Parks and Recreation s05e19 Episode Script

Article Two

Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Article Two, Section Two of the Pawnee Charter reads, "Be it decreed: Should the taxation of tea "rise to an unacceptable level, citizens shall dump Ted into Ramsett Lake.
" Does anyone object? As always, I object.
Nay, enough dithering! Dump the miscreant! Boo! Today is Ted Party Day, where we commemorate the great Pawnee tea dump of 1817.
Historical fun fact-- when the Founding Fathers wrote the charter, their old-timey script made one of the "a"s look like a "d," so "tea" became "Ted.
" It's just one of those little things that reminds us of Pawnee's rich and vibrant past.
Plus, we get to go find a guy named Ted and throw him in a lake.
One! I don't even go by Ted! - Two! - I go by Theodore! - Three! - Aah! Hey, Ted.
Great job today.
You were so funny when you were like, "My cell phone, I left it in my pocket.
" Then you checked it, remember, and it didn't work.
Yeah, that was hilarious.
Listen, I am just here to say that I am done with Ted Party Day.
- Ha! Classic Ted.
- I'm serious.
I'm not getting dumped in that lake anymore.
And I talked to the other Teds in town, and they're not doing it either.
Come on, Ted Party Day is protected by Article Two in the town charter.
And we have the right, nay, the obligation, to dump Ted into the lake every year.
That's the way it's always been done.
Okay, first of all, "That's the way it's always been done" is not a good reason to keep doing something.
Second, it was a misprint.
They clearly meant "tea.
" I just think you need to be careful about speculating what the Founders meant when they were writing the town charter.
Okay, fine.
You want to enforce every single old law we have on our books? Hey, can I see your keys for a second? Here's a quarter.
I own your car now.
- Wha-- - Sorry.
The Pawnee Charter clearly states that any white citizen has the right to seize any Indian property for 25 cents.
That is an outdated and racist law.
And obviously they meant "American Indian.
" Whoa, I think we should be careful when we speculate what the Founders intended when they wrote the charter.
Okay, Ted.
I know what you're doing.
You're quoting me back to me.
But I'm gonna quote me back to you and say that Ted Party Day will never change.
Uhoh.
You, a woman, just raised your voice to a landowning male.
According to a Pawnee statute passed in 1868, I get to do this.
I was not aware of that statute.
Ron, you have to help me.
Chris is making me do some stupid management training leadership course.
Now that you run the Animal Control department, you have qualified for the Chris Traeger Management Training Seminar or "Ka-tumts.
" It's not a great acronym, but it is a great seminar.
Can you get me out of it? Yes.
Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing.
But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing.
I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.
Ron Swanson and April Ludgate, literally my two favorite people in the catalogued universe.
April will not be participating in your pointless course because she has more important things to do like not participating in your pointless course.
I just want April to become as great a department head as yourself.
Which is why this is pointless.
I've been head of the Parks department for 12 years, and I never had any "management training" course.
Ron, you've never been "ka-tumtsed?" I am legally required to ka-tumts every department head.
Otherwise, we are open to all kinds of liability.
What are you saying? I'm saying that tomorrow during the seminar, April is going to have a classmate.
And spoiler alert-- - it's Alf.
- It's you.
This went poorly.
What, no.
Damn it! What are you bidding on? It better not be Terrence Howard's tank top from Hustle & Flow.
- It is not.
- Good.
'Cause I am bidding on it and I am ready to spend an amount that my accountant calls "Dangerous and irresponsible.
" JJ's diner put an old waffle iron up for auction.
It's the perfect breakfast day gift for Leslie.
"Breakfast day"? Leslie has anniversaries for everything.
"Zoo day," first time we went to the zoo together.
"Double date day," it was the first time we went on a double date.
"Daniel Day-Lewis day.
"Talk-like-a-pirate day.
Talk-like-a-Pittsburgh-pirate day," which why and how? This calendar was last year's calendar day present celebrating the first time she ever bought me a calendar.
You have to buy a present for every one of these? She always tells me not to, but then she buys me something that's awesome and thoughtful, and then I feel terrible.
But that's the thing.
This is the perfect present.
I just keep getting outbid by someone named "Tall Tie-ree-on Lannister.
" What kind of name is Tie-ree-on anyway? You're kidding, right? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The Half-Man? You don't watch Game of Thrones? - No.
You do? - Hell yeah.
Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it.
Everybody on that show can get it.
I think I know who I'm bidding against.
I now realize that I was wrong, and it's time that we purged the books of many of our town's outdated and obscure laws.
The bill that I have written with the full support of the city council will repeal 110 obsolete laws such as all menstruating women shall be confined to their bathtubs and Article Two, aka, Ted Party Day.
The floor is now open for public comments.
Oh, here we go.
Thank you.
My name is Garth Blundin, and I object to your ridiculous proposal.
The Pawnee Charter shall not be changed.
Not today, not ever! Wow, a lot of passion, Mr.
Blundin.
Thank you so much.
Your objection is noted and officially in the record.
- Shall we proceed to a vote? - No.
No, we shall not.
Article Seven, Section Three allows for a "Citizen filibuster.
" If I stand here and refuse to yield my time, you are prohibited from voting on the bill.
That section defines "Buffalo meat" as acceptable currency.
- Is that the Buffalo meat one? - Mm-hmm.
I meant Article Three, Section Seven.
Let the filibustering begin.
I would now like to share some ideas I have for J.
J.
Abrams' seventh chapter in the Star Wars' saga.
Pan down from the twin suns of Tatooine.
We are now close on the mouth of the Sarlacc Pit.
After a beat, the gloved Mandalorian armor gauntlet of Boba Fett grabs onto the sand outside of the Sarlacc Pit and the feared bounty hunter pulls himself from the maw of the sand beast.
Ugh, he's right.
He can do this.
This is exactly why we need to modernize these laws.
This kind of thing made sense when we had council in a barn and there were but now this is nuts.
If he holds the reality gem, that means he can jump from different realities.
This will be our link to the Marvel Universe from the Star Wars Universe.
Imagine those who were up against Chewbacca 'cause that's gonna happen.
After a beat, Luke says, "Darth Vader was my father, but Ben Kenobi was my master.
" And he cuts Hannibal Lecter in half.
Mr.
Blundin, look, the laws I'm trying to get rid of have no more relevance in modern society and they're embarrassing to Pawnee.
Repealing them would show that we're changing with the times.
You can't just change the charter willy-nilly.
You start by casually repealing a couple of "old laws," the next thing you know, your jack-booted storm troopers are kicking in my door and arresting my wife for no reason if I were married.
By "jack-booted storm troopers," do you mean the Pawnee Police Department? - Hey, Clyde.
- Hi, Leslie.
Good Danish today.
The Pawnee charter is not a "living document," Ms.
Knope.
You have no respect for the traditions of this town.
I absolutely do.
I used to give tours at the Pawnee Historical House.
Three times, "Employee Of The Fortnight.
" Oh, big deal, you put on a costume for a couple hours.
By that logic, every time I go to bed at night, I am Wolverine.
You bought X-Men pajamas? I won them, madam, in a raffle.
The point is is that our Founding Fathers were brilliant and they were courageous, but they also had wooden teeth and pooped in holes in the ground.
It was a more primitive time.
It was a better time.
You wouldn't have survived two weeks in their day.
Oh, really? How about a little wager? How about you and I go live in that historical house, no modern technology, If you last longer, I withdraw my bill.
I win, you stop this nonsense.
You have yourself a deal.
Please write down what you hope to gain from the seminar, seal it in the envelope, and then we'll open it when it's over.
When is this over? As soon as you learn to embrace the power of positive motivation.
It's a nine-hour seminar over two days.
- Whoa! - Oh, good.
All right, let's begin.
Hop on board "The Management Train.
" First stop-- Motivation Station.
All aboard! Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
You're FutureMrsTigerWoods? I made that profile, like, ten years ago.
I don't know how to change it.
The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for breakfast day.
Uh, no, you're not.
I'm getting it for her for waffle day.
Wait, you have a breakfast day too? - Mine's in June.
- Please, Ben.
This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.
Well, imagine being married to her.
It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories.
I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is.
Sorry, honey.
I love you.
Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of anniversaries, so I have seniority.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
- We've lost the auction.
- What-no.
Somebody swooped in at the last second, - and now we're both screwed.
- No.
Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back? Oh, okay.
I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are.
Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't.
The Lannisters, while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.
This is why we don't hang out.
Think of yourselves as engineers steering a locomotive of positivity that runs on team power.
First of all, you don't "steer" a locomotive.
The tracks do.
Second, there are only three ways to motivate people-- money, fear, and hunger.
Oh, I disagree.
What about encouragement, appreciation, and smiles.
When people feel supported, they will literally explode with productivity.
Can you guys just figure out which way is better and tell me so we can leave? Thank you for your input, April, but the ka-tumts requires that we follow a very specific syllabus.
You're not being very inclusive, Chris.
I feel like my input isn't being appreciated.
You've killed my spirit.
My spirit blood is on your hands.
My God, I've taught you so much already.
Ron, I propose a challenge to see whose motivational methods are more effective.
Challenge accepted.
I don't want to seem overdramatic, but this is literally a battle for April's soul.
I don't want to seem overdramatic, but I don't really care what happens here.
Oh, God.
I hate this place.
Everything is old.
Old things are dumb.
It's like, just be new.
I don't know, Tom.
I think there's some pretty cool things from back then.
That is a dope bonnet.
Oh, just getting here, I see.
Yikes.
Did you sleep here last night? Indeed.
I want to be here when the cock crows to get the chores done.
Already, I've done the preserves and chased off an interloping cable installer.
Okay, well, let's put all modern devices in this pail.
Nothing can be used that was invented past 1817.
Andy, Tom, you will be our referees.
Thank you for volunteering.
Definitely didn't volunteer.
I had much better things to do.
Leslie said she'd pay me And I had nothing better to do.
I'm doing it for free.
There's no way I'm losing this contest.
Old-timey dress? Check.
Extensive knowledge about early prairie life? Right here.
Rickets? Cured.
Don't need to worry about rickets.
Antiperspirant? Not allowed.
Might get a little rough in there.
I was wondering if you could help me out.
Say no more.
Here's a bunch of guns.
Nope.
Different thing.
I saw that you recently won an auction for the JJ's diner waffle iron.
And I'd like to-- that's it right there.
- I'd like to buy it.
- You and everyone else.
Hello, Ben.
Seems like I love Leslie more than you do.
- Get in line.
- Yeah.
Get in line, pal.
- Who are you? - I'm Roz.
I'm Leslie's mailwoman, and I need to get her a Mail Day present by next Wednesday.
It's the anniversary of the first-- Time you delivered her mail.
Yeah, we get it.
Looks like we've got ourselves an old-fashioned pawnshop waffle iron bidding war.
Let's start the bidding at $650,000.
Okay, I'll counter with 100 bucks.
I'll let you take anything - out of this bag.
- I'll tell you what, Ann.
I'll give it to you if you go - on a date with me.
- Oh, God.
I can't believe I'm about to do this, but fine.
One date.
But let me make one thing perfectly clear-- - 500 bucks.
- Sold.
- What? - You still want to go out? I just come into some money.
$500 buys a lot of nitrous.
Yeah, nothing warms the blood like an old whirly-bout with the old butter-gyre, - eh, Leslie? - Indeed.
Man, this guy's tougher than I thought.
I don't know how either of you guys are doing this.
One time my refrigerator stopped working, I didn't know what to do.
I just moved.
I just don't think he's ever gonna quit.
He has that look in his eye that Ben gets when he plays Risk.
Oh, wow.
That is really good.
- Andy.
- No, I'm sorry.
This tastes great.
All my favorite foods have butter on 'em.
Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes.
Butter is my favorite food.
Well, then you're gonna love what I'm churning up.
Take a look at-- Oh, my God.
This is horrifying.
Nobody eat that.
I think I'm in over my head.
Garth really knows his stuff.
He planted an entire field of barley.
How long is he planning on staying here? Hey, um, aren't we husband and wife in this scenario? - I mean, like, shouldn't you-- - Not a chance.
Okay.
Wait, what's that? Do you guys feel that? Aah! How long was that under there? Man, Garth is a machine.
He brought his own whale blubber to light the lamps.
I thought he was gonna last an hour max.
It's like he's getting stronger the longer he stays here.
Whee! Look at my hoop, Leslie.
Look at my hoop! Ugh! Who could live like this? No one.
That's why we've moved on.
It's fun to be here on, like, a school field trip or something.
- It's so, so, so fun.
- So, so fun.
But to live like this is insane.
He must have cheated somehow.
I mean, there's no way a man who's into X-Men that much can stay away from the Internet that long.
We should check his phone.
Goodness, how delicious eating goober peas Jerry Gergich.
I need you to stop whatever it is you're doing and file as many of these as you can.
Wow, Duraflex cut-top A350s in deep maroon? The honor is all mine.
Well, I knew you were the man for the job.
You are smart and capable.
And I believe you can accomplish anything.
Thank you so much.
You got it, champ.
Get filing.
Aye, aye, Captain.
That is one motivated worker bee.
You guys doing experiments on Jerry? Yes.
Cool.
Got it.
Okay, now let's not read anything.
That's an invasion of his privacy.
Let's just look at his browser history and his inbox and his outbox and his Facebook page.
Yeah, he doesn't have any new emails.
Oh, my God.
It's true.
He hasn't gotten an email in Is he a ghost? The only ones he gets are spam.
And he responds to them.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, man.
This guy has no friends.
I don't know.
Seems like he's friends with that mule.
What's that? Well, since I can't give her a waffle iron for breakfast day, I am making her a miniature Leslie - out of breakfast food.
- Good lord.
Well, listen, I've been thinking.
How would you feel about going in - on the waffle iron together? - Seriously? That would be great, but whose holiday are we celebrating? Well, I think I may have a plan that'll get us out of breakfast day and waffle day and all the other days without making us seem like ungrateful people who are annoyed at how amazing Leslie is.
Dude, whatever it is, I'm in.
- Okay, great.
- What should I do with this? Just burn it and bury the ashes and pray it doesn't haunt you.
Jerry, stop filing those red folders at once.
Begin filing these blue ones.
Oh.
Sorry, Ron.
I promised Chris that-- This is the top priority.
I need these blue folders done now.
You can eat when you have finished.
File! Oh, my goodness.
Money, fear, hunger.
Hey, there, Garth.
Whatcha whittling? A birthing stick.
What's that? - You do not want to know.
- Oh, my God.
You look beautiful.
I mean, you changed clothes.
Violation.
I-I challenge - you are bonnetless! - Yes, you're right.
I admit, I can't take it anymore.
You win.
Huzzah! The day is mine.
- I'm gonna miss saying "huzzah.
" - Yeah.
Garth, I have another proposition.
Yes, I will go out on a date with you, but I realize you're a modern woman, so I will let you pay.
No.
I was wondering would you like to join the Pawnee Historical Commission? Those clowns? No thank you.
They haven't answered a single one of my complaints about their anachronistic use Well, I'm a member, and I think we could really use you.
But the only problem is there's tons of meetings, lots of work with people who also love history, and many social occasions that you're gonna have to attend, like cocktail parties and such.
I can understand if it's something you don't want to commit to.
Just sounds like such a big bite out of my soap-making time.
My cousin's arraignment is in May.
But that's a day.
I just fly out, I come back the same day.
On a trial basis, yes.
Yes, yes.
Great.
Welcome to the team.
Garth dropped his protest, and we were able to get rid of all the outdated laws in the town charter.
I mean, the charter is a wonderful document, but we've had the benefit of almost 200 years of learning and advancing.
Seems to me we ought to use it.
I did not change Article Two, though.
I just couldn't vote against a good, old-fashioned lake dunking.
Though Garth and I did come up with a compromise that I think will make everybody happy.
From this year hence, a volunteer will represent Ted in our town's most historic and cherished tradition.
This year, the honor goes to Mr.
Garth Blundin! Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted! I'm Ted too, guys.
- Andy! - Yeah! He's naked, everybody! Put that away! - We're all Ted! Yeah! - No, Andy! Whoo! Thank God.
I don't know how to swim.
Okay, final tally.
- Jerry filed 268 red files.
- Yes! And 384 blue files.
- Yes.
- Wait a minute.
How is that possible? Well, he was so happy when you told him he was doing a great job that he spent 20 minutes on the phone telling Gayle about it.
- And the prosecution rests.
- Not so fast.
He may have filed more blue ones, but they're almost all filed wrong.
Not surprising since he was a mess after you talked to him.
Another fascinating edition of "ka-tumts.
" We may never know conclusively which way works better.
But I do know this-- When we first started the seminar, I hoped to be able to engage you in the process.
And by that measure I succeeded.
And I predicted that I would learn nothing from this process.
Mission accomplished.
What did April write? Where is April? "I will pit Ron and Chris against each other.
They'll argue about dumb stuff that doesn't matter, and I will bail.
Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy.
Oh, and I'll also steal Ron's watch, just for fun.
I think April will be a fine manager.
I agree.
It's my favorite kind of battle-- Two men enter, one me leaves.
- Happy waffle day.
- Happy breakfast day.
Oh, my God! You guys, this is the best Breakfast Day/Waffle Day joint present I have ever received.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
But Ann and I wanted to tell you that this is the last Breakfast Day and Waffle Day we'll be celebrating.
Wait, what? Oh, my God.
You're both dying.
No, no.
We just can't keep up with all the anniversaries.
It's too much, especially 'cause you're so good at them.
I'm no better at them than you are.
That's ridiculous, I'm so much better.
Point taken.
But we have a compromise.
Every year, there will be one day, "Ann Day," where you can celebrate all of Ann's holidays and "Ben Day" where we can celebrate all of ours.
What about Ann Month and Ben Month? How about a week? Fine.
We went in with a day, figuring she'd counter with a month.
We were fine with a week.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
But there will be a third week.
It will be called Friend Week.
It will be commemorating this week, the week that my two best friends became each other's best friends.
I have a Friend Week present for you right now.
Here you go.
How did you already have these? - Thank you.
- Thanks.