People Just Do Nothing (2014) s05e02 Episode Script

Series 5, Episode 2

1 A cowboy will mess it up.
I'd rather you did it.
You get what you pay for.
Exactly.
That cost hundreds of pounds to do.
There we go.
Use some of this as well.
Good for soundproofing.
Looks like a candyfloss, isn't it? There we go.
Perfect.
Is that new, or is that? No, it's really old.
I found it in some bins, but it's still good.
Can you believe people threw this out? It smells kind of mad, though.
It'll dry out and it'll be fine.
Right, there we go.
So, what does Kurupt need? You know, we need a full studio revamp, you know? Kold FM, they had the dream studio for us, you know? It was a bit quite hi-tech.
But, now, we're going one better.
We're taking Kurupt into the future.
HE COUGHS Be careful.
It's quite toxic.
It stings.
Yeah.
HE COUGHS LOUDLY This is really going in my throat.
DRILL WHIRS It's making my eyes sting.
There we go.
Don't worry about it.
Lovely.
Look at that! Ahhhh, that's it! Andi Peters, do you know what I mean? It's all coming together.
It's looking sick, innit, Steve? Yeah.
HE COUGHS It's quite itchy, though.
HE RETCHES Don't worry about it.
Are you sure you want this one? Yeah.
The big one? Yeah, the big one, yeah.
I think I hear them.
Oh! Look.
Craig's taking the telly with him.
What are we going to watch? I think that's pretty much it, you know.
Is it? Yeah.
Craig, do you want to say goodbye to your room? No, let's just go.
Yeah? Yeah.
Look at him being brave.
Give me and your sister a hug, at least, cos we're not going to see you for three years, are we? Serious? Are you dumb? I'm not just staying there for three years.
What? What have I got to do to get rid of you? I nearly shat myself there! THEY LAUGH Will you miss Craig when he's at uni? So much.
Yeah.
So much.
Yeah.
I mean, I've had him for a bit longer.
So, I'm more ready for him to go.
Yeah, I haven't had him for enough.
He's taken before we've really had our time, innit? He's not dying, he's not Come on, Craig, let's crack on.
We need to get on the M25 before traffic starts building up.
I'm not going the M25.
Oh, is it? What route are we going, then? Can we stop at services? I love services.
They're like 45 minutes from here.
Say bye, you're going.
Uniiii! TYRES SCREECH Did you bring crisps? So how'd you do that? What're you two doing? Just showing me the new roundhouse kicks he's learning.
Ah, go on, then, Angel.
Come on, then, we need to go.
Right, let's go.
She's getting good, though.
Ah! You see? Come on, Angel.
Show him some moves.
Go on.
Hey! SHE LAUGHS Why are you doing those weird sounds? What're you doing? You all right? Just showing her, well, she's showing us karate.
Are you giving her a lift? Well, yeah.
Oh, great.
So I've got to walk to work.
Well, you can take them if you want.
No.
I'm banned from driving.
What? You don't even have a licence.
OK, then, so you can drive a car without a licence, can you? Well, no.
No, well, I'm banned from driving, then.
What did you want to talk to me about, anyway? Decoy's just put me in a foul mood.
Right.
No, we can just talk about it later.
Is it going to be hard to tell Grindah about Essex? Yeah, I've got to pick the right time to tell him, because I know he's not going to be happy about the move.
I've just got to do it sort of gently.
Just sort of, like, one word at a time, sort of thing, let him take it all in slowly, and then You know, cos it takes him a while to realise what's going on.
And then once he does, he will kick off.
All right, I'm going back to bed, then.
See you in a bit, yeah? Yeah.
Bye.
All right.
Right, shall we do it? Yeah, let's do it.
Yes.
Karate! All right, there we go.
Put that in there.
Are you going to finish the wall as well today? Uh? Are you going to finish the wall? The what? Yeah, that's done, mate.
Completed.
Oh, that's it? Yeah.
It's like that? OK.
Plug that in.
Right! It's been installed.
Welcome to the World Vide Ve Vorld It's a bloody tongue twister, isn't it? Internet.
Welcome to the internet.
Yeah.
OK.
First thing we need to do is to create a password.
Perfect.
OK.
So, yeah.
Create away.
Just say any word, basically.
OK, um All right, sick.
Er It can be anything.
I know, but there's too much choice now, innit? Like Any word Kurupt FM! All one word? Er, that's three words, isn't it? Fuck! Um Back to the drawing board.
What about just Kurupt? Kurupt.
Yeah? Yes.
Bang that in.
Oh, it says it needs a number.
Fuck's sake.
Um HE MUTTERS Like literally any number.
I know, Chabsy, but not many words have numbers! Carly, can you sit still, please, and stop pouting? You're not a glamour model.
Angel? Angel? Come here.
Come here.
Have you noticed that Carly thinks she's above you? What? I'm just saying.
She seems to think she's better than you.
You know, just in the car and stuff.
And, you know, now she's just walking off without you.
Hm? It's just something to think about, all right? Yeah.
Angel, are you coming? Yes, we can hear you, Carly! You don't need to shout! Yeah, I think Angel will be all right about the move.
I mean, she'll miss her little friends from school or whatever, which I'm thinking about, you know, as a good mum.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to sabotage her friendships as much as possible.
This arm and then that one.
Yeah.
Carly, can you stop that, please? You're actually putting Angel at risk by making her do karate when she's not properly warmed up.
What kind of friend does that, Angel? Hm? This is exactly what I mean.
THEY WHISPER HE LAUGHS Ah, here we go! Wait, wait, wait.
Secret, secret.
Kurupt FM 2.
0, or 3.
0, whatever.
Let's get in.
Are you ready for this? Yeah! This is a proper, proper change.
OK, you're going to love it! Ready? Yeah.
Welcome! THEY LAUGH Ta-da! What's different? It's What's that green shit? Green screen.
And look, a webcam.
Oh, OK, I get it now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, like Hollywood movie sort of shit.
Yeah.
I'm the main actor! Exactly.
Wait, check this out.
Look at the laptop, yeah? There's more?! And because it's green screen, I can change this to any background I want.
You're joking? This is the future! Sexy sunset, isn't it? Go on! I'm just going for a walk, it's really hot here! THEY LAUGH I love the beach! The future of radio is connecting with the people through internet.
World.
Yeah? Everyone in the world is watching this right now.
Really? This is broadcasting worldwide.
That's live, is it? John Paul, John Paul? Sometimes it's good to keep up with the times, so more people can hear you, do you know what I mean? Let more people in on my talent.
HE LAUGHS Oh, this is fucking sick.
Uni! It's like Center Parcs.
All this lecture stuff, it's all bollocks, innit, really? It's just a front to cover up what really goes down.
Just bare sex, really.
Ah! I'd love to stay and watch you smash bare birds.
That'd be weird.
Oh, Kevin really wanted to drop Craig off at university.
I think it's a bit of a rites of passage thing as a stepdad, you know? The only thing is, he hasn't got a car, so he's just getting driven to Egham by Craig and then he's getting the train back by himself.
Before we go in, let me give you these, just, er, so I don't embarrass you.
Check these out.
Condoms.
For fuck's sake.
Mint.
They're your mum's favourite.
Yeah.
HE EXHALES WITH EFFOR I don't go bareback any more, after the whole Robin incident.
Steves, where's the gel? I've got shower gel.
Yeah.
Is that this? Mint and tea tree? It's still gel, innit? Yeah.
That'll be all right.
Ah.
I've always been told I've got a face for radio.
Now finally everyone's going to be able to see it! Lucky them, eh? Right, I'm coming in, boys.
Actually, give me a countdown, give me a countdown! Yeah, let's do a countdown.
Ready? Three, two, one Go! # It's Steves and Grindah # Here to get you hyper # Push up ya, and push up ya lighter # Little kiddie, I be the bad boy fighter # And it's DJ Grindah # Here to get you hyper # So pass the mic and the lighter Little kiddie, I'll get you hyper.
You're locked into the sounds and the sights of the legendary Kurupt FM 108.
9.
Sick.
Listen, boys.
Right now, 14 people are watching across the globe.
14 people? That's like Mind-blowing.
.
.
double figures at least.
And there's probably people in the room with them as well.
So we're looking at triple.
17, 18 people, probably.
Early 20s.
I've got you lot in like a fish tank, yeah? Yeah.
So it's like sea everywhere, fish everywhere.
Ahh! I'm drenched! I'm underwater! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Put something sick like blocks or something like that.
Yeah, actually I've got some, I've got some tower blocks.
That's sick.
That looks really gangster.
I've got to see it.
Have a look, have a look.
Do we look sick? That's What're you doing? That's our blocks, you baithead.
Oh, right, OK.
I've got lots of stuff here, let's go through.
I've got beach, stock image, er No, no, no, wait Take that down, take that down! That's you! Oh, my days, that's him! That's Chabuds! Look, look! Boys, everyone, look! It's Chabuds! No, no! Bruv, that's disgusting! LAUGHTER Oh! Look at his nipples! Oh, my days! Oh, my days! They're like black golf balls! He's tied to the bed! No, no, no! That's not me! LAUGHING He's tied to the bed! SHOUTING: That's not me, all right! OK, mate.
Are you a fun couple? Oh, yeah, we have a lot of fun, don't we? We do, yeah.
I mean, er, dress up as well, you know? Yeah.
I dress up sometimes as sexy kebab shop man who gives you food poisoning and must be punished.
And the Uber driver.
Oh, yeah, Uber driver with a low rating who takes wrong turn and he must also be punished.
The other ones, the other ones, tell him.
Illegal immigrant who gets caught and He needs to be punished.
Yeah.
Basically, it always ends up with me having very painful punishment sex.
Yeah.
He loves it.
Yeah.
Listen, anyone out there who wants to do things in their personal time, that's fine.
Do you know what I mean? Just don't bring it to work, if you please.
Not on my watch! Stay in your little cages.
All the gimps out there, yeah? I sees you! The G stands for gimp.
Yeah! So, this is your floor, yeah? I see you, yeah.
Oh, wow, yeah, this is, this is a bit you this, innit? It's bigger than your old room.
Yeah.
Nice! Did you bring the milkshake stuff, yeah? Yeah.
Still bulking? What course are you doing? Leisure and tourism.
Sick.
What's that, like how to chill out on holiday properly? Yeah.
Well, if it was that, he'd be fine, wouldn't he? See what the bounce back's like on this.
ROCHE: It is really nice to see him take a bit of responsibility for himself.
Pretty good.
Do you want to try? Going away, getting a job, eventually.
Well Yeah, he's growing up.
It's been a beautiful thing.
Watching Craig blossom into a man is like watching a flower blossom in the summer.
Do you know what I mean? No, I don't.
You are literally going to have sex there.
What? Imagine that.
It's nice.
WHISPERS: Craig.
Craig? Bit of you, bit of you.
Shut up! All right? Emotional times, innit? Hm? Just saying, emotional times.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I suppose it is.
Yeah.
The halls seem nice, though.
Yeah, yeah, no, really nice.
I think my son Craig's taken a bit of a liking to your daughter.
Has he? Yeah.
So soon? Yeah.
wow! Yeah, he's a big lad, but he, uh, he goes hell for leather.
Yeah.
Oh.
Sorry.
He's not selfish.
Like, he'll make sure she has a good time before he HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE .
.
comes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I knew what you meant.
Yeah.
Cool.
I'm Kevin, by the way.
Martin.
Nice one.
MARTIN CLEARS HIS THROA Carly? Carly, calm down, please.
Angel, watch out.
This is what I told you, she's a psychopath.
Look at her! Are you all right, yeah? I'm fine.
Are you sure? Yeah, I just don't want Angel to be friends with Carly any more.
What? What's wrong with Carly? Shit, did I tell you what's wrong with her? She's, erm, I don't know, she's just I don't need a reason, do I? I'm her mum.
That's the reason.
Go for her face! The face is the weakest point! Angel, hit her! Harder, Angel, hit her harder! Oh.
Yeah, I can see you.
Huh? I can see you.
You can see me? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
What am I doing now, then? Er Calling me a wanker.
That is Sick, isn't it? Yeah.
Do a middle finger.
What? Do a middle finger.
Middle finger? HE LAUGHS Oh! Craig's here.
He's loving it.
Who, Craig? Yeah.
He'll love this.
We've got Craig here, first on your unit.
You're getting shout outs as well.
Huh? No, just telling Craig he's getting a shout out.
Sick.
Yeah.
I'm going to have to shoot off, I'm doing a set.
All right, mate, speak to you later.
See you later, bye! Bye.
Oh! Great timing that, isn't it? Cos now you can hear my voice and see my face.
Even when I'm far away.
Yeah, great.
Yeah.
Kevin's definitely going to miss Craig, yeah.
He's really going to miss him.
You know, Craig's actually been pretty relaxed about the whole thing, but Kevin's a lot more needy at the moment.
The other day, I caught him stealing one of Craig's T-shirts out of the washing cos he said he wanted to still be able to smell him.
# Hit them with the bass, hit them with the bass line # Hit them with the bass, hit them with the bass line # Hit them with the bass, hit them with the bass line # Hit them with the, hit them with the # Hit them with the, hit them with the # Hit them with the, hit them with the, hit them with the, hit them with the Bass line! Fast track.
Fast track.
Sick, isn't it? What are the comments then? Inspire me.
All right, OK.
So there's three comments.
Yeah? Er, the first one is from Daniel and he just says hi.
Very classic.
I know someone called Daniel.
Yeah.
So, yeah, hold tight, Daniel, I sees you.
OK.
Who's next? It's Daniel again.
This time he's gone for hello.
He loves it.
Daniel, mate, let every else get a word in edgeways, please, mate, thank you.
That's all from Daniel.
Oh, my God.
Yeah? Look at this one.
Yeah? From Lucas.
He says, "Love from Denmark.
" Denmark?! Where even is that? There is no limit to Kurupt.
We're the type to be, like, in a desert with nothing, yeah, and we'd still transmit to the masses.
Literally, bruv, like.
Actually, who'd be listening in the desert, though? You still get people in the desert.
Who do you think feeds all the camels and that? Oh, yeah.
And Mad Max's lot are out there.
Exactly.
So Are they into garage? Well, they will be.
Exactly, once they've heard it.
Yeah.
OK, it's a Nordic country and a sovereign state, the southernmost of the Scandinavian nations.
Right.
Southernmost.
Cos I wasn't sure if it was one of the northernmost ones or It's confusing.
Very much like yourself.
Boys, we've gone worldwide.
Yeah.
We've gone worldwider! I can't believe we've gone global again! This is it! This is it! Go on! Like fucking Denmark first and then Spain! I was going to say rest of the world, but, yeah, definitely put Spain on the list.
Yes! There you are, girls.
I got you a blue one.
I know you like the blue.
Thank you.
When are you going Essex? I don't know yet.
What, Essex? Aren't you moving? Angel, what did I tell you? It's a secret.
Great, now, everyone knows because Carly can't keep her big, fat mouth shut.
Wait, so you're moving to Essex? Yeah.
Is Decoy spending a lot of time with Angel? Er Yeah.
I don't know.
I mean, it's nice for Angel to have a friend, and I approve of that friend.
So, no, it's not one of her annoying friends.
Yeah, no, it's good that she's got a friend with a car.
Cos a lot of her friends can't drive yet.
Can I just chat to you outside for a second? Uh-huh.
What's going on? Obviously, I was going to tell you, but I haven't even told Grindah yet.
So, I can't just go around telling everyone else, can I? Yeah, but I need to know.
Hold tight, all the crew locked in, locked on, yeah, make sure you get your comments in, and that.
Big all of yous lot up.
Throw your Ks out.
Yes, my man.
Check this.
Good set-up, yeah? What's going on here? It's green.
It's sick, innit? That's green And then But, wait, look at this.
Got you! Look, it's not just a blanket.
It's a green blanket, but look on the computer.
Yeah.
That's actually not there, that's a normal green blanket.
Check this.
Yeah, there's nothing.
Look at that.
But look at him.
It's a rave.
No, but look up, again.
It's different.
Nothing there.
Yeah, different.
But, then, look down there, because, why? What's in the background? Steves.
No, never mind that.
The curtain? So, if I did On there! Oh, but, here, it's a rave! Fucking mind-blowing.
MESSAGE ALER Oi, guys, new comment alert! OK, it says "This is shit.
" Oh.
There's always going to be negative stuff on the internet.
No, what little pussyhole said that? Unknown user.
Lucky for him.
I did clang some mixes and that, so Well, then, it's probably your fault, and they're probably talking about Steves.
Wait! There's another one! Another comment.
OK, go on.
Oh, God.
You know what? I think it's spam.
Listen, let's not read this out.
No, Tony, don't "Grindah's shit.
" That's it.
I'm shit, yeah? I'm shit? Well, then, I'm not doing this any more and you fucked it for everyone.
Tony, please.
I'm fine with criticism.
Because, like, there's no need for someone to criticise me, because I know I'm doing right, do you know what I'm saying? So, if someone tries to say shit, thenthey can fuck off out my face, do you know what I mean? You're You're definitely not shit.
Oh, shut up, Steves.
Your opinion means nothing.
Why Why do you keep asking? There's nothing wrong with me, so, why would I care? Yeah? If you think I'm shit, listen to Fantasy, then we'll see who's shit.
What What back drop do I have? Don't worry about it.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Peanut dust? Well, I'm just sending a bit of subliminal advertising.
That's not subliminal, that's across the whole screen, no wonder we're getting shit comments, left, right and centre.
Martin! Hello! Hey! Hello.
You going down to the car? Yes, just to get a few more bits.
I'm Craig's dad.
Nice to meet you.
You should meet Craig, Craig, come here.
This is Craig.
Hi.
How are you doing? All right? Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, connection, there, I saw that.
How are you settling in? Good, yeah, he's just unpacking.
Good.
You should see his telly, it's massive! Show her the telly! Well, they can get to know Get to know each other in their own time maybe Yeah, go have a look.
Have you got a flatscreen in your room? No, no, I don't.
Do you like TV or? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, he's got Freeview built in.
It's 48 inch.
Well, you're not far from each other.
No, no, roomies.
Cool.
Maybe mates.
Have you been into the kitchen, yet? No, we need to explore, so Come, let's go with them.
Come on, Craig.
Well, come on, then.
Told you.
I'm sick of this shit.
You don't have to come all the way with us.
No, we don't mind.
Decoy? Yeah.
You all right? Yeah.
I was gonna.
Huh? I was going to tell you.
Is it OK to keep secrets? Well, yeah.
I mean, sometimes you keep a secret to actually protect someone from the truth.
You know, sometimes, it's better to live, you know, in ignorance than actually know what's really going on and have your heart broken.
Fucking prick, making me smoke off and everything.
I'm going to get you a little beer as well, that'll cheer you up.
You don't think I'm shit, do you? No way.
Can you reply on that? Yeah, but you can use the camera.
No.
That doesn't have the same effect.
You want it? All right, cool.
Write it like a fucking man.
Fucking Mugging me off and that.
Stevie, can I have a quick chink-wank with you? I was just Yeah, yeah, no, I just want to ask you a question, really.
First of all, I want to come clean and tell you that geezer in the picture, that was me.
OK? No, no, And I want to ask you, what do you think of Carol? Do you think she's good for me? Carol? Er I don't know.
If it works, it works, you know what I mean? It works, it works.
It's all different strokes Listen, listen, the thing is, yeah, she does a lot of stuff to me in the bedroom.
She is very dominating.
Really? It's very painful.
She does a lot of kind of like gagging and Oh, God.
Liquid and spitting.
What's with all the spitting these days? I don't know, mate.
I don't get it.
You know what I mean? No.
I don't I mean, is that normal sex? Would normal people do that? I don't think so No.
Well, what should I do? Carry on doing it? I don't know.
This is why I stay clear of all the sex stuff, because I just It's all got Sort of Listen, mate .
.
a bit weird.
You've got the idea, OK? The last thing you ever do, keep it in your jim-jams.
OK, I will.
Sex is evil.
OK.
Thanks for the chat.
That'sweird.
What are you saying? "You will get salped?" No, slapped.
For fuck's sake.
OK, guys, just quickly, this is Craig's ham, I've labelled it.
So, please don't touch it.
I've also labelled his shelf, so there shouldn't be any confusion, all right? You can go now.
What about the house meeting? What house meeting? I've called a house meeting at eight o'clock, so we can have a few drinks, get to know each other.
Break the ice.
VOICEOVER: Oh, mate, I'd love to go uni, now.
It's sick.
There's bare chicks, there's bare weed, and you don't even have to do the work any more.
I thought you had to read books.
But, apparently, on the internet, you can just read a little paragraph and that's it! Standard! What, they've shortened the books? They've shortened the books, now, yeah, because people don't even like books.
You can even get an audia book where a brah reads it to you, like, so you can, literally just kick back, light a bifter, and the coursework writes itself.
Just go! It's getting embarrassing.
Just leave.
Doesn't want his old man embarrassing him! See you guys later, yeah? Enjoy! They're all well safe.
Craig, can I get a lift to the station? Craig? What background is it? War! We've got a war background.
Sick.
Don't point the gun at me.
All right, stay down in the trenches.
It's Bollywood! Desai! Desai! Desai! Desai! Desai! Desai! Desai! THEY LAUGH 30 people are watching, right now, that's amazing.
Decoy, you should join in, man, this is jokes.
Nah, allow that, that's bait.
I'm not putting my face on that.
He's got a good point, it is a bit bait.
That's why That's why the whole vibe's been off, actually.
Let's just put it back to how it was before.
What? But we've got so many people watching, though.
They're not They're the shit ones.
So, it doesn't count.
I think, yeah, as musical artists, we give fans a little bit too much credit, yeah? Cos, like, listeners shouldn't have voices.
That's why they're called listeners.
Wow, that's .
.
that's mad clever.
That's sick.
Yeah, that's sick.
No! It's so much fun! No, no, that's it, that's it now, he said it and he's right.
Decoy's announced it, and that's exactly what I've been thinking, yeah? It's brought out the worst in all you lot, yeah? Fucking I've never seen Fantasy be so arrogant and, sadly, we got to get rid of the webcam, that's that.
Do you think it's weird that speakers are called speakers? No, I don't.
Just, stop interrupting.
Yeah.
Cos they ain't even got mouths.
But, Tony, it's modern, though, everyone's using this, you know what I mean? It's the future, mate.
Like, it's live streaming, the cam girls, they use it.
Oh, right, what you're saying is, you want me to fucking put a bikini on, start shoving shit up my arse, only for everyone to not appreciate me and be disrespecting me in the comments? Not happening! Yeah, I don't want to do that, either, with my arse.
Yeah, nothing's been up my arsehole, ever, promise.
Good.
Glad we've cleared that up.
Good.
Just careful with it Just in case, actually Let me fuckingget rid of this fucking shit.
Right, don't smash the Come on, Steves, come on.
Let's get rid of it.
It was fun while it lasted, do you know what I mean? And there you have it, Kurupt FM officially broken the internet.
Good to be back to the old school, innit? Bit of a weird vibe, innit? It's normally Craig sitting there.
With his headset on.
Yeah, I'm going to miss Craig.
Still smells of him, as well.
I'll miss him just, like, being there, like, just his presence.
He's so warm, like, physically warm, as well, like.
I know.
Angel? Who you talking to? That better not be Carly.
So, Decoy knows about Essex, now, and, obviously, I've told Angel, and she was a bit sad, but she's ten, so she's always upset about something.
Also, it's great to tell Angel first cos her and Grindah often think the same way about stuff, so, it sort of like, she was the practice run and now it's time for the real one with Grindah.
I'd like to see you comment, now, you little prick, yeah? Yeah? Comments, yeah? Comments, yeah! Fuck the internet! Do you have any rules in the bedroom? No pain, no gain, know what I'm saying? Carol always says that to me.
Yeah.
No pain, no gain.
Yeah, as he's screaming I go Yeah, she gags my mouth, "Shut up, you piece of shit," and it's all part of our foreplay.
It's love, that's love.
It's love, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Where you been? Your Uber has arrived.
Get in.
Put this in your mouth.
It's too big, Carol.
Open your mouth.