucking lazy
to repeal Prohibition.
Ho Hold on, wait,
so alcohol is technically illegal?
Oh! It's about time. I hate alcohol.
Mama said it's the devil's diarrhea,
and it's the reason that Daddy
keeps cheating on Mama,
and not at all the fact that she weighs
800 pounds and shits in a Pringles can.
I promised her I would never let something
as unhealthy as alcohol cross my lips.
Dusty, you eat raw bacon.
[slurping]
Mmm.
What am I supposed to do?
Cook the fat out of it like a dipshit?
I plan to enforce Prohibition
and eliminate every drop of alcohol
from Paradise.
That'll control my wife good.
Huh, there's actually a lot
of good laws in here.
Like, uh, did you know it's illegal
to own a black dildo
longer than three feet?
You'll never take me alive, copper.
[grunts repeatedly]
[ominous music playing]
So, Boss, how are we going to kill
Gerald Fitzgerald?
We're not.
That would let him off too easy.
I wanna take his life apart
piece by piece.
Make him so bing-bong bananas,
he blows his boom-boom brains out.
Let me explain it to you
in the form of an old-school rap.
Arm-Head, lay me down a beat.
[performs beatbox rhythm]
I'm a rapper named Clappers
And I'm here for revenge ♪
My rhymes are as classic as Stonehenge ♪
My fancy beat
Will give you dance-y feet ♪
Shut up! Shut up!
Fine! We'll do your plan!
Just no more rapping or beatboxing!
Beatboxing is the only thing
I can fucking do!
Hi, I'm your mixologist.
I didn't graduate high school.
May I recommend our Gay Belgian?
It's fruity with a foamy head.
I'll take it. In fact, I'll take 'em all.
Take 'em to hell!
OMG!
[screams]
[old-timey jazz music playing]
[grunts and groans]
Can I inspect your baby? He looks Irish.
[sniffs] Ew!
Yep, Bailey's.
What am I supposed to pour over
me Lucky Charms now, you feckin' prick?
I can't believe he made alcohol illegal.
I mean, what's next? Having sex with cats?
Ooh yeah!
It's hotter when it's illegal, baby.
This tail slime is worth the jail time!
[laughs]
Hey, Kyle Canine,
we got a surprise for you.
Yeah, well, if it involves peanut butter,
I'm not falling for that one again.
On the free island of Twatemala,
we ain't got no laws.
But we do have our own moonshine.
And Peter Pan Crunchy.
I told you, I'm not letting you
lick that off me again.
Somebody say peanut butter?
'Cause my ass is making some smelly jelly.
[swishing, gulps]
[heavy metal playing]
Holy shit! Yeah!
I didn't sign up for this abuse.
I'm a liver, not a fighter.
Ha-cha-cha-cha.
[chortles] That's amazing.
We could make a fortune
bootlegging this in Paradise.
But don't bootleggers
need a fast car, Bullet?
Hey, leave that to me.
I know the perfect car
for a job like this.
Holy shit,
how did you get the General Lee?
Stole it from the Museum of Racist Cars.
It was either this or the Klansformer.
I am Optimus Hate Crime.
What brings you to Canada?
We're visiting his "girlfriend."
Wait a minute.
You're not one of those American guys
who lies about having
a Canadian girlfriend
and then gets called on it,
then has to drive up to Canada
to keep the ruse going, eh?
People do that? [nervous chuckle]
No. My Canadian girlfriend is real.
You can tell she's real by her name.
Maybe you know her?
Maple Moose Hockey Beaver-Syrup.
[laughs] I've never heard
that name before in my life.
I know a Maple Goose Hockey Beaver-Syrup.
Is that who you're talking about?
I also know a
Maple Moose Hockey Saint Beaver-Syrup,
but that's, 'course, our prime minister.
Nope, none of them. Thanks.
Hi there. I'm here with my congregation.
They insisted on coming along to meet
my smokin' hot Canadian girlfriend
named Tundra Bag O'Milk Zamboni.
So it's one of these houses?
Mm-hmm.
There it is.
Welp, she's not home.
Eh, we should probably head back.
Well, that's pretty rude
of your "real" girlfriend to flake
after we drove all this way.
We should do something
to teach her a lesson.
I know, burn her house down.
What? Where'd you get that gas?
Oh, from the neighbor. Everyone's so nice.
Let me know if you need any more gas
for your arson, eh?
Wait, Gina, stop!
You can't burn this house down!
It's too late, Kevin,
unless this isn't really
your girlfriend's house?
No, wait, you're right.
She doesn't live here.
[sighs] Finally, Kevin.
Because she's dead.
No wonder she wasn't home.
She was too busy being dead.
[nervous chuckle]
[fake crying]
- Wanna stop for food on the way back?
- Hold on.
Aren't you going to
your own girlfriend's funeral?
I mean, it says here it's this afternoon.
They even printed the address.
Of course, I'm going to the funeral!
'Cause that's what a man does
when his Canadian girlfriend dies.
Get in the fucking car.
You looked in a hurry,
so I finished up that arson for you.
What's going on, eh?
Just burning your house down, ma'am.
Oh, okay then.
[gunshot]
Randall!
Uh, uh, uh. That's a felony, Karen.
Step away from the chardonnay,
or I'll throw your pregnant ass in prison.
I cannot believe you're enforcing
Prohibition on the town
just to control me.
Do you think this Prohibition
is a picnic for me?
You know I'm not comfortable
touching my own penis unless I'm drunk.
I've gotten so desperate
my doctor had to prescribe a junk monkey.
What's a junk monkey?
Duh, a therapy monkey to hold my dick
for me when I pee so I won't feel gay.
Get with it, Karen! Mike Pence has one.
His name's Lindsey Graham.
[laughs]
Yeah, just leave the jokes to me,
huh, Chin Baby?
[lullaby music plays]
- [ominous music plays]
- Are you sure about this?
I've never been more sure of anything.
[muffled groaning]
[Fitz sighs]
Time to make you realize
what a small man you really are.
[yawns]
[screams]
What happened, Fitz?
Did you shrink,
or did everything else grow?
[laughs evilly]
He, uh, doesn't seem
to be noticing your master plan
of replacing his stuff
with ten times bigger stuff.
Oh, trust me.
Any minute now, he's gonna break.
"Ten times bigger stuff world"
never fails.
[snores]
Oh! I'm a lightweight.
Half a beer and the room is spinning.
Mmm.
What is wrong with you,
you unobservant motherfucker?
[cell phone vibrating]
[grunts]
Oh! Wife wants me to slip over
to the hotel and pay her a visit.
Better make sure I bring protection.
Don't want another kid just yet.
How could he not notice that?
Actually,
we forgot to replace the condoms.
[performs beatbox rhythm]
[urinating]
Oh, shake it again. What am I, 20?
Keep shaking.
I'll tell you when to stop, okay?
[Robby] Whoo-hoo!
[pants, stammers] What the hell was that?
Oh, that's just my moonshine delivery.
That old weird-eyed boy and the Tit hick
have become bootleggers.
Nope, not happening.
Dusty, Hopson,
arrest those Douches of Hazzard
before they soak this town
with baby-deforming booze.
Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Oh, thank titty-sucking Jesus!
I always dreamed of being on
the Dukes of Hazzard!
I wanted to be Boss Hogg,
the first Fat-frican American
to star in a TV show.
That's why I always come prepared.
Gah, Duke boys!
Dusty, are you telling me
you always wear a complete
Boss Hogg outfit under your clothes
just in case
a Dukes of Hazzard spoof breaks out?
It was bound to happen. You know
how many episodes we gotta fill up?
Oh, and Hopson,
I got a great part for you to fill.
Ooh, I hope it's anus.
Actually, the character in the show
is pronounced "Enos."
What show? Ha!
You just got Hopson-ed.
[whimsical music plays]
We heard you're lookin' to buy some hooch.
What kind of wine is this?
- Well, what kind do you like?
- Chardonnay.
Yep, that's what this is.
Sharts-and-AIDS.
Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
It's them Douche Boys! Get 'em! Get 'em!
[country music playing]
Go get them Douche Boys!
Ahh! [grunts]
Oh, ah, you 14-karat hunk of hog shit!
[engine revving, tires skidding]
Are they tailing us?
Don't worry. If this is really
a Dukes of Hazzard spoof,
they'll have to crowbar in
some stupid, hacky slapstick first.
Oh! How'd we get stuck
in this deflated tire?
[noisy gibberish]
[both yell]
[donkey brays]
Oh, there's the lard arm of the law.
The long arm of the lard. I
This sucks. This is what we get
for writing during a pandemic.
[police siren blaring]
Ooh, I'm gonna get you dadgum
rum-running sons of bitches!
- [car crashes]
- [chickens cluck]
Why am I covered in chickens?
Goddamn hacky slapstick!
[all cheering]
Look out!
Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh.
Oooh, oooh, oooh!
Where the hell did all these
crates and barrels come from?
[siren continues blaring]
Oh, come on, now. I need some backup.
Come in, Anus.
Yep, sitting on a full tank.
Hopson,
you can stop with the clever jokes.
We're doing Dukes of Hazzard, not Frasier.
Now give me some backup.
[snores]
[yells]
[crashes]
Goop! Chief's gonna burn my biscuit
if I do any more damage to this car.
[Dusty screams]
[cars crash]
[engine revving]
[country music playing]
Yee-haw!
Dude, that was right in my ear.
[Dixie horn blaring]
Oh, you ain't getting away!
[narrator] Now, we all know
Dusty ain't gonna make it across that lake
because there ain't nothing funnier
than seeing a fat man
get his leg gnawed off by an alligator.
What the fuck that narrator say?
[Dusty screams]
[gasps] You don't want to eat me,
snake man! I'm makin' smelly jelly!
Mmm.
Hmm.
You can really taste the sharts. Downside
I'm blind now!
[grunts]
Ow, ow. Oh.
Oh!
Karen, are you okay?
Ah! I'm perfectly fine,
and definitely not blind or anything.
Good, 'cause I just volunteered you
to be the bus driver
for a bunch of at-risk youth
on a field trip.
[kids screaming]
[clown grunts]
What's up with all these
mailboxes and et cetera?
[coughs]
Oh. God. Hup.
Goop, goop, goop, goop, goop, goop!
[narrator] Now isn't that something?
Chief doesn't realize Karen's blind
on account of drinking
the Douche Boys' moonshine.
Wait, what did that narrator just say?
He's lying. Don't listen to him.
Sorry,
but I have to place you under arrest.
We all know
if the narrator says something, it's true.
[narrator] As true as the fact
that Chief got jerked off
by a junk monkey this morning.
Oh, come on, it's not like I came.
He's lying.
Ah, shut the fuck up,
you little tattletale!
Oh, you didn't tell me
your Canadian girlfriend was an Eskimo.
Jeez, Gina. Nobody says Eskimo today.
The preferred term is Snow Mexicans.
Would anyone like to say a few words
in remembrance of the deceased?
This guy would.
He's her American boyfriend.
Yeah. [chuckles nervously]
Yes, I would like to say
a few words about, uh, this woman.
Like you, I was shocked
when she suddenly died of
a 12-year battle with cancer.
You son of a bitch!
I knew she was cheating on me.
Here, take your goddamn kids.
I always thought
they looked nothing like me.
Nanook, Atanarjuat,
you're going to live with your real dad.
Unless this is all some crazy lie
that you've spun
to avoid coming clean about something?
Nanook have to pee.
You just peed!
Randall, what's happening?
Where are you taking me?
I can't see anything!
Karen, I hate to do this,
but you are now
in a federal supermax prison.
Hopefully, you'll get scared straight.
Okay, Johnny, open the cell door.
[vocalizes electronic buzzing
and door opening with a crash]
Meet your new cellmates.
[Dumptruck's voice]
The name is Dumptruck, okay?
I ain't sharing my cell with no uppity,
pumpkin-spice, Ugg boot,
gluten-free, Whole30 white bitch.
[Cha-Cha's voice] Ay, Mamacita.
Who's the fresh tamale?
Me llamo Cha-Cha.
Oh, I can't wait to smoosh my bean
on your fish taco.
Yeah, baby!
Randall, I'm sorry. Who are these people?
Can we just go home?
[warden's voice]
Uh, Randall? Who's Randall?
I'm Warden
Jamis Jumbo "Big Boy" Beauregard.
And if you don't stop that hollering,
I say, I say, I say
That's all I have to say. Yes, ma'am.
Oh God! Why did I ever drink alcohol?
[cries]
Wow, I'm like Phil Hartman.
Meaning, if I'm not careful,
my wife's gonna kill me.
You know what? I'm glad Plan A didn't work
because Plan B is going to drive him
ding-dang double insane.
He thinks he's a big man [laughs]
let's make him a big man.
[laughing evilly]
Huh, I need to get my reading glasses.
God-motherfucking-damn it!
[toilet flushes]
Uh-oh.
Damn, must've been
those 3,000 cups of coffee I drank.
[Dumptruck's voice]
Yo, you uppity NASCAR, regatta, Prius,
NPR, scone-loving white bitch,
why you so sad?
Is it 'cause yo' ass in prison?
No, Dumptruck. May I call you Dump?
[sniffs]
It's because I'm with a man
who tries to control everything I do.
Mmm, girl, that sounds just like my pimp,
Black Pepper.
Oh, there he is at the jail window.
And he African-American,
so it's okay if he uses the N-word.
[Black Pepper's voice]
Hey, it's Black Pepper.
- Where my money, n?
- Get lost, Black Pepper!
I'm trying to talk to your ho here.
[Dumptruck's voice]
Well, maybe your husband just want
what's best for the baby.
He only cares about
what's best for the baby,
not what's best for me.
Honestly, Dumptruck,
I'm not sure he even loves me anymore.
Hey, maybe I
[Dumptruck's voice] Maybe he didn't know
he made you feel that way.
Randall, is that you?
Uh, yeah, I'm here, Karen,
to bust you out of this prison,
because I love you, baby.
[Dumptruck's voice] Whoo, Bitch,
you got a good motherfuckin' man.
[Cha-Cha's voice]
Too bad he's going bald on top.
Shut your mouth, Cha-Cha.
- [Cha-Cha's voice] You wanna go, bitch?
- I'll go, bitch. I'll go all day long.
[warden's voice] Now, what in the name
of Jefferson T. Davis is going on here?
I demand to know the truth!
[imitating Jack Nicholson]
You can't handle the truth!
Is that Jack Nicholson?
Just go with it. I'm on a roll.
[imitating Schwarzenegger]
Run! Get to the chopper!
[imitating Gandalf] You shall not pass!
What the fuck is happening?
We're in the yard, Karen.
We're in the yard, run!
[vocalizing alarm and gunshots]
Climb the prison wall!
Now spin around.
Jump!
[Karen gasps]
Gah. Uh-oh, here come the bloodhounds.
[barks]
Get in the car! Get in the car!
[vocalizes car sounds]
Here we are.
[vocalizes squeaky door] Okay, we're home.
Whoo. Karen, I'm so sorry.
I should've trusted that
you know what's best for your own body,
and the baby.
It's okay, Randall. But I'm a fugitive.
Isn't this the first place
they'll look for me?
Uh, let's turn on the news. Click.
I'm Tom Brokaw.
Karen Crawford found not guilty.
So nobody will be looking for her.
In other news, giving BJs
makes women look ten years younger.
[imitating Cha-Cha] Ay, ay, ay. That ain't
Tom Brokaw. That's your husband.
Don't let him trick you
into sucking his little dick.
Shut the fuck up, Cha-Cha!
Okay, Hopson. Let's go over the plan.
It's on page three of my homemade list
of Boss Hogg schemes that I gave you.
It's called "Dynamite Truck Roadblock."
Oh, look, here they come.
[country music playing]
Uh, why aren't they stopping?
Well, I cut their brakes.
It was on your Boss Hogg scheme list.
You're only supposed to do
one scheme at a time,
you dumb sack of wrinkles!
[Dixie car horn blaring]
Oh no.
Get me out of here, you no-good,
queef-suckin', sheep-fuckin' Douche Boys!
I'm madder than
Travis Tritt's floppy tits!
Come on, Dusty.
I mean, at least try alcohol
before telling everyone else
they can't have it.
No, no, no. I promised Mama
it will never cross my lips.
Just give it to Anus.
He loves your moonshine.
[grunts]
Chug it, man. Chug it! Chug it! Chug it!
What the hell y'all doing? This is Ooh!
This is a comical misunderstanding!
I'm gonna
Whoa.
Attention, everybody!
Prohibition is now officially repealed!
[all cheering]
Why's everybody screaming?
[old-timey jazz playing]
You know what? I love alcohol,
and it still ain't ever crossed my lips.
Kevin, I'm sorry I doubted you.
Turns out, your Canadian girlfriend
was real after all.
I hope so.
If not, I could probably
get in a lot of trouble
for child abduction.
Nanook and Atanarjuat want ice cream.
Not until you finish your elephant seal,
young man.
Well, I'm impressed
you stepped up as a father.
You're a good man, Kevin Crawford.
Hope someday I can
wind up with a guy like you.
You know, I'm a guy like me.
Maybe you and I
should get dinner sometime?
Oh, Kevin, that is so sweet,
but I don't date men with kids.
Aw! [sighs]
Oh well. Siri
Google "Paradise PD erotic fan art."
[phone beeps]
['70s porn music plays]
You wouldn't believe the day I had, Doc.
First, my stuff was too big,
then my stuff was too small.
But with these pills you gave me,
I just didn't give a shit.
Without these, I probably would've
blown my boom-boom brains out.
Actually, it's time for my next dose.
Oh no. Oh shit.
Why is everything in this bar so
normal-sized?
I'm going bing-bong bananas!
[screams]
Welcome to "medium world," motherfucker.
[ominous music playing]
[country music playing]