Perfect Strangers (1986) s01e04 Episode Script

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

That's the last one.
One more and we would've had a perfect pyramid.
Why don't we use this one? - No, Balki, no.
What? Perfect.
Obviously, you don't know the first thing about physics.
Morning, gentlemen.
And I use the word incorrectly.
Good morning, Mr.
Oh, look what you got.
You lucky son of a goat.
It's my driver's license.
I just got it renewed.
Oh, to get an official document like that must make you so aroused.
Come to think of it, I wonder when mine's up for renewal.
Oh, it's a wonderful thing, a driver's license.
I don't have a driver's license.
And I want to thank you both for letting me hang out with you anyway.
What are you talking about? - Your driver's license.
Your membership card to the American dream.
Balki, it's only a driver's license.
Only a driver's license? Is the Lincoln Memorial only a building? Is Mount Rushmore only a chunk of stone? Is Merv Griffin only a talk-show host? Well, it's hard to argue when you put it like that.
Didn't you have a driver's license back in Mypos? Well, we only had one car.
Well, my family only had one car.
- My country only had one car.
Which is a good thing, because they let the guy with the brain drive.
Twinkacetti, Balki could get a driver's license.
I could? - Sure.
Don't be ridiculous.
I am not born in the U.
Well, that doesn't make any difference.
You can still get a driver's license.
You're teasing Balki.
- No.
It's no big deal.
All you need is someone to teach you how to drive.
Will you teach me? - Well, sure.
I'm your friend.
In your car? Uh In my car? Uh, Balki, I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? Well, Balki, a man's car is not just a piece of machinery.
I mean, my car is very special to me.
Why, I spent years saving nickels and dimes so that I could I mean, it's not that I don't trust you.
It's just that, uh Well, see, uh How can I say this? You don't want it driven into the side of a building.
That's it.
Well, that's not entirely it.
Face it, we both know the yo-yo can't get a license.
Well, that's not true.
- Fifty bucks says he can't.
I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Translated, that means your pal doesn't think you can do it.
He can do anything he puts his mind to.
Put your money where your mouth is.
All right, you got a bet.
And I'll teach him in my car.
You will? - Did I say it? Yes.
- Damn.
You're on.
It's gonna be like taking candy from a baby.
I haven't done that in a while either.
My very own driver's license.
I can't wait to hit the highway.
I volunteered my car.
Please, God, tell me I didn't make a mistake.
Was that a yes or a no? Cousin Larry, I have been looking at the manual.
The manual? - The driving manual.
Oh, the driving manual.
Well, you can't study that too much.
Well, I have read every day for a week.
- That's good.
You said when I have read the manual and memorized the rules you would give me my lesson in front of the wheel.
That's behind the wheel.
And see? That's what I'm talking about.
You don't even know which side of the wheel to be on.
But you promised to teach me.
I know, I know.
I just was hoping we could wait a little longer.
At least until my car depreciates another year.
A promise is a promise.
All right, come on.
Now, let's pretend that this is my car.
Oh, poh-poh.
You don't trust me in a real car? I think we should get some practice before we get into an actual moving, life-threatening motor vehicle.
Now, get in the car.
Don't you ever, ever do that again.
What? - You slammed the door.
Well, it's a little hard to remember when you're driving a coffee table.
You got your steering wheel, your brake, gear shift, accelerator.
Make sure it's in park and start it up.
Cousin, there's nothing here.
Don't you think it would be easier in your car? Easier for you, not for me.
All right, look, I'll build you a little driving simulator.
This is your gear shift the frozen broccoli is your accelerator and the grapefruit is your brake.
Now, it's in park, so just start it up.
Did you give me the key? What are you doing? - Sunglasses.
Buckle up.
- Start the car.
Now, put your foot on the brake.
On the brake, the grapefruit.
Now, put it in drive and slowly, slowly, give it a little broccoli.
And just pull out into traffic.
Now, we're cruising down the street.
A little broccoli, a little broccoli.
Okay, not so fast.
Not so fast.
There's a lot of traffic.
This window too much on you? It's fine.
Now, what I'm gonna do is throw a few emergency situations your way, okay? Is that all right? Good.
Look out! - Aah! Now, that's rule number one.
The driver never ever covers his eyes.
Why you did that? - A school bus pulled out in front of you.
I didn't see a school bus.
How can you miss a big, yellow bus with large flashing lights? Well, I was busy avoiding the runaway baby carriage.
What runaway baby carriage? What school bus? I don't understand this game.
All right.
Okay, Balki, if you're not gonna take this seriously, there's no point in teaching you.
I'll do better.
- Okay.
I think we should take a few more practice spins around the living room before the accelerator defrosts.
And if you don't hit anything, we'II, uh We'll go for a ride in my car.
Oh, thank you, Cousin Larry.
And don't worry, I'll be careful.
- Okay.
I'm turning right now.
- Signal.
Signal! Next time, buckle up.
It's the law.
Balki, what happened? I had an accident in Cousin Larry's car.
Oh, no.
Was anybody hurt? Unfortunately, I lived.
Seven, eight, nine, 10.
Larry, what happened? Not now, I'm counting to a thousand.
- What happened? What happened? What happened? He is what happened.
We were practicing parking at the supermarket when all of a sudden this runaway shopping cart came hurtling across the lot.
A shopping cart? - A hurtling shopping cart.
I told you to hit the brake.
- Yes, but you confused me.
You keep shouting, "Hit the grapefruit, hit the grapefruit.
" And I cannot remember is it brake or gas, the grapefruit.
Couldn't remember? It's the brake.
It's the brake.
Grapefruit is the brake.
Who doesn't know that? The point is, the cart plowed right into my front fender.
Oh, cousin, I know you never can forgive me.
I was a fool to think that ever I could have a license like a real American.
Now, I never will be a real live cousin of my Uncle Sam.
Balki No.
I am the lowest form of life.
I am a car butcher.
According to Mypos custom, I have to go far away and cover my face in shame.
I hate these old customs.
Balki, I'm sorry.
It's just that it's my car and it's your fault.
No, no, no.
I mean, I didn't mean to say that.
I overreacted.
I owe you an apology.
I'm sorry.
I was more concerned about my car than your feelings.
No, you were right.
I am a lowly immigrant who dared to dream.
Don't talk like that.
I don't deserve a driver's license.
I don't even deserve a library card.
I would probably be arrested for speed reading.
Things don't always come easy.
It wasn't easy for you to pack up and come to America.
You found me.
You found a job.
You found a place to live.
That was tough.
And you're not a quitter.
You know why? I give up.
Why? Because you were born with the desire to make yourself better.
That's why you came to America.
Hanging in there is part of what the American spirit is all about.
When you fall off that horse, you've got to climb right back on and show it who's boss.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Never say die.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
You mean if I live in a glass house, I must not throw stones.
Yeah, uh You can fool some of the sheep all of the time but you can't fool some of the sheep all of the time.
Yes, yes, yes.
Whatever works for you.
The point is I don't want you to lose your confidence.
I believe in you.
And to prove it, I want you to go out there this afternoon and use my car to take that test.
Cousin Larry, you'll let me use your car again? Yes.
Cousin Larry, Dimitri if you trust me that much, I'll do it.
I'll get back on that horse.
- You bet you.
I'll show it who's boss.
- That's the spirit.
Cousin Larry? - What? Let go the key.
- I'm trying.
I'm really trying.
Nervous? Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
You know that manual backwards and forwards.
Backwards? - It's a figure of speech.
There's one question I have to ask you.
- Yes.
If four persons come to a four-way stop at the same moment and the man on my right has the right of way, who goes first? Because everybody has somebody on his right.
That's why you buy insurance.
- Thank you.
I'm very nervous.
The people here are very, very nice.
Well, come on.
I don't have all day.
Hey, you lucked out.
You got a good one.
Okay, your first name is spelled B-A-L-K - K-I.
Balki Bartokomous.
Current address, 6 - 627 Lincoln Boulevard.
Your place of birth? - Mypos.
It's a Mediterranean island.
Who's this, your ventriloquist? No, this my Cousin Larry.
You, see the eye chart? Yes, I see it.
Boy, that was an easy test.
Cover the left eye, please.
Your left or my left? Your left.
My right.
Take your hand off my face.
Read the first line.
" Cover the other eye.
Uncover the left eye.
Lucky break.
I couldn't see a thing.
What's the last line you can read? "Copyright l963.
Printed in Hicksville, New York.
" By somebody named "Pat Pending.
" Okay.
I'll give that to you.
You see, Larry? I passed the eye test.
See? All that studying paid off.
Here's your written test.
Over there.
All right, now take your time.
Some of these questions can be tricky.
Uh, excuse me.
Cousin Larry, you're getting on my nerves.
I'm sorry, it's just that getting a driver's license is very important to him.
It's kind of a symbol of - Park it over there.
Yes, right.
No problem.
I know you live with a lot of stress.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I have finished.
Finished? How could you be? - I knew all the answers.
Excuse me, I think my friend here may have made a hasty act here.
Cousin, cousin, relax.
I may be nervous, but I know my g's and u's.
That's p's and q's.
- I didn't know that.
Okay, one wrong.
One wrong? One wrong, Balki, that's great.
I got one wrong? - Only one.
That's fantastic.
I got one wrong? - It's okay.
You passed.
You must have made a mistake.
Look, you're allowed seven mistakes.
You passed the test.
I demand a recount.
No, Balki.
Balki, let it go.
Well, what do you know? He's right.
A perfect paper.
I knew I was right.
I'm sorry.
All out of little gold stars.
What about a little happy face? Balki, you've gotta be nice to these people.
If that man was your driving examiner, you'd be in a lot of trouble.
Let's go.
On this part of the test, you're only allowed three mistakes.
Where's your car? - In front.
In the red zone? That's one.
I told you all sales are final.
Do I stand behind my products? Listen, Sister, look behind your TV.
Do you see me there? There's your answer.
Those nuns are so pushy.
Is Balki here? I can't find him.
He went for his driver's test two hours ago and never came back.
Oh, too bad.
You lost your pal? You lost your car? You lost the bet.
Pay me.
He could be lying out there injured.
How can you think of money? Easy, I'm not a nice person.
Now pay me.
Balki, you're alive.
Yes, I think so.
I have to sit down.
TWINKACETTl: Get the man a chair.
What happened? I was worried.
I tried to call you from the hospital, but the phones were being used.
The hospital? You were in the hospital? I didn't want to get on the expressway, but I got confused.
You're not supposed to be on the expressway.
I know, but I said to him, "You want to take a left?" And he said, "Right.
" So So I took a right and suddenly Frank and me were on the expressway in the middle of rush hour.
And I don't know why they call it rush hour because nothing moves.
Who is Frank? That grumpy guy from the driver's license store.
The one who had a heart attack.
Frank had a heart attack? Well, no.
It turns out what he had was a bad lunch.
A salami sandwich, french fries and two chili dogs.
Nice guy, but he had more gas than Exxon.
You're breaking my heart, eh? You lost the bet, pay me.
Give me my money.
You're really enjoying this, aren't you? - Human suffering is my thing.
Suffer this.
I got my license.
You got it? You got it.
You got it.
Frank was so happy he wasn't dead that he gave me my driver's license.
No way.
Let me see that.
Excuse me a moment.
Hey, but we had fun, didn't we? Uh, Mr.
Twinkacetti All right, the money.
So my kid misses Christmas.
Balki, you did it.
I'm proud of you.
- Thank you, Cousin Larry.
But you made me stick with it when I was ready to throw up the towel.
Beautifully put.
But you're the one who passed the test.
Yes, but I was ready to be a quitter, and give up my part of the American dream.
But you wouldn't let me.
Instead, you had faith in me, and you trusted me with your car.
Well, trust is what friendship is all about.
And you didn't even worry about your car.
I never gave it a thought.
Did you put on the parking brake? Of course I did.
Don't be ridiculous.
What's a parking brake? Got you.
Larry Appleton, you are the best friend this Mediterranean sheepherder ever had.
What do you say we go out and celebrate? It's on Twinkie.
Where are the car keys? Oh, they're nice and safe.
I locked them in the car.