Parks and Recreation s04e03 Episode Script

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and Muriel Fathwright Korbleman Foundation, and Sweetums Cares, a nonprofit group that puts umbrella hats on homeless people when it rains.
Welcome to Thoughts for your thoughts I'm Derry Murbles filling in for David Parker, who took off for eight months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels.
We have not seen him since.
My guest today is author Leslie Knope.
The book: Pawnee: The greatest town in America.
I wrote a book.
The first historical guide to Pawnee.
I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then, my campaign advisor said we should make it a big, wide release.
So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is! Leslie, could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words, which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted? One could say that.
But should one? Join us next week when David Bianculli will be filling in for Richard Chang-Jefferson, who will be filling in for me.
Leslie, would you like to take us out? Okay.
"Please enjoy a song "from the lesbian Afro-Norwegian Funk duo, Nefertiti's Fjord.
" Oh, wow.
They are terrible.
Oh, yes.
Th-they're quite awful.
But they are lesbians, so-- Usually, I only read nautical novels and my own personal manifestos, but I'm proud to make this exception.
Thank you, Ron.
I expect all of you to buy additional copies.
But I wanted the first one that you owned to be delivered and signed by me.
God, this goes on for, like, seven pages! I started thinking about you as a woman, and as a person, and I got carried away.
Okay, mine just says, "Get well soon.
" Aren't you sick? No.
Something's off.
Leslie, I loved your book.
- I read it cover to cover.
- Wow.
I just gave it to you an hour ago.
I'm a speed reader.
I can read over 3,000 words a minute with total comprehension.
One time, I read all of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.
Pawnee's most notorious businessman in the building.
I brought some Entertainment 720 pillowcases for your pillow.
"Never stop dreaming.
" Tom Haverford.
"I never do.
" Chris Traeger.
Respect.
Game recognize game.
Tom, I have Pawnee Today in an hour.
Was my book selected for Joan's cook club? Joan Callamezzo has a book club? Joan Callamezzo started a book club four years ago.
And now she is the literary tastemaker in the town.
The Time Traveler's Optometrist, by Pawnee's own Penelope Foster.
A heartwarming story about a caveman eye doctor who travels to present-day Cincinnati and can see everything but love.
Unreadable.
Then Joan slaps her sticker on it, best seller, four years in a row.
You told me you could get me that sticker.
- Did you get it? - I'm trying, Leslie.
But Joan got an anonymous tip that there's a factual inaccuracy in your book.
That's impossible.
I checked every detail with the historical society.
Did she say what it was? She won't tell me.
I think she wants one of her big "gotcha" moments.
Well, she's not gonna getch me.
I found no inaccuracies.
Joan Callamezzo claims there is a mistake in my book, which there is not, and so now, she's tryin' to get me on a tiny technicality.
So just in case there is a mistake, which there is not, I need all of you fact-checking every single detail.
Jerry, I need you to hit the road and re-interview everyone who lives out of town.
On it, boss.
The rest of you, call me as soon as you find the mistake that does not exist.
Do you think there's actually a mistake in here? I doubt it.
If there's one thing Leslie's not, it's sloppy.
She's also not brief.
This is gonna take forever.
It's just us, I hope.
I wish.
Hey, guys! Ready to do some fact-checkin'? Here we go.
Helping Leslie.
Okey-doke.
Hi.
Joan Callamezzo.
Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Ben Wyatt.
W-we've met.
I don't think so.
Yeah, I was on your show.
Nope.
I'm tryin' to find the words to describe this girl without bein' disrespectful Getting the book into Joan's book club will really help Leslie.
But it'll also help my company, Entertainment 720.
At the risk of bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails.
Behind every successful man Is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
Now, about Leslie's book.
Am I gonna be happy? We'll see, won't we? Ooh! Wow, you guys are really cute together.
Ben, I'm cute together with everybody.
Anyone find any mistakes? Yeah, actually.
In here, it says that Pawnee is great.
But in reality, it's terrible.
Let Tom know we haven't found anything.
Hey, I'm thinking about getting a new phone.
Do you guys like your phones? I've never used a phone in my life.
What about you, Ron? Do you like your phone? Here's my goal.
I'm gonna get these two people that I've known for a long time to talk to me for five minutes.
Who am I kidding? One minute.
One minute would be amazing.
So, Leslie.
You're a real native of Pawnee, aren't you? Yes, I was born and raised here, Joan.
And I love the town so much, I literally wrote the book on it.
I have it right here.
And also, in this hand, right here, I have a sticker.
Which, when applied, legally determines the newest selection of Joan's book club.
UhOhWhoa! Where-- over here? Back here? - Where is it now? - Come on, stick it.
Ooh.
Oh, hang on-- Stick the sticker.
Stick the st-- No, no, no.
Not so fast.
We received a tip that you, Leslie "born and raised" Knope, were not born in Pawnee.
What? Gotcha! And because you lied about it, we cannot make this a book club selection.
I was born in Pawnee.
I'd stake my reputation on it.
I have to tell you, this feels like gotcha journalism.
In what way? That way.
You put "gotcha" on my face.
After the break: Where was Leslie Knope actually born? Pawnee! We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.
Joan gotcha Oh, God.
Not the gotcha dancers.
betcha thought you'd get away witcha butcha got caught, didn't ya? Joan gotcha .
Tnat was despicable! I am horrified at her tactics.
That said, the show was pretty lively.
Joan gotcha! don't it hurtcha? It's very catchy.
Okay, Ben, Tom, you stay here, stay on Joan.
Get that sticker.
Chris, Andy, we're gonna stay on schedule, and we're gonna do some damage control.
All right.
Everybody move! Move, move, move! This entire event is under federal jurisdiction.
Unless he's in trouble, there's only one man for the job.
Bert Macklin, FBI.
You thought I was dead? So did the president's enemies.
Call if you need us.
Okay.
All right, so we don't have to fact-check anymore.
But Leslie wants us to be on ready-alert one just in case something comes up.
Now I can get some real work done.
You know, I think I'm just gonna hang out here with you guys, if that's cool.
It's not.
Great.
I could leave.
I could.
But I'm not going to.
I will get my one minute of small talk, damn it.
And it will be casual, and it will be amicable! Did Leslie leave? We wanted her to sign the gotcha wall.
Joanie.
Come on, now.
What was that? I thought we were gonna get that sticker.
Sorry, Tom.
But I am, first and foremost, a journalist.
Let us take you to lunch.
Okay? We'll talk about the book.
And Whatever else may come up.
Let me go change into something more tantalizing.
All right? So, what? We're taking her to lunch now? Ben, Leslie hired my company to get her that sticker.
You're the one that told me "businesses" need "clients" to get "money.
" I was the first one to tell you that? Don't worry.
This is in the bag.
Joan's a married woman.
She wants what she can't have.
It's a game of cat and mouse.
Thank you all for coming.
Our journey begins on page one, the preface.
Oh, boy.
Yes? I think I speak on behalf of everyone in the entire world when I say We need to know the truth about where you were born.
- Okay.
Well-- - Leslie? Let me handle this.
Does it really matter? I mean, how many of you were actually born in Pawnee? Sure enough.
No matter what you heard, ma'am, the truth is, I was born here.
If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate? Well, I don't carry my birth certificate around - with me-- - Why? Because you're hiding something? You should go back where you came from.
I am back from where I came from! That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China! Tell us! - That's ridiculous! - Is it? I'm from here! This crowd getting very hostile, Ms.
Knope.
I'm gonna get you outta here.
- Oh, my God.
- Back off! Okay, okay.
Thank you.
Go, go, go! When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.
That never happened.
So, Joan, how is married life treating you? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world? Santino and I are divorcing.
Oh.
It's actually quite liberating.
I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite.
I'm like a caged peacock, yearning for the wind on her haunches.
That's a powerful metaphor.
Maybe we can get that book club sticker in order, and we can work on unlockin' that peacock cage.
Things have changed, Tom.
Don't make any promises you can't keep.
I'll have another drink, and so will this adorable hunk of caramel to my right.
Drink up, Tom.
I'm gonna go powder my nose Amongst other things.
If you know what I mean.
Crap.
Is she gonna powder her vagina? - You gotta help me, man.
- Why? Seems to be going the usual amount of gross.
No, this is way different.
She's not married anymore.
She had, like, five bottles of alcohol, she's callin' me "caramel.
" You've gotta throw some cold water on this situation.
Start talkin' about nerd stuff.
You know, nerd culture is mainstream now.
So when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, means you'the one that's out of the zeitgeist.
Yes, that's perfect.
Just like that.
Be incredibly boring.
Well, I've made a little progress.
I'm up to four seconds with April.
Hey, April.
I was looking to get some new music, and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.
The Internet.
I really like your haircut.
- W-w-where'd you get it? - Prison.
How's your sister doin'? She has the shingles.
Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City? Alf.
And Nine seconds with Ron.
You're stranded on a desert island.
What is the one thing that you bring with you? Silence.
We did a flash poll.
now believe you're lying about where you were born.
Honesty is important to voters.
What? Why? Whatever, I can end this now.
Here's my birth certificate.
Mm-hmm.
Well, this just says "Wamapoke County.
" Yeah.
That's the county Pawnee is in.
Well, no.
This won't do it.
See, you staked your reputation on this.
So you need to go down to the county records office in Eagleton and get the original, long-form certificate.
Oh, God.
Don't make me go to Eagleton.
Eagleton is the land of rich, snobby jerks.
There's a whole chapter about it in my book.
I could write a second book about Eagleton and how stupid it is.
And I'd call it Eagleton: The land of rich, snobby jerks.
Hello and welcome to the Wamapoke County Records Office, here in beautiful Eagleton.
My name is Alexis Pratchett.
Take it down a notch, Alexis.
I need a copy of my birth certificate.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
It takes three to eight weeks to receive a birth certificate.
Really? Hi, I'm Chris.
I was wondering if you might make an exception for me? Oh, I'm sorry.
No.
Wow.
That usually works.
Oh, God.
I hate this stupid town with all its stupid, terrible people.
I need that birth certificate.
Leslie, wait here.
Bert Macklin is on the case.
- Andy-- - No.
Don't worry.
I can do this.
Believe in me! That's broken.
Hold on.
Leslie.
Real quick.
Uh, spell your last name for me.
Let's hear it for the boys Whoo! Wow.
That was as long as it was loud.
Take me home, dumpling.
It's beddy time.
Ah.
Hey, Ben.
You like Star Trek.
Talk about that for a little bit.
They're making a sequel I'm assuming with the same alternate timeline.
But if J.
J.
Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk Well, let's just say, the message boards are goin' nuts.
I wanna take you both home and [bleep.]
bend you over and just [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.]
.
at the same time.
Whoo! I'm leaving.
Wait, wait, wait.
We gotta get her home.
Tom, I know your business is failing, but this just isn't worth it.
It's not about the business anymore, man.
Sh-she's a disaster.
We gotta make sure she gets home safe.
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
What the hell? Okay, let's get her on the bed.
- Okay.
One.
- Oh, my God.
Two.
Three.
Let's go, bro.
Say what you will about Joan, but she knows how to decorate a bedroom.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
Where the hell am I? I just wanna see how soft these sheets are.
One second.
Tom, no.
Come on.
Let's go.
Ah! Joan, we left you some water and aspirin by the bed! Bye! Got it! Got it! Nice! I also got this dude's briefcase.
It was just layin' there.
Kind of a panic move.
I believed in you, buddy.
But you should put that back.
Okay.
Okay, so.
Leslie Barbara Knope, born January 18th, to Robert and Marlene Knope, in Eagleton, Indiana.
I'm from Eagleton! Is it true mom? Was I born in Eagleton? Yes, it's true.
No! Pawnee hospital was overrun with raccoons at the time.
So we had to go to the next closest hospital.
I'm sorry.
Did you expect me to give birth to you in an infested, disease-filled room? Mom, why didn't you tell me? You try telling that little girl she's not from Pawnee.
I certainly couldn't.
So you were technically born in Eagleton.
Who cares? I care.
The people of Pawnee care.
I wrote on the cover of my book that I was born in Pawnee.
I went on Pawnee today, and I called Joan a liar! I'm the liar.
I'm worse than a liar.
I'm an Eagletonian.
Morning.
Is Leslie here? Aw, man.
I am so tired.
I took a half-shift at the hospital last night.
And I had this really weird patient.
Weird how? I probably shouldn't talk about it.
It's one of the grossest things I've ever seen.
Talk.
Well, this guy came in.
He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out.
- Was there a lot of blood? - What kind of blade did he use? Uh, three-and-a-half-inch? Serrated? Buckets of blood.
He passed out over his arm, and slumped onto the floor.
Did the bone show? Very good question, April.
Answer her.
Yeah.
The bone showed.
Everyone in the universe loves a gross medical story.
Boom! I win! And so when I finally cleaned up the vomit, I found the toe.
I forgot about the toe! So did we! Crazy, right? That story's awesome! Indeed.
Thank you for sharing, Jenny.
Ann was getting a little chummy.
When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
That's a genius move.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Lester.
Oh, my God.
I wonder who else was born in Eagleton.
Voldemort, probably.
Bad news, team.
Entertainment 720 was unable to get the sticker for Leslie's book.
The sticker is the least of my problems.
If I come clean about where I'm from, then my political career is over.
You don't have to tell them a damn thing.
The only thing the voters need to know about you is your name.
And even that, I go back and forth on.
I'm sorry, but I disagree.
Leslie, where you were born is a piece of trivia.
Where you're from That's what makes you who you are.
And you are from Pawnee.
You're more Pawnee than anyone I know.
So I say, tell them the truth, and trust that they're gonna respect you for it.
Damn it, he's right.
Well said.
Thanks, Ron.
You're welcome, Steve.
Joan.
Thanks so much for havin' Leslie back on the program.
Well, thank you for getting me home last night.
I wasn't, uh, feeling very well.
Because of some bad seafood that I ate.
Yes, that's probably what it was.
I'd like to apologize to those that I've misled.
I thought I was telling the truth, but, sadly, I was born in Eagleton.
Wha--? Well, that is worse than I ever could have hoped for.
I learned something, Joan.
It's not where you're born.
It's where you're from.
When I was nine years old, I broke my arm.
Sledding on that giant hill behind Kernston's rubber nipple factory.
- You know, "nipple hill".
- Of course.
- It gets very slippery there.
- I know that.
- Especially when it's wet.
- Yes.
And, Jim.
Jim Kabernick.
I know Jim.
Jim and I have gone to school together since we were, like, three years old.
Yes, that's true.
Do you remember when you peed your pants in second grade? Why--why did you bring that up? I said yes.
You stuck your underwear in your drawer, and you got really embarrassed, and then the teacher came over and pulled them out.
And everybody called you "the gerbil" because you always smelled like soiled wood chips? Leslie, for God's sake, we're on TV.
The point is you can't choose where you were born.
But you can choose where you live.
I love this town.
I always have.
I always will.
And that's why I wrote a book about it.
And that's why I'm running for City Council.
Look, I'm not crazy.
I know Pawnee isn't Paris, or London, or Chicago.
But it's a great place to live.
And work.
And serving the goofballs in this town is an honor and a privilege.
And, yes, every town claims its diner's waffles are the best in the world, but somewhere, in some town, there really are the best waffles in the world.
So delicious, and rich, and golden brown that anyone who tasted them would decide never to leave that town.
Somewhere, those waffles exist.
Why can't it be here? Joan put us in her book club.
Although I could do without this.
Leslie? Here's the thing.
I've been all over the State.
Indianapolis, Bloomington, Lafayette, Muncie, Gary All the places you mention in the book.
And I interviewed all the people you mentioned.
And so far, there is not one incorrect fact.
So now I'm going to head to the house, say hey to Gayle, wish my daughter a happy belated birthday It was yesterday And then I'm gonna head back out and hit all the towns in the southeast.
But is there anything I should know? Any new info? No.
You're doin' great.
Godspeed.
- Doin' what I can.
- Yep! Hey, Ron.
Gotta go, Donna.
Can't talk.
He just seemed so happy.
I didn't say anything.