Peep Show (2003) s08e04 Episode Script
Big Mad Andy
I'm not sick, but I'm not well And I'm so hot Cos I'm in hell.
Work time.
Have you got your couscous salad for lunch? 'My Tupperware box of tasteless misery sand.
' Yup.
Lovely.
Thanks.
Hey, tell you what, shall we just fucking do a runner? Yeah, let's steal the cutlery as well and stab a policeman with it! Partners in crime.
'Bonnie and Clyde, not the Wests.
' Seriously, Mark, why don't we? Well, because we owe these people money.
They've got to pay staff and there's the utility bills All right, forget it.
Sometimes it's fun to be in the moment.
People who do runners aren't all criminals.
They definitely are.
It's just Gerrard It's made me think about stuff.
You've got to live your life, Mark.
'Uh-oh.
Need to shut this down.
' Living your life isn't just swimming with dolphins and climbing Machu Picchu, though, is it? It's-it's everything.
Just drinking my my delicious tea in this nice local cafe is living my life.
I've been thinking we should go interrailing, for three weeks, maybe, or a month, stay in hostels.
It wouldn't cost much.
What do you think? 'Well I think I hate and fear all facets of that idea.
' Hello.
Why are you up so early? 'So I can stare at your girlfriend.
' Big Mad Andy started painting the kitchen.
Ah, yes.
Big Mad Andy, or Big Mad Very Cheap Indeed Andy, as I like to call him.
So do you need another coffee? Sorry, we need to get to work.
Oh, fine.
Well, I'll walk with you cos I need to go to that direction.
'Mustn't be in love with you.
You're Mark's.
It'd be like a weird sort of incest.
Although, to be fair, even normal incest is pretty fucked up.
' Dobs, interrailing sounds great, but I was half sort of semi-thinking of finally doing an MBA, so Do it when we get back.
We're not emigrating to the moon.
'Although that might be preferable.
Certainly a lot fewer French waiters on the moon.
Aww, hello! My landlord won't allow pets but I wish I had a cat.
I love cats.
Do you? Yeah.
I love that whole, "Screw you all, I'm a cat," vibe.
We always had cats at home.
Georgie, Pickle, Fonzie, Socks, Bobtail.
That's a lot of cats.
We were quite near an A road.
I'd better be off to get the bus.
Laters.
Bye.
Bye.
So are you gonna go interrailing? What do you think? Why can't Dobby just move into the flat so we can have a lovely normal time? Is that too much to ask? Just sitting indoors with some incredibly strong Cheddar? 'She doesn't want your boring Cheddar.
She wants my veiny, intriguing Stilton.
' We do some very nice modern fittings.
Clean lines, minimalist.
Yeah, we do want the bathroom to look very modern, but also very traditional.
Right.
It is quite difficult to marry those very disparate styles.
Well, that's the look that we want.
I understand that.
I'm just not sure that it's a look that actually physically exists in the world.
You're looking for classic meets modern, yeah? Yeah, that's right.
So clawfoot bath with thinline cistern.
Fancy taps but rainforest showerhead.
Exactly.
Can do, sir.
Can do and will do.
Erm Sorry, Hans, this is my customer.
You you can't just take my customer.
Yeah, I can, Mark.
For two reasons.
One, he wants me to Don't you, mate? Yes, please.
'Fuck you, Dr Frankenbath.
' and two, as of this morning, I'm your boss.
Grab us a large latte and a pain aux raisins, would you, Mark? 'Come on, fate, this can't be right.
Don't fist me again, fate.
' Oh, Robert Just heading out, Mark.
Is Super Hans my boss now? Have you just promoted him? Well, it depends how you define "boss".
In the normal way.
Then yes, he is.
'Super Hans has become my boss.
This is insane.
Shaun Ryder responsible for setting the LIBOR rate.
' You on lunch? Couscous salad.
Dobby makes a big batch at the start of the week.
She puts little notes in it too.
"Grains for your brains," that sort of thing.
"Be-cous I heart you!" That's today's.
Hmm.
Salad's fucking grim, though.
I close my eyes, shovel it in as fast I can, open them and there's still the same amount.
Listen, Mark, I'm sorry about earlier, but I am gonna have to be on your case pretty much permanently from now on, belittling you, if needs be.
No hard feelings, though, yeah? In a way, I'm pleased.
It's made me finally decide to do something.
Still plenty to live for, Mark.
You've got a kid.
Not suicide! I'm not suicidal.
No? No.
I'm finally gonna do an MBA at evening class.
Maybe get a business of my own going.
Hmm, that's us both moving up.
Since I've got prospects, I wanna find the perfect partner.
See, I've been lucky enough to have shared relationships with some very creative, volatile, very intense women, but now I really want a normal one.
Meet Mr Eisenhower.
Aah! Isn't it a sweetie? What do you think, Hans? I'm guessing cat.
'Yes, and this cat's gonna help me lure Dobby in like a classic '70s paedo in a Ford Granada.
' He's a rescue cat.
I rescued him.
Well, not actually me, some mental ladies whose children have left home.
Is he a Siamese? I think so.
Right, yeah.
I don't like those.
They're a bit horrible.
'Brilliant.
My woman bait has failed and I now have to look after a cat until it dies.
' I'll make some tea.
'They can live for 25 years! I'll be 60 and doubly incontinent and Dobby still won't have moved in.
Understandably.
Great, and it looks like Big Mad Andy's done no painting at all.
' A cup of char, or would you prefer some 'What's a blokey name for coffee?' hot java? I'm fine with lager.
I like a proper drink when I'm working.
Are-are you sure that's Dulux Heritage? It's just it's all in unmarked tins.
That's how the trade gets 'em.
Right.
And-and-and that's definitely Breakfast Room Green? Look, whatever you asked for, mate, that's what it is, yeah? Sure.
Brilliant.
Many thanks.
'Well, I think I made a pretty forceful point there.
' So have you thought any more about the interrailing plan? 'Hmm.
Make it seem boring - my signature dish.
' I was thinking we should plan the route meticulously - how we're gonna get to each place, timetables, hostel pricing structures.
Really dig down into the detail.
Great, let's do it.
Ace.
'Impressive work, Corrigan.
' 'Shot yourself in the foot and then scored an own goal with it.
' Hi, I'm here about the ballet shoes.
The ballet shoes? 'Is she gonna mention Jesus?' Sorry, have I got the right flat? Sara, yeah? Come for the ballet shoes? Yeah.
Just a minute.
I've worked out how to meet the perfect woman, Mark.
Advertise on Freecycle.
Sort out the right combination of free stuff and you can engineer who comes round.
So if they want ballet shoes? They'll have a conventional nature but with an adventurous love of the arts - perfect.
Plus, limber, if you receive me.
Where did you get ballet shoes? From a dancewear boutique.
Cost me a fair bit, but it's an investment.
And why are you using my flat exactly? My place has got a bit of a men's hostel vibe.
It's-it's a bit rank, a little bit semen-y.
Hello again.
So As new.
My sister bought 'em and then just went right off ballet.
Got into bowling.
Different shoes.
And this is the Squarepusher CD.
Oh, can I just take the shoes? The advert did say they go together, the shoes, the CD, and this speed goes with it.
It's a package.
Right.
I don't want the CD or the speed, thanks.
Then I can't give you the shoes, love.
Sorry.
Bye.
She obviously wasn't right, Mark.
Might have to finesse the formula.
Don't wanna buy some ballet shoes, do you, mate? How much? Antwerp, city of beer, diamonds, chocolate and probably Hercule Poirot.
Let us walk its streets.
Where will the small, yellow, asexual figurine lead us? Oooh, look, it's, er How do you pronounce that? Sook-eroo? Sweek-a-rooee? A lovely street.
Let's look around.
We can go anywhere.
'This will slake her thirst for adventure.
' Ah, it's the, er, Restaurant Maritime, which I imagine might well be a fish restaurant.
What else? Six bars, a pizzeria, and a large pharmacy.
The dream! We will do this for real, right? We will go interrailing? 'Oh, she's insatiable! I don't wanna sleep with strangers in hostels and never have a proper relaxed poo.
' Yeah? Sure.
I ju-just need to square things with Robert and Hans.
You know I'm doing a late-night stock-take tonight? No worries.
I'll hang out with Jez, watch Animal Planet and get all drugged up on reefers.
Fine.
I am aware that that's not the real slang, by the way.
I know you are, Daddy-O.
It's always the same.
I'm off, Jez.
OK.
Hold that thought.
Back in a sec.
Why isn't Andy painting? Andy's my new life coaching client.
He's got so many issues.
He's a genuine gold-plated maniac.
No, Jez! He's properly mad.
He's Big Mad Andy.
Someone with real medical training needs to see him.
I've got medical training.
I've got a certificate.
I gave you the certificate.
It's utterly meaningless.
In a way, aren't all so-called qualifications meaningless? No.
Andy's the most mental man I've ever met.
He punches people after he's had too many, but really, he wants to get punched.
He hates himself.
Fascinating.
You know where I am tonight.
Your secret learning thing.
Don't tell Dobby.
If she knows I'm starting an MBA, she'll realise I'm not serious about being strapped to a massive rucksack for a month and getting stabbed in Boulogne.
I just have to stress again this is an 18-month part-time MBA course.
'The start of my new life.
Hi there, I'm Mark Corrigan, MA, MBA.
That spells "mamba", which is a kind of sexy snake.
He'll be gone by next week.
Why do the thickos come to these things? I suppose because the thickos have insisted no-one's allowed to say, "You're a thicko," any more.
That's actually quite a clever move by the thickos.
' Sorry, parking nightmare, red route.
Oh.
Apologies.
Rude.
I'm the sort of person who hates latecomers, and look at me.
You are allowed to violently hate me.
Stephanie.
Mark.
'Wow, she's lovely.
A lovely older lady who's into business.
' Is he any good? He looks about 12.
'I can't talk when the teacher's talking! I have never, ever talked when the teacher's talking.
' Jury's out.
Cultural and environmental influences.
Coffee.
I used Mark's nice stuff that he thinks he's got hidden.
Thanks.
How's Andy? Oh, sort of fine.
I'd quite like him to go home now, though.
But he's vulnerable and, you know, a violent drunk, so 'I have to stop being in love with you.
I've got to find your flaws.
You can't be as completely and utterly ideal as you seem.
' Bees are idiots, aren't they? They really are.
I hate bees too.
Stupid bees.
'OK, huge compatibility on the bee issue there, but I bet we're actually incredibly different in loads of other ways.
' What do you think of Venetian Snares? Fine.
He's like a decent low-end Samsung but Aphex Twin's still the iPhone, d'you know what I mean? I do.
You're completely correct.
Nice analogy.
'Shit.
Please don't be perfect.
Please don't be the one.
' Jez! Better get back to my patient.
Jez! Here we go, back to the maniac grindstone.
Jez! You all right, mate? Jez am I mad? 'As a bottle of twats.
' No.
Not at all.
No.
You've just got some challenging behaviour and issues around punching, and we're working through those.
I wanna stop feeling like this.
'Is this good, collapsing? Positive collapsing?' Is he OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
He's just letting it all out.
Crying's good.
He'll stop in a minute and feel a lot better.
Do you fancy a Twix? There's two Twixes in the fridge.
I don't like Twixes.
Yes! She's not perfect for me because I fucking adore Twixes.
Only joking.
Who doesn't like Twixes? They're fantastic.
Andy, I know you're working through a lot of stuff right now, but can I just get the Twixes? 'Breakfast blend, special blend.
Ooh, double black diamond extra bold, that sounds interesting.
Breakfast blend it is.
Wonder if I should worry about being quite so attracted to her.
She is lovely.
Maybe that's what I need - a lovely older lady to tell me what to do with my life, a grown-up.
I bet she's terrific at sex.
' Care to join me? Love to.
'"Care to join me?" You are such a proper human being.
' He's not bad, this guy, is he? For a 12-year-old.
'That was rubbish.
She already said that.
Up your game, Corrigan.
' I'm glad I've got round to doing this.
I've been in and out of PR for years.
Good money, but an MBA's the golden ticket, isn't it? The key.
No, the biometric swipe card to success.
'Ha-ha, back on form.
' Do you have any particular business ideas you're thinking about? Well, I-I was thinking about an introduction agency for the discerning single professional.
Business people, like us.
Like it.
Nice idea.
Yes, I was thinking of calling it Amicus or Superium.
What about Simpatico? Oh, that's good, I like that.
You could have two levels - Simpatico Normalo and Simpatico Maximus.
So what made you think about it? Are you single yourself? Yes, I have been for a while.
'OK, interesting.
Where the fuck did that come from?' I'm looking to maybe invest in a small business.
We should talk more.
How about tomorrow? Lunch at the Plough? Terrific.
They do nice pizzas there.
Slightly asymmetrical, which I find indicates quality.
'What am I doing?' 'Is this business? I think this might not be business.
Feels good, though.
' Sorry.
'I'm reinventing myself.
I can be anyone I want.
I can be Bond! No, ridiculous.
Bergerac.
I could be Bergerac!' I see Andy hasn't made any progress.
Not with the decorating, but in terms of his mental health, he's really nailing his demons.
It would just be nice if he was really painting my walls as well.
How was your business thing last night? Fine.
Uneventful.
Normal.
Not normal.
Odd.
Eventful.
Ooh! What's the goss, girlfriend? Well, you-you know my dating agency idea? What, bringing dull workaholics together to spare the rest of humankind? I met a woman who's interested in investing in it.
An older woman.
'Is this?' Do you fancy her? No! Well, maybe a bit.
She is nice.
She's grown-up.
She wears fitted jackets.
She's conservative with a small "c" and sexy with quite a big "S".
OK.
One word of advice here I-I know, I know - don't throw away what I've got with Dobby.
No.
No, Mark.
The advice is, fuck and suck.
Go for it.
I've always thought you needed an older woman to sort you out.
Like a sexy auntie.
I'm not sure she's interested in me in that way.
I bet she is.
Just dive in, man.
Gather ye pearls while the hog walks.
Is that from something? Yes.
No.
I mean, just do it.
Pull your pants down and put it in her.
Thanks for the advice, Jeremy.
That's great advice.
I mean it.
Pants down, stick it in.
Thanks.
Got it.
How about with the Maximus package, if you're busy on a work project, you don't have any free evenings, you can simply freeze your membership? Fantastic idea.
'Wow, you're like a sexy human Duncan Bannatyne.
' Hello, Mark.
Oh, Jeremy.
Hello.
'Why are you here?' I'm Jeremy, Mark's oldest and closest friend.
And I'm Stephanie, I imagine his newest and most distant.
Not at all.
I feel incredibly I'll go and order our food.
'Time to stab my friend in the back.
Like Judas.
Out of all the main Jesus helpers, he was the sexy one.
' She's a hottie.
A real hot banana.
Pants down, Mark, stick it in.
That remains my advice.
Yes, it's very easy to remember.
Seriously, I've known her for literally four seconds and I really think she might be better for you than Dobby.
I'm not even sure Dobby still likes me.
She wants me to be different.
I want her to be different.
Maybe it's just not right.
'This is brilliant.
It's like all my Christmases - apart from the last few, which were horrible - have come at once.
' You're not giving Andy therapy in the pub, are you? Entering his territory.
Gives him more confidence to share.
He's got a family party tonight.
His ex will be there.
I am life coaching the living fuck out of him.
You've gotta get him to talk to someone, Jeremy.
Someone who's medically recognised by others.
You don't think I can do this, do you? Well, I can, Mark.
I'm gonna save this guy and when I do, I will expect a huge apology from you.
Sorry.
I need to go.
But how about supper at my house to carry on with all this? About OK.
Great.
Superb.
I'll text you my address.
You're not allergic to anything, are you, like the rest of the world constantly pretends to be? Yes, I can't eat dairy or gluten and peanuts will kill me.
Brilliant.
See you later.
My thoughts get all speeded up.
I just wanna get it punched out of me.
Have you been doing your breathing exercises? And taking Rescue Remedy? You might be low on zinc.
Sorry.
Er, Jeremy, I just wanted to say that I'm going round to Stephanie's house this evening to talk business.
Do the business, more like! The sticking-it-in mime is not necessary, Jeremy.
If Dobby asks where I am, can you say I'm doing another stock-take? Text me tonight if things get heavy, in case I need to spin Dobby a bigger lie.
OK.
Yeah, if things start to get sexy, I'll I'll text you the word "Maximus".
I tell you what, Mark, I wish Simpatico had existed ten years ago.
I might not have ended up with my husband.
Right, you're married.
Was.
He disappeared.
Walked out on me without a word.
Literally one minute he was here, the next he'd picked up his jacket and gone.
What a horrible thing to do.
'Are you secretly weird? Have I just walked into a bear trap? People don't just disappear.
' I think Gerry ended up with someone almost exactly half my age.
I guess you can't blame him.
You're very attractive.
He-he-he was a fool to leave.
Thank you.
Here's to this evening.
Cheers.
'Am I expecting to have adulterous sex with Stephanie? I don't know.
I did put my nice pants on.
But then I also wore those to the Jubilee Pageant.
' Poor old Mark having to do a stock-take at this time of day.
As soon as Mark texts that he's gonna get dirty with Stephanie, I'll tell Dobby I love her.
Do you think Mark's been acting a bit odd the last couple of days? Er Yeah, maybe a bit weird.
'What if he forgets to text? What if they get down to it before he has the chance? Fuck it, I'm gonna tell Dobby now that I love her, that I properly love her.
' Hey, Dobs Yeah? Um Here's an odd thing.
Er Excuse me.
Hi, Andy? Do you rinse pre-loading? Of course I do.
Because of The filter! Exactly! Who wants to clog the filter? Lunatics! 'What can I get away with before it's sure-fire infidelity? A kiss on the lips? Some people say hello like that.
Touch the waist? Another innocent greeting gesture.
As long as she doesn't rub my penis.
No-one says hello like that other than in prison.
' Back in a mo.
Open another bottle of wine, would you, Mark? I'd like to get a little more drunk.
'This is moving up a gear.
Am I gonna do this? Sex with Stephanie? I want to.
Shit.
Yes, I'm gonna text Jez the word "Maximus".
What's this? "Be-cous I heart you!" Dobby's love note.
And there's even a little bit of horrible couscous stuck to it.
Shit, I feel like Alec Guinness at the end of Bridge On The River Kwai.
What have I done? Ugh, Jez.
"Urgent! It's all gone to shit! Call me!" Oh, God.
Probably the worst thing I could do now would be to pick up my jacket, walk out without a word and return to my much younger girlfriend.
' Hey, Mark, shall I put some music on? Do you like Van Morrison? Sure.
Who doesn't like Van Morrison? I saw him live at Cornbury.
Shall we have a little dance? 'I am so sorry.
' It's a marvellous night for a moondance I'm gonna fucking drink it.
This isn't the answer, Andy.
Yes, it is.
Everything's speeding up.
Drinking paint is a bad idea.
'How is this painting my kitchen?' What the hell is going on? You were right, Mark.
I was wrong.
I can't fix him.
I'm not Freud.
I want you to punch me, Jez.
I want you to punch me better.
I'm not going to punch you.
Don't punch him.
Fucking punch me! No.
You'll punch me back.
I won't.
If you don't punch me, I'll drink this paint.
This is really cheap and nasty paint.
'I fucking knew it.
' And it'll damage me inside.
It might even kill me.
I want you to punch me hard.
I need to be punched! You can't punch him, Jez.
That's not therapy.
It's what he wants.
- Kick my nutbag.
Do it.
- Do it! Fucking hell! Yes! More! More! Yes! Fuck! This is working! Apologise, Mark! Yes! This is not a victory, Jez.
This is not the triumph of your technique.
Yes! You're just kicking a man in the bollocks.
More! Oh! Yes! Oh! Is he all right, though? The mental health crisis team are helping him.
I admit my therapeutic approach was unorthodox but I think I might have saved a guy's life.
Sorry you had to work late, Mark.
What a fucker for you.
I want to tell you something.
'OK' I haven't been late-night stock-taking.
I lied.
What were you doing, then? Do you drive one of those bicycle rickshaws? Are you having an affair with a spy or a hospital cleaner? I'm doing a secret MBA class.
It's an 18-month course and I thought if you knew I was doing it I'd know you were lying to me about wanting to go interrailing.
'Oh, come on, Mark, and the fucking rest.
Tell her about Stephanie.
Tell her you've got the horn for a hot MILF.
Tell her you want to stick it in.
You're not letting me steal your girlfriend, you total bastard.
' Hi, we saw the Freecycle ad for the cat.
The? Oh.
Oh, I see.
OK.
Great.
Yeah.
Take him.
He's very, very clean.
Thank you.
And I think I also have to take a yoga mat, a size ten corset and a VHS of The Barchester Chronicles.
Yeah, don't worry about that.
OK.
'Come on, then, Mark - time to tell Dobby about your trip to Cougar Town.
' Mark, is there anything else you need to tell Dobby? Yes.
Erm I realised tonight that I properly love you, Dobby.
'No, not that, that's my line! You've stolen my line!' And I do want to go interrailing with you.
You're my double black diamond extra bold.
Fuck breakfast blend.
Great.
Things are a bit hectic at work at the minute so might not be able to go for a bit, but terrific.
And we've already worked out where the big pharmacy is in Antwerp, so we're golden.
Tea? 'I properly love you, Dobby.
' 'I properly love you, Dobby.
' Isn't she great? Yeah.
With any luck, she's the last woman I'll be pulling my pants down and sticking it in.
'And for that image, I only have myself to blame.
'
Work time.
Have you got your couscous salad for lunch? 'My Tupperware box of tasteless misery sand.
' Yup.
Lovely.
Thanks.
Hey, tell you what, shall we just fucking do a runner? Yeah, let's steal the cutlery as well and stab a policeman with it! Partners in crime.
'Bonnie and Clyde, not the Wests.
' Seriously, Mark, why don't we? Well, because we owe these people money.
They've got to pay staff and there's the utility bills All right, forget it.
Sometimes it's fun to be in the moment.
People who do runners aren't all criminals.
They definitely are.
It's just Gerrard It's made me think about stuff.
You've got to live your life, Mark.
'Uh-oh.
Need to shut this down.
' Living your life isn't just swimming with dolphins and climbing Machu Picchu, though, is it? It's-it's everything.
Just drinking my my delicious tea in this nice local cafe is living my life.
I've been thinking we should go interrailing, for three weeks, maybe, or a month, stay in hostels.
It wouldn't cost much.
What do you think? 'Well I think I hate and fear all facets of that idea.
' Hello.
Why are you up so early? 'So I can stare at your girlfriend.
' Big Mad Andy started painting the kitchen.
Ah, yes.
Big Mad Andy, or Big Mad Very Cheap Indeed Andy, as I like to call him.
So do you need another coffee? Sorry, we need to get to work.
Oh, fine.
Well, I'll walk with you cos I need to go to that direction.
'Mustn't be in love with you.
You're Mark's.
It'd be like a weird sort of incest.
Although, to be fair, even normal incest is pretty fucked up.
' Dobs, interrailing sounds great, but I was half sort of semi-thinking of finally doing an MBA, so Do it when we get back.
We're not emigrating to the moon.
'Although that might be preferable.
Certainly a lot fewer French waiters on the moon.
Aww, hello! My landlord won't allow pets but I wish I had a cat.
I love cats.
Do you? Yeah.
I love that whole, "Screw you all, I'm a cat," vibe.
We always had cats at home.
Georgie, Pickle, Fonzie, Socks, Bobtail.
That's a lot of cats.
We were quite near an A road.
I'd better be off to get the bus.
Laters.
Bye.
Bye.
So are you gonna go interrailing? What do you think? Why can't Dobby just move into the flat so we can have a lovely normal time? Is that too much to ask? Just sitting indoors with some incredibly strong Cheddar? 'She doesn't want your boring Cheddar.
She wants my veiny, intriguing Stilton.
' We do some very nice modern fittings.
Clean lines, minimalist.
Yeah, we do want the bathroom to look very modern, but also very traditional.
Right.
It is quite difficult to marry those very disparate styles.
Well, that's the look that we want.
I understand that.
I'm just not sure that it's a look that actually physically exists in the world.
You're looking for classic meets modern, yeah? Yeah, that's right.
So clawfoot bath with thinline cistern.
Fancy taps but rainforest showerhead.
Exactly.
Can do, sir.
Can do and will do.
Erm Sorry, Hans, this is my customer.
You you can't just take my customer.
Yeah, I can, Mark.
For two reasons.
One, he wants me to Don't you, mate? Yes, please.
'Fuck you, Dr Frankenbath.
' and two, as of this morning, I'm your boss.
Grab us a large latte and a pain aux raisins, would you, Mark? 'Come on, fate, this can't be right.
Don't fist me again, fate.
' Oh, Robert Just heading out, Mark.
Is Super Hans my boss now? Have you just promoted him? Well, it depends how you define "boss".
In the normal way.
Then yes, he is.
'Super Hans has become my boss.
This is insane.
Shaun Ryder responsible for setting the LIBOR rate.
' You on lunch? Couscous salad.
Dobby makes a big batch at the start of the week.
She puts little notes in it too.
"Grains for your brains," that sort of thing.
"Be-cous I heart you!" That's today's.
Hmm.
Salad's fucking grim, though.
I close my eyes, shovel it in as fast I can, open them and there's still the same amount.
Listen, Mark, I'm sorry about earlier, but I am gonna have to be on your case pretty much permanently from now on, belittling you, if needs be.
No hard feelings, though, yeah? In a way, I'm pleased.
It's made me finally decide to do something.
Still plenty to live for, Mark.
You've got a kid.
Not suicide! I'm not suicidal.
No? No.
I'm finally gonna do an MBA at evening class.
Maybe get a business of my own going.
Hmm, that's us both moving up.
Since I've got prospects, I wanna find the perfect partner.
See, I've been lucky enough to have shared relationships with some very creative, volatile, very intense women, but now I really want a normal one.
Meet Mr Eisenhower.
Aah! Isn't it a sweetie? What do you think, Hans? I'm guessing cat.
'Yes, and this cat's gonna help me lure Dobby in like a classic '70s paedo in a Ford Granada.
' He's a rescue cat.
I rescued him.
Well, not actually me, some mental ladies whose children have left home.
Is he a Siamese? I think so.
Right, yeah.
I don't like those.
They're a bit horrible.
'Brilliant.
My woman bait has failed and I now have to look after a cat until it dies.
' I'll make some tea.
'They can live for 25 years! I'll be 60 and doubly incontinent and Dobby still won't have moved in.
Understandably.
Great, and it looks like Big Mad Andy's done no painting at all.
' A cup of char, or would you prefer some 'What's a blokey name for coffee?' hot java? I'm fine with lager.
I like a proper drink when I'm working.
Are-are you sure that's Dulux Heritage? It's just it's all in unmarked tins.
That's how the trade gets 'em.
Right.
And-and-and that's definitely Breakfast Room Green? Look, whatever you asked for, mate, that's what it is, yeah? Sure.
Brilliant.
Many thanks.
'Well, I think I made a pretty forceful point there.
' So have you thought any more about the interrailing plan? 'Hmm.
Make it seem boring - my signature dish.
' I was thinking we should plan the route meticulously - how we're gonna get to each place, timetables, hostel pricing structures.
Really dig down into the detail.
Great, let's do it.
Ace.
'Impressive work, Corrigan.
' 'Shot yourself in the foot and then scored an own goal with it.
' Hi, I'm here about the ballet shoes.
The ballet shoes? 'Is she gonna mention Jesus?' Sorry, have I got the right flat? Sara, yeah? Come for the ballet shoes? Yeah.
Just a minute.
I've worked out how to meet the perfect woman, Mark.
Advertise on Freecycle.
Sort out the right combination of free stuff and you can engineer who comes round.
So if they want ballet shoes? They'll have a conventional nature but with an adventurous love of the arts - perfect.
Plus, limber, if you receive me.
Where did you get ballet shoes? From a dancewear boutique.
Cost me a fair bit, but it's an investment.
And why are you using my flat exactly? My place has got a bit of a men's hostel vibe.
It's-it's a bit rank, a little bit semen-y.
Hello again.
So As new.
My sister bought 'em and then just went right off ballet.
Got into bowling.
Different shoes.
And this is the Squarepusher CD.
Oh, can I just take the shoes? The advert did say they go together, the shoes, the CD, and this speed goes with it.
It's a package.
Right.
I don't want the CD or the speed, thanks.
Then I can't give you the shoes, love.
Sorry.
Bye.
She obviously wasn't right, Mark.
Might have to finesse the formula.
Don't wanna buy some ballet shoes, do you, mate? How much? Antwerp, city of beer, diamonds, chocolate and probably Hercule Poirot.
Let us walk its streets.
Where will the small, yellow, asexual figurine lead us? Oooh, look, it's, er How do you pronounce that? Sook-eroo? Sweek-a-rooee? A lovely street.
Let's look around.
We can go anywhere.
'This will slake her thirst for adventure.
' Ah, it's the, er, Restaurant Maritime, which I imagine might well be a fish restaurant.
What else? Six bars, a pizzeria, and a large pharmacy.
The dream! We will do this for real, right? We will go interrailing? 'Oh, she's insatiable! I don't wanna sleep with strangers in hostels and never have a proper relaxed poo.
' Yeah? Sure.
I ju-just need to square things with Robert and Hans.
You know I'm doing a late-night stock-take tonight? No worries.
I'll hang out with Jez, watch Animal Planet and get all drugged up on reefers.
Fine.
I am aware that that's not the real slang, by the way.
I know you are, Daddy-O.
It's always the same.
I'm off, Jez.
OK.
Hold that thought.
Back in a sec.
Why isn't Andy painting? Andy's my new life coaching client.
He's got so many issues.
He's a genuine gold-plated maniac.
No, Jez! He's properly mad.
He's Big Mad Andy.
Someone with real medical training needs to see him.
I've got medical training.
I've got a certificate.
I gave you the certificate.
It's utterly meaningless.
In a way, aren't all so-called qualifications meaningless? No.
Andy's the most mental man I've ever met.
He punches people after he's had too many, but really, he wants to get punched.
He hates himself.
Fascinating.
You know where I am tonight.
Your secret learning thing.
Don't tell Dobby.
If she knows I'm starting an MBA, she'll realise I'm not serious about being strapped to a massive rucksack for a month and getting stabbed in Boulogne.
I just have to stress again this is an 18-month part-time MBA course.
'The start of my new life.
Hi there, I'm Mark Corrigan, MA, MBA.
That spells "mamba", which is a kind of sexy snake.
He'll be gone by next week.
Why do the thickos come to these things? I suppose because the thickos have insisted no-one's allowed to say, "You're a thicko," any more.
That's actually quite a clever move by the thickos.
' Sorry, parking nightmare, red route.
Oh.
Apologies.
Rude.
I'm the sort of person who hates latecomers, and look at me.
You are allowed to violently hate me.
Stephanie.
Mark.
'Wow, she's lovely.
A lovely older lady who's into business.
' Is he any good? He looks about 12.
'I can't talk when the teacher's talking! I have never, ever talked when the teacher's talking.
' Jury's out.
Cultural and environmental influences.
Coffee.
I used Mark's nice stuff that he thinks he's got hidden.
Thanks.
How's Andy? Oh, sort of fine.
I'd quite like him to go home now, though.
But he's vulnerable and, you know, a violent drunk, so 'I have to stop being in love with you.
I've got to find your flaws.
You can't be as completely and utterly ideal as you seem.
' Bees are idiots, aren't they? They really are.
I hate bees too.
Stupid bees.
'OK, huge compatibility on the bee issue there, but I bet we're actually incredibly different in loads of other ways.
' What do you think of Venetian Snares? Fine.
He's like a decent low-end Samsung but Aphex Twin's still the iPhone, d'you know what I mean? I do.
You're completely correct.
Nice analogy.
'Shit.
Please don't be perfect.
Please don't be the one.
' Jez! Better get back to my patient.
Jez! Here we go, back to the maniac grindstone.
Jez! You all right, mate? Jez am I mad? 'As a bottle of twats.
' No.
Not at all.
No.
You've just got some challenging behaviour and issues around punching, and we're working through those.
I wanna stop feeling like this.
'Is this good, collapsing? Positive collapsing?' Is he OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
He's just letting it all out.
Crying's good.
He'll stop in a minute and feel a lot better.
Do you fancy a Twix? There's two Twixes in the fridge.
I don't like Twixes.
Yes! She's not perfect for me because I fucking adore Twixes.
Only joking.
Who doesn't like Twixes? They're fantastic.
Andy, I know you're working through a lot of stuff right now, but can I just get the Twixes? 'Breakfast blend, special blend.
Ooh, double black diamond extra bold, that sounds interesting.
Breakfast blend it is.
Wonder if I should worry about being quite so attracted to her.
She is lovely.
Maybe that's what I need - a lovely older lady to tell me what to do with my life, a grown-up.
I bet she's terrific at sex.
' Care to join me? Love to.
'"Care to join me?" You are such a proper human being.
' He's not bad, this guy, is he? For a 12-year-old.
'That was rubbish.
She already said that.
Up your game, Corrigan.
' I'm glad I've got round to doing this.
I've been in and out of PR for years.
Good money, but an MBA's the golden ticket, isn't it? The key.
No, the biometric swipe card to success.
'Ha-ha, back on form.
' Do you have any particular business ideas you're thinking about? Well, I-I was thinking about an introduction agency for the discerning single professional.
Business people, like us.
Like it.
Nice idea.
Yes, I was thinking of calling it Amicus or Superium.
What about Simpatico? Oh, that's good, I like that.
You could have two levels - Simpatico Normalo and Simpatico Maximus.
So what made you think about it? Are you single yourself? Yes, I have been for a while.
'OK, interesting.
Where the fuck did that come from?' I'm looking to maybe invest in a small business.
We should talk more.
How about tomorrow? Lunch at the Plough? Terrific.
They do nice pizzas there.
Slightly asymmetrical, which I find indicates quality.
'What am I doing?' 'Is this business? I think this might not be business.
Feels good, though.
' Sorry.
'I'm reinventing myself.
I can be anyone I want.
I can be Bond! No, ridiculous.
Bergerac.
I could be Bergerac!' I see Andy hasn't made any progress.
Not with the decorating, but in terms of his mental health, he's really nailing his demons.
It would just be nice if he was really painting my walls as well.
How was your business thing last night? Fine.
Uneventful.
Normal.
Not normal.
Odd.
Eventful.
Ooh! What's the goss, girlfriend? Well, you-you know my dating agency idea? What, bringing dull workaholics together to spare the rest of humankind? I met a woman who's interested in investing in it.
An older woman.
'Is this?' Do you fancy her? No! Well, maybe a bit.
She is nice.
She's grown-up.
She wears fitted jackets.
She's conservative with a small "c" and sexy with quite a big "S".
OK.
One word of advice here I-I know, I know - don't throw away what I've got with Dobby.
No.
No, Mark.
The advice is, fuck and suck.
Go for it.
I've always thought you needed an older woman to sort you out.
Like a sexy auntie.
I'm not sure she's interested in me in that way.
I bet she is.
Just dive in, man.
Gather ye pearls while the hog walks.
Is that from something? Yes.
No.
I mean, just do it.
Pull your pants down and put it in her.
Thanks for the advice, Jeremy.
That's great advice.
I mean it.
Pants down, stick it in.
Thanks.
Got it.
How about with the Maximus package, if you're busy on a work project, you don't have any free evenings, you can simply freeze your membership? Fantastic idea.
'Wow, you're like a sexy human Duncan Bannatyne.
' Hello, Mark.
Oh, Jeremy.
Hello.
'Why are you here?' I'm Jeremy, Mark's oldest and closest friend.
And I'm Stephanie, I imagine his newest and most distant.
Not at all.
I feel incredibly I'll go and order our food.
'Time to stab my friend in the back.
Like Judas.
Out of all the main Jesus helpers, he was the sexy one.
' She's a hottie.
A real hot banana.
Pants down, Mark, stick it in.
That remains my advice.
Yes, it's very easy to remember.
Seriously, I've known her for literally four seconds and I really think she might be better for you than Dobby.
I'm not even sure Dobby still likes me.
She wants me to be different.
I want her to be different.
Maybe it's just not right.
'This is brilliant.
It's like all my Christmases - apart from the last few, which were horrible - have come at once.
' You're not giving Andy therapy in the pub, are you? Entering his territory.
Gives him more confidence to share.
He's got a family party tonight.
His ex will be there.
I am life coaching the living fuck out of him.
You've gotta get him to talk to someone, Jeremy.
Someone who's medically recognised by others.
You don't think I can do this, do you? Well, I can, Mark.
I'm gonna save this guy and when I do, I will expect a huge apology from you.
Sorry.
I need to go.
But how about supper at my house to carry on with all this? About OK.
Great.
Superb.
I'll text you my address.
You're not allergic to anything, are you, like the rest of the world constantly pretends to be? Yes, I can't eat dairy or gluten and peanuts will kill me.
Brilliant.
See you later.
My thoughts get all speeded up.
I just wanna get it punched out of me.
Have you been doing your breathing exercises? And taking Rescue Remedy? You might be low on zinc.
Sorry.
Er, Jeremy, I just wanted to say that I'm going round to Stephanie's house this evening to talk business.
Do the business, more like! The sticking-it-in mime is not necessary, Jeremy.
If Dobby asks where I am, can you say I'm doing another stock-take? Text me tonight if things get heavy, in case I need to spin Dobby a bigger lie.
OK.
Yeah, if things start to get sexy, I'll I'll text you the word "Maximus".
I tell you what, Mark, I wish Simpatico had existed ten years ago.
I might not have ended up with my husband.
Right, you're married.
Was.
He disappeared.
Walked out on me without a word.
Literally one minute he was here, the next he'd picked up his jacket and gone.
What a horrible thing to do.
'Are you secretly weird? Have I just walked into a bear trap? People don't just disappear.
' I think Gerry ended up with someone almost exactly half my age.
I guess you can't blame him.
You're very attractive.
He-he-he was a fool to leave.
Thank you.
Here's to this evening.
Cheers.
'Am I expecting to have adulterous sex with Stephanie? I don't know.
I did put my nice pants on.
But then I also wore those to the Jubilee Pageant.
' Poor old Mark having to do a stock-take at this time of day.
As soon as Mark texts that he's gonna get dirty with Stephanie, I'll tell Dobby I love her.
Do you think Mark's been acting a bit odd the last couple of days? Er Yeah, maybe a bit weird.
'What if he forgets to text? What if they get down to it before he has the chance? Fuck it, I'm gonna tell Dobby now that I love her, that I properly love her.
' Hey, Dobs Yeah? Um Here's an odd thing.
Er Excuse me.
Hi, Andy? Do you rinse pre-loading? Of course I do.
Because of The filter! Exactly! Who wants to clog the filter? Lunatics! 'What can I get away with before it's sure-fire infidelity? A kiss on the lips? Some people say hello like that.
Touch the waist? Another innocent greeting gesture.
As long as she doesn't rub my penis.
No-one says hello like that other than in prison.
' Back in a mo.
Open another bottle of wine, would you, Mark? I'd like to get a little more drunk.
'This is moving up a gear.
Am I gonna do this? Sex with Stephanie? I want to.
Shit.
Yes, I'm gonna text Jez the word "Maximus".
What's this? "Be-cous I heart you!" Dobby's love note.
And there's even a little bit of horrible couscous stuck to it.
Shit, I feel like Alec Guinness at the end of Bridge On The River Kwai.
What have I done? Ugh, Jez.
"Urgent! It's all gone to shit! Call me!" Oh, God.
Probably the worst thing I could do now would be to pick up my jacket, walk out without a word and return to my much younger girlfriend.
' Hey, Mark, shall I put some music on? Do you like Van Morrison? Sure.
Who doesn't like Van Morrison? I saw him live at Cornbury.
Shall we have a little dance? 'I am so sorry.
' It's a marvellous night for a moondance I'm gonna fucking drink it.
This isn't the answer, Andy.
Yes, it is.
Everything's speeding up.
Drinking paint is a bad idea.
'How is this painting my kitchen?' What the hell is going on? You were right, Mark.
I was wrong.
I can't fix him.
I'm not Freud.
I want you to punch me, Jez.
I want you to punch me better.
I'm not going to punch you.
Don't punch him.
Fucking punch me! No.
You'll punch me back.
I won't.
If you don't punch me, I'll drink this paint.
This is really cheap and nasty paint.
'I fucking knew it.
' And it'll damage me inside.
It might even kill me.
I want you to punch me hard.
I need to be punched! You can't punch him, Jez.
That's not therapy.
It's what he wants.
- Kick my nutbag.
Do it.
- Do it! Fucking hell! Yes! More! More! Yes! Fuck! This is working! Apologise, Mark! Yes! This is not a victory, Jez.
This is not the triumph of your technique.
Yes! You're just kicking a man in the bollocks.
More! Oh! Yes! Oh! Is he all right, though? The mental health crisis team are helping him.
I admit my therapeutic approach was unorthodox but I think I might have saved a guy's life.
Sorry you had to work late, Mark.
What a fucker for you.
I want to tell you something.
'OK' I haven't been late-night stock-taking.
I lied.
What were you doing, then? Do you drive one of those bicycle rickshaws? Are you having an affair with a spy or a hospital cleaner? I'm doing a secret MBA class.
It's an 18-month course and I thought if you knew I was doing it I'd know you were lying to me about wanting to go interrailing.
'Oh, come on, Mark, and the fucking rest.
Tell her about Stephanie.
Tell her you've got the horn for a hot MILF.
Tell her you want to stick it in.
You're not letting me steal your girlfriend, you total bastard.
' Hi, we saw the Freecycle ad for the cat.
The? Oh.
Oh, I see.
OK.
Great.
Yeah.
Take him.
He's very, very clean.
Thank you.
And I think I also have to take a yoga mat, a size ten corset and a VHS of The Barchester Chronicles.
Yeah, don't worry about that.
OK.
'Come on, then, Mark - time to tell Dobby about your trip to Cougar Town.
' Mark, is there anything else you need to tell Dobby? Yes.
Erm I realised tonight that I properly love you, Dobby.
'No, not that, that's my line! You've stolen my line!' And I do want to go interrailing with you.
You're my double black diamond extra bold.
Fuck breakfast blend.
Great.
Things are a bit hectic at work at the minute so might not be able to go for a bit, but terrific.
And we've already worked out where the big pharmacy is in Antwerp, so we're golden.
Tea? 'I properly love you, Dobby.
' 'I properly love you, Dobby.
' Isn't she great? Yeah.
With any luck, she's the last woman I'll be pulling my pants down and sticking it in.
'And for that image, I only have myself to blame.
'