Party of Five s05e23 Episode Script
I'll Show You Mine
1 Hey.
hey.
what, should I knock first? no, I'm--I'm sorry, Josh.
I'm just working here.
essay for the writing seminar, ok? mine's done.
so good, so I hate you.
it stinks, but it's done.
you need a third eye? I'm a good critic.
no, thank you.
I don't like criticism this early on.
whose nuts are those? oh, well, they're Perry's.
Perry's? Perry marks? oh, so she's become what, your personal writing coach? no, she just took interest in my writing, that's all, so-- that's ok.
and, actually, if I may be so bold, I'd much rather take you to dinner than read your essay anyway.
I do have this right, right? I mean, you and that ned guy are over.
right.
Yeah, r-right.
but that--that's kinda why I've been in this monkish hibernation mode.
well, that's ok.
it's nothing personal, I just-- people--i don't feel like being aroundPeople.
oh, hey, there's Perry.
hey.
Hey.
I am so glad to see you.
I rewrote the opening like you told me, and it's so much better.
would you read it again? again? I have my own deadline, you know.
I do write for a living.
hi, Josh.
Ms.
marks.
Well, maybe I can do something for you in exchange, you know, grade papers or do your laundry.
Are you kidding? you're kidding me.
this is it.
this is my room.
pretty cool, huh? where are your roommates? oh, they both have girlfriends, so they hardly ever sleep here.
wow, was that concert hall hot, or what? aren't you hot? oh, I wanna see your snake.
you were gonna show me your snake.
right.
Noah.
Noah the boa.
he's right here.
mom's way of making up for my allergies.
Noah, this is Claudia.
did you know that rattlesnakes can have sex for, like, 24 hours straight? they have 2 penises called hemipenises-- oh, no! Um what? I forgot to call Bailey.
you know what? I'll just-- I'll use the phone in the kitchen.
wait.
You can just use this one.
I'm gonna get some water.
Bailey.
Bailey, uh, yeah.
what do you mean I have to come home right now? you said that I could stay out late tonight.
but you--you actually want me to come home right now? we're just gonna have to talk about this when I come home now.
that, uh that was Bailey.
I have to go.
right this minute? yeah.
He was--he was very specific, but I'll see you tomorrow, ok? ok.
oh.
Here you go.
thanks.
Everybody wants to live like they wanna live and everybody wants to love like they wanna love and everybody wants to be closer to free closer to free That's good, claud.
that's really great.
thank you very much for your consideration.
it's midnight.
no, now it's 12:20.
it's funny how time passes when you're waiting for people in this house.
and I have to be at the fish market in, let's see, 5 hours.
I told you I was going to that concert in the mission.
yeah, and the box office said it got out at 9:00.
I was worried, ok? well, you wouldn't have worried if you'd just gone to sleep.
I wouldn't have been up if I hadn't been worried.
Charlie doesn't wait up for me.
he trusts me to come home when I want to.
well, I'm not Charlie, ok? and if you say that you're coming home at 9:00 and you don't get home till 12:00, then how am I supposed to trust you? you have to hold up your end of the bargain.
there is no bargain.
you know, you just need to mind your own business.
this is my business.
you are my business, ok? and it is not right with our--with our past to make each other worry at night.
don't throw mom and dad into this.
ok, you know what? I'll make this easier for you.
you're grounded, ok? until I say you're not, ok? Hey.
hi.
if you don't change out of those pajamas, I'm not gonna make it to work today.
you're up early.
I didn't even hear you leave.
I know.
I popped outta bed at, like, 5:00 this morning with this feeling I haven't had sinceI don't know spring little league.
I mean, I was strutting down market street, smiling at people, waiting happily in the longest line ever to get your favorite vanilla whatever that is.
ooh, thank you.
andthese.
oh.
Oh, I love yellow roses.
and look what else.
2 bedrooms in lower haight for 900 bucks.
900 bucks.
wow, that's amazing.
I know.
and it's the owner who's renting, so it's gonna go in, like, a second.
Charlie, if--if this apartment has leaky pipes or--or olive green wallpaper, or if it's not right for Diana, please, please, please don't think you have to take it.
thank you, Kirsten, but I asked if we could crash here for one night, and it's been 7.
how many times do I have to tell you that I don't mind? hello? yes, yes.
I'm calling about the apartment.
ok, Sarah, here's the guest list.
Patrick outterman, the food critic from the tribune, the head of the tourist commission.
tourist commission? yeah.
he puts us in the visitor's guide, and we get all this out-of-town business.
so you think if you wine and dine these guys-- think? I know, I know.
you invite them over to your home, and they think they're your friends, and they wanna help you out.
harvest did this last year, and--what's all this? oh, careful.
it's the proof for my banner-- students against sweatshops campaign.
students against yeah.
I told you about it.
I'm on the committee.
you know what, Sarah? this isNot good.
no, it's terrible.
I mean, these schools are getting t-shirts-- no, no.
I mean it's not good that you do this and that I don't even know about it.
well, I'm sure there's stuff that you do that I don't know about, you know, like restaurant stuff.
it's ok.
is it, though? 'cause I don't know.
I feel likeWe're not crossing paths enough.
I mean, we live together, and sometimes I still feel like I miss you.
well, you're welcome to come to one of our meetings.
really? well, I would love to do that, I would.
and you could--you--hey! what if you did this dinner with me? hosted it with me? host it? yeah.
I don't think I'd know what to do.
oh, come on.
there's nothing to it.
you did Claudia's birthday party.
Bailey, that was, like, kids, nachos, music.
all you would have to do is-- is be bright and charming and make people feel good.
come on, who are we kidding? it's you we're talking about here.
Bailey.
really.
and then afterwards-- afterwards, when it's all over, we'll kick our feet up, and I will feed you what's left of the oysters and the caviar and the chocolate poached pears with real whipped cream and we'll make a night of it.
that part sounds good.
Julia.
hi.
Uh, sorry.
I just-- I brought you these Mexican wedding cookies from a bakery in palo alto just to thank you for all your help.
thanks.
uhcome in, only I've gotta be at the Dean's in 5 minutes.
he's having some dusty literati gathering.
I can already taste the cucumber sandwiches.
wow.
That--that sounds glamorous.
well, have a good time.
and, by the way, thank you for that story you gave me.
oh.
Oh, yeah.
what do you think? it was good.
good? uh, wait a second.
what do you mean, good? really good.
The ending was-- especially the ending.
meaning except for the ending, the rest was not good.
god, no, no.
no, come on.
I want your opinion.
where does the story not work? my opinion? Perry, I'm the student.
you're the published-- don't you have to go? the Dean can wait.
ok, well, if you're asking, I thought the main character, Sylvia, was a--a bit of a--a snooze.
interesting word.
well, no, just that she lacked a certain-- she wasn't proactive.
that--that was it.
you know what? i--forget it.
I do have to be at the Dean's.
come on.
you're coming with me.
to the literati? yeah.
you can tell me how to make her not so snoozey, if you're so damned smart.
all right, I talked to Princeton, and they said that the sit-in really made the difference.
so if we get the artwork for the fliers by next year-- my printer broke down.
stop it, you two.
power of example, always.
now, Bob, when can you get us the artwork? You know what? if it's on disk, he can just use my printer.
but you're busy with the banners.
I know.
But I can do it if he comes by.
so we get the fliers out by tomorrow, rally the troops up by Saturday night? wait a second.
I thought we said Sunday.
but the campus is deserted on Sunday.
if we're gonna protest, it would help if somebody were around to see it.
yeah, I know, but i--i can't be there if it's on Saturday.
you can't.
Why not? well, because I promised my boyfriend that I would do this thing with him.
what thing? a dinner party.
it's really important to him.
what, what? why are you all looking at me like that? they're your priorities.
yeah, I know, but I promised him.
you know what? I'm still the head of the artwork committee, ok? so I will still do the banner.
ok, fine.
l&k apparel has to be written in black with a big red line through it.
l&k apparel.
great.
naturally, this is very flattering, but-- Kirsten, your dissertation was one of the studies laying the groundwork for this kind of project.
we used your salivary cortisol study.
you did? of course.
that was excellent work.
god! This is this isI--i don't know what to say.
full funding, research facilities, 2 years of room and board.
what about--i mean, we both know about the plagiarism.
i--i--i don't understand how I was approved.
we were convinced by your statement.
I wouldn't be here making this offer otherwise.
the university of Chicago, though.
near your family.
I know, I know.
but what? but what? I appreciate the offer, I do.
but I'm--I'm not in the position to take it at this time.
look, um I'm gonna leave this material with you.
don't decide until you read it, ok? You remember the routine, Charlie? very, very still.
yeah, I remember.
(Diana crying) you know what she likes? she likes that song um, how's it go? the wheels on the bus go round and round round and round round and round the wheels on the bus go round and round early in the morning the wheels on the bus go round and round round and round ok, Charlie, don't move your lips.
It's just this living together thing.
what's wrong with it? 2 weeks ago she told me how psyched she was to have her own place and be on her own.
I don't get it.
I would think you'd wanna be there.
look.
The single biggest mistake in my life was losing her.
and then I spend 2 years trying not to think of us together, and all of a sudden I get her back.
I mean, do you realize how lucky I feel? I feel like I won the lotto.
so I just--i just wanna take it really slow, be really careful, just like any couple starting out.
and living together, it's just--it's too fast.
it's just way too risky.
do you love her? of course I do.
is she having any doubts? no.
well, then, how can it be too risky, jumping into a relationship that you both want? Ok, we're done.
done? I just wanna do one more thing.
we've put in 10 hours.
no, wait.
but, look.
I--i don't have another inch.
I'm shrinking.
just this one passage.
I am restraining myself from doing bodily injury to you, Julia.
that is a sign to stop.
(giggles) what's that throbbing? hey, let's go across the street and have a drink at that party.
no way.
That frat house has a urine trough in the basement.
oh, come on.
I never got to do this in school.
I was always on book tours or lecturing.
poor you.
I really feel for the trauma of your book deals.
oh, and you'd rather sit there and obsess about a story than you're having about as much of a college life as I did, aren't you? 'cause I don't wanna go to an 8-keg frat party? I guess so.
oh, come on, Julia.
don't be an idiot.
here you are in fully equipped buildings.
no light bulbs to buy, no bills to pay, fully furnished.
ok, so there's this hideous golden polyurethane oak, but, still, for 4 years, you're 5 feet away from libraries, concerts, parties.
you don't understand the opportunity you have, do you? look, I took you to one of my parties, now I want you to take me to one of yours.
come on.
I showed you mine, so you have to show me yours.
ah, it's just a pretty regular bedroom, you know, a desk and closet.
pretty nice bed.
so, when did you say your brothers were getting home? umowen's here now, and Bailey's closing the restaurant.
so, then, um we can be alone.
(doorbell ringing) how strange.
I wonder who that is? you're just in time.
Amanda, what are you doing here? you said to come by.
I did? Oh, ok.
um, like, hello.
Hi.
what are you-- you guys--um, Amanda I said to bring a couple of people.
you said to bring people, Claudia.
you didn't actually say how many.
Cody? this is kind of a bummer, you know? I'm not really in the mood for a little high school party, so you're not--you're not gonna leave, are you? I really just wanted to be alone with you tonight.
Cody you guys, could you just-- could you watch The fish, see, they're in the beer, and once you swallow them, and the challenge is to spew 'em back up before they're dead.
I'm not drinking fish.
did, uh, did it hurt? huh? when you fell from heaven? get off my wrist.
my name's mutant.
what's yours? get off my wrist.
just tell me your name first.
I said get off me! let go, man.
let go of her! why? I like her.
are you ok? no, that hurts.
where did he hurt you? are you ok? did he hurt your wrist? what a pig.
what a drunken, drooling knuckle-dragging piece of primordial slime.
he's almost as disgusting when he's sober if you-- it's not funny, Josh.
none of this is remotely funny.
I know.
I'm sorry.
but thank you for coming to the rescue.
that was really nice.
Perry, can we go? this is exactly why I didn't want to come.
yeah, sure, now that I've had a drink.
so I guess I'll see you in class? can we go get some coffee, just the two of us? yeah.
What the-- who are these Oh, no.
Claudia? Claudia? Claudia? Oh, god, don't be sick.
don't be sick.
calm.
Calm stomach.
let her go.
She's 16.
she's 16.
Claudia? Bailey? thank god.
what is this? What, is this your way of punishing me back, having the party come to you? it's not my fault, Bailey.
what are these, Cody's friends? no, he left.
he had nothing to do with this.
so then you invited these people over? I invited a few of them.
it's for a good reason, I swear it, Bailey.
there are 50 drunk teenagers trashing all the stuff for my party, so tell me, Claudia, tell me, please.
I can't.
Congratulations.
I, uh, I know I shouldn't have read it, but you left it wide open, and I couldn't help it.
left what? the offer.
I read the offer.
it's your dissertation, isn't it? yeah.
yeah.
But, uh, I turned it down.
you turned it down? yeah, of course.
please don't tell me tell you what? it's not because it's Chicago, right? it's not because of me, I hope.
why? What would be wrong with that? because we can commute.
I mean, we can fly back and forth and--and I have next summer off.
wait a minute.
just a second.
3 weeks ago, when we were friends, you said not to go to Africa.
Africa is 9,000 miles away, Kirsten.
Chicago is 3 hours, and this is the best thing that's happened to you since-- who are you to decide that? well, correct me if I'm wrong, but in the not too distant past, you had worked 4 years undergrad and 3 years into a ph.
D.
For this, and I'm the reason that that went to waste, and I'm not gonna make that mistake again.
what mistake? Wh-what mistake did you make? if I hadn't have let my stupid, stupid fear get in the way on our wedding day, you would have never gotten depressed, and you would have finished your degree.
is that what you think of that? do you blame yourself? of course I do.
it's my fault, Kirsten.
and you giving up something great like this is exactly what I don't want to have happen.
it's--it's too much to ask, and I'm not gonna let you do it.
I won't let you give this up for me.
What I want to know is why I'm, like, this walking target for drooling jerks.
I mean, he could have grabbed you, and he didn't, and you know why? because you, like, exude "don't mess with me.
" oh, give me a break.
no, you do.
you're so self-sufficient, even in your work.
I, on the other hand, have a sign on my back that says, "come torture me.
make my life miserable.
" oh, don't be so insulting.
I am tortured, too.
are not.
You're like this together, competent literary monolith.
I am plenty tortured.
the reason I don't seem tortured is because I have no life outside of the convent.
I'm a literary nun.
I work, work, work so I don't have to contend with the physiological reality of not having been laid in a year.
ouch.
so I don't have to deal with the issues of love and rejection, rebound, except when it comes to my own work being published.
can I see these? you have, like, the best jewelry.
what stone is this? citrine.
hmm.
and this one? tanzanite.
I guess I should get these printed up.
(Knock knock) hey.
hey.
um, listen, I'm late for a jam session at Keith's, so I just wanted to talk to you about last night.
why I invited those people over.
(zipping case) I don't know if I'm ready to be alone in bedrooms with you.
what do you mean? ok.
It's like this novel I read, right-- on the highway, a romantic fright tale.
it's about this girl on Cape Cod who dates this guy, and he goes nuts.
he locks her in his trunk, and he drives her around in the countryside for, like, 2 weeks.
but she's really smart, you know, 'cause she writes, like, "help" in the rest room, you know, mirrors, and-- andoh, what's my point? what, are you afraid I'm gonna attack you or something? rip your clothes off and force you to do stuff? not exactly.
it's just we've never done this stuff before.
is that what you think about me? 'cause that that hurts my feelings, Claudia.
So I told my wife she was a no-roll, and I'd have to make a chart with her tip weight.
um I don't-- I don't get it.
uhmeat packers have these yield codes for sirloin, and they're based on the fat marbling.
so he's saying that his wife has maybe gained a little weight.
huh.
well, um you know what, I should probably just go check on the hors d'oeuvres.
waitress.
could you, please? just a splash.
Sarah.
hey, um, bauman's got this joke he wants everybody to hear.
will you come back in? Bailey, do I have to? I don't get any of his jokes, and I don't know anything about meat packaging and stock trends and zoning permits.
Sarah, you are doing so great.
everybody in there loves you, ok? So so come back in.
will you? come on.
(sigh) Laundry sucks, huh? I was going through and checking the pockets.
and you know your jeans, thosekhaki jeans? yeah? you left this in the pocket, Charlie, this receipt from the hospital from tests this week.
what tests? why didn't you tell me that you were taking tests? see, this is what I'm talking about.
this is exactly what I didn't want to have happen.
what? 'Cause you didn't want me to see this, right? why, Charlie? are you sick again? I mean, why--why are you holding out on me? they are standard tests that I have to do twice a year for the next 6 years.
so you're not sick? I feel fine.
I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I'm sure I'm fine.
wellwell, are you-- aren't you even a little bit scared, though? a little it, yeah, but that doesn't mean you should be, too.
but that's not your decision to make.
maybe I want to be scared with you.
it's my choice.
if I want-- listen.
I'm just trying to protect you, Kirsten.
well, I don't wanna be protected.
I just wanna be allowed to love you.
and if that means being scared with you or being sick with you or--or turning down that job for you I thought we agreed-- no.
you cannot dictate how much or how little I can love you, or otherwise we might as well just end it right here, ok? ok.
(sigh) (crying) ok.
hey.
listen I hear what you're saying.
so, um will you please come to the hospital with me tomorrow? yeah.
What you do is you wall off social security, insulate us from the democrats.
I'm sorry.
I need to borrow her for 2 seconds, ok? I know.
hey, this guy over here says he's gonna make us hats for salinger's with the logo on them.
and since you're the one with the taste, you pick out the color.
Mr.
Briggs, this is Sarah.
Sarah, Mr.
Briggs.
pleasure to meet you.
Mr.
Briggs makes those, uh those sneakers that Claudia has.
you know, the ones with the really thick shoelaces? the onesThat I made her take back? umno.
no.
That must have been a different pair.
no.
TheThe pink ones.
the l&Ks.
we thought we'd make some caps for salinger's.
well, we don't want caps from l&Ks.
Sarah? Bailey, this company, they exploit factory workers.
Sarah-- no.
for every cap that costs 20 bucks, 8 cents goes to the worker.
do you know that they have 6-year-olds and elderly people working overtime? all so that they can give money to rich Americans who make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
I'm sorry, but I cannot stand here and smile and laugh and pretend that that's ok.
So, here's the deal about my story.
I felt that, uh, your input was ultimately really helpful.
really? yeah.
I mean, it was really brave of you to keep bugging me.
and so, I guess by way of thanks, I spoke to an editor friend of mine, and I told him about your essay.
mine? and I read him a few paragraphs, and he said he's interested.
interested in-- in what? in publishing it? well, maybe.
you know, who knows? this is amazing.
so, umI guess I should mail yours, too.
yes.
God, yes.
I can't believe you did this for me.
well, you know, somebody gave me my first break.
this is so this is so thank you so much.
P-Perry, wait.
you know there are no guarantees, right? it still has to go to the editor above him.
If you didn't want to do this tonight, you should've said no.
I didn't know I was going to have to act all fake.
this was business, Sarah.
this was for business.
yeah, well, I wasn't gonna just stand there and not say anything because we wanted something from him.
but he was our guest.
he didn't come here to get attacked.
I'm not gonna apologize for what I said.
no.
It's not what you said.
it's how you said it and when you said it and the fact that you said it without considering how it affected me at all.
I'm gonna go get that wine stain on the couch.
thanks for sticking around last night.
I was wiping beer off the floor till 3:00.
I'm sorry.
I'll finish up for you.
so, what's the deal, claud? why did you have that party last night? you're gonna think I'm crazy.
I'm scared to be alone with Cody.
why? why? What's that all about? we start to fool around, and I just get all wigged out.
I don't know what he expects from me.
well, have you tried to talk to him about it? I tried to, but I don't know how.
and like some moron, I launch into some stupid story about highway kidnap, comparing myself to the girl in the trunk.
you didn't.
I did.
look Claudia, whatever you're feeling, you should just tell him straight up.
but I'm scared to.
I mean, I tell him to slow down, and he thinks that I don't like him anymore.
doesn't matter.
doesn't matter 'cause you, you're your own person.
you weren't just put on this planet to serve his needs.
don't be afraid to talk to him.
just be up front and clear and just be completely honest at all times.
and how he responds, well, that's his problem.
in Josh's first draft, I felt that his characters lacked a certain clarity of intention.
I didn't know why the characters were so filled with fear.
but in his second draft, he really got into that loss, a very poignant sense of loss.
and after the war, they buried their brothers on foreign soil and then left them behind.
I don't I'm not really helping very much.
Ok.
ok.
So do you understand what I'm saying? I mean, I'm trying to be clear.
i--i think I do.
you're saying that you're just trying to create boundaries as you come to terms with your sexuality in a pluralistic culture with complicated sexual paradigms, is all.
i--i think I understand.
so we'll just-- we'll just talk it all through one step at a time likelike this here.
what if I were to ask you if I could kiss you here? would that be all right? And how about here? Now, how about right here? (Giggles) hi.
was it something I said? no, no, no.
excuse us.
so, Charlie your white count is low.
l.
a.
p.
Levels are low.
what can I say? you're in perfect health.
Thank you so much.
I know I don't seem very happy right now, but I am.
Hey.
hi.
may I may I sit? sure.
I owe you an amends.
big time ninth step.
no.
I'm the one who should be sorry.
no.
you know why? I've been thinking about it all morning.
I was seeing myself in, like, 10, 20 years, all grown up at those kinds of parties, and I saw you there sitting next to me.
and you hadn't changed a bit.
soi was telling off the guests.
no.
you were sticking up for yourself, just like you told Claudia to.
and by the way, thank you.
thank you for that.
she really needs that without my mom here.
I was just saying it as a friend.
Bailey, I'm only 3 years older than her.
it's more than that.
you're gonna make a really great mother someday.
you know that? yeah, in, like, 80 years, maybe.
I can see it already.
Well hope they adopt the code.
well we'll sit here until they do.
together.
right? Hi.
hi.
have we, um, have we been avoiding each other? because well, I've been avoiding you.
I was just leaving.
I just wanna talk about it, Perry.
oh, I know you do.
you always do.
I'm feeling a little confused and-- which is why why I don't want to talk about it.
what do you mean? Julia, why did you kiss me? why did that happen? can you tell me that? I don't know, exactly.
I just is it because you're gay? because you suddenly realized you're gay or something? no.
I'm-- I don't think so, but I 'cause guess what.
I am.
and what we did that means something, Julia.
it does to me, too.
but it's not the same.
look I don't know I don't know what's going on in your head right now, but I do know where you've come from, and I know that you've had some bad times with men, but that's not me.
I'm not gay because I don't like men.
I'm gay because I like women.
and I like you.
Julia-- no, I mean it.
that's what it is.
I like you, Perry.
being around you the last couple weeks, you make me feel so great and so safe, and I don't wanna lose that.
Julia, you kissed me.
whatever that means, whatever you're going through now, I just I'm not letting you get there through me.
(Telephone rings) it's for you.
Hello.
oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I was supposed to call you back.
no, no.
I loved the view.
the view was great.
no, it wasn't the price, either.
the price was fine.
listen, uh, I found another place.
yup.
this morning.
no.
Actually, there, uh, there wasn't a fee.
it was, uh it was through a friend.
well, thank you anyway.
I really appreciate it.
ok.
Bye.
hey.
what, should I knock first? no, I'm--I'm sorry, Josh.
I'm just working here.
essay for the writing seminar, ok? mine's done.
so good, so I hate you.
it stinks, but it's done.
you need a third eye? I'm a good critic.
no, thank you.
I don't like criticism this early on.
whose nuts are those? oh, well, they're Perry's.
Perry's? Perry marks? oh, so she's become what, your personal writing coach? no, she just took interest in my writing, that's all, so-- that's ok.
and, actually, if I may be so bold, I'd much rather take you to dinner than read your essay anyway.
I do have this right, right? I mean, you and that ned guy are over.
right.
Yeah, r-right.
but that--that's kinda why I've been in this monkish hibernation mode.
well, that's ok.
it's nothing personal, I just-- people--i don't feel like being aroundPeople.
oh, hey, there's Perry.
hey.
Hey.
I am so glad to see you.
I rewrote the opening like you told me, and it's so much better.
would you read it again? again? I have my own deadline, you know.
I do write for a living.
hi, Josh.
Ms.
marks.
Well, maybe I can do something for you in exchange, you know, grade papers or do your laundry.
Are you kidding? you're kidding me.
this is it.
this is my room.
pretty cool, huh? where are your roommates? oh, they both have girlfriends, so they hardly ever sleep here.
wow, was that concert hall hot, or what? aren't you hot? oh, I wanna see your snake.
you were gonna show me your snake.
right.
Noah.
Noah the boa.
he's right here.
mom's way of making up for my allergies.
Noah, this is Claudia.
did you know that rattlesnakes can have sex for, like, 24 hours straight? they have 2 penises called hemipenises-- oh, no! Um what? I forgot to call Bailey.
you know what? I'll just-- I'll use the phone in the kitchen.
wait.
You can just use this one.
I'm gonna get some water.
Bailey.
Bailey, uh, yeah.
what do you mean I have to come home right now? you said that I could stay out late tonight.
but you--you actually want me to come home right now? we're just gonna have to talk about this when I come home now.
that, uh that was Bailey.
I have to go.
right this minute? yeah.
He was--he was very specific, but I'll see you tomorrow, ok? ok.
oh.
Here you go.
thanks.
Everybody wants to live like they wanna live and everybody wants to love like they wanna love and everybody wants to be closer to free closer to free That's good, claud.
that's really great.
thank you very much for your consideration.
it's midnight.
no, now it's 12:20.
it's funny how time passes when you're waiting for people in this house.
and I have to be at the fish market in, let's see, 5 hours.
I told you I was going to that concert in the mission.
yeah, and the box office said it got out at 9:00.
I was worried, ok? well, you wouldn't have worried if you'd just gone to sleep.
I wouldn't have been up if I hadn't been worried.
Charlie doesn't wait up for me.
he trusts me to come home when I want to.
well, I'm not Charlie, ok? and if you say that you're coming home at 9:00 and you don't get home till 12:00, then how am I supposed to trust you? you have to hold up your end of the bargain.
there is no bargain.
you know, you just need to mind your own business.
this is my business.
you are my business, ok? and it is not right with our--with our past to make each other worry at night.
don't throw mom and dad into this.
ok, you know what? I'll make this easier for you.
you're grounded, ok? until I say you're not, ok? Hey.
hi.
if you don't change out of those pajamas, I'm not gonna make it to work today.
you're up early.
I didn't even hear you leave.
I know.
I popped outta bed at, like, 5:00 this morning with this feeling I haven't had sinceI don't know spring little league.
I mean, I was strutting down market street, smiling at people, waiting happily in the longest line ever to get your favorite vanilla whatever that is.
ooh, thank you.
andthese.
oh.
Oh, I love yellow roses.
and look what else.
2 bedrooms in lower haight for 900 bucks.
900 bucks.
wow, that's amazing.
I know.
and it's the owner who's renting, so it's gonna go in, like, a second.
Charlie, if--if this apartment has leaky pipes or--or olive green wallpaper, or if it's not right for Diana, please, please, please don't think you have to take it.
thank you, Kirsten, but I asked if we could crash here for one night, and it's been 7.
how many times do I have to tell you that I don't mind? hello? yes, yes.
I'm calling about the apartment.
ok, Sarah, here's the guest list.
Patrick outterman, the food critic from the tribune, the head of the tourist commission.
tourist commission? yeah.
he puts us in the visitor's guide, and we get all this out-of-town business.
so you think if you wine and dine these guys-- think? I know, I know.
you invite them over to your home, and they think they're your friends, and they wanna help you out.
harvest did this last year, and--what's all this? oh, careful.
it's the proof for my banner-- students against sweatshops campaign.
students against yeah.
I told you about it.
I'm on the committee.
you know what, Sarah? this isNot good.
no, it's terrible.
I mean, these schools are getting t-shirts-- no, no.
I mean it's not good that you do this and that I don't even know about it.
well, I'm sure there's stuff that you do that I don't know about, you know, like restaurant stuff.
it's ok.
is it, though? 'cause I don't know.
I feel likeWe're not crossing paths enough.
I mean, we live together, and sometimes I still feel like I miss you.
well, you're welcome to come to one of our meetings.
really? well, I would love to do that, I would.
and you could--you--hey! what if you did this dinner with me? hosted it with me? host it? yeah.
I don't think I'd know what to do.
oh, come on.
there's nothing to it.
you did Claudia's birthday party.
Bailey, that was, like, kids, nachos, music.
all you would have to do is-- is be bright and charming and make people feel good.
come on, who are we kidding? it's you we're talking about here.
Bailey.
really.
and then afterwards-- afterwards, when it's all over, we'll kick our feet up, and I will feed you what's left of the oysters and the caviar and the chocolate poached pears with real whipped cream and we'll make a night of it.
that part sounds good.
Julia.
hi.
Uh, sorry.
I just-- I brought you these Mexican wedding cookies from a bakery in palo alto just to thank you for all your help.
thanks.
uhcome in, only I've gotta be at the Dean's in 5 minutes.
he's having some dusty literati gathering.
I can already taste the cucumber sandwiches.
wow.
That--that sounds glamorous.
well, have a good time.
and, by the way, thank you for that story you gave me.
oh.
Oh, yeah.
what do you think? it was good.
good? uh, wait a second.
what do you mean, good? really good.
The ending was-- especially the ending.
meaning except for the ending, the rest was not good.
god, no, no.
no, come on.
I want your opinion.
where does the story not work? my opinion? Perry, I'm the student.
you're the published-- don't you have to go? the Dean can wait.
ok, well, if you're asking, I thought the main character, Sylvia, was a--a bit of a--a snooze.
interesting word.
well, no, just that she lacked a certain-- she wasn't proactive.
that--that was it.
you know what? i--forget it.
I do have to be at the Dean's.
come on.
you're coming with me.
to the literati? yeah.
you can tell me how to make her not so snoozey, if you're so damned smart.
all right, I talked to Princeton, and they said that the sit-in really made the difference.
so if we get the artwork for the fliers by next year-- my printer broke down.
stop it, you two.
power of example, always.
now, Bob, when can you get us the artwork? You know what? if it's on disk, he can just use my printer.
but you're busy with the banners.
I know.
But I can do it if he comes by.
so we get the fliers out by tomorrow, rally the troops up by Saturday night? wait a second.
I thought we said Sunday.
but the campus is deserted on Sunday.
if we're gonna protest, it would help if somebody were around to see it.
yeah, I know, but i--i can't be there if it's on Saturday.
you can't.
Why not? well, because I promised my boyfriend that I would do this thing with him.
what thing? a dinner party.
it's really important to him.
what, what? why are you all looking at me like that? they're your priorities.
yeah, I know, but I promised him.
you know what? I'm still the head of the artwork committee, ok? so I will still do the banner.
ok, fine.
l&k apparel has to be written in black with a big red line through it.
l&k apparel.
great.
naturally, this is very flattering, but-- Kirsten, your dissertation was one of the studies laying the groundwork for this kind of project.
we used your salivary cortisol study.
you did? of course.
that was excellent work.
god! This is this isI--i don't know what to say.
full funding, research facilities, 2 years of room and board.
what about--i mean, we both know about the plagiarism.
i--i--i don't understand how I was approved.
we were convinced by your statement.
I wouldn't be here making this offer otherwise.
the university of Chicago, though.
near your family.
I know, I know.
but what? but what? I appreciate the offer, I do.
but I'm--I'm not in the position to take it at this time.
look, um I'm gonna leave this material with you.
don't decide until you read it, ok? You remember the routine, Charlie? very, very still.
yeah, I remember.
(Diana crying) you know what she likes? she likes that song um, how's it go? the wheels on the bus go round and round round and round round and round the wheels on the bus go round and round early in the morning the wheels on the bus go round and round round and round ok, Charlie, don't move your lips.
It's just this living together thing.
what's wrong with it? 2 weeks ago she told me how psyched she was to have her own place and be on her own.
I don't get it.
I would think you'd wanna be there.
look.
The single biggest mistake in my life was losing her.
and then I spend 2 years trying not to think of us together, and all of a sudden I get her back.
I mean, do you realize how lucky I feel? I feel like I won the lotto.
so I just--i just wanna take it really slow, be really careful, just like any couple starting out.
and living together, it's just--it's too fast.
it's just way too risky.
do you love her? of course I do.
is she having any doubts? no.
well, then, how can it be too risky, jumping into a relationship that you both want? Ok, we're done.
done? I just wanna do one more thing.
we've put in 10 hours.
no, wait.
but, look.
I--i don't have another inch.
I'm shrinking.
just this one passage.
I am restraining myself from doing bodily injury to you, Julia.
that is a sign to stop.
(giggles) what's that throbbing? hey, let's go across the street and have a drink at that party.
no way.
That frat house has a urine trough in the basement.
oh, come on.
I never got to do this in school.
I was always on book tours or lecturing.
poor you.
I really feel for the trauma of your book deals.
oh, and you'd rather sit there and obsess about a story than you're having about as much of a college life as I did, aren't you? 'cause I don't wanna go to an 8-keg frat party? I guess so.
oh, come on, Julia.
don't be an idiot.
here you are in fully equipped buildings.
no light bulbs to buy, no bills to pay, fully furnished.
ok, so there's this hideous golden polyurethane oak, but, still, for 4 years, you're 5 feet away from libraries, concerts, parties.
you don't understand the opportunity you have, do you? look, I took you to one of my parties, now I want you to take me to one of yours.
come on.
I showed you mine, so you have to show me yours.
ah, it's just a pretty regular bedroom, you know, a desk and closet.
pretty nice bed.
so, when did you say your brothers were getting home? umowen's here now, and Bailey's closing the restaurant.
so, then, um we can be alone.
(doorbell ringing) how strange.
I wonder who that is? you're just in time.
Amanda, what are you doing here? you said to come by.
I did? Oh, ok.
um, like, hello.
Hi.
what are you-- you guys--um, Amanda I said to bring a couple of people.
you said to bring people, Claudia.
you didn't actually say how many.
Cody? this is kind of a bummer, you know? I'm not really in the mood for a little high school party, so you're not--you're not gonna leave, are you? I really just wanted to be alone with you tonight.
Cody you guys, could you just-- could you watch The fish, see, they're in the beer, and once you swallow them, and the challenge is to spew 'em back up before they're dead.
I'm not drinking fish.
did, uh, did it hurt? huh? when you fell from heaven? get off my wrist.
my name's mutant.
what's yours? get off my wrist.
just tell me your name first.
I said get off me! let go, man.
let go of her! why? I like her.
are you ok? no, that hurts.
where did he hurt you? are you ok? did he hurt your wrist? what a pig.
what a drunken, drooling knuckle-dragging piece of primordial slime.
he's almost as disgusting when he's sober if you-- it's not funny, Josh.
none of this is remotely funny.
I know.
I'm sorry.
but thank you for coming to the rescue.
that was really nice.
Perry, can we go? this is exactly why I didn't want to come.
yeah, sure, now that I've had a drink.
so I guess I'll see you in class? can we go get some coffee, just the two of us? yeah.
What the-- who are these Oh, no.
Claudia? Claudia? Claudia? Oh, god, don't be sick.
don't be sick.
calm.
Calm stomach.
let her go.
She's 16.
she's 16.
Claudia? Bailey? thank god.
what is this? What, is this your way of punishing me back, having the party come to you? it's not my fault, Bailey.
what are these, Cody's friends? no, he left.
he had nothing to do with this.
so then you invited these people over? I invited a few of them.
it's for a good reason, I swear it, Bailey.
there are 50 drunk teenagers trashing all the stuff for my party, so tell me, Claudia, tell me, please.
I can't.
Congratulations.
I, uh, I know I shouldn't have read it, but you left it wide open, and I couldn't help it.
left what? the offer.
I read the offer.
it's your dissertation, isn't it? yeah.
yeah.
But, uh, I turned it down.
you turned it down? yeah, of course.
please don't tell me tell you what? it's not because it's Chicago, right? it's not because of me, I hope.
why? What would be wrong with that? because we can commute.
I mean, we can fly back and forth and--and I have next summer off.
wait a minute.
just a second.
3 weeks ago, when we were friends, you said not to go to Africa.
Africa is 9,000 miles away, Kirsten.
Chicago is 3 hours, and this is the best thing that's happened to you since-- who are you to decide that? well, correct me if I'm wrong, but in the not too distant past, you had worked 4 years undergrad and 3 years into a ph.
D.
For this, and I'm the reason that that went to waste, and I'm not gonna make that mistake again.
what mistake? Wh-what mistake did you make? if I hadn't have let my stupid, stupid fear get in the way on our wedding day, you would have never gotten depressed, and you would have finished your degree.
is that what you think of that? do you blame yourself? of course I do.
it's my fault, Kirsten.
and you giving up something great like this is exactly what I don't want to have happen.
it's--it's too much to ask, and I'm not gonna let you do it.
I won't let you give this up for me.
What I want to know is why I'm, like, this walking target for drooling jerks.
I mean, he could have grabbed you, and he didn't, and you know why? because you, like, exude "don't mess with me.
" oh, give me a break.
no, you do.
you're so self-sufficient, even in your work.
I, on the other hand, have a sign on my back that says, "come torture me.
make my life miserable.
" oh, don't be so insulting.
I am tortured, too.
are not.
You're like this together, competent literary monolith.
I am plenty tortured.
the reason I don't seem tortured is because I have no life outside of the convent.
I'm a literary nun.
I work, work, work so I don't have to contend with the physiological reality of not having been laid in a year.
ouch.
so I don't have to deal with the issues of love and rejection, rebound, except when it comes to my own work being published.
can I see these? you have, like, the best jewelry.
what stone is this? citrine.
hmm.
and this one? tanzanite.
I guess I should get these printed up.
(Knock knock) hey.
hey.
um, listen, I'm late for a jam session at Keith's, so I just wanted to talk to you about last night.
why I invited those people over.
(zipping case) I don't know if I'm ready to be alone in bedrooms with you.
what do you mean? ok.
It's like this novel I read, right-- on the highway, a romantic fright tale.
it's about this girl on Cape Cod who dates this guy, and he goes nuts.
he locks her in his trunk, and he drives her around in the countryside for, like, 2 weeks.
but she's really smart, you know, 'cause she writes, like, "help" in the rest room, you know, mirrors, and-- andoh, what's my point? what, are you afraid I'm gonna attack you or something? rip your clothes off and force you to do stuff? not exactly.
it's just we've never done this stuff before.
is that what you think about me? 'cause that that hurts my feelings, Claudia.
So I told my wife she was a no-roll, and I'd have to make a chart with her tip weight.
um I don't-- I don't get it.
uhmeat packers have these yield codes for sirloin, and they're based on the fat marbling.
so he's saying that his wife has maybe gained a little weight.
huh.
well, um you know what, I should probably just go check on the hors d'oeuvres.
waitress.
could you, please? just a splash.
Sarah.
hey, um, bauman's got this joke he wants everybody to hear.
will you come back in? Bailey, do I have to? I don't get any of his jokes, and I don't know anything about meat packaging and stock trends and zoning permits.
Sarah, you are doing so great.
everybody in there loves you, ok? So so come back in.
will you? come on.
(sigh) Laundry sucks, huh? I was going through and checking the pockets.
and you know your jeans, thosekhaki jeans? yeah? you left this in the pocket, Charlie, this receipt from the hospital from tests this week.
what tests? why didn't you tell me that you were taking tests? see, this is what I'm talking about.
this is exactly what I didn't want to have happen.
what? 'Cause you didn't want me to see this, right? why, Charlie? are you sick again? I mean, why--why are you holding out on me? they are standard tests that I have to do twice a year for the next 6 years.
so you're not sick? I feel fine.
I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I'm sure I'm fine.
wellwell, are you-- aren't you even a little bit scared, though? a little it, yeah, but that doesn't mean you should be, too.
but that's not your decision to make.
maybe I want to be scared with you.
it's my choice.
if I want-- listen.
I'm just trying to protect you, Kirsten.
well, I don't wanna be protected.
I just wanna be allowed to love you.
and if that means being scared with you or being sick with you or--or turning down that job for you I thought we agreed-- no.
you cannot dictate how much or how little I can love you, or otherwise we might as well just end it right here, ok? ok.
(sigh) (crying) ok.
hey.
listen I hear what you're saying.
so, um will you please come to the hospital with me tomorrow? yeah.
What you do is you wall off social security, insulate us from the democrats.
I'm sorry.
I need to borrow her for 2 seconds, ok? I know.
hey, this guy over here says he's gonna make us hats for salinger's with the logo on them.
and since you're the one with the taste, you pick out the color.
Mr.
Briggs, this is Sarah.
Sarah, Mr.
Briggs.
pleasure to meet you.
Mr.
Briggs makes those, uh those sneakers that Claudia has.
you know, the ones with the really thick shoelaces? the onesThat I made her take back? umno.
no.
That must have been a different pair.
no.
TheThe pink ones.
the l&Ks.
we thought we'd make some caps for salinger's.
well, we don't want caps from l&Ks.
Sarah? Bailey, this company, they exploit factory workers.
Sarah-- no.
for every cap that costs 20 bucks, 8 cents goes to the worker.
do you know that they have 6-year-olds and elderly people working overtime? all so that they can give money to rich Americans who make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
I'm sorry, but I cannot stand here and smile and laugh and pretend that that's ok.
So, here's the deal about my story.
I felt that, uh, your input was ultimately really helpful.
really? yeah.
I mean, it was really brave of you to keep bugging me.
and so, I guess by way of thanks, I spoke to an editor friend of mine, and I told him about your essay.
mine? and I read him a few paragraphs, and he said he's interested.
interested in-- in what? in publishing it? well, maybe.
you know, who knows? this is amazing.
so, umI guess I should mail yours, too.
yes.
God, yes.
I can't believe you did this for me.
well, you know, somebody gave me my first break.
this is so this is so thank you so much.
P-Perry, wait.
you know there are no guarantees, right? it still has to go to the editor above him.
If you didn't want to do this tonight, you should've said no.
I didn't know I was going to have to act all fake.
this was business, Sarah.
this was for business.
yeah, well, I wasn't gonna just stand there and not say anything because we wanted something from him.
but he was our guest.
he didn't come here to get attacked.
I'm not gonna apologize for what I said.
no.
It's not what you said.
it's how you said it and when you said it and the fact that you said it without considering how it affected me at all.
I'm gonna go get that wine stain on the couch.
thanks for sticking around last night.
I was wiping beer off the floor till 3:00.
I'm sorry.
I'll finish up for you.
so, what's the deal, claud? why did you have that party last night? you're gonna think I'm crazy.
I'm scared to be alone with Cody.
why? why? What's that all about? we start to fool around, and I just get all wigged out.
I don't know what he expects from me.
well, have you tried to talk to him about it? I tried to, but I don't know how.
and like some moron, I launch into some stupid story about highway kidnap, comparing myself to the girl in the trunk.
you didn't.
I did.
look Claudia, whatever you're feeling, you should just tell him straight up.
but I'm scared to.
I mean, I tell him to slow down, and he thinks that I don't like him anymore.
doesn't matter.
doesn't matter 'cause you, you're your own person.
you weren't just put on this planet to serve his needs.
don't be afraid to talk to him.
just be up front and clear and just be completely honest at all times.
and how he responds, well, that's his problem.
in Josh's first draft, I felt that his characters lacked a certain clarity of intention.
I didn't know why the characters were so filled with fear.
but in his second draft, he really got into that loss, a very poignant sense of loss.
and after the war, they buried their brothers on foreign soil and then left them behind.
I don't I'm not really helping very much.
Ok.
ok.
So do you understand what I'm saying? I mean, I'm trying to be clear.
i--i think I do.
you're saying that you're just trying to create boundaries as you come to terms with your sexuality in a pluralistic culture with complicated sexual paradigms, is all.
i--i think I understand.
so we'll just-- we'll just talk it all through one step at a time likelike this here.
what if I were to ask you if I could kiss you here? would that be all right? And how about here? Now, how about right here? (Giggles) hi.
was it something I said? no, no, no.
excuse us.
so, Charlie your white count is low.
l.
a.
p.
Levels are low.
what can I say? you're in perfect health.
Thank you so much.
I know I don't seem very happy right now, but I am.
Hey.
hi.
may I may I sit? sure.
I owe you an amends.
big time ninth step.
no.
I'm the one who should be sorry.
no.
you know why? I've been thinking about it all morning.
I was seeing myself in, like, 10, 20 years, all grown up at those kinds of parties, and I saw you there sitting next to me.
and you hadn't changed a bit.
soi was telling off the guests.
no.
you were sticking up for yourself, just like you told Claudia to.
and by the way, thank you.
thank you for that.
she really needs that without my mom here.
I was just saying it as a friend.
Bailey, I'm only 3 years older than her.
it's more than that.
you're gonna make a really great mother someday.
you know that? yeah, in, like, 80 years, maybe.
I can see it already.
Well hope they adopt the code.
well we'll sit here until they do.
together.
right? Hi.
hi.
have we, um, have we been avoiding each other? because well, I've been avoiding you.
I was just leaving.
I just wanna talk about it, Perry.
oh, I know you do.
you always do.
I'm feeling a little confused and-- which is why why I don't want to talk about it.
what do you mean? Julia, why did you kiss me? why did that happen? can you tell me that? I don't know, exactly.
I just is it because you're gay? because you suddenly realized you're gay or something? no.
I'm-- I don't think so, but I 'cause guess what.
I am.
and what we did that means something, Julia.
it does to me, too.
but it's not the same.
look I don't know I don't know what's going on in your head right now, but I do know where you've come from, and I know that you've had some bad times with men, but that's not me.
I'm not gay because I don't like men.
I'm gay because I like women.
and I like you.
Julia-- no, I mean it.
that's what it is.
I like you, Perry.
being around you the last couple weeks, you make me feel so great and so safe, and I don't wanna lose that.
Julia, you kissed me.
whatever that means, whatever you're going through now, I just I'm not letting you get there through me.
(Telephone rings) it's for you.
Hello.
oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I was supposed to call you back.
no, no.
I loved the view.
the view was great.
no, it wasn't the price, either.
the price was fine.
listen, uh, I found another place.
yup.
this morning.
no.
Actually, there, uh, there wasn't a fee.
it was, uh it was through a friend.
well, thank you anyway.
I really appreciate it.
ok.
Bye.