Parks and Recreation s03e14 Episode Script

Hey, Leslie.
Hey.
Thank you for that year-over-year maintenance cost analysis.
That was really helpful.
You're so welcome.
I was thinking about you when I wrote it.
'Cause I was, um 'Cause I told you I wanted to read it? Yeah.
That's a good reason.
Anyway, Chris wants to see us in his office.
I guess we should head over there.
All right.
All right.
All right, cool.
Great.
See you there.
I'll see you there, Benjamin.
Ben.
All right, "Lesliemin.
" Leslie.
Hi, Ben.
Oh, hey, Ann.
Wow! That was the most sexual tension I have ever seen in a conversation about documents.
It can't happen.
We could both get fired.
That's a dumb rule.
I know! Well, if you have to follow it, I would just suggest avoiding one-on-one, tension-y situations with him.
You're right.
Good plan.
I am sending you two on a trip.
Really? Really? The Indiana Little League Baseball Tournament is upon us, and Pawnee hasn't hosted it in 20 years.
So, I would like you two to go to Indianapolis and state our case, because you two are my dynamic duo.
Right here.
Ah Ah And go team! Yep.
Ann, everything you have is too sexy.
This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman.
I know.
I look really good in it.
I need, like, a sweat suit or something.
I need to send out a signal that nothing is gonna happen.
Oh, this is insane.
It's so obvious you're dying to be together.
And now you're going on a road trip? I mean, you guys could literally "get a room.
" Yeah, and I could literally get "a-fired.
" All right, I will help you anti-seduce him.
Just tell me what else you need.
I need to think of unsexy, boring conversation topics we can talk about in the car.
I have a few ideas.
We could discuss The New Yorker article "The History of the Ladder.
" Okay.
We could talk about different dorms at Johns Hopkins University, and I could read from my Sonicare booklet.
Oh, I have a good idea! What? Why don't you ask him about his penis? Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking.
Okay! Everyone stop what you're doing and come with me.
All four of you.
Where are you going? Leslie's not here today.
No boss.
We can do whatever we want.
I'm your boss.
That's a good one, Ron.
Let's go.
Seriously.
Come on.
Here's the sitch.
I developed a dope new game show where I ask couples scandalous questions, and they have to guess what the other one answered.
I call this Know Ya Boo.
Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game.
Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game, okay? It is totally The Newlywed Game.
But big deal.
Everyone steals.
My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs.
Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
Don't know, don't care.
And what exactly do you plan on doing with this game show idea? Are you going to shove it up your butt? No.
I'm gonna test it out on you four bing-bongs and work out the kinks, then hire actual attractive people, and make a demo.
What network is gonna buy a game show from you? There's a million networks out there, and they all need programming.
Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, WOW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.
I love Slurp HD.
Have you guys seen Ultimate Battle Smoothie? That's a dope show.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, so, basically every dorm allows bed lofting, but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy.
Did you go to Johns Hopkins? No.
Do you wanna play some music? Sure! Ann and I burned an awesome CD for the trip.
Jimmy Carter's "Crisis of Confidence" speech, Learning to Speak Mandarin, 16 minutes of Old Timey Car Horn, and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza.
It's an amazing instrument, the banjo.
Yeah.
I didn't realize it could be this loud.
Hello? Hello? Can I help you? Hi.
My class is here on a field trip, and I'm supposed to interview someone for a school project.
Okay.
You can wait at that table, and someone will be here sometime.
But aren't you here now? No.
It's time to know your I don't have the instrumental backing track yet, but it's gonna say "boo" right there.
Hey, everybody! Welcome to Know Ya Boo.
I'm your host, Tom Haverford, and with me as always is my CGI puppy co-host, Bobby the Boo! Hey, everybody! All right, let's get to it.
First question.
Fellas, which rock star would your lady bang if she could bang one rock star? Jerry! I believe I have heard Donna talk about Prince, a lot.
What'd your boo say? Impressive! All right, Andy, which rock star would your lady get with? Um, this is almost too easy.
Me! Let's check in with your boo! Yay! Oh! Sorry.
Who is Jeff Mangum? The guy from Neutral Milk Hotel.
Oh! Oh.
Neutral Milk Hotel.
What is that? That's my favorite band.
I've told you that, like, a thousand times.
I don't remember.
Why wouldn't you pick me? I don't know.
You're not technically a rock star.
Booyah! Somebody don't know their boo! That's the sound bite that's gonna play when a fight breaks out.
Look, little girl, can we postpone this for another day? It's unsettling having you just sit there.
But my report's due tomorrow.
What's it on? Why government matters.
Really? It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.
I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old.
What's your name, ma'am? Lauren Burkiss.
Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson, and I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about the miserable, screwed-up world of local government.
You have mustard in your mustache.
Don't sass me, Burkiss.
Let's get started.
"Life, liberty, and property.
" That's John Locke.
What is this? Whale sounds.
Okay.
You can change it if you want.
Yeah? What the hell? Oh, no, no, no.
This is such a great song.
Yeah, I snuck an Al Green song in there.
I want them to get together.
Sue me.
Did you see this? According to their rules, we may not have enough hotel rooms within city limits.
I know.
It's a silly rule.
But maybe they'll be reasonable and not care.
Yeah, maybe we could just point out to them there are tons of hotel rooms just outside city limits.
Uh-huh.
Have you been to the Granville Hotel and Spa? Uh-uh.
They have the softest towels.
Oh, I gotta tell you.
I love a nice towel in my life.
Me too.
I know.
I mean, it's the simplest luxury, but it makes all the difference.
Their bath mats are amazing.
It's like stepping on a lamb.
Oh, hold on.
Hey, come here.
You've got an eyelash on your face.
I got it.
Make a wish.
Learning to speak Mandarin.
Unit three.
Get away from me.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I'm allergic to fingers.
Where are you going? Maybe we should just not talk to each other for the rest of the trip, and I'm just gonna concentrate on the presentation.
Okay.
This is my little brother.
Next up.
The delegation from Pawnee, please? And, so, as you can see, Pawnee has 12 beautiful baseball diamonds, and our seats have extra cushioning due to the massive size of our average citizen.
I have to bring up what happened the last time Pawnee hosted this tournament.
No, you don't.
Good evening.
We begin with our first story tonight.
They're cute, they're cuddly, but now they're wreaking havoc at the State Little League Championship.
Pawnee's raccoon infestation.
Have these little bandits stolen our sense of safety? The raccoon problem is under control.
They have their part of the town, and we have ours.
Muncie is larger.
Bloomington is more central.
What's the advantage of doing it in Pawnee? The advantage is that it's a wonderful city.
I mean, look, I've been to and Pawnee is special.
I mean, the people are passionate and kind.
They love their city.
They take pride in their work.
It's a very, very special place.
Hey, it's Tom Haverford back here with Know Ya Boo.
Let's move to the next question.
Where is your favorite place to smush your boo? Donna! Back of my Benz? Let's check in with your boo! He said, "Her Mercedes"! Jerry and Donna on fire.
April? This question is gross.
That's kind of the point.
What's your answer? In our bed, I guess.
Andy? Where's your boo's favorite place to smush? Get over it.
No, you get over it.
You like some other dude's band more than me.
Do you even think Mouse Rat is the greatest band in the world? 'Cause it's starting to not feel that way.
That band is really important to me.
And, honestly, I've asked you to listen to them, like, a million times, and you never have, so 'Cause their music is sad, and depressing, and weird.
And art is supposed to be happy and fun, and everyone knows that.
You know what? Whatever.
Forget it.
Fine, forget it.
Damn! This game's got juice.
This is your lunch.
Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? If you wanna eat all of it, great.
If you wanna throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative.
But here I come, the government, and I get to take And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.
But that's not fair.
You're learning.
Uh-oh.
Capital gains tax.
Well, Chris says congratulations and that together we're unstoppable.
Wow, cheers, sir! Yup.
You did it.
No, you did it.
No, normally I do it.
This time, you did it.
Well, all right.
You should take the praise.
Can I get a shot of you guys? Yeah.
Sure.
Hey, when this thing's over, do you wanna grab some dinner? Chris recommended a place.
Sure.
Yeah? Hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer.
You want in? You wanna grab some grub? Uh, no, thanks.
They have great burgers.
Well, you don't even know where we're going yet.
I'm sure they have great burgers there, though.
Come on, photographer.
Last chance.
Okay.
Well, then, it's just us then.
Yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
I tried.
And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country.
Lauren, ready to head back? Well, I guess it's time for you to head home.
I've really enjoyed talking with you.
You are, and this is not a joke, much smarter than most of the people who work in this building.
I liked talking with you, too, Mr.
Swanson.
Ron.
Hang on, hang on, I have something for you.
This is a Claymore land mine.
Use that to protect your property.
Thanks, Ron.
You got it.
Tommy Hilfiger iPhone app, finally.
Hey, your stupid Know Your Boo game made me and Andy get in a big fight.
He just sold his guitar, and he's, like, quitting music now.
What do you want me to do about it? Okay, welcome to the super awesome bonus lightning round.
First question.
Andy, who did your boo say makes the best mac and cheese in the universe? The universe? Kraft? April said Best couple ever.
You just won 50 points.
Wait, why? We got it wrong.
Next lightning round thing.
Who is the number one Colts fan in the world? Wait a minute.
You set this whole thing up so I would be un-mad at you.
Well, guess what, ain't gonna work.
You figured out April's trying to trick you.
That's worth 100 points.
Wait.
No.
Goodbye.
You were really great in that presentation today.
Oh, thanks.
I liked the stuff you said about Pawnee.
That was really nice to hear.
You know, Pawnee is a really special town.
I love living there.
And And I look forward to the moments in my day where I Where I get to hang out with the town and talk to the town about stuff.
And the town has really nice blond hair, too, and has read a shocking number of political biographies for a town, which I like.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
And I know we can get into trouble, but I can't take this anymore, and I feel like we have to at least talk about it.
I mean, it's not just me, right? No, it's not just you.
Oh, God.
What? Are you Are you all right? Perfect.
I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine.
I'm going to the bathroom.
The whiz palace, as I like to call it.
And I'm not calling Ann, so Ann, we have a serious code Ben.
Well, it's not really code if you say his name.
He told me that he liked me, and I'm gonna go make out with him right now.
On his face.
That's awesome! No, no.
Read me the script.
Seriously? Yes! All right.
"Leslie, it's Leslie Knope from the Parks Department "speaking to you through Ann Perkins, friend and beautiful nurse.
" Thank you.
"Do not do anything with Ben.
"Be responsible, no matter how cute his mouth is.
"Your job is on the line!" Shut up, Ann! You wrote that.
No, you Then, Leslie, Leslie, you don't know what you're talking about.
I care about him very much, and I've had two and a half glasses of red wine, and what that means is I'm gonna go make out with him right now, and it's gonna be awesome.
Yay! No, you're supposed to talk me out of this.
No.
Don't.
Stop.
Shut up, Ann, I'm doing it anyway.
Yay! Leslie! When Ben told me that you had won the bid, I was wildly ecstatic, and I had to come up here and celebrate with you.
There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do.
So, what's the plan now? Should we take a long walk? Mini-golf.
I'll probably Shouldn't we just go back to Pawnee? Yeah.
Nonsense.
There's no reason to drive all the way back home.
I've got a perfectly good condo right here in the city.
Oh, we couldn't put you out like that.
Double nonsense.
I would love to have you stay with me.
Leslie, you can take the guest room, and, Ben, you have to sleep on my couch.
It is literally the comfiest couch you've ever been on.
This is weird.
We're on Chris' couch.
Yep, we are.
And I'm wearing his clothes.
Well Well Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, and my bladder is the size of a thimble.
I urinate roughly I think I might go to bed, too, actually.
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Well, look Good job, again, today.
It was You, too.
Really? Yeah.
Well, that was quick and to the point.
Here's a tip.
The key to a healthy urethra, radishes.
Good, I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
Good night.
Well, now I'm up.
You wanna Boggle? Are you Ron Swanson? I am.
Okay, what exactly did you teach my daughter? You must be Mrs.
Burkiss.
Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters.
This is what she wrote.
"It doesn't.
" Well said.
Is this a joke? No, ma'am.
I legitimately believe that.
I'm a libertarian.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, she is a fourth grader.
And fourth graders aren't supposed to have their heads crammed full of weird ideas.
They're supposed to do cute reports and get gold stars.
I'm very sorry.
I was only And you ate her lunch? And you gave her a land mine? Really? Well, it seemed appropriate at the time.
I How? You know this is my house, right? Yeah, hi.
Do you wanna come in? You okay? No.
Andy is totally mad at me right now, and I don't know how to deal with him.
So I thought I would ask you.
You know, Andy and I broke up so long ago.
I don't think that I'd be the best source to Please.
What happened? He doesn't think I like Mouse Rat.
All I said to him was that this other band was better, but I don't know why he got all mad, because it's like an indisputable fact that they're better.
They're a real band.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music.
So, this isn't really about being right.
It's more about being supportive.
Oh, wow.
I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann.
Sorry.
My instinct is to be mean to you.
I understand.
O-M-G.
Leslie, I read that same article.
"The History of the Ladder.
" It's utterly fascinating.
Ben, you're gonna love this.
Really? Do you know that the original image of a ladder is in a cave in Valencia, Spain, drawn over 10,000 years ago.
Oh, my God.
How about some music? This is amazing.
What is this? Oh, man, I love this song.
The pit Wait a minute.
You were in the pit We all were in the pit The pit I was in the pit You were in the pit We all were in the pit What is this? Living out my dream.
Playing a show with the greatest band ever.
That's my guitar.
You bought it back from Shoeless Joe? I actually stole it from his office, but whatever.
He's a weirdo.
Maybe April doesn't think that we're the greatest band in the world, but, man, she loves me.
And I love her.
So, you know, who cares.
I got the greatest wife in the world! Stop.
We're married! We're totally gonna do it later! Oh, my God.
Well, actually, I think it's good that Chris showed up, 'cause I wasn't thinking clearly.
I love my job, Ben loves his job, and it's just not worth the risk.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Chris just wanted me to drop off these receipts.
Oh, well, he's not here.
He took off.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
All I'm saying is, keep an open mind for a while.
Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can.
Then when you're 18, you can drink, gamble and become a libertarian.
The drinking age is 21.
I know.
Another stupid government rule.
So you'll write a new paper? Yeah.
Can you autograph this one for me? Sure.