Parks and Recreation s05e11 Episode Script

Well it's a pleasure to be here, ladies.
I didn't think anybody really cared about my time on the city council.
Oh, we do.
I mean, you are such an inspiration.
Still going strong at 82.
How old is that handkerchief? Well, it's not a handkerchief.
It's a receipt.
Paula Horke was Pawnee's first female city councilor a huge inspiration to me.
Women have come a long way in Pawnee, but we still have quite a ways to go.
I mean, technically, I'm not allowed to reserve this conference room without my husband or father's signature.
Government was a real boys' club back in the '70s.
They smoked their cigars, they snapped my bra, wore mirrors on their shoes to look up my skirt.
Well, I am happy to report that it is now a pervert-free people's club.
Well, except for Councilman Dexhart, who's a self-described pervert.
Yeah, and didn't Milton try to kiss you? Well, yeah, things aren't perfect.
All the other councilmen used to keep a calendar of my menstrual cycle.
Are you kidding me? That is horrible.
They don't do that to me.
Do they do that to me? I once tried to start a commission to try to get more jobs for women in city government, and they dismissed me, saying that it was because it was just my time of the month.
Admittedly, they were right.
Because of the calendar.
Manpigs.
All of them.
You know what, I'm gonna get that commission going, because this inequality has gone on long enough.
You know what, I think men are better than women.
She's kidding.
No, I'm not.
They provide for us, and we must obey them because they are our masters.
April, stop it.
Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone.
We must always walk behind the men.
Sheugh.
Moustache! Dumb-dumb! Moustache! Dumb-dumb! - Hello.
- I just came to drop off some of the employee-- What is happening? The girls are on break, and their sitter had to go out of town for the day, so I'm watching them while Diane works.
I borrowed some markers from Leslie and some stickers from Leslie and a Lite-Brite which I got from Andy.
Girls, this is Ann.
Talk to Ann.
She's terrific.
Hey, dudettes.
You stoked about the weekend? No.
Oh, look at this pwetty, pwetty wittle beads.
They're not infants.
I don't know.
I'm weird with kids.
So you guys like Coldplay? You're weird.
You're Well, hey, girls.
No.
Okay.
Thanks.
An equal gender employment commission.
Leslie, I don't think this is a good idea.
I think it's a fantastic idea.
Oh.
I didn't know where you were going with that.
The lack of women in this government is criminal.
I'm gonna ask each department to send two people to a meeting today.
- Yeah! - And! And--and I can ask Shauna Malwae-Tweep to write an article about it for the Pawnee Journal.
She's my special friend.
That's what you're calling her now.
I don't know what to call her.
I don't entirely understand the behavior of young people.
Recently, we engaged in something called a "group hang.
" It was like a date, but there were seven other people there.
It was very confusing.
I'm not really sure what our label is.
Labels can be bad, but they can also be good.
"Warning: Toxic bleach" is a good label.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep has amazing dimples.
- So the commission? - Yes, right, the commission.
- I'm gonna get that going right now.
- Great.
Okay, I know this text you sent me was a lie and Michael Stipe is not actually here, correct? Correct.
That was a lie.
Yeah, no, I knew it was.
I just couldn't live with myself if it had been true.
And that's why I sent it.
Where's free Skittles? Here you go, buddy.
Aw! He gets his thing? Listen, I need you two to teach me everything you know about basketball.
Rent-A-Swag is doing really well.
I'm on track to turn a profit in my third month.
One problem: All the kids that shop in the store are basketball crazy.
It's all they talk about.
I need to be able to schmooze them, and I can't keep referring to basketball players as "Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends.
" You're just the men to help me out.
One jock, one geek who loves stats.
I'll give you a few minutes to cancel the rest of your plans for the day.
No need.
My only plan was to buy Skittles.
Wow, Chris.
Your gender equality commission is a real sausage fest.
Oh, my God.
You're kidding me.
I just assumed that some of the departments would send women.
Oh, my God.
I am part of the problem.
Excuse me, everyone.
Did anyone notice that there are no women on the Gender Equality Commission? Oh, there's a lady right next to you.
Oh, wait, no.
It's just a very beautiful man.
Yes, okay, we are gonna need to rebalance this commission.
Listen, you did a great job setting it up and getting the snacks ready, but we'll take it from here.
Well, Councilman Milton, I did put the snacks together, and they are delicious, I must say, but that is not the point.
Round of applause for the girl.
She has to leave to get more snacks.
No, I don't! This is my commission! Ouch.
Why so ornery? It's not the 7th yet.
Hm.
Your shoes are red now.
- Yay.
- Hooray.
Hey! Mommy! You survived, huh? Indeed, I did.
How were they? Really? Couldn't have been better.
We had a wonderful time.
Well, that's good.
'Cause my sitter's still out of town, so I really hate to ask you this, but is there any way you could take them again tomorrow? Of course.
I'd be delighted.
You're a lifesaver.
Thank you.
Girls, you wanna spend another day with Ron? Yeah! I believe one problem with hiring women is that they're frail and breakable.
Is it possible you're thinking about light bulbs? - Or your hip? - Mm.
If I were 300 years older, Councilman.
Incoherent ramblings aside, I've done some research, and the female employment rate in government is abysmal.
The number one offender: Sanitation.
All right! No, no, no, stop celebrating.
Why are there no female garbage collectors, Steve? I don't know.
We hire women for other things.
You have one woman, and she's a secretary.
And she's the best secretary we got, except for Dan.
- Dan's awesome.
- Dan.
Garbage collectors make good wages, they have good benefits, and they are the smelly glue that keeps this city together.
You need to hire more women.
Not that many women apply, plus it's a very physically demanding job.
Your average woman can't handle it.
Oh, no? Okay, so I took extensive notes on ways to maximize our efficiency, because we can't be just as good as the men.
We have to be better.
Yeah, you're totally right.
Let's rock this.
April, I love you, but I don't need your sarcasm right now.
I'm serious.
Let's get rolling.
I wanna get into some garbage.
What? I love garbage.
You ever found a dead body in the trash? Or body parts? Like, a torso or a head? Please say head.
Hey, Dewey.
Leslie brought binders.
What do they say? "Pick up garbage.
Put in truck"? Actually, yeah.
That's what's in the binder on every page because I believe in being thorough.
- All right.
- Okay.
Let's do it, trash people! Whoo! Let's feed the beast! Here you are.
I had to search the directory for quite a while.
I thought your last name was Hanson for some reason.
No, it's Perkins.
Always has been.
You seem more like a Hanson.
Anyway, I have the girls again today, and they're asking to play with you.
Really? I thought they hated me.
No, the opposite.
I don't know what you did to 'em, but it worked like gangbusters.
Or they do hate me, and you're just desperate and tired.
Either way, can you help me? I'm out of activities, and they're playing with my land mine.
This thing's cool.
What are these things? Let's play a word association game.
I'll say a word, and then you say the first thing that pops into your mind.
- Okay.
- You.
- Reporter.
- Me.
- City manager.
- Us.
Ooh! Magazine.
Oh! According to Leslie's binder, she and April are making even better time than the guys do on a normal day.
Wow, that's weird.
You know, with us being women and all, you'd think our boobs would get in the way.
Is that accurate Mr.
Phlegner? Is Councilwoman Knope ahead of the regular schedule for this route? Whatever.
No comment.
- Tough stuff.
- Are you posing? I don't have a photographer with me.
Google Earth Always taking pics.
Let's move it out! All right, let's start with the basics.
Uh, why don't you just play some one-on-one, see if you can score? Andy, guard him.
Eh, he's too big.
I can't see over him.
It's not fair.
I feel like everyone should be the same size.
Okay, you have to create space.
You gotta just dribble around him.
- There you go.
- Now what? Shoot! Shoot the ball.
Did I do basketball? Kind of.
Try it again.
Tommy for the dunk! My screen! But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's face like a mask! What is wrong with you, woman? Sorry.
I thought kids liked ghost stories.
Hey, girls! Did you wanna look through my nurse kit? - Yeah! - Ooh, check it out, bandages! We can wrap up the dolls, and pretend they just had surgery.
- Yeah! - Awesome! Yeah, or we can use this hammer and test reflexes.
- Yeah! - Here, Zoe, watch.
Do me! Do me! Do Princess Junebug now! Okay.
You know what, Ron? I can watch them for a little while, if you wanna Take a break.
This is Stacy Knoblauch's house.
I went to high school with her, and she was super mean to me, and now I know that she dyes her hair.
I knew that wench wasn't naturally blonde.
Oh, my God! She has to use prescription-strength deodorant.
This is the best day of my life.
Hey, ladies, someone just called in a pickup.
We have to make an unscheduled stop.
Hope you can handle it.
- It's not in the binders.
- A new challenge? Bring it on, Stevie boy.
Whoo! April, let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome.
And some privacy to violate! - Yeah! - Whoo! Wait, no.
- Oh! - Yes! - Nothin' but net.
- Nice! You are officially a baller.
I've been a baller since birth, son.
Now, I'm an athlete.
Hey! You little chumps wanna play some ball? - Sure.
- Let's do this.
Watch out.
Tommy from half court.
This could really only go poorly.
- He won't get out of my way! - Tom-- Oh, my God! - Yeah! - Yes! Tom, what the hell are you doing? I'm pivoting.
Ben told me to pivot.
I told you you can pivot, not that you can only pivot.
Stop pivoting! All right, that's illegal.
I may not know much, but you can't just steal the ball from another player.
Hey, aren't you the guy who owns Rent-A-Swag? - Yeah! Tom Haverford.
- You suck at basketball, man.
Well, you suck at being polite, sir.
This has been fun, but we have an actual game tomorrow against guys who can actually play.
Let's go.
Andy Dwyer for the dunk! Aw, that wall's so close.
Doctors, the operation is now complete.
Doctor Zoe, could you please use the reflex hammer to see if she's okay? This is the most fun I have ever had with kids.
They even said they wanted to be doctors when they grow up.
Hot tip for you baby-sitters out there.
Let your kids play with medical tools all the time.
- We have a problem.
- What? Oh, my God.
Girls! This is not a negotiation.
- Unlock the door immediately.
- No! We're doing surgery! Only doctors are allowed in here.
Okay.
Stand back, ladies! Ron, no, no, no, no! That's dangerous! Somebody in here's gotta have keys, right? I have keys.
Wha-- Jerry.
I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here.
Well, it's gotta be one of these, right? - Oh, no.
- Ladies, no, no, no, no, no! The patient needs a haircut.
Her hair is infected.
- Hurry, Jerry! - Okay, I'm trying.
- It's not this one.
- No.
Okay, I'm not good under pressure like this.
Zoe, stop it, please! - No! - Zoe, put the scissors down.
Oh! No! Bakery called this in.
Needs to go on that truck right there.
Ah, easy, breezy, beautiful.
That's the covergirl slogan.
I didn't mean to say that.
Okay, here we go! On three! - Okay.
- One, two, three, move it.
On four, five, six, here we go! - You need a hand? No, no, we don't need a hand.
What, you think Joan of Arc needed a hand? - Doing what? - Let me tell you something.
We are not leaving until this symbolic feminist obstacle is loaded onto that truck of women's advancement, and you can put that on the record, Shauna.
Well, you ladies clearly have everything in hand.
Dewey and I are gonna head back to base.
Hope we didn't throw you off schedule.
- Not at all.
- Have fun! Hey, Shauna, maybe not put this part on the record.
You know, leave the earlier part on the record, but if we can't get this fridge onto the truck then maybe not put that on the record, and then just destroy the record altogether.
Okay, guys, I'm gonna go ahead and decide what's on and off the record on my own.
- Cool? - Uhhuh.
The whole city is watching.
If I can't move that fridge onto that truck, then feminism is over in this town.
I don't know why I thought sneaking up on it would work.
This is the one.
This is-- Oh! Why do you have so many keys? We did surgery just like you taught us! Okay, you know what? Why don't you girls clean up all this hair, and I'm gonna talk to Ron.
- Let's cut off our toes! - No, let's not.
I'm gonna take this bag, too.
You need to fix this.
It's not that bad.
Nobody got hurt.
It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening.
What? Did you just say you love Diane? No.
I did not.
Yes, you did! That is so cute! For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem? Ron loves Mommy! Ron loves Mommy! Girls, girls, I don't know what you think you heard, but please don't tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard.
- Ron loves-- Mommy! Ron loves Mommy! I love nothing! I'm gonna have to start writing this up soon.
Kinda sucks.
I thought maybe we'd be done in time - to grab a drink.
- Oh! Have you been to Bistro d'Amour? - It's really romantic.
- Ooh.
Yeah, it was just gonna be you and me, my sister, a few people from work, and my ex-boyfriend.
That's really confusing.
I have a request.
Could you please make sure that my involvement in this stays off the record? I wouldn't want anyone thinking that you're biased because we're something.
You don't have to worry about that.
I'm gonna include a disclaimer describing the nature of our relationship.
I guess I'll have to wait for tomorrow's paper to find out our status.
Why did I have to fall for somebody from the old media? Maybe we should just eat the refrigerator.
We start chewing now, we can finish before the sun comes up.
We have to solve this problem, or they are going to point to this forever as a reason to not hire women.
I should never have taken the bait.
It was just such tasty, righteously-flavored bait.
You here to move the fridge? - Are you a ghost? - Yes, we are.
Why you think you can lift it? You are two little canaries.
Those garbagemen couldn't even lift it.
They are like giant bears.
Hold on.
What do you mean? Bears are bigger than canaries, yes? So if bears can't lift the-- No, I understand animal sizes.
What do you mean they couldn't lift it? They tried three days ago, and it does not budge.
They say they're gonna come back with more guys, but they come back with canaries.
Fly away, little canaries.
Those Sanitation goons set us up.
You know what? Let's just go.
What? No! We can't let them beat us.
Just call it a tie.
Nobody can lift it.
No, Leslie, we do not want to tie.
We want to win.
Those guys suck, okay? We have to prove them wrong.
Look, all we have to do is get some PCP.
You can move anything on angel dust.
My cousin Hesen, he beat off five cops on that stuff.
Okay, hold on.
Sir! Does this refrigerator still work? Works okay.
We got a new one.
We don't need it.
So what if those kids think you're the lamest guy in the world? That's not who you want shopping at Rent-A-Swag anyways, Tom.
That's exactly who I want shopping at Rent-A-Swag.
Oh, well, then, that sucks.
Look, I wanna show you something.
Okay, this is Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook after a bad loss.
Even the greats get beat, but they get back out there the next day, and they fight.
So let's hit the gym again tomorrow.
Guys, I think I just dribbled up an idea.
No, double dribbled it.
Yeah, you have learned nothing about basketball.
You're a good friend, Ben.
Oh, thanks.
Can I borrow $1,500? You're not allowed to ask what it's for.
Fireworks.
First of all, everyone is fine.
No one got hurt, but there was an incident.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Diane, this is all my fault.
I let them go into my nurse's bag.
Well, who has been having fun with scissors? Us! Ann taught us how to be doctors! - Yay! - You're not mad? No, it's fine.
They're kids.
Once, Zoe put Ivy in the dryer, so I'm still incredibly sorry.
I feel like I let you down.
It is so sweet to me how much you care.
This is why I love you.
Oh.
Well, I love you, too.
That's my cue.
All right, girls, good hang.
- Bye, Ann! - Thanks, Ann.
Oh.
Hey, Leslie! Shauna just sent me the disclaimer that she's gonna use before she prints the article.
"City manager Chris Traeger "was present for this event, and has a personal relationship with the author.
" Okay, that's pretty good, right? "Personal relationship.
" It's not romantic.
But it is descriptive.
No, it's not even descriptive.
I know you're not used to this, but maybe you should just try to keep it chill and see what happens.
Great advice.
Impossible to follow, but great advice.
So do you think the soup kitchen could use that fridge? I mean, April and I were gonna haul it onto the truck effortlessly, but if you need it Absolutely.
This is a godsend.
Thank you for thinking of us.
Grab a side, ladies.
I think all of us can get it on the truck.
Not only did we complete the garbage route and move an unmovable fridge, but the Sanitation department hired three new female trash-haulers.
And, best of all, April gave me this present to commemorate our feminist victory.
And it's trash.
It's filled with trash.
Maybe there's something on the bottom here.
Let me see-- No, just trash.
This is Brandon Turnbill for Kids' 46 News.
I'm here with the star of today's win, Josh Diamond.
What was the key to the victory, Josh? Well, uh, everything just came together for us, and we came out on top, and we're gonna try to keep it going next week against Snerling.
Thanks, tiny reporter.
It was a huge win for Josh and the boys, and after a huge win, be sure to visit Rent-A-Swag on Durham Avenue for all your post-game press conference fashion rental needs.
We've got everything: Dope suits, pocket squares, Gingham shirts, glasses with no lenses, Tiny cardigans, Fedoras Look at this watch! Whatever swag you need, You can rent at Rent-A-Swag.
Now, that's basketball.