Parks and Recreation s05e06 Episode Script
Ben's Parents
It's so beautiful - and sparkly.
- I know.
And it's a nonconflict diamond.
When Andy proposed to me, he gave me a ring pop, but then he ate it first.
How did Ben do it? Let me start from the beginning.
- Uh-oh.
- In 1832, Ben's great-great-great-great- grandfather, Teodore Wyatt, a bastard, met a beautiful seamstress from Antwerp.
Ben and I are getting married, and I've been telling everybody about it.
I'm so happy, I want to shout it from the rooftops.
And she has.
We've gotten several noise complaints.
- We're getting married! - All right.
Mm, the joy that I am feeling right now is profound and unmatched in the modern era.
And I can't tell you what it means to me that I'm the very first person that you chose to tell.
Oh-- Let me walk around with you as you tell everyone else so that I can share true joy being spread, please? Hey, everyone! We have something very exciting to tell you that you have never heard before.
- Ben and I are engaged - What? And you're hearing about it for the very first time right now.
Come on, everybody! How about a little excitement? Leslie and Ben are engaged! Nothing will ever come between them! Leslie and Ben are-- What's going on? Leslie and Ben are engaged! Again? - You guys! - Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah! Aah! - Okay, T-minus six hours until the engagement party.
Has you-know-who responded yet? Surprisingly, no, Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet.
Well, he kind of waits until the last minute.
That's his style.
Put him down as a "maybe.
" - Are you excited? - Yeah, totally.
I-I just have two small requests.
One, put Twizzlers on the candy table, and two, cancel the party because you invited my parents, and they can't be in the same room together.
Okay? Great, thank you.
No to canceling the party, and no to Twizzlers.
We are a Red Vines family.
You're gonna have to get used to that.
I know you're scared, but I love you, and this party is gonna go great.
Well, if there's anyone who can bring my parents together, it's no one.
No one can ever bring them together.
My family situation is complicated.
My parents got divorced and they hate each other.
Okay, I guess it's not that complicated.
Okay! You guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company.
Be super critical.
You're short.
And herewego! Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein Creators of Entertainment 720 Proudly present - Rent A Swag! - Wah! Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them? Then rent them! From Rent A Swag.
I own it.
You rent it.
You wear it.
You clean it.
You return it.
I get rich.
Wink! Rent A Swag! Where your swag is my business! Okay, stop.
You guys, stop! Stop! And your business is my swag Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Please.
.
There's actually a lot more, but tell us your thoughts so far.
It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
- Yes! - No! It's terrible.
It's terrible, you guys.
I love you, baby.
You're so smart.
You're presenting this to Ron Swanson.
Don't talk about any of your old, failed businesses, get rid of that stupid light show, and definitely don't use any weird, made-up words that Ron doesn't understand.
But the presentation's tomorrow at 8:00 a.
m.
We don't have time to start from scratch.
Well, if you do any of that, he's not gonna invest, so Your funeral.
Hey! I'm glad you're here.
Let's go over the plan.
Okay, you and I go stargazing in Harvey James park, while my parents slowly strangle each other in the living room.
- No.
Your mom arrives at 7:00.
We hand her a glass of chilled white wine, and, oh, look, my mom is walking over, and they're both educators and mothers.
What a fabulous coincidence.
Then later, Stephen Wyatt shows up--that's your dad.
Yes.
He's terrifying.
We make some small talk, and 30 minutes later, I show everybody the big surprise.
The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt.
Ben and I are weaving our lives together, so I have woven this quilt.
It represents every member of our new united family.
Of all my metaphorical art projects, this is by far the coziest.
- This is amazing.
- I know.
I worked really hard on it.
And, out of respect, I did not include any images of the only other man in the world who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden.
- Yes, you did, right there.
- Hmm? Oh, well, that's just a little one.
The point is, this quilt is going to unite the Wyatt clan.
It's beautiful, and it won't.
Everyone, before everyone else gets here, I'd like to make a little toast.
My romantic life has been a bit of a mixed bag lately.
And when that's the case, it's hard not to be cynical about love and relationships, but it's couples like you that give hope to the rest of us.
Leslie, you deserve the best, and you found it.
Ben, don't you dare hurt her.
I won't.
Don't laugh.
She means it.
Okay, I-I won't.
Seriously, son, don't hurt her.
Okay, I'm not planning on hurting her.
- You better not be.
- I'm not! Hey, Ben, you best watch yourself.
Why would any of you think I would hurt Leslie? You're all my friends too.
Nah.
This was literally the most beautiful and moving thing that I have ever heard.
There, there, baby boy.
Take all the time you need.
Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win.
But overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship? Jean-Luc Picard.
No contest.
Hey, your mom's here.
I need you.
Thank God.
- There's my boy! - Hey, Mom.
Nice to see you.
This is Leslie Knope, my fiancee.
Hi.
It's--it's really nice to finally meet you, Ms.
Wyatt.
Oh! Please call me Julia.
Is your father here yet? - No fighting tonight, Mom.
- Don't worry! I'm going to be civil, as long as he is.
Frankly, after what he did at Geoffrey's graduation-- Oh, I have some white wine for you, some Chardonnay.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Right this way.
- Hey, you guys, come on in.
- Thank you.
Ann.
Hey.
You all right, man? The toast that you gave to Ben and Leslie was so beautiful, and I'm feeling very raw from my therapy.
I am so happy And so sad.
It's like a perfect storm of emotions.
And so I'm hiding out here, so I don't ruin this party for my two amazing best friends who I love so much.
Oh! There's no more tissue.
- Everything ends! - No, no, no.
No, there's more tissue.
- There's-- - Everything goes away.
And I said, rules or no rules, I just have to kiss that beautiful face.
Well, that's a Knope woman for you.
When we see something adorable, we attack it.
He is adorable, isn't he? You chose well, Benny.
Aw, thank you.
So far, so good.
I'll admit it.
Things are going surprisingly well.
Yeah.
And pack it up.
It's over, we're screwed.
He brought his girlfriend? He wasn't supposed to bring his girlfriend, Ben.
Oh, Ben! Your father brought his little plaything.
- Hiya, Benny.
- Hey, Dad, hi.
Hi.
Unh.
Hi, Ulani.
Thought you weren't coming.
Ulani is my girlfriend, and she's important to me, and I need her here.
Ulani, hi, I'm Leslie.
What a wonderful surprise.
We're so happy that you're here.
What the hell, Steve? They didn't know I was coming? We didn't know it was spring break.
Okay, thanks, everybody, for coming.
I'm so sorry you all have to go home.
Hey, Red Vines anyone? We're a Twizzlers family.
Okay, we are off to a rocky start, but we are gonna fix this.
Yes, we will.
I called a cab.
It's outside.
I gave the driver 100 bucks to sit and wait, so whenever we're ready to go-- like, maybe right now-- all we have to do is walk outside.
No, I want to be here now, with you and your parents.
Help me make this work.
Okay, fine.
Best thing to do is distract them with innocuous talk - about the stuff they care about.
- Great, like what? Well, they're white people from Minnesota, so hockey, fishing, skiing, sailing, and after a few drinks, put on a Prince album.
Don't mention the Green Bay Packers or the state of Iowa.
And also, I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Australia tonight.
- Everything okay? - Uh, slight speed bump.
Everything is terrible, but I am going to fix it with my secret weapon.
Okay, well I will make sure that everything else runs smoothly.
Ann, you are such a good friend.
You are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox.
Thank you, ox, for keeping this ship afloat.
You got it.
Guys, I need your help, okay? Chris is in the back room, and he's crying.
Go in there, calm him down, make him feel better.
Leslie and Ben have enough to deal with, okay? Thank you.
Wait, why is Chris crying? - Uh, he's emotional.
- Wait, why is Chris emotional? Because he's in therapy right now, and it's dredging up a lot of stuff for him.
Wait, wait, like what kind of stuff? Like, I don't know, his friends are getting married, and he's not dating anyone.
Why isn't he dating anyone? Yeah, why don't you date him? Because I'm dating myself right now, okay? I'm--I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy.
Ugh, why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much? Just go, okay? Thank you.
- Ron in 60 seconds.
- Tom.
I haven't seen you tonight.
I've been working on my presentation.
I just came by to congratulate Leslie, and then I'm heading back.
I admire the work ethic.
I'm always looking for new investments.
Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine, I have put all my money into gold, which is currently at an all-time high.
So I have a certain amount of money.
I've said too much.
Looking forward to tomorrow.
Yes About that.
I was wondering, is there any chance we could reschedule? I just want to make sure everything is up to my world-class "standees.
" I like to keep my appointments, son, and I like others to do the same.
Of course, yes.
No problem, 8:00 a.
m.
tomorrow.
I think you're gonna be very impressed with our presentation.
"Our presentation"? Who else is joining you? Ricka ricka ricka ricka! Swanson.
- Jean-Ralphio.
- That's me.
I didn't realize you were a part of this.
Of course he is.
He's my business partner.
Shh! Clean! Business partner, now and forever.
Hold up! Forever 21.
Salute your shorts.
Kaboosh! I just free-associated all over the "mousse-tache.
" That's just one of many skills he brings to this business partnership.
What are those, shrimp? Ah! Okay.
Rethink that move, son.
Let's just drive back.
I feel weird.
Steve, you like sailing, right? Not any more, since Julia got the boat in the divorce and then sold it to a scrapyard because she's terrible.
Well, at least you don't have to deal with all that boat upkeep now, right, huh? Yech, no thankee.
Let's talk about something other than sailing.
Why don't you head in the other room? I have a surprise that-- there she goes.
There's a surprise for you, so, um, head on in.
I don't like surprises.
Okay, look, you gave it a try, but this quilt thing is not going to work.
Ben, on three separate occasions, I have used a quilt to mend fences.
In ninth grade, a quilt ended an argument between my two best friends, and a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry parking lot feud of 2006.
What was the third time? Right [Bleep.]
now.
Okay, I still don't think it's gonna work, but I am really attracted to you right now.
I know.
Let's do this.
Police, open up! We have a warrant! Just kidding, it's us.
- Ha, we got you! - Andy and April.
We have someone who wants to see you! Champion! Come here.
Hey, big boy.
You are such a brave, good dog, with so much spirit.
You've overcome so much.
You are the most wonderful dog in the whole world.
And I am so happy for you.
Okay, everyone, I have a surprise for all of you.
Voila! The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt! It represents our two families coming together, and there is a personalized square for each member of our joint family, see? - Sweetheart, this is lovely.
- Thanks, Mom.
Where's my square? Well, you're not technically-- - Not technically what? - Not technically an adult.
This is a very thoughtless omission, Leslie, and as far as I'm concerned, if there's no Ulani square, this is not a legitimate unity quilt.
- Oh, that old Chestnut.
- Okay.
I will make an Ulani square.
Very, very easy.
Okay.
Look, this is your square now.
What does "Ulani" mean? "Cheerful.
" Sure.
All right.
Look at that.
Unity! It's that simple.
All we had to do was-- I don't want her name on my quilt.
It's not your-- it's everyone's quilt.
It's a unity quilt.
I think it's mean that you didn't do a square for me.
It's a disaster is what it is.
You can say that again, Steve.
See, Ben, they're agreeing.
It's working.
Okay, I'm thinking we junk everything except the mannequins.
Ron's gotta see how dope the outfits are.
That's the business.
Why are we going to Ron? Ron should be coming to us! We created Entertainment 720.
Which was a huge failure.
I don't know-- Look, a bank's not gonna give us a loan, and Ron loves my entrepreneurial spirit.
Trust me, he's our best chance at getting start-up money.
I hear that.
Let's go clubbing.
No, we gotta work.
Didn't you hear me say we gotta junk most of the presentation? Tommy, I will always be there for you, no matter what, but right now, I cannot be there for you because I have to go.
I hate to say this, but Sometimes you've gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.
That was beautiful.
That changed me.
I'll give you ten minutes.
You have to try to eat something, okay? Mmm! Wow, that's amazing.
See? There you go.
This one's not as good.
All right, Chris, here's the plan.
I'm just gonna list off happy things until you're cheered up.
Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music-- - and I'll list terrible things to bring you back down.
Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth.
This is weirdly working.
It's evening me out.
- Okay, keep going, keep going.
- Laughter.
Snails crawling out of your mouth.
- The beach.
- Snails crawling out - out of your mouth.
- Cute cats.
Snails crawling out of your butt.
Dave Matthews Band.
Dave Matthews Band.
Look, Dad, Leslie worked really hard on this, so can you just cool it for, like, 30 seconds? Sure, I can.
But your mother can't.
See? She's ruining your quilt, just like she ruined our marriage! Mom! Oh, I didn't know we could cut that.
It had to be done, Ben.
It absolutely did not have to be done.
Look, champagne! Yeah, why don't we just forget about the quilt - and just raise a glass? - Yes! Toasts are fun.
They usually signify the end of a party.
Here you are, Ulani.
I'm good, thanks.
Oh, by all means, go ahead and take it, Ulani.
Or, wait, are you even old enough to drink? Yes, Julia, I am, but I can't because I'm pregnant.
You're what? Oh, boy.
I didn't mean to steal your spotlight, but the cat's out of the bag.
Young Ben is going to have a new baby sister, huh? Still firing bullets, son.
I cannot be in the same room as him.
What about the wedding? I'm talking about the wedding.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Wyatt family.
It's like the war of the Wyatts out there! - I mean, it's so brutal! - Oh, my God.
Were you and Dad ever like that? Well, like any married couple, honey, your father and I fought occasionally, and sometimes he won the argument, and sometimes I won.
But usually, we forgot what we were arguing about and just had sex.
- La la la la la.
- Anyway, the important thing is that we always ended up on the same team.
And in the same bed.
God, I miss that man.
How can you be so wise and so inappropriate at the same time? I'm a parent.
I can't figure out how to phrase this mission statement.
Let me get a shot at it.
I'm actually pretty good at this stuff.
See? You just googled, "Amanda Bynes side boob.
" What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Why is your safesearch on? That is amateur hour, Tom.
Listen, we've been at this for an entire evening.
I say, why don't we cut our losses? If it was such a good idea, we would be millionaires by now.
Hello.
Look, man, I believe in this idea.
Do you? You know I love you, but I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am.
Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.
Hey, I got your text.
What are you doing? I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine.
Get in the car.
We're going to Australia.
- Leslie-- - I am so sorry for everything.
I love you, and I want to be on your team.
I am on your team, but I think that our team should be far away from here.
Normally, I would get in the cab with you, but I am so sick of them ruining everything, and I really liked that unity quilt.
- It was a good quilt.
- It was an awesome quilt.
Look, my parents are insane, but they need to be at our wedding.
You know what? It's time for this team - to come up with a new plan.
- I agree.
Phase one of our new plan, you get in the backseat of this cab, and we hardcore make out for 15 minutes.
I would love to do that.
I'm just not sure if the driver would be okay with it.
For another 100 bucks, you can do whatever you want.
Let's do this.
Swan song! What up, my man? - Ow, are you kidding me? - Jean-Ralphio.
I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation.
No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere.
- Do you know what I mean? - You abandoned your friend? God, no.
He fired me, straight up.
Talked about how I wasn't serious enough about the project, how he needed to grow up.
Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you.
Condoms with pictures on them.
- Pass.
- Good.
Smart.
I think you made the right decision.
Take care.
Oh.
Chris? Seems like the storm has passed.
Indeed it has.
I can't believe that I spent the entire party in a room being happy-sad on a night that means so much to my two best friends.
I mean, you're going through a lot.
You need to purge all this stuff that's been building up.
This lesbian nurse is right, Chris.
You can't keep it all bottled up.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe all of my emotions tumbling out like this means that I can get a clean start.
Well, for that, you're gonna have to visit the bathroom first.
- Right? - No.
- Ann Perkins! - Nope.
You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor.
That's all I ever wanted to be.
This was supposed to be a happy occasion.
You were supposed to come here, celebrate your son's engagement, maybe bury the ax? And not in each other's back.
But it did not work out that way.
So here is the new plan.
I don't expect you to like each other, but you have to come to the wedding, okay? We'll seat you far away from each other.
You don't even have to socialize.
Yeah, in fact, we insist that you don't.
But you do have to show up and tell us that you had a great time.
That's the deal.
You can either take it, or you can take it.
I can take it.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too, Benny.
- Sorry.
Whatever.
Aw, what a beautiful apology.
- Julia - Guys.
Sorry.
Ben's parents are insane, but he is not.
He's amazing.
And that's all that matters.
I guess he might become insane as he ages.
I should keep an eye out for that.
Also, for the record, my unity quilt worked.
So technically, I am three for three with unity quilts.
We only have Let's go.
Oh, okay.
Get ready, driver.
We're gonna make out so hard in the back of your cab.
Are you okay, son? Did you get any sleep? Uh, not really.
I stayed up most of the night.
But that's not important.
Let me tell you about Rent A Swag.
- Now-- - No need, Tom.
I'm in.
I like doing business with serious people, and when you removed yourself from the company of that moron, you showed me you're a serious person.
- You have your start-up money.
- Wow.
I appreciate it.
Tommy "T"! You just missed the craziest of crazies.
Clubs.
Girls.
Dancing.
Naked.
Mom? Argument.
Police.
Fleeing the scene.
Hiding in a Dumpster.
Coming here.
Crashing on your couch for a week 'cause technically, I'm homeless Hey, "mousse-tache.
" I'ma hit the couch.
You know where I be.
- I know.
And it's a nonconflict diamond.
When Andy proposed to me, he gave me a ring pop, but then he ate it first.
How did Ben do it? Let me start from the beginning.
- Uh-oh.
- In 1832, Ben's great-great-great-great- grandfather, Teodore Wyatt, a bastard, met a beautiful seamstress from Antwerp.
Ben and I are getting married, and I've been telling everybody about it.
I'm so happy, I want to shout it from the rooftops.
And she has.
We've gotten several noise complaints.
- We're getting married! - All right.
Mm, the joy that I am feeling right now is profound and unmatched in the modern era.
And I can't tell you what it means to me that I'm the very first person that you chose to tell.
Oh-- Let me walk around with you as you tell everyone else so that I can share true joy being spread, please? Hey, everyone! We have something very exciting to tell you that you have never heard before.
- Ben and I are engaged - What? And you're hearing about it for the very first time right now.
Come on, everybody! How about a little excitement? Leslie and Ben are engaged! Nothing will ever come between them! Leslie and Ben are-- What's going on? Leslie and Ben are engaged! Again? - You guys! - Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah! Aah! - Okay, T-minus six hours until the engagement party.
Has you-know-who responded yet? Surprisingly, no, Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet.
Well, he kind of waits until the last minute.
That's his style.
Put him down as a "maybe.
" - Are you excited? - Yeah, totally.
I-I just have two small requests.
One, put Twizzlers on the candy table, and two, cancel the party because you invited my parents, and they can't be in the same room together.
Okay? Great, thank you.
No to canceling the party, and no to Twizzlers.
We are a Red Vines family.
You're gonna have to get used to that.
I know you're scared, but I love you, and this party is gonna go great.
Well, if there's anyone who can bring my parents together, it's no one.
No one can ever bring them together.
My family situation is complicated.
My parents got divorced and they hate each other.
Okay, I guess it's not that complicated.
Okay! You guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company.
Be super critical.
You're short.
And herewego! Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein Creators of Entertainment 720 Proudly present - Rent A Swag! - Wah! Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them? Then rent them! From Rent A Swag.
I own it.
You rent it.
You wear it.
You clean it.
You return it.
I get rich.
Wink! Rent A Swag! Where your swag is my business! Okay, stop.
You guys, stop! Stop! And your business is my swag Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Please.
.
There's actually a lot more, but tell us your thoughts so far.
It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
- Yes! - No! It's terrible.
It's terrible, you guys.
I love you, baby.
You're so smart.
You're presenting this to Ron Swanson.
Don't talk about any of your old, failed businesses, get rid of that stupid light show, and definitely don't use any weird, made-up words that Ron doesn't understand.
But the presentation's tomorrow at 8:00 a.
m.
We don't have time to start from scratch.
Well, if you do any of that, he's not gonna invest, so Your funeral.
Hey! I'm glad you're here.
Let's go over the plan.
Okay, you and I go stargazing in Harvey James park, while my parents slowly strangle each other in the living room.
- No.
Your mom arrives at 7:00.
We hand her a glass of chilled white wine, and, oh, look, my mom is walking over, and they're both educators and mothers.
What a fabulous coincidence.
Then later, Stephen Wyatt shows up--that's your dad.
Yes.
He's terrifying.
We make some small talk, and 30 minutes later, I show everybody the big surprise.
The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt.
Ben and I are weaving our lives together, so I have woven this quilt.
It represents every member of our new united family.
Of all my metaphorical art projects, this is by far the coziest.
- This is amazing.
- I know.
I worked really hard on it.
And, out of respect, I did not include any images of the only other man in the world who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden.
- Yes, you did, right there.
- Hmm? Oh, well, that's just a little one.
The point is, this quilt is going to unite the Wyatt clan.
It's beautiful, and it won't.
Everyone, before everyone else gets here, I'd like to make a little toast.
My romantic life has been a bit of a mixed bag lately.
And when that's the case, it's hard not to be cynical about love and relationships, but it's couples like you that give hope to the rest of us.
Leslie, you deserve the best, and you found it.
Ben, don't you dare hurt her.
I won't.
Don't laugh.
She means it.
Okay, I-I won't.
Seriously, son, don't hurt her.
Okay, I'm not planning on hurting her.
- You better not be.
- I'm not! Hey, Ben, you best watch yourself.
Why would any of you think I would hurt Leslie? You're all my friends too.
Nah.
This was literally the most beautiful and moving thing that I have ever heard.
There, there, baby boy.
Take all the time you need.
Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win.
But overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship? Jean-Luc Picard.
No contest.
Hey, your mom's here.
I need you.
Thank God.
- There's my boy! - Hey, Mom.
Nice to see you.
This is Leslie Knope, my fiancee.
Hi.
It's--it's really nice to finally meet you, Ms.
Wyatt.
Oh! Please call me Julia.
Is your father here yet? - No fighting tonight, Mom.
- Don't worry! I'm going to be civil, as long as he is.
Frankly, after what he did at Geoffrey's graduation-- Oh, I have some white wine for you, some Chardonnay.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Right this way.
- Hey, you guys, come on in.
- Thank you.
Ann.
Hey.
You all right, man? The toast that you gave to Ben and Leslie was so beautiful, and I'm feeling very raw from my therapy.
I am so happy And so sad.
It's like a perfect storm of emotions.
And so I'm hiding out here, so I don't ruin this party for my two amazing best friends who I love so much.
Oh! There's no more tissue.
- Everything ends! - No, no, no.
No, there's more tissue.
- There's-- - Everything goes away.
And I said, rules or no rules, I just have to kiss that beautiful face.
Well, that's a Knope woman for you.
When we see something adorable, we attack it.
He is adorable, isn't he? You chose well, Benny.
Aw, thank you.
So far, so good.
I'll admit it.
Things are going surprisingly well.
Yeah.
And pack it up.
It's over, we're screwed.
He brought his girlfriend? He wasn't supposed to bring his girlfriend, Ben.
Oh, Ben! Your father brought his little plaything.
- Hiya, Benny.
- Hey, Dad, hi.
Hi.
Unh.
Hi, Ulani.
Thought you weren't coming.
Ulani is my girlfriend, and she's important to me, and I need her here.
Ulani, hi, I'm Leslie.
What a wonderful surprise.
We're so happy that you're here.
What the hell, Steve? They didn't know I was coming? We didn't know it was spring break.
Okay, thanks, everybody, for coming.
I'm so sorry you all have to go home.
Hey, Red Vines anyone? We're a Twizzlers family.
Okay, we are off to a rocky start, but we are gonna fix this.
Yes, we will.
I called a cab.
It's outside.
I gave the driver 100 bucks to sit and wait, so whenever we're ready to go-- like, maybe right now-- all we have to do is walk outside.
No, I want to be here now, with you and your parents.
Help me make this work.
Okay, fine.
Best thing to do is distract them with innocuous talk - about the stuff they care about.
- Great, like what? Well, they're white people from Minnesota, so hockey, fishing, skiing, sailing, and after a few drinks, put on a Prince album.
Don't mention the Green Bay Packers or the state of Iowa.
And also, I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Australia tonight.
- Everything okay? - Uh, slight speed bump.
Everything is terrible, but I am going to fix it with my secret weapon.
Okay, well I will make sure that everything else runs smoothly.
Ann, you are such a good friend.
You are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox.
Thank you, ox, for keeping this ship afloat.
You got it.
Guys, I need your help, okay? Chris is in the back room, and he's crying.
Go in there, calm him down, make him feel better.
Leslie and Ben have enough to deal with, okay? Thank you.
Wait, why is Chris crying? - Uh, he's emotional.
- Wait, why is Chris emotional? Because he's in therapy right now, and it's dredging up a lot of stuff for him.
Wait, wait, like what kind of stuff? Like, I don't know, his friends are getting married, and he's not dating anyone.
Why isn't he dating anyone? Yeah, why don't you date him? Because I'm dating myself right now, okay? I'm--I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy.
Ugh, why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much? Just go, okay? Thank you.
- Ron in 60 seconds.
- Tom.
I haven't seen you tonight.
I've been working on my presentation.
I just came by to congratulate Leslie, and then I'm heading back.
I admire the work ethic.
I'm always looking for new investments.
Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine, I have put all my money into gold, which is currently at an all-time high.
So I have a certain amount of money.
I've said too much.
Looking forward to tomorrow.
Yes About that.
I was wondering, is there any chance we could reschedule? I just want to make sure everything is up to my world-class "standees.
" I like to keep my appointments, son, and I like others to do the same.
Of course, yes.
No problem, 8:00 a.
m.
tomorrow.
I think you're gonna be very impressed with our presentation.
"Our presentation"? Who else is joining you? Ricka ricka ricka ricka! Swanson.
- Jean-Ralphio.
- That's me.
I didn't realize you were a part of this.
Of course he is.
He's my business partner.
Shh! Clean! Business partner, now and forever.
Hold up! Forever 21.
Salute your shorts.
Kaboosh! I just free-associated all over the "mousse-tache.
" That's just one of many skills he brings to this business partnership.
What are those, shrimp? Ah! Okay.
Rethink that move, son.
Let's just drive back.
I feel weird.
Steve, you like sailing, right? Not any more, since Julia got the boat in the divorce and then sold it to a scrapyard because she's terrible.
Well, at least you don't have to deal with all that boat upkeep now, right, huh? Yech, no thankee.
Let's talk about something other than sailing.
Why don't you head in the other room? I have a surprise that-- there she goes.
There's a surprise for you, so, um, head on in.
I don't like surprises.
Okay, look, you gave it a try, but this quilt thing is not going to work.
Ben, on three separate occasions, I have used a quilt to mend fences.
In ninth grade, a quilt ended an argument between my two best friends, and a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry parking lot feud of 2006.
What was the third time? Right [Bleep.]
now.
Okay, I still don't think it's gonna work, but I am really attracted to you right now.
I know.
Let's do this.
Police, open up! We have a warrant! Just kidding, it's us.
- Ha, we got you! - Andy and April.
We have someone who wants to see you! Champion! Come here.
Hey, big boy.
You are such a brave, good dog, with so much spirit.
You've overcome so much.
You are the most wonderful dog in the whole world.
And I am so happy for you.
Okay, everyone, I have a surprise for all of you.
Voila! The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt! It represents our two families coming together, and there is a personalized square for each member of our joint family, see? - Sweetheart, this is lovely.
- Thanks, Mom.
Where's my square? Well, you're not technically-- - Not technically what? - Not technically an adult.
This is a very thoughtless omission, Leslie, and as far as I'm concerned, if there's no Ulani square, this is not a legitimate unity quilt.
- Oh, that old Chestnut.
- Okay.
I will make an Ulani square.
Very, very easy.
Okay.
Look, this is your square now.
What does "Ulani" mean? "Cheerful.
" Sure.
All right.
Look at that.
Unity! It's that simple.
All we had to do was-- I don't want her name on my quilt.
It's not your-- it's everyone's quilt.
It's a unity quilt.
I think it's mean that you didn't do a square for me.
It's a disaster is what it is.
You can say that again, Steve.
See, Ben, they're agreeing.
It's working.
Okay, I'm thinking we junk everything except the mannequins.
Ron's gotta see how dope the outfits are.
That's the business.
Why are we going to Ron? Ron should be coming to us! We created Entertainment 720.
Which was a huge failure.
I don't know-- Look, a bank's not gonna give us a loan, and Ron loves my entrepreneurial spirit.
Trust me, he's our best chance at getting start-up money.
I hear that.
Let's go clubbing.
No, we gotta work.
Didn't you hear me say we gotta junk most of the presentation? Tommy, I will always be there for you, no matter what, but right now, I cannot be there for you because I have to go.
I hate to say this, but Sometimes you've gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.
That was beautiful.
That changed me.
I'll give you ten minutes.
You have to try to eat something, okay? Mmm! Wow, that's amazing.
See? There you go.
This one's not as good.
All right, Chris, here's the plan.
I'm just gonna list off happy things until you're cheered up.
Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music-- - and I'll list terrible things to bring you back down.
Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth.
This is weirdly working.
It's evening me out.
- Okay, keep going, keep going.
- Laughter.
Snails crawling out of your mouth.
- The beach.
- Snails crawling out - out of your mouth.
- Cute cats.
Snails crawling out of your butt.
Dave Matthews Band.
Dave Matthews Band.
Look, Dad, Leslie worked really hard on this, so can you just cool it for, like, 30 seconds? Sure, I can.
But your mother can't.
See? She's ruining your quilt, just like she ruined our marriage! Mom! Oh, I didn't know we could cut that.
It had to be done, Ben.
It absolutely did not have to be done.
Look, champagne! Yeah, why don't we just forget about the quilt - and just raise a glass? - Yes! Toasts are fun.
They usually signify the end of a party.
Here you are, Ulani.
I'm good, thanks.
Oh, by all means, go ahead and take it, Ulani.
Or, wait, are you even old enough to drink? Yes, Julia, I am, but I can't because I'm pregnant.
You're what? Oh, boy.
I didn't mean to steal your spotlight, but the cat's out of the bag.
Young Ben is going to have a new baby sister, huh? Still firing bullets, son.
I cannot be in the same room as him.
What about the wedding? I'm talking about the wedding.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Wyatt family.
It's like the war of the Wyatts out there! - I mean, it's so brutal! - Oh, my God.
Were you and Dad ever like that? Well, like any married couple, honey, your father and I fought occasionally, and sometimes he won the argument, and sometimes I won.
But usually, we forgot what we were arguing about and just had sex.
- La la la la la.
- Anyway, the important thing is that we always ended up on the same team.
And in the same bed.
God, I miss that man.
How can you be so wise and so inappropriate at the same time? I'm a parent.
I can't figure out how to phrase this mission statement.
Let me get a shot at it.
I'm actually pretty good at this stuff.
See? You just googled, "Amanda Bynes side boob.
" What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Why is your safesearch on? That is amateur hour, Tom.
Listen, we've been at this for an entire evening.
I say, why don't we cut our losses? If it was such a good idea, we would be millionaires by now.
Hello.
Look, man, I believe in this idea.
Do you? You know I love you, but I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am.
Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.
Hey, I got your text.
What are you doing? I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine.
Get in the car.
We're going to Australia.
- Leslie-- - I am so sorry for everything.
I love you, and I want to be on your team.
I am on your team, but I think that our team should be far away from here.
Normally, I would get in the cab with you, but I am so sick of them ruining everything, and I really liked that unity quilt.
- It was a good quilt.
- It was an awesome quilt.
Look, my parents are insane, but they need to be at our wedding.
You know what? It's time for this team - to come up with a new plan.
- I agree.
Phase one of our new plan, you get in the backseat of this cab, and we hardcore make out for 15 minutes.
I would love to do that.
I'm just not sure if the driver would be okay with it.
For another 100 bucks, you can do whatever you want.
Let's do this.
Swan song! What up, my man? - Ow, are you kidding me? - Jean-Ralphio.
I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation.
No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere.
- Do you know what I mean? - You abandoned your friend? God, no.
He fired me, straight up.
Talked about how I wasn't serious enough about the project, how he needed to grow up.
Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you.
Condoms with pictures on them.
- Pass.
- Good.
Smart.
I think you made the right decision.
Take care.
Oh.
Chris? Seems like the storm has passed.
Indeed it has.
I can't believe that I spent the entire party in a room being happy-sad on a night that means so much to my two best friends.
I mean, you're going through a lot.
You need to purge all this stuff that's been building up.
This lesbian nurse is right, Chris.
You can't keep it all bottled up.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe all of my emotions tumbling out like this means that I can get a clean start.
Well, for that, you're gonna have to visit the bathroom first.
- Right? - No.
- Ann Perkins! - Nope.
You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor.
That's all I ever wanted to be.
This was supposed to be a happy occasion.
You were supposed to come here, celebrate your son's engagement, maybe bury the ax? And not in each other's back.
But it did not work out that way.
So here is the new plan.
I don't expect you to like each other, but you have to come to the wedding, okay? We'll seat you far away from each other.
You don't even have to socialize.
Yeah, in fact, we insist that you don't.
But you do have to show up and tell us that you had a great time.
That's the deal.
You can either take it, or you can take it.
I can take it.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too, Benny.
- Sorry.
Whatever.
Aw, what a beautiful apology.
- Julia - Guys.
Sorry.
Ben's parents are insane, but he is not.
He's amazing.
And that's all that matters.
I guess he might become insane as he ages.
I should keep an eye out for that.
Also, for the record, my unity quilt worked.
So technically, I am three for three with unity quilts.
We only have Let's go.
Oh, okay.
Get ready, driver.
We're gonna make out so hard in the back of your cab.
Are you okay, son? Did you get any sleep? Uh, not really.
I stayed up most of the night.
But that's not important.
Let me tell you about Rent A Swag.
- Now-- - No need, Tom.
I'm in.
I like doing business with serious people, and when you removed yourself from the company of that moron, you showed me you're a serious person.
- You have your start-up money.
- Wow.
I appreciate it.
Tommy "T"! You just missed the craziest of crazies.
Clubs.
Girls.
Dancing.
Naked.
Mom? Argument.
Police.
Fleeing the scene.
Hiding in a Dumpster.
Coming here.
Crashing on your couch for a week 'cause technically, I'm homeless Hey, "mousse-tache.
" I'ma hit the couch.
You know where I be.