Parks and Recreation s07e05 Episode Script


Forget it.
It's impossible.
It's not gonna work in a million years.
It's pointless.
I give up.
Good attitude, honey.
Well, you know, what do you want from me? I'm trying to get a group of people to give me their land rather than sell it to Gryzzl for $90 million.
Right now, my basic argument is, "Please give us the land.
It would be so nice.
" Gryzzl has billions of dollars.
There's no way I beat them.
I've seen you beat tougher odds than this.
They're just a company.
They're not that powerful.
Whoa! "Open your door?" Ah! Oh, my God! Ben, we're about to die! Good lord.
Oh, my The robots have come for us.
I made fun of you when you said it would happen but your novel has come true.
Hey, Leslie Knope.
Please enjoy this free gift, courtesy of Gryzzl.
Okay, so, they also have a squadron of flying robots giving presents to everyone.
Later! We're screwed.
Mmm New dish we're working on, tell me what you think.
It's a red and white heirloom red bean pasta, with an imported Tuscan walnut herb sauce infused with shaved heritage Pecorino Romano.
What, you're done? Mmm.
Really good.
Why are you doing new dishes? Lucy is visiting her boyfriend, Conrad, in Chicago.
So I'm just trying to distract myself with work so I don't think about the marathon bone sex they're probably having.
Hey, you know what, dude, you gotta take your mind off them.
Check this out.
It's a contract.
It came from the station manager where I do my show, Johnny Karate.
He wants me to sign it, but it says that they'll own the character Johnny Karate.
And I want to own the character Johnny Karate, 'cause it's me.
Wait, this says they only pay you 100 bucks a week? Yeah, but all I really do is goof around all day, write, produce and direct a TV show.
Plus, I act in it, I do sets, props, wardrobe.
At the end I drive everybody home.
So, I mean, 100 bucks a week, that's pretty fair.
This is perfect.
I'll be your agent.
I'll put all my energy into renegotiating your contract.
I won't even think about Lucy and Conrad and his stupid crunches that he probably does.
I should probably do some crunches.
Let's go.
Andy, my tum-tum! Knope, I need to talk to you.
What's up? I know I technically work for Gryzzl, but these fools have crossed a line.
Have you gotten one of these Gryzzl boxes? Well, yeah, but I haven't opened it yet.
Planning on sending it back after I wrote a sternly worded letter about how I cannot be bought with free gifts.
These are my free gifts.
Two honey bears and a canister of sugar plums.
Honeybear and Sugar Plum are the special names Joe and I call each other.
Aww! Yeah, we're adorable, but this is creepy.
Because we only call each other these things on the phone or in texts.
How do they even know? Leslie, open that box they sent you.
Ooh! Joe Biden's book, Biden the Rails, 1,001 Poems Inspired by My Travels through Amtrak's Northeast Corridor.
A thousand? A poster of the Supreme Court Justices sipping the Friends milkshake! This stuff is perfect for me.
Yeah, exactly.
They must be data-mining.
Searching our texts and emails and gathering profiles on all of us.
This is a huge invasion of privacy, not to mention illegal.
When they installed their free Wi-Fi in town, I made sure that there was language preventing this.
I never would have agreed to work with them if I had known they were gonna be snoopin' in my biz.
Gryzzl is going down.
You wanna put me on blast, I'm gonna put you on front street.
I don't understand what that means but I think I get the context and I love it! April, the new Parks interns start today, and I was wondering if you would deliver a little welcome speech.
Go away.
Watermelon martinis, exposed brick, Keri Russell's hair.
Why did you just say those weird things? On the advice of my therapist, Dr.
Richard Nygard, whenever I feel like yelling, I just take a deep breath and say three great things about being alive.
Please talk to my interns.
I'll do it.
I started here when I was 20, and now I'm old and gross and directionless.
Those kids are me 10 years ago, and this internship is the videotape from The Ring.
It's too late for me, I've seen too much, but maybe I can save them.
You're all gonna die in here! Hello, everyone.
We are here today to discuss Gryzzl and whether or not they are invading our privacy.
They sent my husband three boxes of genital cream to his office.
My husband's splotchy genitals are no one's business except for his, mine, and his many genital doctors.
They sent me a bunch of toy pigs dressed like movie stars.
That's my private hobby.
No one knows I collect toy pigs dressed like movie stars.
Except now all of you people.
Which one is that? This is actually Hamuel L.
Jackson from the movie Pork Fiction.
It's extremely rare, and I am keeping it.
But still, they have no right to give me something I will treasure the rest of my life.
I opened my box in front of all my friends and it was a bunch of Virginia Woolf novels.
Now Miley and Haley know I like to read! What if they tell Evan? I like their phones, but they've gone too far, sending this stuff to our houses.
Gryzzl has no right to search our private data.
So, wait.
You guys are not against us on this? We're not against you on this.
We're not against you on this! We're not against you on this! Finally, after months of searching for a way to defeat Gryzzl, we have found its Achilles' heel.
The town is behind us.
Donna is on our side.
And the next domino to fall? Ron Swanson.
Actually, this is Tom Sell-oink, but, you know, close enough.
Actually, I'm gonna need that back.
Oh, yes, of course.
February 2016.
I think you're gonna really enjoy this month's photo album.
It includes such hits as first trip to the dentist, Sonia tries pizza, and waterpark vomit chain reaction.
Why would you take pictures of that? Why would you not? As you requested, here is a picture of my son, at a recent moment in his life.
So cute What are you doing? Protecting my son's privacy.
What, I'm just gonna carry around pictures of my child, where anyone could see them? Well, it's funny you should mention privacy, because that's our next topic.
Ron technically works for Gryzzl, and when he finds out what Gryzzl is doing, he is going to lose his mind.
I have no reaction to this.
What? I do not pass judgment on the workings of private businesses, I just build their buildings.
And frankly, if people are foolish enough to carry around a doodad that lets Gryzzl track their every move, this is what they get.
But it's illegal.
I don't believe that's true.
I've spent a fair amount of time with Gryzzl's high-priced lawyers, and they do seem to, as they say, "Keep it 100.
" Well, those fools still think I work for them.
So, I can get you a private VIP tour of the building, maybe you can snoop around.
Hey there, homies, I'm Roscoe.
Psyched to give you guys a tour.
Yes, hello.
I'm Darlene Johannsen, and this is my assistant-turned-lover, Gregory Strong.
Ours is a new romance, but one that sent shockwaves through my architecture firm.
But it feels so right.
We love Gryzzl and we would love to see how it all works.
Let's get loco.
Okay, so, let's get to know each other.
Talk about why you're here, whether you're throwing your lives away, stuff like that.
You, what brought you here? I love the Parks Department.
I grew up near Ramsett Park and I used to go to tons of stuff there.
That doesn't help me.
Mork? Oh, It's Mike.
I love parks more than anything.
And I've been a summer camp counselor since I was 13.
Ugh! Gross.
What about you? Why are you here? The only thing I love more than parks is recreation.
Really? No.
I just needed a college credit.
What are you studying? Nothing.
College is stupid.
Then who made you do this? My parents.
What are they like? Well, my mom's the devil and my dad's a dumb doctor.
My dad's a doctor.
Shut up.
Jen, is it? Yeah.
Let's take a walk, Jen.
I feel like you have almost zero potential.
I think that's cool.
And, action.
We meet again, Puppy-Hating Dan.
You stole my guitar.
And you put farts in my lunch! You've really done it this time.
Puppy Army, attack! Yeah! What? No! I hate puppies! I'll admit to everything! You win again, Macklin! Another mystery solved! We'll be right back after this with some more Johnny Karate.
Hey, that's lunch everyone.
We're back in 30 minutes.
Great job, bud.
You crushed it.
I love being Andy's agent.
He does all the work, and I get 10% just for showing up.
It's like a chef at a restaurant making all the food and then the owner gets the profit, which is my other job.
Man, I really got things figured out.
Let's make this quick.
Andy's show gets huge ratings in three cities.
His GryzzlTube page has millions of views.
If you don't want Andy walking over to your rival station in Snerling, I think you should start taking this seriously.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna upgrade the parking spot.
But my son gets a role as one of the kid ninjas, all right? He's gonna love me for it.
It's gonna drive my ex-wife crazy.
So far, so good.
But, in the words of Jerry Maguire "The human head weighs 8 pounds.
" No.
"Show me the money.
" Andy, do you know how lucky you are to work here? I'm a kingmaker.
Pip Wiley, Chuck Warschank, Selena Gomez.
I made them.
You discovered Selena Gomez? Different Selena Gomez.
Look, I don't have the money for a raise.
Uh Yeah, you do.
I've seen profit reports.
The show is a bonanza.
Andy starts making $500 a week.
Get the hell out of my office.
Sit down.
Look, dude, this internship leads nowhere.
It'll just screw up the rest of your life.
What do you love doing? Texting.
What did you wanna be when you were little? A scary mermaid that lures sailors to their death.
Okay, side note, I'm gonna file papers to adopt you as my child, so keep an eye out for that.
But more importantly, don't do this internship.
Go do something fun, like trying to control birds with your mind, or posting Internet comments as Michael Jackson's ghost.
Maybe you're right.
Hey, April! We finished those questionnaires you gave us about our hopes and dreams for the internship.
Thanks, Mike.
I'm sorry this building is so lame.
As soon as we get our new headquarters built, it's gonna be way, way tighter.
Check it.
Okay, this is GryzzlVibe.
It's this new app that we're developing that monitors your mood.
Tell them about it.
As you know, the cameras on your phones are always on, whether you're using them or not.
I'm sorry? They are? This app uses facial-recognition software to track your expressions.
It's always watching.
Well, what do you do with this information? Well, if the camera senses that you're in a bad mood, then we could geo-match you to, say, the nearest cup of sweet pick-me-up java.
But, if you're in a good mood, then we could geo-nudge you to, like, a sweet coffee shop.
You could just keep the good times rolling.
So it's really just a coffee sales app.
Yeah, we're developing with Starbucks.
So, Roscoe, how does Gryzzl know all the things that someone wants? Are you guys, I don't know, whatever, data-mining? Oh, hells yeah, dogman! Our super rad algorithm searches all your texts, calls, banking, medical records, blah, blah, blah, to learn what you really want.
You know, from snacks, to new books and movies, to when you ladies need to score some new 'pons.
I mean, we might know you better than you know yourself, Leslie.
How did you know it was me? It was about 40 different ways.
I mean, geo-maps on all your different Gryzzl devices.
And, of course, we face-scanned you when you came in.
We're really glad you're here.
Okay, good.
Just 'cause we're competing for the Newport land doesn't mean that we can't be friends.
Isn't that your motto? "Wouldn't it be tight if everyone was chill to each other?" Totes.
And I hope that you can see now that there's nothing scary about Gryzzl.
I mean, we just wanna learn everything about everyone, and track them wherever they go, and anticipate what they're about to do.
These are really interesting issues, Roscoe.
I think maybe we could debate them, you know, on TV.
I love it.
All right.
I'm gonna GryzzlPad out of here.
Skate mode activated.
Later, chillers.
This is The Perdples Court, a legal debate show about issues facing residents of Southern Indiana.
With your host, Judge Perd Hapley.
Tonight on The Perdples Court, we will have the guests that have been booked for tonight's show.
The plaintiff, Leslie Knope, who has some big allegations against Gryzzl.
The defendant, Gryzzl Vice President Roscoe Santangelo.
Who will win? I don't know yet.
Which is what makes this a court show.
We have public opinion on our side, and we have proof that Gryzzl has been data-mining.
But there's one more thing we need.
The one thing that Americans respect more than anything else.
Public humiliation on live television.
Leslie, do not go on television.
Swanson? What are you doing here? This is the 27th version of the Pawnee-Gryzzl free wireless Internet thing agreement.
Check out the page I marked.
Gryzzl is not allowed to collect and use customer data for any purposes.
It's pretty clear.
See? Look closer.
Amendment C, addendum 14.
It directs you to this appendix, which reroutes you to this one, which says, in a sub-footnote It says here they can gather and use any information they want.
How did I miss this? Look at the revision date.
December 18th, 2015.
That was the opening day of Episode VII.
You were muttering that date in your sleep for months.
They knew you'd be distracted.
That's how they slipped it in.
I did this to the town.
It's my fault.
It's Ice Town all over again.
Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy? Okay, this is what I can give you.
No more janitorial duties, better parking spot, unlimited Mike and Ikes from the vending machine, and for salary, we're at $500 a week.
Dollars, man.
What about the rights to Johnny Karate? We own the rights to Johnny Karate.
I can't bend on that one.
But I invented the character.
Well, invent another character.
Uh Here you go, Kung-Fu Billy.
Jeremy Punch-Guy.
Ed Kick.
Those are actually pretty great.
But Johnny Karate is special to me.
If we can't get the rights, I'm gonna walk.
He's making the biggest mistake of his life.
He's walking out on Hank Muntak? I have six Lower Great Lakes Emmy Awards.
I once sat in the original Batmobile.
James Woods follows my niece on Twitter.
He's gonna regret this.
All of this work, everything I've done for this city, it's all a wash now.
Everyone's gonna hate me again.
Some of us are already there, Wyatt.
This is not your fault.
Ron, talk some sense into him.
Ben's right.
This is Ice Town all over again.
Ron! If you're gonna sign a legally binding document, you need to read it thoroughly.
That's why the only contract I've ever signed was my Mulligan's Steakhouse Club Card.
And even then, I used a fake name.
Les Vegetables.
Don't worry, okay? You're not gonna take the fall for this.
Ron, make sure that Donna doesn't hurt him.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
Can you tell me where Jennifer is? I convinced her to quit.
Martha Stewart's apron line, my tomato plants Oh, God, I'm out.
Where's my emergency list? Recently I've been feeling like I've wasted the last 10 years of my life, and it all started with this internship.
And I don't want those kids to make the same mistake, okay? April, you spent the last 10 years doing amazing things with this Parks Department, and learning from the greatest teacher in this or any business, Leslie Freaking Knope.
You'd be a checkout girl at a gas station if it wasn't for that internship! Sweet potato pie, unlikely animal friend pairings, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
You're lucky to have worked here, no matter what you wanna do with the rest of your life.
And I think you know that.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a new intern.
Now, Leslie, I understand that what you've brought to the show isn't a box of objects, but rather a symbolic box of allegations.
Well, Perd It's Judge Perd.
I think there are certain questions about certain aspects of certain parts of this situation that require an evaluation about whether or not this is or is not a valid argument.
Extremely well-put.
Excuse me, Judge Perd.
I'm Ben Wyatt, City Manager.
What Gryzzl is doing with our private information may not technically be illegal, but it's definitely not chill.
Whoa! That's a serious allegaysh, homie.
We are hella chill.
And frankly, if you don't like our vibe, you don't have to use our shizz.
Well, we kind of do.
I mean, the Internet is no longer optional.
It's a necessity for everyone.
And I think you do know that data-mining isn't chill, because you snuck it into the 27th update of a 500-page user agreement.
A person should not have to have an advanced law degree to avoid being taken advantage of by a multi-billion-dollar company.
You should be upfront about what you're doing and allow people the ability to opt out.
To be honest, Judge Perd is stumped by this case.
I've also misplaced my judge hammer.
I cannot render a verdict here.
Therefore, I must declare a mistrial, which is a term I've heard people use in the movies.
Tap, tap, tap.
Case ended.
And we're clear.
All right.
Later, dudes.
Hey, good news.
I think I found a job.
There was an opening for a janitor at the TV station.
Get this, they're gonna pay me the minimum wage.
Put your mop down, bud.
I got you the rights to Johnny Karate.
No way.
How? Just a great agent, I guess.
Please, man, please! Andy's my friend and I want to do a good job, and there's this girl I really like and she lives in Chicago.
And she's still dating someone.
Oh, God.
Do you wanna eat at my restaurant for free? Every week.
You can come once a week.
It's free.
Hey, okay.
Just stop.
See? I told you it was gonna work out.
That's actually really good advice for anything.
If there's something that you want badly, you just have to believe that it's gonna work out.
I am sorry that I screwed up your life.
I found a bunch of new potential interns to replace Jen.
How'd you manage that? I just thought, "What would Leslie do?" So I handed out flyers and I canvassed the college.
I even baked a bunch of cookies.
It was weird.
I actually really enjoyed finding them.
And I enjoyed bullying Jen into quitting.
You should add telling people what to do to your perfect job description.
Good idea.
You should up your therapy to seven times a week, stop dressing that way and give me your wallet.
Victor Garber, James Garner, Jennifer Garner.
I go alphabetical now.
Hey! You're back.
How was the trip? It was okay.
Kind of weird.
Weird couple of days for me, too.
Closed a bunch of deals, did a bunch of crunches Yeah.
I broke up with Conrad.
Which was a long time coming but it's still weird.
Do you want to talk about it? Thanks.
I don't think I'm ready to discuss it just yet.
But what I would like to do is have a glass of wine and talk about that shade Nicki Minaj threw at Jesse Eisenberg at the BAFTAs.
He deserved it.
No, he didn't! Uh Settle in.
Because I have some very strong feelings about this.
They're all down.
Thank God.
Sometimes I think they're somehow the first humans who don't need sleep.
This Gryzzl thing, it's complicated, but this isn't Ice Town.
You have done so much for this town, and people know that.
I'm just sorry we couldn't find something illegal on Gryzzl.
If we're gonna stop them, and you're gonna beat them on the Newport land, we need more ammo.
We need to talk.
What is that? This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.
I thought you didn't like to pass judgment on The package was addressed to my son.
Who is four years old and does not own a Gryzzl doodad.
Somehow the robots looked at Diane's computer and learned something about my child and then brought him a box of presents.
So I destroyed the robot.
No one is safe from these bastards.
Tell me what to do, Leslie.
I wanna help you take 'em down.