Parks and Recreation s02e21 Episode Script

Leslie, can I run something by you really quick? Sure! I love having things run by me.
I feel like you're being sarcastic right now.
No, no.
I'm not.
I genuinely love it.
Run it by me.
Go ahead! Go, go, go.
Okay, so I've been a little worried that Ann maybe thinks that our relationship isn't moving forward fast enough.
And so I'm wondering if maybe I should ask her if she would like to move in with me.
Good idea? Bad idea? You tell me.
I would say that some women won't consider moving in with someone unless they think marriage is in the future, which I know, for you is I intend to marry her.
For realskies? I'm not really quite sure how I feel.
I It's a little weird.
I mean, I'm happy for them.
They're my friends.
It makes me a little nauseous.
If I could just sum it up in one word, it would be Parks and Rec.
Confirming what? That's not possible.
Oh, no! Hey! Good morning.
Why are there six people outside who say they're waiting to meet with me? So, you know how you love me because you haven't had a single meeting with anyone since I became your assistant? That's because every time someone calls and requests a meeting with you, I always schedule it for March 31st.
Why? Because I didn't think March 31st existed.
Thirty days has September, April, March and November June and November.
Today is March 31st.
I know.
So, then, how many meetings do I have today? Ninety-three.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, you know what to do.
Right.
To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmarish hellscape.
However, to Leslie Knope Oh, how fun! Yay! Why don't you take as many as you can, and I'll cover the rest.
I have a better idea.
Why don't I try to rustle up seven more meetings, 'cause I think it would be cooler if there were an even 100 Just Why don't we just stick to these 93 and see how it goes? Yeah, okay.
This is the perfect distraction for me.
Okay, so I have everything I need, right? I have a fresh cup of coffee, comfy fur-lined boots.
I'm gonna need those boots back by the end of the day.
Yeah, no problem.
They're actually a little narrow for me.
Leslie, here's a guy.
Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, Deputy Director.
Bill Haggerty, Pawnee Historical Society.
I'm supposed to be meeting with Ron Swanson.
I understand that.
He's tied up right now.
What a shocker.
I've been trying to meet with him for three months, and now he's not available.
It's probably too late now, but, some rich woman, Jessica Wicks, has rented out Turnbill Mansion for a party, and she's making alterations.
"Alterations"? Turnbill Mansion is one of the most beloved historical sites in Pawnee.
In 1867, the progressive Reverend Turnbill officiated a wedding between a white woman and a Wamapoke Indian chief.
The secret ceremony was beautiful and romantic.
But then word got out, and the reception was a bloodbath.
Fortunately, there were two survivors.
Unfortunately, they were both horses.
Hold up.
Former beauty queen Jessica Wicks? Yes.
I'm Tom Haverford.
I'm gonna be running point on this, Bill.
Hey, why didn't you try to stop her? Her husband is Nick Newport Sr.
From Sweetums.
Everyone in this town is afraid to say no to him.
Okay, everybody just relax.
What alterations is she trying to make? Drilling holes, painting, removing wainscoting, she's tearing down the gazebo What? She's what? No, she's not.
Okay.
Tom, go get the car.
Ow! Sorry.
Don't throw things at me.
God, these are tight! I'll devise an action plan to help us coordinate better among the departments.
Will you? Great.
Thanks for coming in.
Yeah.
Who's next? Tom, I'll meet you at the car.
Where the hell are you going? We have 91 more meetings! I'm sorry, Ron, as much as I would like to go for the "all-time City Hall single day meetings record," there is an emergency.
Someone is trying to alter a gazebo.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Ann.
Sorry I can't hang out.
I kind of have an emergency.
Oh, I'm actually here to see Mark.
Right.
Well, thanks for the coffee.
That's also for Mark.
I really need it, though.
But next time more sugar, okay? Thanks, bye.
Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion? No.
I'm gonna do all of these today.
Round up whoever's free.
I'm gonna need more Ron Swansons.
Look at that.
It's gorgeous.
What kind of monster would wanna change this? Pre-zit.
Do you have any brown concealer by any chance? I need to look good for Jessica.
You know, they may be rich, but they can't just destroy history.
Let's go.
I'm right behind you.
I just need to spend a minute in my cologne cloud.
What is that? Attack by Dennis Feinstein.
When you wanna attack the senses of the lady you wanna bed.
Oh, my God! Door! Door! Door, door! Close it! So basically, we're completely swamped.
All hands on deck.
I don't even work in this building.
Don't care.
I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.
Ron, do you need help with anything? No, we're good.
Thanks.
In fact, you can head home early.
Right, now the four of us are gonna divvy up all these meetings.
Just make them feel like they've been heard.
Understood? Yes, sir.
Bert Macklin, FBI, on the case.
April, you take Leslie's office.
Andy, you're in the conference room.
Ann, take your meetings in the courtyard.
Just sit there and don't ruin the city.
Dismissed.
What are you doing? Can I get a badge? Hey, I brought you a coffee, help you get through the day.
Thanks, dude! No problem, lady! I'm gonna go.
Okay.
April is the best but she's 20.
When April was born, I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then, I'd have been hanging out with a baby.
I don't know anything about infant care.
My God, I could have killed her! Ah, Mr.
Newport Sr.
I've just been informed that you plan on altering this mansion.
And as a member of the Parks Department, as a Pawneean and an American, I ask you to refrain from harming this historic structure.
What? I'll take care of this, love nut.
Biscuit.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Jessica Wicks, Miss Pawnee 1994.
Hello, yes.
We've met before.
We were both judges at the pageant last year.
Leslie Knorp.
Of course! How are you? Jessica Wicks.
Hey, boo! Are you aging in reverse? 'Cause you look barely legal.
Tom Haverford.
If you're not the most charming man in Indiana.
And this must be the luckiest man in Indiana.
Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
Come here, you! Tell me straight, are you a Chinese? No! I'm one of the Indian people.
That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in like a month.
And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica is a gold-digger.
But I'm a gold-digger-digger.
So, how did you and Mr.
Newport meet? I was doing a ribbon-cutting at the hospital, and he was there because his blood doesn't work.
And we started talking, and then I realized who he was.
Oh, my gosh! It was love at first sight! Oh, that sounds so romantic.
Um, Jessica, I know you've rented out this house for a party.
But it's on the historical register, so we can't allow any changes.
I'm so sorry.
It's a little late for that, sweetheart.
I told them what I was doing months ago.
Where I come from, there's a saying, "What's done is done.
" That's a saying everywhere.
I've never heard it before and I think it's a great saying.
Well, maybe we can just limit the damage.
How much have you done? You painted this? Uh-huh.
Miami Teal is Nicky's favorite color.
We also replaced some of the sconces, got rid of the furniture, painted these floors black Oh, no.
These were the original hardwood floors.
Yeah.
They were all scratched up.
I did you a favor.
Come on in here.
I'll show you guys what we did in the sitting room.
I can't After you.
I'd hate to miss the view.
You little devil.
I should just pay you to follow me around.
If that's a job offer, I accept.
Oh, my God! Why did you have to drill holes in the wall? To hang my birthday present to Nicky.
My heavens! Isn't there a way that you could've Oh, my! History is important.
You just can't go around changing everything all of the time.
Or else next thing you know, they'll be painting the White House not white.
I'm so angry, I can't think of another color.
Green.
So, your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "you suck" at the players! According to the complaint, you yelled it at five-year-old girls.
Who suck! Why is that so hard to understand? I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's currently dead.
Oh.
I'm his daughter, April Swanson.
And it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.
I represent the Ultimate Frisbee league.
And Pawnee has an Ultimate league? Yes, and we keep running into conflicts with You won me over.
I will join your team.
I'm sorry, what we need When does practice start? And do you provide the jerseys? What color are the jerseys, by the way? What's our team name? Are we the Lightning? Now, I have to tell you, I don't actually work in the Parks Department.
I'm a nurse.
Seriously? That's great news.
I have the weirdest thing on my arm.
Can you see this? Every time.
Oh, thank God you haven't torn down the gazebo yet.
Don't remind me.
The demolition people couldn't get here until this afternoon.
I've had to look at that ugly thing all day long.
Ugly thing? Let me tell you a little something about this "ugly thing," ma'am.
A hundred and fifty years ago, an interracial couple was married here, and then slaughtered by their own families.
It's one of the most beautiful stories in Pawnee's history.
Why are you trying to destroy it? Don't tell me about Pawnee history.
The Newports made this town.
And tonight, we're gonna celebrate my husband's 85th birthday, without this mushy old pile of rot.
Your husband's a mushy old pile of rot.
You were a stick-in-the-mud when we judged that beauty pageant, and you're being a stick-in-the-mud now.
I am not a stick-in-the-mud! I just want to stop a party from happening.
Ron? I have a gazebo update, so ignore all my previous voicemails and e-mails.
Leslie, I haven't relieved myself in five hours, so, if you'll excuse me.
Ron, I'm sorry, but this can't wait.
Jessica Wicks refuses to Leslie, what the Hey! Miss Knope? Councilman Howser! Nice to see you again.
Not that I saw anything, other than your face, and I would like to talk to you a little bit about this gazebo thing.
You know, the problem Okay, okay.
Enough of this.
Do whatever you want.
Alert the media.
Call FEMA, I don't care.
Do not bother me with this again.
Miss Knope.
Councilman Howser.
I saw your penis.
There are eight swings at Ramsett Park and every single one of them is broken.
Can you please just fix one of them? Ron told me I can't say yes to anything.
But it's such a reasonable request.
I can't just say no.
So, that's a yes? Are you saying yes? Just say out loud, yes or no.
Boop! Yeah, they do look a little bit swollen.
Just follow the pen.
Follow the pen to Does that hurt? There's no way this ordinance goes through.
There's too much red tape.
Mmm.
This gridlock drives me nuts.
Tell me about it.
Yeah.
I think you're gonna have to make an end run.
You know? Go right to the Commissioner on this one.
You know what, I hadn't thought of that.
That is a really great idea.
Yeah? I'm gonna do that.
Okay.
Your last resort is probably gonna be City Council.
Good luck there! Yeah! My thoughts exactly.
I have no idea what I was saying.
I ask you.
Is this too revealing for a public pool? Kindly get your groin off my desk.
So my body makes you uncomfortable, too? Hey, Mark.
I'm kind of freaking out about this historical mansion thing.
Can I talk to you for a second? I'm actually headed right out the door.
You're going on a date with Ann.
Yeah.
I was gonna surprise her, take her to a nice restaurant.
Don't worry about it.
Are you sure now? Yeah, have a good time.
How we doing? Pretty good.
I may have promised a new aquatic center to somebody.
Is that a problem? I diagnosed two melanomas.
They're both benign.
How many more meetings? Twenty.
April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson Castle.
Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.
I hired you to do one thing.
Just one.
I don't care that you text all day and sleep at your desk.
In fact, I encourage it.
But only because you were doing that one thing.
Keeping this crap off my desk.
Give me five minutes before the next one.
That guy is scary when he's angry.
Yeah! God, I know.
Hey.
Sorry, dude.
I don't need your sympathy.
Or yours.
I wasn't offering my sympathy.
Thank you for meeting me here.
Sure.
What's up? Okay.
I need you to get this word for word.
It's a tape recorder.
So it will.
"Gazebo?" More like "Ga-zoinks-bo.
" She may be a former beauty queen, but today she's the king of destroying history! Okay, could you just maybe talk normally? Okay, fine.
"Ga-zoinks-bo.
" Jessica Wicks is throwing a birthday party for her husband Nick Newport Sr.
At the Turnbill Mansion tonight Okay.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Nick Newport Sr.
Is the former CEO of Sweetums.
So? Sweetums owns The Pawnee Journal.
Crap on the cob! I will take it into consideration.
Thank God! That was it, right? No.
There's one more.
Damn it to hell! It's with me and it's right now and it's about me quitting.
I quit.
I have no other choice, okay? This is the only rational way I know to prevent this tragedy.
Oh, my God! Here they come.
Tom, throw away the key! Seriously? Yes! Throw it! Out of the way! Sir, I'm sorry, but you're a little late.
So, you're gonna have to turn this thing around, 'cause you're not getting in here.
Oh, God! Tom! Stop him! Jump in front of it! Sacrifice your tiny body! I really thought that gate would open in the middle.
Well, the gazebo has been destroyed.
And the thing that bothers me the most Cut it out, Tom.
It never gets old.
Hey, Ann and Mark are coming.
Guys, not so close.
You're gonna You're gonna Don't go past the sensor.
Sensor? Sorry if I ruined your evening.
Leslie, it's totally fine.
I chained myself to a gate.
I can see that.
Are you okay? Nothing's bruised but my ego.
And my arm, a little, from the mechanized gate.
Thanks again for letting me take those meetings today.
I've never really had a meeting before.
They're awesome.
You're welcome.
Hey, have you seen April around? She usually comes by at the end of the day.
You might want to check her house.
She quit on me.
What? Why? She screwed up my entire life today.
That was one mistake.
She's perfect for you.
Come on, there's no one in the world who's gonna do a better job for you than April.
Either you hire her back or I quit.
You don't work for me.
And I never will, sir.
Good day.
So what'd you guys talk about at dinner? Huh? Was it fun? Any big decisions arrived at? It was fine.
Do you need a ride home? No, Tom's gonna take me.
You guys go on ahead.
I'm glad you're okay.
Call me tomorrow? Bye, Leslie.
Well, hello there.
You must be Ron Swanson.
Well, welcome to Casa Ludgate! Hello, Mr.
Ludgate.
Call me Larry.
Larry, who is it? It's Zuzu's boss.
Oh, Ron.
Rita Ludgate.
Oh, you have no idea how nice it is to meet you.
Come in, for gosh sake.
What can I get you to drink? Ooh.
Could you take your shoes off, please? Thank you so much.
Nothing to drink, thanks.
Oh, okay.
Is April around? Zuzu, you have a guest.
I'll fetch her.
She's probably on the Internet again! I'll come with you.
Okay.
Okay.
You make yourself at home, Mr.
Swanson.
Thank you.
You must be April's sister.
I'm Ron.
Nice to meet you.
No offense, but I think the normal grieving time for gazebo destruction has passed.
Yeah, well, maybe that's not entirely what I'm upset about.
Mark and Ann are gonna get married.
Really? Why does that bother you? I should be the one that's upset.
It was supposed to be me and Ann.
Or me and Jessica.
Or Ann and Jessica with me watching.
Every time a couple gets married, two single people die.
I'm about to lose two good friends.
Come on.
They drove over here and cut you down from a gate.
I really don't think you have to worry about them abandoning you once they get married.
Yeah, yeah, I know that.
In my brain.
Can we go? Yeah.
Let's go.
I just need to Come on.
No! do one more thing.
No, no, no! Loving smiles and smiling tears The midnight of my heart is you Okay, I'm sorry, everyone.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, but I need to say something.
Is that Gate Lady? I know you're probably thinking, "There's that crazy gate lady from outside back again.
" And to some extent, you're right.
I am the gate lady.
But the only thing I'm crazy about is leaving the past behind.
So, I would like to apologize and raise a glass to change and forgiveness and the future and Ann and Mark, and happiness and Nick Newport Sr.
May all your future gazebos live long and prosper.
Please leave! Is it weird if I ask to take a piece of cake with me? I won't.
Go.
Why are you here? Come back to work.
No.
Come back.
I want you to come back.
Well, I don't want to come back.
The end.
I was talking to Andy about you, and he made me realize that I need you back at work.
What did he say? Don't recall.
Fine, I'll come back.
Good.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Bye, Zuzu.
Bye, Duke Silvers.
My mom has all your albums.
I recognized you the day we met.
Have you told anyone? No.
Good girl.
Well, excuse me.
I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday, but had a little car trouble.
Sorry, he's busy right now.
Well, can I reschedule? Sure.
Hmm.
How about June 50th? Sorry? Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
What is going on? Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember One-Teenth.
Does that work, sir?