Perfect Couples s01e01 Episode Script

STEPPING IN I They're those shoes.
They tone your butt.
You've got a lot of hot friends, but Josie's definitely the hottest.
I love your laugh lines.
Oh, honey, did you not see that we have diet? Did a teenage girl leave her iPod here? Was it good? Um God you were pretty.
the secret to the life you wanted it's all true someone's got to do it now we have the backseat working we've got proof all we need is you Hi, honey.
Hey, you're home.
Uh, yeah, my dinner got cancelled.
This is awesome.
I'm just a dude sitting at home doing nothing, sexy lady walks in? Let's go out.
I want to show you off.
Paint the town with my beautiful baby.
What happened in there? Honey, I wore that t-shirt to play tag football this weekend.
It's fine.
Um, do we have any more of that pizza from two nights ago? It's in the trash.
Inside trash or outside trash? 12 days, the two of us in Italy.
Maserati's flying me out for being the number one dealership in the state.
Aren't you the only dealer in the state? No one else even tries.
Honey, we should get going soon.
It's almost bed time.
It's, like, 2:00 in the afternoon.
Oh, well, we're getting on Italian time.
We don't want to miss out because of jet lag again.
Hey, guys, guess what.
Great news.
We're gonna buy a house.
- Hey.
- Really? You guys are getting married in a few weeks.
Are you sure you want to take that on to? This is not the kind of attitude I want from My new real estate agent? I'd do it myself, but conflict of interest, you know? Surgeon can't operate on himself.
What's wrong with your arm? We have bed bugs.
We do not have bed bugs.
We have an old copy of newsweek in the bathroom.
He reads a couple of articles.
Suddenly we're infested and he understands the genesis of the tea party movement.
There's a lot of anger out there.
That's a classic stress rash.
Big-purchase induced.
I see it all the time at the dealership.
Guy comes in, puts down 100k for a car, skin starts flaking, hair starts falling out.
And the men who buy my cars do not have hair to spare.
All right, Amy's on her way over to look at houses.
Um, let me talk to you about something here that's been kind of And I feel really shallow for even bringing this up.
No, I am right there with you.
I do not know what's going on with Isabella's hair.
There is a pattern emerging with Julia where she de-glams herself.
She's out all day dazzling clients, looking awesome, putting on a show for the world, but when she gets home, out comes the sweats and the makeup towel.
Like the world's getting the ten.
I'm kind of getting, like, a 6.
5.
So troubling, man.
I mean, comfort's great, but we must require excellence from each other, or the spark goes out.
Amy wears an array of sexy bras and underwear sets.
I return the favor by rocking tighty-whities and Western footwear.
I didn't realize it was excellence you were going after, but Ciao.
What is that? Italian greeting.
Total immersion.
You know what? It's nice.
What's wrong with this guy? Julia has given up.
David, in his total acceptance, has created a safe haven for her sloth.
How bad is it? Has she stopped sleeping in her nighttime jewelry? It's bad.
Sweat pants.
Makeup towel.
How's the bedroom? Is she applying herself, Dave? Does she create an environment of safe experimentation and support? She's your sister.
So I shouldn't be rooting for her pleasure? Can't wait to get to Europe.
So tired of your puritanical views of sex.
All right.
Um, I think I'm gonna talk to her about it.
You should.
Yeah, if it's important to you, get it out in the open.
But this is a tricky area.
You got to be delicate, you know? You stay positive.
Use words like "love" and "opportunity.
" And then there are words to avoid.
Lackluster.
Lazy.
- Defeated.
- Greasy.
- Mailing it in.
- Letting it slide.
Not what I signed up for.
What's up? Hey.
There she is.
Why don't you give me a little preview of tonight's duo? Bang.
Excellence.
Here it is.
Take a look around.
Let me know what you think.
That's it? That's your big pitch? Owned for the last 60 years by little Elizabeth Markoff.
This stunning craftsman, lovingly restored, will transport you to a simpler time.
Four kids and eighteen grandchildren have filled this house with laughter and taken advantage of the half bath added in 1983.
It's not a house.
It's a home.
Pass.
Pass? I love it.
Doggie door.
Really? You'd like to live knowing a tiny man or child could crawl into our house at any time? You're impossible.
You'll fall in love with anything.
Yeah.
It's a problem.
Hey, gorgeous.
What a day.
Oh, these tights.
Itchy and so sweaty, and so I just Let me get 'em Ugh.
Gross.
Can we talk? Rex, I can't sleep.
Will you tell me about some of the great things you did today? It relaxes me.
It was a good day.
Made a witty comment to a male Starbucks barista.
Not everyone does that.
What does it cost me? Made his day.
Oh, and I weighed in on Dave's relationship.
Thanks to me, he's having an open conversation with Julia.
She needs it.
I visited her at work today.
We were walking across campus Parents' weekend is so sweet.
Oh, I know.
What's yours majoring in? What? - Okay.
- Oh.
So what supportive thing did you encourage Dave to tell her? 'Scusi.
Abort, abort.
She got called old, Dave.
Mission compromised.
I repeat, mission compromised.
Aah.
So you'd like me to be hotter? No, no, no, not hotter.
You as hot as you are Longer.
So you're saying that I don't tart it up enough for you? No, that's not what I'm saying.
Nor am I saying that you're defeated.
Or that you've let it slide.
That last house was perfect.
It was near a school.
You know the sound of children's laughter makes me melancholy.
Dave, obviously, as our agent, you are available 24-7.
We need you to arbitrate.
We will be in your home office awaiting appropriate client snacks.
Butter cookies, cheez-its.
Okay? How about that Amy? Did you catch a glimpse of that cute little bra she had on? I suppose all women have access to those? Mission compromised.
Return to base.
I hope you're checking your voice mail.
These stupid bed bugs.
There are no bed bugs.
It's a stress rash like Rex said.
You're afraid of buying a house.
And do you know why? You're afraid of committing to a life with me.
Quoting Rex.
This is what you've been reduced to? That's a good point.
This is an opportunity.
I'm not being pretty enough for you.
I am wasting all of my "getting pretty" time making money.
Ugly money.
Honey, I'm not saying You know what? Maybe I should work less.
I think that's a really good idea.
Oh, shoot, but you know what? If I work less, then how are we gonna handle that shortfall of cash? You know what? You could work a little harder.
We don't even need to No, no, no.
This is good.
This is great.
Because while I am at the bra store, asking myself, "is this gonna do it for my hubby," maybe you could just be selling more houses.
Yeah.
Instead of leaving work at 2:00 in the afternoon with vance because the two of you haven't quote "bowled" in a while.
I'm gonna say something that's gonna upset you.
We need to see a couple's therapist about this.
Okay.
Put me in a bind.
If I act upset, I seem predictable.
But if I assent to your wishes, I appear to condone the dark arts of the social sciences.
I'm not going.
Oh, my God.
I take it back.
I don't even your 6.
5 is great, by the way.
A 6.
5? So you've given me a numerical rating.
Oh, neat.
So it's like a beauty pageant? Is there can I I was joking.
'Cause I well, thought it would make you laugh.
It was a bad you know, 'cause we're always making fun of people like that.
You know? Like, what if I was that guy? I just want to find a great house.
I'm not gonna settle.
I don't want to mail it in like Dave says Julia is.
Vance is in on the joke.
He's the one that, like It's probably more clever than funny.
You never answer your phone.
Last night I saw a Puerto Rico license plate.
Now this.
What's it gonna take, Dave? Just drive, man.
You got to stand up a little.
Just try no, put your feet on the ground.
- You're not - Almost there.
You shouldn't send friends to voice mail.
Well, you and Rex have been to couples therapy.
How did you get him to go? First time can be tough.
Tell me about the nature of your relationship.
This isn't a strip club, is it? You have to go see Dr.
Dahlquist.
She is a miracle worker.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- You will not believe what Dave is trying to pull.
I come home exhausted from 12 hours of work and he has the nerve to take issue with the fact that I like to put on my casuals and get a little comfortable.
You do get comfortable.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Stay in a ball gown and full makeup all night long? That makeup towel does get a workout.
Oh, come on, guys.
Where's my sex in the city bitch fest? Honey, we would love to sit here and rhyme things with labia, but this is about your marriage.
And you could stand to try a little harder.
What about feminism? What did our weird aunts die for? Let's not get hung up on principles.
This is about maintaining a standard for the couple.
Look, men will always do the bare minimum unless we shame them into more.
- And it's not easy.
- No.
I wear high heels all the time to look sexy.
It's weakening my ankle bones.
Do you have clicky foot? Stage five.
Oh, God, that's awful.
Yeah.
That's what it sounds like.
If I were a horse, they'd put me down.
Because I'm committed to my relationship, I never go number two in our house.
I have a gym membership solely for that purpose.
So somewhere between her and me is probably where you're gonna want to settle in.
Dahlquist, huh? I thought I knew all the other real estate agents in town.
She's supposed to be great.
And, you know, it's good we're giving Dave a break.
We're a lot to handle.
You know what I like about this place? There's no maps, there's no listings, you know? It's subtle, but the passion is clear.
This is a woman who was put on this earth to sell houses.
Yeah.
Welcome.
I'm Lindsay dahlquist.
Hi.
Vance.
What brings us together today? Uh, well, we're looking for a house.
Mm.
Big move.
That can be very stressful.
She's got a soft voice.
She's commanding my attention.
Uh, so here's the deal.
I love mid-century modern but before we talk about real estate issues, maybe we should talk about vance and why he has difficulty deciding things.
- What? - Let's explore that.
I don't think this is really about looking for a home.
I think this is about the two of you and Connection.
How's your sex life? Robust.
Tempestuous.
And we don't believe in taboos.
I appreciate your openness.
Yeah, I'm digging you too.
I can work with her.
- Interested in some post-work comfort? Sweat pants, makeup towel.
We didn't talk all day.
You left so early.
And there's a little bit of a radio silence on my apology emails? Although maybe I got the address wrong.
Is it still gorgeous love of my life at most special wife dot com? Honey, I am so, so sorry.
I it came out the wrong everything about it was stupid.
I'm a shallow bastar Here's your ten.
Oh, my Now earn it.
What? I'll be waiting downstairs.
Make yourself pretty, and show me the night of my life.
Bang.
I was this height when I was in fifth grade, and the doctors told me that I would be seven foot one, and I think Well, I think that's I think that's why I'm so adamant about the house having having high ceilings.
I can't help but notice you've made several very specific real estate digressions.
Well, that's vance, you know? It's his job.
It's his identity.
It probably has to do with his parents' divorce.
Maybe we want to explore that? Well, you know, my dad left when I was eight, and I think that's why I throw like a girl.
And you know what? I think you should show us some houses.
I'm sorry.
You want me to show you houses? I mean, you're a real estate agent.
I'm a therapist.
Slash real estate agent.
I was led to believe.
No? That's a what? Amy, what the hell? You're sick.
You have a crippling fear of commitment, and you need help.
You doubted me and you've deceived me.
That's the double d.
See? Here's his obsession with big breasts.
Stop revealing things to her.
And you.
I opened up to you 'cause I thought you were a licensed real estate agent.
She really said that? Yeah.
And she wants the night of her life.
And it has to be with you? Yeah, it has to be with me.
What are you? I got your call.
Sorry.
I was busy being the victim of Amy's emotional terrorism.
Uh, Julia wants a night? She turned the tables on him.
Oh, she's good.
We should have seen this coming.
What are you wearing? What do you think of this tie? It's awful.
It's nothing.
That tie is a non-swing.
Vance, I'm so glad you're here.
It's been like this the whole time.
What about bowtie? No.
It promises an intelligence you won't be delivering.
And picture it around that huge neck.
It'll be like you're giving her a stump as a present.
All right.
No, we're finally talking about the neck.
Do lovers carve their initials in it? Do vermonters tap it for syrup? Okay, you're done.
Where are you gonna take her? - Julia's, you know, she likes authentic, simple low-key.
Don't be cheap, man.
Cafe Pierre.
Dave, that was uncool.
Don't shut me down like that.
I'm staying with him.
Amy issues.
I didn't want to burden you.
Rex is not a great listener, but the gelato here is sick, right? Take her to cafe Pierre, get the tasting menu with the wine pairings, give the waiter a $50, and get a nice table.
I don't know.
Now it feels like we're making a big production out of it.
Are we putting too much pressure on this? No, Dave.
Stakes couldn't be higher.
Will you be able to reclaim your magic, or have you slid too far and lost it forever? Ciao! So do you have room for dessert? Put that away, sweetie.
It's all taken care of.
Happy Birthday, madame.
Thank you.
I love when we pretend it's my birthday.
To my perfect ten.
Oh, that means a lot coming from a perfect ten.
Thank you.
You know what, baby? We are great at this.
Yeah.
There's no reason why we can't just do this all the time.
This is the new us.
I like it.
"L" is for the way you look at me "o" is for the only one I see "v" is very, very extraordinary "e" is even more than anyone that you adore can love is all that I can give to you love is more than just a game for two two in love can make it take my heart and please don't break it love was made for me and you Oh, my God.
I just want to go to bed, man.
We ask one thing of our guests.
Stay nine hours ahead of Pacific Standard Time.
- And we have a very strict Rex-only nude policy.
Don't let the old lady rattle you.
There's some wiggle room.
- Vance.
- Amy? I'm so sorry I doubted you.
The bed bugs are real.
I'm covered in them.
- I told you, I'm not a commitment-phobe.
I'm just a picky jerk.
Dahlquist, you've done it again, you magnificent bitch.
Cognac? Oh, don't mind if I do.
Another magical evening.
- I hate this.
- I hate it more.
I'm so tired.
I have so many hooks digging into me to make this look work.
So do I.
It is really hard being a ten.
I'll race you to a four? Wait, wait, wait, though.
Are we sure we want to do this? Because we did kind of fall into a rut before.
But now we know we can be tens whenever we want.
So let's do it.
Like, once a month.
The tenth of every month.
We'll call it the tens on the tens.
In the meantime You get your makeup towel.
And release that neck from your collared prison.
Oh, and let's get pizza! Hey guys! Sorry to barge in at seven in the morning.
- Mama, two more for dinner.
- Oh more manicotti.
I don't really know what this is, but I'm not one to say no to morning wine.
Well, we have a little bug situation all of a sudden.
Yeah, apparently they jumped off of your clothes and into our house.
You guys mind if we crash here? You're family, where else are you gonna go? Sit, sit.
Mangia, mangia.
- You have any cereal or anything? - Just go with it.
Nobody likes the "Ugly American"