Parks and Recreation s04e09 Episode Script

April! Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft.
- Aw, for me? - Don't sass me.
And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said "Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer.
" What's your question? My question is, what the hell? Like, how did they know who you are? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Um, there are these things called cookies, where, like you go to a site and buy something, it'll remember you and then create ads for other stuff you might want to buy.
So it learns information? About me? That seems like an invasion of privacy.
Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.
The point is, Ben and I have been dating on and off for about a year.
I am, of course, shocked And not just because Ben usually prefers tall brunettes.
We're very sorry for the position this puts you in.
What's happening? Are you hugging me, or are we fighting? Are you hugging or fighting? Let me know.
Neither of those things.
I love both of you.
You are exemplary government employees.
"Exemplary"? That's the word we were thinking of.
- Well, it's true.
- Isn't it? Which makes what I'm about to say even sadder.
Then don't say it.
I'm launching a full investigation into the extent of your wrongdoing.
Please report Monday first thing to the council chambers for your ethics trial and subsequent punishment.
I told you we'd feel better.
Hey.
It's 6:30 in the morning.
Your hearing doesn't start for another two hours.
Well, I wanted to get here early, you know, get a feel of the room.
- So you got here-- - 3:00 A.
M.
I couldn't sleep anyway.
Well, I wanted to sneak in before you got here-- an absurd pipe dream I now realize was impossible.
Is that a present for me? Yeah.
What do you think? Li'l Sebastian.
Yeah, I had him made for you at the toy store.
Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful.
- You're welcome.
- I was talking to him.
- Of course.
- But also to you.
Thanks.
I wish we could go through this together.
Look, it's going to be okay.
You're just gonna get a slap on the wrist, maybe a brief suspension.
That's not okay.
That's gonna go on my permanent record.
I'm not the kind of person that has a permanent record.
For me, a slap on the wrist is like a kick to the nuts.
I know it is.
What's gonna happen to you? Don't worry about me.
Well, look, I'll be outside all day, right on the other side of that wall.
So, if you miss me, you just look at this Wrinkled, hideous monster and you'll know I'm sitting there - rooting for you, okay? - Okay.
All right.
- Go.
- Okay.
Marcus Everett Langley was Pawnee's greatest lawyer at the turn of the century.
His nickname was "Old Stone Face" because of his steely demeanor and because he got in an accident at the rock quarry and dynamite blew up his face.
Leslie Knope! Good morning! It is snowing outside.
Isn't that great? You seem like you're in a good mood.
Actually, I'm quite miserable.
I admire and respect you, and dragging you through an ethics trial is filling me with sadness.
I have never felt so low.
Well, you're radiating pure joy.
I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots.
And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St.
John's wort, and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums.
And now my mouth feels like a spaceship.
This is stressful.
And stress leads to depression.
And if I don't mantain an extremely high dosages of herbal remedies, I will get very depressed.
Oh, God.
It's happening right now.
We are here today to determine whether Leslie Knope violated any municipal rules or laws due to her romantic relationship with her superior Ben Wyatt, whose hearing will be held tomorrow.
Would you like to make a statement at this time? Yes.
I freely admit to the relationship, and I will not be fighting the charges that we violated Chris' rule.
But we did nothing else wrong or unethical.
In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors, which was a class "A" felony.
Although she felt the law unjust, she acknowledged that she had broken it, and she nobly accepted her punishment-- to be set adrift on Lake Michigan like a human popsicle.
Look how calm she looks.
That's how I feel-- totally zen.
Ms.
Knope, on what day did your relationship with Ben Wyatt begin? Last May, at your request, Ben and I drove to Indianapolis to bid for the state little league tournament.
The night we returned was the first time we kissed each other on each other's mouths.
It was excellent.
That was unnecessary to add.
I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
Next question-- did you ever receive special treatment as a result of your relationship with Ben Wyatt? I received adorable nicknames and amazing back rubs.
Oh, you mean professionally.
No.
And did you break any local, state, or federal law in an effort to cover up your relationship with Ben Wyatt? Absolutely not.
Thank you.
Ms.
Knope, that is all.
Mr.
Traeger, this says you're gonna be calling 14 witnesses.
Is that correct? Uh, yes, sir.
Why so many? I've already admitted that I broke your rule.
It's not my rule, Leslie.
It is an important rule that exists in every government.
Romantic relationships between superiors and their employees lead to fraud, corruption, and misuse of public funds.
And you think I'm guilty of that? I think that you began your relationship with Ben Wyatt earlier than you're saying.
I believe that you certainly received special treatment, and I think that you may even be guilty of bribery.
None of those things are true.
And I will prove it, Mr.
Traeger.
Okay, ten-minute break please.
Here you go, boss.
Okay, guys, we need to counter every charge that Chris has leveled against me.
- Andy, I need evidence.
- Got it! Wait! You don't know what evidence.
Ah, right on.
Yes.
Hit me.
Next to my desk is a picture of a female politician-- Bella Abzug.
Get the key that's taped to the back of that picture.
It opens up my bottom desk drawer in there are some files-- pay attention.
Where are you looking? Look here, focus here.
Get the files in the drawer, and then get all the file boxes in the office.
Put the files in the drawer.
Let's go.
- No.
- Okay, I'll go with him.
Thank you.
Ron, Chris has 14 witnesses.
I need you to talk to all the department heads and find out who's gonna testify.
I don't know the names of the other department heads.
I'll go with him.
Seriously? With the men in this office? - Ann? - Yeah? I need you to text me every 30 seconds - that everything's gonna be okay.
- Okay.
Thanks, Ann! I broke one rule, and I will accept a slap on the wrist.
But when you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed.
You go down in history as a frozen whore.
I'm fighting.
Hey, grab my computer.
I'm all set.
- Great.
You're up next.
- How is Ben? Is he sad? - You need to cheer him up, Ann.
- Ben is fine.
He says he's sorry he's not in here.
He said to look at the monster.
I'm hoping you know what that means.
There's a rumor going around that Chris has a killer witness.
How? Why? That makes no sense.
There's no killer witness, because we didn't do anything wrong-- unless someone's planning to lie or slander us.
Okay, just to be safe, find out who it is and silence him.
- With pleasure.
- Wait.
Let me make it clear.
Don't silence him.
Just make sure he can't talk.
Okay, we're back.
Clear this chamber, please.
Ms.
Perkins, Chris Traeger has questioned when my relationship with Ben Wyatt began.
I'd like to direct you to your inbox and specifically an email entitled "yay".
That's Y-A and 18 "Y"s and 44 exclamation points.
Yes, it is an email from you.
Oh, and there's an attachment.
Mm.
Intriguing.
Could you play the attachment, please? Sure.
In a world on the brink of financial meltdown In a town unlike any other An adorable man with a cute face and the future president of the United States-- what?-- went from being friends to being so much more.
Ann! Ben and I hooked up last night! Aah! And I learned how to use iMovie.
Call me later! Bye! So what was the date you received that email? - Uh, May 12th.
- May 12th The day after we returned from Indianapolis.
Mr.
Haverford, would you consider Leslie Knope a good employee? Did Tom Ford turn around the House of Gucci? I do not know, but I'll assume that that is a yes.
How long were you two lovers? - Excuse me? - Oh, God.
Last march, I witnessed Leslie Knope and Tom Haverford engaged in a passionate yet tender kiss.
It seems that Ms.
Knope has a pattern of becoming involved with her co-workers.
Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing? An online dating site randomly paired us up.
So, as a joke, I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating.
And then you kissed me as a joke To shut me up.
But we never had any other romantic contact after that.
No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.
No, it wouldn't.
Well, we've been at it for hours.
And I did have some problem with my character witnesses.
I don't know why Leslie Knope's on trial.
Ethel Beavers did it! - Beavers did it! - Sit down.
I will hold myself in contempt of the court! Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it.
I took it home, and I spaced.
I forgot.
I'm gonna bring it back.
It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard.
What laptop? Objection.
But other than that, I think I'm winning.
I've refuted every one of Chris' claims so far.
I have here a receipt from Pawnee Supersuites Motel.
Leslie Knope submitted that receipt for reimbursement.
Taxpayers' money is not meant to be spent on a romantic getaway.
Donna, will you please describe what we were wearing the evening you saw us? Um, khakis and button-down shirts-- your basic white people clothes.
And when you walked into the room, what did it look like? Did it look like anything romantic had happened? Oh, hell, no.
I have ruined my share of hotel rooms, and trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room.
It kind of looked like an office.
Maybe because it was an office.
City Hall was being fumigated, and we need to pull an all-nighter.
The only thing that was ravaged were these federal grant proposals that Donna had dropped off earlier.
I've seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order, and it's paying off big-time.
And by the way, we got the gramps-- grants.
God! Oh.
It was gonna be such an awesome moment.
So, Ethel, you've been to a million of these ethics trials.
- What do you think my chances are? - I'd say it's 50/50.
You want to put money on it, I'll give you 60/40 against.
Is it ethical for a court stenographer to bet on the outcome of a hearing? You tell me.
You're the one on trial.
Ron Swanson to the stand, please.
Mr.
Swanson, there has been a question posed about when my relationship with Ben Wyatt ended.
Can you confirm that you own a cabin - at 930-- - Ah! Stop, please.
I don't like to give out my address to anyone, much less have it on an official record.
Ron, don't be ridiculous.
This is very important.
- Do you own a cabin-- - Ah! - 9301 Cedarcrest Dr-- - Beep! I didn't hear that.
She's here.
Who's here? My ex-wife--Tammy two.
I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.
Good nose, Ron.
Tammy Swanson is here.
She'll be my next witness.
Tammy two is your killer witness? Please! You're gonna have to do better-- Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath who could say or do anything-- A pretty good killer witness.
Ms.
Swanson, do you, as you claimed, have evidence linking Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law breaking? Absolutely.
I have several photographs that will definitively prove-- May I remind you that you are under oath, and if you lie, I will fire you and have you prosecuted.
Nothing.
They will definitively prove nothing.
You cut me off.
I don't have any evidence.
Oh, Chris-- so silly.
Okay, bye, guys.
Leslie, have fun with this trial.
Yay! I think I've proven that the only rule Ben and I broke was dating each other.
And I am very happy that I have not uncovered any additional evidence of unethical behavior.
But I-I do have one last witness-- George Williams from Public Works.
George Williams? Who's-- Oh, George Williams-- He's just a maintenance worker, NASCAR enthusiast, I believe.
And, oh, interesting tidbit-- I once bribed him to keep my relationship with Ben quiet.
You're saying that you saw Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope kissing at Li'l Sebastian's memorial? Yeah! Can you identify Leslie Knope in this chamber? - She's right there.
- Right-- And what happened after this incident? Well, I got real nervous.
They came up to me, and they told me to forget what I saw.
What you saw was not what you think it is.
I have a gift certificate, actually, for you.
Oh, my God.
And then they gave me a $50 gift certificate to a spa and said And thank you for your discretion.
- And did you use it? - Yeah.
I got a facial.
My wife said my skin was luminous.
That's enough.
Now, in order to cover up their illicit affair, Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope bribed a city employee.
George, I notice that you're wearing glasses, yet on the day in question, I don't recall you wearing glasses.
Could it be because you weren't wearing glasses? I never wear 'em on the job.
Can you take your glasses off, please, and read this for us? "I could read this if I weren't so blind.
" Well, that went terribly.
I need to check some facts and figures.
I would like to request a 55-day recess.
You can have 30 minutes, but we're nearing the end here, Ms.
Knope.
Okay, guys, my only hope is that in one of these old books, there's some weird, arcane statute or government rule that helps me.
So everybody grab a volume, and let's just read up.
Okay, mine doesn't have any pictures.
Does anyone have anything? Did anybody find anything good? In 1856, the city council banned all sexual positions except for missionary.
And two years later, they banned missionary.
speak out of turn, he may be caned across the shinbone.
Oh, my God.
Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks.
Look, I know we're not supposed to be seen together, but I think Ben could be really helpful with this.
- Can somebody go get him? - All right, I'll go.
"Any woman caught laughing is a witch.
" That's true.
Um, he's not there.
No, he said he'd just be on the other side of that wall.
- He's probably in the bathroom.
- All right, I'll find him.
This mural is called Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee.
All the terrible things that have happened in this town's history are on one side.
And on the other side are all the good things that have happened.
I'm on the bad side.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am, Ron.
I'm guilty.
I did something bad.
I'm a bad person.
It's not that simple.
You know what makes a good person good? When a good person does something bad, they own up to it.
They try to learn something from it, and they move on.
Guys, everybody stop reading-- no more loopholes, no more fighting.
Are you sure, boss? Yeah.
I know I let you down.
And I just want to say I'm really sorry.
Leslie, what are you talking about? Yeah, this makes me like you more.
Bribing someone to hide a sexcapade-- I'm proud to call you a friend.
And I always liked you.
Okay, we're back.
Clear the chamber, please.
I think I'm about to get fired, Ron.
Ms.
Knope, unless you have any objections, we'll be ending this investigation and moving on to the punishment phase.
I have no objections.
We hereby hand down the following judgment.
You will be suspended for two weeks with pay.
- Just two weeks? - Correct.
This concludes the investigation.
I thought I was gonna get fired.
I should've gotten fired.
Why didn't I get fired? Ben asked for a private meeting with the committee, and he took full responsibility for the bribe and resigned, effective immediately.
What? Wait.
Hang on.
You can't let him resign.
I tried to talk him out of it, but His mind was made up.
Look, my job is to protect the government from fraud and corruption.
I was just doing my job.
I hope that you can understand that.
I do.
Honestly, I do.
'Cause your actions wounded me to my core, which is not easy since the bulk of my workouts are focused on core strengthening.
But we will get through this.
You are An excellent government employee.
And more importantly, you're the only person I've ever met who's worthy of being Ben's girlfriend.
I hope that's true.
You know, the meeting that Ben and I had-- it's on the record.
You should take a look at the last page of the transcript.
"Mr.
Wyatt: Chris, for God's sake, "would you mind not jumping for a while?" Mr.
Traeger: "Sorry, Ben, but" This is how I fight depression.
Okay, fine.
I'll stop.
Thank you.
Okay, so you are prepared to resign, effective immediately, and take full responsibility for all the events that transpired at Li'l Sebastian's memorial.
- "Mr.
Wyatt: That is correct.
" - That is correct.
"Mr.
Traeger: Okay, fine.
"This makes me sadder than I previously thought "humanly possible, but I accept your resignation.
Can I ask you one more question?" Was all of this-- all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job-- Was it worth it? Yes.
It was.
"Because I love Leslie.
I want to be with her.
"And I don't want to hide "the way I feel about her anymore.
"So, yeah, it was worth it, "because I'm in love with Leslie Knope.
"Mr.
Traeger: That was beautiful.
"I'm literally crying and jumping.
"Crying noise, crying noise, nose blow.
"Mr.
Wyatt: It's gonna be okay.
Mr.
Traeger:" Oh.
Let it out, I guess.
"End transcript.
" Hi, honey, how was your day? Oh, I've had better.
How about you? I can't believe you did that for me.
Well, I was pretty sure it was gonna happen one way or the other.
I hope it doesn't affect your campaign.
Don't worry about that right now.
There was a piece of testimony that came out during the trial that I think you'd be interested in.
Ethel? Ethel, could you please read page 132 of the official testimony? "Ethel Beavers: The official record "has now annoyingly been reopened "so that Leslie Knope can make a statement.
"Leslie Knope: Let the record state that I, Leslie Knope, "love Ben Wyatt.
"I love him with all of my heart.
"Did you get that? Ethel Beavers: Yes, I got it.
" Thank you, Ethel.
Can I get a ride home? It's freezing.
Can you please state your name for the committee? - Gary Gergich.
- Oh, God, Jerry.
You can't even get your own name right.
Actually, my real name is Gary.
Gary? On my first day here, the old director-- he called me Jerry, and I just didn't think I should correct him.
That's ridiculous.
Your name is Jerry.
No.
Legally my name is Gary.
Gary Gergich? Jerry Gergich.
Gary Gergich.
Jerry Gergich.
Gary Gergich.
Jerry-- God, they're both horrible.
But Jerry's better.
I'm gonna call you Jerry.
Okay, Jerry, do you remember a time I'm sorry.
I can't get over the Gary/Jerry thing.
Neither can I.
Jerry, you can go.
We need a five-minute break.