Parks and Recreation s07e03 Episode Script

William Henry Harrison

So, gentlemen, you have evidence that the Newport land should be preserved.
You see, I'm a ninth-level octopriest in the Church of the Reasonableists.
Oh, boy.
The land is sacred in our religion because it's the place where all human souls will be transmuted when Zorp the Lizard God passes through Jupiter's Sphincter.
- Hail Zorp.
- Hail Zorp.
I'm looking for anything to strengthen my case that the Newport land should become a park and not a corporate campus.
Religious reasons, animal conservation, historical significance.
So, hold onto your straws, everybody, because Mama's going grasping.
In 1980, there were more than 600 million Indiana Brown Ants in that forest.
Today, there are only 595 million.
At that rate, they'll all be gone by the year 203060.
Two hundred and three thousand and sixty? Two hundred thousand years from now? Yes.
That doesn't seem like an immediate crisis.
I've got a different idea for that land.
An amusement park with rides and food and sexy cartoon characters.
I call it Disneyland.
How did you get in here? Broke a window.
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
You guys, I am Roscoe.
I am Vice President of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.
Feel free in this meeting to break out your vapes and just kick back.
Now, peep this.
Leslie Knope has been meeting with people to try to sexy up her presentation.
So, we had this far-out brain tornado.
Good idea.
We should get a brity to come kick it with us small-time and then just be like, "Hey, chums.
Let's get tight with Gryzz.
" We need a celebrity as a minority owner.
It will strengthen Gryzzl's bid.
Is a celebrity necessary? I prefer quality over flash.
That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.
Celebrities can help with this kind of thing.
The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn if it weren't for Jay Z.
And the sales for Chick-fil-A went through the roof once Elton John bought them.
Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee.
So, a local celebrity is going to make everyone feel more at ease with us.
And that's why we called on you home court chillers to frack your brainiums.
Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas I got it from context.
I have no interest in consorting with celebrities.
The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious and Magnus, the 5x5 bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago.
Took a shot at the bastard, and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed.
One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.
Have you thought about this? You could be an airline pilot.
I don't like heights.
What about a submarine pilot? I don't like depths.
I don't like anything, okay? You're not gonna be able to find a career for me.
So, just give up.
No way, babe.
We can do this.
Let's play a game.
Okay? You say a word, I say a word, we see if it makes a profession.
Hey, Leslie, I need both you and Ron to sign this City Point of Sale document, since the land you're gunning for lies within city limits.
Can we run over to Ron's office and take care of this? Well, I love it when you talk Point of Sale docs.
You know it turns me on.
But no.
There's no way that I will be in the same room with Ron Swanson unless it is during a police lineup when I am pointing him out as the man who betrayed me.
"That's him, officer! Ronald Swanson.
" "Thank you, Leslie, that's the fifth crime you've solved this month.
"I'm not supposed to do this, but let me give you a badge and" Could you please focus? It will take two minutes.
And all signatures need to be notarized, and I really don't want to have to schedule two different notary appointments.
Not to eavesdrop, But I have a crazy story.
I recently had a bit of a health scare, just a couple weeks in the hospital.
Oh, God.
This story's terrible so far.
Anyway, I became really motivated once I got out to finally live life to the fullest.
So, I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams, and I became a Notary Public.
So, if I go with you, Ron and Leslie can sign the document separately.
See, Ben? It all works out.
I'll sign the documents here, and then you can bring it to Ron and he can sign it there, and then you can tell Ron to rot in hell.
How long are you two going to go on like this? You're acting like a little kid.
No, I'm not.
And infinity plus one year.
Andy, bring in the next person.
Perd Hapley.
Crazy Ira and the Douche.
Tom Haverford? That's nice, but I don't know if you can really consider me a celebrity.
That's your handwriting.
These are all great options, but I think we need to go after Pawnee's biggest fish.
Annabel Porter from Bloosh.
That horrifying Lifestyle Newsletter filled with vegan recipes and pointless tchotchkes? Forget it.
That woman is my nightmare.
Um, she's a big deal, Ron.
Bloosh has won the Pulitzer Prize for best top ten listicle two years in a row.
Hi, Leslie.
Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee Historical Society.
Oh, yes, Bill, I remember you.
I heard you were looking for information on the Newport land, and I have some very exciting news for you.
It concerns William Henry Harrison.
We claim William Henry Harrison as a hero because he was the first governor of the Indiana territories and then President of the United States.
We're also a little ashamed of him because he didn't wear a coat at his inauguration, caught a bad cold and died 32 days later.
He's an embarrassing footnote.
But he's our embarrassing footnote.
I've recently self-published a biography about Harrison entitled Barely a President.
William Henry Harrison's Thirty-Two Days in the White House.
I discovered that Harrison had a heretofore unknown hunting lodge on the very land you're trying to acquire.
Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book.
If a US President had a house on that land, it could qualify for historic landmark status, and we could really stick it to Ron's team.
Which would be icing on the cake, not the reason why we're doing this.
Show me this incredible lodge.
Let's go.
That book sounded so boring, I cried a little.
Oh, babe, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
You're safe now.
Hey, Ron.
Sorry to bother you, but I need you to sign this Point of Sale document.
And please sign it in cursive.
It raises a lot of red flags if you don't.
So, what's Leslie up to? Well, I don't think I should discuss that, given that you're in competition.
Need to remain neutral.
Fair enough.
Terry, what's Leslie up to? She is trying to find a historical reason to earmark the land for preservation.
Terry, come on, man.
Leslie, you little sneak.
If Leslie is going for a hook, we should, too.
Let's get Annabel Bloosh person.
Glad to see you've finally come around after these two minutes of insanity.
Now, will you please consider investing in that toddler cologne I've been bugging you about? Toddler cologne.
Baby, You smell good.
Here we are.
Here we are, like, "Here's the place where I buried the map "that will show us the way to "William Henry Harrison's awesome hunting cabin?" No.
This is all that's left.
This place is awesome.
Babe, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one.
You know, I love William Henry Harrison as much, if not slightly more than, the next guy, but this is garbage.
I mean, literally.
There's a bag of old hamburgers over there.
What? How old? We're running out of time, and we need to beat Ron.
So, we're going to have to use this old pile of bricks.
I need to gather everything I can on William Henry Harrison.
Let's head to the Harrison museum over in Vincennes.
I volunteer there part time.
I found an artifact! Historical artifact! William Henry Harrison's wig.
Put that down.
You've got to be kidding me.
No, I'm sorry, Ben, but there's a page missing from the document.
So, then, the signatures are invalid.
Can't we just say it was there? You're asking a notary to lie.
I signed an oath, Ben.
And then a different notary notarized the oath I signed.
William Henry Harrison is totally ridiculous.
They can't even fill a small museum with real stuff about his life because he was so lame.
The If He'd Worn A Coat room explores how great America would have been if Harrison had worn a coat at his inauguration and not died.
This room is called Other Things That Were Famous For One Month.
Oh, and side note, admission to this museum costs $14.
And while you're here, why not visit the Other Famous Harrisons exhibit? Okay, guys, this is so great.
During the election campaign of 1840, William Henry Harrison supporters rolled this 10-foot tin and paper ball down country lanes all across America.
And they would sing along with a jug band, and it was just so exciting.
People would come from miles just to see it.
Why? Was there something inside the stupid ball? Ooh! Like a giant hamster? This is what we have to work with, okay? We are up against a very flashy Internet company, and we should be aiming for quantity over quality.
So, we're going to throw a bunch of Harrison facts at them and a big pile of bricks and whatever else we can find.
Quantity, people! Quantity! Wow! This is exactly what I imagined heaven looks like.
Right down to the unisex linen tunics.
Annabel, ma chérie.
I'm sorry I'm late for our coven.
I was polishing my oyster forks with a cage-free olive oil rub.
Apology accepted, and then I have no reaction to anything else you said.
I can't help but ask, what's in right now? Well, this season, I'm intrigued by asymmetrical overalls, angora toothbrushes, and locally sourced Italian flip-flops.
Also, there's a flirty trend in beverages.
So, you've had soy milk and almond milk.
Now, try the hottest new craze, beef milk.
It's like almond milk that's been squeezed through tiny holes in living cows.
That's milk.
- No.
- No.
Milk costs $3 a gallon.
Annabel's authentic, hand-strained teat-to-table Beef Milk? That costs $60 a gallon.
And there's a wait list.
This woman knows business.
And I would be extremely jazzed to be part of the Gryzzl bid.
Shall we discuss it in my yurt? Great.
Okay, let's try this again.
All pages accounted for.
Just sign right here.
How is Leslie doing with her quest? Again, I don't want to talk about her plan with you, nor yours with her.
I'm sure you understand.
Terry, what is Leslie up to? Getting ready for a big press conference.
Terry, come on! A press conference? So, she's found something to strengthen her bid.
Mmm? No need to discuss any further.
You will be the face of the Gryzzl bid.
Well, this calls for a celebratory dram of aged grappa.
So, I just sign here? No! No! No! Ah! Great.
There you go.
Yeah, that's invalid now.
I know.
Excuse me, Mr.
Haggerty? I just wanted to say that I really like your museum.
It's weird and sad and unnecessary.
Is there, like, a museum curator position I could apply for? Sorry, everyone here is a volunteer.
Though you do get a yearly stipend of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.
Accepted only at that vending machine.
That's a bummer.
But, hey, babe, listen.
Maybe you could start your own museum.
About what? I'm sorry, but I am not like you.
You love everything.
The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, and weird birthmarks.
You can't make museums about those.
This is another dead end.
Guys, let's keep it going.
Right? Somebody grab the reading glasses.
Somebody grab that walking stick.
Grab everything you can.
I'm officially dubbing this Operation Quantity.
Oh, thank God you're still here.
I cannot believe the weird notary hell I've been trapped in.
It's been more like heaven for me.
I mean, what a day.
What's Ron up to? Okay, I am not No, you have to tell me because you legally bound yourself to me in marriage, sucker.
Okay, fine.
They got Annabel Porter to be the celebrity face of their group.
That little rat.
Two can play this game.
Bill, Operation Quantity needs a face.
Does William Henry Harrison have any direct descendants in the area? One.
A distant nephew named Zach Harrison.
This is our guy! American royalty! His veins pulse with the blood of our storied forefathers! Zach Harrison? I went to camp with this guy.
No one would ride in the boat with him because he had terrible BO.
Then, he went with Janine, our counselor, and he fell asleep and got a boner.
Well, he's American royalty.
Okay? And we need him for the press conference.
And we need all of this stuff.
So help me God, I will make a mountain out of this molehill.
Leslie, I do Quantity, people.
Notary publics can trace our origin all the way back to ancient Rome.
No way.
Calvin Coolidge was a notary.
And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad and so was Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather.
It's 2.
5 pounds of pressure is what you need to get the perfect stamp.
This monthly Well, it's a notary email newsletter.
And, oh, my gosh.
Ben, it's fun.
It's just fun.
Babe, I have been thinking a lot about what you said.
I made a list of everything that I know you like.
Playing with our dog, staring contests, sex with me, etc.
And then, I lost the list.
So, I had to make a new list.
I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg.
And that's when my leg fell asleep.
Okay, could you just skip ahead a little? What do all the things on that list have in common? They're one-on-one.
You like dealing with people or dogs one-on-one.
See, we don't make a list of the things that you love.
We make a list of the reasons why you love them.
And then we find something that fits that list.
You're the best husband ever.
Hi, Zach Harrison.
You wanted to meet with me about a press conference? Yes, hello, Zach.
Yes, I am Leslie.
It is an honor to have you here.
You are Indiana's last living link to this great man.
Look, I really don't think you should make a big deal out of this.
I just happen to be a descendant of a guy.
You could be the descendant of George Washington, I wouldn't know.
Do you? No, that was just a hypothetical Could that be possible? Because, you know, I've always thought that we shared very similar jawlines.
That's something to chew on.
Anyway, okay, doesn't matter.
I need this to be very impressive.
So, head on in there and be presidentially descended.
Just go in there.
Okay? Just walk, walk, walk there.
Quiet now.
Walk in.
Zach! Camp Wamapoke.
You got a boner.
We'll catch up.
What a dick.
Hey! No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
What? Ron, what are you doing here? Setting up for our press conference, which will take place immediately after yours.
Are you crazy? You can't do that.
Do you want me to bite him? No.
Ignore them.
We start in 10 minutes.
Swanson, you didn't say anything about ambushing Leslie's press conference.
I didn't think it was relevant.
Come on, man.
This isn't cool.
This is a competition.
We need to win it.
Please do your jobs.
Good evening.
Pawnee is a place of culture, history, and heritage.
And the National Parks Service is proud to say that we've discovered a new chapter in the life of local hero and President William Henry Harrison.
A heretofore unknown hunting lodge was recently discovered smack dab in the middle of the Newport land.
What great historical moments took place within these hallowed halls? Did Harrison plan his presidential campaign while sitting around the hearth which used to be there.
Did he write letters to Thomas Jefferson on his rolltop desk, which, you know, I don't know, might have existed.
The point is William Henry Harrison would have wanted this land preserved as a national park.
Don't believe me? Let's ask him.
In the form of his direct descendant, Zachary.
Hi, I'm Zach.
Zachary, what is it like being a descendant of William Henry Harrison? Uh Harrison's a pretty common last name.
Okay, sit.
Now, travel back in time with me to 1840, when William Henry Harrison, "Old Tippecanoe," runs for President.
And his campaign rolls this giant tin and paper ball from town to town, while Americans everywhere sing along.
Hit it, gang! What has caused this great commotion, motion, motion Our country through It is the ball a-rolling on They're talking about this ball.
For Tippecanoe and Tyler, too Tippecanoe and Tyler, too And with him, we'll beat Little Van Martin Van Buren.
That's who.
Van is a used up man And with them we'll beat Little Van "Wow, that was cool", said some boring idiot from 200 years ago.
Who cares about some dumb grandpa and his tin ball? That's the past.
Gryzzl is the future.
The Newport land will become the Midwest headquarters of America's most dynamic technology company.
Here to introduce our vision is Annabel Porter from Bloosh, and the sexy ladies known in Pawnee as the Somebody's Daughter dancers.
Disposable duvets.
Growth hacking.
Super Moon.
Now, come with me, as we binge-watch the future.
That was sickening.
All flash, and no substance.
It was exactly as substantive as your presentation.
No, it was not! We had way more quantity than you.
For the love of all that is holy, both of you, please, sign this form.
Not that it matters.
I'm definitely going to wake up tomorrow morning with the same forms for you to sign.
Because I've died somehow and now I'm a ghost living in purgatory until I complete my unfinished business.
I'm not signing anything he's signing.
Did you just hear what I said? No, of course you didn't.
Because I'm a ghost.
You know what? I can't stand you.
I can't stand your stupid mustache and your stupid shirt and your stupid name.
That's not even a word.
Well, I have had just about enough of your stubborn behavior.
Ever since the Morningstar incident, you have been completely unreasonable.
You are the unreasonable one! You've been unreasonable way before Morningstar! You're the most unreasonable, stubborn person I have ever met, and I'm never gonna change my mind on that, no matter what anybody says! You're not that good at scrapbooking.
What? Okay.
Would you just sign right here? And I will need your thumbprints.
Man, those two really hate each other.
That feud is, like, Biggie-Tupac level.
Maybe even Morgan Freeman-Shailene Woodley level.
It's bad, but it's not that bad.
This is like when the triplets fight except I can't just give Leslie and Ron stuffed animals to make them calm down.
Actually, that might work.
Have we tried that? Well, they've always butted heads, but I really I don't think they hate each other.
I just think they're very different people and they've just drifted apart once they stopped working in the same office.
You okay? Yeah.
Well, I ordered 60 veggie pizzas to Ron's office.
So, that calmed me down a little.
I know you're furious at him.
But please, come to a neutral site and sit with Ron for 30 seconds so I can get this dumb document signed.
Ah! I'll let you rename the triplets Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.
Okay, fine.
But I get to sign first.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's just get this over with.
Let me get that for you.
Got them! What? What's going on? What's going on? Let us out immediately.
You guys are being ridiculous.
This has gone too far, and you are not leaving this office until you've made peace.