Penn & Teller: Bullshit! (2003) s08e08 Episode Script

Old People

[Japanese voice-over] "Old People" PENN: Ah, the golden years.
They should be the best time of our lives, and maybe they will be if we can just get our tired old asses to Japan.
But here in America, we've turned our old people into a national joke, mocking them for the way they drive Old people, when they drive, they kinda aren't all there.
The way they smell Like, not like rotten milk, but like stinky, dried up, crusted milk.
And even the way they have sex.
The colloquialism is a hot dog down a hallway, you know? But is there possibly some truth behind these stereotypes? Tonight, we'll find out, with the help of a guy who rags on old people I think old people should be shot into space.
A bunch of fucking senior citizens, literally Seniors have sex.
A geriatric race-car driver Don't underestimate the old guys.
And an elderly couple who've found fame on the Internet.
May we live to 120.
Plus, we'll conduct one of our inappropriate "Bullshit" experiments to see, once and for all, if there really is such a thing as an "old person smell.
" [sniffs] Isn't science great? And then there's this guy.
I gotta go to the john.
Tonight's show is gonna be a little irregular, so park that walker, grab that snuggie.
We're going after that coveted 75-to 94-year-old demographic.
Tonight's show, it's all about old people.
Old Jimmy died.
He was 95.
Just as well.
It was time for him to kick the bucket.
You know, if-- Uh, excuse me.
You're never gonna get to the point.
Ahem, what he's trying to say is no matter what age we are, we all tend to perceive people who are about 2 decades older as-- Cut to the chase.
What our long-winded 55-year-old friend is trying to say is that we all look at anybody 20 years older than we are as-- Fuck you, grandma.
Anyone 20 years older than me is practically dead.
You have no idea what's-- Arr-aah! When I hear the words "old people," I think of smells.
Uh, I think of laziness.
I think of bitterness.
My name is Maddox, and I'm the creator of the Best Page in the Universe.
PENN: "The Best Page in the Universe" is a website on which Maddox, who is no spring chicken, spouts his predictable "angry middle-aged man" rants on just about everything.
He says his site has gotten more than 270 million hits.
So what's his biggest whiny-ass complaint about senior citizens? Old people smell really bad.
You know when you leave a bag of chips on the counter for a long time, like a couple weeks, and then you take a bite of that chip and it tastes old? That's what old people smell like.
We wanted to test his claim with one of our famous "Bullshit" experiments, so we called the Centers for Disease Control.
After they hung up on us, we got Moorpark Community College.
Next, we needed a female fitness expert to conduct our experiment.
We got a call from Kathy Ireland.
After we hung up on her, we found this woman.
Hi.
I'm Stephanie Jakowski.
I'm a group fitness instructor and a personal trainer.
Perfect.
For our test, we needed participants.
We found 6 volunteers-- 3 young and 3 old-- and we asked Stephanie to give them their first directive.
So let's hit the showers! It sounds like we're starting with the ending.
Nope.
The shower is an integral part of our evil 3-legged plan.
We get to watch strangers lather up, we satisfy Showtime's endless appetite for more naked people, and we eliminate all extraneous odors from perfumes, grooming products, deodorants, et cetera.
We're gonna invite some people off the street to smell our participants and, based on odor alone, determine whether they're young or old.
Quick.
Before these guys realize what they've signed on for, let's tackle myth number 2-- Old people have horrible sex lives.
Like, uh, when I-- when I think of old people having sex, I--I imagine a lot of loose skin, sweat.
PENN: So you do imagine old people having sex, and you jack off to it, too, don't you? It's disgusting when I think of old people having sex.
I don't know.
A lot of moaning, but bad moaning, not good moaning.
They're past their prime, and it's definitely not something that old people should do.
PENN: We are all on the old-age train, and maybe a little sex research now will pay off when we get to the station.
So we went out and found ourselves an average retirement community.
Hey, sonny, who are you, and how often do you get laid? I am Sonny Newman.
I get laid every day of the week almost.
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, and almost on Wednesday and almost on Thursday.
PENN: Notice he left the weekend out of that joke.
Sonny and his fellow retirees at the Michael Ann Russell Home for Seniors in Miami, Florida, agreed to talk candidly about their sex lives, as long as we put down a cheap blue plastic tablecloth first.
Weird.
We have sex.
If our children think we're not having sex, we're probably having better sex than they are.
In fact I could last an hour and a half when I was 70.
[Penn whistles] An hour and a half.
Or in geriatric terms, 1.
5 "matlocks.
" We asked these friends with benefits uh, medicare benefits, to share some hot, sexy details, like, "When was your last time?" Which, we realize, for some of you, could be your last time.
The last time I had sex was last night.
It was a couple hours of re--of cuddling and having sex and enjoyment, and it was very wonderful.
I had sex about a week ago with my husband, and it was very good.
[laughing] I don't remember.
I think it was 2 husbands ago.
[Penn laughs] Oh, that was a little creepy.
What's your favorite kind of foreplay? Uh, him being gentle to me and hugging me and kissing me and saying nice, complimentary things about me and to me.
Blecch, cuddling.
My favorite foreplay activity is lots of TLC.
TLC? I love that network.
Nothing gets my cock harder than watching "Hoarding.
" My favorite kind of foreplay is to watch a movie after we've showered together.
Something that puts you right into the mood to have some beautiful sex.
Now we're talking.
And you know what makes this even hotter? Talking about it in a broom closet.
So, what about you, Sonny? What's your favorite kind of foreplay? Sport? Foreplay! Oh, foreplay.
If I must say so, is cunnilinguism.
Sorry, I don't think I caught that.
Cunni-what? Cunnilinguism.
Moving on.
What's your favorite sexual position? What do they-- You know, I've forgotten what it's called.
Um The Lucky Lindy? The name eludes me.
The Charleston Chew? I--I have to pass on that one.
That's all right.
We'll come back.
Sonny? My favorite sex position is 69.
Nice.
Estelle, any luck? The 1869? My gosh, here's where a senior moment is entering.
The John D.
Cock-efeller? There is a name for it.
I pass.
Darn.
But still, Joyce and her showers? Sonny and his cunnilinguistics? So much for stereotypes.
These people seem to have pretty great sex lives.
- Ohh! - Ohh! Yeah! Attention, citizens.
Attention, citizens.
"Cunnilingus" is derived from the Latin for the female pudenda, "cunnus," which we recognize from its english cognate, "cunt," and "lingere," which in latin means "to lick.
" Thus, cunnilingus--the oral stimulation of the vulva.
I said, "vulva.
" Watch this segue.
I guess that covers old people and sex, but speaking of Volvos, what about the notion that old people shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car? Maddox, could you spout some more hack insults to rile our viewers? Old people are not good drivers.
Uh, old people are among the worst.
You know, step on the gas or get the fuck off the road.
They back into shit.
They don't realize how much little time they have left, so they should probably speed up their driving.
Young people, uh, they're full of crap.
Oren Prosser.
I'm old, and I drive race cars.
PENN: Oren is 70, and he's been racing sprint cars for 51 years.
Everyone else in the race finished in 40 minutes.
[drum rimshot] We went out on the track and spent a day with Oren to get a taste of his need for speed.
So, Oren, how fast are you? Impressive, but we meant behind the wheel.
OREN: There's a notion, uh, old people are bad drivers, but that's bullshit.
It's not how old you are.
It's, uh, how well you can drive.
You know, it's your ability to handle the damn car.
PENN: Nicely done, Oren.
You played down one myth while ramping up the myth of the cranky old guy.
You even got the name of our show in there.
You are fast.
Now get behind the wheel of that bad boy and show us what you've got.
Fuck! Oren, aren't you scared to go that fast? Everybody's scared, but you're-- It's a different kind of scared where you push the throttle more.
You know, it's an adrenaline pumper, I guess.
Oh, that's the same kind of scared to us, but you sound like every studly young adventure-sport dude, and you drive great, at least, on a circular track with no other vehicles.
I guess since we're a fact-based show, we have to admit that a lot of the elderly do drive slowly, but statistics show they're significantly less likely than drivers aged 16 to 24 to cause a fatal accident.
And in our book, the better driver is the one that doesn't kill you.
So much for that myth.
Meanwhile, back at our smell test, shower time is over.
What's next? [blows whistle] Here we go.
PENN: Basketball! Hey! Block out! You can't let that bitch go to the hole! Yo, grandpa's cutting backdoor! Little help! Yes! Denied on the outside! Take that shit back to the retirement home, motherfucker.
Whoo! Why the basketball? We needed to get our testees nice and sweaty.
What? That's proper.
The people we're testing-- Testees.
We got these volunteers off Craigslist, and tonight, they're gonna try to determine whether these perspiring players are young or old just by smelling 'em.
How many of you believe that there's such a thing as old-person smell? Raise your hand.
PENN: Okay, let me do the math.
That's about, uh, everybody.
What do they smell like? Uh, old people smell like a mixture between like, milk past its due date, um, eggs, and a fart.
Kind of like an old, musty feel, like dust almost.
Like some old men just kinda smell like-- like wet bus seats.
Nice work! PENN: With our 6 subjects sweating up a storm, we lined them up for our big test.
Our volunteers were blindfolded and ushered to our examination area.
Remember, they had no idea whom they were smelling.
Head up.
Good whiff? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
PENN: And now, after 8 seasons on the air, perhaps "Bullshit's" finest moment.
Get a good whiff? Mm-hmm.
PENN: Jesus Christ in a sweaty jock, how much did we pay these people? 50 bucks?! This shitty economy is great for reality shows.
Take a nice deep smell.
Lean in.
Beautiful.
So will our volunteers be able to smell whether these people are young or old? - We'll check back in a bit.
- Eww.
So what's behind all this slamming old people for the way they smell, drive, or have sex? Beneath it all is a fundamental lack of respect.
Let's face it.
There are a lot of people out there who think that old folks just don't matter.
Just ask Mr.
Predictable.
Young people are more vital, uh, to this world.
They're more relevant.
They can get more done.
I don't think that young people are more vital or relevant than old people.
I'm Alex Blagg, and I'm the executive editor of Celebuzz.
com.
There's this perception that--that old people are just set in their ways and that they, you know, they don't want to participate in the culture with the rest of us.
I think that that's-- that's tragic, and it's really unfair.
I mean, particularly with, you know, the popularity of Facebook.
You know, you're--you're seeing an older demographic that is really embracing that, using these new media tools to connect with people that they haven't talked to in 30 years.
Are we ready? I'm ready.
PENN: Need a perfect example? This is Carl and Shirley Stelman.
They've been married for 52 years, and it's what the two of them do together that makes them really interesting.
Anyone wanna guess what it is? Sonny? Cunnilinguism.
Uh, no.
I'm Lefty.
I'm Coco.
And we're stars of "The Coco and Lefty Show.
" This is "The Coco and Lefty Show," episode 13.
[playing harmonica] Yep, Shirley and Carl have created their very own comedy show on the Internet that draws thousands of visitors each week.
On the show, they do skits, read news parodies, and talk to their fans.
Shirley's stage name is Coco, after Coco Chanel, and Carl goes by Lefty, after the blinker he leaves on when he drives.
Heh.
Damn.
Even we're not immune to the stereotype jokes.
Well, I bought a computer with a webcam and, uh, turned it on, and first thing that came to mind was let's make a little show.
Now with some up-to-date weather news, let me give you Coco, our weather girl.
Coco? Yes, Lefty.
That's cute, but weird, but cute.
Either way, definitely not what you'd expect from someone irrelevant and set in their ways.
It's really like having fun, because if we wrote letters or even used the telephone, eh, we wouldn't be so interested, but having a computer makes it all possible and easier.
Oh, and then we have-- We now have fans.
Built a fan club.
Yeah, on Facebook? Or iBook, or was it I-iTunes? - On Youtube and on Facebook.
- On YouTube and Facebook.
We have fans.
Down the hatch.
PENN: Bottom line, there are thousands of people out there who are getting pleasure from whatever the hell this is, and Coco and Lefty are getting something out of it, too.
We know we have people out there waiting to watch it, and I want to make them happy.
We make one another happy doing it and that's why we do it.
Be seeing you soon.
Bye-bye now.
You don't see a lot of old pigeons around.
That's because when animals get old, they get eaten by predators.
That rarely happens to humans, you know, other than our buddy Roy, so we're faced with the problem of growing old gracefully.
I saw Frank Sinatra's last tour and loved it, but some people thought he should have retired earlier, that he was embarrassing.
Fuck that! If we worried about embarrassment, we wouldn't be in show business.
Look at us, for Christ's sake.
So we're sure as shit not worried about growing old gracefully.
Teller even looks forward to the day he needs a cane.
He thinks being old will justify the prop.
It won't, but that won't stop him.
So we're gonna be embarrassing ourselves as Penn & Teller till they pry the cheesy magic wands from our cold, dead fingers.
[cooing] It's a dead rabbit.
[coos] Hop, hop, hop, die.
[coos] Meanwhile, back at the gym, we're getting closer to the truth.
Maybe too close.
Oh, my God, that was horrible! Our testers are sniffing away, and as they go down the line, they're telling us whether they smell the sweet nectar of youth or the rancid decay of old age.
So I would say old.
Okay.
What did you smell? - Like dirty socks.
- Okay.
PENN: Oh, our mistake.
That's the blindfold.
9 other people have worn it before you.
I would guess young, just because my brother smells like that.
He's 15.
PENN: Mmm.
I smell emmy.
I'm going to go with-- - I'll go young.
- Okay.
PENN: Maybe younger than Methuselah.
- I'd say old.
- Okay.
Like vintage.
PENN: So, not so easy, is it? It's almost like I'm guessing at this point.
We know you're excited to hear the results of our test, but you're just gonna have to wait.
There's a serious side to this whole old people show.
We knew we had to buy you off with a couple of kooky septuagenarians, sex-crazed seniors, some wild racing footage, and a wacky smell test to persuade you to make time for Sheldon.
My diagnosis, uh, was done about 3 years ago as ca-- um, abdominal, or mesothelioma cancer.
So who knows if I got another year or less or more? I'm Sheldon Smith, and I believe in death with dignity.
PENN: Sheldon's particular type of cancer usually results in a slow and painful death.
Sheldon doesn't want any part of that.
I--I know how I wanna die, um, and that is without pain.
I've seen too many and heard of too many who just have excruciating pain at death.
My niece was one of 'em.
Um, so when I reach that point, by then, I don't see any purpose of living.
Uh, and the family pretty much agree with that.
When Sheldon's suffering finally becomes unbearable, he'd like to end his own life by taking a lethal dose of medication provided by a doctor, but that procedure, known as "aid in dying," is against the law in Sheldon's state of Connecticut.
Fortunately, people are trying to change that.
My name is Barbara Coombs Lee.
I'm the President of Compassion and Choices.
PENN: Barbara's organization is dedicated to expanding people's choices at the end of life.
She believes that aid in dying should be legal in every state.
If laws that empowered people with-- to make their own end-of-life choices were prevalent throughout the United States, I think that pe-- seniors would experience such peace of mind.
A lot of people call this assisted suicide, but not Barbara.
This is quite different.
This is no kind of suicide.
We're talking about people who are dying.
There's no question that they will die and they will die imminently.
They're looking for the least worst death, and that's a rational decision.
Okay with me.
PENN: But some doctors disagree, and in a question this complex, we really can't call them assholes, even though we want to.
I did not go into medicine to kill people.
Dr.
Ken Stevens, uh, oncologist in Oregon for 40 years.
Dr.
Stevens is part of a group called Physicians for Compassionate Care.
They think helping someone to end their lives is a blatant violation of the doctor's Hippocratic Oath.
I have said that assisted suicide is really doctor-ordered suicide, because a doc-- a prescription is a written order, so its really the doctor ordering you to die.
PENN: Yeah, I guess, but Sheldon doesn't care about those distinctions.
He says all he wants to do is die in dignity without suffering, but Dr.
Stevens doesn't think that's right.
It's called death with dignity, but I think in some circumstances, it's really death with vanity.
People don't want to go through a period of deterioration.
They want to die pretty.
They want to die handsome.
These have been very controlling people, uh, in many areas, and as they have controlled their lives, they want to control their death.
Maybe wanting to control your death isn't wrong, but we understand why Dr.
Stevens might see it that way.
And certainly, as a doctor, he shouldn't be forced to help people die.
But should we outlaw other doctors giving terminal patients the assistance they desperately want? It seems to go to the very heart of our democratic values.
I think it's fundamentally human to--to have a choice.
PENN: Sheldon, what are you planning to do if aid in dying isn't legalized in time for you? Well, I haven't really formulated that finally.
I got an idea, but I'd rather not share it.
We understand.
We appreciate you spending some of your all-too-valuable time with us.
You're in a terrible position.
Hey, position? Quick! Go back to that lady.
Monroe Cockring? No? Shit.
[melancholy piano music playing] End-of-life issues are rough.
70% of Americans are in favor of having the choice to end their lives should their suffering become intolerable, but it's only legal in 3 states.
I'm Teller's medical proxy.
He hasn't been doing well lately, and, really, in the last couple of minutes, he's taken--he's taken a turn for the worse.
It's a hard decision.
He asked me to do nothing to prolong his suffering.
I'm sorry, pal.
Don't struggle.
It's okay.
Love you, too, man.
Don't struggle.
"You're standing on my air hose.
" Hmm.
Odd last words.
All right, you've taken your medicine.
It's time to reveal the results of our old-people smell test.
When it came to identifying old people by smell, these guys really stunk.
Ohh! They were right just 56% of the time, which means, they'd have done just about as well flipping a coin.
Actually better, because then they wouldn't have been forced to stage this stinky "can't we all get along" shot.
- Cheers! - Cheers to that.
PENN: So what have we learned from all this? Well, I'm gonna let one of our testees do the talking.
People are just people.
At least as far as your nose is concerned.
I don't think old people are bad, and I don't think young people are bad.
You know, I-- I have people that I think are assholes, and they're of all ages.
Thanks, cranky pants.
Maddox, have you learned anything from this show? Old people had their shot.
They missed it.
Old people need to get the fuck out.
PENN: No.
You need to get the fuck out.
Bye-bye.
For us to just sort of say that, you know, old people have come and gone, let's sweep 'em under the rug, it would be a terrible mistake of ours as a culture, as--as human beings.
I think it's-- that it's unfair to deny them their essential humanity just because they've lived longer than us.
That's insane.
It seems that youth does can't imagine themselves a-as being old.
And if they live long enough, they'll all go through it.
And, uh, that seems to be forgotten.
I agree with you, honey.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh! I know! The Yankee Doodle Donkey? No? Fuck! I owe Teller 5 bucks.
Just about every culture in the world shows more respect for the elderly than we do in the USA, but Japanese immigration laws are pretty strict, so we had to change our retirement plans.
Since money's a little tight, we're moving to Serbia.
It's cheap, the scenery is great, and the--the Serbians are crazy for magic.
Teller, look up "old people customs.
" I love the outfits.
So--so comfy and flattering.
Oh, you got it? You got it? Oh, my.
"The legendary ancient custom of Lapot," according to T.
R.
Georgevitch in 1918.
"Lapot" is the practice of killing elderly family members once they become a financial burden on the children.
It's--it's carried out with an ax or a stick, and the entire village is invited to attend-- Fuck.
We gotta get out of here.
What's--what's the music? Where--ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ahh! Ow! Ohh! Ow! Ohh! Ohh! Get Teller, too.
[grunting] Good, good, yeah, get Teller.
I'll sneak-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Teller! Teller's still breathing! Go get him! Go get him! Aah! Sonny, anything you want to add? I'm sorry? I said, "Anything you want to--" Ah, fuck it.