Parks and Recreation s05e22 Episode Script
Are You Better Off?
Okay, everyone.
Look in your folders.
You will find information about founder's week.
And before we start brainstorming, I just wanna thank Ron for lending us his cabin.
Lending? Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter.
I never should've agreed to this or let you know that I have a cabin or gotten to know any of you.
That's the spirit.
Founder's week is a yearly celebration of all things Pawnee.
We've got a pie-eating contest, a giant petting zoo, and the granddaddy of them all, the founder's week parade.
I don't wanna over-hype it, but our parade makes the rose bowl parade look like a turds-on-wheels convention.
Let's do an exercise.
April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world? Easy: Most murders per capita.
The guillotine was invented here.
City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.
Donna, help me out.
What makes Pawnee so great? Cost of living is cheap.
In about three years, I will have saved enough to pay off my condo in Seattle.
You have a condo in Seattle? Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets.
Guys, we need to focus.
I want this to be the best founder's week ever, okay? - No more distractions.
- I'm bored.
Let's go have sex in a tree.
He'll be back in eight minutes.
Why did you have to bring her here? I don't really have any power in this relationship.
I'll think of ideas in the tree.
Anyone's welcome to join us in the tree! Really? Okay.
Thank you.
Bye.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends.
Everyone feeling normal today? Here's what happened.
I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin.
When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test.
Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away.
That's why I was digging through the trash.
Found that too.
Pretty cool.
So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin-- Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April-- is pregnant! Can't be April.
She would've told me.
That leaves four suspects.
There's only one man for this job: Bert Macklin, FBI.
They said I was retired.
They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department.
Turns out they were right and wrong.
Macklin, you son of a bitch.
Hello, fellow Pawneeans.
As you know, the founder's week festivities kick off tomorrow.
Um, one small announcement: Due to a tragic misunderstanding, the prettiest pig beauty pageant has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition.
Oh, no.
But on to less grisly news, thank you for participating in our special founder's week public forum led by councilwoman Leslie Knope.
Thanks to a lot of hard work and some very dedicated civil servants, this has been a banner year for our city.
Obesity and diabetes are down.
Test scores are up.
Pawnee raccoon attacks have decreased.
People can now suddenly feel safe in our parks, grocery stores, and hospitals.
I am very proud of what we've accomplished.
In fact, this forum is kind of my victory lap.
I am here today to ask you one question.
Are you better off now than you were a year ago? Who'd like to start? Uh-oh.
Kathryn Pinewood, Pawnee Restaurant Association.
This town is not better off.
This past year has been a disaster, and this government is hell-bent on stripping away our most basic personal freedoms.
Okay, counterpoint.
Ms.
Pinewood, I've never stripped away anyone's freedoms.
I simply stopped a restaurant from serving an insane which only made our citizens healthier.
And frankly, I don't see any of those citizens standing up and complaining abo-- Okay.
Now, I see them.
Whoa! Darren! Slow down! That sweat suit's not for sweatin' in, okay? This is crushed velvet.
If you go at more than a brisk walk, it will fall apart.
This looks dope.
Let's pay for it.
Business is booming.
If it keeps up like this, I would leave the Parks Department and do Rent-A-Swag full-time, maybe even expand.
I could add a baby section over there, call it "Li'l Swaggers.
" I could add some old people stuff, call it "Rent-A-Sag.
" Ugh, no.
Old people are gross.
Oh.
Nice.
Hey, dingdong! Can I go home? My tum-tum feels gross, and also, I hate working.
I guess, but find someone to cover for you, okay? 'Cause we're really busy right now.
Also, a lawyer guy called you.
He sounded really sexy on the phone, and I was very into that.
Like, I was, like, very into that.
All right, let's set up some boundaries on what's cool for you to say to me, okay? Okay.
I frenched my cousin one time.
That's gross.
I might still be in love with him.
- Please leave.
- All right, bye.
Tom Haverford, my name is Trevor Nelsson.
I represent a client who would like to make you an offer.
Babyface heard my demo? I will accept a record deal.
No, you deeply misunderstand.
My client has taken an interest in Rent-A-Swag.
He'd like to know if you are looking to sell a controlling interest in the store.
Whoa, Diddy wants to buy Rent-A-Swag? - Not what I said.
- This is a lot to process.
Will Diddy be coming to the meeting? I'm not at liberty to tell you who my client is.
It would violate confidentiality.
- I understand.
- It's not Diddy.
Got it.
- Oh.
- Oh, helloAnn.
Oh, boy.
What do you want, Macklin? Me? Just observing.
A little something they taught us down at Quantico.
Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, there is just one more question.
- Congratulations.
- Is that a question? It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret.
- You're pregnant.
- What? I'm not pregnant.
You're not? Damn it.
Who is? 'Cause I found this at Ron Swanson's cabin.
- It's a pregnancy test.
- Oh, my God.
Someone we know is pregnant? I'm trying to get pregnant.
That's not fair.
I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo! We have to find out who this is.
Whoa, I don't think so.
Bert Macklin works alone.
I will buy lunch.
You can have as many burgers as you want.
Welcome to the FBI.
Ms.
Pinewood, Leslie's public health initiative has been a huge success.
Pawnee is no longer the fourth most obese city in America.
We're now ninth.
Together, as a town, we lost an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees.
A gym opened, and it stayed in business.
And people checking into the E.
R.
after ingesting a whole candy wrapper is down 40%.
But where will it end? Now, you wanna rob our children of fun by attacking the Sweetums school lunch program, literally taking candy from babies.
Those school lunches are incredibly unhealthy.
You somehow convinced the school board that napkins are a vegetable.
They're made from plants.
Stop restricting our freedoms.
Yeah! My name is Dewey from Sanitation.
Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms by making us hire women, we've had to turn one of our bathrooms into a woman's bathroom.
We only have one bathroom now.
I'm so sorry, Dewey.
That sounds like a horrible price to pay for something as trivial as gender equality.
So you agree.
Bjorn Lerpiss of the Pawnee Lerpiss family.
There was supposed to be a Paunch Burger in this lot next to my house.
And then, you stripped my freedom by putting a park there.
Now, if I wanna start my day off with a triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza, I gotta go to the one that's 10 minutes away, and that makes me 20 minutes late to work every day.
I work at home.
Have you ever considered not eating that for breakfast? I'll never consider that.
This feels strangely personal.
Maybe it's because they're all standing up saying how much they hate me as a person.
How many people am I talking to, Donna? One or 1 1/9? Are you asking me if I'm pregnant? Oh.
Interesting.
I don't remember saying anything about anyone being pregnant.
Are you sure it's not you? I'm a grown woman with a good head on her shoulders.
Don't worry about me.
Whew.
This case just got interesting.
Well, not just.
It was pretty interesting to begin with.
This case just remained interesting.
Listen, my wife and I do not feel that we're better off than a year ago because a year ago, this town was not a horrifying sex den where people could put their body parts anywhere they want with impunity.
And then, you were elected.
And now, this town a horrifying sex den where people can put their body parts anywhere they want to with impunity.
Yeah.
If you are referring to my fight to teach comprehensive sex education, you need to at least acknowledge the fact that STDs are down 14% from last year.
And deviant behavior in Pawnee is up a billion percent! No, it's-- no, it's-- This town is going to hell in a Gucci knock-off handbag, girl.
See? See? They agree.
Come on.
I am definitely better off than I was a year ago, and it's all thanks to Leslie Knope.
This woman single-handedly saved my business.
Thank you, Dennis.
There you go, perfect example.
No need for further questions on that one.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is your business, sir? Oh, I run a pornographic DVD emporium.
Well, it used to be a quaint, little movie rental place with a lot of community value.
- Oh, it's much better now.
- Yeah! - Leslie is the best.
- No, no, Brandi.
- Gah, gah, gah, gah-- - Hello, everyone.
- I'm Brandi Maxxxx - Hi, Brandi.
Star of such films as the incredible Burt Wonderbone, A Good Guy to Lay Hard, and Argo.
I had a small part in Argo as well as the porn version Our Goo.
I've seen the first 90 seconds.
It's thrilling.
If it weren't for Leslie Knope, there would be far, far less pornography in this town.
No, what happened was there was a misunderstanding, and I accidentally got the government involved in an unseemly business, but I cleared that up, and everything's fine.
It's not like I'm some kind of sex-crazed maniac or something.
Leslie, are you pregnant? Did you or did you not leave this positive pregnancy test in a dumpster in the woods? Hey, everybody.
- No.
- Really? Okay.
Well, I'll get out of your hair.
Sorry to interrupt.
Was that Brandi Maxxxx? Investors, I have some very exciting news about Rent-A-Swag.
Someone-- I'm not saying Diddy, but I'm not not saying Diddy-- has offered to buy out Rent-A-Swag for a buttload of money.
How big a buttload, son? We would all basically double our investments.
Are you kidding me? Sell, baby.
Imagine the kind of treat-yourself day we could have with the profits.
I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures.
That is appealing.
If someone is interested in buying you out, it means you're doing something right.
I say you continue to grow, accumulate power, find this investor, and buy his business to teach him a lesson.
- April, what do you think? - I thought about this a lot.
I actually think that you should get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo.
- No, with the store.
- Oh.
Uh, burn it for the insurance money.
Tom, listen to me, if there's one thing I've learned-- - God, nobody cares, Gary.
- Enough.
- Thank you.
- I miss you guys.
What a wonderful event.
Everyone is having fun.
This is great.
Chris, could you just please I'm sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up.
- Just hang in there.
- Thanks.
All right, if you'll excuse me, I found out this morning that I am playing a special role in this parade.
No spoilers.
Honey, I hate to state the obvious, but you chose a life in politics.
I mean, the more you actually accomplish, the more heat you're gonna draw.
- Yeah, I know.
- Let's go watch the parade.
You know you can't resist a parade.
That's true.
Parades and your butt: - My two vices.
- There you go.
Whoa, what are you doing? My assistant has something she'd like to show you.
Partner.
Oh, my assistant has something she'd like to show you, partner.
It's a positive pregnancy test, Tom.
I found it outside of Ron's cabin after our brainstorming session.
Is there any possibility Mona-Lisa could be pregnant? We always use protection but I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them.
What brand pregnancy test is it? It's called "Womb There It Is.
" That's her brand.
I'm gonna be a dad? I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? Oh, God.
What have I done? Like, to humanity? This is the perfect thing to take my mind off of yesterday.
I am going to pretend that this is my victory parade and the town is celebrating my hard work and dedication.
- There you go.
- Leslie, Leslie.
I'm so sorry.
I need to talk to you.
What are-- what? I'm the Nipple King.
Kernston's Rubber Nipple Company elects a nipple king and a nipple queen every year to ride on the float.
- Congratulations, Chris.
- Thank you.
- It's such an amazing honor.
- It's wonderful.
But I do need to talk to you about a float that is in this parade, because I'm not sure that you're going to be-- - No fun for you! - Uh-oh.
No fun for you! - Is that me? - Maybe it's not you.
- Maybe it's Kate Upton.
- Oh, thank you.
No, it's me, and damn them.
No fun for you! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, stop, please! Stop! Excuse me, Pawnee.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop your parade or anything, but I just have to say something here, okay? I don't think this is very fair! Babe--babe, stop wagging your finger.
Certain people are lashing out at me because of things that I did this year.
But I am not trying to stop you from having fun.
I am an extremely fun person.
This float represents a group of over 300 business owners, individuals, and community leaders who are protesting unfair government regulation.
We are the committee to recall Leslie Knope.
Let's kick her out of office.
Recall Knope! Recall Knope! Recall Knope! - Recall Knope! - Legalize weed! Recall Knope! Recall Knope! So, I need to ask you something and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here.
Please tell me that you're dumping my sister, because I will laugh-- I will laugh so much.
Actually, it may be the opposite.
- Is this yours? - No, no.
Yeah.
It's mine.
- I'm pregnant.
- Lemony snicket.
Oh, my God, are you serious? I'm gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? Is that gonna happen? No, no, that's too much-- too much responsibility for me.
I gotta--I gotta find another way out of this.
Well, I wish you told me.
I mean, obviously, we need to talk about our future.
Maybe I could sell the business, and we could use the profits to put a down payment on a house or something, or-- - Psych! - What? Ah, ha, ha.
Look at your stupid face.
- You had a dumdum face.
- That was hilarious.
Oh, that was hilarious That's hilarious So you're not pregnant? This isn't yours? [Bleep.]
, no.
Do you know how many different pills I take, birth control or otherwise? There is no way that I could be pregnant with a human baby.
Thank God.
Yes! Tommy has his life back! Let's go! What the hell is wrong with you, man? That's my sister.
Nah! I'm just kidding, man.
She's the worst.
You dodged a bullet, baby.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Well, Macklin, it's not Mona-Lisa.
It's not me, it's not Donna, it's not Leslie.
There was only one other woman at that cabin.
April? No, she would've told me.
Besides, the math doesn't add up because we only have sex every single day.
And since she's the only one that we haven't talked to, it has to be hers.
Oh, my God.
I don't like seeing you like this.
I've never felt this way before.
Maybe I should just quit.
Maybe we should both quit, and we should move to the Bahamas, live on a beach, catch fish with homemade spears.
Yeah, you'd last about 30 seconds with that work.
When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.
M.
to watch Meet the Press.
Well, it was Elizabeth Warren.
Like, I'm not going to watch that live? Look, you can hate your job sometimes.
It's allowed.
But let me ask you this: Do you think this town is better off - than it was a year ago? - Yes.
Do you stand behind everything you've done? - Yes.
- Then screw 'em.
But even if I wanted to fight this recall, how would I do it? Thank you all for coming.
As most of you probably know, there is a large committee that has announced plans to recall me from office.
My response to them is this: Bring it on.
Step up.
Step Up 2: The Streets.
I'm sorry, my adrenaline is pumping, so all I can think of is dance movie titles.
Stomp the Yard.
There's one.
Look, I work very hard for this town, as hard as I can, and all that matters to me is whether or not everyone here thinks that they are better off now than they were a year ago.
I think you are.
If you disagree with me, then go ahead and recall me.
Go crazy.
You Got Served.
Silver Linings Playbook, kind of.
The committee says they plan to push for a recall vote within two months.
- Do you have a comment on that? - Nope.
Again, all I really care about is are you better off? I think I'm better off.
I haven't had a date in a while, but I'm learning a lot about me.
Well, I wasn't asking you specifically, but I'm happy to hear that, Shauna.
So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall.
No, I can't end my big press conference by saying "Recall, shmecall.
" That's ridiculous.
Ben, can you help me out here? That concludes councilwoman Knope's press conference.
And if you have any further questions hold on to them, because she has a lot of work to do.
Thanks, honey.
Honey.
That's another dance movie with Jessica alba.
Alright, people.
The Pawnee river's not gonna clean itself.
Volunteer weekend task force, mobilize.
Oh, Leslie, this goes without saying, but if you need any speeches or testimonials or just general enthusiasm for your recall fight, I'm your man.
- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.
I'll see you at the river.
Oh, oh, oh! Last one to pick up has still accomplished a great deal.
Hey, maybe after, you wanna come meet me and Chris for a drink? Sure.
Hey, how's it going with you guys? We're great, actually, and we're having a good time.
- Sex is ridiculous.
- Mm-hmm.
Hopefully, that ridiculous sex will lead to a baby.
I'm so happy for you.
Just remember to use protection.
Wait, no, don't.
That would defeat the purpose.
Okay, no.
Do your thing.
Yeah! - My wife is pregnant! - Okay, put me down.
Hey, you can't keep it from me.
I found the pregnancy test, honey.
Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay? And if I were, you shouldn't lift me up.
Wait, are you sure you're not? Yeah.
We've talked about this.
Remember? I wanna wait until we're 50 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
Actually, there is something I need to tell you.
You're pregnant.
- No.
- No! We just ruled that out.
- Ah, dang it.
- Okay, a while ago, I applied to veterinary school in Bloomington, and I just found out that I got in.
You did? That's amazing! Wait, why did you wait to tell me? Because I don't even know if I wanna go, okay? I mean, yes, it's been my dream to work with animals since I was a kid and everything.
But it would mean I would be spending a lot of time apart from you, and Oh, we could get through that.
I mean, look.
It would suck for a while, and I would miss you while you're gone.
But as I've known about you for the past 20 seconds, this is your dream.
I'm really glad I married you.
Yeah, we made a good call on that one.
So I just wanted to let you know I will not be selling Rent-A-Swag.
And you can go tell your client he now has 100 problems? - Is it Jay-Z? - No.
But since you're not taking the deal, I should inform you that my client will be moving on to plan B: Opening his own store directly across the street from yours.
Across the street? What kind of store is it gonna be? He's calling it "Tommy's Closet.
" It's a high-end secondhand clothing store where parents can rent clothes for their teens, tweens, and pres, as well as babies, toddlers, grown-ups, and olds.
But that's my idea and my name.
So I guess only Domino's is allowed to sell pizza now? It's called capitalism, Mr.
Haverford, and you are about to get a free lesson.
Only this free lesson is going to cost you.
So it's not free? You're right.
That was confusing.
This lesson will cost you.
Good day.
This sucks, but I have to admit: It's a pretty baller move.
You sure this isn't Diddy? - It is Diddy.
- I knew it! It's not Diddy.
Are you sure everything will be all right if April goes to vet school? There are no sure things in life, son, but you two seem pretty solid to me.
- Change is good, I guess.
- Not to me.
Leslie's going around asking everybody if they're better off than they were a year ago.
All I care about is that I'm the same.
If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy.
Wait, I forgot.
- Who the hell is pregnant? - What? I found a pregnancy test at your cabin, and I checked with all the girls over there.
It wasn't any of them.
Hello, darling.
What a surprise.
Hey.
Can we talk? Maybe in private?
Look in your folders.
You will find information about founder's week.
And before we start brainstorming, I just wanna thank Ron for lending us his cabin.
Lending? Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter.
I never should've agreed to this or let you know that I have a cabin or gotten to know any of you.
That's the spirit.
Founder's week is a yearly celebration of all things Pawnee.
We've got a pie-eating contest, a giant petting zoo, and the granddaddy of them all, the founder's week parade.
I don't wanna over-hype it, but our parade makes the rose bowl parade look like a turds-on-wheels convention.
Let's do an exercise.
April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world? Easy: Most murders per capita.
The guillotine was invented here.
City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.
Donna, help me out.
What makes Pawnee so great? Cost of living is cheap.
In about three years, I will have saved enough to pay off my condo in Seattle.
You have a condo in Seattle? Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets.
Guys, we need to focus.
I want this to be the best founder's week ever, okay? - No more distractions.
- I'm bored.
Let's go have sex in a tree.
He'll be back in eight minutes.
Why did you have to bring her here? I don't really have any power in this relationship.
I'll think of ideas in the tree.
Anyone's welcome to join us in the tree! Really? Okay.
Thank you.
Bye.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends.
Everyone feeling normal today? Here's what happened.
I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin.
When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test.
Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away.
That's why I was digging through the trash.
Found that too.
Pretty cool.
So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin-- Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April-- is pregnant! Can't be April.
She would've told me.
That leaves four suspects.
There's only one man for this job: Bert Macklin, FBI.
They said I was retired.
They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department.
Turns out they were right and wrong.
Macklin, you son of a bitch.
Hello, fellow Pawneeans.
As you know, the founder's week festivities kick off tomorrow.
Um, one small announcement: Due to a tragic misunderstanding, the prettiest pig beauty pageant has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition.
Oh, no.
But on to less grisly news, thank you for participating in our special founder's week public forum led by councilwoman Leslie Knope.
Thanks to a lot of hard work and some very dedicated civil servants, this has been a banner year for our city.
Obesity and diabetes are down.
Test scores are up.
Pawnee raccoon attacks have decreased.
People can now suddenly feel safe in our parks, grocery stores, and hospitals.
I am very proud of what we've accomplished.
In fact, this forum is kind of my victory lap.
I am here today to ask you one question.
Are you better off now than you were a year ago? Who'd like to start? Uh-oh.
Kathryn Pinewood, Pawnee Restaurant Association.
This town is not better off.
This past year has been a disaster, and this government is hell-bent on stripping away our most basic personal freedoms.
Okay, counterpoint.
Ms.
Pinewood, I've never stripped away anyone's freedoms.
I simply stopped a restaurant from serving an insane which only made our citizens healthier.
And frankly, I don't see any of those citizens standing up and complaining abo-- Okay.
Now, I see them.
Whoa! Darren! Slow down! That sweat suit's not for sweatin' in, okay? This is crushed velvet.
If you go at more than a brisk walk, it will fall apart.
This looks dope.
Let's pay for it.
Business is booming.
If it keeps up like this, I would leave the Parks Department and do Rent-A-Swag full-time, maybe even expand.
I could add a baby section over there, call it "Li'l Swaggers.
" I could add some old people stuff, call it "Rent-A-Sag.
" Ugh, no.
Old people are gross.
Oh.
Nice.
Hey, dingdong! Can I go home? My tum-tum feels gross, and also, I hate working.
I guess, but find someone to cover for you, okay? 'Cause we're really busy right now.
Also, a lawyer guy called you.
He sounded really sexy on the phone, and I was very into that.
Like, I was, like, very into that.
All right, let's set up some boundaries on what's cool for you to say to me, okay? Okay.
I frenched my cousin one time.
That's gross.
I might still be in love with him.
- Please leave.
- All right, bye.
Tom Haverford, my name is Trevor Nelsson.
I represent a client who would like to make you an offer.
Babyface heard my demo? I will accept a record deal.
No, you deeply misunderstand.
My client has taken an interest in Rent-A-Swag.
He'd like to know if you are looking to sell a controlling interest in the store.
Whoa, Diddy wants to buy Rent-A-Swag? - Not what I said.
- This is a lot to process.
Will Diddy be coming to the meeting? I'm not at liberty to tell you who my client is.
It would violate confidentiality.
- I understand.
- It's not Diddy.
Got it.
- Oh.
- Oh, helloAnn.
Oh, boy.
What do you want, Macklin? Me? Just observing.
A little something they taught us down at Quantico.
Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair.
Wait, there is just one more question.
- Congratulations.
- Is that a question? It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret.
- You're pregnant.
- What? I'm not pregnant.
You're not? Damn it.
Who is? 'Cause I found this at Ron Swanson's cabin.
- It's a pregnancy test.
- Oh, my God.
Someone we know is pregnant? I'm trying to get pregnant.
That's not fair.
I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo! We have to find out who this is.
Whoa, I don't think so.
Bert Macklin works alone.
I will buy lunch.
You can have as many burgers as you want.
Welcome to the FBI.
Ms.
Pinewood, Leslie's public health initiative has been a huge success.
Pawnee is no longer the fourth most obese city in America.
We're now ninth.
Together, as a town, we lost an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees.
A gym opened, and it stayed in business.
And people checking into the E.
R.
after ingesting a whole candy wrapper is down 40%.
But where will it end? Now, you wanna rob our children of fun by attacking the Sweetums school lunch program, literally taking candy from babies.
Those school lunches are incredibly unhealthy.
You somehow convinced the school board that napkins are a vegetable.
They're made from plants.
Stop restricting our freedoms.
Yeah! My name is Dewey from Sanitation.
Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms by making us hire women, we've had to turn one of our bathrooms into a woman's bathroom.
We only have one bathroom now.
I'm so sorry, Dewey.
That sounds like a horrible price to pay for something as trivial as gender equality.
So you agree.
Bjorn Lerpiss of the Pawnee Lerpiss family.
There was supposed to be a Paunch Burger in this lot next to my house.
And then, you stripped my freedom by putting a park there.
Now, if I wanna start my day off with a triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza, I gotta go to the one that's 10 minutes away, and that makes me 20 minutes late to work every day.
I work at home.
Have you ever considered not eating that for breakfast? I'll never consider that.
This feels strangely personal.
Maybe it's because they're all standing up saying how much they hate me as a person.
How many people am I talking to, Donna? One or 1 1/9? Are you asking me if I'm pregnant? Oh.
Interesting.
I don't remember saying anything about anyone being pregnant.
Are you sure it's not you? I'm a grown woman with a good head on her shoulders.
Don't worry about me.
Whew.
This case just got interesting.
Well, not just.
It was pretty interesting to begin with.
This case just remained interesting.
Listen, my wife and I do not feel that we're better off than a year ago because a year ago, this town was not a horrifying sex den where people could put their body parts anywhere they want with impunity.
And then, you were elected.
And now, this town a horrifying sex den where people can put their body parts anywhere they want to with impunity.
Yeah.
If you are referring to my fight to teach comprehensive sex education, you need to at least acknowledge the fact that STDs are down 14% from last year.
And deviant behavior in Pawnee is up a billion percent! No, it's-- no, it's-- This town is going to hell in a Gucci knock-off handbag, girl.
See? See? They agree.
Come on.
I am definitely better off than I was a year ago, and it's all thanks to Leslie Knope.
This woman single-handedly saved my business.
Thank you, Dennis.
There you go, perfect example.
No need for further questions on that one.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is your business, sir? Oh, I run a pornographic DVD emporium.
Well, it used to be a quaint, little movie rental place with a lot of community value.
- Oh, it's much better now.
- Yeah! - Leslie is the best.
- No, no, Brandi.
- Gah, gah, gah, gah-- - Hello, everyone.
- I'm Brandi Maxxxx - Hi, Brandi.
Star of such films as the incredible Burt Wonderbone, A Good Guy to Lay Hard, and Argo.
I had a small part in Argo as well as the porn version Our Goo.
I've seen the first 90 seconds.
It's thrilling.
If it weren't for Leslie Knope, there would be far, far less pornography in this town.
No, what happened was there was a misunderstanding, and I accidentally got the government involved in an unseemly business, but I cleared that up, and everything's fine.
It's not like I'm some kind of sex-crazed maniac or something.
Leslie, are you pregnant? Did you or did you not leave this positive pregnancy test in a dumpster in the woods? Hey, everybody.
- No.
- Really? Okay.
Well, I'll get out of your hair.
Sorry to interrupt.
Was that Brandi Maxxxx? Investors, I have some very exciting news about Rent-A-Swag.
Someone-- I'm not saying Diddy, but I'm not not saying Diddy-- has offered to buy out Rent-A-Swag for a buttload of money.
How big a buttload, son? We would all basically double our investments.
Are you kidding me? Sell, baby.
Imagine the kind of treat-yourself day we could have with the profits.
I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures.
That is appealing.
If someone is interested in buying you out, it means you're doing something right.
I say you continue to grow, accumulate power, find this investor, and buy his business to teach him a lesson.
- April, what do you think? - I thought about this a lot.
I actually think that you should get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo.
- No, with the store.
- Oh.
Uh, burn it for the insurance money.
Tom, listen to me, if there's one thing I've learned-- - God, nobody cares, Gary.
- Enough.
- Thank you.
- I miss you guys.
What a wonderful event.
Everyone is having fun.
This is great.
Chris, could you just please I'm sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up.
- Just hang in there.
- Thanks.
All right, if you'll excuse me, I found out this morning that I am playing a special role in this parade.
No spoilers.
Honey, I hate to state the obvious, but you chose a life in politics.
I mean, the more you actually accomplish, the more heat you're gonna draw.
- Yeah, I know.
- Let's go watch the parade.
You know you can't resist a parade.
That's true.
Parades and your butt: - My two vices.
- There you go.
Whoa, what are you doing? My assistant has something she'd like to show you.
Partner.
Oh, my assistant has something she'd like to show you, partner.
It's a positive pregnancy test, Tom.
I found it outside of Ron's cabin after our brainstorming session.
Is there any possibility Mona-Lisa could be pregnant? We always use protection but I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them.
What brand pregnancy test is it? It's called "Womb There It Is.
" That's her brand.
I'm gonna be a dad? I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? Oh, God.
What have I done? Like, to humanity? This is the perfect thing to take my mind off of yesterday.
I am going to pretend that this is my victory parade and the town is celebrating my hard work and dedication.
- There you go.
- Leslie, Leslie.
I'm so sorry.
I need to talk to you.
What are-- what? I'm the Nipple King.
Kernston's Rubber Nipple Company elects a nipple king and a nipple queen every year to ride on the float.
- Congratulations, Chris.
- Thank you.
- It's such an amazing honor.
- It's wonderful.
But I do need to talk to you about a float that is in this parade, because I'm not sure that you're going to be-- - No fun for you! - Uh-oh.
No fun for you! - Is that me? - Maybe it's not you.
- Maybe it's Kate Upton.
- Oh, thank you.
No, it's me, and damn them.
No fun for you! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, stop, please! Stop! Excuse me, Pawnee.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop your parade or anything, but I just have to say something here, okay? I don't think this is very fair! Babe--babe, stop wagging your finger.
Certain people are lashing out at me because of things that I did this year.
But I am not trying to stop you from having fun.
I am an extremely fun person.
This float represents a group of over 300 business owners, individuals, and community leaders who are protesting unfair government regulation.
We are the committee to recall Leslie Knope.
Let's kick her out of office.
Recall Knope! Recall Knope! Recall Knope! - Recall Knope! - Legalize weed! Recall Knope! Recall Knope! So, I need to ask you something and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here.
Please tell me that you're dumping my sister, because I will laugh-- I will laugh so much.
Actually, it may be the opposite.
- Is this yours? - No, no.
Yeah.
It's mine.
- I'm pregnant.
- Lemony snicket.
Oh, my God, are you serious? I'm gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? Is that gonna happen? No, no, that's too much-- too much responsibility for me.
I gotta--I gotta find another way out of this.
Well, I wish you told me.
I mean, obviously, we need to talk about our future.
Maybe I could sell the business, and we could use the profits to put a down payment on a house or something, or-- - Psych! - What? Ah, ha, ha.
Look at your stupid face.
- You had a dumdum face.
- That was hilarious.
Oh, that was hilarious That's hilarious So you're not pregnant? This isn't yours? [Bleep.]
, no.
Do you know how many different pills I take, birth control or otherwise? There is no way that I could be pregnant with a human baby.
Thank God.
Yes! Tommy has his life back! Let's go! What the hell is wrong with you, man? That's my sister.
Nah! I'm just kidding, man.
She's the worst.
You dodged a bullet, baby.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Well, Macklin, it's not Mona-Lisa.
It's not me, it's not Donna, it's not Leslie.
There was only one other woman at that cabin.
April? No, she would've told me.
Besides, the math doesn't add up because we only have sex every single day.
And since she's the only one that we haven't talked to, it has to be hers.
Oh, my God.
I don't like seeing you like this.
I've never felt this way before.
Maybe I should just quit.
Maybe we should both quit, and we should move to the Bahamas, live on a beach, catch fish with homemade spears.
Yeah, you'd last about 30 seconds with that work.
When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.
M.
to watch Meet the Press.
Well, it was Elizabeth Warren.
Like, I'm not going to watch that live? Look, you can hate your job sometimes.
It's allowed.
But let me ask you this: Do you think this town is better off - than it was a year ago? - Yes.
Do you stand behind everything you've done? - Yes.
- Then screw 'em.
But even if I wanted to fight this recall, how would I do it? Thank you all for coming.
As most of you probably know, there is a large committee that has announced plans to recall me from office.
My response to them is this: Bring it on.
Step up.
Step Up 2: The Streets.
I'm sorry, my adrenaline is pumping, so all I can think of is dance movie titles.
Stomp the Yard.
There's one.
Look, I work very hard for this town, as hard as I can, and all that matters to me is whether or not everyone here thinks that they are better off now than they were a year ago.
I think you are.
If you disagree with me, then go ahead and recall me.
Go crazy.
You Got Served.
Silver Linings Playbook, kind of.
The committee says they plan to push for a recall vote within two months.
- Do you have a comment on that? - Nope.
Again, all I really care about is are you better off? I think I'm better off.
I haven't had a date in a while, but I'm learning a lot about me.
Well, I wasn't asking you specifically, but I'm happy to hear that, Shauna.
So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall.
No, I can't end my big press conference by saying "Recall, shmecall.
" That's ridiculous.
Ben, can you help me out here? That concludes councilwoman Knope's press conference.
And if you have any further questions hold on to them, because she has a lot of work to do.
Thanks, honey.
Honey.
That's another dance movie with Jessica alba.
Alright, people.
The Pawnee river's not gonna clean itself.
Volunteer weekend task force, mobilize.
Oh, Leslie, this goes without saying, but if you need any speeches or testimonials or just general enthusiasm for your recall fight, I'm your man.
- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.
I'll see you at the river.
Oh, oh, oh! Last one to pick up has still accomplished a great deal.
Hey, maybe after, you wanna come meet me and Chris for a drink? Sure.
Hey, how's it going with you guys? We're great, actually, and we're having a good time.
- Sex is ridiculous.
- Mm-hmm.
Hopefully, that ridiculous sex will lead to a baby.
I'm so happy for you.
Just remember to use protection.
Wait, no, don't.
That would defeat the purpose.
Okay, no.
Do your thing.
Yeah! - My wife is pregnant! - Okay, put me down.
Hey, you can't keep it from me.
I found the pregnancy test, honey.
Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay? And if I were, you shouldn't lift me up.
Wait, are you sure you're not? Yeah.
We've talked about this.
Remember? I wanna wait until we're 50 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
Actually, there is something I need to tell you.
You're pregnant.
- No.
- No! We just ruled that out.
- Ah, dang it.
- Okay, a while ago, I applied to veterinary school in Bloomington, and I just found out that I got in.
You did? That's amazing! Wait, why did you wait to tell me? Because I don't even know if I wanna go, okay? I mean, yes, it's been my dream to work with animals since I was a kid and everything.
But it would mean I would be spending a lot of time apart from you, and Oh, we could get through that.
I mean, look.
It would suck for a while, and I would miss you while you're gone.
But as I've known about you for the past 20 seconds, this is your dream.
I'm really glad I married you.
Yeah, we made a good call on that one.
So I just wanted to let you know I will not be selling Rent-A-Swag.
And you can go tell your client he now has 100 problems? - Is it Jay-Z? - No.
But since you're not taking the deal, I should inform you that my client will be moving on to plan B: Opening his own store directly across the street from yours.
Across the street? What kind of store is it gonna be? He's calling it "Tommy's Closet.
" It's a high-end secondhand clothing store where parents can rent clothes for their teens, tweens, and pres, as well as babies, toddlers, grown-ups, and olds.
But that's my idea and my name.
So I guess only Domino's is allowed to sell pizza now? It's called capitalism, Mr.
Haverford, and you are about to get a free lesson.
Only this free lesson is going to cost you.
So it's not free? You're right.
That was confusing.
This lesson will cost you.
Good day.
This sucks, but I have to admit: It's a pretty baller move.
You sure this isn't Diddy? - It is Diddy.
- I knew it! It's not Diddy.
Are you sure everything will be all right if April goes to vet school? There are no sure things in life, son, but you two seem pretty solid to me.
- Change is good, I guess.
- Not to me.
Leslie's going around asking everybody if they're better off than they were a year ago.
All I care about is that I'm the same.
If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy.
Wait, I forgot.
- Who the hell is pregnant? - What? I found a pregnancy test at your cabin, and I checked with all the girls over there.
It wasn't any of them.
Hello, darling.
What a surprise.
Hey.
Can we talk? Maybe in private?