Perfect Strangers (1986) s01e02 Episode Script

Picture This

Yeah? If you'd watch where you were going you wouldn't fall down.
Give somebody a white cane, they think they own the sidewalk.
Hi, Mr.
The handicapped harassing you again? Boy, Chicago is a big place.
If I walked as far on my little island of Mypos as I just walked I'd be drowning in the ocean right now.
I'm so lucky to be here.
You're so lucky the Statue of Liberty didn't wave you away.
Where have you been? Well, this nice little lady bought a televisiĆ³n set.
And she said to me, "Would you take this to my house?" And I said, "Of course," because it's only 93 blocks.
And And so, when we got there, I had to hook up the antenna which was on the roof.
And I got up on the roof, and it was covered with pigeons.
And they were coming toward me because they want to peck me.
And then they come and sit on my neck, and I don't like that.
And then the old lady had to come up and drag me off the roof like Tippi Hedren.
But the TV works like a charm.
What, uh? What TV did she buy? Oh, not one from here.
It's obvious in his country, cousins can marry.
Balki, that little old lady took advantage of you.
Every panhandler on the block knows you by your first name: Sucker.
You gotta stop being so nice.
Okay, you're right.
I'll never be nice again.
Let me get that for you.
I'll get it.
Ritz Discount.
Oh, hi, Gus.
You're kidding.
Gus, this means a lot to me.
Cousin Larry, you were nice to that person on the phone.
I hope he didn't take advantage of you.
I finally got a break.
I got a tip from a friend who works at the Wycliffe Hotel.
Dolly Parton is staying in town secretly.
Dolly Parton.
I love her.
Balki, sit this one out.
If I can get a picture of her before anyone knows she's in town it'll show the newspaper editors I've got what it takes to be a crack photojournalist.
Cousin Larry, you know, someday, I'm going to look at you and say: "That's my cousin, Larry Appleton, the best photographer in the worid.
" And do you know why? Because you're cracked.
Are you crazy? Door three.
- Door number two.
The car is behind door number two.
Cousin Larry, did you get the picture? I got to the hotel just as her cab was pulling away.
I jumped into another cab and said, "Follow that car.
" And in case you're wondering, they don't do that.
You've had a busy day.
I gotta get this picture.
I found out why she's staying under an assumed name.
She checked into a room with a man who is not her husband.
This is a sure sale.
If he's not her husband, what's he doing in her room? Balki, she's having an affair.
Dolly Parton wouldn't do that.
Maybe it's her brother.
Well, there are newspapers who'll buy a picture of them, whoever he is.
What if they don't want their picture taken? They don't.
That's what makes newspapers wanna buy it.
Well, don't you think you're stepping on her privacy? Look, Balki, in America, a famous person gives up their right to privacy.
And if I'm gonna make it as a photojournalist it's gonna take a lot of talent and luck.
I've got the talent, and Dolly Parton is my luck.
You want to get lucky with Dolly Parton? Well, uh, that's another conversation altogether.
What I'm saying is that people have a right to know about every aspect of a public figure's life.
Taking a picture of Dolly Parton is photojournalism? Well, it's the photo part.
The journalism will have to come later.
How you did that? It's a pop-top can.
Haven't you ever seen one of these before? Of course I have.
Don't be ridiculous.
I did it.
Now how do I close that? Oh, hi, Linda, I forgot you were coming.
Oh, well, I hope you're still gonna be able to look after Gorbachev.
You're the only one he doesn't try to kill.
Well, I'm flattered.
Now, remember, he likes to be walked at 10:00.
If you wait too long, it'll be an experience you'll never forget.
Ten it is.
Maybe 9:30.
Well, thanks a lot.
Hope I can return the favor somehow.
Well, I'm sure we can think of something.
My flight gets back Tuesday.
- Yeah, okay.
- Bye-bye.
Great, just what I need.
I'm babysitting for the Hound of the Baskervilles.
Come on, Gorbachev.
If you're good, we'll feed you a mailman.
Yeah, good boy.
Yeah, good boy.
Okay, stay off the bed.
Yeah, all right.
Stretch out.
Let me ask you something.
Linda just gave you a big dog to take care of.
Isn't she taking advantage of you? Well, there's a difference.
See, I'm letting her take advantage of me in the hope that it will help bond our relationship.
You want to bond with her? Well, she is a stewardess.
- Whoo.
- Oh.
What are we talking about? I'll explain it some other time, huh? I thought you were going to your citizenship class.
Well, I'll make it up on Saturday.
I'm sewing Mr.
Twinkacetti's pants.
You're sewing Twinkacetti's pants? Sure.
You want me to sew something for you? There you go, letting people take advantage of you.
You've got to learn to say no.
- I can't say no.
Balki, would you shine my shoes? Sure.
- There, see? You did it again.
You've gotta stand up for yourself.
Sit down.
Just say no.
- No.
I'm sorry.
No, don't say you're sorry.
It takes the edge off.
Now, come on, try it again.
Balki, would you please shine my shoes? It would help if you didn't say "please.
" Say it.
- No.
No, I won't shine your shoes.
- Good, keep it going.
I would not shine your shoes if my life depend on it.
Would you get me the mustard? - Oh, sure.
You tried to trick Balki.
No shoes, no mustard.
Good, huh? - Very good, I'm very proud of you.
And you'll never do this again.
- Never again.
I'll get it.
You bet you will, buddy.
This is fun.
Hello? They did? When did they leave? You're the greatest, Gus.
Balki, Dolly Parton just went for a walk with the guy she's with.
I gotta hurry if I wanna catch them.
Do me a favor.
Take Gorbachev for a walk at 10, okay? Balki? You want me to walk the dog? - Yes.
Don't be ridiculous.
No, no.
Now, Balki, Balki.
Now, I am desperate, I am in need.
Aren't we all? - What? No, no.
Balki, this is not a test.
I repeat, this is not a test.
I am begging you.
No way.
I'm going to my citizenship class.
- Balki, you can't do this to me.
Who do you think you're talking to? Somebody nice? Ha! Come here, Susan.
Look this.
Hello, Cousin Larry.
Hello, Susan.
- Hi.
Larry, why aren't you talking to Balki? I only talk to my friends.
All I know is last night, he taught me how to say no until I was very good at saying no.
And then I said "no," and he got mad.
That's not quite what happened.
I had the chance to get an exclusive photograph of a famous person.
It was the most important opportunity of my life.
And all he had to do was take Gorbachev for a walk.
But no.
Gorbachev? - A dog the size of a Buick.
The point The point is, I had to take the beast with me.
When I got close enough to take the picture, she saw me and took off.
Gorbachev took off after her, dragging me behind like a rag doll.
I tore my clothes.
I sprained my ankle.
I would've been dragged to my death if Gorbachev hadn't met a stray poodle who was coming off a bad relationship.
All because of this person, who I am not talking to.
Did you like Mypos food? Cousin Larry, I don't know what you want.
I cook all day for you and still you're not talking to me.
You told me to say no.
I'll make an exception just to say this.
I don't wanna talk about it.
You know, now you're making Balki mad.
You know, I can pout too.
Pouting was invented on Mypos.
You haven't seen pouting until you've seen the Mypos Kiss of Silence.
Okay, wise eyes, you're asking for it.
I now put on you the Mypos Kiss of Silence.
Don't you ever, ever do that again.
Hello, Gus.
No, he's in the bathroom, not talking.
What? What is that about Dolly Parton? Oh, my cousin, Larry, would love to hear that.
Dolly Parton.
Who was that? Was that Gus? Did he say something about Dolly Parton? Did he say she was going out? Well, what do you think, huh? I'm not smart enough to call the hotel and find out what he said? You're not dealing with a dimwit here.
Gus went on his break.
Balki, I'd like to apologize.
I was wrong, I'm sorry I pouted.
Now tell me what he said.
Balki, I apologized.
You didn't mean it.
Of course, of course I meant it, Balki, cousin, friend.
You know, on Mypos, we have a way of showing an apology is real.
Tell me.
I'll do it.
Well, first you pluck a chicken.
Okay, we skip the chicken.
The important part is the groveling.
I can grovel.
The sorry person says, "I am dirt.
I am the sweat of a pig.
I am sorry forever.
" But it better be convincing.
I am dirt.
I am What? What? What? What? It's not groveling unless your head is lower than mine.
I am dirt.
I am I am dirt.
I am The sweat of a pig.
- The sweat of a pig.
I've got it, I've got it.
I am sorry forever.
There, is that good enough? It's just not the same without the chicken.
Balki, Balki, please.
Oh, I forgive you.
Now we're happy because we're friends again.
So we have to do the Dance of Joy.
All right, good.
Now, tell me what Gus said about Dolly Parton.
She's on the plane to Nashville.
- No.
Just kidding.
Cousins should joke more.
- Yes, yes, they should.
Now tell me what he said.
She's in the lounge, with the man that I'm sure is her brother.
The lounge.
Can I come with you? - Okay, okay.
Just don't do anything that will attract attention to us.
I wanna get close enough to get the picture.
You won't know I'm there.
- Great.
Can I say, "Watch the birdie"? - No.
Why can't I say, "Watch the birdie"? It's so dark in here.
You can't even see your own nose in front of your face.
There she is.
Oh, no, he's leaving.
I've gotta get a picture of them together.
Don't you see what's happened? She's just told him that they can't go on like this.
She's going back to her husband because she's a good person.
And now no one will ever know that they came here together.
Until you take a picture of them, and then her life is ruined.
What are you doing? - I can't let you take advantage of her.
I don't think it's right just because she has a public figure.
Balki, give me my camera.
- No.
Good, huh? Let's be adult about this.
Give me my camera.
No, no, no.
Don't Would you stop? Look, there, see? He's come back.
She's not going back to her husband.
They are going to Mexico to live in sin.
Now, give me my camera.
Balki, get out of my way.
- No.
I can't let you invade her privacy.
Run, Dolly, run.
That's him.
That's the man that's been following me.
Somebody call the police.
You're not Dolly Parton.
- She's not? But I was told You're not Dolly Parton.
Why you been following us all over town? You scared my wife half to death.
- I did? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
I just wanted to get a picture of a famous person committing adultery.
I am dirt.
I am the sweat of a pig.
I am sorry forever.
Why couldn't I see what I was doing? Well, because it was very dark at that hotel.
I was willing to destroy a person's reputation by selling a picture to a sleazy newspaper just to get my career started.
Well, I tried to tell you that, but you wouldn't listen.
You tried to tell me that, but I wouldn't listen.
I have no integrity.
- Of course you do.
You're full of it.
What is integrity? Refusing to sell out to get where you wanna go.
If I wanted to be a photojournalist with integrity what made me think I could start out this way? Cousin Larry, when a person learns something about himself that makes a better person.
I learned I was a sleaze.
But you can build on that.
In my country when somebody learns something about himself that is not good then he changes that.
That means he has what you call integrity.
You should be proud of yourself.
I'm proud of you.
- Yeah? Well, that makes me feel better.
A little better.
Do me a favor.
Lock up before you go to bed, okay? Now, cousin, it would make me happy to do something for you because you are my friend.
But if I do that for you are you taking advantage of me? No.
What I meant about that was if you wanna help people, you should.
But you shouldn't do it because you feel you have to.
I understand.
What a wonderful day we've had.
You have learned something, and I have learned something.
Too bad we didn't learn it sooner.
We could have gone to the movies instead.
Cousin Larry? - What? Good night.
Good night, Balki.