Penn & Teller: Bullshit! (2003) s06e05 Episode Script

Sleep, Inc.

Hi, cocksuckers, and welcome to "Bullshit.
" And, Jesus Motherfucking Christ, there's a lot of swearing and blasphemy and gratuitous nudity in this goddamned motherfucking show.
That's why we're always on so late at night.
One of the unintended consequences of our time slot is our audience includes a nice percentage of insomniacs.
That's you, right? Well, we have some excellent fucking news, sleepless pals.
Sorry, we can't afford to do a show so boringly dickless that you'll actually manage to get some sleep.
We really need you in our ratings.
Instead we're gonna wake you up to the fact that virtually everything sold to help you get a better night's rest is bullshit.
Penn, voice-over: Everyone does it.
But it seems to some like we do less of it than ever before.
No, not watching Bill Maher on anything.
Sleeping.
In today's turbo-charged, caffeinated world, can we possibly get a good night's sleep? Enter pseudo science, so-called technology, and weasel-run businesses with plenty of ideas to take your 40 bucks in exchange for the promise of 40 winks.
Tonight we'll look at everything from sleeping pills That's not sleeping.
That's just being knocked out.
To mattresses Essentially, it's a wrapped coil here with another coil on the inside of that coil.
To nap centers So this is the Metronaps energy pod.
To It creates an infrared transferring with the positive/negative ions it emits.
Uh, whatever the fuck that is.
But let's start with a guy who just wants to get a good night's sleep.
What's he doing in a strip club? You'll find out.
But first, we all have to suffer through his tragic pre-strip club story.
Probably I average about two hours of sleep a night.
My name is pat germano, and I have insomnia.
And I wouldn't be able to sleep.
I'd just be miserable.
Good thing you're on this show, because we are gonna make sure that What, what? Oh, what happened? Did--did I? Oh, sorry, Pat.
I'm Doctor Daniel Kripke.
Here at U.
C.
San Diego, I do research on sleep, and at the Scripps Clinic Sleep Center, I try and help patients with insomnia to sleep better.
Insomnia is the most common complaint that people bring in.
Of course the most common problem at the sleep center is insomnia.
That's like saying the most common reason people go to McDonald's is for a burger.
If your body clock is running too slow and becomes set too late, you're going to have trouble falling asleep at night and trouble getting up in the morning.
Pat must have one of those cheap body clock knockoffs they sell on the street in Times Square.
He says he's tried everything.
$2,000 mattress--didn't work.
Sleeping pills-- absolutely didn't work.
Drinking an alcoholic beverage before going to bed--dog shit.
Exercise, eating right I would give every cent I have in the bank to have one good night of sleep.
That's just what we were waiting to hear, Pat.
Get out that checkbook because Teller has invented an amazing new spring-free, microwave, infrared, sleep-on-air-device.
Ready, Teller? I'm gonna turn it on with this patented remote.
See? No pressure on any point of your body.
It's almost like you are sleeping on a Oh, fuck, Teller.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Ok, let's do it again.
We can shoot it again.
Come on back, Teller.
Shoot it again.
Penn, voice-over: Like swallows to capistrano, hundreds of mattress makers gather every year to spread their beds at a nationwide mattress expo.
Let's start this journey through slumberland with one of the biggest bed companies out there, spring air.
Chatom and Wells is the top-of-the-line spring air product offering that we have at market this year.
It is absolutely the pinnacle of a good night's sleep, and it's all based on this coil.
This coil is what we call a PIP, a Pocket In Pocket.
Essentially it's a wrapped coil here with another coil on the inside of that coil.
Amazing.
They've replaced all those cheap, fucking old-fashioned mattress springs with modern expensive coils.
We have coils here, we have coils here, with coils in coils in the middle, and we have another layer of coils in the top.
Coils, more coils in coils, and coils in the top.
There's not really any set number of coils that's gonna make it a good mattress.
My name's Seth Stevenson.
I'm a contributing writer for "Slate" magazine.
This guy's a consumer advocate and has to test a lot of mattresses.
At least, that's what he tells the chicks.
You can't just say this bed has more coils, so it's better.
You can't say this bed has thicker coils, so it's better.
You should just go out there, test out a few mattresses, see which one seems relatively comfortable to you, and go with that.
There's one with a name we like.
The Four Seasons Product Line is designed to be a luxury product at a tremendous value to the consumer.
We love staying at the Four Seasons Hotels.
So now we can now buy those same beds? It's foam encased.
What that means is the edges are foam.
You sit down on the edge of the mattress, that's the first thing you do before you get in and when you get out in the morning We know how to get in and out of bed, douchebag.
But is this the Four Seasons Mattress from the Four Seasons Hotel? We are not affiliated with four seasons hotels.
Huh.
Really? That's--that's odd.
I'm not sure what gave us the impression you were.
This--this--this is--this brand is a proprietary brand to, um, Spring Air Company.
So it's not affiliated with Four Seasons Hotels.
Shit.
Every photo ad on your wall shows people on vacation, wearing spa robes, lounging in fucking hotels.
And these beds have nothing to do with the Four Seasons Brand? Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
This--the Four Seasons Brand has been a Spring Air brand for many years, and to my knowledge, there's no affiliation with Four Seasons Hotels.
Yeah! Next you'll tell us that Frankie Valli doesn't sleep in them.
In one of our highly unscientific bullshit experiments, we asked Pat the Insomniac to attend the convention and report his findings.
You have no idea how excited I am about going to this mattress convention.
I have to admit that I'm a little skeptical that I'm gonna actually find a mattress that is gonna be worth a shit.
But I'm hopeful.
I'm hopeful that I'm gonna find something there.
Woman on P.
A.
: final boarding call for Southwest Airlines We learned two things traveling with Pat: He packs light, and he starts drinking early.
Oh, we forgot to mention, the mattress convention is held in a town more known for suicide and drunk driving than a good night's sleep.
When I first found out that the biggest mattress convention in the world was in Las Vegas, I said, "I got to go to this thing.
" Well, hello! Hi.
Have a good time, sir.
- Thank you very much.
- Bye-bye.
Germano, voice-over: Vegas is open 30 hours a day.
So that's why Vegas is perfect for me.
Yeah.
Pat arrived 24 hours before the start of the convention.
Nice room.
He'll have plenty of time to rest up for his big day.
Ohhhh! Huh? How about that! He's probably just wired from that almost one-hour flight from L.
A.
We'll check back with Pat later.
Meanwhile, say hello to this asshole.
Dr.
Jeffrey Thompson, Center for Neuro-Acoustic Research, Encinitas, California.
My music and sounds help people relax, sleep, and meditate.
When Dr.
Thompson isn't working as a model for "Fly Fishing Today," he makes audio recordings he claims help people fall asleep.
Now, if you listen to this one it's uh, evening cricket sounds.
And that other sound you're hearing is recordings from Jupiter, from NASA.
Dr.
Thompson uses existing sounds, composes his own sounds, and mixes them all together in some supposedly scientific way.
My bio-clocks set themselves to the universe.
The universe pulses, and we dance to it.
So this idea of coupled oscillators, the science of coupled oscillators, pretty much shows that everything in nature dances together to the same drummer, but nobody's beating the drum except everybody.
My bio clocks set themselves to the universe.
The universe pulses and we dance to it.
Everything in nature dances together to the same drummer, but nobody's beating the drum except everybody.
Wild, baby.
Let's look for some real assholes in Vegas.
Night has fallen at the greatest hotel in the whole fucking town, and our insomniac Pat is still going strong.
I started out with $200 and now I've got $600.
The goal is to have a piece of food from every nationality they have here, which is everything.
Man.
That's a great-looking buffet, and it's only 75 yards from the Penn and Teller theater.
Can I have a gigantic piece of prime rib? Awesome! The key to a delicious buffet is you got to hit them at the meat.
That's where you hurt them.
Come on, 20! Pat, are you getting sleepy? Ready to call it a night? No.
Poor Pat just wasn't feeling the Z's.
He just couldn't wear himself out.
Oh, shit.
We were supposed to talk to him about sleeping pills.
Oh, oh, wait.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We asked him back when he wasn't drunk and naked.
I don't think very highly of sleeping pills, only because it's-- It's kind of like you're not-- I mean, you're not sleeping.
You take sleeping pills, you're knocked out.
What happens if there's an emergency? If I'm in my apartment, all of a sudden the alarm's going off, and I'm sitting there and I can't move and there's a fire above my head Fuck me, you know? Why are we listening to you talk about sleeping pills? What the fuck do you know? You know, sleeping pills don't really help us sleep Oops.
Sorry, Pat.
According to brainwave recordings, or if there's any benefit, it's only maybe 10 minutes more of sleep.
They just don't really help us sleep a lot more.
According to medical researchers like Dr.
Kripke, a number of dangers associated with sleeping pills have been uncovered.
Many of the popular sleeping pills increase the rate of infection.
They increase colds, they increase sinusitis, they increase influenza.
Colds, sinusitis, the flu-- Oh, well, at least they're not serious.
People who take sleeping pills are more likely to have heart attacks.
They're more likely to have strokes.
People who take sleeping pills are more likely to get cancer.
No, fuck.
If sleeping pills are unsafe, why--why are they marketed so heavily? Retail sales are about $4 billion.
And you also have to realize that the doctors giving the sleeping pills might be making another $4 billion.
You know why we keep showing this same cheapo file shot of pills being counted into a bottle that every local TV station uses every time they have a pharmaceutical story? Maybe that's because the manufacturers of sleeping pills wouldn't grant us interviews.
Maybe the only footage we have is this fucking pill shot, Dr.
Kripke, and Pat.
Laurel and Hardy, the 3 Stooges, Martin and Lewis, Abbott and Costello.
When you look at the great comedy teams of the past, you'll notice that all of them slept together.
Teller and I knew we coul-- one knew we couldn't break that great tradition.
Unfortunately, neither of us have a really funny snore, and we don't fall--two We don't fall out of bed all that often.
What we do have is that Teller is a great sleeper.
He can fall asleep 3 immediately.
It's a different story for me, though.
Luckily, Teller is kind enough to help me out.
He'll keep jumping over the bed until I 4 manage to fall asleep.
We decided to investigate mattresses a little further.
One thing we had already learned from Robert at Spring Air was when it comes to mattresses, it's all about the coils.
But, fuck! At Dormia Mattresses, there isn't a coil to be found.
Their sales rep says it's all about the foam.
As many people have seen from infomercials, memory foam is an open-cell-structured foam.
What we at Dormia use this for is, as you can see, you press your hand in it, and you get instant conformity no matter what position you're lying in.
And that's the key to sleep-deprivation cures.
Memory foam has been a really popular product.
It's not necessarily better or worse than an inner-spring mattress.
It's just a different way to do the same thing.
It's a different way to give you support.
The mattress industry likes to talk about the science involved in its products, but springs are not a complicated technology.
Foam is not that complicated.
It's not springs, it's coils, you fool.
And it's not just foam! It's open-cell-structured foam, whatever the fuck that is.
Ultimately, I think what you should look for in a mattress is something that's comfortable for you and that doesn't cost very much because I don't think you get a lot of improvement in your mattress by spending a lot of money on it.
So our expert's advice: Buy a comfortable mattress.
What does he use? An air mattress he bought at Wal-Mart for $60.
People like you are causing a recession.
These mattresses range in the luxury category of $2000 and up.
It retails for $2,499, but you need to understand $2,999 given that it has a 20-year warranty The cost to get good sleep for you 1,999.
Is pennies a day.
This bed is gonna be somewhere in the $5000 range.
5,000 fucking bucks? This must be that mattress material some companies pimp as being created by NASA.
I guess somebody has to cover the costs of that space shuttle.
But maybe NASA did invent this material, but are the mattress needs in space really the same as the mattress needs in your bedroom? Hey, hey, come on.
Don't hog it.
Why do we spend so much money on mattresses? Fear.
Sleep, lack of sleep, and sleep deprivation is one of the most troubling health issues in the country today.
At Dormia, we would recommend, to get a good night's sleep, at least 8 to 10 hours an evening.
The 8-hour sleep idea is an old story with not much basis.
People who sleep 5, 6, or 7 hours live longer than people who sleep 8, 9, or 10 hours.
And people who sleep 6 or 7 hours are probably more healthy than people who sleep 9 or 10 hours.
So, Doc, you're saying mattress salesmen don't know their science? Oh, shit.
What time is it? Where's Pat? Awesome, dude.
2:00 AM? What the fuck? Look at this thing! What are you doing? We got a big day tomorrow at the mattress convention.
Yeah! Salute to Las Vegas! You're my city! I love you! Nice view from the Rio All-Suites Hotel and Casino, isn't it? Be careful of that railing, Pat.
If you--if you fall off there, you'll hit our theater.
We'll check back with Pat later.
On the other side of the country, in the Big Apple, the answer for a sleep-deprived population may exist on the 22nd floor of the Empire State Building in this room full of giant eggs? My name is Arshad Chowdhury, and I'm the CEO of Metronaps.
Metronaps.
Hmm.
A cool, hip name for a sleep salon.
What's the story? Well I came up with the idea for Metronaps while I was working in investment banking here in New York.
I saw that a lot of my colleagues were falling asleep at their desks and during meetings.
Just the words "investment banking" will do that to people.
Here at Metronaps, we offer a place to take a nap.
But we don't do much more than that, really.
There are no gases.
There are no, um, special chemicals we use to put you asleep, nothing like that.
Is there a place we can get special chemicals and gasses? No? Fuck.
The pod is equipped with a built-in timer.
So you can set the timer for a 20-minute nap.
The timer does go up higher than that.
Wow! You've got an alarm clock! A volume knob so that the napper can control the volume of the music that they're hearing.
Volume knob? How high-tech of you! And--and then these lights do turn off.
No way! Lights that turn off? Fucking amazing! Set the timer for 20 minutes.
Aw, look.
You're giving her a woobie you stole from an airline.
That's so sweet.
The Metronaps experience is designed to take about 25 minutes total.
It's $14 for a 20-minute nap.
If you want to become a member, it's $65 a month, and for that you can come take a nap once a day every day.
So it's similar to a gym.
Except no adult makes an excuse to miss a nap.
You know, we don't really have a beef with this guy.
Find a need and fill it.
People want to nap in the Empire State Building, he gives them a little egg to snooze in.
And in the long term, 70 cents a minute is a fucking bargain when compared to the cost of your boss catching you sleeping at your desk.
Meanwhile, back in Vegas, Pat's great room at the fabulous Rio All-Suites Hotel and Casino is still empty.
It's 3:00 a.
m.
Do you know where your insomniac is? Hell, yes.
What is that, a single? I guess if you're up 24 hours a day, it's tough to budget correctly.
Yeah, Vegas! Man! 4:00 A.
M.
in Vegas, riding in a limo with two willing young ladies Oh, yeah! Fuck that mattress convention! Play your cards right, Pat, and you'll be one lucky dude.
What's your next move? Oh, fuck.
Sorry, Pat.
Well, fuck! If it isn't about the mattress, and sleeping pills don't work, isn't there anything that will save us? This is the Bio-Mat, and it's a beautiful handmade product from Korea.
If you've ever really wondered what bullshit looked like up close, watch this.
The Bio-Mat has helped many people get a good night's rest because it relaxes you so deeply that there's no way you're gonna stay awake with this.
And it's going to get worse.
The Bio-Mat will warm the body.
So it's going through and healing every cell.
You're thinking, bullshit electric blanket, right? Ho ho! You are not even close.
The Bio-Mat with the amethyst stone and the infrared and the positive ions it emits helps with healing of cancer.
Patients that have a bio-mat live to tell about it.
Yeah! There it is! Heating pad cures cancer! Now tell us how it works, Einstein! Ha ha ha! It won't hurt you because it's infrared, which is like microwaves of heat going through your body.
And we know microwaves won't hurt you, right? Oh, oh, wait.
I got that backwards.
But this isn't microwaves.
It's infrared! What is infrared, and what is-- what is it doing? I don't know what infrared is.
I don't know if I can answer that question properly.
Warm milk is supposed to help you fall asleep.
Some claim there's enough of the amino acid L-tryptophan in milk to make you sleepy.
Actually, there's only 8/100 of a gram per 100 grams of milk.
To effect insomnia, the suggested dosage is 1 to 3 grams of L-tryptophan.
So for the full dose, you'd need to drink 37 1/2 glasses of milk right before bed.
You're not, uh, lactose intolerant, are you, Teller? Well, it's morning.
Pat's been up for 25 1/2 hours, but it looks like he's raring to go! My goal here at the mattress convention is to actually find a mattress that will actually help me out.
Time to get busy.
The lobby.
The free buffet.
Our old friend at Spring Air.
Last time we saw him, the buzzword was "coils" today, it's "pressure points.
" No pressure points.
They give in the areas where you need it, which are hips and shoulders.
It comes up and supports the lumbar area of your spine, reduces all those pressure points.
The mattress helps the pressure points.
No shit, you know? Yeah, it's a mattress.
Then Pat was off again, for more research, more free refreshments, and a lesson in love.
And who better to give it My name is Jon Studner.
Than the Stud-ner himself.
The great thing about memory foam-- Do you have a partner that you sleep with? Uh, just myself.
Ok.
Ooh, awkward.
Well, if you have a partner, there's a-- there's a number of great things about having, um, memory foam beds.
There's no motion transfer.
No motion transfer? Perfect.
When you're fucking somebody on your side of the bed and don't want your partner to wake up and catch you, that is a fine feature.
And in regards to the other thing, it's just wonderful on Dormia beds.
Enough said.
That was a little creepy, even for us.
Can you--can you help our sleepless Pat? How does that feel? Yeah, this isn't, uh normal to me.
All right.
Well, let me-- let me do something.
Let me put you back in a level position.
How's your back feel now that I put you in a level position? Um actually, a little bit uncomfortable.
Exactly! "Exactly?" He just said he feels uncomfortable! Because when you're in the other position, your spine is more naturally aligned with Dormia products.
Oh, you mean "the other position" that Pat said didn't feel normal.
Yeah, this isn't, uh, normal to me.
Fuck, Pat.
Sorry, man.
What I was really--would've, would loved to hear today was, "Hey, I'm the salesman.
"This is a goddamn mattress.
This isn't your problem.
"You have other issues.
"You're fat, you're, you-- Maybe you need to do something, exercise.
You know, maybe you need to go see a doctor.
" Don't tell me a mattress is gonna solve all my fucking problems.
Let's swing by Crazyville.
- This is the Bio-Mat.
- Ok.
Now, I'm gonna lay you down on this bed, and you're gonna fall asleep instantly.
All right.
It's gonna help you.
So, pat, your problems are over.
In seconds, you'll be fast asleep.
So what do you think, Pat? How you feeling? Hot.
And not asleep.
Twin size is 2,400, the queen is 3,200, and the king is 4,200.
Plus shipping on all of those, mm-hmm.
Yeah, plus shipping.
There's a heat pad that's just like that at Wal-Mart that you can get for 29.
99.
It's in the sporting goods under the camping section.
Problem solved if you don't have the $4,200.
It's supposed to help everything, and even including the libido.
Well, today we learned one thing: People in the sleep industry are fucking horny.
But what did Pat learn? I just spent several hours at a mattress convention, which basically was one of the most useless things I've ever done in my life.
What about Thanksgiving dinner? Some people say you fall asleep due to the L-tryptophan in turkey.
Like milk, to get the dosage, you'd have to eat a fuck of a lot more turkey than any of us are comfortable with.
Even then, it wouldn't work, because of the stupid tiny detail that to be effective, you have to take L-tryptophan on an empty stomach.
The sleepiness is from carbs, fat, family, and football.
So what do the sleep professionals say to do to get a good night's sleep? The real answers won't cost you a dime.
Penn, voice-over: Get into a bedtime routine.
Go to bed at the same time every night.
Exercise, and don't eat a heavy meal before bedtime.
Avoid caffeine and alcohol.
Make your room dark.
If you're still awake after 30 minutes, move to another room and sit and read for 20 minutes, then try again.
Most importantly, don't nap.
Pleasant dreams, pat.
Pleasant dreams.
It's turkey fucking.
Shut up and take it, bitch.