Parks and Recreation s04e22 Episode Script

Win, Lose, or Draw

I will certify the results after all the precints have reported.
A final tally within 1% would trigger an automatic recount.
In the event of an exact tie, the seat is awarded to the male candidate, and the female candidate is put in jail.
Once again, I have to object.
I don't think it would hold up in court, but it is city law.
- Any questions? - Yes, actually.
At the 11th hour the Newports are trying to install these voting machines at several precincts around town.
Watch what happens when I vote for Bobby Newport.
Good choice.
Enjoy a voucher for a complimentary Sweetums candy bar.
Shouldn't we be rewarding our citizens for voting? I'm never against anyone getting a candy bar, but watch what happens when you vote for me.
Are you sure? Take a second and think it over.
Then you have to press it again.
To cancel your vote and select someone better, press the Sweetums logo.
I'm sorry.
I just don't see the problem.
Bobby Newport and I are separated by a razor-thin margin.
Could go either way.
I've only slept nine hours over the past four days, so I'm right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
This isn't a bagel.
Party starts at 7:00 in the historic Jermaine Jackson Ballroom at the Pawnee Supersuites.
It is no longer "A Pimps n' Hoes" pajama party.
That idea was nixed by a certain uptight nerd who shall remain nameless.
By 10:00, we should know if Leslie won the election, but more importantly, tonight, Ann and I are getting back together.
Oh, right, because of the dream you had? Last night at approximately 2:30 A.
M.
, I woke up from a dream that felt so real that it had to be a premonition.
Me, Drake, and the T-mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet.
Ann Perkins walks up to me, and she says, "Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back.
" Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million.
It was all so real.
The reason why Bobby and I are appearing together is to send the message that everyone should get out and vote no matter who they're voting for.
That's right.
Another awesome point by Leslie.
That's why I'm voting for you.
What's so funny? They're laughing at your joke.
What joke? I am voting for you.
You're not voting for yourself? Leslie, you can't vote for yourself, I don't think.
I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
Anything else? Hey, you did an unbelievable job on this campaign, Ben.
My partners back in Washington think so too.
Well, Leslie gets the credit.
Not me.
Look.
Your opponent is legendarily stupid and I phoned it in pretty hard, but you have a knack for this.
I'm running congressman Murray's reelection bid.
Ohio, 19.
I need someone to coordinate out of D.
C.
You want to do it? Yeah, that sounds great, but the Pacers called, and they're asking me to be their starting point guard.
I'm being serious, Ben.
What? What, you trust me with a congressional campaign? Is this a trick? No.
This is a job offer.
Give me your answer soon.
I need you in Washington in two days.
Look at that thing.
What is that? Don't touch it.
Ann Perkins.
Can I ask your advice on something? Sure.
Recently in a moment of weakness, I had sex with Bobby Newport's campaign manager Jennifer Barkley.
Seriously? Yes.
Several times.
And then several more times.
And then a couple more times.
And then one more time.
How has this been going on? Oh, it was just last night.
Now, I know it's a one-night stand and that she's leaving town, but our ferocious sexual decathlon did radically improve my mood.
And I kind of like to see her again before she leaves.
Good idea? Bad idea? I don't know.
I guess the campaign's over, so I suppose it couldn't hurt.
Ann Perkins.
April! Got your message.
Where are you? Under the table.
Why are you hiding? Should I hide too? What's going on? I was supposed to copy all the department files onto a thumb drive, and it kept freezing, and I got annoyed, and I don't know what happened, but all the files are gone on every computer.
They're all gone.
Babe, they're all gone.
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
First of all, you did the right thing by hiding under this table.
Secondly, your man is here.
I'm gonna take care of this for us.
I've been playing Xbox for years.
I'm really good at fixing it when it freezes.
I know exactly what to do.
Try it now.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
What about my speeches? Finished both of them last night.
One if you win, one if you lose.
What if I tie? You need to write a tie-speech for me, something about the poetic nature of democracy and how I'm going fight this thing from my prison cell-- Leslie, relax.
We're done.
All that's left is the waiting.
Okay? What were you talking to Jen about? Oh, nothing.
No, I just-- yeah, nothing.
She-- she's-- nothing.
Nothing.
It's nothing.
Hey, what's a good place to buy jeans? You have plenty of jeans.
What were you talking about? Jen offered me a job working on a congressional campaign Oh, my God, that's amazing.
In Washington.
What? Are you happy or angry? I don't know.
I don't know.
What did you say? Did you say, "yes?" I haven't had a chance to think about it.
I mean, it sounds amazing, but you know, six months in Washington, D.
C.
Away from you, but you know, we should talk about it.
Yeah.
We'll just talk about it.
You know, we'll mull it over, we'll look at it from every side.
Et cetera, et cetera.
Just-- I'm going to go vote, just fulfill a lifelong dream of mine and achieve one of my all-time happiest moments real quick, and then we will talk about it.
Cool.
Leslie, I can't figure this thing out.
Can you help me? Yeah, just hang on a second, Bobby.
Ink all over my hands, and the pen thing-y came off the chain.
I don't get it! The polls have just closed, and now we're getting results in the race for city council.
With just 1% of the precincts reporting, adult film star Brandi Maxxxx has a commanding lead.
Oh, my God.
That's it.
It's not Bobby Newport who's going to beat me, it's Brandi Maxxxx, the porn star.
What is this? Italy? Listen, I know you're stressed out, and I figured you would be, so I took the liberty of arranging a fun little activity for us.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, Ann.
Thank you so much.
I've said this to you before, and I know it makes you uncomfortable Oh, boy.
But you're thoughtful, and you're brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.
Okay, let's go.
Another, Dana, please and thank you.
Ron, I handed out That is a personal best.
Now I'm off to vote.
The polls are closed.
What? No, no, no.
I thought that they close at 8:00.
Oh, my God.
Ron, I didn't get to vote for Leslie.
Oh, my God, what do I do? Nothing you can do.
Except hope Leslie doesn't lose by one vote.
and it's razor-thin and getting razor-thinner.
Oh, boy.
No.
No.
Jen Barkley.
Hey.
What are you doing here? That was fun last night, you old screamer.
There were moments that I didn't fully understand some of the physical shapes that we were making Mm.
But the sensations were amazing.
- So I just went with it.
- Great.
Well, I thought that we could just talk before you left town if that's okay.
No, but there's a supply room over there with a futon.
Great.
Not yet.
Just wait-- we're just getting supplies.
Anybody need anything? Pushpins-- okay, good.
Please hurry.
I told her it's a matter of life and death.
Honey, Donna's been here forever.
She's going to know what to do.
What if she doesn't? I could get fired.
Or even worse, Leslie might give me a lecture on responsibility again, I can't do it.
I'll tell you what, honey.
Here's the deal.
You get fired, I'll quit.
We'll leave together.
I'm serious.
Move to a new city.
Change our names, burn our fingertips off with acid, swap faces.
- What? - If we have to.
Good.
Yes.
Nice.
Keep punching.
- Did I hit your boob? - No.
Sorry.
Great form.
Maybe.
I have no idea actually.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- Yeah! That was good.
I'm exhausted.
How long was that? Boy, that's disappointing.
What are you going to do about Ben? I just-- I've been running for office the entire time we've been dating.
We're just about to get our lives back.
It would kill me if he left.
Then tell him that.
Go find him and tell him how you feel.
And then the two of you could work it out together.
Election results, Ann.
Ann, Ann, I can't read it.
- Okay.
- Ann, my hands.
My hands, Ann.
- Here.
- They're in these round gloves.
Here.
Okay.
Bobby Newport is up by 140 votes.
Okay.
Let's get your hands back up.
- Okay.
- Go another eight seconds.
Oh, God, I'm so tired.
Gin and tonic, please.
Belay that order, Dana.
Lagavulin, neat.
Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
What's on your mind, son? Well, Jen Barkley offered me a job in Washington.
A great job, but I think Leslie wants me to stay.
What would you do? Well, I've never been one for meeting new people or doing new things or eating new types of food or traveling outside of southern Indiana.
I've had the same haircut since 1978, and I've driven the same car since 1991.
I've used the same wooden comb for three decades.
I have one bowl.
I still get my milk delivered by horse.
You do? But you and Leslie like to hold hands and jump off of cliffs together into the great unknown.
You two have a good relationship.
I don't personally know what that's like, but I'm given to understand that means you're going to land on your feet.
So you really want things to just stay exactly the same? But if Leslie wins, you get my old job, assistant city manager, right? Seems that way.
Then good luck to the both of us.
Hey--uh! Hmm! I have an update that contains new information.
With 74% of the precincts reporting, Leslie Knope is now winning by 192 votes.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, lord, please, please.
Let her win.
Please, lord.
Please, lord, let her win.
Please let her win.
I'm just going to say this.
And I realize this after speaking with my best friend and relationship advisor Ann Perkins from the department of health.
Yes, I know Ann.
I don't want you to go to Washington.
I know it's an amazing opportunity, but in just a few minutes, all this craziness is going to be over, and I just want to have dinner with you.
Like normal people.
Yeah, then I won't go.
Really? Yeah.
Easy.
I mean, I was on the fence about it anyway.
Washington's really far away, and I don't know if I want to work with Jen.
I mean, this just seals the deal.
I'll stay.
Oh, thank God.
What a relief.
Guys.
It's been neck-in-neck, too close to call all night, but now we're ready to make a call in the race for city council.
Bobby Newport Oh, no.
Scion of the Sweetums candy empire and amateur go-kart champion has won the race.
Why are you laughing? Because my dream is dead.
Oh, oh.
Oh, [Bleep].
Recount! There's a recount.
Oh, come on.
It's over.
Just concede.
Newport won by 21 votes.
That's well within the margin for a recount.
Please don't do this.
I really want to get out of here.
How about this-- why don't I make you guys a deal? Okay, there's no deal in the world that we would ever possibly-- I'll give you Joe Biden's home phone number.
Now, hang on.
That's interesting.
No, no, you're not thinking clearly.
Mr.
Commissioner, the recount has to start immediately.
It's the law.
Now I'm not leaving until you make the call.
He's right, Ms.
Barkley.
It'll start right away.
- Keep your phones on.
- Terrence! I just want to go home.
Hey, any news? They said the recount could take two hours, but who knows.
Man, this is stressful.
I picked the wrong week to do a juice cleanse.
Okay, I think Leslie should say something to the troops just to get everyone's spirits up.
- Where is she? - I don't know.
She's not answering her phone.
What? No one knows where she is? That's a nice chair.
Corinthian leather, solid mahogany frame with what I believe are hand-cut mortise and tenon joints pinned with oak.
I was really looking forward to sitting in it.
Figured this might be my last chance.
You don't know that.
Ron, for the last six months, my friends have worked so hard.
Every five-minute coffee break at work, every night, every weekend, every spare moment of their lives, they gave to me.
If I lose, I'll never forgive myself.
You deserve to win.
We didn't volunteer to help you because we wanted to wrap ourselves in personal glory.
We did it because wecare about you.
You had a dream, and we wanted to support your dream.
That's what you do when you care about someone.
You support them, win, lose, or draw.
Let's go back to the party.
You drive.
I've had 11 whiskeys.
Okay.
That's good on places to live.
Let's go back to dream jobs.
If we had to start a new life, I have Detective, FBI agent, policeman, CIA agent.
So we need more for you.
Let's go.
- Andy, I-- - It's fun.
I'm trying to help you take your mind off of this horrible mistake you made deleting all these files, probably the worst thing to ever happen in Parks and Rec history.
You will certainly get fired, and I'm trying to help.
God.
So dream jobs, go.
Dream big, kid! Fine.
Uh, dental hygienist who's also a medium, so I can clean people's teeth and tell them when they're going to die.
That's brilliant.
Let's make this fast.
I almost made it with Councilman Howser before you interrupted us.
Which files did you delete? All of them.
I just put the stupid flash drive in, and then I tried to drag everything over, and-- Fixed it.
- What? - What? How? Jerry accidentally deletes things all the time.
Ten years ago, I installed my own secret backup.
- You saved us, Donna.
- Oh.
- I love you.
- Oh.
Okay.
Bring it in, boy.
There you are.
Thank God.
We're going to get the final results any minute.
I know.
Do you have both my speeches? Yes.
You seem calmer than I expected you'd be.
I got you something.
Let me open it for you.
You have to go to Washington.
I told you I'm turning it down.
I was being selfish.
You put your whole life on hold for me.
The very least I can do is try to return the favor.
Are you sure about this? We can make it work.
I will visit you, then you come visit me.
And then I go visit you again.
And then we make out in the Lincoln bedroom And the Jefferson Memorial and the Supreme Court gallery.
We'll do it all over Washington.
Thank you.
Where did you get a Washington Monument figurine at midnight on a Tuesday? From my office.
I have, like, 50 of them.
Right.
The recount's over.
They just called the race.
Oh, God.
It's still 21 votes.
But you won.
You won, Leslie.
You won by 21 votes.
It's confirmed.
It's over.
You won.
That was really sneaky, Ann.
I know.
I couldn't resist.
Honestly, I've never been more relieved in my entire life.
I didn't ruin it.
I thought I ruined it, but I didn't ruin it.
You're kind of ruining it now.
Great.
That is great news.
I'm going to see you in D.
C.
- Yeah, I guess you will.
- Yeah.
Oh, damn it.
Didn't get a chance to say good-bye to Chris.
Oh, he's just right over there.
Eh.
He seems really busy.
Anyway, would you tell him I said good-bye? Great! Thank you.
Sorry we didn't get a chance to meet.
- I'm Ann.
- That doesn't matter.
I'm leaving.
Congratulations, Mr.
Assistant City Manager.
I'm very grateful, Chris, but I think I'm going to turn down the job.
Really? Why? I like where I am.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Did someone just talk about a job opening? Because guess who's got two thumbs and was just cleared from insurance fraud? This guy, you know? Got off on a technicality What's the gig? I'm in.
There's no job for you.
Smart move.
Go with your gut.
All right? I'll talk to you guys soon.
Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.
Some day, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the concession speech you wrote for me.
I never wrote it.
And I know all of you know how hard she worked to get here.
She is the next city councilwoman from the great city of Pawnee, ladies and gentlemen, my best friend in the world, Leslie Knope.
The idea behind this campaign was a simple one: That with hard work and positivity, a group of people can make a difference during my term as your city councilor Thank you.
I want to focus on your hopes and not your fears.
I want to solve problems instead of creating friction.
And I will work hard every hour of every day to make Pawnee a better place to live because I love this city.
And I know firsthand, how very special the people of this city are.
I owe this victory, all of it, to my friends and my supporters.
No one achieves anything alone.
So let's embark on a new journey together.
Let's break out a map.
Not the old, out-of-date one that shows where we've been, but a crisp new one that shows where we might go.
Let's embark on a new journey together and see where it takes us.
Tommy! This party was amazing, you're amazing.
You are ridiculous, but I like you, and I think that we should date--all of it.
Let's do it.
Let's date.
This is my dream.
Nostra-Thomas is happening.
- Awesome.
- Hey, let's move in together.
Phhhht! Totally.
- Really? - Yeah.
All right, no take-backs when we sober up, little partner.
No take-backs, partner.
We're cowboys.
Great win, great night.
Great year.
Hot wife.
Jackpot.
Good job, me.
Oh, my God.
Babe.
You know what? Almost everything you wrote on that board as a dream job was some type of police officer.
Yeah.
You ready to go? No, listen to me.
- Mm-hmm.
- How does this sound? "Officer Dwyer, Pawnee PD.
" Guys, we're going to JJ's for victory waffles, and then we're staying up all night talking about our lives and our feelings.
Nonnegotiable.
Let's go! City council, bitches! - Jerry forgot to vote.
- Damn it, Jerry.